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Stryke Irwin: Hello, g’day, and welcome to Stryke Irwin’s Deadly Animals. Today, I’ll be going all around the world, in search of the world’s top deadly animals. But, you probably figured that out from the title. Retards. Anyway, come with me and follow me to find our first deadly animal.
*2 seconds later*
Well, I’m deep inside one of Brazil’s many rainforests. I have no idea which one, but they all look the same so it doesn't really make any difference. I’m going to be searching for a snake. A deadly snake. He’ll bite you 10 times in a second, he will. And there is a small chance that one of those bites could be nearly a little harmful. He’s deadly for a little fella, he is.
*1 second later*
There he is! I’ve seen the little fella. Now, watch as I move in quietly, so as not to alarm the little fella.
BANZAI!!!
*Stryke jumps onto the snake and presses it down, making a lot of noise*
Well, I’ve got him, and he’s mad..
*Snake slithers around, absent-mindedly*
A snake this deadly demands a hell of a lot of respect. Which is exactly why I‘m dangling him upside-down and poking him from time to time. Well, as you can see, he has a very red be..
*Snake moves slightly*
You can see that he’s not very friendly today. Any second now, I’m sure he’ll have a pop at me, but I’m ready for him. Yes.. any second now.. Well, I’m going to return the vicious little thing to the wild, before it takes off one of my arms.
*Stryke tangles the snake up into a ball and throws it down a hill*
Let’s move onto our second deadly animal.
*3 seconds later*
Well, I’m here at London Zoo, in search of one of the most notorious killers alive - the Humming Bird. Follow me, and we’ll go to it’s preferred habitat.
As you can see, the Humming Bird likes to stay in a cage, for it’s own protection. Just to show you how vicious these birds can be, I’m going to put my life on the line.
*Stryke pulls out a stick*
Well, If I prod the fella, he’s sure to get real angry, and maybe try to take a bite at my neck.
*Pokes the bird a few times*
Now, let’s see what he does.
*Waits for 30 seconds, and nothing*
*Zoo Warden comes up*
Warden: Why are you poking that dead bird?
Stryke: Uh.. I knew that it was dead folks. But.. uh.. the dead ones are said to be the most vicious of them all. I better get out of here, before that dead bird calls for reinforcements.
*3 seconds later*
Phew-ee. Already I’ve had near-death experiences with a snake and a humming bird. So I thought I’d have a break from all these dangerous animals, and help some safari vets go about their business.
*1 second later*
Well, we’re trying to catch this Elephant, so we can chop off it’s tusks. The boys assured me that their guns are non-fatal, and that the tusks sell millions. I asked if it was illegal and considered poaching, but they just hit me a few times and carried on, and I decided to carry on with them.
Well, we’re right behind the fella, and I think they are trying to get the Rhino in a trap.
CHICK-CHICK... BANG
Oh, the fellas down, but I’m assured it’s for his own good. Oh, look, here come some more vets.. they sure look a lot more professional, and they’re running fast, huh guys? Guys...?
*3 seconds later*
Well, I’ve been arrested by the vets, and when I ask them why, they give me a funny look. See ya in 6 months, fellas!
*2 seconds later*
Well, the 6 months have passed, and I’m back onto the trail of the third deadly animal.. the Goldfish. There seems to be one in this house, and I don’t think there is anybody home, so I think I’ll try and get in through this window.
*1 second later*
I’m inside the house, and standing right next to the Goldfish. It chooses to live in a bowl so it feels safe. I’m going to try and get it out.
*Frantic splashing*
He’s a frisky little fella, that’s for sure. Look at the way he’s wriggling around, he’s making it hard for me to keep a hold of him, and I don’t blame him. I have to keep on my toes, just in case he tries to bite me, even though he doesn’t have any teeth.. poor fella. Ah, look.. he’s calming down now. See, me and animals, over time we develop this bond - he’s realised that I’m not going to hurt him, and the sooner he quietens down, the sooner I’ll let him back in. Well, he’s had enough excitement for one day. Let’s put him back.
Huh? Why is he floating? Little fella? Wakey wakey, little fella. Well, looks like he’s dead, and my expert knowledge tells me it was from old age. Better get outta here, before his owners get back.
*2 seconds later*
I’m in my backyard to try and track down the penultimate deadly animal - next door’s dog. He’s an ugly looking fella, really fat too. I think he’s a bulldog.
*Stryke crouches down*
As you can see, he’s asleep, and we don’t wanna wake the fella, otherwise there’ll be hell to pay.
*Stryke reaches into the dog’s mouth, and pulls it’s lips apart*
He has some really sharp teeth. These beauties kill on average 0.0004 people a year. That’s amazing, isn’t it folks? That works out at a massive 4 people killed in only 2000 years. He’s one mean dog, that’s for sure.
He has a name tag here.. let me read it.. apparently, his name is ButterFlower. That’s a cute name, but if one thing is for sure, it’s that this Dog wouldn’t like to be called cute. I think he’s starting to wait now, so I’ll act like a Dog, so as not to startle it.
*Stryke gets down on all fours, and starts walking around, stretching, barking and knocking a ball around*
He doesn’t notice a thing. See, the two of us, we’re connected. He sees me as just another Dog to become pals with. Look, he’s sniffing my butt. That’s so he can develop a special bond with me.
Oh, crap! I must be too much of an attractive figure to dogs. The little fella is trying to mate with me.
*Stryke stands up, runs off, and the Dog chases him*
*2 seconds later*
Well, we’re reaching the end of the show - and you know what that means - we’re going on the hunt for the deadliest animal ever - the Monkey. And I’m here, in the heart of Africa, to find a Monkey.
Well, I can see one in that tree. I reckon If I tranquillise it first, we can get in to have a real close look.
*PCHUT!*
*ARK!*
I think I got him. Better move in.
Yes, I got him right in between the eyes. I think the tranquilliser might be slowly infecting his eye, leaving him half-blind, but I’m sure Mother Nature will deal with that. Anyway, look at his claws. They were designed to peel bananas, but if he got a clean shot at you, he’d peel your skin right off. He’ll kill you in 3 minutes, if you give him a chance. Anyway, I think I better leave him on his own to wake up.
*1 second later*
Well, I’ve had fun, dealing with life-threatening animals. And I hope you had half as much fun as I did. Don’t forget to look out for my book - Stryke Irwin, Man or Animal? - priced 3.99 at all good or crappy book shops, and you get a free pen if you trade in an animal for it. Until my next amusing, life or death adventure - goodbye.
*2 seconds later*
Well, I’m deep inside one of Brazil’s many rainforests. I have no idea which one, but they all look the same so it doesn't really make any difference. I’m going to be searching for a snake. A deadly snake. He’ll bite you 10 times in a second, he will. And there is a small chance that one of those bites could be nearly a little harmful. He’s deadly for a little fella, he is.
*1 second later*
There he is! I’ve seen the little fella. Now, watch as I move in quietly, so as not to alarm the little fella.
BANZAI!!!
*Stryke jumps onto the snake and presses it down, making a lot of noise*
Well, I’ve got him, and he’s mad..
*Snake slithers around, absent-mindedly*
A snake this deadly demands a hell of a lot of respect. Which is exactly why I‘m dangling him upside-down and poking him from time to time. Well, as you can see, he has a very red be..
*Snake moves slightly*
You can see that he’s not very friendly today. Any second now, I’m sure he’ll have a pop at me, but I’m ready for him. Yes.. any second now.. Well, I’m going to return the vicious little thing to the wild, before it takes off one of my arms.
*Stryke tangles the snake up into a ball and throws it down a hill*
Let’s move onto our second deadly animal.
*3 seconds later*
Well, I’m here at London Zoo, in search of one of the most notorious killers alive - the Humming Bird. Follow me, and we’ll go to it’s preferred habitat.
As you can see, the Humming Bird likes to stay in a cage, for it’s own protection. Just to show you how vicious these birds can be, I’m going to put my life on the line.
*Stryke pulls out a stick*
Well, If I prod the fella, he’s sure to get real angry, and maybe try to take a bite at my neck.
*Pokes the bird a few times*
Now, let’s see what he does.
*Waits for 30 seconds, and nothing*
*Zoo Warden comes up*
Warden: Why are you poking that dead bird?
Stryke: Uh.. I knew that it was dead folks. But.. uh.. the dead ones are said to be the most vicious of them all. I better get out of here, before that dead bird calls for reinforcements.
*3 seconds later*
Phew-ee. Already I’ve had near-death experiences with a snake and a humming bird. So I thought I’d have a break from all these dangerous animals, and help some safari vets go about their business.
*1 second later*
Well, we’re trying to catch this Elephant, so we can chop off it’s tusks. The boys assured me that their guns are non-fatal, and that the tusks sell millions. I asked if it was illegal and considered poaching, but they just hit me a few times and carried on, and I decided to carry on with them.
Well, we’re right behind the fella, and I think they are trying to get the Rhino in a trap.
CHICK-CHICK... BANG
Oh, the fellas down, but I’m assured it’s for his own good. Oh, look, here come some more vets.. they sure look a lot more professional, and they’re running fast, huh guys? Guys...?
*3 seconds later*
Well, I’ve been arrested by the vets, and when I ask them why, they give me a funny look. See ya in 6 months, fellas!
*2 seconds later*
Well, the 6 months have passed, and I’m back onto the trail of the third deadly animal.. the Goldfish. There seems to be one in this house, and I don’t think there is anybody home, so I think I’ll try and get in through this window.
*1 second later*
I’m inside the house, and standing right next to the Goldfish. It chooses to live in a bowl so it feels safe. I’m going to try and get it out.
*Frantic splashing*
He’s a frisky little fella, that’s for sure. Look at the way he’s wriggling around, he’s making it hard for me to keep a hold of him, and I don’t blame him. I have to keep on my toes, just in case he tries to bite me, even though he doesn’t have any teeth.. poor fella. Ah, look.. he’s calming down now. See, me and animals, over time we develop this bond - he’s realised that I’m not going to hurt him, and the sooner he quietens down, the sooner I’ll let him back in. Well, he’s had enough excitement for one day. Let’s put him back.
Huh? Why is he floating? Little fella? Wakey wakey, little fella. Well, looks like he’s dead, and my expert knowledge tells me it was from old age. Better get outta here, before his owners get back.
*2 seconds later*
I’m in my backyard to try and track down the penultimate deadly animal - next door’s dog. He’s an ugly looking fella, really fat too. I think he’s a bulldog.
*Stryke crouches down*
As you can see, he’s asleep, and we don’t wanna wake the fella, otherwise there’ll be hell to pay.
*Stryke reaches into the dog’s mouth, and pulls it’s lips apart*
He has some really sharp teeth. These beauties kill on average 0.0004 people a year. That’s amazing, isn’t it folks? That works out at a massive 4 people killed in only 2000 years. He’s one mean dog, that’s for sure.
He has a name tag here.. let me read it.. apparently, his name is ButterFlower. That’s a cute name, but if one thing is for sure, it’s that this Dog wouldn’t like to be called cute. I think he’s starting to wait now, so I’ll act like a Dog, so as not to startle it.
*Stryke gets down on all fours, and starts walking around, stretching, barking and knocking a ball around*
He doesn’t notice a thing. See, the two of us, we’re connected. He sees me as just another Dog to become pals with. Look, he’s sniffing my butt. That’s so he can develop a special bond with me.
Oh, crap! I must be too much of an attractive figure to dogs. The little fella is trying to mate with me.
*Stryke stands up, runs off, and the Dog chases him*
*2 seconds later*
Well, we’re reaching the end of the show - and you know what that means - we’re going on the hunt for the deadliest animal ever - the Monkey. And I’m here, in the heart of Africa, to find a Monkey.
Well, I can see one in that tree. I reckon If I tranquillise it first, we can get in to have a real close look.
*PCHUT!*
*ARK!*
I think I got him. Better move in.
Yes, I got him right in between the eyes. I think the tranquilliser might be slowly infecting his eye, leaving him half-blind, but I’m sure Mother Nature will deal with that. Anyway, look at his claws. They were designed to peel bananas, but if he got a clean shot at you, he’d peel your skin right off. He’ll kill you in 3 minutes, if you give him a chance. Anyway, I think I better leave him on his own to wake up.
*1 second later*
Well, I’ve had fun, dealing with life-threatening animals. And I hope you had half as much fun as I did. Don’t forget to look out for my book - Stryke Irwin, Man or Animal? - priced 3.99 at all good or crappy book shops, and you get a free pen if you trade in an animal for it. Until my next amusing, life or death adventure - goodbye.
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Get a room, you perverts!
Microchips wrote:
> Asher D has crappy tatse in music...
>
>
> ...yet he knows how to write GAD winning posts. Well done.
>
>
> *No offence was meant*
yes, of course, I can see how that would have come off wrong.
:)
> Asher D has crappy tatse in music...
>
>
> ...yet he knows how to write GAD winning posts. Well done.
>
>
> *No offence was meant*
yes, of course, I can see how that would have come off wrong.
:)
Dr Z wrote:
> I think we were just messing FFF
>
> Sheesh, get with the program!
you swore. so don't think that 'messing' makes it okay.
(I am aware how nerdy I sound)
> I think we were just messing FFF
>
> Sheesh, get with the program!
you swore. so don't think that 'messing' makes it okay.
(I am aware how nerdy I sound)
Asher D has crappy tatse in music...
...yet he knows how to write GAD winning posts. Well done.
*No offence was meant*
:D
...yet he knows how to write GAD winning posts. Well done.
*No offence was meant*
:D
Yeah, YOU look like a dork!
I think we were just messing FFF
Sheesh, get with the program!
Sheesh, get with the program!
Calm down ladies.
Asher, your aggresion should be pointed at me.
But I'm going so nothing shall reach me.
Mwu-ha-har etc.
Asher, your aggresion should be pointed at me.
But I'm going so nothing shall reach me.
Mwu-ha-har etc.
And you know that how, jerk?
No, YOU look like a dork!
Asher D wrote:
> Go away.
no no no YOU
> Go away.
no no no YOU
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