The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
THE ANTI-MUGGER HANDBOOK by Professor Hoodwink Flabbergast.
Muggers are a growing menace on our streets.
Only yesterday, as I strolled through the night streets of Manchester City Centre, was I approached by one of these freeloading villains.
"Give me ya wallet!" he hissed, glaring at me with his squinty eyes.
I mean, the bloody cheek of it! - Needless to say I sent him packing with his tail firmly between his legs.
Many people ask me what they should do if they are threatened by a wannabe mugger?
Well, you could just hand over your money and possessions like a trembling yellow-belly weakling, but that would result in the bad guy coming out tops, and we can't be having that. No sir! Victim status does not sit well with me at all!
Ideally, my advice would be to adopt the Charles "Deathwish" Bronson strategy - i.e. shoot them dead on the spot, but this will ultimately conclude with you serving a long prison sentence. Not good, especially if your cell-mate turns out to be looking for a new missus.
So what other options are there when you find yourself in the greedy sights of a mugger?
Well, I suggest using any of the following 3 anti-mugger survival methods. They work for me, and I'm sure they will work for you.
*
1. THE HUMAN MOUSE-TRAP DECEPTION
Before leaving the safety of your home, place one coiled and "snap-ready" mouse-trap inside each pocket of your jacket.
If you are targeted by a mugger whilst going about your business, simply act petrified, raise your arms in the air and say: "Hey man, don't hurt me, take my wallet, it's in my jacket pocket!"
If all goes to plan, the greedy mugger will be left screaming in agony with his grimy fingers caught in the powerful jaws of one of your mouse-traps, and you'll have plenty of time to make an easy citizen's arrest.
(This tactic is also very useful for seeing-off pickpockets.)
2. THE RAVING MANIAC BAMBOOZLE METHOD
This is my favourite anti-mugger tactic, because it allows me to use my love of language and dancing.
If you are approached by a mugger who demands your money or possessions, simply do the following:
-Step 1: begin a wild dance, akin to that of a demented banshee.
-Step 2: whilst jigging like a bewitched hell-cat, begin to growl and show your teeth like a rabid dog.
-Step 3: continue to perform Steps 1&2, then proceed to yell utter and complete nonsense - something like:
------
Head-butt a mule in a gale!
Trim the beard of a snoozing dwarf!
Push a rogue into a gully!
Poke a fiend in the eye!
Slap a cretin about the chops with a fine leather glove!
Snub an high elf!
Set booby traps for an unwary hog!
Confront a brute and bad-mouth his mam!
------
All this crazed behaviour will totally unnerve the mugger, and 9 times out of 10, he will flee for his life, thinking he has just encountered an escaped lunatic.
3. THE JACK-IN-A-BOX GIVEAWAY GIMMICK
Visit a toy shop and purchase the largest jack-in-a-box you can find. Also buy some boxing gloves. Back at home, fill one of the boxing gloves with cement and let it harden. When it is ready, replace the clown in the jack-in-a-box with the rock hard boxing glove. You now have in your possession a devious anti-mugger time bomb.
Whenever you leave the safety of your home, take the modified jack-in-a-box with you.
If you are attacked by a mugger, simply give him the jack-in-a-box and say in a startled voice: "I have no money on me, this is all I have! Take it, it's yours!"
Because muggers are greedy and shameless weasels, they will open the box immediately, and when they do - WALLOP! - What a nasty surprise.
You will now be able to fog-march the dazed villain into the nearest Police Station.
*
Armed with the knowledge of these 3 anti-mugger survival methods, you need never fear venturing down dark alleyways again.
Best wishes,
Hoodwink Flabbergast.
Muggers are a growing menace on our streets.
Only yesterday, as I strolled through the night streets of Manchester City Centre, was I approached by one of these freeloading villains.
"Give me ya wallet!" he hissed, glaring at me with his squinty eyes.
I mean, the bloody cheek of it! - Needless to say I sent him packing with his tail firmly between his legs.
Many people ask me what they should do if they are threatened by a wannabe mugger?
Well, you could just hand over your money and possessions like a trembling yellow-belly weakling, but that would result in the bad guy coming out tops, and we can't be having that. No sir! Victim status does not sit well with me at all!
