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*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*schroeder is sat at her desk, working late, with only a lamp for company*
schroeder - I bet I wouldn't be lumbered with the late shift if I had a boyfriend... stupid other staff members with their stupid social lives...
*A shadow decks her in darkness*
schroeder - What the-?
*A moth flutters by, circles her, then lands on her keyboard*
schroeder - Oh... a moth... Will you be my friend?
*The door breaks down and Hercules runs in, brandishing insect spray*
Hercules - Die, spawn of Satan!
*He pulls a gas mask on and unleashes the awesome power of the can of spray. The room goes misty, and the moth drops down dead. schroeder is coughing uncontrollably*
Hercules - (taking his mask off) No, no! You don't need to thank me... just doing my job
*Hercules winks and gives her the thumbs up, then dashes back through the door*
schroeder - Well there's something you don't see every day... Except when loki got hammered at the last Christmas party...
*Cue opening credits. Stryke appears, dressed as a MothBuster*
Stryke - (singing) Hey, what's that sound?
No, it's not the staff chair racing, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that big brown thing, floating around?
No, it's not one of Hybrid's logs, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that thing dive bombing your head?
No, it's not a kamikaze pilot... it's a moth!
So who you gonna call!
(high pitched voice) MothBusters!
Who's house?
(high pitched voice) MothBuster's house!
Now go buy the soundtrack album!
Before I set Guy Pearce on you!
*Brad runs in*
Brad - Hey... I thought *I* was doing the theme song?
Stryke - No, go away, fool
Brad - Aw come on, I got the Masters Of The Universe set up and everything!
*Goatboy walks in*
Goatboy - Right, we're... What the heck are you two doing here?
Brad - I'm here to do the theme song for the spoof!
Stryke - And I already did it!
Goatboy - But *my* band is meant to be doing the theme!
Stryke - Be gone, before I set some moths on you!
*Brad and Goatboy run off like little girls*
Stryke - Enjoy the spoof. Except you, Lord H, you've probably already stopped reading
*Scene 2*
*MothBusters HQ*
*Hercules, Tom and KR are sat around a table, looking bored, playing cards*
KR - (shouting) Hey, Mystique, bring us another beer will ya?
Mystique - (from another room) Get it yoursel' you lazy piece of-
*The phone rings*
KR - Honestly, I don't know what we pay her for!
Tom - I thought it was for the wild sex?
*Deathly silence*
Tom - What?
Hercules - Ahem... (shouts) Mystique? Who's on the phone?
*Mystique can be heard talking on the phone*
Mystique - Oooh, you naughty boy! You like that, don't you, you bad boy. OK, now I'm hitting you with the paddle... Yeah, that'll learn ya...
KR - Oh, not again!
*KR gets up, goes into the room and hangs the phone up*
Mystique - Hey, what are you doing?! Hybrid is my best customer!
KR - We'll never get any work if you keep tying up the line with your kinky phone service! Leave your hobbies at home, don't bring them into work!
Mystique - Gaaawwd! Not like we'll get any work anyway! Why on EARTH would anyone call up a company, and pay them money, just to get rid of a moth?!
*Hercules walks in*
Hercules - Because moths are killers! They're evil I tells ya! They're straight from the balls of hell!
KR - Um, I think you mean bowels...
Hercules - They're Hitler reincarnated! The world needs people like us, brave souls who put their butts on the line day in and day out, trying to rid the world of a terror greater than all of Gareth Gates' singles put together!
Mystique - But no-one ever calls! The only time we've left other than to get pizza was when you saw there was a moth in schroeder's office! And she didn't even phone us, you were spying on her with those hidden cameras again!
*The phone rings, Mystique answers*
Mystique - Mistress Mysty speaking, how may I hurt you?
Whitestripes - (on the phone) Yes, is this the MothBusters?
Mystique - Um, yeah... I guess
Whitestripes - You can't steal my customers away from me! I'm the only moth exterminator around here! Crawl hack under whatever rock you, um... crawled out of!
Mystique - (handing the phone to Hercules) It's for you
Hercules - Yellow?
Whitestripes - I shall not sleep at night till I know you guys are out of business!
Mystique - I didn't realise we were IN business
Hercules - Would you please stop eavesdropping, I'm trying to talk on the phone here!
*Mystique walks off, winking at Tom. Tom runs after her, unzipping his fly*
Hercules - Sorry, what were you saying?
Whitestripes - Stay away from my turf! I'm the only moth hunter around here!
Hercules - Mum, is that you?
Whitestripes - No, you fool! 'Tis I! Whitestripes! Famous moth hunter!
Hercules - So what's for tea?
Whitestripes - I'm not your mum!
Hercules - I'll have to talk to you later, mum, I'm at work. Love you!
*he hangs up*
Hercules - OK, we need work... we're going to have to spend some money on advertising
KR - But we don't have any money!
Hercules - (opening his piggy bank) Nonsense! We have... 56p and a foreign coin... What the heck happened to our money?!
KR - I think Tom's been giving it to Mystique for-
Hercules - Never mind! We'll just have to raise some money... I know! We can charge people to bust their moths!
KR - Um... that's what we're doing in the first place... and we don't have any money because nobody wants their moths busting
Hercules - Oh, yeah... right... Um... How about a Bring & Buy sale, they always worked well on Blue Peter!
KR - Do we have anything to sell?
Hercules - How about Goatboy's CDs?
KR - Yeah, good idea. Or we could finally charge him some rent! Come on
*They go upstairs and knock on Goatboy's door*
Goatboy - (on the other side of the door) What is it?
Hercules - Um, we need a word with you
*Goatboy opens the door slightly, and peers around it*
Goatboy - What is it? Can't you see I'm busy poling some bird?
KR - We need some of your CDs so we can sell them
Goatboy - Never! My CDs are my life, man!
Hercules - Aw come on, you use them as beer mats!
Goatboy - Go steal Rasta's, he has about 50 Counting Crows CDs
KR - Well can we at least have some rent? You've been in our spare room for over a month and you never pay anything
Goatboy - Look, I told you, I pay you in the birds I bring back! Every time I pull a bird, she comes with an ugly friend, I've always said you can have them
Hercules - But we don't want the ugly ones!
Goatboy - Well you ain't gettin' mine! Now begone, I have some more devastation to deal out
*He slams the door*
KR - Great! Now what do we do?
Hercules - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan...
*Scene 3*
*A local police station. Hercules and KR are in a cell*
KR - Well that didn't work
Hercules - Stupid anti body snatching laws
*Tom appears*
KR - Tom! Thank God you've come to see us!
Tom - Actually, I'm here visiting Mystique, she was picked up in Middlesbrough- I mean, yeah, of course I'm here to see you guys... I have good news too, looks like we're not gonna go bust after all. I hear SR has a HUGE moth problem! They want to get you two out so we can go deal with it!
Hercules - Excellent!
*A policeman opens the cell door and they both walk out. They head towards the exit*
KR - Aren't you coming, Tom?
Tom - Um... I'll be along in a minute...
*Hercules and KR walk off*
Mystique - (in her cell) Hey, big boy, glad you came, I was getting bored here by myself!
*Scene 4*
*SR Towers*
*In the main reception area of SR towers, Tony is pacing back and forth, looking worried. The doors burst open and Hercules, KR and Tom enter, looking proud in their shiny MothBusters uniforms*
Hercules - (in a manly voice) I hear you have a moth problem
Tony - Yeah, we... why are you talking like that?
Hercules - (in an even manlier voice) This? This is my natural voice. I'm incredibly manly, you know
Tony - Mystique is manlier than you, now stop acting hard and come and get rid of these moths
Hercules - (back to his normal, squeaky voice) Yes, sir
KR - So what's the problem?
Tony - We've been invaded! At first we thought it was ghosts, so we called the Ghost Busters. Then we thought it was aliens, so we called the Men In Black. Then we realised it was just moths, and loki rang you accidentally while trying to find a Vietnamese bride service.
Tom - See? I told you it was a good idea to make our number "Me Love You Long Time"
Hercules - OK, clear out the premises... this could get ugly
Tony - Excuse me?
Hercules - Well you don't expect us to work with civilians in the area? They could get caught in the crossfire, and I ain't going to a military court because some moron strays into my line of fire!
KR - Um, Hercules? We have insect spray... and rolled up newspapers.
Hercules - Deadly weapons!
Tony - (whispering) Is he alright?
Tom - Oh, don't worry about him, he always goes into Rambo mode when we're about to get rid of some moths
Tony - Well, I sure as heck can't close the entire building down! We need to get the latest magazine out, or DW is coming 'round here with some heavies! And Snuggly has about thirty GADs to pick
KR - He fell behind?
Tony - No, we lost the key to his office. I think Hybrid mistook it for the keys to his handcuffs or something...
*Uncomfortable silence*
Tony - Well, that's why they call him THE bad person. All those Kid Loco songs have turned his brains to mush... Right, anyway, um, the building is all yours. Just try not to disturb the staff, they're busy laughing at the forum users photos on that Special Observe thing. Er, we have a canteen in case you get hungry. Food is poop, but then what do you expect from a canteen? Good luck gentlemen!
Hercules - Luck is for losers. I have killer instincts...
*Tony looks puzzled before he walks off to one of his many cars*
KR - OK, so what do we do?
Hercules - First we set up a parameter, seal off every door and window, make sure no moths can escape. Get the tape.
KR - Affirmative
*KR runs off and starts unravelling "Caution! Do Not Cross - MothBusters Busting Moths" tape everywhere*
Hercules - Tom, you go on recon, find the central hive of moths, so we can set our explosives and get rid of them in one deadly swoop
Tom - Rodger! Wait, no... we don't have any explosives...
Hercules - What are you talking about? I packed them myself
Tom - (rummaging through the bag) You mean these fireworks?
Hercules - Hey, they're about to be banned! Deadly weapons, they are
Tom - Riiiight. Well, I'll find the moths, and report back to you. What are you going to do?
Hercules - I'm going to reassure the staff that there's nothing to worry about, and that everything is being dealt with
Tom - OK
*They part ways. Tom walks into a door blocked off by KR's tape*
Tom - I knew we shouldn't have bought this stuff in bulk...
*Scene 5*
*Snuggly is sat in his office with Darkus*
Snuggly - Yeah, you're right, there IS a shortage of fit birds here...
Darkus - Should we, like, you know... do what we did last time?
Snuggly - You got the number?
Darkus - (picking up the phone and dialling) Hello? Is that Stryke's Strippers? We need about thirty girls sent to SR towers... yeah, that's right, the building with all the computer nerds in... and we want NICE looking strippers this time, Stryke, not random girls you picked up on the way here. And no Welsh birds! Right, OK, we'll pay you when you get here... thanks a lot...
*Darkus hangs up*
Snuggly - Well?
Darkus - They're on their way
Snuggly - Yes! I'll get the baby lotion
*The speaker system bursts into life. Hercules is speaking*
Hercules - Citizens of SR towers, do not be alarmed. There are extremely dangerous killer beasts in the building. Do not be alarmed. My team of mercenaries and I are currently planting explosives and chemical weaponry to deal with the problem, Please, continue with your work. Do not be alarmed. If you see one of these evil, slavering monsters, do not approach. Report it to one of my team and we will deal with the problem. The explosives are set to go off in ten minutes. Please, do not be alarmed... oh, and Snuggly, if you're listening... can I have a GAD?
Darkus - Killer monsters?!
Snuggly - Explosives?!
Both - Arrrrrgggghhh!!!
*They run around in circles for a minute or two, before they gather their senses and try to get through the door*
Darkus - What the-? The door's locked!
Snuggly - Argh! The janitor must be drunk again!
Darkus - Where's your key?!
Snuggly – (checking his pockets) It's right here- ... Curse you, Hybrid!
Darkus - Oh, not again!
*They bang on the door for a while*
Darkus - Why did Tony have to make these doors soundproof?!
Snuggly - In case he needs to murder one of us, and we scream too loud!
Darkus - We haven't got long before those explosives go off!
Snuggly - I know! I'll use my mobile phone to call for help!
*Snuggly produces a huge phone*
Darkus - Not exactly mobile, is it?
Snuggly - Shut up, this thing is gonna save our lives!
*Snuggly starts hitting the huge buttons*
Darkus - That's not a phone, it's a brick. In fact, it's not even a brick, it's a bloomin' briefcase!
*Snuggly hits his phone against the wall*
Darkus - What is it?
Snuggly - I'm not getting a signal!
Darkus - Must be the lead walls in this room, Tony was paranoid about nuclear bombs and Superman!
Snuggly - We're gonna die! Either the monsters will eat us, or we'll be blown up!
*They cower in each others arms. A moth flies in through the air conditioning*
Snuggly - I know! We can crawl through the air vents to safety!
Darkus - Are you sure? Seems awfully clichéd...
Snuggly - Hey, it worked in Spam Hard, when I had to save you all from the evil Stryke!
Darkus - But, um, Stryke owns a strip club right now, and didn't you shoot him in that one?
Snuggly - Continuity doesn't matter! It's only a spoof!
