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It's not Tim Allen, no matter how cool that would be. So who IS Santa? No, it's not your dad either. Uh...or your mum. It's not that guy in Asda with the kids on his knees. It's not the man that comes round your house at night and gives you sweets and toys...that's Jonathan King. Anyways, who is this mystery man? Once a year, on December the 25th, we celebrate the birth of Santa...but do we really know anything about him?
One thing we can be sure of is that we can't be sure of anything. Whoever this Santa is, he's very crafty. Nobody has ever been able to catch the real culprit of all this merriness: just like Sadam, he has legions of decoys to throw in our faces in order to escape into the cold winter night. No doubt he has dished out thousands of pounds on false identification, going under the aliases Santa Claus, Chris Cringle, Father Christmas, even impersonating a knight of the realm with St Nicholas! But what is it all for? The fame? The adoration? All those foxy ladies in tight fitting elf uniforms? The only way we'll ever find out is by asking Santa, and that's a lot harder than you would think.
Of course, there's the usual protection. A fake address in the middle of nowhere (Lapland) which also provides a cover for his foriegn bank account (in The Royal Bank of Lapland). This would normally be the hallmark of a swindler, perhaps a timeshare salesman, or a door-to-door encyclopaedia seller...but this operation is far bigger. Santa's image is plastered across every wall of every house in every city in ever country on every continent. Staring with dead eyes like a white-haired, fat, jolly Orwellian tyrant, he searches deep into your soul and decides what treat to unleash upon you. Or something.
The different cultures and faiths all have different stories, but they follow roughly the same path. Every December the 24th, in the night Santa rides around the globe with his reindeers (or reindeer, or reindeeri, whatever the plural may be), dishing out presents. Depending on how good you've been this past year, you'll get what you've asked for. Bad little boys and girls will get something different depending on their location. In America, a lump of coal. In England, a tangerine and 50p. In some villages in Wales, a giant inflatable appendage.
But what do we all think of Santa Claus? Sure, he seems to be well liked: films made after him, little calendars full of chocolate about him, even Coca Cola adverts featuring him. But underneath the glossy pretext, in the very belly of the beast, so to speak, what motivates Santa? To help, let's look at some traditional songs:
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake": could it be that the whole toy factory is a cover for a huge undercover spying organization? Are cameras planted in our PC monitors as we read this? Probably not. "You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout": chilling indeed. He is telling small children not to raise an alarm. But for what? "He knows if you've been bad or good, you better be good for goodness sake": and what exactly happens if you AREN'T good? What horrible things will be inflicted upon young children who misbehave?
The mental imagery being conjured up is one none too pleasant, yet it still does not explain the off-shore bank account, the fake address. No other criminals on that level have gone to such lengths to prevent capture...yet this man is known the world over? Osama bin Laden is another celebrity that happens to be both extremely famous and extremely wanted by the FBI...but this has only been for a few years. How long has Santa's charade lasted? Decades! Centuries!
The man is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a whopping great fur-lined red suit (which was only made red after he made his first Coca Cola advert. I'm just so clever). Will anyone ever find this man? Will it ever be explained how he does manage to give out so many presents so quickly? Will Rudolph ever stop brown nosing him? Maybe the vicar was right, and all that is left of Santa is a pile of ash, having burned to a crisp having gone too fast on his sleigh. Or perhaps he's deliberately concocted this outlandish personality. Perhaps...he wrote this.
Or maybe I did. Whatever the answer, thanks for reading. Discuss both this and anything else Christmassy in here if you wish.
-El Blokey
One thing we can be sure of is that we can't be sure of anything. Whoever this Santa is, he's very crafty. Nobody has ever been able to catch the real culprit of all this merriness: just like Sadam, he has legions of decoys to throw in our faces in order to escape into the cold winter night. No doubt he has dished out thousands of pounds on false identification, going under the aliases Santa Claus, Chris Cringle, Father Christmas, even impersonating a knight of the realm with St Nicholas! But what is it all for? The fame? The adoration? All those foxy ladies in tight fitting elf uniforms? The only way we'll ever find out is by asking Santa, and that's a lot harder than you would think.
Of course, there's the usual protection. A fake address in the middle of nowhere (Lapland) which also provides a cover for his foriegn bank account (in The Royal Bank of Lapland). This would normally be the hallmark of a swindler, perhaps a timeshare salesman, or a door-to-door encyclopaedia seller...but this operation is far bigger. Santa's image is plastered across every wall of every house in every city in ever country on every continent. Staring with dead eyes like a white-haired, fat, jolly Orwellian tyrant, he searches deep into your soul and decides what treat to unleash upon you. Or something.
