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*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is pacing back and forth next to a huge meeting table. The SR staff wander in*
Tony - Have you lot seen the time? You should've been here at 9!
Darkus - Why, did we miss something good?
Tony - Just sit down and listen up!
*The staff engage in a game of musical chairs, trying to find a seat each. Eventually, they're all sat at the table, eyes fixed on Tony*
Tony - Right, the reason why I've pulled you all away from your usual work-
*Hybrid laughs*
Hybrid Valves - Work? Good one, Tony!
Tony - Yes, quite. Now then, the reason you're all here is because of the alarming rise of crime in this here city. Just the other day, somebody stole half my cars. Luckily, I still have the other 50, but this is not acceptable! Loki was mugged at knife point-
Mr Snuggly - It was a fork, actually. A plastic fork.
*Everyone laughs at loki, who slides down his chair in embarrassment*
Tony - Yes, yes, all very funny. Actually, it is pretty funny. Let's all laugh at loki some more
*Everyone laughs once again*
Tony - You weakling, loki... Ahem, anyway, my point is - we're not safe. So, in a possibly drug induced decision, I'm sending you all off to be trained
schroeder - In self defence?
Bob - In martial arts?
Brad - In finger painting?
Tony - No, no and maybe. You're going to be trained in police methods. You'll be shown how to beat people about the heads with truncheons, stop and question joggers, arrest kids who steal bowling pins and generally annoy the public.
Mr Snuggly - Aw, do we have to? Can't we just shoot at criminals in the arcades like usual?
Tony - No! This is important! I need all of you to be deadly weapons, so you can jump in front of bullets for me. Now, take a five minute smoking break and meet in the car park so I can send you off to boot camp. Does everyone have their permission slips?
*Everyone waves their parent signed forms in the air, except loki*
loki - I, um... forgot mine
*Once again, everyone laughs at loki*
*Scene 2*
*SR Academy, somewhere else in England*
*The staff are dressed in police cadet uniforms, shivering in the cold. Tony goes to address them*
Tony - Now then, you 'orrible little maggots, I-
*Snuggly raises his hand*
Mr Snuggly - Do you have to call us that?
Tony - Quiet you, this might be my only chance to re-enact Full Metal Jacket. Right then, since I can't afford, nor could be bothered to look for, a real military or police consultant, I got the next best thing. Say hello to your trainers...
*A bus pulls up. Steve Guttenberg, Michael Winslow and Bubba Smith climb out, and give a look of disgust at the British weather*
Mr Snuggly - Mahoney! Jones! Hightower!
Michael Winslow - *sigh* I'm not Jones, he's a fictional character. I'm Michael... Michael Winslow
Mr Snuggly - Can you really do all those sound effects, Jonesy?
Michael Winslow - Look, he's a character! I did play OTHER characters you know! You must have seen Space Balls! I was the guy with the sweeps, the creeps and the beeps!
Hybrid Valves - I thought that was Eddie Murphy...
*Winslow slaps his head in desperation. Everyone stares at him*
Michael Winslow - Oh, alright
*He does some machine gun noises. Everybody jumps up and down in excitement*
*Scene 3*
*In the barracks. The trainers are checking everyone's beds*
schroeder - Why do I have to share a room with the lads? They're disgusting!
Guttenberg - Because Tony has the other one all to himself. Now then, the next few weeks are going to be tough. You're going to get up to a lot of hi-jinx, play a lot of tricks on the evil boss, pole some birds and possibly stop a jail break
Mr Snuggly - You've just described every single Police Academy film
Guttenberg - Yes, and that's why my career has failed, which is why I'm here training you lot. At least I had the sense to get out after number 4
*He looks at Winslow and Smith*
Smith - Hey, I had bills to pay. They emptied a suitcase of money onto my desk
Winslow - You got money?! They forced me to do them at gunpoint! Said it wouldn't be Police Academy without the sound effects guy!
Guttenberg - OK, you lot, follow Smith to the obstacle course, we're going to see how fit you are.
*Ten minutes later, the staff are collapsed on their beds, out of breath*
Smith - You guys are TERRIBLE! Never before have I seen such weaklings!
Darkus - Don't blame us, we're computer nerds, we're not SUPPOSED to be fit!
Smith - That's no excuse! If you want to be able to punch lockers, causing them to fall down like a huge stack of dominos, or wrestle a huge fat guy with a beard who bent your badge, you're gonna have to toughen up. You, Hybrid, you couldn't even make it up the wall!
Hybrid Valves - I was looking for the door...
Smith - And you, Bob, you got stuck halfway up the rope!
Bob - It took me till I got halfway up to remember I'm scared of heights...
Smith - Brad, you weren't too bad, except for all the cheating
Brad - I'll finish it SOME day, I swear
Smith - And you, Snuggly, I see all that monkey related news has made you weak! You ran off to have a smoke half way through!
Mr Snuggly - At least I ran, surely that counts for something?
Smith - I can see we're going to need to take serious action to get you lot into shape. So, I called a friend of mine, and he's coming down to give you a motivational speech
*Bobcat Goldthwait walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Zed!
Goldthwait - Argh! I, like, rowrl, want you guys to do REEEAL good, you know? I, I, rargh, like, wanna be proud of you guys! Argh! Roooar!
Hybrid Valves - Are the rumours about you and Sweetchuck true?
Goldthwait - Nowrl! Like, argh, no, I did not have sexual relations with Tim Kazurinsky, rowl! Now, go off and, like, argh! Do well, argh!
*He screams and runs off*
Smith - Heed his words, and use them to push yourself harder each time you fail at the fitness tests
Brad - How will knowing whether or not he was gay with Sweetchuck help us?
*Tony comes in*
Tony - I decided to see how it was going... Learnt how to dive in front of bullets yet?
Winslow - (as Count Dracula) These guys couldn't dive in front of a slow moving bus, sucker
Tony - There could be some disgruntled customer out there, just WAITING to shoot me, and I don't have any staff members to take the bullet for me? This isn't good enough! I see we need more trainers! Lucky for me, G.W. Bailey happens to be a good friend of mine!
Bob - Who?
*G.W. Bailey walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Captain Harris!
Bailey - Shut the hell up! From now on, you'll be taking orders from just one man
Brad - Who?
Bailey - Me, you moron! Now, Guttenberg, you may have outshone me in the films, but Tony has put ME in charge! Now I'm going to take a shower, leaving myself totally open for some cleverly devised trick. I want you all on your feet and ready for a five mile run before I get back... Move it, move it, move it!
schroeder - He said "move it, move it, move it" Yay! My life is now complete!
Guttenberg - A five mile run? Great, just great!
Mr Snuggly - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan
*Scene 4*
*The staff and trainers are doing a cross country run. G.W. Bailey has blue skin, and is seething with rage*
Mr Snuggly - Heh heh heh, the old blue dye replacing the shower gel trick never fails!
Winslow - Now all we need to do is get him to the Blue Oyster club, ha ha
Hybrid Valves - Oh, I love that place, dead friendly atmosphere
*Everybody runs in an uncomfortable silence for a while*
Mr Snuggly - *ahem* Anyway, what's our next trick on old Captain Harris gonna be?
Guttenberg - I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
*Scene 5*
*The firing range. The staff are lined up*
Winslow - Right, you're about to learn how to operate a firearm. Normally, David Graf - aka Tackleberry - would deal with this, but he's in comedy heaven I believe, so you're stuck with me. Now, we have a slight problem. We couldn't bring any guns in, because of your stupid gun laws, and Tony couldn't be bothered to buy us any. However, we did manage to find this SA rifle. It's poorly designed, badly made, prone to failure and looks pap, but if it's good enough for your army, it's good enough for us. Another problem is that we don't have any bullets... So, just aim, pull the trigger, and I'll make the sound effect.