Darkus - Lord H would disagree with you there...
Snuggly - Yeah, but I banned him
*They clamber into the air vents*
*Scene 6*
*Hercules and Tom are on the top floor of SR towers. Staff members are running around in circles, scared witless about the impending explosion or the prospect of being attacked by giant monsters*
Tom - Um, what did you tell them?
Hercules - Just that there's some moths in the building. Guess they're as scared of them as I am
Tom - Riiiight. Well, the firewor- I mean "explosives" are all set. I found the moths in that cupboard over there. All we need to do is light them.
Hercules - Right, you do that, I'll take cover
Tom - But they're only...
*Hercules pulls an army helmet out of his bag and puts it on. He produces safety goggles and slaps them onto his head, then runs and hides behind a desk on the other side of the room. Tom sighs, and lights the fireworks*
Hercules - (screaming) Fire in the hole!
*The fireworks fizzle and spit a bit, then die out. Hercules raises his head from behind the desk, his fingers still stuck in his ears*
Hercules - Eh?
Tom - I told you...
Hercules - Darn it! The C4 must've been damaged somehow! We'll have to go to plan B!
Tom - I didn't even know we had a plan A...
Hercules - Get the insect spray, we'll have to engage in mortal combat with the moths... I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. Tom, if I don't make it out, tell my family I love them
*He hugs Tom*
Tom - Um...
*Hercules pulls his bag open and grabs a walkie talkie*
Hercules - KR? Come in, KR! The explosives didn't work, these moths are even tougher than I thought, we're going to plan B
KR - Rodger! Wait... what's plan B? Does it involve modifying the van, A-team style?
Hercules - Meet us upstairs, I'll give you a sidearm, then we're going to breach the cupboard and take it to those blood sucking moths
KR - Can I speak to Tom?
Hercules - Yeah, sure
*He hands the walkie talkie to Tom*
KR - Did he forget to take his medication this morning?
*Scene 7*
*The MothBusters are getting kitted out. Hercules is handing out riot gear, complete with shields*
KR - Is all this necessary?
Hercules - If you think I'm going in that cupboard unprepared, think again! You can't trust moths! They'll swarm us as soon as we step foot in there!
Tom - Do we really need rape whistles?
Hercules - Hey, you never know, some of these moths could be pretty butch... Right, is everyone ready?
KR - I can't see because of this stupid helmet!
Hercules - Hey, that stupid helmet will save your life! OK, let's do this thing
*They march up to the cupboard, cans on spray in hand. Hercules gives some obscure hand signal to KR. KR looks oblivious*
Hercules - That's the signal to "kick down the cupboard door with all the moths inside"!
KR - I thought it was "Will you marry me?" so I didn't dignify it with a response
Hercules - Never mind, I'll do it myself
*Hercules rolls towards the cupboard, and puts his hand on the handle*
Tom - Does the rolling help?
Hercules - Ssssh! I can hear them!
KR - Oh for goodness sake!
*Hercules kicks the door in*
Hercules - Freeeeedooooom!
*He screams and runs in. KR and Tom look at each other, shrug, then step into the tiny cupboard*
*Total darkness*
KR - Hey, get your elbow out of my crotch
Tom - That's not my elbow...
KR - Do you see any killer moths in here, Hercules?
Tom - I can't see anything...
KR - Hey, maybe we'll get to Narnia! Let's try it
*KR takes a step forward. They hear a loud bump as he walks right into the back of the cupboard*
KR - Ow, I bit my tongue
Tom - This is stupid! Let's get out of here before Hybrid comes and takes a photo of us, huddled together all comfy in a dark cupboard.
KR - Yeah, come on, Hercules, the moths must've gone.
*They drag Hercules out*
Hercules - But I was so sure we'd come under attack once we went in...
Tom - We all make mistakes, yadda yadda. Let's get out of here, and out of these lycra uniforms.
KR - I dunno, I kind of like them...
Tom - I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
*KR and Tom leave, Hercules starts to follow, before he stops and turns around to face the cupboard. His eyes shift back and forth*
Hercules - (long pause) ... Get down!!!
*The cupboard doors explode in a shower of splinters, and a black and brown sea of moths appears, flapping in unison. They circle the fallen Hercules. Tom and KR come running back*
Tom - Oh my God!
KR - Oh your God!
*Hercules scrambles to his feet*
Hercules - (slow motion) Ruuuuuuuun!
*He runs past the pair, and drags them by their arms. The furious swarm of moths devours what's left of the cupboard, then begins chasing the MothBusters. Bob steps out of his office*
Bob - What's all the ruckus, some of us are trying to sleep, you know!
*He sees the black and brown mass of death, but it's too late, they've already engulfed him. When they fly off, what's left of Bob's skeleton collapses in a heap on the floor*
Bob - That's going to leave a mark...
*Scene 8*
*The MothBusters are hiding in a stock room*
KR - Hey, they have the Playstation 3 in here...
Tom - I can't believe it... the moths... they were attacking us!
*Hercules looks smug*
Tom - After all these years, Hercules was right!
*Hercules looks even smugger*
Tom - You can stop that, you know, you'll never be as smug as Stryke.
Hercules - I told you two, I told you that moths were evil!
KR - What are we going to do?
Hercules - We're going to have to fight fire with fire, I suggest we flap our arms really fast, and climb on each other's shoulders. We'll create our OWN swarm, and do battle with the moths!
Tom - Well, yes, that's one idea, but how about something a little less mental?
KR - Well, we still have our cans of spray
Hercules - I left them in my bag, back in that room
Tom - Oh great (!) Well, we'll have to find the most gullible person to go and get them, then
*Darkus and Snuggly crash through the ceiling and land hard on the floor. The MothBusters look at them, smiling*
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly is crawling through the vents, mumbling to himself*
Snuggly - Don't see why I have to... good for nothing cowards... why I oughta... I should be the one giving the orders...
*He stops, and talks into a walkie talkie*
Snuggly - I see the room. There are moths everywhere, they're covering the bag.
Hercules - OK, lower yourself into the room...
*Snuggly opens a vent and drops into the corner of the room*
Snuggly - Right... then what?
Hercules - Flap your arms like a chicken and make funny noises, while the moths are eating you to death, we'll run in and grab the bag
Snuggly - What?! Fun you!
Hercules - Alright, alright... you can flap your arms like a turkey if it'll make you feel better
Snuggly - Look, I'll just grab the bag, and run for it. After all, they're only moths
Hercules - That's what Bob said, as they ate him
Snuggly - He said that?
Hercules - Well, no, it was really more of a blood curdling scream of terror and agony...
Snuggly - Wait, if Bob's dead, then I can keep the £10 I owed him! Woo! Ahem, sorry. I'll just grab the bag, and run back. Over and out.
*Snuggly puts the walkie talkie in his pocket and starts sneaking over to the bag. He steps on a twig, and the noise alerts the moths, working them up into a frenzy*
Snuggly - Why the heck is there a twig inside a building? I mean - "Uh oh!"
*He starts running towards the bag as the moths shoot towards him in a big cloud. It looks like they're about to reach the bag first*
Snuggly - What the heck was I thinking, running TOWARDS the moths?!
*He runs past the bag, slipping his hand into the strap as he shoots by, then turns and starts to run out the door. He makes it out and slams it behind him. He leans back and tries to catch his breath, before he sees the moths are eating their way through the door*
Snuggly - Why me?
*He starts running again, but the moths have already chowed down on the door, and are in hot pursuit. Snuggly starts rummaging through the bag as he runs. In a move Max Payne would be proud of, he dives forward, turning in midair as he pulls two cans of insect spray out of the bag. He starts spraying the thick cloud of angry insects as he flies through the air. The deadly swarm pulls back, dead moths dropping by the dozen. Snuggly lands, does a backwards roll and ends up back on his feet, running again. He stops for a second*
Snuggly - Wow, that was a really cool move!
*He turns to run again, and bumps right into a door frame*
*Scene 10*
*Snuggly bursts into the storeroom, trying to catch his breath*
Snuggly - I... I... I made it, guys... I... I got the... cans
Hercules - Great! But, um... I remembered we all have backup cans in our belts...
*Snuggly's eyes close and he drops to the floor*
Hercules - Sorry...
*Moments later, the MothBusters are getting kitted out... again. Darkus is trying to revive Snuggly*
Hercules - You civilians had better stay here, let the pros handle this!
Darkus - Pros? Who the heck ARE you guys?!
Hercules - Back off, man, I'm a scientist
Tom - Well, he's doing GCSE science... that's close enough
Hercules - We're the MothBusters! Hired to rid the world of evil, namely moths
KR - Evil moths
Hercules - All moths are evil! Right, here's the plan. I'm sure there's some sort of queen moth we can kill, and if we kill it, for no apparent reason all the other moths will stop attacking everyone, and we win. OK, team, let's go. First, the secret MothBusters handshake
Tom - We don't HAVE a secret MothBusters handshake...
Hercules - Really? I thought we went through that. Well, no time to show you now, anyway, I don't trust this guy... he could be a moth in disguise...
Darkus - Me?
Hercules - He's trying to talk to us... don't make eye contact
Tom - Oh, Lord...
*Scene 11*
*The MothBusters are walking, in slow motion, down a corridor towards the room. KR manages to trip up*
Hercules - Right lads, get ready. As soon as we're in there, go for the queen moth. I'm sure it's big and disgusting
*Hercules rolls forward and opens the door. They sprint into the room, which is full of swarm after swarm of moths*
Tom - My God...
Hercules - I've never seen so much evil... pure, concentrated evil...
KR - I'm hungry
Hercules - Pull 'em!
*They each pull a can of insect spray from their belts*
Hercules - Make 'em hot!
Tom - Excuse me?
KR - I think he means shake them up
*They all shake their cans*
KR - Hur hur hur, if only Mystique could see us doing this
Hercules - When I give the signal, unleash hell
Tom - We really need to stop him watching so many films
Hercules - Now!
*The moths notice the gang, and start swirling around the room as they each dive forward, spraying everything in sight. KR is instantly engulfed in moths. He tries to brush them off, but it's no use*
Hercules - I'll avenge you, my loyal warrior!
*The two remaining MothBusters battle the moths, constantly taking cover behind desks and chairs, only to have them eaten away by the hordes of airborne insects. The noise of flapping wings is deafening*
Tom - I'm out!
*Tom discards his empty can of spray, and produces a rolled up newspaper. He begins swinging it wildly*
Hercules - Tom, watch out!
*Tom turns around to see a sea of black and brown moths dive bombing their way towards him*
Tom - Noooooooo!
*The moths descend on Tom, covering him from head to toe. He slowly tries to swat them with his paper, but eventually drops to the floor*
Hercules - It's all up to me... Time to show them what I'm made of... I am HERCULES! Avenger against moths! Die demon spawn!
*He jumps out from behind his cover, and runs in slow motion towards the centre of the room, a can of spray in each hand. Moths drop dead left and right as he continually sprays everywhere*
Hercules - (drawn out) Diiiiiiieeeeee!
*Hercules sees the queen moth, it's the size of a football and is sat in the middle of the room, an army of moths surrounding it*
Hercules - I've got you now!
*Hercules manages to trip up on his own shoe laces. He crashes to the floor, and tries to reach out with his arm in a vein attempt to spray the queen. Moths start crawling all over his body as he tries to inch closer and closer to the nest. They're all over his body now, crawling in and out of his mouth*
Hercules - No... must... kill... queen!
*He starts to get up, but then collapses on the ground again, his head dropping. The moths totally cover his body, but then shoot off in different directions as an air vent cover drops down and lands by Hercules. Snuggly drops down, a can of spray in each hand, and manages to keep the moths at bay*
Snuggly - Come on, man, Hercules, hurry up! I'm double parked!
*Heroic music plays as Hercules lifts his head, spits out a moth, then drags himself along the ground till he comes up on the queen. He raises his hand and presses his finger on the nozzle of the can. The queen tries to move it's fat body, but the mist surrounds it and it chokes on the poisonous fumes*
Hercules - Got you, suckas!
*Inexplicably, all the moths in the room drop down dead. Snuggly gives a sigh of relief as Hercules drags himself to his feet*
Hercules - I... I did it! I saved SR from the evil power of the moths! I'm... I'm a hero! Hurrah!
*Tony walks in and sees the mess*
Tony - What the heck? I leave you lot alone for half an hour, and what do I find? The place has been turned into a morgue for moths! What happened?
Hercules - The moths almost destroyed SR towers, but my team and I saved the day. Couldn't have done it without Snuggly's help, though!
Snuggly - No, you can't have a GAD
Tony - Well, kudos
Hercules - There's just the small matter of payment now... We used up a lot of resources on this mission, and I did lose two of my team. I think £100,000 should just about cover it
Tony - Well, now, here's the problem. You just said yourself, you couldn't have done it without Snuggly, and he's already on my pay roll, so the way I see it is he did all the work, and I don't owe you squat
Hercules - Well that's just great
*The End*
Dedicated to the men and women who risk their lives every day, keeping us safe from moths
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*schroeder is sat at her desk, working late, with only a lamp for company*
schroeder - I bet I wouldn't be lumbered with the late shift if I had a boyfriend... stupid other staff members with their stupid social lives...