Ideally, my advice would be to adopt the Charles "Deathwish" Bronson strategy - i.e. shoot them dead on the spot, but this will ultimately conclude with you serving a long prison sentence. Not good, especially if your cell-mate turns out to be looking for a new missus.
So what other options are there when you find yourself in the greedy sights of a mugger?
Well, I suggest using any of the following 3 anti-mugger survival methods. They work for me, and I'm sure they will work for you.
*
1. THE HUMAN MOUSE-TRAP DECEPTION
Before leaving the safety of your home, place one coiled and "snap-ready" mouse-trap inside each pocket of your jacket.
If you are targeted by a mugger whilst going about your business, simply act petrified, raise your arms in the air and say: "Hey man, don't hurt me, take my wallet, it's in my jacket pocket!"
If all goes to plan, the greedy mugger will be left screaming in agony with his grimy fingers caught in the powerful jaws of one of your mouse-traps, and you'll have plenty of time to make an easy citizen's arrest.
(This tactic is also very useful for seeing-off pickpockets.)
2. THE RAVING MANIAC BAMBOOZLE METHOD
This is my favourite anti-mugger tactic, because it allows me to use my love of language and dancing.
If you are approached by a mugger who demands your money or possessions, simply do the following:
-Step 1: begin a wild dance, akin to that of a demented banshee.
-Step 2: whilst jigging like a bewitched hell-cat, begin to growl and show your teeth like a rabid dog.
-Step 3: continue to perform Steps 1&2, then proceed to yell utter and complete nonsense - something like:
------
Head-butt a mule in a gale!
Trim the beard of a snoozing dwarf!
Push a rogue into a gully!
Poke a fiend in the eye!
Slap a cretin about the chops with a fine leather glove!
Snub an high elf!
Set booby traps for an unwary hog!
Confront a brute and bad-mouth his mam!
------
All this crazed behaviour will totally unnerve the mugger, and 9 times out of 10, he will flee for his life, thinking he has just encountered an escaped lunatic.
3. THE JACK-IN-A-BOX GIVEAWAY GIMMICK
Visit a toy shop and purchase the largest jack-in-a-box you can find. Also buy some boxing gloves. Back at home, fill one of the boxing gloves with cement and let it harden. When it is ready, replace the clown in the jack-in-a-box with the rock hard boxing glove. You now have in your possession a devious anti-mugger time bomb.
Whenever you leave the safety of your home, take the modified jack-in-a-box with you.
If you are attacked by a mugger, simply give him the jack-in-a-box and say in a startled voice: "I have no money on me, this is all I have! Take it, it's yours!"
Because muggers are greedy and shameless weasels, they will open the box immediately, and when they do - WALLOP! - What a nasty surprise.
You will now be able to fog-march the dazed villain into the nearest Police Station.
*
Armed with the knowledge of these 3 anti-mugger survival methods, you need never fear venturing down dark alleyways again.
Best wishes,
Hoodwink Flabbergast.
Page:
THE ANTI-MUGGER HANDBOOK by Professor Hoodwink Flabbergast.
Muggers are a growing menace on our streets.
Only yesterday, as I strolled through the night streets of Manchester City Centre, was I approached by one of these freeloading villains.
"Give me ya wallet!" he hissed, glaring at me with his squinty eyes.
I mean, the bloody cheek of it! - Needless to say I sent him packing with his tail firmly between his legs.
Many people ask me what they should do if they are threatened by a wannabe mugger?
Well, you could just hand over your money and possessions like a trembling yellow-belly weakling, but that would result in the bad guy coming out tops, and we can't be having that. No sir! Victim status does not sit well with me at all!
Ideally, my advice would be to adopt the Charles "Deathwish" Bronson strategy - i.e. shoot them dead on the spot, but this will ultimately conclude with you serving a long prison sentence. Not good, especially if your cell-mate turns out to be looking for a new missus.
So what other options are there when you find yourself in the greedy sights of a mugger?
Well, I suggest using any of the following 3 anti-mugger survival methods. They work for me, and I'm sure they will work for you.
*
1. THE HUMAN MOUSE-TRAP DECEPTION
Before leaving the safety of your home, place one coiled and "snap-ready" mouse-trap inside each pocket of your jacket.
If you are targeted by a mugger whilst going about your business, simply act petrified, raise your arms in the air and say: "Hey man, don't hurt me, take my wallet, it's in my jacket pocket!"
