Viewing Thread:
"The Hole"

I'm warm. Inside me the sun shines, even in the depths of winter. I'm happy, content with life. Yet something is missing from me. There is a hole that I can't fill. I have tried to fill it, with love, with sex, with material goods. Each of these makes me feel content again for a while, and I forget about the hole, but none of them ever fills it completely so that I never feel that something is missing again.

I'm outgoing, I'm friendly. People like me, I think. Even If I am often the butt of their jokes. But then someone says something, or does something. I have put up with it a million times before. I have my work hidden from me. I endure comments about my sexuality, about my private life. Personal insults. I laugh along with them all. But not this time. This time I can feel the Hole inside me consuming me. I feel anger. I hate my tormentors. I want to turn on them, to crush them, but I cannot. I am weak. I shpout at them, storm out, lock myself away and cry. i don't want to feel like this.

The Hole is a cold place. My nose and fingers feel like Ice. Cold shivers run over me. I sit in front of a heater but I can't get warm. I wrap myself in blankets but I can't get warm. I think I understand what this coldness is. Its loneliness. But its self induced loneliness, I want to cut myself off from the world. I want to stick to fingers up at my friends and my lover and say f**k you.

Tomorrow the Hole will receed again, and I will become me again. I'll laugh at my friends as the tease me in the good natured way that they always have, that I encourage. I will smile, I will love, I will be happy.

But the Hole hasn't gone. Its there dormant until next time. Maybe next time I will snap. Maybe I will lash out in a way I have never done before. Until I fill this hole inside me I will never be free. If I don't fill it, I am scared that it will consume me and I will be cold forever.

The strongest person is one who does not give in to hatred. Don't let it consume you, don't let it bother you at all, if it does they have won.

I think that some people who do or say things are just looking for that kind of reaction, in some way it makes them feel better and so they keep doing it.

I know at the moment it is hard to pass it by and stop it from bothering you, that's where friends and relations come in, you should seek support in others. Trust me, I know what it's like.

Leafs through The Book Of Hard Truth.....

Ah yes, this is what I was looking for -

Aphorism 72:

"The soul of every thing is emptiness."

The sagacious one wrote:
> your fiends

LOL, you typo describes exactly how I'm feeling about them right now.

Oh the irony (my fav phrase)

I think you could be suffering from too greater expectations of yourself, your life, your fiends or this world in general (I know that I do). This disillusionment gnaws at one's soul and creates a void in which all light cannot esacpe from, yet this process is neccessary as the void needs to be filled for it to close.

For me it is worth enduring many hours of drudgery to partake in even a moments laughter.

Wow, such a nicely written... err... thing.

Great job Ros.

Insane Bartender wrote:
> I'm quickly losing hope.

your job????

Arwen Undomiel wrote:
> no i dont...... your family????

I'm quickly losing hope.

Insane Bartender wrote:
> I'm not going to rise to that. You know only too well where many of my
> problems stem from.

no i dont...... your family????

I'm not going to rise to that. You know only too well where many of my problems stem from.

Insane Bartender wrote:
> Your life runs conversely to mine, for I am the hole. I feel empty as
> a vacuum, all day everyday. But every now and every then, something
> will happen that for a brief period of time sparks a light of
> happiness in my heart. But the moment is brief, fleeting, and again
> the hole consumes the fire in my heart, chokes my happiness, and
> drowns me in depravation.

then do something about it, and stop sitting there just telling people who youve never met before about it......