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"If Tommy Cooper were alive today..."

Shamelessly stolen from somewhere else, and you've probably seen them all before anyway, but here goes:

If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today.............................

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you”



This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

El Viking wrote:
> And none of those make an awful lot of sense (Hand
> coloured-photographs? What is this, the 1860s?), but would it
> have been worth the £40 phone call to say "Job?"

Someone said that in the clips comments. Shouting "hand-job you nob" would have delievered some satisfaction, until (as you said) your phone bill came through.

Ah, I thought you were referring to the shirt gag.

And none of those make an awful lot of sense (Hand coloured-photographs? What is this, the 1860s?), but would it have been worth the £40 phone call to say "Job?" X^D

(Hand cricket, tonsil hockey's more interesting friend?)

El Viking wrote:
> In which case, my brain must permanently work on an abstract
> level as I instantly got that.

This is what I was thinking of.

Anyone up for a game of hand cricket?

Classic, takes me back. It was his laugh that creased me:D

It wasn't so much the jokes he told.. it was just his delivery that I really liked. You could watch him and he didn't have to say a word and you'd be laughing, because he had this wonderful thing that not many comedians have and that's not taking himself so seriously

Per example

This is brilliant

Marzman wrote:
> That's a bit like a clue on one of those late night quiz shows,
> where you need some pretty abstract thinking to get it.

In which case, my brain must permanently work on an abstract level as I instantly got that.

Odd fact: My dad used to live near Tommy Cooper.

Tommy Cooper plus fez was a classic comedian, just like that:D

YH wrote:
> T'Pau did a song called China in my hand. They were a
> band.
>
> Lapels are on shirts, near the collar. Hence cholera.

Ah! Very good, thank you

YH wrote:
> T'Pau did a song called China in my hand. They were a
> band.

You see, this is one joke I'm actually glad I wasn't privy to Linkie

> Lapels are on shirts, near the collar. Hence cholera.

That's a bit like a clue on one of those late night quiz shows, where you need some pretty abstract thinking to get it.

T'Pau did a song called China in my hand. They were a band.

Lapels are on shirts, near the collar. Hence cholera.