*A shadow decks her in darkness*
schroeder - What the-?
*A moth flutters by, circles her, then lands on her keyboard*
schroeder - Oh... a moth... Will you be my friend?
*The door breaks down and Hercules runs in, brandishing insect spray*
Hercules - Die, spawn of Satan!
*He pulls a gas mask on and unleashes the awesome power of the can of spray. The room goes misty, and the moth drops down dead. schroeder is coughing uncontrollably*
Hercules - (taking his mask off) No, no! You don't need to thank me... just doing my job
*Hercules winks and gives her the thumbs up, then dashes back through the door*
schroeder - Well there's something you don't see every day... Except when loki got hammered at the last Christmas party...
*Cue opening credits. Stryke appears, dressed as a MothBuster*
Stryke - (singing) Hey, what's that sound?
No, it's not the staff chair racing, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that big brown thing, floating around?
No, it's not one of Hybrid's logs, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that thing dive bombing your head?
No, it's not a kamikaze pilot... it's a moth!
So who you gonna call!
(high pitched voice) MothBusters!
Who's house?
(high pitched voice) MothBuster's house!
Now go buy the soundtrack album!
Before I set Guy Pearce on you!
*Brad runs in*
Brad - Hey... I thought *I* was doing the theme song?
Stryke - No, go away, fool
Brad - Aw come on, I got the Masters Of The Universe set up and everything!
*Goatboy walks in*
Goatboy - Right, we're... What the heck are you two doing here?
Brad - I'm here to do the theme song for the spoof!
Stryke - And I already did it!
Goatboy - But *my* band is meant to be doing the theme!
Stryke - Be gone, before I set some moths on you!
*Brad and Goatboy run off like little girls*
Stryke - Enjoy the spoof. Except you, Lord H, you've probably already stopped reading
*Scene 2*
*MothBusters HQ*
*Hercules, Tom and KR are sat around a table, looking bored, playing cards*
KR - (shouting) Hey, Mystique, bring us another beer will ya?
Mystique - (from another room) Get it yoursel' you lazy piece of-
*The phone rings*
KR - Honestly, I don't know what we pay her for!
Tom - I thought it was for the wild sex?
*Deathly silence*
Tom - What?
Hercules - Ahem... (shouts) Mystique? Who's on the phone?
*Mystique can be heard talking on the phone*
Mystique - Oooh, you naughty boy! You like that, don't you, you bad boy. OK, now I'm hitting you with the paddle... Yeah, that'll learn ya...
KR - Oh, not again!
*KR gets up, goes into the room and hangs the phone up*
Mystique - Hey, what are you doing?! Hybrid is my best customer!
KR - We'll never get any work if you keep tying up the line with your kinky phone service! Leave your hobbies at home, don't bring them into work!
Mystique - Gaaawwd! Not like we'll get any work anyway! Why on EARTH would anyone call up a company, and pay them money, just to get rid of a moth?!
*Hercules walks in*
Hercules - Because moths are killers! They're evil I tells ya! They're straight from the balls of hell!
KR - Um, I think you mean bowels...
Hercules - They're Hitler reincarnated! The world needs people like us, brave souls who put their butts on the line day in and day out, trying to rid the world of a terror greater than all of Gareth Gates' singles put together!
Mystique - But no-one ever calls! The only time we've left other than to get pizza was when you saw there was a moth in schroeder's office! And she didn't even phone us, you were spying on her with those hidden cameras again!
*The phone rings, Mystique answers*
Mystique - Mistress Mysty speaking, how may I hurt you?
Whitestripes - (on the phone) Yes, is this the MothBusters?
Mystique - Um, yeah... I guess
Whitestripes - You can't steal my customers away from me! I'm the only moth exterminator around here! Crawl hack under whatever rock you, um... crawled out of!
Mystique - (handing the phone to Hercules) It's for you
Hercules - Yellow?
Whitestripes - I shall not sleep at night till I know you guys are out of business!
Mystique - I didn't realise we were IN business
Hercules - Would you please stop eavesdropping, I'm trying to talk on the phone here!
*Mystique walks off, winking at Tom. Tom runs after her, unzipping his fly*
Hercules - Sorry, what were you saying?
Whitestripes - Stay away from my turf! I'm the only moth hunter around here!
Hercules - Mum, is that you?
Whitestripes - No, you fool! 'Tis I! Whitestripes! Famous moth hunter!
Hercules - So what's for tea?
Whitestripes - I'm not your mum!
Hercules - I'll have to talk to you later, mum, I'm at work. Love you!
*he hangs up*
Hercules - OK, we need work... we're going to have to spend some money on advertising
KR - But we don't have any money!
Hercules - (opening his piggy bank) Nonsense! We have... 56p and a foreign coin... What the heck happened to our money?!
KR - I think Tom's been giving it to Mystique for-
Hercules - Never mind! We'll just have to raise some money... I know! We can charge people to bust their moths!
KR - Um... that's what we're doing in the first place... and we don't have any money because nobody wants their moths busting
Hercules - Oh, yeah... right... Um... How about a Bring & Buy sale, they always worked well on Blue Peter!
KR - Do we have anything to sell?
Hercules - How about Goatboy's CDs?
KR - Yeah, good idea. Or we could finally charge him some rent! Come on
*They go upstairs and knock on Goatboy's door*
Goatboy - (on the other side of the door) What is it?
Hercules - Um, we need a word with you
*Goatboy opens the door slightly, and peers around it*
Goatboy - What is it? Can't you see I'm busy poling some bird?
KR - We need some of your CDs so we can sell them
Goatboy - Never! My CDs are my life, man!
Hercules - Aw come on, you use them as beer mats!
Goatboy - Go steal Rasta's, he has about 50 Counting Crows CDs
KR - Well can we at least have some rent? You've been in our spare room for over a month and you never pay anything
Goatboy - Look, I told you, I pay you in the birds I bring back! Every time I pull a bird, she comes with an ugly friend, I've always said you can have them
Hercules - But we don't want the ugly ones!
Goatboy - Well you ain't gettin' mine! Now begone, I have some more devastation to deal out
*He slams the door*
KR - Great! Now what do we do?
Hercules - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan...
*Scene 3*
*A local police station. Hercules and KR are in a cell*
KR - Well that didn't work
Hercules - Stupid anti body snatching laws
*Tom appears*
KR - Tom! Thank God you've come to see us!
Tom - Actually, I'm here visiting Mystique, she was picked up in Middlesbrough- I mean, yeah, of course I'm here to see you guys... I have good news too, looks like we're not gonna go bust after all. I hear SR has a HUGE moth problem! They want to get you two out so we can go deal with it!
Hercules - Excellent!
*A policeman opens the cell door and they both walk out. They head towards the exit*
KR - Aren't you coming, Tom?
Tom - Um... I'll be along in a minute...
*Hercules and KR walk off*
Mystique - (in her cell) Hey, big boy, glad you came, I was getting bored here by myself!
*Scene 4*
*SR Towers*
*In the main reception area of SR towers, Tony is pacing back and forth, looking worried. The doors burst open and Hercules, KR and Tom enter, looking proud in their shiny MothBusters uniforms*
Hercules - (in a manly voice) I hear you have a moth problem
Tony - Yeah, we... why are you talking like that?
Hercules - (in an even manlier voice) This? This is my natural voice. I'm incredibly manly, you know
Tony - Mystique is manlier than you, now stop acting hard and come and get rid of these moths
Hercules - (back to his normal, squeaky voice) Yes, sir
KR - So what's the problem?
Tony - We've been invaded! At first we thought it was ghosts, so we called the Ghost Busters. Then we thought it was aliens, so we called the Men In Black. Then we realised it was just moths, and loki rang you accidentally while trying to find a Vietnamese bride service.
Tom - See? I told you it was a good idea to make our number "Me Love You Long Time"
Hercules - OK, clear out the premises... this could get ugly
Tony - Excuse me?
Hercules - Well you don't expect us to work with civilians in the area? They could get caught in the crossfire, and I ain't going to a military court because some moron strays into my line of fire!
KR - Um, Hercules? We have insect spray... and rolled up newspapers.
Hercules - Deadly weapons!
Tony - (whispering) Is he alright?
Tom - Oh, don't worry about him, he always goes into Rambo mode when we're about to get rid of some moths
Tony - Well, I sure as heck can't close the entire building down! We need to get the latest magazine out, or DW is coming 'round here with some heavies! And Snuggly has about thirty GADs to pick
KR - He fell behind?
Tony - No, we lost the key to his office. I think Hybrid mistook it for the keys to his handcuffs or something...
*Uncomfortable silence*
Tony - Well, that's why they call him THE bad person. All those Kid Loco songs have turned his brains to mush... Right, anyway, um, the building is all yours. Just try not to disturb the staff, they're busy laughing at the forum users photos on that Special Observe thing. Er, we have a canteen in case you get hungry. Food is poop, but then what do you expect from a canteen? Good luck gentlemen!
Hercules - Luck is for losers. I have killer instincts...
*Tony looks puzzled before he walks off to one of his many cars*
KR - OK, so what do we do?
Hercules - First we set up a parameter, seal off every door and window, make sure no moths can escape. Get the tape.
KR - Affirmative
*KR runs off and starts unravelling "Caution! Do Not Cross - MothBusters Busting Moths" tape everywhere*
Hercules - Tom, you go on recon, find the central hive of moths, so we can set our explosives and get rid of them in one deadly swoop
Tom - Rodger! Wait, no... we don't have any explosives...
Hercules - What are you talking about? I packed them myself
Tom - (rummaging through the bag) You mean these fireworks?
Hercules - Hey, they're about to be banned! Deadly weapons, they are
Tom - Riiiight. Well, I'll find the moths, and report back to you. What are you going to do?
Hercules - I'm going to reassure the staff that there's nothing to worry about, and that everything is being dealt with
Tom - OK
*They part ways. Tom walks into a door blocked off by KR's tape*
Tom - I knew we shouldn't have bought this stuff in bulk...
*Scene 5*
*Snuggly is sat in his office with Darkus*
Snuggly - Yeah, you're right, there IS a shortage of fit birds here...
Darkus - Should we, like, you know... do what we did last time?
Snuggly - You got the number?
Darkus - (picking up the phone and dialling) Hello? Is that Stryke's Strippers? We need about thirty girls sent to SR towers... yeah, that's right, the building with all the computer nerds in... and we want NICE looking strippers this time, Stryke, not random girls you picked up on the way here. And no Welsh birds! Right, OK, we'll pay you when you get here... thanks a lot...
*Darkus hangs up*
Snuggly - Well?
Darkus - They're on their way
Snuggly - Yes! I'll get the baby lotion
*The speaker system bursts into life. Hercules is speaking*
Hercules - Citizens of SR towers, do not be alarmed. There are extremely dangerous killer beasts in the building. Do not be alarmed. My team of mercenaries and I are currently planting explosives and chemical weaponry to deal with the problem, Please, continue with your work. Do not be alarmed. If you see one of these evil, slavering monsters, do not approach. Report it to one of my team and we will deal with the problem. The explosives are set to go off in ten minutes. Please, do not be alarmed... oh, and Snuggly, if you're listening... can I have a GAD?
Darkus - Killer monsters?!
Snuggly - Explosives?!
Both - Arrrrrgggghhh!!!
*They run around in circles for a minute or two, before they gather their senses and try to get through the door*
Darkus - What the-? The door's locked!
Snuggly - Argh! The janitor must be drunk again!
Darkus - Where's your key?!
Snuggly – (checking his pockets) It's right here- ... Curse you, Hybrid!
Darkus - Oh, not again!
*They bang on the door for a while*
Darkus - Why did Tony have to make these doors soundproof?!
Snuggly - In case he needs to murder one of us, and we scream too loud!
Darkus - We haven't got long before those explosives go off!
Snuggly - I know! I'll use my mobile phone to call for help!
*Snuggly produces a huge phone*
Darkus - Not exactly mobile, is it?
Snuggly - Shut up, this thing is gonna save our lives!
*Snuggly starts hitting the huge buttons*
Darkus - That's not a phone, it's a brick. In fact, it's not even a brick, it's a bloomin' briefcase!
*Snuggly hits his phone against the wall*
Darkus - What is it?
Snuggly - I'm not getting a signal!
Darkus - Must be the lead walls in this room, Tony was paranoid about nuclear bombs and Superman!
Snuggly - We're gonna die! Either the monsters will eat us, or we'll be blown up!
*They cower in each others arms. A moth flies in through the air conditioning*
Snuggly - I know! We can crawl through the air vents to safety!
Darkus - Are you sure? Seems awfully clichéd...
Snuggly - Hey, it worked in Spam Hard, when I had to save you all from the evil Stryke!
Darkus - But, um, Stryke owns a strip club right now, and didn't you shoot him in that one?
Snuggly - Continuity doesn't matter! It's only a spoof!
Darkus - Lord H would disagree with you there...
Snuggly - Yeah, but I banned him
*They clamber into the air vents*
*Scene 6*
*Hercules and Tom are on the top floor of SR towers. Staff members are running around in circles, scared witless about the impending explosion or the prospect of being attacked by giant monsters*
Tom - Um, what did you tell them?
Hercules - Just that there's some moths in the building. Guess they're as scared of them as I am
Tom - Riiiight. Well, the firewor- I mean "explosives" are all set. I found the moths in that cupboard over there. All we need to do is light them.
Hercules - Right, you do that, I'll take cover
Tom - But they're only...
*Hercules pulls an army helmet out of his bag and puts it on. He produces safety goggles and slaps them onto his head, then runs and hides behind a desk on the other side of the room. Tom sighs, and lights the fireworks*
Hercules - (screaming) Fire in the hole!
*The fireworks fizzle and spit a bit, then die out. Hercules raises his head from behind the desk, his fingers still stuck in his ears*
Hercules - Eh?
Tom - I told you...
Hercules - Darn it! The C4 must've been damaged somehow! We'll have to go to plan B!
Tom - I didn't even know we had a plan A...
Hercules - Get the insect spray, we'll have to engage in mortal combat with the moths... I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. Tom, if I don't make it out, tell my family I love them
*He hugs Tom*
Tom - Um...
*Hercules pulls his bag open and grabs a walkie talkie*
Hercules - KR? Come in, KR! The explosives didn't work, these moths are even tougher than I thought, we're going to plan B
KR - Rodger! Wait... what's plan B? Does it involve modifying the van, A-team style?
Hercules - Meet us upstairs, I'll give you a sidearm, then we're going to breach the cupboard and take it to those blood sucking moths
KR - Can I speak to Tom?
Hercules - Yeah, sure
*He hands the walkie talkie to Tom*
KR - Did he forget to take his medication this morning?
*Scene 7*
*The MothBusters are getting kitted out. Hercules is handing out riot gear, complete with shields*
KR - Is all this necessary?
Hercules - If you think I'm going in that cupboard unprepared, think again! You can't trust moths! They'll swarm us as soon as we step foot in there!
Tom - Do we really need rape whistles?
Hercules - Hey, you never know, some of these moths could be pretty butch... Right, is everyone ready?
KR - I can't see because of this stupid helmet!
Hercules - Hey, that stupid helmet will save your life! OK, let's do this thing
*They march up to the cupboard, cans on spray in hand. Hercules gives some obscure hand signal to KR. KR looks oblivious*
Hercules - That's the signal to "kick down the cupboard door with all the moths inside"!
KR - I thought it was "Will you marry me?" so I didn't dignify it with a response
Hercules - Never mind, I'll do it myself
*Hercules rolls towards the cupboard, and puts his hand on the handle*
Tom - Does the rolling help?
Hercules - Ssssh! I can hear them!
KR - Oh for goodness sake!
*Hercules kicks the door in*
Hercules - Freeeeedooooom!
*He screams and runs in. KR and Tom look at each other, shrug, then step into the tiny cupboard*
*Total darkness*
KR - Hey, get your elbow out of my crotch
Tom - That's not my elbow...
KR - Do you see any killer moths in here, Hercules?
Tom - I can't see anything...
KR - Hey, maybe we'll get to Narnia! Let's try it
*KR takes a step forward. They hear a loud bump as he walks right into the back of the cupboard*
KR - Ow, I bit my tongue
Tom - This is stupid! Let's get out of here before Hybrid comes and takes a photo of us, huddled together all comfy in a dark cupboard.
KR - Yeah, come on, Hercules, the moths must've gone.
*They drag Hercules out*
Hercules - But I was so sure we'd come under attack once we went in...
Tom - We all make mistakes, yadda yadda. Let's get out of here, and out of these lycra uniforms.
KR - I dunno, I kind of like them...
Tom - I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
*KR and Tom leave, Hercules starts to follow, before he stops and turns around to face the cupboard. His eyes shift back and forth*
Hercules - (long pause) ... Get down!!!
*The cupboard doors explode in a shower of splinters, and a black and brown sea of moths appears, flapping in unison. They circle the fallen Hercules. Tom and KR come running back*
Tom - Oh my God!
KR - Oh your God!
*Hercules scrambles to his feet*
Hercules - (slow motion) Ruuuuuuuun!
*He runs past the pair, and drags them by their arms. The furious swarm of moths devours what's left of the cupboard, then begins chasing the MothBusters. Bob steps out of his office*
Bob - What's all the ruckus, some of us are trying to sleep, you know!
*He sees the black and brown mass of death, but it's too late, they've already engulfed him. When they fly off, what's left of Bob's skeleton collapses in a heap on the floor*
Bob - That's going to leave a mark...
*Scene 8*
*The MothBusters are hiding in a stock room*
KR - Hey, they have the Playstation 3 in here...
Tom - I can't believe it... the moths... they were attacking us!
*Hercules looks smug*
Tom - After all these years, Hercules was right!
*Hercules looks even smugger*
Tom - You can stop that, you know, you'll never be as smug as Stryke.
Hercules - I told you two, I told you that moths were evil!
KR - What are we going to do?
Hercules - We're going to have to fight fire with fire, I suggest we flap our arms really fast, and climb on each other's shoulders. We'll create our OWN swarm, and do battle with the moths!
Tom - Well, yes, that's one idea, but how about something a little less mental?
KR - Well, we still have our cans of spray
Hercules - I left them in my bag, back in that room
Tom - Oh great (!) Well, we'll have to find the most gullible person to go and get them, then
*Darkus and Snuggly crash through the ceiling and land hard on the floor. The MothBusters look at them, smiling*
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly is crawling through the vents, mumbling to himself*
Snuggly - Don't see why I have to... good for nothing cowards... why I oughta... I should be the one giving the orders...
*He stops, and talks into a walkie talkie*
Snuggly - I see the room. There are moths everywhere, they're covering the bag.
Hercules - OK, lower yourself into the room...
*Snuggly opens a vent and drops into the corner of the room*
Snuggly - Right... then what?
Hercules - Flap your arms like a chicken and make funny noises, while the moths are eating you to death, we'll run in and grab the bag
Snuggly - What?! Fun you!
Hercules - Alright, alright... you can flap your arms like a turkey if it'll make you feel better
Snuggly - Look, I'll just grab the bag, and run for it. After all, they're only moths
Hercules - That's what Bob said, as they ate him
Snuggly - He said that?
Hercules - Well, no, it was really more of a blood curdling scream of terror and agony...
Snuggly - Wait, if Bob's dead, then I can keep the £10 I owed him! Woo! Ahem, sorry. I'll just grab the bag, and run back. Over and out.
*Snuggly puts the walkie talkie in his pocket and starts sneaking over to the bag. He steps on a twig, and the noise alerts the moths, working them up into a frenzy*
Snuggly - Why the heck is there a twig inside a building? I mean - "Uh oh!"
*He starts running towards the bag as the moths shoot towards him in a big cloud. It looks like they're about to reach the bag first*
Snuggly - What the heck was I thinking, running TOWARDS the moths?!
*He runs past the bag, slipping his hand into the strap as he shoots by, then turns and starts to run out the door. He makes it out and slams it behind him. He leans back and tries to catch his breath, before he sees the moths are eating their way through the door*
Snuggly - Why me?
*He starts running again, but the moths have already chowed down on the door, and are in hot pursuit. Snuggly starts rummaging through the bag as he runs. In a move Max Payne would be proud of, he dives forward, turning in midair as he pulls two cans of insect spray out of the bag. He starts spraying the thick cloud of angry insects as he flies through the air. The deadly swarm pulls back, dead moths dropping by the dozen. Snuggly lands, does a backwards roll and ends up back on his feet, running again. He stops for a second*
Snuggly - Wow, that was a really cool move!
*He turns to run again, and bumps right into a door frame*
*Scene 10*
*Snuggly bursts into the storeroom, trying to catch his breath*
Snuggly - I... I... I made it, guys... I... I got the... cans
Hercules - Great! But, um... I remembered we all have backup cans in our belts...
*Snuggly's eyes close and he drops to the floor*
Hercules - Sorry...
*Moments later, the MothBusters are getting kitted out... again. Darkus is trying to revive Snuggly*
Hercules - You civilians had better stay here, let the pros handle this!
Darkus - Pros? Who the heck ARE you guys?!
Hercules - Back off, man, I'm a scientist
Tom - Well, he's doing GCSE science... that's close enough
Hercules - We're the MothBusters! Hired to rid the world of evil, namely moths
KR - Evil moths
Hercules - All moths are evil! Right, here's the plan. I'm sure there's some sort of queen moth we can kill, and if we kill it, for no apparent reason all the other moths will stop attacking everyone, and we win. OK, team, let's go. First, the secret MothBusters handshake
Tom - We don't HAVE a secret MothBusters handshake...
Hercules - Really? I thought we went through that. Well, no time to show you now, anyway, I don't trust this guy... he could be a moth in disguise...
Darkus - Me?
Hercules - He's trying to talk to us... don't make eye contact
Tom - Oh, Lord...
*Scene 11*
*The MothBusters are walking, in slow motion, down a corridor towards the room. KR manages to trip up*
Hercules - Right lads, get ready. As soon as we're in there, go for the queen moth. I'm sure it's big and disgusting
*Hercules rolls forward and opens the door. They sprint into the room, which is full of swarm after swarm of moths*
Tom - My God...
Hercules - I've never seen so much evil... pure, concentrated evil...
KR - I'm hungry
Hercules - Pull 'em!
*They each pull a can of insect spray from their belts*
Hercules - Make 'em hot!
Tom - Excuse me?
KR - I think he means shake them up
*They all shake their cans*
KR - Hur hur hur, if only Mystique could see us doing this
Hercules - When I give the signal, unleash hell
Tom - We really need to stop him watching so many films
Hercules - Now!
*The moths notice the gang, and start swirling around the room as they each dive forward, spraying everything in sight. KR is instantly engulfed in moths. He tries to brush them off, but it's no use*
Hercules - I'll avenge you, my loyal warrior!
*The two remaining MothBusters battle the moths, constantly taking cover behind desks and chairs, only to have them eaten away by the hordes of airborne insects. The noise of flapping wings is deafening*
Tom - I'm out!
*Tom discards his empty can of spray, and produces a rolled up newspaper. He begins swinging it wildly*
Hercules - Tom, watch out!
*Tom turns around to see a sea of black and brown moths dive bombing their way towards him*
Tom - Noooooooo!
*The moths descend on Tom, covering him from head to toe. He slowly tries to swat them with his paper, but eventually drops to the floor*
Hercules - It's all up to me... Time to show them what I'm made of... I am HERCULES! Avenger against moths! Die demon spawn!
*He jumps out from behind his cover, and runs in slow motion towards the centre of the room, a can of spray in each hand. Moths drop dead left and right as he continually sprays everywhere*
Hercules - (drawn out) Diiiiiiieeeeee!
*Hercules sees the queen moth, it's the size of a football and is sat in the middle of the room, an army of moths surrounding it*
Hercules - I've got you now!
*Hercules manages to trip up on his own shoe laces. He crashes to the floor, and tries to reach out with his arm in a vein attempt to spray the queen. Moths start crawling all over his body as he tries to inch closer and closer to the nest. They're all over his body now, crawling in and out of his mouth*
Hercules - No... must... kill... queen!
*He starts to get up, but then collapses on the ground again, his head dropping. The moths totally cover his body, but then shoot off in different directions as an air vent cover drops down and lands by Hercules. Snuggly drops down, a can of spray in each hand, and manages to keep the moths at bay*
Snuggly - Come on, man, Hercules, hurry up! I'm double parked!
*Heroic music plays as Hercules lifts his head, spits out a moth, then drags himself along the ground till he comes up on the queen. He raises his hand and presses his finger on the nozzle of the can. The queen tries to move it's fat body, but the mist surrounds it and it chokes on the poisonous fumes*
Hercules - Got you, suckas!
*Inexplicably, all the moths in the room drop down dead. Snuggly gives a sigh of relief as Hercules drags himself to his feet*
Hercules - I... I did it! I saved SR from the evil power of the moths! I'm... I'm a hero! Hurrah!
*Tony walks in and sees the mess*
Tony - What the heck? I leave you lot alone for half an hour, and what do I find? The place has been turned into a morgue for moths! What happened?
Hercules - The moths almost destroyed SR towers, but my team and I saved the day. Couldn't have done it without Snuggly's help, though!
Snuggly - No, you can't have a GAD
Tony - Well, kudos
Hercules - There's just the small matter of payment now... We used up a lot of resources on this mission, and I did lose two of my team. I think £100,000 should just about cover it
Tony - Well, now, here's the problem. You just said yourself, you couldn't have done it without Snuggly, and he's already on my pay roll, so the way I see it is he did all the work, and I don't owe you squat
Hercules - Well that's just great
*The End*
Dedicated to the men and women who risk their lives every day, keeping us safe from moths
As AJ said, weve not seen a spoof from you for aaaages and now you come back with this.
It was brilliant. Made me laugh all the way through.
Well done.
It was brilliant. Made me laugh all the way through.
Well done.
One word - quality.
I had a feeling you'd enjoy it, Mystique
Heh heh
Hehe. Nice spoof.
My cats breath smells of cat food.
My cats breath smells of cat food.
Ah, good good. We've not had a spoof from you in months MoJoJoJo, and now you're back producing spoofs again, I can enjoy reading them again, just like I enjoyed reading this! Lots! (That didn't make too much sense, did it?) :-D
Anyway, great stuff! I hope to see more spoofs involving our moth-hating Hercules, as the ones with him in them rock!
:-D
Anyway, great stuff! I hope to see more spoofs involving our moth-hating Hercules, as the ones with him in them rock!
:-D
*Scene 1*
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*schroeder is sat at her desk, working late, with only a lamp for company*
schroeder - I bet I wouldn't be lumbered with the late shift if I had a boyfriend... stupid other staff members with their stupid social lives...
*A shadow decks her in darkness*
schroeder - What the-?
*A moth flutters by, circles her, then lands on her keyboard*
schroeder - Oh... a moth... Will you be my friend?
*The door breaks down and Hercules runs in, brandishing insect spray*
Hercules - Die, spawn of Satan!
*He pulls a gas mask on and unleashes the awesome power of the can of spray. The room goes misty, and the moth drops down dead. schroeder is coughing uncontrollably*
Hercules - (taking his mask off) No, no! You don't need to thank me... just doing my job
*Hercules winks and gives her the thumbs up, then dashes back through the door*
schroeder - Well there's something you don't see every day... Except when loki got hammered at the last Christmas party...
*Cue opening credits. Stryke appears, dressed as a MothBuster*
Stryke - (singing) Hey, what's that sound?
No, it's not the staff chair racing, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that big brown thing, floating around?
No, it's not one of Hybrid's logs, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that thing dive bombing your head?
No, it's not a kamikaze pilot... it's a moth!
So who you gonna call!
(high pitched voice) MothBusters!
Who's house?
(high pitched voice) MothBuster's house!
Now go buy the soundtrack album!
Before I set Guy Pearce on you!
*Brad runs in*
Brad - Hey... I thought *I* was doing the theme song?
Stryke - No, go away, fool
Brad - Aw come on, I got the Masters Of The Universe set up and everything!
*Goatboy walks in*
Goatboy - Right, we're... What the heck are you two doing here?
Brad - I'm here to do the theme song for the spoof!
Stryke - And I already did it!
Goatboy - But *my* band is meant to be doing the theme!
Stryke - Be gone, before I set some moths on you!
*Brad and Goatboy run off like little girls*
Stryke - Enjoy the spoof. Except you, Lord H, you've probably already stopped reading
*Scene 2*
*MothBusters HQ*
*Hercules, Tom and KR are sat around a table, looking bored, playing cards*
KR - (shouting) Hey, Mystique, bring us another beer will ya?
Mystique - (from another room) Get it yoursel' you lazy piece of-
*The phone rings*
KR - Honestly, I don't know what we pay her for!
Tom - I thought it was for the wild sex?
*Deathly silence*
Tom - What?
Hercules - Ahem... (shouts) Mystique? Who's on the phone?
*Mystique can be heard talking on the phone*
Mystique - Oooh, you naughty boy! You like that, don't you, you bad boy. OK, now I'm hitting you with the paddle... Yeah, that'll learn ya...
KR - Oh, not again!
*KR gets up, goes into the room and hangs the phone up*
Mystique - Hey, what are you doing?! Hybrid is my best customer!
KR - We'll never get any work if you keep tying up the line with your kinky phone service! Leave your hobbies at home, don't bring them into work!
Mystique - Gaaawwd! Not like we'll get any work anyway! Why on EARTH would anyone call up a company, and pay them money, just to get rid of a moth?!
*Hercules walks in*
Hercules - Because moths are killers! They're evil I tells ya! They're straight from the balls of hell!
KR - Um, I think you mean bowels...
Hercules - They're Hitler reincarnated! The world needs people like us, brave souls who put their butts on the line day in and day out, trying to rid the world of a terror greater than all of Gareth Gates' singles put together!
Mystique - But no-one ever calls! The only time we've left other than to get pizza was when you saw there was a moth in schroeder's office! And she didn't even phone us, you were spying on her with those hidden cameras again!
*The phone rings, Mystique answers*
Mystique - Mistress Mysty speaking, how may I hurt you?
Whitestripes - (on the phone) Yes, is this the MothBusters?
Mystique - Um, yeah... I guess
Whitestripes - You can't steal my customers away from me! I'm the only moth exterminator around here! Crawl hack under whatever rock you, um... crawled out of!
Mystique - (handing the phone to Hercules) It's for you
Hercules - Yellow?
Whitestripes - I shall not sleep at night till I know you guys are out of business!
Mystique - I didn't realise we were IN business
Hercules - Would you please stop eavesdropping, I'm trying to talk on the phone here!
*Mystique walks off, winking at Tom. Tom runs after her, unzipping his fly*
Hercules - Sorry, what were you saying?
Whitestripes - Stay away from my turf! I'm the only moth hunter around here!
Hercules - Mum, is that you?
Whitestripes - No, you fool! 'Tis I! Whitestripes! Famous moth hunter!
Hercules - So what's for tea?
Whitestripes - I'm not your mum!
Hercules - I'll have to talk to you later, mum, I'm at work. Love you!
*he hangs up*
Hercules - OK, we need work... we're going to have to spend some money on advertising
KR - But we don't have any money!
Hercules - (opening his piggy bank) Nonsense! We have... 56p and a foreign coin... What the heck happened to our money?!
KR - I think Tom's been giving it to Mystique for-
Hercules - Never mind! We'll just have to raise some money... I know! We can charge people to bust their moths!
KR - Um... that's what we're doing in the first place... and we don't have any money because nobody wants their moths busting
Hercules - Oh, yeah... right... Um... How about a Bring & Buy sale, they always worked well on Blue Peter!
KR - Do we have anything to sell?
Hercules - How about Goatboy's CDs?
KR - Yeah, good idea. Or we could finally charge him some rent! Come on
*They go upstairs and knock on Goatboy's door*
Goatboy - (on the other side of the door) What is it?
Hercules - Um, we need a word with you
*Goatboy opens the door slightly, and peers around it*
Goatboy - What is it? Can't you see I'm busy poling some bird?
KR - We need some of your CDs so we can sell them
Goatboy - Never! My CDs are my life, man!
Hercules - Aw come on, you use them as beer mats!
Goatboy - Go steal Rasta's, he has about 50 Counting Crows CDs
KR - Well can we at least have some rent? You've been in our spare room for over a month and you never pay anything
Goatboy - Look, I told you, I pay you in the birds I bring back! Every time I pull a bird, she comes with an ugly friend, I've always said you can have them
Hercules - But we don't want the ugly ones!
Goatboy - Well you ain't gettin' mine! Now begone, I have some more devastation to deal out
*He slams the door*
KR - Great! Now what do we do?
Hercules - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan...
*Scene 3*
*A local police station. Hercules and KR are in a cell*
KR - Well that didn't work
Hercules - Stupid anti body snatching laws
*Tom appears*
KR - Tom! Thank God you've come to see us!
Tom - Actually, I'm here visiting Mystique, she was picked up in Middlesbrough- I mean, yeah, of course I'm here to see you guys... I have good news too, looks like we're not gonna go bust after all. I hear SR has a HUGE moth problem! They want to get you two out so we can go deal with it!
Hercules - Excellent!
*A policeman opens the cell door and they both walk out. They head towards the exit*
KR - Aren't you coming, Tom?
Tom - Um... I'll be along in a minute...
*Hercules and KR walk off*
Mystique - (in her cell) Hey, big boy, glad you came, I was getting bored here by myself!
*Scene 4*
*SR Towers*
*In the main reception area of SR towers, Tony is pacing back and forth, looking worried. The doors burst open and Hercules, KR and Tom enter, looking proud in their shiny MothBusters uniforms*
Hercules - (in a manly voice) I hear you have a moth problem
Tony - Yeah, we... why are you talking like that?
Hercules - (in an even manlier voice) This? This is my natural voice. I'm incredibly manly, you know
Tony - Mystique is manlier than you, now stop acting hard and come and get rid of these moths
Hercules - (back to his normal, squeaky voice) Yes, sir
KR - So what's the problem?
Tony - We've been invaded! At first we thought it was ghosts, so we called the Ghost Busters. Then we thought it was aliens, so we called the Men In Black. Then we realised it was just moths, and loki rang you accidentally while trying to find a Vietnamese bride service.
Tom - See? I told you it was a good idea to make our number "Me Love You Long Time"
Hercules - OK, clear out the premises... this could get ugly
Tony - Excuse me?
Hercules - Well you don't expect us to work with civilians in the area? They could get caught in the crossfire, and I ain't going to a military court because some moron strays into my line of fire!
KR - Um, Hercules? We have insect spray... and rolled up newspapers.
Hercules - Deadly weapons!
Tony - (whispering) Is he alright?
Tom - Oh, don't worry about him, he always goes into Rambo mode when we're about to get rid of some moths
Tony - Well, I sure as heck can't close the entire building down! We need to get the latest magazine out, or DW is coming 'round here with some heavies! And Snuggly has about thirty GADs to pick
KR - He fell behind?
Tony - No, we lost the key to his office. I think Hybrid mistook it for the keys to his handcuffs or something...
*Uncomfortable silence*
Tony - Well, that's why they call him THE bad person. All those Kid Loco songs have turned his brains to mush... Right, anyway, um, the building is all yours. Just try not to disturb the staff, they're busy laughing at the forum users photos on that Special Observe thing. Er, we have a canteen in case you get hungry. Food is poop, but then what do you expect from a canteen? Good luck gentlemen!
Hercules - Luck is for losers. I have killer instincts...
*Tony looks puzzled before he walks off to one of his many cars*
KR - OK, so what do we do?
Hercules - First we set up a parameter, seal off every door and window, make sure no moths can escape. Get the tape.
KR - Affirmative
*KR runs off and starts unravelling "Caution! Do Not Cross - MothBusters Busting Moths" tape everywhere*
Hercules - Tom, you go on recon, find the central hive of moths, so we can set our explosives and get rid of them in one deadly swoop
Tom - Rodger! Wait, no... we don't have any explosives...
Hercules - What are you talking about? I packed them myself
Tom - (rummaging through the bag) You mean these fireworks?
Hercules - Hey, they're about to be banned! Deadly weapons, they are
Tom - Riiiight. Well, I'll find the moths, and report back to you. What are you going to do?
Hercules - I'm going to reassure the staff that there's nothing to worry about, and that everything is being dealt with
Tom - OK
*They part ways. Tom walks into a door blocked off by KR's tape*
Tom - I knew we shouldn't have bought this stuff in bulk...
*Scene 5*
*Snuggly is sat in his office with Darkus*
Snuggly - Yeah, you're right, there IS a shortage of fit birds here...
Darkus - Should we, like, you know... do what we did last time?
Snuggly - You got the number?
Darkus - (picking up the phone and dialling) Hello? Is that Stryke's Strippers? We need about thirty girls sent to SR towers... yeah, that's right, the building with all the computer nerds in... and we want NICE looking strippers this time, Stryke, not random girls you picked up on the way here. And no Welsh birds! Right, OK, we'll pay you when you get here... thanks a lot...
*Darkus hangs up*
Snuggly - Well?
Darkus - They're on their way
Snuggly - Yes! I'll get the baby lotion
*The speaker system bursts into life. Hercules is speaking*
Hercules - Citizens of SR towers, do not be alarmed. There are extremely dangerous killer beasts in the building. Do not be alarmed. My team of mercenaries and I are currently planting explosives and chemical weaponry to deal with the problem, Please, continue with your work. Do not be alarmed. If you see one of these evil, slavering monsters, do not approach. Report it to one of my team and we will deal with the problem. The explosives are set to go off in ten minutes. Please, do not be alarmed... oh, and Snuggly, if you're listening... can I have a GAD?
Darkus - Killer monsters?!
Snuggly - Explosives?!
Both - Arrrrrgggghhh!!!
*They run around in circles for a minute or two, before they gather their senses and try to get through the door*
Darkus - What the-? The door's locked!
Snuggly - Argh! The janitor must be drunk again!
Darkus - Where's your key?!
Snuggly – (checking his pockets) It's right here- ... Curse you, Hybrid!
Darkus - Oh, not again!
*They bang on the door for a while*
Darkus - Why did Tony have to make these doors soundproof?!
Snuggly - In case he needs to murder one of us, and we scream too loud!
Darkus - We haven't got long before those explosives go off!
Snuggly - I know! I'll use my mobile phone to call for help!
*Snuggly produces a huge phone*
Darkus - Not exactly mobile, is it?
Snuggly - Shut up, this thing is gonna save our lives!
*Snuggly starts hitting the huge buttons*
Darkus - That's not a phone, it's a brick. In fact, it's not even a brick, it's a bloomin' briefcase!
*Snuggly hits his phone against the wall*
Darkus - What is it?
Snuggly - I'm not getting a signal!
Darkus - Must be the lead walls in this room, Tony was paranoid about nuclear bombs and Superman!
Snuggly - We're gonna die! Either the monsters will eat us, or we'll be blown up!
*They cower in each others arms. A moth flies in through the air conditioning*
Snuggly - I know! We can crawl through the air vents to safety!
Darkus - Are you sure? Seems awfully clichéd...
Snuggly - Hey, it worked in Spam Hard, when I had to save you all from the evil Stryke!
Darkus - But, um, Stryke owns a strip club right now, and didn't you shoot him in that one?
Snuggly - Continuity doesn't matter! It's only a spoof!
Darkus - Lord H would disagree with you there...
Snuggly - Yeah, but I banned him
*They clamber into the air vents*
*Scene 6*
*Hercules and Tom are on the top floor of SR towers. Staff members are running around in circles, scared witless about the impending explosion or the prospect of being attacked by giant monsters*
Tom - Um, what did you tell them?
Hercules - Just that there's some moths in the building. Guess they're as scared of them as I am
Tom - Riiiight. Well, the firewor- I mean "explosives" are all set. I found the moths in that cupboard over there. All we need to do is light them.
Hercules - Right, you do that, I'll take cover
Tom - But they're only...
*Hercules pulls an army helmet out of his bag and puts it on. He produces safety goggles and slaps them onto his head, then runs and hides behind a desk on the other side of the room. Tom sighs, and lights the fireworks*
Hercules - (screaming) Fire in the hole!
*The fireworks fizzle and spit a bit, then die out. Hercules raises his head from behind the desk, his fingers still stuck in his ears*
Hercules - Eh?
Tom - I told you...
Hercules - Darn it! The C4 must've been damaged somehow! We'll have to go to plan B!
Tom - I didn't even know we had a plan A...
Hercules - Get the insect spray, we'll have to engage in mortal combat with the moths... I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. Tom, if I don't make it out, tell my family I love them
*He hugs Tom*
Tom - Um...
*Hercules pulls his bag open and grabs a walkie talkie*
Hercules - KR? Come in, KR! The explosives didn't work, these moths are even tougher than I thought, we're going to plan B
KR - Rodger! Wait... what's plan B? Does it involve modifying the van, A-team style?
Hercules - Meet us upstairs, I'll give you a sidearm, then we're going to breach the cupboard and take it to those blood sucking moths
KR - Can I speak to Tom?
Hercules - Yeah, sure
*He hands the walkie talkie to Tom*
KR - Did he forget to take his medication this morning?
*Scene 7*
*The MothBusters are getting kitted out. Hercules is handing out riot gear, complete with shields*
KR - Is all this necessary?
Hercules - If you think I'm going in that cupboard unprepared, think again! You can't trust moths! They'll swarm us as soon as we step foot in there!
Tom - Do we really need rape whistles?
Hercules - Hey, you never know, some of these moths could be pretty butch... Right, is everyone ready?
KR - I can't see because of this stupid helmet!
Hercules - Hey, that stupid helmet will save your life! OK, let's do this thing
*They march up to the cupboard, cans on spray in hand. Hercules gives some obscure hand signal to KR. KR looks oblivious*
Hercules - That's the signal to "kick down the cupboard door with all the moths inside"!
KR - I thought it was "Will you marry me?" so I didn't dignify it with a response
Hercules - Never mind, I'll do it myself
*Hercules rolls towards the cupboard, and puts his hand on the handle*
Tom - Does the rolling help?
Hercules - Ssssh! I can hear them!
KR - Oh for goodness sake!
*Hercules kicks the door in*
Hercules - Freeeeedooooom!
*He screams and runs in. KR and Tom look at each other, shrug, then step into the tiny cupboard*
*Total darkness*
KR - Hey, get your elbow out of my crotch
Tom - That's not my elbow...
KR - Do you see any killer moths in here, Hercules?
Tom - I can't see anything...
KR - Hey, maybe we'll get to Narnia! Let's try it
*KR takes a step forward. They hear a loud bump as he walks right into the back of the cupboard*
KR - Ow, I bit my tongue
Tom - This is stupid! Let's get out of here before Hybrid comes and takes a photo of us, huddled together all comfy in a dark cupboard.
KR - Yeah, come on, Hercules, the moths must've gone.
*They drag Hercules out*
Hercules - But I was so sure we'd come under attack once we went in...
Tom - We all make mistakes, yadda yadda. Let's get out of here, and out of these lycra uniforms.
KR - I dunno, I kind of like them...
Tom - I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
*KR and Tom leave, Hercules starts to follow, before he stops and turns around to face the cupboard. His eyes shift back and forth*
Hercules - (long pause) ... Get down!!!
*The cupboard doors explode in a shower of splinters, and a black and brown sea of moths appears, flapping in unison. They circle the fallen Hercules. Tom and KR come running back*
Tom - Oh my God!
KR - Oh your God!
*Hercules scrambles to his feet*
Hercules - (slow motion) Ruuuuuuuun!
*He runs past the pair, and drags them by their arms. The furious swarm of moths devours what's left of the cupboard, then begins chasing the MothBusters. Bob steps out of his office*
Bob - What's all the ruckus, some of us are trying to sleep, you know!
*He sees the black and brown mass of death, but it's too late, they've already engulfed him. When they fly off, what's left of Bob's skeleton collapses in a heap on the floor*
Bob - That's going to leave a mark...
*Scene 8*
*The MothBusters are hiding in a stock room*
KR - Hey, they have the Playstation 3 in here...
Tom - I can't believe it... the moths... they were attacking us!
*Hercules looks smug*
Tom - After all these years, Hercules was right!
*Hercules looks even smugger*
Tom - You can stop that, you know, you'll never be as smug as Stryke.
Hercules - I told you two, I told you that moths were evil!
KR - What are we going to do?
Hercules - We're going to have to fight fire with fire, I suggest we flap our arms really fast, and climb on each other's shoulders. We'll create our OWN swarm, and do battle with the moths!
Tom - Well, yes, that's one idea, but how about something a little less mental?
KR - Well, we still have our cans of spray
Hercules - I left them in my bag, back in that room
Tom - Oh great (!) Well, we'll have to find the most gullible person to go and get them, then
*Darkus and Snuggly crash through the ceiling and land hard on the floor. The MothBusters look at them, smiling*
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly is crawling through the vents, mumbling to himself*
Snuggly - Don't see why I have to... good for nothing cowards... why I oughta... I should be the one giving the orders...
*He stops, and talks into a walkie talkie*
Snuggly - I see the room. There are moths everywhere, they're covering the bag.
Hercules - OK, lower yourself into the room...
*Snuggly opens a vent and drops into the corner of the room*
Snuggly - Right... then what?
Hercules - Flap your arms like a chicken and make funny noises, while the moths are eating you to death, we'll run in and grab the bag
Snuggly - What?! Fun you!
Hercules - Alright, alright... you can flap your arms like a turkey if it'll make you feel better
Snuggly - Look, I'll just grab the bag, and run for it. After all, they're only moths
Hercules - That's what Bob said, as they ate him
Snuggly - He said that?
Hercules - Well, no, it was really more of a blood curdling scream of terror and agony...
Snuggly - Wait, if Bob's dead, then I can keep the £10 I owed him! Woo! Ahem, sorry. I'll just grab the bag, and run back. Over and out.
*Snuggly puts the walkie talkie in his pocket and starts sneaking over to the bag. He steps on a twig, and the noise alerts the moths, working them up into a frenzy*
Snuggly - Why the heck is there a twig inside a building? I mean - "Uh oh!"
*He starts running towards the bag as the moths shoot towards him in a big cloud. It looks like they're about to reach the bag first*
Snuggly - What the heck was I thinking, running TOWARDS the moths?!
*He runs past the bag, slipping his hand into the strap as he shoots by, then turns and starts to run out the door. He makes it out and slams it behind him. He leans back and tries to catch his breath, before he sees the moths are eating their way through the door*
Snuggly - Why me?
*He starts running again, but the moths have already chowed down on the door, and are in hot pursuit. Snuggly starts rummaging through the bag as he runs. In a move Max Payne would be proud of, he dives forward, turning in midair as he pulls two cans of insect spray out of the bag. He starts spraying the thick cloud of angry insects as he flies through the air. The deadly swarm pulls back, dead moths dropping by the dozen. Snuggly lands, does a backwards roll and ends up back on his feet, running again. He stops for a second*
Snuggly - Wow, that was a really cool move!
*He turns to run again, and bumps right into a door frame*
*Scene 10*
*Snuggly bursts into the storeroom, trying to catch his breath*
Snuggly - I... I... I made it, guys... I... I got the... cans
Hercules - Great! But, um... I remembered we all have backup cans in our belts...
*Snuggly's eyes close and he drops to the floor*
Hercules - Sorry...
*Moments later, the MothBusters are getting kitted out... again. Darkus is trying to revive Snuggly*
Hercules - You civilians had better stay here, let the pros handle this!
Darkus - Pros? Who the heck ARE you guys?!
Hercules - Back off, man, I'm a scientist
Tom - Well, he's doing GCSE science... that's close enough
Hercules - We're the MothBusters! Hired to rid the world of evil, namely moths
KR - Evil moths
Hercules - All moths are evil! Right, here's the plan. I'm sure there's some sort of queen moth we can kill, and if we kill it, for no apparent reason all the other moths will stop attacking everyone, and we win. OK, team, let's go. First, the secret MothBusters handshake
Tom - We don't HAVE a secret MothBusters handshake...
Hercules - Really? I thought we went through that. Well, no time to show you now, anyway, I don't trust this guy... he could be a moth in disguise...
Darkus - Me?
Hercules - He's trying to talk to us... don't make eye contact
Tom - Oh, Lord...
*Scene 11*
*The MothBusters are walking, in slow motion, down a corridor towards the room. KR manages to trip up*
Hercules - Right lads, get ready. As soon as we're in there, go for the queen moth. I'm sure it's big and disgusting
*Hercules rolls forward and opens the door. They sprint into the room, which is full of swarm after swarm of moths*
Tom - My God...
Hercules - I've never seen so much evil... pure, concentrated evil...
KR - I'm hungry
Hercules - Pull 'em!
*They each pull a can of insect spray from their belts*
Hercules - Make 'em hot!
Tom - Excuse me?
KR - I think he means shake them up
*They all shake their cans*
KR - Hur hur hur, if only Mystique could see us doing this
Hercules - When I give the signal, unleash hell
Tom - We really need to stop him watching so many films
Hercules - Now!
*The moths notice the gang, and start swirling around the room as they each dive forward, spraying everything in sight. KR is instantly engulfed in moths. He tries to brush them off, but it's no use*
Hercules - I'll avenge you, my loyal warrior!
*The two remaining MothBusters battle the moths, constantly taking cover behind desks and chairs, only to have them eaten away by the hordes of airborne insects. The noise of flapping wings is deafening*
Tom - I'm out!
*Tom discards his empty can of spray, and produces a rolled up newspaper. He begins swinging it wildly*
Hercules - Tom, watch out!
*Tom turns around to see a sea of black and brown moths dive bombing their way towards him*
Tom - Noooooooo!
*The moths descend on Tom, covering him from head to toe. He slowly tries to swat them with his paper, but eventually drops to the floor*
Hercules - It's all up to me... Time to show them what I'm made of... I am HERCULES! Avenger against moths! Die demon spawn!
*He jumps out from behind his cover, and runs in slow motion towards the centre of the room, a can of spray in each hand. Moths drop dead left and right as he continually sprays everywhere*
Hercules - (drawn out) Diiiiiiieeeeee!
*Hercules sees the queen moth, it's the size of a football and is sat in the middle of the room, an army of moths surrounding it*
Hercules - I've got you now!
*Hercules manages to trip up on his own shoe laces. He crashes to the floor, and tries to reach out with his arm in a vein attempt to spray the queen. Moths start crawling all over his body as he tries to inch closer and closer to the nest. They're all over his body now, crawling in and out of his mouth*
Hercules - No... must... kill... queen!
*He starts to get up, but then collapses on the ground again, his head dropping. The moths totally cover his body, but then shoot off in different directions as an air vent cover drops down and lands by Hercules. Snuggly drops down, a can of spray in each hand, and manages to keep the moths at bay*
Snuggly - Come on, man, Hercules, hurry up! I'm double parked!
*Heroic music plays as Hercules lifts his head, spits out a moth, then drags himself along the ground till he comes up on the queen. He raises his hand and presses his finger on the nozzle of the can. The queen tries to move it's fat body, but the mist surrounds it and it chokes on the poisonous fumes*
Hercules - Got you, suckas!
*Inexplicably, all the moths in the room drop down dead. Snuggly gives a sigh of relief as Hercules drags himself to his feet*
Hercules - I... I did it! I saved SR from the evil power of the moths! I'm... I'm a hero! Hurrah!
*Tony walks in and sees the mess*
Tony - What the heck? I leave you lot alone for half an hour, and what do I find? The place has been turned into a morgue for moths! What happened?
Hercules - The moths almost destroyed SR towers, but my team and I saved the day. Couldn't have done it without Snuggly's help, though!
Snuggly - No, you can't have a GAD
Tony - Well, kudos
Hercules - There's just the small matter of payment now... We used up a lot of resources on this mission, and I did lose two of my team. I think £100,000 should just about cover it
Tony - Well, now, here's the problem. You just said yourself, you couldn't have done it without Snuggly, and he's already on my pay roll, so the way I see it is he did all the work, and I don't owe you squat
Hercules - Well that's just great
*The End*
Dedicated to the men and women who risk their lives every day, keeping us safe from moths
*SR towers, somewhere in England*
*schroeder is sat at her desk, working late, with only a lamp for company*
schroeder - I bet I wouldn't be lumbered with the late shift if I had a boyfriend... stupid other staff members with their stupid social lives...
*A shadow decks her in darkness*
schroeder - What the-?
*A moth flutters by, circles her, then lands on her keyboard*
schroeder - Oh... a moth... Will you be my friend?
*The door breaks down and Hercules runs in, brandishing insect spray*
Hercules - Die, spawn of Satan!
*He pulls a gas mask on and unleashes the awesome power of the can of spray. The room goes misty, and the moth drops down dead. schroeder is coughing uncontrollably*
Hercules - (taking his mask off) No, no! You don't need to thank me... just doing my job
*Hercules winks and gives her the thumbs up, then dashes back through the door*
schroeder - Well there's something you don't see every day... Except when loki got hammered at the last Christmas party...
*Cue opening credits. Stryke appears, dressed as a MothBuster*
Stryke - (singing) Hey, what's that sound?
No, it's not the staff chair racing, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that big brown thing, floating around?
No, it's not one of Hybrid's logs, it's a moth!
Hey, what's that thing dive bombing your head?
No, it's not a kamikaze pilot... it's a moth!
So who you gonna call!
(high pitched voice) MothBusters!
Who's house?
(high pitched voice) MothBuster's house!
Now go buy the soundtrack album!
Before I set Guy Pearce on you!
*Brad runs in*
Brad - Hey... I thought *I* was doing the theme song?
Stryke - No, go away, fool
Brad - Aw come on, I got the Masters Of The Universe set up and everything!
*Goatboy walks in*
Goatboy - Right, we're... What the heck are you two doing here?
Brad - I'm here to do the theme song for the spoof!
Stryke - And I already did it!
Goatboy - But *my* band is meant to be doing the theme!
Stryke - Be gone, before I set some moths on you!
*Brad and Goatboy run off like little girls*
Stryke - Enjoy the spoof. Except you, Lord H, you've probably already stopped reading
*Scene 2*
*MothBusters HQ*
*Hercules, Tom and KR are sat around a table, looking bored, playing cards*
KR - (shouting) Hey, Mystique, bring us another beer will ya?
Mystique - (from another room) Get it yoursel' you lazy piece of-
*The phone rings*
KR - Honestly, I don't know what we pay her for!
Tom - I thought it was for the wild sex?
*Deathly silence*
Tom - What?
Hercules - Ahem... (shouts) Mystique? Who's on the phone?
*Mystique can be heard talking on the phone*
Mystique - Oooh, you naughty boy! You like that, don't you, you bad boy. OK, now I'm hitting you with the paddle... Yeah, that'll learn ya...
KR - Oh, not again!
*KR gets up, goes into the room and hangs the phone up*
Mystique - Hey, what are you doing?! Hybrid is my best customer!
KR - We'll never get any work if you keep tying up the line with your kinky phone service! Leave your hobbies at home, don't bring them into work!
Mystique - Gaaawwd! Not like we'll get any work anyway! Why on EARTH would anyone call up a company, and pay them money, just to get rid of a moth?!
*Hercules walks in*
Hercules - Because moths are killers! They're evil I tells ya! They're straight from the balls of hell!
KR - Um, I think you mean bowels...
Hercules - They're Hitler reincarnated! The world needs people like us, brave souls who put their butts on the line day in and day out, trying to rid the world of a terror greater than all of Gareth Gates' singles put together!
Mystique - But no-one ever calls! The only time we've left other than to get pizza was when you saw there was a moth in schroeder's office! And she didn't even phone us, you were spying on her with those hidden cameras again!
*The phone rings, Mystique answers*
Mystique - Mistress Mysty speaking, how may I hurt you?
Whitestripes - (on the phone) Yes, is this the MothBusters?
Mystique - Um, yeah... I guess
Whitestripes - You can't steal my customers away from me! I'm the only moth exterminator around here! Crawl hack under whatever rock you, um... crawled out of!
Mystique - (handing the phone to Hercules) It's for you
Hercules - Yellow?
Whitestripes - I shall not sleep at night till I know you guys are out of business!
Mystique - I didn't realise we were IN business
Hercules - Would you please stop eavesdropping, I'm trying to talk on the phone here!
*Mystique walks off, winking at Tom. Tom runs after her, unzipping his fly*
Hercules - Sorry, what were you saying?
Whitestripes - Stay away from my turf! I'm the only moth hunter around here!
Hercules - Mum, is that you?
Whitestripes - No, you fool! 'Tis I! Whitestripes! Famous moth hunter!
Hercules - So what's for tea?
Whitestripes - I'm not your mum!
Hercules - I'll have to talk to you later, mum, I'm at work. Love you!
*he hangs up*
Hercules - OK, we need work... we're going to have to spend some money on advertising
KR - But we don't have any money!
Hercules - (opening his piggy bank) Nonsense! We have... 56p and a foreign coin... What the heck happened to our money?!
KR - I think Tom's been giving it to Mystique for-
Hercules - Never mind! We'll just have to raise some money... I know! We can charge people to bust their moths!
KR - Um... that's what we're doing in the first place... and we don't have any money because nobody wants their moths busting
Hercules - Oh, yeah... right... Um... How about a Bring & Buy sale, they always worked well on Blue Peter!
KR - Do we have anything to sell?
Hercules - How about Goatboy's CDs?
KR - Yeah, good idea. Or we could finally charge him some rent! Come on
*They go upstairs and knock on Goatboy's door*
Goatboy - (on the other side of the door) What is it?
Hercules - Um, we need a word with you
*Goatboy opens the door slightly, and peers around it*
Goatboy - What is it? Can't you see I'm busy poling some bird?
KR - We need some of your CDs so we can sell them
Goatboy - Never! My CDs are my life, man!
Hercules - Aw come on, you use them as beer mats!
Goatboy - Go steal Rasta's, he has about 50 Counting Crows CDs
KR - Well can we at least have some rent? You've been in our spare room for over a month and you never pay anything
Goatboy - Look, I told you, I pay you in the birds I bring back! Every time I pull a bird, she comes with an ugly friend, I've always said you can have them
Hercules - But we don't want the ugly ones!
Goatboy - Well you ain't gettin' mine! Now begone, I have some more devastation to deal out
*He slams the door*
KR - Great! Now what do we do?
Hercules - Never fear, for I... have a cunning plan...
*Scene 3*
*A local police station. Hercules and KR are in a cell*
KR - Well that didn't work
Hercules - Stupid anti body snatching laws
*Tom appears*
KR - Tom! Thank God you've come to see us!
Tom - Actually, I'm here visiting Mystique, she was picked up in Middlesbrough- I mean, yeah, of course I'm here to see you guys... I have good news too, looks like we're not gonna go bust after all. I hear SR has a HUGE moth problem! They want to get you two out so we can go deal with it!
Hercules - Excellent!
*A policeman opens the cell door and they both walk out. They head towards the exit*
KR - Aren't you coming, Tom?
Tom - Um... I'll be along in a minute...
*Hercules and KR walk off*
Mystique - (in her cell) Hey, big boy, glad you came, I was getting bored here by myself!
*Scene 4*
*SR Towers*
*In the main reception area of SR towers, Tony is pacing back and forth, looking worried. The doors burst open and Hercules, KR and Tom enter, looking proud in their shiny MothBusters uniforms*
Hercules - (in a manly voice) I hear you have a moth problem
Tony - Yeah, we... why are you talking like that?
Hercules - (in an even manlier voice) This? This is my natural voice. I'm incredibly manly, you know
Tony - Mystique is manlier than you, now stop acting hard and come and get rid of these moths
Hercules - (back to his normal, squeaky voice) Yes, sir
KR - So what's the problem?
Tony - We've been invaded! At first we thought it was ghosts, so we called the Ghost Busters. Then we thought it was aliens, so we called the Men In Black. Then we realised it was just moths, and loki rang you accidentally while trying to find a Vietnamese bride service.
Tom - See? I told you it was a good idea to make our number "Me Love You Long Time"
Hercules - OK, clear out the premises... this could get ugly
Tony - Excuse me?
Hercules - Well you don't expect us to work with civilians in the area? They could get caught in the crossfire, and I ain't going to a military court because some moron strays into my line of fire!
KR - Um, Hercules? We have insect spray... and rolled up newspapers.
Hercules - Deadly weapons!
Tony - (whispering) Is he alright?
Tom - Oh, don't worry about him, he always goes into Rambo mode when we're about to get rid of some moths
Tony - Well, I sure as heck can't close the entire building down! We need to get the latest magazine out, or DW is coming 'round here with some heavies! And Snuggly has about thirty GADs to pick
KR - He fell behind?
Tony - No, we lost the key to his office. I think Hybrid mistook it for the keys to his handcuffs or something...
*Uncomfortable silence*
Tony - Well, that's why they call him THE bad person. All those Kid Loco songs have turned his brains to mush... Right, anyway, um, the building is all yours. Just try not to disturb the staff, they're busy laughing at the forum users photos on that Special Observe thing. Er, we have a canteen in case you get hungry. Food is poop, but then what do you expect from a canteen? Good luck gentlemen!
Hercules - Luck is for losers. I have killer instincts...
*Tony looks puzzled before he walks off to one of his many cars*
KR - OK, so what do we do?
Hercules - First we set up a parameter, seal off every door and window, make sure no moths can escape. Get the tape.
KR - Affirmative
*KR runs off and starts unravelling "Caution! Do Not Cross - MothBusters Busting Moths" tape everywhere*
Hercules - Tom, you go on recon, find the central hive of moths, so we can set our explosives and get rid of them in one deadly swoop
Tom - Rodger! Wait, no... we don't have any explosives...
Hercules - What are you talking about? I packed them myself
Tom - (rummaging through the bag) You mean these fireworks?
Hercules - Hey, they're about to be banned! Deadly weapons, they are
Tom - Riiiight. Well, I'll find the moths, and report back to you. What are you going to do?
Hercules - I'm going to reassure the staff that there's nothing to worry about, and that everything is being dealt with
Tom - OK
*They part ways. Tom walks into a door blocked off by KR's tape*
Tom - I knew we shouldn't have bought this stuff in bulk...
*Scene 5*
*Snuggly is sat in his office with Darkus*
Snuggly - Yeah, you're right, there IS a shortage of fit birds here...
Darkus - Should we, like, you know... do what we did last time?
Snuggly - You got the number?
Darkus - (picking up the phone and dialling) Hello? Is that Stryke's Strippers? We need about thirty girls sent to SR towers... yeah, that's right, the building with all the computer nerds in... and we want NICE looking strippers this time, Stryke, not random girls you picked up on the way here. And no Welsh birds! Right, OK, we'll pay you when you get here... thanks a lot...
*Darkus hangs up*
Snuggly - Well?
Darkus - They're on their way
Snuggly - Yes! I'll get the baby lotion
*The speaker system bursts into life. Hercules is speaking*
Hercules - Citizens of SR towers, do not be alarmed. There are extremely dangerous killer beasts in the building. Do not be alarmed. My team of mercenaries and I are currently planting explosives and chemical weaponry to deal with the problem, Please, continue with your work. Do not be alarmed. If you see one of these evil, slavering monsters, do not approach. Report it to one of my team and we will deal with the problem. The explosives are set to go off in ten minutes. Please, do not be alarmed... oh, and Snuggly, if you're listening... can I have a GAD?
Darkus - Killer monsters?!
Snuggly - Explosives?!
Both - Arrrrrgggghhh!!!
*They run around in circles for a minute or two, before they gather their senses and try to get through the door*
Darkus - What the-? The door's locked!
Snuggly - Argh! The janitor must be drunk again!
Darkus - Where's your key?!
Snuggly – (checking his pockets) It's right here- ... Curse you, Hybrid!
Darkus - Oh, not again!
*They bang on the door for a while*
Darkus - Why did Tony have to make these doors soundproof?!
Snuggly - In case he needs to murder one of us, and we scream too loud!
Darkus - We haven't got long before those explosives go off!
Snuggly - I know! I'll use my mobile phone to call for help!
*Snuggly produces a huge phone*
Darkus - Not exactly mobile, is it?
Snuggly - Shut up, this thing is gonna save our lives!