Darkus - So we're not actually shooting at anything? How are we meant to become good shots if we're not even hitting a target?
Winslow - What am I, the answer man? schroeder, you're up first.
*schroeder timidly approaches the range, and is handed the gun by Michael Winslow. She closes her eyes and aims above her head. She pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *bang* Well done! You got a bullseye! Next!
*Hybrid Valves comes up and takes the gun. He aims in the wrong direction*
Winslow - *bang* Another bullseye! I see my work here is done! But we have time for one more
*Snuggly takes the gun, aims, and pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *laser blast* *rocket launcher* *flamethrower* *sheep* Well done, you managed to control it on automatic!
Snuggly - (dancing) Yay me!
Winslow - Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing!
*They pack up and begin to leave*
*Scene 6*
*The staff are lined up. Bubba Smith addresses them*
Smith - The most important thing about being a cop is being able to eat doughnuts, being able to whack random people with your baton, and being able to run red lights. You got that?
All - Yes, sir!
Smith - Good. Congratulations, you've passed
Hybrid Valves - What?
Darkus - Already?
Bob - But we've barely done anything!
Smith - What, you think being a cop is hard? Have any of you actually WATCHED the Police Academy films! We never do ANY work! We just play tricks on Harris then foil a jail break! Except in number 6, when I had to pull on that guy's nose. Other than that, it's plain sailing all the way
Mr Snuggly - So we're all cops?
Smith - Well... not officially, since you've just been trained by a bunch of actors, but that was good enough for Tony, so yeah, you can call yourselves cops if you want
Mr Snuggly - Right! I'm off to stop some joggers!
Darkus - I'm off to arrest some kids for stealing bowling pins! I bet MoJoJoJo's around here SOMEWHERE!
*Guttenberg comes in*
Guttenberg - Alright, listen up, everyone. Winslow and I just heard there's a bank robbery in process, and we're the closest units, so we've been ordered to go and foil it
Tony - But they're not insured for real police work! I only got the "human shield" package! It doesn't cover anything other than diving in front of bullets!
Winslow - Relax, I'm sure they can handle themselves. OK, into the van!
*The staff clamber into the back of a van. Winslow closes the doors*
Winslow - This is gonna be great!
Guttenberg - Ssshhh! Come on, get in
*They climb into the front and drive off. Tony watches on*
*Scene 7*
*The van pulls outside an old warehouse. Guttenberg opens the back doors and the staff climb out, looking confused*
Brad - I thought we were going to a bank?
Guttenberg - We are, this IS the bank
Mr Snuggly - Looks awfully like an old warehouse to me...
Winslow - It's one of those low key banks. Now, here's a water pistol, go in and stop the bank robbers
*They hand Mr Snuggly a pink water pistol, and he leads the staff inside*
Guttenberg - Ha ha
Winslow - They're gonna be so humiliated when all they find is a bunch of workmen playing cards on their break!
*They wait a bit, before they hear several gunshots*
Guttenberg - What the-?
*Mr Snuggly comes out, directing two men in ski masks at gun point. The rest of the staff follow*
Mr Snuggly - One of them resisted arrest, so you'd better call a mortician. That was easy, what's next?
*The staff get into the van*
Winslow - Now that doesn't make one bit of sense!
*Scene 8*
*The staff are sat in the back of the van as Winslow drives. Guttenberg opens the slider and talks to them*
Guttenberg - We've just got a call from Bailey, there's a jail break. We're on our way now to deal with it. Get ready
*The van pulls up and the staff get out. They're at a police station, and there are criminals running all over the place around it*
Guttenberg - Snuggly, Darkus, Brad, you're with Winslow. Hybrid, Bob, schroeder, you're with me. We've got to go and deal with the jail break in several hilarious encounters. OK, break!
*They split off into two groups*
Hybrid Valves - Wait, so who am I with again?
*Scene 9*
*Guttenberg, Hybrid, Bob and schroeder pull up outside the Blue Oyster club*
Guttenberg - We've gotten word that a load of the escaped criminals are in here, so we're gonna go in and bust some skulls, old school style, everyone alright with that?
Hybrid Valves - Do we get pepper spray?
Guttenberg - Yeah, but we don't have any cans of the stuff, we'll have to put it in these water pistols... OK, go, go, go!
*They barge in through the fire escape doors, and a bunch of men dressed like the Village People turn around, a look of surprise on their faces. G.W Bailey tries to hide himself in the crowd*
Guttenberg - Bailey! After all those years of tricking you to come here, you're here anyway?!
Bailey - They, um... play good music here
Hybrid Valves - Yeah!
*Hybrid starts dancing*
Bob - Knock that off! Where are the escaped criminals?
schroeder - There they go!
*A group of men are running towards the front exit. The staff chase after them*
*Scene 10*
*Winslow, Snuggly, Darkus and Brad are walking the streets, keeping an eye out. They spot a load of men carjacking someone*
Winslow - Right, men, this is what we've trained for!
Brad - We haven't trained for anything...
*They run over to the men, whip out their truncheons and start cracking skulls. The men drop to their knees in pain*
Peter Jackson - Cut!
*Jackson runs over*
Peter Jackson - What the HELL are you guys doing?!
Winslow - (as a robot) We're stopping these escaped criminals from carjacking this poor, old lady
Peter Jackson - You morons, this is a film set!
Mr Snuggly - Film set? What for?
Peter Jackson - The Grand Theft Auto film! You've ruined the whole shot! These men are actors!
*They look into the car to see the old woman is a butch stunt man in drag*
Darkus - Oops... Sorry, guys. Here, let me help you put your blood back in
Peter Jackson - Right, that's it! I'm not finishing the film! Spielberg can do it with a cast of Ewoks like he planned!
Mr Snuggly - Nooooooooo!
*Scene 11*
*The staff are chasing the men from the Blue Oyster club down an alley way. Guttenberg drives the car in front of them, blocking them off. He gets out just as the staff reach them*
Bob - Freeze, dirtbags!
*The men put their hands up just as Bailey shows up*
Bailey - Out of my way, out of my way! Just what do you guys think you're doing?
schroeder - We're arresting these escaped criminals!
Bailey - They're not escaped criminals! They're the dance act from the club!
*The men look at each other and shrug*
Crook 1 - Um, yeah... that's right. We're the male strippers!
Crook 2 - Yeah, you know, all that YMCA stuff...
*They do the YMCA dance, badly*
Bailey - See?
Guttenberg - Sir...
Bailey - Move that car and let them go... NOW! Move it, move it, move it!
*Guttenberg sighs and backs the car off. The men look at each other, then leg it*
*Scene 12*
*Back at the SR Academy, Tony is addressing the staff*
Tony - You played tricks on the evil boss, you pulled some birds-
Mr Snuggly - (Fonzy) Aaaaaaeeeehhh!
Tony - But you didn't stop the jail break! You call this a Police Academy film!
Brad - Sorry, sir, we tried!
Tony - Forget it! I'll just have to hire Kevin Costner to be my bodyguard
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, he needs the work...
*The End*
Dedicated to Rakuga, who's never seen a Police Academy film in his life.
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is pacing back and forth next to a huge meeting table. The SR staff wander in*
Tony - Have you lot seen the time? You should've been here at 9!
Darkus - Why, did we miss something good?
Tony - Just sit down and listen up!
*The staff engage in a game of musical chairs, trying to find a seat each. Eventually, they're all sat at the table, eyes fixed on Tony*
Tony - Right, the reason why I've pulled you all away from your usual work-
*Hybrid laughs*
Hybrid Valves - Work? Good one, Tony!
Tony - Yes, quite. Now then, the reason you're all here is because of the alarming rise of crime in this here city. Just the other day, somebody stole half my cars. Luckily, I still have the other 50, but this is not acceptable! Loki was mugged at knife point-
Mr Snuggly - It was a fork, actually. A plastic fork.
*Everyone laughs at loki, who slides down his chair in embarrassment*
Tony - Yes, yes, all very funny. Actually, it is pretty funny. Let's all laugh at loki some more
*Everyone laughs once again*
Tony - You weakling, loki... Ahem, anyway, my point is - we're not safe. So, in a possibly drug induced decision, I'm sending you all off to be trained
schroeder - In self defence?
Bob - In martial arts?
Brad - In finger painting?
Tony - No, no and maybe. You're going to be trained in police methods. You'll be shown how to beat people about the heads with truncheons, stop and question joggers, arrest kids who steal bowling pins and generally annoy the public.
Mr Snuggly - Aw, do we have to? Can't we just shoot at criminals in the arcades like usual?
Tony - No! This is important! I need all of you to be deadly weapons, so you can jump in front of bullets for me. Now, take a five minute smoking break and meet in the car park so I can send you off to boot camp. Does everyone have their permission slips?
*Everyone waves their parent signed forms in the air, except loki*
loki - I, um... forgot mine
*Once again, everyone laughs at loki*
*Scene 2*
*SR Academy, somewhere else in England*
*The staff are dressed in police cadet uniforms, shivering in the cold. Tony goes to address them*
Tony - Now then, you 'orrible little maggots, I-
*Snuggly raises his hand*
Mr Snuggly - Do you have to call us that?
Tony - Quiet you, this might be my only chance to re-enact Full Metal Jacket. Right then, since I can't afford, nor could be bothered to look for, a real military or police consultant, I got the next best thing. Say hello to your trainers...
*A bus pulls up. Steve Guttenberg, Michael Winslow and Bubba Smith climb out, and give a look of disgust at the British weather*
Mr Snuggly - Mahoney! Jones! Hightower!
Michael Winslow - *sigh* I'm not Jones, he's a fictional character. I'm Michael... Michael Winslow
Mr Snuggly - Can you really do all those sound effects, Jonesy?
Michael Winslow - Look, he's a character! I did play OTHER characters you know! You must have seen Space Balls! I was the guy with the sweeps, the creeps and the beeps!
Hybrid Valves - I thought that was Eddie Murphy...
*Winslow slaps his head in desperation. Everyone stares at him*
Michael Winslow - Oh, alright
*He does some machine gun noises. Everybody jumps up and down in excitement*
*Scene 3*
*In the barracks. The trainers are checking everyone's beds*
schroeder - Why do I have to share a room with the lads? They're disgusting!
Guttenberg - Because Tony has the other one all to himself. Now then, the next few weeks are going to be tough. You're going to get up to a lot of hi-jinx, play a lot of tricks on the evil boss, pole some birds and possibly stop a jail break
Mr Snuggly - You've just described every single Police Academy film
Guttenberg - Yes, and that's why my career has failed, which is why I'm here training you lot. At least I had the sense to get out after number 4
*He looks at Winslow and Smith*
Smith - Hey, I had bills to pay. They emptied a suitcase of money onto my desk
Winslow - You got money?! They forced me to do them at gunpoint! Said it wouldn't be Police Academy without the sound effects guy!
Guttenberg - OK, you lot, follow Smith to the obstacle course, we're going to see how fit you are.
*Ten minutes later, the staff are collapsed on their beds, out of breath*
Smith - You guys are TERRIBLE! Never before have I seen such weaklings!
Darkus - Don't blame us, we're computer nerds, we're not SUPPOSED to be fit!
Smith - That's no excuse! If you want to be able to punch lockers, causing them to fall down like a huge stack of dominos, or wrestle a huge fat guy with a beard who bent your badge, you're gonna have to toughen up. You, Hybrid, you couldn't even make it up the wall!
Hybrid Valves - I was looking for the door...
Smith - And you, Bob, you got stuck halfway up the rope!
Bob - It took me till I got halfway up to remember I'm scared of heights...
Smith - Brad, you weren't too bad, except for all the cheating
Brad - I'll finish it SOME day, I swear
Smith - And you, Snuggly, I see all that monkey related news has made you weak! You ran off to have a smoke half way through!
Mr Snuggly - At least I ran, surely that counts for something?
Smith - I can see we're going to need to take serious action to get you lot into shape. So, I called a friend of mine, and he's coming down to give you a motivational speech
*Bobcat Goldthwait walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Zed!
Goldthwait - Argh! I, like, rowrl, want you guys to do REEEAL good, you know? I, I, rargh, like, wanna be proud of you guys! Argh! Roooar!
Hybrid Valves - Are the rumours about you and Sweetchuck true?
Goldthwait - Nowrl! Like, argh, no, I did not have sexual relations with Tim Kazurinsky, rowl! Now, go off and, like, argh! Do well, argh!
*He screams and runs off*
Smith - Heed his words, and use them to push yourself harder each time you fail at the fitness tests
Brad - How will knowing whether or not he was gay with Sweetchuck help us?
*Tony comes in*
Tony - I decided to see how it was going... Learnt how to dive in front of bullets yet?
Winslow - (as Count Dracula) These guys couldn't dive in front of a slow moving bus, sucker
Tony - There could be some disgruntled customer out there, just WAITING to shoot me, and I don't have any staff members to take the bullet for me? This isn't good enough! I see we need more trainers! Lucky for me, G.W. Bailey happens to be a good friend of mine!
Bob - Who?
*G.W. Bailey walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Captain Harris!
Bailey - Shut the hell up! From now on, you'll be taking orders from just one man
Brad - Who?
Bailey - Me, you moron! Now, Guttenberg, you may have outshone me in the films, but Tony has put ME in charge! Now I'm going to take a shower, leaving myself totally open for some cleverly devised trick. I want you all on your feet and ready for a five mile run before I get back... Move it, move it, move it!
schroeder - He said "move it, move it, move it" Yay! My life is now complete!
Guttenberg - A five mile run? Great, just great!
Mr Snuggly - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan
*Scene 4*
*The staff and trainers are doing a cross country run. G.W. Bailey has blue skin, and is seething with rage*
Mr Snuggly - Heh heh heh, the old blue dye replacing the shower gel trick never fails!
Winslow - Now all we need to do is get him to the Blue Oyster club, ha ha
Hybrid Valves - Oh, I love that place, dead friendly atmosphere
*Everybody runs in an uncomfortable silence for a while*
Mr Snuggly - *ahem* Anyway, what's our next trick on old Captain Harris gonna be?
Guttenberg - I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
*Scene 5*
*The firing range. The staff are lined up*
Winslow - Right, you're about to learn how to operate a firearm. Normally, David Graf - aka Tackleberry - would deal with this, but he's in comedy heaven I believe, so you're stuck with me. Now, we have a slight problem. We couldn't bring any guns in, because of your stupid gun laws, and Tony couldn't be bothered to buy us any. However, we did manage to find this SA rifle. It's poorly designed, badly made, prone to failure and looks pap, but if it's good enough for your army, it's good enough for us. Another problem is that we don't have any bullets... So, just aim, pull the trigger, and I'll make the sound effect.
Darkus - So we're not actually shooting at anything? How are we meant to become good shots if we're not even hitting a target?
Winslow - What am I, the answer man? schroeder, you're up first.
*schroeder timidly approaches the range, and is handed the gun by Michael Winslow. She closes her eyes and aims above her head. She pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *bang* Well done! You got a bullseye! Next!
*Hybrid Valves comes up and takes the gun. He aims in the wrong direction*
Winslow - *bang* Another bullseye! I see my work here is done! But we have time for one more
*Snuggly takes the gun, aims, and pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *laser blast* *rocket launcher* *flamethrower* *sheep* Well done, you managed to control it on automatic!
Snuggly - (dancing) Yay me!
Winslow - Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing!
*They pack up and begin to leave*
*Scene 6*
*The staff are lined up. Bubba Smith addresses them*
Smith - The most important thing about being a cop is being able to eat doughnuts, being able to whack random people with your baton, and being able to run red lights. You got that?
All - Yes, sir!
Smith - Good. Congratulations, you've passed
Hybrid Valves - What?
Darkus - Already?
Bob - But we've barely done anything!
Smith - What, you think being a cop is hard? Have any of you actually WATCHED the Police Academy films! We never do ANY work! We just play tricks on Harris then foil a jail break! Except in number 6, when I had to pull on that guy's nose. Other than that, it's plain sailing all the way
Mr Snuggly - So we're all cops?
Smith - Well... not officially, since you've just been trained by a bunch of actors, but that was good enough for Tony, so yeah, you can call yourselves cops if you want
Mr Snuggly - Right! I'm off to stop some joggers!
Darkus - I'm off to arrest some kids for stealing bowling pins! I bet MoJoJoJo's around here SOMEWHERE!
*Guttenberg comes in*
Guttenberg - Alright, listen up, everyone. Winslow and I just heard there's a bank robbery in process, and we're the closest units, so we've been ordered to go and foil it
Tony - But they're not insured for real police work! I only got the "human shield" package! It doesn't cover anything other than diving in front of bullets!
Winslow - Relax, I'm sure they can handle themselves. OK, into the van!
*The staff clamber into the back of a van. Winslow closes the doors*
Winslow - This is gonna be great!
Guttenberg - Ssshhh! Come on, get in
*They climb into the front and drive off. Tony watches on*
*Scene 7*
*The van pulls outside an old warehouse. Guttenberg opens the back doors and the staff climb out, looking confused*
Brad - I thought we were going to a bank?
Guttenberg - We are, this IS the bank
Mr Snuggly - Looks awfully like an old warehouse to me...
Winslow - It's one of those low key banks. Now, here's a water pistol, go in and stop the bank robbers
*They hand Mr Snuggly a pink water pistol, and he leads the staff inside*
Guttenberg - Ha ha
Winslow - They're gonna be so humiliated when all they find is a bunch of workmen playing cards on their break!
*They wait a bit, before they hear several gunshots*
Guttenberg - What the-?
*Mr Snuggly comes out, directing two men in ski masks at gun point. The rest of the staff follow*
Mr Snuggly - One of them resisted arrest, so you'd better call a mortician. That was easy, what's next?
*The staff get into the van*
Winslow - Now that doesn't make one bit of sense!
*Scene 8*
*The staff are sat in the back of the van as Winslow drives. Guttenberg opens the slider and talks to them*
Guttenberg - We've just got a call from Bailey, there's a jail break. We're on our way now to deal with it. Get ready
*The van pulls up and the staff get out. They're at a police station, and there are criminals running all over the place around it*
Guttenberg - Snuggly, Darkus, Brad, you're with Winslow. Hybrid, Bob, schroeder, you're with me. We've got to go and deal with the jail break in several hilarious encounters. OK, break!
*They split off into two groups*
Hybrid Valves - Wait, so who am I with again?
*Scene 9*
*Guttenberg, Hybrid, Bob and schroeder pull up outside the Blue Oyster club*
Guttenberg - We've gotten word that a load of the escaped criminals are in here, so we're gonna go in and bust some skulls, old school style, everyone alright with that?
Hybrid Valves - Do we get pepper spray?
Guttenberg - Yeah, but we don't have any cans of the stuff, we'll have to put it in these water pistols... OK, go, go, go!
*They barge in through the fire escape doors, and a bunch of men dressed like the Village People turn around, a look of surprise on their faces. G.W Bailey tries to hide himself in the crowd*
Guttenberg - Bailey! After all those years of tricking you to come here, you're here anyway?!
Bailey - They, um... play good music here
Hybrid Valves - Yeah!
*Hybrid starts dancing*
Bob - Knock that off! Where are the escaped criminals?
schroeder - There they go!
*A group of men are running towards the front exit. The staff chase after them*
*Scene 10*
*Winslow, Snuggly, Darkus and Brad are walking the streets, keeping an eye out. They spot a load of men carjacking someone*
Winslow - Right, men, this is what we've trained for!
Brad - We haven't trained for anything...
*They run over to the men, whip out their truncheons and start cracking skulls. The men drop to their knees in pain*
Peter Jackson - Cut!
*Jackson runs over*
Peter Jackson - What the HELL are you guys doing?!
Winslow - (as a robot) We're stopping these escaped criminals from carjacking this poor, old lady
Peter Jackson - You morons, this is a film set!
Mr Snuggly - Film set? What for?
Peter Jackson - The Grand Theft Auto film! You've ruined the whole shot! These men are actors!
*They look into the car to see the old woman is a butch stunt man in drag*
Darkus - Oops... Sorry, guys. Here, let me help you put your blood back in
Peter Jackson - Right, that's it! I'm not finishing the film! Spielberg can do it with a cast of Ewoks like he planned!
Mr Snuggly - Nooooooooo!
*Scene 11*
*The staff are chasing the men from the Blue Oyster club down an alley way. Guttenberg drives the car in front of them, blocking them off. He gets out just as the staff reach them*
Bob - Freeze, dirtbags!
*The men put their hands up just as Bailey shows up*
Bailey - Out of my way, out of my way! Just what do you guys think you're doing?
schroeder - We're arresting these escaped criminals!
Bailey - They're not escaped criminals! They're the dance act from the club!
*The men look at each other and shrug*
Crook 1 - Um, yeah... that's right. We're the male strippers!
Crook 2 - Yeah, you know, all that YMCA stuff...
*They do the YMCA dance, badly*
Bailey - See?
Guttenberg - Sir...
Bailey - Move that car and let them go... NOW! Move it, move it, move it!
*Guttenberg sighs and backs the car off. The men look at each other, then leg it*
*Scene 12*
*Back at the SR Academy, Tony is addressing the staff*
Tony - You played tricks on the evil boss, you pulled some birds-
Mr Snuggly - (Fonzy) Aaaaaaeeeehhh!
Tony - But you didn't stop the jail break! You call this a Police Academy film!
Brad - Sorry, sir, we tried!
Tony - Forget it! I'll just have to hire Kevin Costner to be my bodyguard
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, he needs the work...
*The End*
Dedicated to Rakuga, who's never seen a Police Academy film in his life.
Thanks for the feedback guys, glad to know you lot enjoy them
Great stuff - another very enjoyable read.
And it should of won GAD.
And it should of won GAD.
How didn't this beauty win GAD?
AfroJoe wrote:
> Ah, yet again, brilliant!
>
> I don't know how you do it MoJo - I could never find all the time for
> writing these things, and you make them understandable too, which has
> to be applauded.
>
> Great stuff - another very enjoyable read!
-----
He stole my reply.
> Ah, yet again, brilliant!
>
> I don't know how you do it MoJo - I could never find all the time for
> writing these things, and you make them understandable too, which has
> to be applauded.
>
> Great stuff - another very enjoyable read!
-----
He stole my reply.
Very, very funny, but I haven't bothered to read all of it yet.
Mystique wrote:
> Mojojojojojojojojojo asked me to post something
---------
No, I asked you to sleep with me, then I realised I haven't sunk that low and... and I'd better shut up now, Mystique is giving me funny looks
> Mojojojojojojojojojo asked me to post something
---------
No, I asked you to sleep with me, then I realised I haven't sunk that low and... and I'd better shut up now, Mystique is giving me funny looks
Mojojojojojojojojojo asked me to post something because his thread is getting buried by loads of spam.
So..
Pop.
So..
Pop.
My Dad's never seen a Police Academy film in his life but then again he's a crazy fool (note the post he made yesterday).
Ah, yet again, brilliant!
I don't know how you do it MoJo - I could never find all the time for writing these things, and you make them understandable too, which has to be applauded.
Great stuff - another very enjoyable read!
I don't know how you do it MoJo - I could never find all the time for writing these things, and you make them understandable too, which has to be applauded.
Great stuff - another very enjoyable read!
*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is pacing back and forth next to a huge meeting table. The SR staff wander in*
Tony - Have you lot seen the time? You should've been here at 9!
Darkus - Why, did we miss something good?
Tony - Just sit down and listen up!
*The staff engage in a game of musical chairs, trying to find a seat each. Eventually, they're all sat at the table, eyes fixed on Tony*
Tony - Right, the reason why I've pulled you all away from your usual work-
*Hybrid laughs*
Hybrid Valves - Work? Good one, Tony!
Tony - Yes, quite. Now then, the reason you're all here is because of the alarming rise of crime in this here city. Just the other day, somebody stole half my cars. Luckily, I still have the other 50, but this is not acceptable! Loki was mugged at knife point-
Mr Snuggly - It was a fork, actually. A plastic fork.
*Everyone laughs at loki, who slides down his chair in embarrassment*
Tony - Yes, yes, all very funny. Actually, it is pretty funny. Let's all laugh at loki some more
*Everyone laughs once again*
Tony - You weakling, loki... Ahem, anyway, my point is - we're not safe. So, in a possibly drug induced decision, I'm sending you all off to be trained
schroeder - In self defence?
Bob - In martial arts?
Brad - In finger painting?
Tony - No, no and maybe. You're going to be trained in police methods. You'll be shown how to beat people about the heads with truncheons, stop and question joggers, arrest kids who steal bowling pins and generally annoy the public.
Mr Snuggly - Aw, do we have to? Can't we just shoot at criminals in the arcades like usual?
Tony - No! This is important! I need all of you to be deadly weapons, so you can jump in front of bullets for me. Now, take a five minute smoking break and meet in the car park so I can send you off to boot camp. Does everyone have their permission slips?
*Everyone waves their parent signed forms in the air, except loki*
loki - I, um... forgot mine
*Once again, everyone laughs at loki*
*Scene 2*
*SR Academy, somewhere else in England*
*The staff are dressed in police cadet uniforms, shivering in the cold. Tony goes to address them*
Tony - Now then, you 'orrible little maggots, I-
*Snuggly raises his hand*
Mr Snuggly - Do you have to call us that?
Tony - Quiet you, this might be my only chance to re-enact Full Metal Jacket. Right then, since I can't afford, nor could be bothered to look for, a real military or police consultant, I got the next best thing. Say hello to your trainers...
*A bus pulls up. Steve Guttenberg, Michael Winslow and Bubba Smith climb out, and give a look of disgust at the British weather*
Mr Snuggly - Mahoney! Jones! Hightower!
Michael Winslow - *sigh* I'm not Jones, he's a fictional character. I'm Michael... Michael Winslow
Mr Snuggly - Can you really do all those sound effects, Jonesy?
Michael Winslow - Look, he's a character! I did play OTHER characters you know! You must have seen Space Balls! I was the guy with the sweeps, the creeps and the beeps!
Hybrid Valves - I thought that was Eddie Murphy...
*Winslow slaps his head in desperation. Everyone stares at him*
Michael Winslow - Oh, alright
*He does some machine gun noises. Everybody jumps up and down in excitement*
*Scene 3*
*In the barracks. The trainers are checking everyone's beds*
schroeder - Why do I have to share a room with the lads? They're disgusting!
Guttenberg - Because Tony has the other one all to himself. Now then, the next few weeks are going to be tough. You're going to get up to a lot of hi-jinx, play a lot of tricks on the evil boss, pole some birds and possibly stop a jail break
Mr Snuggly - You've just described every single Police Academy film
Guttenberg - Yes, and that's why my career has failed, which is why I'm here training you lot. At least I had the sense to get out after number 4
*He looks at Winslow and Smith*
Smith - Hey, I had bills to pay. They emptied a suitcase of money onto my desk
Winslow - You got money?! They forced me to do them at gunpoint! Said it wouldn't be Police Academy without the sound effects guy!
Guttenberg - OK, you lot, follow Smith to the obstacle course, we're going to see how fit you are.
*Ten minutes later, the staff are collapsed on their beds, out of breath*
Smith - You guys are TERRIBLE! Never before have I seen such weaklings!
Darkus - Don't blame us, we're computer nerds, we're not SUPPOSED to be fit!
Smith - That's no excuse! If you want to be able to punch lockers, causing them to fall down like a huge stack of dominos, or wrestle a huge fat guy with a beard who bent your badge, you're gonna have to toughen up. You, Hybrid, you couldn't even make it up the wall!
Hybrid Valves - I was looking for the door...
Smith - And you, Bob, you got stuck halfway up the rope!
Bob - It took me till I got halfway up to remember I'm scared of heights...
Smith - Brad, you weren't too bad, except for all the cheating
Brad - I'll finish it SOME day, I swear
Smith - And you, Snuggly, I see all that monkey related news has made you weak! You ran off to have a smoke half way through!
Mr Snuggly - At least I ran, surely that counts for something?
Smith - I can see we're going to need to take serious action to get you lot into shape. So, I called a friend of mine, and he's coming down to give you a motivational speech
*Bobcat Goldthwait walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Zed!
Goldthwait - Argh! I, like, rowrl, want you guys to do REEEAL good, you know? I, I, rargh, like, wanna be proud of you guys! Argh! Roooar!
Hybrid Valves - Are the rumours about you and Sweetchuck true?
Goldthwait - Nowrl! Like, argh, no, I did not have sexual relations with Tim Kazurinsky, rowl! Now, go off and, like, argh! Do well, argh!
*He screams and runs off*
Smith - Heed his words, and use them to push yourself harder each time you fail at the fitness tests
Brad - How will knowing whether or not he was gay with Sweetchuck help us?
*Tony comes in*
Tony - I decided to see how it was going... Learnt how to dive in front of bullets yet?
Winslow - (as Count Dracula) These guys couldn't dive in front of a slow moving bus, sucker
Tony - There could be some disgruntled customer out there, just WAITING to shoot me, and I don't have any staff members to take the bullet for me? This isn't good enough! I see we need more trainers! Lucky for me, G.W. Bailey happens to be a good friend of mine!
Bob - Who?
*G.W. Bailey walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Captain Harris!
Bailey - Shut the hell up! From now on, you'll be taking orders from just one man
Brad - Who?
Bailey - Me, you moron! Now, Guttenberg, you may have outshone me in the films, but Tony has put ME in charge! Now I'm going to take a shower, leaving myself totally open for some cleverly devised trick. I want you all on your feet and ready for a five mile run before I get back... Move it, move it, move it!
schroeder - He said "move it, move it, move it" Yay! My life is now complete!
Guttenberg - A five mile run? Great, just great!
Mr Snuggly - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan
*Scene 4*
*The staff and trainers are doing a cross country run. G.W. Bailey has blue skin, and is seething with rage*
Mr Snuggly - Heh heh heh, the old blue dye replacing the shower gel trick never fails!
Winslow - Now all we need to do is get him to the Blue Oyster club, ha ha
Hybrid Valves - Oh, I love that place, dead friendly atmosphere
*Everybody runs in an uncomfortable silence for a while*
Mr Snuggly - *ahem* Anyway, what's our next trick on old Captain Harris gonna be?
Guttenberg - I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
*Scene 5*
*The firing range. The staff are lined up*
Winslow - Right, you're about to learn how to operate a firearm. Normally, David Graf - aka Tackleberry - would deal with this, but he's in comedy heaven I believe, so you're stuck with me. Now, we have a slight problem. We couldn't bring any guns in, because of your stupid gun laws, and Tony couldn't be bothered to buy us any. However, we did manage to find this SA rifle. It's poorly designed, badly made, prone to failure and looks pap, but if it's good enough for your army, it's good enough for us. Another problem is that we don't have any bullets... So, just aim, pull the trigger, and I'll make the sound effect.
Darkus - So we're not actually shooting at anything? How are we meant to become good shots if we're not even hitting a target?
Winslow - What am I, the answer man? schroeder, you're up first.
*schroeder timidly approaches the range, and is handed the gun by Michael Winslow. She closes her eyes and aims above her head. She pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *bang* Well done! You got a bullseye! Next!
*Hybrid Valves comes up and takes the gun. He aims in the wrong direction*
Winslow - *bang* Another bullseye! I see my work here is done! But we have time for one more
*Snuggly takes the gun, aims, and pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *laser blast* *rocket launcher* *flamethrower* *sheep* Well done, you managed to control it on automatic!
Snuggly - (dancing) Yay me!
Winslow - Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing!
*They pack up and begin to leave*
*Scene 6*
*The staff are lined up. Bubba Smith addresses them*
Smith - The most important thing about being a cop is being able to eat doughnuts, being able to whack random people with your baton, and being able to run red lights. You got that?
All - Yes, sir!
Smith - Good. Congratulations, you've passed
Hybrid Valves - What?
Darkus - Already?
Bob - But we've barely done anything!
Smith - What, you think being a cop is hard? Have any of you actually WATCHED the Police Academy films! We never do ANY work! We just play tricks on Harris then foil a jail break! Except in number 6, when I had to pull on that guy's nose. Other than that, it's plain sailing all the way
Mr Snuggly - So we're all cops?
Smith - Well... not officially, since you've just been trained by a bunch of actors, but that was good enough for Tony, so yeah, you can call yourselves cops if you want
Mr Snuggly - Right! I'm off to stop some joggers!
Darkus - I'm off to arrest some kids for stealing bowling pins! I bet MoJoJoJo's around here SOMEWHERE!
*Guttenberg comes in*
Guttenberg - Alright, listen up, everyone. Winslow and I just heard there's a bank robbery in process, and we're the closest units, so we've been ordered to go and foil it
Tony - But they're not insured for real police work! I only got the "human shield" package! It doesn't cover anything other than diving in front of bullets!
Winslow - Relax, I'm sure they can handle themselves. OK, into the van!
*The staff clamber into the back of a van. Winslow closes the doors*
Winslow - This is gonna be great!
Guttenberg - Ssshhh! Come on, get in
*They climb into the front and drive off. Tony watches on*
*Scene 7*
*The van pulls outside an old warehouse. Guttenberg opens the back doors and the staff climb out, looking confused*
Brad - I thought we were going to a bank?
Guttenberg - We are, this IS the bank
Mr Snuggly - Looks awfully like an old warehouse to me...
Winslow - It's one of those low key banks. Now, here's a water pistol, go in and stop the bank robbers
*They hand Mr Snuggly a pink water pistol, and he leads the staff inside*
Guttenberg - Ha ha
Winslow - They're gonna be so humiliated when all they find is a bunch of workmen playing cards on their break!
*They wait a bit, before they hear several gunshots*
Guttenberg - What the-?
*Mr Snuggly comes out, directing two men in ski masks at gun point. The rest of the staff follow*
Mr Snuggly - One of them resisted arrest, so you'd better call a mortician. That was easy, what's next?
*The staff get into the van*
Winslow - Now that doesn't make one bit of sense!
*Scene 8*
*The staff are sat in the back of the van as Winslow drives. Guttenberg opens the slider and talks to them*
Guttenberg - We've just got a call from Bailey, there's a jail break. We're on our way now to deal with it. Get ready
*The van pulls up and the staff get out. They're at a police station, and there are criminals running all over the place around it*
Guttenberg - Snuggly, Darkus, Brad, you're with Winslow. Hybrid, Bob, schroeder, you're with me. We've got to go and deal with the jail break in several hilarious encounters. OK, break!
*They split off into two groups*
Hybrid Valves - Wait, so who am I with again?
*Scene 9*
*Guttenberg, Hybrid, Bob and schroeder pull up outside the Blue Oyster club*
Guttenberg - We've gotten word that a load of the escaped criminals are in here, so we're gonna go in and bust some skulls, old school style, everyone alright with that?
Hybrid Valves - Do we get pepper spray?
Guttenberg - Yeah, but we don't have any cans of the stuff, we'll have to put it in these water pistols... OK, go, go, go!
*They barge in through the fire escape doors, and a bunch of men dressed like the Village People turn around, a look of surprise on their faces. G.W Bailey tries to hide himself in the crowd*
Guttenberg - Bailey! After all those years of tricking you to come here, you're here anyway?!
Bailey - They, um... play good music here
Hybrid Valves - Yeah!
*Hybrid starts dancing*
Bob - Knock that off! Where are the escaped criminals?
schroeder - There they go!
*A group of men are running towards the front exit. The staff chase after them*
*Scene 10*
*Winslow, Snuggly, Darkus and Brad are walking the streets, keeping an eye out. They spot a load of men carjacking someone*
Winslow - Right, men, this is what we've trained for!
Brad - We haven't trained for anything...
*They run over to the men, whip out their truncheons and start cracking skulls. The men drop to their knees in pain*
Peter Jackson - Cut!
*Jackson runs over*
Peter Jackson - What the HELL are you guys doing?!
Winslow - (as a robot) We're stopping these escaped criminals from carjacking this poor, old lady
Peter Jackson - You morons, this is a film set!
Mr Snuggly - Film set? What for?
Peter Jackson - The Grand Theft Auto film! You've ruined the whole shot! These men are actors!
*They look into the car to see the old woman is a butch stunt man in drag*
Darkus - Oops... Sorry, guys. Here, let me help you put your blood back in
Peter Jackson - Right, that's it! I'm not finishing the film! Spielberg can do it with a cast of Ewoks like he planned!
Mr Snuggly - Nooooooooo!
*Scene 11*
*The staff are chasing the men from the Blue Oyster club down an alley way. Guttenberg drives the car in front of them, blocking them off. He gets out just as the staff reach them*
Bob - Freeze, dirtbags!
*The men put their hands up just as Bailey shows up*
Bailey - Out of my way, out of my way! Just what do you guys think you're doing?
schroeder - We're arresting these escaped criminals!
Bailey - They're not escaped criminals! They're the dance act from the club!
*The men look at each other and shrug*
Crook 1 - Um, yeah... that's right. We're the male strippers!
Crook 2 - Yeah, you know, all that YMCA stuff...
*They do the YMCA dance, badly*
Bailey - See?
Guttenberg - Sir...
Bailey - Move that car and let them go... NOW! Move it, move it, move it!
*Guttenberg sighs and backs the car off. The men look at each other, then leg it*
*Scene 12*
*Back at the SR Academy, Tony is addressing the staff*
Tony - You played tricks on the evil boss, you pulled some birds-
Mr Snuggly - (Fonzy) Aaaaaaeeeehhh!