If all goes to plan, the greedy mugger will be left screaming in agony with his grimy fingers caught in the powerful jaws of one of your mouse-traps, and you'll have plenty of time to make an easy citizen's arrest.
(This tactic is also very useful for seeing-off pickpockets.)
2. THE RAVING MANIAC BAMBOOZLE METHOD
This is my favourite anti-mugger tactic, because it allows me to use my love of language and dancing.
If you are approached by a mugger who demands your money or possessions, simply do the following:
-Step 1: begin a wild dance, akin to that of a demented banshee.
-Step 2: whilst jigging like a bewitched hell-cat, begin to growl and show your teeth like a rabid dog.
-Step 3: continue to perform Steps 1&2, then proceed to yell utter and complete nonsense - something like:
------
Head-butt a mule in a gale!
Trim the beard of a snoozing dwarf!
Push a rogue into a gully!
Poke a fiend in the eye!
Slap a cretin about the chops with a fine leather glove!
Snub an high elf!
Set booby traps for an unwary hog!
Confront a brute and bad-mouth his mam!
------
All this crazed behaviour will totally unnerve the mugger, and 9 times out of 10, he will flee for his life, thinking he has just encountered an escaped lunatic.
3. THE JACK-IN-A-BOX GIVEAWAY GIMMICK
Visit a toy shop and purchase the largest jack-in-a-box you can find. Also buy some boxing gloves. Back at home, fill one of the boxing gloves with cement and let it harden. When it is ready, replace the clown in the jack-in-a-box with the rock hard boxing glove. You now have in your possession a devious anti-mugger time bomb.
Whenever you leave the safety of your home, take the modified jack-in-a-box with you.
If you are attacked by a mugger, simply give him the jack-in-a-box and say in a startled voice: "I have no money on me, this is all I have! Take it, it's yours!"
Because muggers are greedy and shameless weasels, they will open the box immediately, and when they do - WALLOP! - What a nasty surprise.
You will now be able to fog-march the dazed villain into the nearest Police Station.
*
Armed with the knowledge of these 3 anti-mugger survival methods, you need never fear venturing down dark alleyways again.
Best wishes,
Hoodwink Flabbergast.
Muggers are a growing menace on our streets.
Only yesterday, as I strolled through the night streets of Manchester City Centre, was I approached by one of these freeloading villains.
"Give me ya wallet!" he hissed, glaring at me with his squinty eyes.
I mean, the bloody cheek of it! - Needless to say I sent him packing with his tail firmly between his legs.
Many people ask me what they should do if they are threatened by a wannabe mugger?
Well, you could just hand over your money and possessions like a trembling yellow-belly weakling, but that would result in the bad guy coming out tops, and we can't be having that. No sir! Victim status does not sit well with me at all!
Ideally, my advice would be to adopt the Charles "Deathwish" Bronson strategy - i.e. shoot them dead on the spot, but this will ultimately conclude with you serving a long prison sentence. Not good, especially if your cell-mate turns out to be looking for a new missus.
So what other options are there when you find yourself in the greedy sights of a mugger?
Well, I suggest using any of the following 3 anti-mugger survival methods. They work for me, and I'm sure they will work for you.
*
1. THE HUMAN MOUSE-TRAP DECEPTION
Before leaving the safety of your home, place one coiled and "snap-ready" mouse-trap inside each pocket of your jacket.
If you are targeted by a mugger whilst going about your business, simply act petrified, raise your arms in the air and say: "Hey man, don't hurt me, take my wallet, it's in my jacket pocket!"
If all goes to plan, the greedy mugger will be left screaming in agony with his grimy fingers caught in the powerful jaws of one of your mouse-traps, and you'll have plenty of time to make an easy citizen's arrest.
(This tactic is also very useful for seeing-off pickpockets.)
2. THE RAVING MANIAC BAMBOOZLE METHOD
This is my favourite anti-mugger tactic, because it allows me to use my love of language and dancing.
If you are approached by a mugger who demands your money or possessions, simply do the following:
-Step 1: begin a wild dance, akin to that of a demented banshee.
-Step 2: whilst jigging like a bewitched hell-cat, begin to growl and show your teeth like a rabid dog.
