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A spate of bizarre grammatically-related news items culminated yesterday in wacky pop supremo Michael Jackson declaring himself to be a metaphor. The shock revelation came in Munich where Jackson is being sued by a former concert promoter who alleges that the star caused his cat to miscarriage after pulling out of a series of lucrative concerts without kissing it goodbye. Top legal pundits had predicted that the promoter would be able to recover massive damages from the star, but Jackson's disclosure brouhaha-ed all that in one fell swoop. Since 1917 metaphors have been afforded special protection by international law after one was able not only to maintain troop moral at Passchendaele but also to lead a break through into enemy lines. While the metaphor may have been lost in the assault, ministers elected to enshrine its proud memory in legislation protecting its successors.
In the absence of a qualified Naturalist, occasional naturist Keith Chegwin was called in to testify to Jackson's metaphorical status. According to his expert testimony, "Jackson, in his transformation from black to white, from the Jackson five to a solo career, from critical credibility to mainstream success, represents the plight of the whole black-American population who have been systematically institutionalised into an amalgamated race that just happens to be whiter than it is black. Jackson is clearly meant to represent something far greater than mere music and bad facial surgery; he embodies the very plight of the nation. As such any attempt to sue, incarcerate or otherwise interfere with his person could have catastrophic effects for the nation as a whole. Thus I believe he should be fully exonerated."
Events overseas were mirrored, or at least partially reflected, on these shores last week when a well-known famous became convinced that she might be a simile. While we are unable to reveal Jordan's identity for legal reasons, we can disclose that a busty model was distressed by the way in which her friends kept referring to her as "like.. Jordan". Indeed the word "like" was used so many times that she became certain that she must be a simile. Speaking from behind a veil, representing anonymity, she commented:
"I've been depressed for a while now. My boyfriend doesn't love me, my baby is blind, I'm depicted in the media as a freak... but that's all okay because it was obviously to do with me being a simile."
However, friend Jamie Oliver was sceptical:
"Suppose you had a box of tools, speaking hypothetically, a toolbox, and you were to arrange all of said tools in order of the magnitude of their sharpness then the tool that represented the person in question would not be the sharpest in the box, oh no. What I am saying is that Jordan is like a blunt tool, the poor dear has probably got it all confused."
"Confused", indeed, but try telling that to the residents of an East Midlands housing estate who saw their children brutalitised by a semi-colon that had escaped from a carelessly constructed Robbie Williams press statement. An armed response unit was forced to shoot the offending punctuation dead after it threatened to jeopardise the whole of operation dick to Dickens, designed to save these slum children from a future of mindless druggading, drinkiting and doledoledole (so known due to the trend for such people to make multiple dole claims). The police used a squadron of unclaimed messenger pigeons to carpet bomb the estate with porn, while trained marmots on the ground systematically removed literature from houses. The resulting increase in porn maintained at a constant level for a two month period climaxed in the ejecting of all knowledge from the minds of the inhabitants. At the exact moment of ejection officers were on hand immediately to remove all porn and replace it with great works of literature. The effect was truly staggering, with the children's tiny porn-ravaged minds conducting a straight scan of the text for sexual references, Freud style. Commented Freudianly Chief Constable Sir, "We've aroused them to A-level English standard in the wink of an eye. Those children won't be touching any speeds or cracked, they will spend a profitable future entering this nation's libraries and scanning great works for porn - it's all their little minds know you see - and in doing so they will retain a collective body of knowledge the size of Japan. Then when one of the young whippets finds DH Lawrence their quest will be completed in the grand climax of a veritable orgy of learning and they will come to be valuable members of society. It's a masterstroke, with emphasis on the stroke."
Masterstroke, yes, but back to the semi-colon. Children confronted with this grammatical beast were left unable to move, driven to pure googly-blah-blah insanity by the punctuation mark; there is indeed something really quite mad about a full stop arranged directly above a comma. Pop top of the, Robbie Williams was visibly distressed by the devastation he had caused and vowed to lead a life of ungrammar from that day on:
"Just wanted to really be clever,,,, you know' use the semicolon. got it wrong however and got loose the semicolon gotted. And did it what did. But no worries staying well clear grammar of now on from."
Vigil-aunties of those concerned will be glad to know that since making that statement Williams has been diagnosed as suffering from chronic diaeresis, a lesser known grammatical condition. While it is treatable, Williams will suffer intense pain for a complete week akin to that of being serenaded by Shania Twain's "Man, I feel like a Woman".
Finally, in our grammatical round-up comes the fatal accident of Durst, Frederick who was plucked from the fields of life tragically late in an overly literal incident. Durst was riding down Oxford Street on the rap-metal bandwagon with buddies Korn, Puddle of Mudd and Slipknot when he espied the garage rock band-wagon going in the opposite direction and attempted a death-defying leap on to it. Durst would have succeeded had it not been for the brave intervention of Iggy Pop who knocked Durst off course with a well-aimed drug. While that accident did not prove fatal Durst was rendered unconscious and was taken to hospital. There buddy Wes Scantlin paid the price for a continued insistence that doctors had to save Durst or deprive the world of its most silver tongued rapper to date. Literally paid only in peanuts doctors after often forced into malpractispiracies to make ends meet and so decided to knock-off Durst and melt down his tongue. Unfortunately for the doctors the gamble did not pay off, Durst it emerges had a tongue of only low-grade aluminium.
In light of this spate of grammar-related incidents ministers briefly entertained the idea of replacing the English language with Latin "quod grammaticus est". Unfortunately the rise of reality TV has prevented this dream from becoming a reality, as it has systematically rendered people's brains incompatible with Latin. In the event of an imposition of the tight grammatical constraints of Latin, these people would be unable to cope, floundering like an Apple i-mac with a windows operating system, and would have to be culled. While it is widely accepted that such a cull will be inevitable at some point, the government currently has its hands tied by the "Iglesias clause" contained in Directive 472B, which states:
"Governments may only cull reality TV watchers if (1) adequate health and safety measures are not in place, (2) deaths are slow and excruciating and (3) Julio Iglesias is dead"
The voguish "Iglesias clause" is currently being including in many directives with a view to deifying the singer at a later date.
For now kids remember that grammar bad can go and that gone bad grammar can strike at any time. Stay alert. Stay vigilant. Stay grammatic.
In the absence of a qualified Naturalist, occasional naturist Keith Chegwin was called in to testify to Jackson's metaphorical status. According to his expert testimony, "Jackson, in his transformation from black to white, from the Jackson five to a solo career, from critical credibility to mainstream success, represents the plight of the whole black-American population who have been systematically institutionalised into an amalgamated race that just happens to be whiter than it is black. Jackson is clearly meant to represent something far greater than mere music and bad facial surgery; he embodies the very plight of the nation. As such any attempt to sue, incarcerate or otherwise interfere with his person could have catastrophic effects for the nation as a whole. Thus I believe he should be fully exonerated."
Events overseas were mirrored, or at least partially reflected, on these shores last week when a well-known famous became convinced that she might be a simile. While we are unable to reveal Jordan's identity for legal reasons, we can disclose that a busty model was distressed by the way in which her friends kept referring to her as "like.. Jordan". Indeed the word "like" was used so many times that she became certain that she must be a simile. Speaking from behind a veil, representing anonymity, she commented:
"I've been depressed for a while now. My boyfriend doesn't love me, my baby is blind, I'm depicted in the media as a freak... but that's all okay because it was obviously to do with me being a simile."
However, friend Jamie Oliver was sceptical:
"Suppose you had a box of tools, speaking hypothetically, a toolbox, and you were to arrange all of said tools in order of the magnitude of their sharpness then the tool that represented the person in question would not be the sharpest in the box, oh no. What I am saying is that Jordan is like a blunt tool, the poor dear has probably got it all confused."