Tony - But you didn't stop the jail break! You call this a Police Academy film!
Brad - Sorry, sir, we tried!
Tony - Forget it! I'll just have to hire Kevin Costner to be my bodyguard
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, he needs the work...
*The End*
Dedicated to Rakuga, who's never seen a Police Academy film in his life.
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*Tony is pacing back and forth next to a huge meeting table. The SR staff wander in*
Tony - Have you lot seen the time? You should've been here at 9!
Darkus - Why, did we miss something good?
Tony - Just sit down and listen up!
*The staff engage in a game of musical chairs, trying to find a seat each. Eventually, they're all sat at the table, eyes fixed on Tony*
Tony - Right, the reason why I've pulled you all away from your usual work-
*Hybrid laughs*
Hybrid Valves - Work? Good one, Tony!
Tony - Yes, quite. Now then, the reason you're all here is because of the alarming rise of crime in this here city. Just the other day, somebody stole half my cars. Luckily, I still have the other 50, but this is not acceptable! Loki was mugged at knife point-
Mr Snuggly - It was a fork, actually. A plastic fork.
*Everyone laughs at loki, who slides down his chair in embarrassment*
Tony - Yes, yes, all very funny. Actually, it is pretty funny. Let's all laugh at loki some more
*Everyone laughs once again*
Tony - You weakling, loki... Ahem, anyway, my point is - we're not safe. So, in a possibly drug induced decision, I'm sending you all off to be trained
schroeder - In self defence?
Bob - In martial arts?
Brad - In finger painting?
Tony - No, no and maybe. You're going to be trained in police methods. You'll be shown how to beat people about the heads with truncheons, stop and question joggers, arrest kids who steal bowling pins and generally annoy the public.
Mr Snuggly - Aw, do we have to? Can't we just shoot at criminals in the arcades like usual?
Tony - No! This is important! I need all of you to be deadly weapons, so you can jump in front of bullets for me. Now, take a five minute smoking break and meet in the car park so I can send you off to boot camp. Does everyone have their permission slips?
*Everyone waves their parent signed forms in the air, except loki*
loki - I, um... forgot mine
*Once again, everyone laughs at loki*
*Scene 2*
*SR Academy, somewhere else in England*
*The staff are dressed in police cadet uniforms, shivering in the cold. Tony goes to address them*
Tony - Now then, you 'orrible little maggots, I-
*Snuggly raises his hand*
Mr Snuggly - Do you have to call us that?
Tony - Quiet you, this might be my only chance to re-enact Full Metal Jacket. Right then, since I can't afford, nor could be bothered to look for, a real military or police consultant, I got the next best thing. Say hello to your trainers...
*A bus pulls up. Steve Guttenberg, Michael Winslow and Bubba Smith climb out, and give a look of disgust at the British weather*
Mr Snuggly - Mahoney! Jones! Hightower!
Michael Winslow - *sigh* I'm not Jones, he's a fictional character. I'm Michael... Michael Winslow
Mr Snuggly - Can you really do all those sound effects, Jonesy?
Michael Winslow - Look, he's a character! I did play OTHER characters you know! You must have seen Space Balls! I was the guy with the sweeps, the creeps and the beeps!
Hybrid Valves - I thought that was Eddie Murphy...
*Winslow slaps his head in desperation. Everyone stares at him*
Michael Winslow - Oh, alright
*He does some machine gun noises. Everybody jumps up and down in excitement*
*Scene 3*
*In the barracks. The trainers are checking everyone's beds*
schroeder - Why do I have to share a room with the lads? They're disgusting!
Guttenberg - Because Tony has the other one all to himself. Now then, the next few weeks are going to be tough. You're going to get up to a lot of hi-jinx, play a lot of tricks on the evil boss, pole some birds and possibly stop a jail break
Mr Snuggly - You've just described every single Police Academy film
Guttenberg - Yes, and that's why my career has failed, which is why I'm here training you lot. At least I had the sense to get out after number 4
*He looks at Winslow and Smith*
Smith - Hey, I had bills to pay. They emptied a suitcase of money onto my desk
Winslow - You got money?! They forced me to do them at gunpoint! Said it wouldn't be Police Academy without the sound effects guy!
Guttenberg - OK, you lot, follow Smith to the obstacle course, we're going to see how fit you are.
*Ten minutes later, the staff are collapsed on their beds, out of breath*
Smith - You guys are TERRIBLE! Never before have I seen such weaklings!
Darkus - Don't blame us, we're computer nerds, we're not SUPPOSED to be fit!
Smith - That's no excuse! If you want to be able to punch lockers, causing them to fall down like a huge stack of dominos, or wrestle a huge fat guy with a beard who bent your badge, you're gonna have to toughen up. You, Hybrid, you couldn't even make it up the wall!
Hybrid Valves - I was looking for the door...
Smith - And you, Bob, you got stuck halfway up the rope!
Bob - It took me till I got halfway up to remember I'm scared of heights...
Smith - Brad, you weren't too bad, except for all the cheating
Brad - I'll finish it SOME day, I swear
Smith - And you, Snuggly, I see all that monkey related news has made you weak! You ran off to have a smoke half way through!
Mr Snuggly - At least I ran, surely that counts for something?
Smith - I can see we're going to need to take serious action to get you lot into shape. So, I called a friend of mine, and he's coming down to give you a motivational speech
*Bobcat Goldthwait walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Zed!
Goldthwait - Argh! I, like, rowrl, want you guys to do REEEAL good, you know? I, I, rargh, like, wanna be proud of you guys! Argh! Roooar!
Hybrid Valves - Are the rumours about you and Sweetchuck true?
Goldthwait - Nowrl! Like, argh, no, I did not have sexual relations with Tim Kazurinsky, rowl! Now, go off and, like, argh! Do well, argh!
*He screams and runs off*
Smith - Heed his words, and use them to push yourself harder each time you fail at the fitness tests
Brad - How will knowing whether or not he was gay with Sweetchuck help us?
*Tony comes in*
Tony - I decided to see how it was going... Learnt how to dive in front of bullets yet?
Winslow - (as Count Dracula) These guys couldn't dive in front of a slow moving bus, sucker
Tony - There could be some disgruntled customer out there, just WAITING to shoot me, and I don't have any staff members to take the bullet for me? This isn't good enough! I see we need more trainers! Lucky for me, G.W. Bailey happens to be a good friend of mine!
Bob - Who?
*G.W. Bailey walks in*
Mr Snuggly - Captain Harris!
Bailey - Shut the hell up! From now on, you'll be taking orders from just one man
Brad - Who?
Bailey - Me, you moron! Now, Guttenberg, you may have outshone me in the films, but Tony has put ME in charge! Now I'm going to take a shower, leaving myself totally open for some cleverly devised trick. I want you all on your feet and ready for a five mile run before I get back... Move it, move it, move it!
schroeder - He said "move it, move it, move it" Yay! My life is now complete!
Guttenberg - A five mile run? Great, just great!
Mr Snuggly - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan
*Scene 4*
*The staff and trainers are doing a cross country run. G.W. Bailey has blue skin, and is seething with rage*
Mr Snuggly - Heh heh heh, the old blue dye replacing the shower gel trick never fails!
Winslow - Now all we need to do is get him to the Blue Oyster club, ha ha
Hybrid Valves - Oh, I love that place, dead friendly atmosphere
*Everybody runs in an uncomfortable silence for a while*
Mr Snuggly - *ahem* Anyway, what's our next trick on old Captain Harris gonna be?
Guttenberg - I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
*Scene 5*
*The firing range. The staff are lined up*
Winslow - Right, you're about to learn how to operate a firearm. Normally, David Graf - aka Tackleberry - would deal with this, but he's in comedy heaven I believe, so you're stuck with me. Now, we have a slight problem. We couldn't bring any guns in, because of your stupid gun laws, and Tony couldn't be bothered to buy us any. However, we did manage to find this SA rifle. It's poorly designed, badly made, prone to failure and looks pap, but if it's good enough for your army, it's good enough for us. Another problem is that we don't have any bullets... So, just aim, pull the trigger, and I'll make the sound effect.
Darkus - So we're not actually shooting at anything? How are we meant to become good shots if we're not even hitting a target?
Winslow - What am I, the answer man? schroeder, you're up first.
*schroeder timidly approaches the range, and is handed the gun by Michael Winslow. She closes her eyes and aims above her head. She pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *bang* Well done! You got a bullseye! Next!
*Hybrid Valves comes up and takes the gun. He aims in the wrong direction*
Winslow - *bang* Another bullseye! I see my work here is done! But we have time for one more
*Snuggly takes the gun, aims, and pulls the trigger*
Winslow - *laser blast* *rocket launcher* *flamethrower* *sheep* Well done, you managed to control it on automatic!
Snuggly - (dancing) Yay me!
Winslow - Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing!
*They pack up and begin to leave*
*Scene 6*
*The staff are lined up. Bubba Smith addresses them*
Smith - The most important thing about being a cop is being able to eat doughnuts, being able to whack random people with your baton, and being able to run red lights. You got that?
All - Yes, sir!
Smith - Good. Congratulations, you've passed
Hybrid Valves - What?
Darkus - Already?
Bob - But we've barely done anything!
Smith - What, you think being a cop is hard? Have any of you actually WATCHED the Police Academy films! We never do ANY work! We just play tricks on Harris then foil a jail break! Except in number 6, when I had to pull on that guy's nose. Other than that, it's plain sailing all the way
Mr Snuggly - So we're all cops?
Smith - Well... not officially, since you've just been trained by a bunch of actors, but that was good enough for Tony, so yeah, you can call yourselves cops if you want
Mr Snuggly - Right! I'm off to stop some joggers!
Darkus - I'm off to arrest some kids for stealing bowling pins! I bet MoJoJoJo's around here SOMEWHERE!
*Guttenberg comes in*
Guttenberg - Alright, listen up, everyone. Winslow and I just heard there's a bank robbery in process, and we're the closest units, so we've been ordered to go and foil it
Tony - But they're not insured for real police work! I only got the "human shield" package! It doesn't cover anything other than diving in front of bullets!
Winslow - Relax, I'm sure they can handle themselves. OK, into the van!
*The staff clamber into the back of a van. Winslow closes the doors*
Winslow - This is gonna be great!
Guttenberg - Ssshhh! Come on, get in
*They climb into the front and drive off. Tony watches on*
*Scene 7*
*The van pulls outside an old warehouse. Guttenberg opens the back doors and the staff climb out, looking confused*
Brad - I thought we were going to a bank?
Guttenberg - We are, this IS the bank
Mr Snuggly - Looks awfully like an old warehouse to me...
Winslow - It's one of those low key banks. Now, here's a water pistol, go in and stop the bank robbers
*They hand Mr Snuggly a pink water pistol, and he leads the staff inside*
Guttenberg - Ha ha
Winslow - They're gonna be so humiliated when all they find is a bunch of workmen playing cards on their break!
*They wait a bit, before they hear several gunshots*
Guttenberg - What the-?
*Mr Snuggly comes out, directing two men in ski masks at gun point. The rest of the staff follow*
Mr Snuggly - One of them resisted arrest, so you'd better call a mortician. That was easy, what's next?
*The staff get into the van*
Winslow - Now that doesn't make one bit of sense!
*Scene 8*
*The staff are sat in the back of the van as Winslow drives. Guttenberg opens the slider and talks to them*
Guttenberg - We've just got a call from Bailey, there's a jail break. We're on our way now to deal with it. Get ready
*The van pulls up and the staff get out. They're at a police station, and there are criminals running all over the place around it*
Guttenberg - Snuggly, Darkus, Brad, you're with Winslow. Hybrid, Bob, schroeder, you're with me. We've got to go and deal with the jail break in several hilarious encounters. OK, break!
*They split off into two groups*
Hybrid Valves - Wait, so who am I with again?
*Scene 9*
*Guttenberg, Hybrid, Bob and schroeder pull up outside the Blue Oyster club*
Guttenberg - We've gotten word that a load of the escaped criminals are in here, so we're gonna go in and bust some skulls, old school style, everyone alright with that?
Hybrid Valves - Do we get pepper spray?
Guttenberg - Yeah, but we don't have any cans of the stuff, we'll have to put it in these water pistols... OK, go, go, go!
*They barge in through the fire escape doors, and a bunch of men dressed like the Village People turn around, a look of surprise on their faces. G.W Bailey tries to hide himself in the crowd*
Guttenberg - Bailey! After all those years of tricking you to come here, you're here anyway?!
Bailey - They, um... play good music here
Hybrid Valves - Yeah!
*Hybrid starts dancing*
Bob - Knock that off! Where are the escaped criminals?
schroeder - There they go!
*A group of men are running towards the front exit. The staff chase after them*
*Scene 10*
*Winslow, Snuggly, Darkus and Brad are walking the streets, keeping an eye out. They spot a load of men carjacking someone*
Winslow - Right, men, this is what we've trained for!
Brad - We haven't trained for anything...
*They run over to the men, whip out their truncheons and start cracking skulls. The men drop to their knees in pain*
Peter Jackson - Cut!
*Jackson runs over*
Peter Jackson - What the HELL are you guys doing?!
Winslow - (as a robot) We're stopping these escaped criminals from carjacking this poor, old lady
Peter Jackson - You morons, this is a film set!
Mr Snuggly - Film set? What for?
Peter Jackson - The Grand Theft Auto film! You've ruined the whole shot! These men are actors!
*They look into the car to see the old woman is a butch stunt man in drag*
Darkus - Oops... Sorry, guys. Here, let me help you put your blood back in
Peter Jackson - Right, that's it! I'm not finishing the film! Spielberg can do it with a cast of Ewoks like he planned!
Mr Snuggly - Nooooooooo!
*Scene 11*
*The staff are chasing the men from the Blue Oyster club down an alley way. Guttenberg drives the car in front of them, blocking them off. He gets out just as the staff reach them*
Bob - Freeze, dirtbags!
*The men put their hands up just as Bailey shows up*
Bailey - Out of my way, out of my way! Just what do you guys think you're doing?
schroeder - We're arresting these escaped criminals!
Bailey - They're not escaped criminals! They're the dance act from the club!
*The men look at each other and shrug*
Crook 1 - Um, yeah... that's right. We're the male strippers!
Crook 2 - Yeah, you know, all that YMCA stuff...
*They do the YMCA dance, badly*
Bailey - See?
Guttenberg - Sir...
Bailey - Move that car and let them go... NOW! Move it, move it, move it!
*Guttenberg sighs and backs the car off. The men look at each other, then leg it*
*Scene 12*
*Back at the SR Academy, Tony is addressing the staff*
Tony - You played tricks on the evil boss, you pulled some birds-
Mr Snuggly - (Fonzy) Aaaaaaeeeehhh!
Tony - But you didn't stop the jail break! You call this a Police Academy film!
Brad - Sorry, sir, we tried!
Tony - Forget it! I'll just have to hire Kevin Costner to be my bodyguard
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, he needs the work...
*The End*
Dedicated to Rakuga, who's never seen a Police Academy film in his life.