-Step 3: continue to perform Steps 1&2, then proceed to yell utter and complete nonsense - something like:
------
Head-butt a mule in a gale!
Trim the beard of a snoozing dwarf!
Push a rogue into a gully!
Poke a fiend in the eye!
Slap a cretin about the chops with a fine leather glove!
Snub an high elf!
Set booby traps for an unwary hog!
Confront a brute and bad-mouth his mam!
------
All this crazed behaviour will totally unnerve the mugger, and 9 times out of 10, he will flee for his life, thinking he has just encountered an escaped lunatic.
3. THE JACK-IN-A-BOX GIVEAWAY GIMMICK
Visit a toy shop and purchase the largest jack-in-a-box you can find. Also buy some boxing gloves. Back at home, fill one of the boxing gloves with cement and let it harden. When it is ready, replace the clown in the jack-in-a-box with the rock hard boxing glove. You now have in your possession a devious anti-mugger time bomb.
Whenever you leave the safety of your home, take the modified jack-in-a-box with you.
If you are attacked by a mugger, simply give him the jack-in-a-box and say in a startled voice: "I have no money on me, this is all I have! Take it, it's yours!"
Because muggers are greedy and shameless weasels, they will open the box immediately, and when they do - WALLOP! - What a nasty surprise.
You will now be able to fog-march the dazed villain into the nearest Police Station.
*
Armed with the knowledge of these 3 anti-mugger survival methods, you need never fear venturing down dark alleyways again.
Best wishes,
Hoodwink Flabbergast.
Nothings ever bin stolen from me.
Humourous.
I was mugged once by three rogues. When I said I had no money, they made me take off my shoes for some reason. I think they thought I was hiding money there. Eventually they were spooked by a passerby and fled. It shook me up pretty bad at the time.
If only I'd left the house that morning with the anti-mugger knowledge of Prof.Flabbergast. I could've reduced them to mush ;-)
I was mugged once by three rogues. When I said I had no money, they made me take off my shoes for some reason. I think they thought I was hiding money there. Eventually they were spooked by a passerby and fled. It shook me up pretty bad at the time.
If only I'd left the house that morning with the anti-mugger knowledge of Prof.Flabbergast. I could've reduced them to mush ;-)
Well, you know what to do next time, sonny jim.
I'm forwarding you 10 mouse-traps and a primed-and-ready jack-in-a-box.
Remember: don't leave the safety of your home without them.
Also I've enclosed a lexicon of peculiar phrases to help you out with the second anti-mugger survival method.
Kind regards.
I'm forwarding you 10 mouse-traps and a primed-and-ready jack-in-a-box.
Remember: don't leave the safety of your home without them.
Also I've enclosed a lexicon of peculiar phrases to help you out with the second anti-mugger survival method.
Kind regards.
Jet Li: "If someone points a gun to my head and says "give me your wallet" I will say "here, take my wallet".
If anyone ever pulls a knife out on me, they can have everything I have on me, except maybe my boxer shorts.
" No you can't rob me of £13, you might as well kill me or scar me "
Yeah right
" No you can't rob me of £13, you might as well kill me or scar me "
Yeah right
Exactly. Trying to be a hero, only then to die because you weren't aware that your mugger is an ex-military 9th dan Jujitsu master is the most pathetic demise imaginable.
All for what? A few bob in your wallet, and some easilly cancelable credit cards. Pffff
All for what? A few bob in your wallet, and some easilly cancelable credit cards. Pffff
Come on guys.
Have you never seen the "Deathwish" films?
That's the way you deal with muggers.
It's time to clean up the streets.
Have you never seen the "Deathwish" films?
That's the way you deal with muggers.
It's time to clean up the streets.
You haven't got the essence of South London Muggers.
"Oi, have you go the time. Aight gimme your phone. Hand it over or i slash you"
or
"yeah thats a nice phone, gimme it me or i stab you"
But they are all fools. Fools I tell you.
"Oi, have you go the time. Aight gimme your phone. Hand it over or i slash you"
or
"yeah thats a nice phone, gimme it me or i stab you"
But they are all fools. Fools I tell you.
I know exactly what you mean gerrid. Also little 13yr old pikeys who ask you for a fag when theyre smoking one. Or ask for 40p for the bus. Its like YEAH right i'm going to give you money you little pikey tW@t!
Page: