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Spam Hard 3 - Up Your Word Count With A Vengeance
*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is sat at his desk. schroeder comes in*
schroeder - What was that? Did you just fall off your chair?
Tony - No, but thanks for asking. Now that you're here, can you do me a favour?
schroeder - Sure, boss
Tony - Get out
schroeder - Oh, yeah, you got it, boss
Tony - Thanks
*She leaves. Tony's phone rings*
Tony - Special Reserve, secret front for the Chinese mafia, Tony speaking... Excuse me? Who is this? Simon? Stupid name... What? ... Snuggly? No, he's on suspension... we caught him trying to rig the Christmas raffle... what? Are you serious? Oh my God!
*Tony falls off his chair in surprise*
Tony - Argh! Help, schroeder! Man down! Man down!
*Scene 2*
*Mr Snuggly is sat in the back of a van with Darkus*
Mr Snuggly - So why does it have to be me?
Darkus - Tony doesn't know, the guy on the phone just said it has to be you, and that his name was Simon, that's all.
Mr Snuggly - Nice plot devise... So why are we jumping through hoops for this guy?
Darkus - You hear about the bomb they found in Tony's car?
Mr Snuggly - Yeah...
Darkus - This guy put it there, says there'll be more if we don't co-operate
Mr Snuggly - That lying son of a- He's taking credit for MY work!
Darkus - Excuse me?
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... nothing... So, are we ready?
Darkus - Yep, here you go
*Darkus puts a piece of paper on Snuggly's back saying "Kick Me" and Snuggly gets out of the van*
Mr Snuggly - So where are you gonna be?
Darkus - McDonalds, getting breakfast
Mr Snuggly - What?! You're leaving me here with this on my back?!
Darkus - I'll be back in five minutes
Mr Snuggly - That's OK, I expect to be bruised in four
*Darkus gets behind the wheel and drives off*
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it...?
*Scene 3*
*monkey_man is in a phone box*
monkey_man - Hello? Is this Mystique's Call Girls? Yeah, I sort of told my parents I'm married to Jennifer Lopez, and they want to meet her... so, can you like, see if she's available? Yes, I'll hold
*He looks across the street, sees something, and runs off, leaving the phone hanging*
Mystique - OK, we just checked with Affleck, and he'll lend you Jennifer for the weekend... hello? Hello? Typical!
*monkey_man runs up to Snuggly, who is getting the holy heck kicked out of him by a bunch of school kids*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, quit it! Why you little-!
monkey_man - Look out, here comes Ms Butch!
*The kids look at each other in terror, and leg it*
monkey_man - You alright, Snuggly?
Mr Snuggly - Just hook me up to some morphine...
monkey_man - What are you doing out here?
Mr Snuggly - Some guy is planting bombs around the city, and re-tuning people's radios to ClassicFM
monkey_man - The fiend! Come on, I'd better get you back to SR towers... you've lost a lot of blood
*Scene 4*
*Snuggly is being patched up by schroeder*
schroeder - If it's not some spotty little kid's lost order, it's sewing up Snuggly's buttocks...
*The phone rings, everybody grabs one*
Tony - Hello? No, sorry, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls, you have the wrong number...
Darkus - Who was that?
Tony - Stryke... again. For someone with an IQ as high as his, you think he'd have worked out how to operate a phone by now
*The phone rings again, everyone answers*
Simon - Don't talk, just listen... is this Mystique's Call Girls?
Tony - No, this is Special Reserve
Simon - Ah well, you were second on my list... OK, here's the beef, I have planted bombs all over the city, and I want Mr Snuggly and his hero to go after them all
Mr Snuggly - Mr T?
Simon - No, fool! I mean monkey_man, who rescued you. Snuggly and the hero will do as I say. If I say jump, you say...
Mr Snuggly - Why?
Simon - Grr! Just get to the train station and await my call! I have planted a bomb on a train heading for the station as we speak. I retuned their radio to ClassicFM so it's pointless to try and warn them. You must be there within 10 minutes, if not, I will detonate the bomb. But you HAVE to walk there. Remember, we're watching you... Ha ha, my voice sounded cool just then
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - You'd better get going, the train station is 10 minutes walk away... and pick me up a Happy Meal on the way there
*Scene 5*
*Mr Snuggly and monkey_man are running through the streets*
Mr Snuggly - (out of breath) How... how far have we gone?
monkey_man - We... we just left SR towers
Mr Snuggly - Screw this... we'll get a car
*They stop*
monkey_man - How?
Mr Snuggly - Hey, I've played GTA, I know what I'm doing
monkey_man - But he said they're watching us
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, right. How?
monkey_man - Well, there's that guy staring at us, talking into a walky-talky
Mr Snuggly - Typical... come on
*They start running again. Eventually they reach the train station*
Mr Snuggly - OK, I'm going to drop down onto the train and try and disarm the bomb... you wait here, keep an eye out for that guy who gives out fliers for 10% off car repair at Kwik Fit, I need a new exhaust
monkey_man - You didn't crash it in a car park again, did you?
Mr Snuggly - No... I swear! Anyway, gotta go diffuse that bomb
monkey_man - But you don't know anything about bombs!
Mr Snuggly - Hey, my parents got me a Mechano set when I was five, how hard can it be?
*Snuggly pulls open a grate, sees the train going underneath him, and drops down*
Mr Snuggly - Hope this is the right train!
*monkey_man shakes his head and starts running again*
monkey_man - As if the train we needed would be going underneath us as we spoke... who's writing this crap?
*Scene 6*
*Mr Snuggly is running down the train, flashing his staff ID tag at people*
Mr Snuggly - Excuse me, excuse me, official SR business, please step aside
*He bumps into a policeman*
Mr Snuggly - Oi, move it, don't you know who I am?
Policeman - You're the guy who stopped those terrorists at SR towers and Heathrow Airport...
*He punches him*
Policeman - That's for doing our job, and making us look bad!
*Holding his nose, Snuggly continues down the train*
Mr Snuggly - (high pitched voice) Move it, move it, don't you know there's a bomb about to go off?
*He sees a box on the wall which says "This Is A Bomb. Tamper At Own Risk"*
Mr Snuggly - Aha! This could be it! Hmm, I seem to have left my trusty screwdriver at home, stuck in my broken toaster... guess I can't diffuse it
*He pulls it down and starts running towards the back of the train*
*Scene 7*
*monkey_man is in the underground station, and a phone starts ringing. He answers*
monkey_man - Before you ask, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls
Simon - Oh... ah well. Where is Mr Snuggly?
monkey_man - He's... he's on his way. He's not as fit as he used to be, you know? Too much monkey related gaming
Simon - The deal was that BOTH of you get there. Say goodbye!
*The train approaches the station, monkey_man dives to the ground. Snuggly is onboard, trying to fit the bomb through the window*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid child safety windows!
*He headbutts the glass and it smashes. He throws the bomb out of the train*
Mr Snuggly - Yes! I did it, I.... urgh, that hurt
*He collapses on the floor. The bomb explodes, sending a huge fireball through the tunnel. The train derails just as it reaches the station, and starts running along the platform. The commuters try to run away from it, and monkey_man hides behind a fat guy. Eventually the train grinds to a halt, putting a cloud of dust in the air. Mr Snuggly crawls out of the wreck, pulls out some paper and a pen and starts scribbling something*
monkey_man - What's that?
Mr Snuggly - (writing) My list of things I've survived. Losing my TV remote... that poisoned KFC meal... and now a train crash... Too bad you weren't filming it, we could've sent it in to You've Been Framed
monkey_man - I told you you should've come with me! He wouldn't have blown it up if we'd both answered the phone!
Mr Snuggly - No... he was gonna blow it anyway. What were the chances that we'd make it here on time?
monkey_man - If we hadn't stopped for that pint, pretty good actually
*Scene 8*
*Back at SR towers*
Tony - Snuggly, you muppet! That train station is coming out of YOUR salary
Mr Snuggly - OK, just give me a bonus of about fifty grand then
*The phone rings, everyone answers*
Tony - Yellow?
Simon - That's no way to answer the phone. Now, listen carefully. I have planted a bomb inside a school, somewhere in the city. You can check the schools, but you cannot evacuate them. Snuggly and the hero may not help, as they will be kept busy with my amazingly fiendish tasks. Simon says Snuggly and the hero must go to the King's Head pub, three miles away from SR towers, and await my instructions. Any attempt to evacuate the schools, and I blow the school. Any attempt to stop selling DVDs, and I blow the school
Darkus - Um... we already stopped selling DV-
Tony - Quiet, foo'! Yes, Simon, we understand... we shall do as you say
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - Get all the staff members you can find, we need to check these schools
loki - Maybe we should get the police?
Tony - Maybe you should shut up
loki - Sorry...
Tony - Now we don't have much time, so get going. Draft in everyone who did their work experience at SR if need be, but find that bomb! We can't have half our customers getting blown up!
Hybrid Valves - Actually, latest figures show the average gamer is aged between-
Tony - Hybrid... nobody cares. Now get going! Snuggly, monkey_man, get to that pub on the double!
Mr Snuggly - Can we take one of your cars?
Tony - No! I need them all for pulling birds!
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly and monkey_man timidly walk into the pub*
monkey_man - OK, so what now?
Mr Snuggly - I guess we wait for a phone call... and get hammered while we're at it
monkey_man - I hear that!
*They go to the bar*
monkey_man - Hey... do you notice anything strange about this place?
*Snuggly looks around. The pub is totally full of big, butch men*
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, where are all the fine ladies?
monkey_man - Yeah, and how come everyone's so big and hairy?
Mr Snuggly - My God! He's sent us to a gay bar!
monkey_man - Aaarrrrgh! That guy is looking at me!
Mr Snuggly - Aaarrrrgh! That guy brushed past me and touched my butt!
*They dash for the exit, running past everyone till they're outside*
Announcer - And now, for your enjoyment, courtesy of Mystique's Call Girls - the strippers!
*Beautiful, exotic ladies come out of the toilets and get naked*
Bloke 1 - Why are they in such a hurry to leave?
Bloke 2 - Must be a couple of poufs
*Scene 10*
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. are in a school yard*
Brad - Right, get looking, lads
BEARDS. - It's nothing like Grange Hill... where's the smoker's corner?
*Some students come up*
Darkus - AfroJoe? What are you doing here? You live in Scotland, don't you?
AfroJoe - Student exchange. And that's SIR AfroJoe to you, I was knighted you know
RM18 - Ahem... you were elected as a notable, not knighted
AfroJoe - What, you mean it's not the same thing?
El Blokey - Not even slightly
AfroJoe - Then how come Mick Jagger is urine coloured?
RM18 - He's just getting old, bladder ain't what it was
AfroJoe - Grr! No wonder the queen wasn't returning my calls! I thought she was just too busy getting poled by Goatboy! And I spent all that money on a pee coloured suit of armour!
Darkus - Riiiight... anyway, you lot haven't happened to see a bomb anywhere, have you?
Rakuga - Yeah, there's one over there, J Savo's been throwing stones and kicking it
Brad - Argh!
*They lead them over to the bomb, which is planted on the bike shed. J Savo is trying to unscrew it*
BEARDS. - Savo! Stop that!
Stryke - Sssh, I've almost got it. I have a 50p bet that it won't blow me up if I open it
*They drag him away. Brad sits down next to it*
Darkus - Do we evacuate the school?
Brad - We can't, Simon says he's watching us. I hope he isn't, my hair's a right mess...
*Scene 11*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are walking down a street, away from the pub*
monkey_man - So... we missed the phone call... think Simon'll do anything? He said we'd pay the consequences if we didn't do as he said
Mr Snuggly - Naaa, I think he's full of hot air, like that Mr. Sunggly bloke who tried to imitate my genius. Nothing will happen
*The pub behind them explodes. They turn around and look at the blazing inferno*
monkey_man - That was your fault, that was
Mr Snuggly - Well it ain't coming out of MY salary! You know, something's been bugging me...
monkey_man - Itchy underwear?
Mr Snuggly - No. I've been thinking. All the SR staff are searching the schools, leaving their posts to try and find the bomb, right? Well what does Broomfield Road not have? Schools. What does it have? SR shop... I think the school thing is just to tie up the staff so they can steal all the games and DVDs from the shops!
monkey_man - Wow, you thought of all that yourself? Here, have a cookie. Wait, there's no schools on Broomfield Road?
Mr Snuggly - No, the council refuses to build any nearby because of Hybrid's problem
monkey_man - You don't mean he... you know...
Mr Snuggly - Yes, I'm afraid so. He keeps nicking their dinner money
monkey_man - (disappointed) Oh... Ah well, there goes my big scoop. So what do we do about it?
Mr Snuggly - We get back to the deserted shop and stop Simon. And we nick those kid's dinner money...
*Scene 12*
*monkey_man and Snuggly arrive at the SR shop on two commandeered kid's trikes*
monkey_man - Ow, I keep banging my knees on the handlebars
Mr Snuggly - This is the place, come on
*They get off and both have an acute case of riding a horse syndrome*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid uncomfortable seats
*They walk like crabs towards the shop. Inside, dozens of people are looting the store. Snuggly kicks the door in*
Mr Snuggly - Oops, bet I end up paying for that... Anyway, freeze, dirtbags! This is a citizen's arrest!
*The people look at him, then continue emptying the shelves into black bags*
monkey_man - Do something! Threaten them!
Mr Snuggly - OK, you lot, stop what you're doing or the bunny gets it
monkey_man - (whispering) You don't have a bunny
Mr Snuggly - I know, but watch
*One by one, the people stop what they're doing and turn around*
INKman - Nozorz!!1 Not teh bunnne!
$@NT@ Šm€®ç - Leaf ti alown!11
Mr Snuggly - Oh great... NEWBIES! Not again! Right, you lot, hands up!
*Someone walks in from the store room, his face covered by a pink balaclava*
Simon - You fools, he doesn't even HAVE a rabbit! Shoot him!
monkey_man - Now what?
Mr Snuggly - Duck!
*The newbies start shooting at him. They dive behind an X-Box display, and cower from the onslaught of bullets*
monkey_man - Good job these X-Boxes are built like bricks... so what's the plan?
Mr Snuggly - We'll have to go to plan B
monkey_man - What happened to plan A?
Mr Snuggly - Plan A was wetting our pants. Mission accomplished
monkey_man - Eeewww... So what's plan B?
Mr Snuggly - You run at them, acting as a human shield. When they get bored shooting you to death, I'll whack 'em from behind
monkey_man - So far, I'm liking plan A more than plan B. OK, what about plan C?
Mr Snuggly - Calling the A-team?
monkey_man - Alright, plan D
*monkey_man picks up an X-Box from the display they're hiding behind and hurls it over his shoulder towards the newbies*
coldfusion008 - Ow! Youzorz brokk my toez!!1
*Snuggly and monkey_man start hurling more X-Boxes at the newbies*
Mr Snuggly - Bill Gates would be proud that finally, somebody found a use for his console
monkey_man - Newbie bashing! If only Stryke were alive to see this...
*Eventually, the newbies are in X-Box induced comas. Snuggly gets up to survey the damage. Simon is the only one left*
Simon - You'll pay for this!
*He runs out the back door. They hear a car starting. It speeds off down the alley, onto the main road. Snuggly and monkey_man run out the shop and stop a passing car*
monkey_man - Follow that pink balaclava wearing muppet!
WookieMonster - Do you mind? I'm trying to cruise the streets, looking hard
Mr Snuggly - Just drive, before I revoke your SR membership!
*WookieMonster puts his foot down and they speed off*
Mr Snuggly - What's that?
monkey_man - Oh, I swiped a game from SR. I figure if all those have been stolen, one more won't hurt
Mr Snuggly - You know if you want free games, all you have to do is slip me a fiver
*They catch up with Simon's car*
Mr Snuggly - Get in closer, closer! Speed up, he's getting away again!
WookieMonster - Hey, I'd like to see YOU drive a mini at these speeds!
*Snuggly climbs out of the window, and holds onto the door from outside*
monkey_man - What are you doing?!
Mr Snuggly - It's OK, I have life insurance!
monkey_man - It ran out today!
Mr Snuggly - Argh, let me back in!
*Simon smashes his car into Wookie's mini. Snuggly falls onto Simon's roof*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off! I don't have coverage!
Simon - Too late for that!
*Simon speeds away from Wookie and monkey_man*
Mr Snuggly - (shouting) Call Batman, he'll know what to do!
*Wookie can't keep up, and slows to a stop*
WookieMonster - Now what?
monkey_man - I could do with a KFC, how about you?
*Scene 13*
*Simon's car, with Snuggly still clutching to the roof, drives into a dock*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off!
Simon - If you don't shut up, I'm turning this car around, I swear!
*He parks next to a big boat. Snuggly gets off and dusts himself off*
Mr Snuggly - How much do I owe you?
*Simon pulls a gun*
Simon - Get into the ship
Mr Snuggly - Hey, hey, hey! I was gonna tip you, I swear!
*Simon leads Snuggly up the ramp and onto the boat. WookieMonster pulls up a few minutes later. monkey_man gets out, finishing his family sized KFC bucket*
monkey_man - I said McDonald's, not the docks!
WookieMonster - Look, you need to save Snuggly, get on with it!
monkey_man - Alright, alright. Pass me my Pepsi
*monkey_man sneaks inside, Wookie drives off*
monkey_man - Oh man! I left that game in WookieMonster's back seat! He has enough GADs!
*Somebody Else comes up behind monkey_man*
Somebody Else - Stop right there. This banana is loaded
monkey_man - Argh! Don't shoot!
*Scene 14*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are tied up in the engine room, surrounded by explosives and black bags*
Simon - As you can see, you are surrounded by bombs, as well as all the stolen games from the Special Reserve shop
monkey_man - You're blowing them all up? What a waste! I could have them!
Mr Snuggly - You'll never get away with this!
Simon - Why not? You'll be dead, the games will be vaporised, my newbie army are too low on IQ figures to tell anyone, I've been wearing this manly balaclava the entire time, and unless that reporter who keeps following me around, writing everything I say tells anyone, then I'm in the clear.
Mr Snuggly - Manly balaclava? Looks like your mum knitted it... for your sister
*Simon adjusts his pink balaclava*
Simon - Shut it! This thing keeps me warm when the generator at school breaks down!
Mr Snuggly - I just need to know... can I go to the toilet?
Simon - No
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty then... hang on, I had another question... Oh yes, I remember. Who are you and why are you doing this?
Simon - You mean you haven't figured it out? I left all those clues at the King's Head pub
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, about that... you see, it was all monkey_man's fault, he made us late so the bomb went off before we got to answer the phone
Simon - Those poor strippers.... barbequed... Anyway, since you're about to die, and since I've obviously already got away with my plan, then I can let you know
*Simon removes his balaclava*
Mr Snuggly - Stryke!
er-no - Er... no. It is I, er-no!
Mr Snuggly - Lord H?
er-no - No! I'm er-no!
Mr Snuggly - But why?
er-no - Tony has had his iron fist around the gaming market for too long. Honest shops like GAME cannot hope to compete with SR's crazily low prices!
Mr Snuggly - Honest shop? They charge up to £50!
er-no - They are forced into that by SR! If I destroy all of SR's merchandise, I can rid the world of them and their meddling boss! My manager at GAME is sure to give me a raise!
Mr Snuggly - But all those posts on the forums! You seemed so happy! Well, there's only one thing left to do... can you please not kill me?
monkey_man - And me!
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, and him... I guess
er-no - I'm not a newbie, Snuggly, those tricks won't work on me! Now, I must go and blow up the rest of the SR shops around the south of England!
Mr Snuggly - There is no bomb in the school, is there... it was all a trick
er-no - Oh there's a bomb, alright. At my old school. Hated that place. Now I must laugh manically and leave you to get separated from the rest of you. Toodles!
*er-no and his newbie cronies leave*
monkey_man - What now?
Mr Snuggly - We escape, what else?
*They escape, and run from the ship*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid newb obviously didn't pay attention in the scouts... he didn't bother tying the ropes
*They watch from the docks as the ship explodes, then slowly sinks to the bottom*
monkey_man - What a waste of all those games
Mr Snuggly - Rest assured, there were no games on that ship. I know er-what's his name too well. He's keeping them
monkey_man - Where do you think he's gone?
Mr Snuggly - He's right there
*Snuggly points to er-no, who is getting into his car*
monkey_man - Get him!
*They rush at er-no, who sees them*
er-no - Argh! Foiled by my own newbie's stupidity!
*He pulls a gun and starts shooting at them. They dive for cover*
monkey_man - Do something!
Mr Snuggly - What?
monkey_man - Anything!
Mr Snuggly - Alright
*He pulls out a GBA and starts playing Turok Evolution*
monkey_man - Something productive!
Mr Snuggly - But I'm on level three! Oh, alright. See any X-Boxes we can hurl at him?
monkey_man - Don't you have a gun?
Mr Snuggly - Do I look American?
Drunk Cow - You called?
*Drunk Cow walks up and hands Snuggly a gun*
Drunk Cow - This little beut got my uncle life in prison, look after it
*Snuggly starts shooting over the wall he's hiding behind. er-no takes cover*
monkey_man - Shoot him!
Mr Snuggly - Really? I was thinking about shooting those ducks above him... of course I'm trying to shoot him!
*Snuggly fires again, hitting a duck which falls from the sky and lands smack bang on er-no's bonce*
er-no - (groggily) No, mummy, I don't want to go to school...
*He drops to the floor. Snuggly and monkey_man run up. Tony and the staff arrive*
Tony - We heard Simon announcing he was going to blow up all the stolen games, we got here as fast as we could!
Mr Snuggly - (smug mode) Yeah... I stopped him
*monkey_man elbows him in the ribs*
Mr Snuggly - I mean, um... I stopped him, with no help from monkey_man
Tony - So it was er-no, eh? Where are the games?
*Snuggly opens the car boot. All the games are packed inside*
Mr Snuggly - What about the bomb at the school? You guys diffuse it?
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. look at each other*
Brad - Oops
*In the distance they hear a large explosion. A cloud of smoke fills the sky*
Mr Snuggly - Ah well, can't win 'em all. Yay, I saved the day AGAIN! And without having to crawl through any dirty air vents!
Tony - Snuggly, the rats have clogged the air conditioning at SR towers again, get up in those vents with a broom and clear them out. Watch out, though, they carry the plague
Mr Snuggly - Typical
*THE END*
*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is sat at his desk. schroeder comes in*
schroeder - What was that? Did you just fall off your chair?
Tony - No, but thanks for asking. Now that you're here, can you do me a favour?
schroeder - Sure, boss
Tony - Get out
schroeder - Oh, yeah, you got it, boss
Tony - Thanks
*She leaves. Tony's phone rings*
Tony - Special Reserve, secret front for the Chinese mafia, Tony speaking... Excuse me? Who is this? Simon? Stupid name... What? ... Snuggly? No, he's on suspension... we caught him trying to rig the Christmas raffle... what? Are you serious? Oh my God!
*Tony falls off his chair in surprise*
Tony - Argh! Help, schroeder! Man down! Man down!
*Scene 2*
*Mr Snuggly is sat in the back of a van with Darkus*
Mr Snuggly - So why does it have to be me?
Darkus - Tony doesn't know, the guy on the phone just said it has to be you, and that his name was Simon, that's all.
Mr Snuggly - Nice plot devise... So why are we jumping through hoops for this guy?
Darkus - You hear about the bomb they found in Tony's car?
Mr Snuggly - Yeah...
Darkus - This guy put it there, says there'll be more if we don't co-operate
Mr Snuggly - That lying son of a- He's taking credit for MY work!
Darkus - Excuse me?
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... nothing... So, are we ready?
Darkus - Yep, here you go
*Darkus puts a piece of paper on Snuggly's back saying "Kick Me" and Snuggly gets out of the van*
Mr Snuggly - So where are you gonna be?
Darkus - McDonalds, getting breakfast
Mr Snuggly - What?! You're leaving me here with this on my back?!
Darkus - I'll be back in five minutes
Mr Snuggly - That's OK, I expect to be bruised in four
*Darkus gets behind the wheel and drives off*
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it...?
*Scene 3*
*monkey_man is in a phone box*
monkey_man - Hello? Is this Mystique's Call Girls? Yeah, I sort of told my parents I'm married to Jennifer Lopez, and they want to meet her... so, can you like, see if she's available? Yes, I'll hold
*He looks across the street, sees something, and runs off, leaving the phone hanging*
Mystique - OK, we just checked with Affleck, and he'll lend you Jennifer for the weekend... hello? Hello? Typical!
*monkey_man runs up to Snuggly, who is getting the holy heck kicked out of him by a bunch of school kids*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, quit it! Why you little-!
monkey_man - Look out, here comes Ms Butch!
*The kids look at each other in terror, and leg it*
monkey_man - You alright, Snuggly?
Mr Snuggly - Just hook me up to some morphine...
monkey_man - What are you doing out here?
Mr Snuggly - Some guy is planting bombs around the city, and re-tuning people's radios to ClassicFM
monkey_man - The fiend! Come on, I'd better get you back to SR towers... you've lost a lot of blood
*Scene 4*
*Snuggly is being patched up by schroeder*
schroeder - If it's not some spotty little kid's lost order, it's sewing up Snuggly's buttocks...
*The phone rings, everybody grabs one*
Tony - Hello? No, sorry, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls, you have the wrong number...
Darkus - Who was that?
Tony - Stryke... again. For someone with an IQ as high as his, you think he'd have worked out how to operate a phone by now
*The phone rings again, everyone answers*
Simon - Don't talk, just listen... is this Mystique's Call Girls?
Tony - No, this is Special Reserve
Simon - Ah well, you were second on my list... OK, here's the beef, I have planted bombs all over the city, and I want Mr Snuggly and his hero to go after them all
Mr Snuggly - Mr T?
Simon - No, fool! I mean monkey_man, who rescued you. Snuggly and the hero will do as I say. If I say jump, you say...
Mr Snuggly - Why?
Simon - Grr! Just get to the train station and await my call! I have planted a bomb on a train heading for the station as we speak. I retuned their radio to ClassicFM so it's pointless to try and warn them. You must be there within 10 minutes, if not, I will detonate the bomb. But you HAVE to walk there. Remember, we're watching you... Ha ha, my voice sounded cool just then
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - You'd better get going, the train station is 10 minutes walk away... and pick me up a Happy Meal on the way there
*Scene 5*
*Mr Snuggly and monkey_man are running through the streets*
Mr Snuggly - (out of breath) How... how far have we gone?
monkey_man - We... we just left SR towers
Mr Snuggly - Screw this... we'll get a car
*They stop*
monkey_man - How?
Mr Snuggly - Hey, I've played GTA, I know what I'm doing
monkey_man - But he said they're watching us
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, right. How?
monkey_man - Well, there's that guy staring at us, talking into a walky-talky
Mr Snuggly - Typical... come on
*They start running again. Eventually they reach the train station*
Mr Snuggly - OK, I'm going to drop down onto the train and try and disarm the bomb... you wait here, keep an eye out for that guy who gives out fliers for 10% off car repair at Kwik Fit, I need a new exhaust
monkey_man - You didn't crash it in a car park again, did you?
Mr Snuggly - No... I swear! Anyway, gotta go diffuse that bomb
monkey_man - But you don't know anything about bombs!
Mr Snuggly - Hey, my parents got me a Mechano set when I was five, how hard can it be?
*Snuggly pulls open a grate, sees the train going underneath him, and drops down*
Mr Snuggly - Hope this is the right train!
*monkey_man shakes his head and starts running again*
monkey_man - As if the train we needed would be going underneath us as we spoke... who's writing this crap?
*Scene 6*
*Mr Snuggly is running down the train, flashing his staff ID tag at people*
Mr Snuggly - Excuse me, excuse me, official SR business, please step aside
*He bumps into a policeman*
Mr Snuggly - Oi, move it, don't you know who I am?
Policeman - You're the guy who stopped those terrorists at SR towers and Heathrow Airport...
*He punches him*
Policeman - That's for doing our job, and making us look bad!
*Holding his nose, Snuggly continues down the train*
Mr Snuggly - (high pitched voice) Move it, move it, don't you know there's a bomb about to go off?
*He sees a box on the wall which says "This Is A Bomb. Tamper At Own Risk"*
Mr Snuggly - Aha! This could be it! Hmm, I seem to have left my trusty screwdriver at home, stuck in my broken toaster... guess I can't diffuse it
*He pulls it down and starts running towards the back of the train*
*Scene 7*
*monkey_man is in the underground station, and a phone starts ringing. He answers*
monkey_man - Before you ask, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls
Simon - Oh... ah well. Where is Mr Snuggly?
monkey_man - He's... he's on his way. He's not as fit as he used to be, you know? Too much monkey related gaming
Simon - The deal was that BOTH of you get there. Say goodbye!
*The train approaches the station, monkey_man dives to the ground. Snuggly is onboard, trying to fit the bomb through the window*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid child safety windows!
*He headbutts the glass and it smashes. He throws the bomb out of the train*
Mr Snuggly - Yes! I did it, I.... urgh, that hurt
*He collapses on the floor. The bomb explodes, sending a huge fireball through the tunnel. The train derails just as it reaches the station, and starts running along the platform. The commuters try to run away from it, and monkey_man hides behind a fat guy. Eventually the train grinds to a halt, putting a cloud of dust in the air. Mr Snuggly crawls out of the wreck, pulls out some paper and a pen and starts scribbling something*
monkey_man - What's that?
Mr Snuggly - (writing) My list of things I've survived. Losing my TV remote... that poisoned KFC meal... and now a train crash... Too bad you weren't filming it, we could've sent it in to You've Been Framed
monkey_man - I told you you should've come with me! He wouldn't have blown it up if we'd both answered the phone!
Mr Snuggly - No... he was gonna blow it anyway. What were the chances that we'd make it here on time?
monkey_man - If we hadn't stopped for that pint, pretty good actually
*Scene 8*
*Back at SR towers*
Tony - Snuggly, you muppet! That train station is coming out of YOUR salary
Mr Snuggly - OK, just give me a bonus of about fifty grand then
*The phone rings, everyone answers*
Tony - Yellow?
Simon - That's no way to answer the phone. Now, listen carefully. I have planted a bomb inside a school, somewhere in the city. You can check the schools, but you cannot evacuate them. Snuggly and the hero may not help, as they will be kept busy with my amazingly fiendish tasks. Simon says Snuggly and the hero must go to the King's Head pub, three miles away from SR towers, and await my instructions. Any attempt to evacuate the schools, and I blow the school. Any attempt to stop selling DVDs, and I blow the school
Darkus - Um... we already stopped selling DV-
Tony - Quiet, foo'! Yes, Simon, we understand... we shall do as you say
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - Get all the staff members you can find, we need to check these schools
loki - Maybe we should get the police?
Tony - Maybe you should shut up
loki - Sorry...
Tony - Now we don't have much time, so get going. Draft in everyone who did their work experience at SR if need be, but find that bomb! We can't have half our customers getting blown up!
Hybrid Valves - Actually, latest figures show the average gamer is aged between-
Tony - Hybrid... nobody cares. Now get going! Snuggly, monkey_man, get to that pub on the double!
Mr Snuggly - Can we take one of your cars?
Tony - No! I need them all for pulling birds!
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly and monkey_man timidly walk into the pub*
monkey_man - OK, so what now?
Mr Snuggly - I guess we wait for a phone call... and get hammered while we're at it
monkey_man - I hear that!
*They go to the bar*
monkey_man - Hey... do you notice anything strange about this place?
*Snuggly looks around. The pub is totally full of big, butch men*
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, where are all the fine ladies?
monkey_man - Yeah, and how come everyone's so big and hairy?
Mr Snuggly - My God! He's sent us to a gay bar!
monkey_man - Aaarrrrgh! That guy is looking at me!
Mr Snuggly - Aaarrrrgh! That guy brushed past me and touched my butt!
*They dash for the exit, running past everyone till they're outside*
Announcer - And now, for your enjoyment, courtesy of Mystique's Call Girls - the strippers!
*Beautiful, exotic ladies come out of the toilets and get naked*
Bloke 1 - Why are they in such a hurry to leave?
Bloke 2 - Must be a couple of poufs
*Scene 10*
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. are in a school yard*
Brad - Right, get looking, lads
BEARDS. - It's nothing like Grange Hill... where's the smoker's corner?
*Some students come up*
Darkus - AfroJoe? What are you doing here? You live in Scotland, don't you?
AfroJoe - Student exchange. And that's SIR AfroJoe to you, I was knighted you know
RM18 - Ahem... you were elected as a notable, not knighted
AfroJoe - What, you mean it's not the same thing?
El Blokey - Not even slightly
AfroJoe - Then how come Mick Jagger is urine coloured?
RM18 - He's just getting old, bladder ain't what it was
AfroJoe - Grr! No wonder the queen wasn't returning my calls! I thought she was just too busy getting poled by Goatboy! And I spent all that money on a pee coloured suit of armour!
Darkus - Riiiight... anyway, you lot haven't happened to see a bomb anywhere, have you?
Rakuga - Yeah, there's one over there, J Savo's been throwing stones and kicking it
Brad - Argh!
*They lead them over to the bomb, which is planted on the bike shed. J Savo is trying to unscrew it*
BEARDS. - Savo! Stop that!
Stryke - Sssh, I've almost got it. I have a 50p bet that it won't blow me up if I open it
*They drag him away. Brad sits down next to it*
Darkus - Do we evacuate the school?
Brad - We can't, Simon says he's watching us. I hope he isn't, my hair's a right mess...
*Scene 11*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are walking down a street, away from the pub*
monkey_man - So... we missed the phone call... think Simon'll do anything? He said we'd pay the consequences if we didn't do as he said
Mr Snuggly - Naaa, I think he's full of hot air, like that Mr. Sunggly bloke who tried to imitate my genius. Nothing will happen
*The pub behind them explodes. They turn around and look at the blazing inferno*
monkey_man - That was your fault, that was
Mr Snuggly - Well it ain't coming out of MY salary! You know, something's been bugging me...
monkey_man - Itchy underwear?
Mr Snuggly - No. I've been thinking. All the SR staff are searching the schools, leaving their posts to try and find the bomb, right? Well what does Broomfield Road not have? Schools. What does it have? SR shop... I think the school thing is just to tie up the staff so they can steal all the games and DVDs from the shops!
monkey_man - Wow, you thought of all that yourself? Here, have a cookie. Wait, there's no schools on Broomfield Road?
Mr Snuggly - No, the council refuses to build any nearby because of Hybrid's problem
monkey_man - You don't mean he... you know...
Mr Snuggly - Yes, I'm afraid so. He keeps nicking their dinner money
monkey_man - (disappointed) Oh... Ah well, there goes my big scoop. So what do we do about it?
Mr Snuggly - We get back to the deserted shop and stop Simon. And we nick those kid's dinner money...
*Scene 12*
*monkey_man and Snuggly arrive at the SR shop on two commandeered kid's trikes*
monkey_man - Ow, I keep banging my knees on the handlebars
Mr Snuggly - This is the place, come on
*They get off and both have an acute case of riding a horse syndrome*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid uncomfortable seats
*They walk like crabs towards the shop. Inside, dozens of people are looting the store. Snuggly kicks the door in*
Mr Snuggly - Oops, bet I end up paying for that... Anyway, freeze, dirtbags! This is a citizen's arrest!
*The people look at him, then continue emptying the shelves into black bags*
monkey_man - Do something! Threaten them!
Mr Snuggly - OK, you lot, stop what you're doing or the bunny gets it
monkey_man - (whispering) You don't have a bunny
Mr Snuggly - I know, but watch
*One by one, the people stop what they're doing and turn around*
INKman - Nozorz!!1 Not teh bunnne!
$@NT@ Šm€®ç - Leaf ti alown!11
Mr Snuggly - Oh great... NEWBIES! Not again! Right, you lot, hands up!
*Someone walks in from the store room, his face covered by a pink balaclava*
Simon - You fools, he doesn't even HAVE a rabbit! Shoot him!
monkey_man - Now what?
Mr Snuggly - Duck!
*The newbies start shooting at him. They dive behind an X-Box display, and cower from the onslaught of bullets*
monkey_man - Good job these X-Boxes are built like bricks... so what's the plan?
Mr Snuggly - We'll have to go to plan B
monkey_man - What happened to plan A?
Mr Snuggly - Plan A was wetting our pants. Mission accomplished
monkey_man - Eeewww... So what's plan B?
Mr Snuggly - You run at them, acting as a human shield. When they get bored shooting you to death, I'll whack 'em from behind
monkey_man - So far, I'm liking plan A more than plan B. OK, what about plan C?
Mr Snuggly - Calling the A-team?
monkey_man - Alright, plan D
*monkey_man picks up an X-Box from the display they're hiding behind and hurls it over his shoulder towards the newbies*
coldfusion008 - Ow! Youzorz brokk my toez!!1
*Snuggly and monkey_man start hurling more X-Boxes at the newbies*
Mr Snuggly - Bill Gates would be proud that finally, somebody found a use for his console
monkey_man - Newbie bashing! If only Stryke were alive to see this...
*Eventually, the newbies are in X-Box induced comas. Snuggly gets up to survey the damage. Simon is the only one left*
Simon - You'll pay for this!
*He runs out the back door. They hear a car starting. It speeds off down the alley, onto the main road. Snuggly and monkey_man run out the shop and stop a passing car*
monkey_man - Follow that pink balaclava wearing muppet!
WookieMonster - Do you mind? I'm trying to cruise the streets, looking hard
Mr Snuggly - Just drive, before I revoke your SR membership!
*WookieMonster puts his foot down and they speed off*
Mr Snuggly - What's that?
monkey_man - Oh, I swiped a game from SR. I figure if all those have been stolen, one more won't hurt
Mr Snuggly - You know if you want free games, all you have to do is slip me a fiver
*They catch up with Simon's car*
Mr Snuggly - Get in closer, closer! Speed up, he's getting away again!
WookieMonster - Hey, I'd like to see YOU drive a mini at these speeds!
*Snuggly climbs out of the window, and holds onto the door from outside*
monkey_man - What are you doing?!
Mr Snuggly - It's OK, I have life insurance!
monkey_man - It ran out today!
Mr Snuggly - Argh, let me back in!
*Simon smashes his car into Wookie's mini. Snuggly falls onto Simon's roof*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off! I don't have coverage!
Simon - Too late for that!
*Simon speeds away from Wookie and monkey_man*
Mr Snuggly - (shouting) Call Batman, he'll know what to do!
*Wookie can't keep up, and slows to a stop*
WookieMonster - Now what?
monkey_man - I could do with a KFC, how about you?
*Scene 13*
*Simon's car, with Snuggly still clutching to the roof, drives into a dock*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off!
Simon - If you don't shut up, I'm turning this car around, I swear!
*He parks next to a big boat. Snuggly gets off and dusts himself off*
Mr Snuggly - How much do I owe you?
*Simon pulls a gun*
Simon - Get into the ship
Mr Snuggly - Hey, hey, hey! I was gonna tip you, I swear!
*Simon leads Snuggly up the ramp and onto the boat. WookieMonster pulls up a few minutes later. monkey_man gets out, finishing his family sized KFC bucket*
monkey_man - I said McDonald's, not the docks!
WookieMonster - Look, you need to save Snuggly, get on with it!
monkey_man - Alright, alright. Pass me my Pepsi
*monkey_man sneaks inside, Wookie drives off*
monkey_man - Oh man! I left that game in WookieMonster's back seat! He has enough GADs!
*Somebody Else comes up behind monkey_man*
Somebody Else - Stop right there. This banana is loaded
monkey_man - Argh! Don't shoot!
*Scene 14*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are tied up in the engine room, surrounded by explosives and black bags*
Simon - As you can see, you are surrounded by bombs, as well as all the stolen games from the Special Reserve shop
monkey_man - You're blowing them all up? What a waste! I could have them!
Mr Snuggly - You'll never get away with this!
Simon - Why not? You'll be dead, the games will be vaporised, my newbie army are too low on IQ figures to tell anyone, I've been wearing this manly balaclava the entire time, and unless that reporter who keeps following me around, writing everything I say tells anyone, then I'm in the clear.
Mr Snuggly - Manly balaclava? Looks like your mum knitted it... for your sister
*Simon adjusts his pink balaclava*
Simon - Shut it! This thing keeps me warm when the generator at school breaks down!
Mr Snuggly - I just need to know... can I go to the toilet?
Simon - No
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty then... hang on, I had another question... Oh yes, I remember. Who are you and why are you doing this?
Simon - You mean you haven't figured it out? I left all those clues at the King's Head pub
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, about that... you see, it was all monkey_man's fault, he made us late so the bomb went off before we got to answer the phone
Simon - Those poor strippers.... barbequed... Anyway, since you're about to die, and since I've obviously already got away with my plan, then I can let you know
*Simon removes his balaclava*
Mr Snuggly - Stryke!
er-no - Er... no. It is I, er-no!
Mr Snuggly - Lord H?
er-no - No! I'm er-no!
Mr Snuggly - But why?
er-no - Tony has had his iron fist around the gaming market for too long. Honest shops like GAME cannot hope to compete with SR's crazily low prices!
Mr Snuggly - Honest shop? They charge up to £50!
er-no - They are forced into that by SR! If I destroy all of SR's merchandise, I can rid the world of them and their meddling boss! My manager at GAME is sure to give me a raise!
Mr Snuggly - But all those posts on the forums! You seemed so happy! Well, there's only one thing left to do... can you please not kill me?
monkey_man - And me!
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, and him... I guess
er-no - I'm not a newbie, Snuggly, those tricks won't work on me! Now, I must go and blow up the rest of the SR shops around the south of England!
Mr Snuggly - There is no bomb in the school, is there... it was all a trick
er-no - Oh there's a bomb, alright. At my old school. Hated that place. Now I must laugh manically and leave you to get separated from the rest of you. Toodles!
*er-no and his newbie cronies leave*
monkey_man - What now?
Mr Snuggly - We escape, what else?
*They escape, and run from the ship*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid newb obviously didn't pay attention in the scouts... he didn't bother tying the ropes
*They watch from the docks as the ship explodes, then slowly sinks to the bottom*
monkey_man - What a waste of all those games
Mr Snuggly - Rest assured, there were no games on that ship. I know er-what's his name too well. He's keeping them
monkey_man - Where do you think he's gone?
Mr Snuggly - He's right there
*Snuggly points to er-no, who is getting into his car*
monkey_man - Get him!
*They rush at er-no, who sees them*
er-no - Argh! Foiled by my own newbie's stupidity!
*He pulls a gun and starts shooting at them. They dive for cover*
monkey_man - Do something!
Mr Snuggly - What?
monkey_man - Anything!
Mr Snuggly - Alright
*He pulls out a GBA and starts playing Turok Evolution*
monkey_man - Something productive!
Mr Snuggly - But I'm on level three! Oh, alright. See any X-Boxes we can hurl at him?
monkey_man - Don't you have a gun?
Mr Snuggly - Do I look American?
Drunk Cow - You called?
*Drunk Cow walks up and hands Snuggly a gun*
Drunk Cow - This little beut got my uncle life in prison, look after it
*Snuggly starts shooting over the wall he's hiding behind. er-no takes cover*
monkey_man - Shoot him!
Mr Snuggly - Really? I was thinking about shooting those ducks above him... of course I'm trying to shoot him!
*Snuggly fires again, hitting a duck which falls from the sky and lands smack bang on er-no's bonce*
er-no - (groggily) No, mummy, I don't want to go to school...
*He drops to the floor. Snuggly and monkey_man run up. Tony and the staff arrive*
Tony - We heard Simon announcing he was going to blow up all the stolen games, we got here as fast as we could!
Mr Snuggly - (smug mode) Yeah... I stopped him
*monkey_man elbows him in the ribs*
Mr Snuggly - I mean, um... I stopped him, with no help from monkey_man
Tony - So it was er-no, eh? Where are the games?
*Snuggly opens the car boot. All the games are packed inside*
Mr Snuggly - What about the bomb at the school? You guys diffuse it?
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. look at each other*
Brad - Oops
*In the distance they hear a large explosion. A cloud of smoke fills the sky*
Mr Snuggly - Ah well, can't win 'em all. Yay, I saved the day AGAIN! And without having to crawl through any dirty air vents!
Tony - Snuggly, the rats have clogged the air conditioning at SR towers again, get up in those vents with a broom and clear them out. Watch out, though, they carry the plague
Mr Snuggly - Typical
*THE END*
You keep reading hoping it will never end.. and it didn't for a very long time. Excellent stuff.
They love you, really, Blokey
Damn fascists. Delete my posts, will you?
*pulls down trousers*
( Y )
*pulls down trousers*
( Y )
Glad you lot enjoyed them
Also glad it put your word counts up ;-)
Also glad it put your word counts up ;-)
I'm not going to be a right cheese grater (no reason for this saying) and copy it all out just to put a small comment of praise at the bottom... but I will put a small comment of praise at the bottom.
Excellent stuff - well done. :-)
Excellent stuff - well done. :-)
ROTFLMFAO!
Another GAD for MoJo.
Another GAD for MoJo.
Great stuff as usual, but I was shamefully under used.
I guess he asked for that...
Spam Hard 3 - Up Your Word Count With A Vengeance
*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is sat at his desk. schroeder comes in*
schroeder - What was that? Did you just fall off your chair?
Tony - No, but thanks for asking. Now that you're here, can you do me a favour?
schroeder - Sure, boss
Tony - Get out
schroeder - Oh, yeah, you got it, boss
Tony - Thanks
*She leaves. Tony's phone rings*
Tony - Special Reserve, secret front for the Chinese mafia, Tony speaking... Excuse me? Who is this? Simon? Stupid name... What? ... Snuggly? No, he's on suspension... we caught him trying to rig the Christmas raffle... what? Are you serious? Oh my God!
*Tony falls off his chair in surprise*
Tony - Argh! Help, schroeder! Man down! Man down!
*Scene 2*
*Mr Snuggly is sat in the back of a van with Darkus*
Mr Snuggly - So why does it have to be me?
Darkus - Tony doesn't know, the guy on the phone just said it has to be you, and that his name was Simon, that's all.
Mr Snuggly - Nice plot devise... So why are we jumping through hoops for this guy?
Darkus - You hear about the bomb they found in Tony's car?
Mr Snuggly - Yeah...
Darkus - This guy put it there, says there'll be more if we don't co-operate
Mr Snuggly - That lying son of a- He's taking credit for MY work!
Darkus - Excuse me?
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... nothing... So, are we ready?
Darkus - Yep, here you go
*Darkus puts a piece of paper on Snuggly's back saying "Kick Me" and Snuggly gets out of the van*
Mr Snuggly - So where are you gonna be?
Darkus - McDonalds, getting breakfast
Mr Snuggly - What?! You're leaving me here with this on my back?!
Darkus - I'll be back in five minutes
Mr Snuggly - That's OK, I expect to be bruised in four
*Darkus gets behind the wheel and drives off*
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it...?
*Scene 3*
*monkey_man is in a phone box*
monkey_man - Hello? Is this Mystique's Call Girls? Yeah, I sort of told my parents I'm married to Jennifer Lopez, and they want to meet her... so, can you like, see if she's available? Yes, I'll hold
*He looks across the street, sees something, and runs off, leaving the phone hanging*
Mystique - OK, we just checked with Affleck, and he'll lend you Jennifer for the weekend... hello? Hello? Typical!
*monkey_man runs up to Snuggly, who is getting the holy heck kicked out of him by a bunch of school kids*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, quit it! Why you little-!
monkey_man - Look out, here comes Ms Butch!
*The kids look at each other in terror, and leg it*
monkey_man - You alright, Snuggly?
Mr Snuggly - Just hook me up to some morphine...
monkey_man - What are you doing out here?
Mr Snuggly - Some guy is planting bombs around the city, and re-tuning people's radios to ClassicFM
monkey_man - The fiend! Come on, I'd better get you back to SR towers... you've lost a lot of blood
*Scene 4*
*Snuggly is being patched up by schroeder*
schroeder - If it's not some spotty little kid's lost order, it's sewing up Snuggly's buttocks...
*The phone rings, everybody grabs one*
Tony - Hello? No, sorry, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls, you have the wrong number...
Darkus - Who was that?
Tony - Stryke... again. For someone with an IQ as high as his, you think he'd have worked out how to operate a phone by now
*The phone rings again, everyone answers*
Simon - Don't talk, just listen... is this Mystique's Call Girls?
Tony - No, this is Special Reserve
Simon - Ah well, you were second on my list... OK, here's the beef, I have planted bombs all over the city, and I want Mr Snuggly and his hero to go after them all
Mr Snuggly - Mr T?
Simon - No, fool! I mean monkey_man, who rescued you. Snuggly and the hero will do as I say. If I say jump, you say...
Mr Snuggly - Why?
Simon - Grr! Just get to the train station and await my call! I have planted a bomb on a train heading for the station as we speak. I retuned their radio to ClassicFM so it's pointless to try and warn them. You must be there within 10 minutes, if not, I will detonate the bomb. But you HAVE to walk there. Remember, we're watching you... Ha ha, my voice sounded cool just then
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - You'd better get going, the train station is 10 minutes walk away... and pick me up a Happy Meal on the way there
*Scene 5*
*Mr Snuggly and monkey_man are running through the streets*
Mr Snuggly - (out of breath) How... how far have we gone?
monkey_man - We... we just left SR towers
Mr Snuggly - Screw this... we'll get a car
*They stop*
monkey_man - How?
Mr Snuggly - Hey, I've played GTA, I know what I'm doing
monkey_man - But he said they're watching us
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, right. How?
monkey_man - Well, there's that guy staring at us, talking into a walky-talky
Mr Snuggly - Typical... come on
*They start running again. Eventually they reach the train station*
Mr Snuggly - OK, I'm going to drop down onto the train and try and disarm the bomb... you wait here, keep an eye out for that guy who gives out fliers for 10% off car repair at Kwik Fit, I need a new exhaust
monkey_man - You didn't crash it in a car park again, did you?
Mr Snuggly - No... I swear! Anyway, gotta go diffuse that bomb
monkey_man - But you don't know anything about bombs!
Mr Snuggly - Hey, my parents got me a Mechano set when I was five, how hard can it be?
*Snuggly pulls open a grate, sees the train going underneath him, and drops down*
Mr Snuggly - Hope this is the right train!
*monkey_man shakes his head and starts running again*
monkey_man - As if the train we needed would be going underneath us as we spoke... who's writing this crap?
*Scene 6*
*Mr Snuggly is running down the train, flashing his staff ID tag at people*
Mr Snuggly - Excuse me, excuse me, official SR business, please step aside
*He bumps into a policeman*
Mr Snuggly - Oi, move it, don't you know who I am?
Policeman - You're the guy who stopped those terrorists at SR towers and Heathrow Airport...
*He punches him*
Policeman - That's for doing our job, and making us look bad!
*Holding his nose, Snuggly continues down the train*
Mr Snuggly - (high pitched voice) Move it, move it, don't you know there's a bomb about to go off?
*He sees a box on the wall which says "This Is A Bomb. Tamper At Own Risk"*
Mr Snuggly - Aha! This could be it! Hmm, I seem to have left my trusty screwdriver at home, stuck in my broken toaster... guess I can't diffuse it
*He pulls it down and starts running towards the back of the train*
*Scene 7*
*monkey_man is in the underground station, and a phone starts ringing. He answers*
monkey_man - Before you ask, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls
Simon - Oh... ah well. Where is Mr Snuggly?
monkey_man - He's... he's on his way. He's not as fit as he used to be, you know? Too much monkey related gaming
Simon - The deal was that BOTH of you get there. Say goodbye!
*The train approaches the station, monkey_man dives to the ground. Snuggly is onboard, trying to fit the bomb through the window*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid child safety windows!
*He headbutts the glass and it smashes. He throws the bomb out of the train*
Mr Snuggly - Yes! I did it, I.... urgh, that hurt
*He collapses on the floor. The bomb explodes, sending a huge fireball through the tunnel. The train derails just as it reaches the station, and starts running along the platform. The commuters try to run away from it, and monkey_man hides behind a fat guy. Eventually the train grinds to a halt, putting a cloud of dust in the air. Mr Snuggly crawls out of the wreck, pulls out some paper and a pen and starts scribbling something*
monkey_man - What's that?
Mr Snuggly - (writing) My list of things I've survived. Losing my TV remote... that poisoned KFC meal... and now a train crash... Too bad you weren't filming it, we could've sent it in to You've Been Framed
monkey_man - I told you you should've come with me! He wouldn't have blown it up if we'd both answered the phone!
Mr Snuggly - No... he was gonna blow it anyway. What were the chances that we'd make it here on time?
monkey_man - If we hadn't stopped for that pint, pretty good actually
*Scene 8*
*Back at SR towers*
Tony - Snuggly, you muppet! That train station is coming out of YOUR salary
Mr Snuggly - OK, just give me a bonus of about fifty grand then
*The phone rings, everyone answers*
Tony - Yellow?
Simon - That's no way to answer the phone. Now, listen carefully. I have planted a bomb inside a school, somewhere in the city. You can check the schools, but you cannot evacuate them. Snuggly and the hero may not help, as they will be kept busy with my amazingly fiendish tasks. Simon says Snuggly and the hero must go to the King's Head pub, three miles away from SR towers, and await my instructions. Any attempt to evacuate the schools, and I blow the school. Any attempt to stop selling DVDs, and I blow the school
Darkus - Um... we already stopped selling DV-
Tony - Quiet, foo'! Yes, Simon, we understand... we shall do as you say
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - Get all the staff members you can find, we need to check these schools
loki - Maybe we should get the police?
Tony - Maybe you should shut up
loki - Sorry...
Tony - Now we don't have much time, so get going. Draft in everyone who did their work experience at SR if need be, but find that bomb! We can't have half our customers getting blown up!
Hybrid Valves - Actually, latest figures show the average gamer is aged between-
Tony - Hybrid... nobody cares. Now get going! Snuggly, monkey_man, get to that pub on the double!
Mr Snuggly - Can we take one of your cars?
Tony - No! I need them all for pulling birds!
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly and monkey_man timidly walk into the pub*
monkey_man - OK, so what now?
Mr Snuggly - I guess we wait for a phone call... and get hammered while we're at it
monkey_man - I hear that!
*They go to the bar*
monkey_man - Hey... do you notice anything strange about this place?
*Snuggly looks around. The pub is totally full of big, butch men*
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, where are all the fine ladies?
monkey_man - Yeah, and how come everyone's so big and hairy?
Mr Snuggly - My God! He's sent us to a gay bar!
monkey_man - Aaarrrrgh! That guy is looking at me!
Mr Snuggly - Aaarrrrgh! That guy brushed past me and touched my butt!
*They dash for the exit, running past everyone till they're outside*
Announcer - And now, for your enjoyment, courtesy of Mystique's Call Girls - the strippers!
*Beautiful, exotic ladies come out of the toilets and get naked*
Bloke 1 - Why are they in such a hurry to leave?
Bloke 2 - Must be a couple of poufs
*Scene 10*
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. are in a school yard*
Brad - Right, get looking, lads
BEARDS. - It's nothing like Grange Hill... where's the smoker's corner?
*Some students come up*
Darkus - AfroJoe? What are you doing here? You live in Scotland, don't you?
AfroJoe - Student exchange. And that's SIR AfroJoe to you, I was knighted you know
RM18 - Ahem... you were elected as a notable, not knighted
AfroJoe - What, you mean it's not the same thing?
El Blokey - Not even slightly
AfroJoe - Then how come Mick Jagger is urine coloured?
RM18 - He's just getting old, bladder ain't what it was
AfroJoe - Grr! No wonder the queen wasn't returning my calls! I thought she was just too busy getting poled by Goatboy! And I spent all that money on a pee coloured suit of armour!
Darkus - Riiiight... anyway, you lot haven't happened to see a bomb anywhere, have you?
Rakuga - Yeah, there's one over there, J Savo's been throwing stones and kicking it
Brad - Argh!
*They lead them over to the bomb, which is planted on the bike shed. J Savo is trying to unscrew it*
BEARDS. - Savo! Stop that!
Stryke - Sssh, I've almost got it. I have a 50p bet that it won't blow me up if I open it
*They drag him away. Brad sits down next to it*
Darkus - Do we evacuate the school?
Brad - We can't, Simon says he's watching us. I hope he isn't, my hair's a right mess...
*Scene 11*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are walking down a street, away from the pub*
monkey_man - So... we missed the phone call... think Simon'll do anything? He said we'd pay the consequences if we didn't do as he said
Mr Snuggly - Naaa, I think he's full of hot air, like that Mr. Sunggly bloke who tried to imitate my genius. Nothing will happen
*The pub behind them explodes. They turn around and look at the blazing inferno*
monkey_man - That was your fault, that was
Mr Snuggly - Well it ain't coming out of MY salary! You know, something's been bugging me...
monkey_man - Itchy underwear?
Mr Snuggly - No. I've been thinking. All the SR staff are searching the schools, leaving their posts to try and find the bomb, right? Well what does Broomfield Road not have? Schools. What does it have? SR shop... I think the school thing is just to tie up the staff so they can steal all the games and DVDs from the shops!
monkey_man - Wow, you thought of all that yourself? Here, have a cookie. Wait, there's no schools on Broomfield Road?
Mr Snuggly - No, the council refuses to build any nearby because of Hybrid's problem
monkey_man - You don't mean he... you know...
Mr Snuggly - Yes, I'm afraid so. He keeps nicking their dinner money
monkey_man - (disappointed) Oh... Ah well, there goes my big scoop. So what do we do about it?
Mr Snuggly - We get back to the deserted shop and stop Simon. And we nick those kid's dinner money...
*Scene 12*
*monkey_man and Snuggly arrive at the SR shop on two commandeered kid's trikes*
monkey_man - Ow, I keep banging my knees on the handlebars
Mr Snuggly - This is the place, come on
*They get off and both have an acute case of riding a horse syndrome*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid uncomfortable seats
*They walk like crabs towards the shop. Inside, dozens of people are looting the store. Snuggly kicks the door in*
Mr Snuggly - Oops, bet I end up paying for that... Anyway, freeze, dirtbags! This is a citizen's arrest!
*The people look at him, then continue emptying the shelves into black bags*
monkey_man - Do something! Threaten them!
Mr Snuggly - OK, you lot, stop what you're doing or the bunny gets it
monkey_man - (whispering) You don't have a bunny
Mr Snuggly - I know, but watch
*One by one, the people stop what they're doing and turn around*
INKman - Nozorz!!1 Not teh bunnne!
$@NT@ Šm€®ç - Leaf ti alown!11
Mr Snuggly - Oh great... NEWBIES! Not again! Right, you lot, hands up!
*Someone walks in from the store room, his face covered by a pink balaclava*
Simon - You fools, he doesn't even HAVE a rabbit! Shoot him!
monkey_man - Now what?
Mr Snuggly - Duck!
*The newbies start shooting at him. They dive behind an X-Box display, and cower from the onslaught of bullets*
monkey_man - Good job these X-Boxes are built like bricks... so what's the plan?
Mr Snuggly - We'll have to go to plan B
monkey_man - What happened to plan A?
Mr Snuggly - Plan A was wetting our pants. Mission accomplished
monkey_man - Eeewww... So what's plan B?
Mr Snuggly - You run at them, acting as a human shield. When they get bored shooting you to death, I'll whack 'em from behind
monkey_man - So far, I'm liking plan A more than plan B. OK, what about plan C?
Mr Snuggly - Calling the A-team?
monkey_man - Alright, plan D
*monkey_man picks up an X-Box from the display they're hiding behind and hurls it over his shoulder towards the newbies*
coldfusion008 - Ow! Youzorz brokk my toez!!1
*Snuggly and monkey_man start hurling more X-Boxes at the newbies*
Mr Snuggly - Bill Gates would be proud that finally, somebody found a use for his console
monkey_man - Newbie bashing! If only Stryke were alive to see this...
*Eventually, the newbies are in X-Box induced comas. Snuggly gets up to survey the damage. Simon is the only one left*
Simon - You'll pay for this!
*He runs out the back door. They hear a car starting. It speeds off down the alley, onto the main road. Snuggly and monkey_man run out the shop and stop a passing car*
monkey_man - Follow that pink balaclava wearing muppet!
WookieMonster - Do you mind? I'm trying to cruise the streets, looking hard
Mr Snuggly - Just drive, before I revoke your SR membership!
*WookieMonster puts his foot down and they speed off*
Mr Snuggly - What's that?
monkey_man - Oh, I swiped a game from SR. I figure if all those have been stolen, one more won't hurt
Mr Snuggly - You know if you want free games, all you have to do is slip me a fiver
*They catch up with Simon's car*
Mr Snuggly - Get in closer, closer! Speed up, he's getting away again!
WookieMonster - Hey, I'd like to see YOU drive a mini at these speeds!
*Snuggly climbs out of the window, and holds onto the door from outside*
monkey_man - What are you doing?!
Mr Snuggly - It's OK, I have life insurance!
monkey_man - It ran out today!
Mr Snuggly - Argh, let me back in!
*Simon smashes his car into Wookie's mini. Snuggly falls onto Simon's roof*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off! I don't have coverage!
Simon - Too late for that!
*Simon speeds away from Wookie and monkey_man*
Mr Snuggly - (shouting) Call Batman, he'll know what to do!
*Wookie can't keep up, and slows to a stop*
WookieMonster - Now what?
monkey_man - I could do with a KFC, how about you?
*Scene 13*
*Simon's car, with Snuggly still clutching to the roof, drives into a dock*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off!
Simon - If you don't shut up, I'm turning this car around, I swear!
*He parks next to a big boat. Snuggly gets off and dusts himself off*
Mr Snuggly - How much do I owe you?
*Simon pulls a gun*
Simon - Get into the ship
Mr Snuggly - Hey, hey, hey! I was gonna tip you, I swear!
*Simon leads Snuggly up the ramp and onto the boat. WookieMonster pulls up a few minutes later. monkey_man gets out, finishing his family sized KFC bucket*
monkey_man - I said McDonald's, not the docks!
WookieMonster - Look, you need to save Snuggly, get on with it!
monkey_man - Alright, alright. Pass me my Pepsi
*monkey_man sneaks inside, Wookie drives off*
monkey_man - Oh man! I left that game in WookieMonster's back seat! He has enough GADs!
*Somebody Else comes up behind monkey_man*
Somebody Else - Stop right there. This banana is loaded
monkey_man - Argh! Don't shoot!
*Scene 14*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are tied up in the engine room, surrounded by explosives and black bags*
Simon - As you can see, you are surrounded by bombs, as well as all the stolen games from the Special Reserve shop
monkey_man - You're blowing them all up? What a waste! I could have them!
Mr Snuggly - You'll never get away with this!
Simon - Why not? You'll be dead, the games will be vaporised, my newbie army are too low on IQ figures to tell anyone, I've been wearing this manly balaclava the entire time, and unless that reporter who keeps following me around, writing everything I say tells anyone, then I'm in the clear.
Mr Snuggly - Manly balaclava? Looks like your mum knitted it... for your sister
*Simon adjusts his pink balaclava*
Simon - Shut it! This thing keeps me warm when the generator at school breaks down!
Mr Snuggly - I just need to know... can I go to the toilet?
Simon - No
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty then... hang on, I had another question... Oh yes, I remember. Who are you and why are you doing this?
Simon - You mean you haven't figured it out? I left all those clues at the King's Head pub
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, about that... you see, it was all monkey_man's fault, he made us late so the bomb went off before we got to answer the phone
Simon - Those poor strippers.... barbequed... Anyway, since you're about to die, and since I've obviously already got away with my plan, then I can let you know
*Simon removes his balaclava*
Mr Snuggly - Stryke!
er-no - Er... no. It is I, er-no!
Mr Snuggly - Lord H?
er-no - No! I'm er-no!
Mr Snuggly - But why?
er-no - Tony has had his iron fist around the gaming market for too long. Honest shops like GAME cannot hope to compete with SR's crazily low prices!
Mr Snuggly - Honest shop? They charge up to £50!
er-no - They are forced into that by SR! If I destroy all of SR's merchandise, I can rid the world of them and their meddling boss! My manager at GAME is sure to give me a raise!
Mr Snuggly - But all those posts on the forums! You seemed so happy! Well, there's only one thing left to do... can you please not kill me?
monkey_man - And me!
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, and him... I guess
er-no - I'm not a newbie, Snuggly, those tricks won't work on me! Now, I must go and blow up the rest of the SR shops around the south of England!
Mr Snuggly - There is no bomb in the school, is there... it was all a trick
er-no - Oh there's a bomb, alright. At my old school. Hated that place. Now I must laugh manically and leave you to get separated from the rest of you. Toodles!
*er-no and his newbie cronies leave*
monkey_man - What now?
Mr Snuggly - We escape, what else?
*They escape, and run from the ship*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid newb obviously didn't pay attention in the scouts... he didn't bother tying the ropes
*They watch from the docks as the ship explodes, then slowly sinks to the bottom*
monkey_man - What a waste of all those games
Mr Snuggly - Rest assured, there were no games on that ship. I know er-what's his name too well. He's keeping them
monkey_man - Where do you think he's gone?
Mr Snuggly - He's right there
*Snuggly points to er-no, who is getting into his car*
monkey_man - Get him!
*They rush at er-no, who sees them*
er-no - Argh! Foiled by my own newbie's stupidity!
*He pulls a gun and starts shooting at them. They dive for cover*
monkey_man - Do something!
Mr Snuggly - What?
monkey_man - Anything!
Mr Snuggly - Alright
*He pulls out a GBA and starts playing Turok Evolution*
monkey_man - Something productive!
Mr Snuggly - But I'm on level three! Oh, alright. See any X-Boxes we can hurl at him?
monkey_man - Don't you have a gun?
Mr Snuggly - Do I look American?
Drunk Cow - You called?
*Drunk Cow walks up and hands Snuggly a gun*
Drunk Cow - This little beut got my uncle life in prison, look after it
*Snuggly starts shooting over the wall he's hiding behind. er-no takes cover*
monkey_man - Shoot him!
Mr Snuggly - Really? I was thinking about shooting those ducks above him... of course I'm trying to shoot him!
*Snuggly fires again, hitting a duck which falls from the sky and lands smack bang on er-no's bonce*
er-no - (groggily) No, mummy, I don't want to go to school...
*He drops to the floor. Snuggly and monkey_man run up. Tony and the staff arrive*
Tony - We heard Simon announcing he was going to blow up all the stolen games, we got here as fast as we could!
Mr Snuggly - (smug mode) Yeah... I stopped him
*monkey_man elbows him in the ribs*
Mr Snuggly - I mean, um... I stopped him, with no help from monkey_man
Tony - So it was er-no, eh? Where are the games?
*Snuggly opens the car boot. All the games are packed inside*
Mr Snuggly - What about the bomb at the school? You guys diffuse it?
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. look at each other*
Brad - Oops
*In the distance they hear a large explosion. A cloud of smoke fills the sky*
Mr Snuggly - Ah well, can't win 'em all. Yay, I saved the day AGAIN! And without having to crawl through any dirty air vents!
Tony - Snuggly, the rats have clogged the air conditioning at SR towers again, get up in those vents with a broom and clear them out. Watch out, though, they carry the plague
Mr Snuggly - Typical
*THE END*
*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is sat at his desk. schroeder comes in*
schroeder - What was that? Did you just fall off your chair?
Tony - No, but thanks for asking. Now that you're here, can you do me a favour?
schroeder - Sure, boss
Tony - Get out
schroeder - Oh, yeah, you got it, boss
Tony - Thanks
*She leaves. Tony's phone rings*
Tony - Special Reserve, secret front for the Chinese mafia, Tony speaking... Excuse me? Who is this? Simon? Stupid name... What? ... Snuggly? No, he's on suspension... we caught him trying to rig the Christmas raffle... what? Are you serious? Oh my God!
*Tony falls off his chair in surprise*
Tony - Argh! Help, schroeder! Man down! Man down!
*Scene 2*
*Mr Snuggly is sat in the back of a van with Darkus*
Mr Snuggly - So why does it have to be me?
Darkus - Tony doesn't know, the guy on the phone just said it has to be you, and that his name was Simon, that's all.
Mr Snuggly - Nice plot devise... So why are we jumping through hoops for this guy?
Darkus - You hear about the bomb they found in Tony's car?
Mr Snuggly - Yeah...
Darkus - This guy put it there, says there'll be more if we don't co-operate
Mr Snuggly - That lying son of a- He's taking credit for MY work!
Darkus - Excuse me?
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... nothing... So, are we ready?
Darkus - Yep, here you go
*Darkus puts a piece of paper on Snuggly's back saying "Kick Me" and Snuggly gets out of the van*
Mr Snuggly - So where are you gonna be?
Darkus - McDonalds, getting breakfast
Mr Snuggly - What?! You're leaving me here with this on my back?!
Darkus - I'll be back in five minutes
Mr Snuggly - That's OK, I expect to be bruised in four
*Darkus gets behind the wheel and drives off*
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it...?
*Scene 3*
*monkey_man is in a phone box*
monkey_man - Hello? Is this Mystique's Call Girls? Yeah, I sort of told my parents I'm married to Jennifer Lopez, and they want to meet her... so, can you like, see if she's available? Yes, I'll hold
*He looks across the street, sees something, and runs off, leaving the phone hanging*
Mystique - OK, we just checked with Affleck, and he'll lend you Jennifer for the weekend... hello? Hello? Typical!
*monkey_man runs up to Snuggly, who is getting the holy heck kicked out of him by a bunch of school kids*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, quit it! Why you little-!
monkey_man - Look out, here comes Ms Butch!
*The kids look at each other in terror, and leg it*
monkey_man - You alright, Snuggly?
Mr Snuggly - Just hook me up to some morphine...
monkey_man - What are you doing out here?
Mr Snuggly - Some guy is planting bombs around the city, and re-tuning people's radios to ClassicFM
monkey_man - The fiend! Come on, I'd better get you back to SR towers... you've lost a lot of blood
*Scene 4*
*Snuggly is being patched up by schroeder*
schroeder - If it's not some spotty little kid's lost order, it's sewing up Snuggly's buttocks...
*The phone rings, everybody grabs one*
Tony - Hello? No, sorry, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls, you have the wrong number...
Darkus - Who was that?
Tony - Stryke... again. For someone with an IQ as high as his, you think he'd have worked out how to operate a phone by now
*The phone rings again, everyone answers*
Simon - Don't talk, just listen... is this Mystique's Call Girls?
Tony - No, this is Special Reserve
Simon - Ah well, you were second on my list... OK, here's the beef, I have planted bombs all over the city, and I want Mr Snuggly and his hero to go after them all
Mr Snuggly - Mr T?
Simon - No, fool! I mean monkey_man, who rescued you. Snuggly and the hero will do as I say. If I say jump, you say...
Mr Snuggly - Why?
Simon - Grr! Just get to the train station and await my call! I have planted a bomb on a train heading for the station as we speak. I retuned their radio to ClassicFM so it's pointless to try and warn them. You must be there within 10 minutes, if not, I will detonate the bomb. But you HAVE to walk there. Remember, we're watching you... Ha ha, my voice sounded cool just then
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - You'd better get going, the train station is 10 minutes walk away... and pick me up a Happy Meal on the way there
*Scene 5*
*Mr Snuggly and monkey_man are running through the streets*
Mr Snuggly - (out of breath) How... how far have we gone?
monkey_man - We... we just left SR towers
Mr Snuggly - Screw this... we'll get a car
*They stop*
monkey_man - How?
Mr Snuggly - Hey, I've played GTA, I know what I'm doing
monkey_man - But he said they're watching us
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, right. How?
monkey_man - Well, there's that guy staring at us, talking into a walky-talky
Mr Snuggly - Typical... come on
*They start running again. Eventually they reach the train station*
Mr Snuggly - OK, I'm going to drop down onto the train and try and disarm the bomb... you wait here, keep an eye out for that guy who gives out fliers for 10% off car repair at Kwik Fit, I need a new exhaust
monkey_man - You didn't crash it in a car park again, did you?
Mr Snuggly - No... I swear! Anyway, gotta go diffuse that bomb
monkey_man - But you don't know anything about bombs!
Mr Snuggly - Hey, my parents got me a Mechano set when I was five, how hard can it be?
*Snuggly pulls open a grate, sees the train going underneath him, and drops down*
Mr Snuggly - Hope this is the right train!
*monkey_man shakes his head and starts running again*
monkey_man - As if the train we needed would be going underneath us as we spoke... who's writing this crap?
*Scene 6*
*Mr Snuggly is running down the train, flashing his staff ID tag at people*
Mr Snuggly - Excuse me, excuse me, official SR business, please step aside
*He bumps into a policeman*
Mr Snuggly - Oi, move it, don't you know who I am?
Policeman - You're the guy who stopped those terrorists at SR towers and Heathrow Airport...
*He punches him*
Policeman - That's for doing our job, and making us look bad!
*Holding his nose, Snuggly continues down the train*
Mr Snuggly - (high pitched voice) Move it, move it, don't you know there's a bomb about to go off?
*He sees a box on the wall which says "This Is A Bomb. Tamper At Own Risk"*
Mr Snuggly - Aha! This could be it! Hmm, I seem to have left my trusty screwdriver at home, stuck in my broken toaster... guess I can't diffuse it
*He pulls it down and starts running towards the back of the train*
*Scene 7*
*monkey_man is in the underground station, and a phone starts ringing. He answers*
monkey_man - Before you ask, this isn't Mystique's Call Girls
Simon - Oh... ah well. Where is Mr Snuggly?
monkey_man - He's... he's on his way. He's not as fit as he used to be, you know? Too much monkey related gaming
Simon - The deal was that BOTH of you get there. Say goodbye!
*The train approaches the station, monkey_man dives to the ground. Snuggly is onboard, trying to fit the bomb through the window*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid child safety windows!
*He headbutts the glass and it smashes. He throws the bomb out of the train*
Mr Snuggly - Yes! I did it, I.... urgh, that hurt
*He collapses on the floor. The bomb explodes, sending a huge fireball through the tunnel. The train derails just as it reaches the station, and starts running along the platform. The commuters try to run away from it, and monkey_man hides behind a fat guy. Eventually the train grinds to a halt, putting a cloud of dust in the air. Mr Snuggly crawls out of the wreck, pulls out some paper and a pen and starts scribbling something*
monkey_man - What's that?
Mr Snuggly - (writing) My list of things I've survived. Losing my TV remote... that poisoned KFC meal... and now a train crash... Too bad you weren't filming it, we could've sent it in to You've Been Framed
monkey_man - I told you you should've come with me! He wouldn't have blown it up if we'd both answered the phone!
Mr Snuggly - No... he was gonna blow it anyway. What were the chances that we'd make it here on time?
monkey_man - If we hadn't stopped for that pint, pretty good actually
*Scene 8*
*Back at SR towers*
Tony - Snuggly, you muppet! That train station is coming out of YOUR salary
Mr Snuggly - OK, just give me a bonus of about fifty grand then
*The phone rings, everyone answers*
Tony - Yellow?
Simon - That's no way to answer the phone. Now, listen carefully. I have planted a bomb inside a school, somewhere in the city. You can check the schools, but you cannot evacuate them. Snuggly and the hero may not help, as they will be kept busy with my amazingly fiendish tasks. Simon says Snuggly and the hero must go to the King's Head pub, three miles away from SR towers, and await my instructions. Any attempt to evacuate the schools, and I blow the school. Any attempt to stop selling DVDs, and I blow the school
Darkus - Um... we already stopped selling DV-
Tony - Quiet, foo'! Yes, Simon, we understand... we shall do as you say
*Simon hangs up*
Tony - Get all the staff members you can find, we need to check these schools
loki - Maybe we should get the police?
Tony - Maybe you should shut up
loki - Sorry...
Tony - Now we don't have much time, so get going. Draft in everyone who did their work experience at SR if need be, but find that bomb! We can't have half our customers getting blown up!
Hybrid Valves - Actually, latest figures show the average gamer is aged between-
Tony - Hybrid... nobody cares. Now get going! Snuggly, monkey_man, get to that pub on the double!
Mr Snuggly - Can we take one of your cars?
Tony - No! I need them all for pulling birds!
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly and monkey_man timidly walk into the pub*
monkey_man - OK, so what now?
Mr Snuggly - I guess we wait for a phone call... and get hammered while we're at it
monkey_man - I hear that!
*They go to the bar*
monkey_man - Hey... do you notice anything strange about this place?
*Snuggly looks around. The pub is totally full of big, butch men*
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, where are all the fine ladies?
monkey_man - Yeah, and how come everyone's so big and hairy?
Mr Snuggly - My God! He's sent us to a gay bar!
monkey_man - Aaarrrrgh! That guy is looking at me!
Mr Snuggly - Aaarrrrgh! That guy brushed past me and touched my butt!
*They dash for the exit, running past everyone till they're outside*
Announcer - And now, for your enjoyment, courtesy of Mystique's Call Girls - the strippers!
*Beautiful, exotic ladies come out of the toilets and get naked*
Bloke 1 - Why are they in such a hurry to leave?
Bloke 2 - Must be a couple of poufs
*Scene 10*
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. are in a school yard*
Brad - Right, get looking, lads
BEARDS. - It's nothing like Grange Hill... where's the smoker's corner?
*Some students come up*
Darkus - AfroJoe? What are you doing here? You live in Scotland, don't you?
AfroJoe - Student exchange. And that's SIR AfroJoe to you, I was knighted you know
RM18 - Ahem... you were elected as a notable, not knighted
AfroJoe - What, you mean it's not the same thing?
El Blokey - Not even slightly
AfroJoe - Then how come Mick Jagger is urine coloured?
RM18 - He's just getting old, bladder ain't what it was
AfroJoe - Grr! No wonder the queen wasn't returning my calls! I thought she was just too busy getting poled by Goatboy! And I spent all that money on a pee coloured suit of armour!
Darkus - Riiiight... anyway, you lot haven't happened to see a bomb anywhere, have you?
Rakuga - Yeah, there's one over there, J Savo's been throwing stones and kicking it
Brad - Argh!
*They lead them over to the bomb, which is planted on the bike shed. J Savo is trying to unscrew it*
BEARDS. - Savo! Stop that!
Stryke - Sssh, I've almost got it. I have a 50p bet that it won't blow me up if I open it
*They drag him away. Brad sits down next to it*
Darkus - Do we evacuate the school?
Brad - We can't, Simon says he's watching us. I hope he isn't, my hair's a right mess...
*Scene 11*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are walking down a street, away from the pub*
monkey_man - So... we missed the phone call... think Simon'll do anything? He said we'd pay the consequences if we didn't do as he said
Mr Snuggly - Naaa, I think he's full of hot air, like that Mr. Sunggly bloke who tried to imitate my genius. Nothing will happen
*The pub behind them explodes. They turn around and look at the blazing inferno*
monkey_man - That was your fault, that was
Mr Snuggly - Well it ain't coming out of MY salary! You know, something's been bugging me...
monkey_man - Itchy underwear?
Mr Snuggly - No. I've been thinking. All the SR staff are searching the schools, leaving their posts to try and find the bomb, right? Well what does Broomfield Road not have? Schools. What does it have? SR shop... I think the school thing is just to tie up the staff so they can steal all the games and DVDs from the shops!
monkey_man - Wow, you thought of all that yourself? Here, have a cookie. Wait, there's no schools on Broomfield Road?
Mr Snuggly - No, the council refuses to build any nearby because of Hybrid's problem
monkey_man - You don't mean he... you know...
Mr Snuggly - Yes, I'm afraid so. He keeps nicking their dinner money
monkey_man - (disappointed) Oh... Ah well, there goes my big scoop. So what do we do about it?
Mr Snuggly - We get back to the deserted shop and stop Simon. And we nick those kid's dinner money...
*Scene 12*
*monkey_man and Snuggly arrive at the SR shop on two commandeered kid's trikes*
monkey_man - Ow, I keep banging my knees on the handlebars
Mr Snuggly - This is the place, come on
*They get off and both have an acute case of riding a horse syndrome*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid uncomfortable seats
*They walk like crabs towards the shop. Inside, dozens of people are looting the store. Snuggly kicks the door in*
Mr Snuggly - Oops, bet I end up paying for that... Anyway, freeze, dirtbags! This is a citizen's arrest!
*The people look at him, then continue emptying the shelves into black bags*
monkey_man - Do something! Threaten them!
Mr Snuggly - OK, you lot, stop what you're doing or the bunny gets it
monkey_man - (whispering) You don't have a bunny
Mr Snuggly - I know, but watch
*One by one, the people stop what they're doing and turn around*
INKman - Nozorz!!1 Not teh bunnne!
$@NT@ Šm€®ç - Leaf ti alown!11
Mr Snuggly - Oh great... NEWBIES! Not again! Right, you lot, hands up!
*Someone walks in from the store room, his face covered by a pink balaclava*
Simon - You fools, he doesn't even HAVE a rabbit! Shoot him!
monkey_man - Now what?
Mr Snuggly - Duck!
*The newbies start shooting at him. They dive behind an X-Box display, and cower from the onslaught of bullets*
monkey_man - Good job these X-Boxes are built like bricks... so what's the plan?
Mr Snuggly - We'll have to go to plan B
monkey_man - What happened to plan A?
Mr Snuggly - Plan A was wetting our pants. Mission accomplished
monkey_man - Eeewww... So what's plan B?
Mr Snuggly - You run at them, acting as a human shield. When they get bored shooting you to death, I'll whack 'em from behind
monkey_man - So far, I'm liking plan A more than plan B. OK, what about plan C?
Mr Snuggly - Calling the A-team?
monkey_man - Alright, plan D
*monkey_man picks up an X-Box from the display they're hiding behind and hurls it over his shoulder towards the newbies*
coldfusion008 - Ow! Youzorz brokk my toez!!1
*Snuggly and monkey_man start hurling more X-Boxes at the newbies*
Mr Snuggly - Bill Gates would be proud that finally, somebody found a use for his console
monkey_man - Newbie bashing! If only Stryke were alive to see this...
*Eventually, the newbies are in X-Box induced comas. Snuggly gets up to survey the damage. Simon is the only one left*
Simon - You'll pay for this!
*He runs out the back door. They hear a car starting. It speeds off down the alley, onto the main road. Snuggly and monkey_man run out the shop and stop a passing car*
monkey_man - Follow that pink balaclava wearing muppet!
WookieMonster - Do you mind? I'm trying to cruise the streets, looking hard
Mr Snuggly - Just drive, before I revoke your SR membership!
*WookieMonster puts his foot down and they speed off*
Mr Snuggly - What's that?
monkey_man - Oh, I swiped a game from SR. I figure if all those have been stolen, one more won't hurt
Mr Snuggly - You know if you want free games, all you have to do is slip me a fiver
*They catch up with Simon's car*
Mr Snuggly - Get in closer, closer! Speed up, he's getting away again!
WookieMonster - Hey, I'd like to see YOU drive a mini at these speeds!
*Snuggly climbs out of the window, and holds onto the door from outside*
monkey_man - What are you doing?!
Mr Snuggly - It's OK, I have life insurance!
monkey_man - It ran out today!
Mr Snuggly - Argh, let me back in!
*Simon smashes his car into Wookie's mini. Snuggly falls onto Simon's roof*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off! I don't have coverage!
Simon - Too late for that!
*Simon speeds away from Wookie and monkey_man*
Mr Snuggly - (shouting) Call Batman, he'll know what to do!
*Wookie can't keep up, and slows to a stop*
WookieMonster - Now what?
monkey_man - I could do with a KFC, how about you?
*Scene 13*
*Simon's car, with Snuggly still clutching to the roof, drives into a dock*
Mr Snuggly - Let me off!
Simon - If you don't shut up, I'm turning this car around, I swear!
*He parks next to a big boat. Snuggly gets off and dusts himself off*
Mr Snuggly - How much do I owe you?
*Simon pulls a gun*
Simon - Get into the ship
Mr Snuggly - Hey, hey, hey! I was gonna tip you, I swear!
*Simon leads Snuggly up the ramp and onto the boat. WookieMonster pulls up a few minutes later. monkey_man gets out, finishing his family sized KFC bucket*
monkey_man - I said McDonald's, not the docks!
WookieMonster - Look, you need to save Snuggly, get on with it!
monkey_man - Alright, alright. Pass me my Pepsi
*monkey_man sneaks inside, Wookie drives off*
monkey_man - Oh man! I left that game in WookieMonster's back seat! He has enough GADs!
*Somebody Else comes up behind monkey_man*
Somebody Else - Stop right there. This banana is loaded
monkey_man - Argh! Don't shoot!
*Scene 14*
*Snuggly and monkey_man are tied up in the engine room, surrounded by explosives and black bags*
Simon - As you can see, you are surrounded by bombs, as well as all the stolen games from the Special Reserve shop
monkey_man - You're blowing them all up? What a waste! I could have them!
Mr Snuggly - You'll never get away with this!
Simon - Why not? You'll be dead, the games will be vaporised, my newbie army are too low on IQ figures to tell anyone, I've been wearing this manly balaclava the entire time, and unless that reporter who keeps following me around, writing everything I say tells anyone, then I'm in the clear.
Mr Snuggly - Manly balaclava? Looks like your mum knitted it... for your sister
*Simon adjusts his pink balaclava*
Simon - Shut it! This thing keeps me warm when the generator at school breaks down!
Mr Snuggly - I just need to know... can I go to the toilet?
Simon - No
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty then... hang on, I had another question... Oh yes, I remember. Who are you and why are you doing this?
Simon - You mean you haven't figured it out? I left all those clues at the King's Head pub
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, about that... you see, it was all monkey_man's fault, he made us late so the bomb went off before we got to answer the phone
Simon - Those poor strippers.... barbequed... Anyway, since you're about to die, and since I've obviously already got away with my plan, then I can let you know
*Simon removes his balaclava*
Mr Snuggly - Stryke!
er-no - Er... no. It is I, er-no!
Mr Snuggly - Lord H?
er-no - No! I'm er-no!
Mr Snuggly - But why?
er-no - Tony has had his iron fist around the gaming market for too long. Honest shops like GAME cannot hope to compete with SR's crazily low prices!
Mr Snuggly - Honest shop? They charge up to £50!
er-no - They are forced into that by SR! If I destroy all of SR's merchandise, I can rid the world of them and their meddling boss! My manager at GAME is sure to give me a raise!
Mr Snuggly - But all those posts on the forums! You seemed so happy! Well, there's only one thing left to do... can you please not kill me?
monkey_man - And me!
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, and him... I guess
er-no - I'm not a newbie, Snuggly, those tricks won't work on me! Now, I must go and blow up the rest of the SR shops around the south of England!
Mr Snuggly - There is no bomb in the school, is there... it was all a trick
er-no - Oh there's a bomb, alright. At my old school. Hated that place. Now I must laugh manically and leave you to get separated from the rest of you. Toodles!
*er-no and his newbie cronies leave*
monkey_man - What now?
Mr Snuggly - We escape, what else?
*They escape, and run from the ship*
Mr Snuggly - Stupid newb obviously didn't pay attention in the scouts... he didn't bother tying the ropes
*They watch from the docks as the ship explodes, then slowly sinks to the bottom*
monkey_man - What a waste of all those games
Mr Snuggly - Rest assured, there were no games on that ship. I know er-what's his name too well. He's keeping them
monkey_man - Where do you think he's gone?
Mr Snuggly - He's right there
*Snuggly points to er-no, who is getting into his car*
monkey_man - Get him!
*They rush at er-no, who sees them*
er-no - Argh! Foiled by my own newbie's stupidity!
*He pulls a gun and starts shooting at them. They dive for cover*
monkey_man - Do something!
Mr Snuggly - What?
monkey_man - Anything!
Mr Snuggly - Alright
*He pulls out a GBA and starts playing Turok Evolution*
monkey_man - Something productive!
Mr Snuggly - But I'm on level three! Oh, alright. See any X-Boxes we can hurl at him?
monkey_man - Don't you have a gun?
Mr Snuggly - Do I look American?
Drunk Cow - You called?
*Drunk Cow walks up and hands Snuggly a gun*
Drunk Cow - This little beut got my uncle life in prison, look after it
*Snuggly starts shooting over the wall he's hiding behind. er-no takes cover*
monkey_man - Shoot him!
Mr Snuggly - Really? I was thinking about shooting those ducks above him... of course I'm trying to shoot him!
*Snuggly fires again, hitting a duck which falls from the sky and lands smack bang on er-no's bonce*
er-no - (groggily) No, mummy, I don't want to go to school...
*He drops to the floor. Snuggly and monkey_man run up. Tony and the staff arrive*
Tony - We heard Simon announcing he was going to blow up all the stolen games, we got here as fast as we could!
Mr Snuggly - (smug mode) Yeah... I stopped him
*monkey_man elbows him in the ribs*
Mr Snuggly - I mean, um... I stopped him, with no help from monkey_man
Tony - So it was er-no, eh? Where are the games?
*Snuggly opens the car boot. All the games are packed inside*
Mr Snuggly - What about the bomb at the school? You guys diffuse it?
*Brad, Darkus and BEARDS. look at each other*
Brad - Oops
*In the distance they hear a large explosion. A cloud of smoke fills the sky*
Mr Snuggly - Ah well, can't win 'em all. Yay, I saved the day AGAIN! And without having to crawl through any dirty air vents!
Tony - Snuggly, the rats have clogged the air conditioning at SR towers again, get up in those vents with a broom and clear them out. Watch out, though, they carry the plague
Mr Snuggly - Typical
*THE END*