The different cultures and faiths all have different stories, but they follow roughly the same path. Every December the 24th, in the night Santa rides around the globe with his reindeers (or reindeer, or reindeeri, whatever the plural may be), dishing out presents. Depending on how good you've been this past year, you'll get what you've asked for. Bad little boys and girls will get something different depending on their location. In America, a lump of coal. In England, a tangerine and 50p. In some villages in Wales, a giant inflatable appendage.
But what do we all think of Santa Claus? Sure, he seems to be well liked: films made after him, little calendars full of chocolate about him, even Coca Cola adverts featuring him. But underneath the glossy pretext, in the very belly of the beast, so to speak, what motivates Santa? To help, let's look at some traditional songs:
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake": could it be that the whole toy factory is a cover for a huge undercover spying organization? Are cameras planted in our PC monitors as we read this? Probably not. "You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout": chilling indeed. He is telling small children not to raise an alarm. But for what? "He knows if you've been bad or good, you better be good for goodness sake": and what exactly happens if you AREN'T good? What horrible things will be inflicted upon young children who misbehave?
The mental imagery being conjured up is one none too pleasant, yet it still does not explain the off-shore bank account, the fake address. No other criminals on that level have gone to such lengths to prevent capture...yet this man is known the world over? Osama bin Laden is another celebrity that happens to be both extremely famous and extremely wanted by the FBI...but this has only been for a few years. How long has Santa's charade lasted? Decades! Centuries!
The man is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a whopping great fur-lined red suit (which was only made red after he made his first Coca Cola advert. I'm just so clever). Will anyone ever find this man? Will it ever be explained how he does manage to give out so many presents so quickly? Will Rudolph ever stop brown nosing him? Maybe the vicar was right, and all that is left of Santa is a pile of ash, having burned to a crisp having gone too fast on his sleigh. Or perhaps he's deliberately concocted this outlandish personality. Perhaps...he wrote this.
Or maybe I did. Whatever the answer, thanks for reading. Discuss both this and anything else Christmassy in here if you wish.
-El Blokey
pope
santa claus in based on some german fell from ages ago
well the story goes that he broke into someoes house and instead of taking their stuff he gave the presents (that was the story i got told when i was at primary so some of it might not be true)
well the story goes that he broke into someoes house and instead of taking their stuff he gave the presents (that was the story i got told when i was at primary so some of it might not be true)
Thanks for those productive replies, guys. Keep em coming!
According to this channel 5 film its some little kids grandad.
Who do you think he is Saint Nick of claus!!!
It's not Tim Allen, no matter how cool that would be. So who IS Santa? No, it's not your dad either. Uh...or your mum. It's not that guy in Asda with the kids on his knees. It's not the man that comes round your house at night and gives you sweets and toys...that's Jonathan King. Anyways, who is this mystery man? Once a year, on December the 25th, we celebrate the birth of Santa...but do we really know anything about him?
One thing we can be sure of is that we can't be sure of anything. Whoever this Santa is, he's very crafty. Nobody has ever been able to catch the real culprit of all this merriness: just like Sadam, he has legions of decoys to throw in our faces in order to escape into the cold winter night. No doubt he has dished out thousands of pounds on false identification, going under the aliases Santa Claus, Chris Cringle, Father Christmas, even impersonating a knight of the realm with St Nicholas! But what is it all for? The fame? The adoration? All those foxy ladies in tight fitting elf uniforms? The only way we'll ever find out is by asking Santa, and that's a lot harder than you would think.
Of course, there's the usual protection. A fake address in the middle of nowhere (Lapland) which also provides a cover for his foriegn bank account (in The Royal Bank of Lapland). This would normally be the hallmark of a swindler, perhaps a timeshare salesman, or a door-to-door encyclopaedia seller...but this operation is far bigger. Santa's image is plastered across every wall of every house in every city in ever country on every continent. Staring with dead eyes like a white-haired, fat, jolly Orwellian tyrant, he searches deep into your soul and decides what treat to unleash upon you. Or something.
The different cultures and faiths all have different stories, but they follow roughly the same path. Every December the 24th, in the night Santa rides around the globe with his reindeers (or reindeer, or reindeeri, whatever the plural may be), dishing out presents. Depending on how good you've been this past year, you'll get what you've asked for. Bad little boys and girls will get something different depending on their location. In America, a lump of coal. In England, a tangerine and 50p. In some villages in Wales, a giant inflatable appendage.
But what do we all think of Santa Claus? Sure, he seems to be well liked: films made after him, little calendars full of chocolate about him, even Coca Cola adverts featuring him. But underneath the glossy pretext, in the very belly of the beast, so to speak, what motivates Santa? To help, let's look at some traditional songs:
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake": could it be that the whole toy factory is a cover for a huge undercover spying organization? Are cameras planted in our PC monitors as we read this? Probably not. "You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout": chilling indeed. He is telling small children not to raise an alarm. But for what? "He knows if you've been bad or good, you better be good for goodness sake": and what exactly happens if you AREN'T good? What horrible things will be inflicted upon young children who misbehave?
The mental imagery being conjured up is one none too pleasant, yet it still does not explain the off-shore bank account, the fake address. No other criminals on that level have gone to such lengths to prevent capture...yet this man is known the world over? Osama bin Laden is another celebrity that happens to be both extremely famous and extremely wanted by the FBI...but this has only been for a few years. How long has Santa's charade lasted? Decades! Centuries!
The man is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a whopping great fur-lined red suit (which was only made red after he made his first Coca Cola advert. I'm just so clever). Will anyone ever find this man? Will it ever be explained how he does manage to give out so many presents so quickly? Will Rudolph ever stop brown nosing him? Maybe the vicar was right, and all that is left of Santa is a pile of ash, having burned to a crisp having gone too fast on his sleigh. Or perhaps he's deliberately concocted this outlandish personality. Perhaps...he wrote this.
Or maybe I did. Whatever the answer, thanks for reading. Discuss both this and anything else Christmassy in here if you wish.
-El Blokey
One thing we can be sure of is that we can't be sure of anything. Whoever this Santa is, he's very crafty. Nobody has ever been able to catch the real culprit of all this merriness: just like Sadam, he has legions of decoys to throw in our faces in order to escape into the cold winter night. No doubt he has dished out thousands of pounds on false identification, going under the aliases Santa Claus, Chris Cringle, Father Christmas, even impersonating a knight of the realm with St Nicholas! But what is it all for? The fame? The adoration? All those foxy ladies in tight fitting elf uniforms? The only way we'll ever find out is by asking Santa, and that's a lot harder than you would think.
Of course, there's the usual protection. A fake address in the middle of nowhere (Lapland) which also provides a cover for his foriegn bank account (in The Royal Bank of Lapland). This would normally be the hallmark of a swindler, perhaps a timeshare salesman, or a door-to-door encyclopaedia seller...but this operation is far bigger. Santa's image is plastered across every wall of every house in every city in ever country on every continent. Staring with dead eyes like a white-haired, fat, jolly Orwellian tyrant, he searches deep into your soul and decides what treat to unleash upon you. Or something.
The different cultures and faiths all have different stories, but they follow roughly the same path. Every December the 24th, in the night Santa rides around the globe with his reindeers (or reindeer, or reindeeri, whatever the plural may be), dishing out presents. Depending on how good you've been this past year, you'll get what you've asked for. Bad little boys and girls will get something different depending on their location. In America, a lump of coal. In England, a tangerine and 50p. In some villages in Wales, a giant inflatable appendage.
But what do we all think of Santa Claus? Sure, he seems to be well liked: films made after him, little calendars full of chocolate about him, even Coca Cola adverts featuring him. But underneath the glossy pretext, in the very belly of the beast, so to speak, what motivates Santa? To help, let's look at some traditional songs:
"He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake": could it be that the whole toy factory is a cover for a huge undercover spying organization? Are cameras planted in our PC monitors as we read this? Probably not. "You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout": chilling indeed. He is telling small children not to raise an alarm. But for what? "He knows if you've been bad or good, you better be good for goodness sake": and what exactly happens if you AREN'T good? What horrible things will be inflicted upon young children who misbehave?
The mental imagery being conjured up is one none too pleasant, yet it still does not explain the off-shore bank account, the fake address. No other criminals on that level have gone to such lengths to prevent capture...yet this man is known the world over? Osama bin Laden is another celebrity that happens to be both extremely famous and extremely wanted by the FBI...but this has only been for a few years. How long has Santa's charade lasted? Decades! Centuries!
The man is a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a whopping great fur-lined red suit (which was only made red after he made his first Coca Cola advert. I'm just so clever). Will anyone ever find this man? Will it ever be explained how he does manage to give out so many presents so quickly? Will Rudolph ever stop brown nosing him? Maybe the vicar was right, and all that is left of Santa is a pile of ash, having burned to a crisp having gone too fast on his sleigh. Or perhaps he's deliberately concocted this outlandish personality. Perhaps...he wrote this.
Or maybe I did. Whatever the answer, thanks for reading. Discuss both this and anything else Christmassy in here if you wish.
-El Blokey