"Confused", indeed, but try telling that to the residents of an East Midlands housing estate who saw their children brutalitised by a semi-colon that had escaped from a carelessly constructed Robbie Williams press statement. An armed response unit was forced to shoot the offending punctuation dead after it threatened to jeopardise the whole of operation dick to Dickens, designed to save these slum children from a future of mindless druggading, drinkiting and doledoledole (so known due to the trend for such people to make multiple dole claims). The police used a squadron of unclaimed messenger pigeons to carpet bomb the estate with porn, while trained marmots on the ground systematically removed literature from houses. The resulting increase in porn maintained at a constant level for a two month period climaxed in the ejecting of all knowledge from the minds of the inhabitants. At the exact moment of ejection officers were on hand immediately to remove all porn and replace it with great works of literature. The effect was truly staggering, with the children's tiny porn-ravaged minds conducting a straight scan of the text for sexual references, Freud style. Commented Freudianly Chief Constable Sir, "We've aroused them to A-level English standard in the wink of an eye. Those children won't be touching any speeds or cracked, they will spend a profitable future entering this nation's libraries and scanning great works for porn - it's all their little minds know you see - and in doing so they will retain a collective body of knowledge the size of Japan. Then when one of the young whippets finds DH Lawrence their quest will be completed in the grand climax of a veritable orgy of learning and they will come to be valuable members of society. It's a masterstroke, with emphasis on the stroke."
Masterstroke, yes, but back to the semi-colon. Children confronted with this grammatical beast were left unable to move, driven to pure googly-blah-blah insanity by the punctuation mark; there is indeed something really quite mad about a full stop arranged directly above a comma. Pop top of the, Robbie Williams was visibly distressed by the devastation he had caused and vowed to lead a life of ungrammar from that day on:
"Just wanted to really be clever,,,, you know' use the semicolon. got it wrong however and got loose the semicolon gotted. And did it what did. But no worries staying well clear grammar of now on from."
Vigil-aunties of those concerned will be glad to know that since making that statement Williams has been diagnosed as suffering from chronic diaeresis, a lesser known grammatical condition. While it is treatable, Williams will suffer intense pain for a complete week akin to that of being serenaded by Shania Twain's "Man, I feel like a Woman".
Finally, in our grammatical round-up comes the fatal accident of Durst, Frederick who was plucked from the fields of life tragically late in an overly literal incident. Durst was riding down Oxford Street on the rap-metal bandwagon with buddies Korn, Puddle of Mudd and Slipknot when he espied the garage rock band-wagon going in the opposite direction and attempted a death-defying leap on to it. Durst would have succeeded had it not been for the brave intervention of Iggy Pop who knocked Durst off course with a well-aimed drug. While that accident did not prove fatal Durst was rendered unconscious and was taken to hospital. There buddy Wes Scantlin paid the price for a continued insistence that doctors had to save Durst or deprive the world of its most silver tongued rapper to date. Literally paid only in peanuts doctors after often forced into malpractispiracies to make ends meet and so decided to knock-off Durst and melt down his tongue. Unfortunately for the doctors the gamble did not pay off, Durst it emerges had a tongue of only low-grade aluminium.
In light of this spate of grammar-related incidents ministers briefly entertained the idea of replacing the English language with Latin "quod grammaticus est". Unfortunately the rise of reality TV has prevented this dream from becoming a reality, as it has systematically rendered people's brains incompatible with Latin. In the event of an imposition of the tight grammatical constraints of Latin, these people would be unable to cope, floundering like an Apple i-mac with a windows operating system, and would have to be culled. While it is widely accepted that such a cull will be inevitable at some point, the government currently has its hands tied by the "Iglesias clause" contained in Directive 472B, which states:
"Governments may only cull reality TV watchers if (1) adequate health and safety measures are not in place, (2) deaths are slow and excruciating and (3) Julio Iglesias is dead"
The voguish "Iglesias clause" is currently being including in many directives with a view to deifying the singer at a later date.
For now kids remember that grammar bad can go and that gone bad grammar can strike at any time. Stay alert. Stay vigilant. Stay grammatic.
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Can we have one of these every week please?
Me like.
Lacking in words right now though.
But I like. :o)
Lacking in words right now though.
But I like. :o)
My golly what a clever post.
Reminds me of my favourite saying "the Cornish are like wheat because they are very in bread".
Reminds me of my favourite saying "the Cornish are like wheat because they are very in bread".
GAD worthy then I would suspect.
Just read this again, possibly the finest post I've ever read on this forum.
Pops, top of the.
Pops, top of the.
Excellenté.
Wonderful. Can you, like, just not post tommorow please?
Minstrous. Absolutely minstrous.
You can write things like this.
I want to see a script!
:-D
I want to see a script!
:-D
Fantastic Sir.
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