*Snuggly starts hitting the huge buttons*
Darkus - That's not a phone, it's a brick. In fact, it's not even a brick, it's a bloomin' briefcase!
*Snuggly hits his phone against the wall*
Darkus - What is it?
Snuggly - I'm not getting a signal!
Darkus - Must be the lead walls in this room, Tony was paranoid about nuclear bombs and Superman!
Snuggly - We're gonna die! Either the monsters will eat us, or we'll be blown up!
*They cower in each others arms. A moth flies in through the air conditioning*
Snuggly - I know! We can crawl through the air vents to safety!
Darkus - Are you sure? Seems awfully clichéd...
Snuggly - Hey, it worked in Spam Hard, when I had to save you all from the evil Stryke!
Darkus - But, um, Stryke owns a strip club right now, and didn't you shoot him in that one?
Snuggly - Continuity doesn't matter! It's only a spoof!
Darkus - Lord H would disagree with you there...
Snuggly - Yeah, but I banned him
*They clamber into the air vents*
*Scene 6*
*Hercules and Tom are on the top floor of SR towers. Staff members are running around in circles, scared witless about the impending explosion or the prospect of being attacked by giant monsters*
Tom - Um, what did you tell them?
Hercules - Just that there's some moths in the building. Guess they're as scared of them as I am
Tom - Riiiight. Well, the firewor- I mean "explosives" are all set. I found the moths in that cupboard over there. All we need to do is light them.
Hercules - Right, you do that, I'll take cover
Tom - But they're only...
*Hercules pulls an army helmet out of his bag and puts it on. He produces safety goggles and slaps them onto his head, then runs and hides behind a desk on the other side of the room. Tom sighs, and lights the fireworks*
Hercules - (screaming) Fire in the hole!
*The fireworks fizzle and spit a bit, then die out. Hercules raises his head from behind the desk, his fingers still stuck in his ears*
Hercules - Eh?
Tom - I told you...
Hercules - Darn it! The C4 must've been damaged somehow! We'll have to go to plan B!
Tom - I didn't even know we had a plan A...
Hercules - Get the insect spray, we'll have to engage in mortal combat with the moths... I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. Tom, if I don't make it out, tell my family I love them
*He hugs Tom*
Tom - Um...
*Hercules pulls his bag open and grabs a walkie talkie*
Hercules - KR? Come in, KR! The explosives didn't work, these moths are even tougher than I thought, we're going to plan B
KR - Rodger! Wait... what's plan B? Does it involve modifying the van, A-team style?
Hercules - Meet us upstairs, I'll give you a sidearm, then we're going to breach the cupboard and take it to those blood sucking moths
KR - Can I speak to Tom?
Hercules - Yeah, sure
*He hands the walkie talkie to Tom*
KR - Did he forget to take his medication this morning?
*Scene 7*
*The MothBusters are getting kitted out. Hercules is handing out riot gear, complete with shields*
KR - Is all this necessary?
Hercules - If you think I'm going in that cupboard unprepared, think again! You can't trust moths! They'll swarm us as soon as we step foot in there!
Tom - Do we really need rape whistles?
Hercules - Hey, you never know, some of these moths could be pretty butch... Right, is everyone ready?
KR - I can't see because of this stupid helmet!
Hercules - Hey, that stupid helmet will save your life! OK, let's do this thing
*They march up to the cupboard, cans on spray in hand. Hercules gives some obscure hand signal to KR. KR looks oblivious*
Hercules - That's the signal to "kick down the cupboard door with all the moths inside"!
KR - I thought it was "Will you marry me?" so I didn't dignify it with a response
Hercules - Never mind, I'll do it myself
*Hercules rolls towards the cupboard, and puts his hand on the handle*
Tom - Does the rolling help?
Hercules - Ssssh! I can hear them!
KR - Oh for goodness sake!
*Hercules kicks the door in*
Hercules - Freeeeedooooom!
*He screams and runs in. KR and Tom look at each other, shrug, then step into the tiny cupboard*
*Total darkness*
KR - Hey, get your elbow out of my crotch
Tom - That's not my elbow...
KR - Do you see any killer moths in here, Hercules?
Tom - I can't see anything...
KR - Hey, maybe we'll get to Narnia! Let's try it
*KR takes a step forward. They hear a loud bump as he walks right into the back of the cupboard*
KR - Ow, I bit my tongue
Tom - This is stupid! Let's get out of here before Hybrid comes and takes a photo of us, huddled together all comfy in a dark cupboard.
KR - Yeah, come on, Hercules, the moths must've gone.
*They drag Hercules out*
Hercules - But I was so sure we'd come under attack once we went in...
Tom - We all make mistakes, yadda yadda. Let's get out of here, and out of these lycra uniforms.
KR - I dunno, I kind of like them...
Tom - I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
*KR and Tom leave, Hercules starts to follow, before he stops and turns around to face the cupboard. His eyes shift back and forth*
Hercules - (long pause) ... Get down!!!
*The cupboard doors explode in a shower of splinters, and a black and brown sea of moths appears, flapping in unison. They circle the fallen Hercules. Tom and KR come running back*
Tom - Oh my God!
KR - Oh your God!
*Hercules scrambles to his feet*
Hercules - (slow motion) Ruuuuuuuun!
*He runs past the pair, and drags them by their arms. The furious swarm of moths devours what's left of the cupboard, then begins chasing the MothBusters. Bob steps out of his office*
Bob - What's all the ruckus, some of us are trying to sleep, you know!
*He sees the black and brown mass of death, but it's too late, they've already engulfed him. When they fly off, what's left of Bob's skeleton collapses in a heap on the floor*
Bob - That's going to leave a mark...
*Scene 8*
*The MothBusters are hiding in a stock room*
KR - Hey, they have the Playstation 3 in here...
Tom - I can't believe it... the moths... they were attacking us!
*Hercules looks smug*
Tom - After all these years, Hercules was right!
*Hercules looks even smugger*
Tom - You can stop that, you know, you'll never be as smug as Stryke.
Hercules - I told you two, I told you that moths were evil!
KR - What are we going to do?
Hercules - We're going to have to fight fire with fire, I suggest we flap our arms really fast, and climb on each other's shoulders. We'll create our OWN swarm, and do battle with the moths!
Tom - Well, yes, that's one idea, but how about something a little less mental?
KR - Well, we still have our cans of spray
Hercules - I left them in my bag, back in that room
Tom - Oh great (!) Well, we'll have to find the most gullible person to go and get them, then
*Darkus and Snuggly crash through the ceiling and land hard on the floor. The MothBusters look at them, smiling*
*Scene 9*
*Snuggly is crawling through the vents, mumbling to himself*
Snuggly - Don't see why I have to... good for nothing cowards... why I oughta... I should be the one giving the orders...
*He stops, and talks into a walkie talkie*
Snuggly - I see the room. There are moths everywhere, they're covering the bag.
Hercules - OK, lower yourself into the room...
*Snuggly opens a vent and drops into the corner of the room*
Snuggly - Right... then what?
Hercules - Flap your arms like a chicken and make funny noises, while the moths are eating you to death, we'll run in and grab the bag
Snuggly - What?! Fun you!
Hercules - Alright, alright... you can flap your arms like a turkey if it'll make you feel better
Snuggly - Look, I'll just grab the bag, and run for it. After all, they're only moths
Hercules - That's what Bob said, as they ate him
Snuggly - He said that?
Hercules - Well, no, it was really more of a blood curdling scream of terror and agony...
Snuggly - Wait, if Bob's dead, then I can keep the £10 I owed him! Woo! Ahem, sorry. I'll just grab the bag, and run back. Over and out.
*Snuggly puts the walkie talkie in his pocket and starts sneaking over to the bag. He steps on a twig, and the noise alerts the moths, working them up into a frenzy*
Snuggly - Why the heck is there a twig inside a building? I mean - "Uh oh!"
*He starts running towards the bag as the moths shoot towards him in a big cloud. It looks like they're about to reach the bag first*
Snuggly - What the heck was I thinking, running TOWARDS the moths?!
*He runs past the bag, slipping his hand into the strap as he shoots by, then turns and starts to run out the door. He makes it out and slams it behind him. He leans back and tries to catch his breath, before he sees the moths are eating their way through the door*
Snuggly - Why me?
*He starts running again, but the moths have already chowed down on the door, and are in hot pursuit. Snuggly starts rummaging through the bag as he runs. In a move Max Payne would be proud of, he dives forward, turning in midair as he pulls two cans of insect spray out of the bag. He starts spraying the thick cloud of angry insects as he flies through the air. The deadly swarm pulls back, dead moths dropping by the dozen. Snuggly lands, does a backwards roll and ends up back on his feet, running again. He stops for a second*
Snuggly - Wow, that was a really cool move!
*He turns to run again, and bumps right into a door frame*
*Scene 10*
*Snuggly bursts into the storeroom, trying to catch his breath*
Snuggly - I... I... I made it, guys... I... I got the... cans
Hercules - Great! But, um... I remembered we all have backup cans in our belts...
*Snuggly's eyes close and he drops to the floor*
Hercules - Sorry...
*Moments later, the MothBusters are getting kitted out... again. Darkus is trying to revive Snuggly*
Hercules - You civilians had better stay here, let the pros handle this!
Darkus - Pros? Who the heck ARE you guys?!
Hercules - Back off, man, I'm a scientist
Tom - Well, he's doing GCSE science... that's close enough
Hercules - We're the MothBusters! Hired to rid the world of evil, namely moths
KR - Evil moths
Hercules - All moths are evil! Right, here's the plan. I'm sure there's some sort of queen moth we can kill, and if we kill it, for no apparent reason all the other moths will stop attacking everyone, and we win. OK, team, let's go. First, the secret MothBusters handshake
Tom - We don't HAVE a secret MothBusters handshake...
Hercules - Really? I thought we went through that. Well, no time to show you now, anyway, I don't trust this guy... he could be a moth in disguise...
Darkus - Me?
Hercules - He's trying to talk to us... don't make eye contact
Tom - Oh, Lord...
*Scene 11*
*The MothBusters are walking, in slow motion, down a corridor towards the room. KR manages to trip up*
Hercules - Right lads, get ready. As soon as we're in there, go for the queen moth. I'm sure it's big and disgusting
*Hercules rolls forward and opens the door. They sprint into the room, which is full of swarm after swarm of moths*
Tom - My God...
Hercules - I've never seen so much evil... pure, concentrated evil...
KR - I'm hungry
Hercules - Pull 'em!
*They each pull a can of insect spray from their belts*
Hercules - Make 'em hot!
Tom - Excuse me?
KR - I think he means shake them up
*They all shake their cans*
KR - Hur hur hur, if only Mystique could see us doing this
Hercules - When I give the signal, unleash hell
Tom - We really need to stop him watching so many films
Hercules - Now!
*The moths notice the gang, and start swirling around the room as they each dive forward, spraying everything in sight. KR is instantly engulfed in moths. He tries to brush them off, but it's no use*
Hercules - I'll avenge you, my loyal warrior!
*The two remaining MothBusters battle the moths, constantly taking cover behind desks and chairs, only to have them eaten away by the hordes of airborne insects. The noise of flapping wings is deafening*
Tom - I'm out!
*Tom discards his empty can of spray, and produces a rolled up newspaper. He begins swinging it wildly*
Hercules - Tom, watch out!
*Tom turns around to see a sea of black and brown moths dive bombing their way towards him*
Tom - Noooooooo!
*The moths descend on Tom, covering him from head to toe. He slowly tries to swat them with his paper, but eventually drops to the floor*
Hercules - It's all up to me... Time to show them what I'm made of... I am HERCULES! Avenger against moths! Die demon spawn!
*He jumps out from behind his cover, and runs in slow motion towards the centre of the room, a can of spray in each hand. Moths drop dead left and right as he continually sprays everywhere*
Hercules - (drawn out) Diiiiiiieeeeee!
*Hercules sees the queen moth, it's the size of a football and is sat in the middle of the room, an army of moths surrounding it*
Hercules - I've got you now!
*Hercules manages to trip up on his own shoe laces. He crashes to the floor, and tries to reach out with his arm in a vein attempt to spray the queen. Moths start crawling all over his body as he tries to inch closer and closer to the nest. They're all over his body now, crawling in and out of his mouth*
Hercules - No... must... kill... queen!
*He starts to get up, but then collapses on the ground again, his head dropping. The moths totally cover his body, but then shoot off in different directions as an air vent cover drops down and lands by Hercules. Snuggly drops down, a can of spray in each hand, and manages to keep the moths at bay*
Snuggly - Come on, man, Hercules, hurry up! I'm double parked!
*Heroic music plays as Hercules lifts his head, spits out a moth, then drags himself along the ground till he comes up on the queen. He raises his hand and presses his finger on the nozzle of the can. The queen tries to move it's fat body, but the mist surrounds it and it chokes on the poisonous fumes*
Hercules - Got you, suckas!
*Inexplicably, all the moths in the room drop down dead. Snuggly gives a sigh of relief as Hercules drags himself to his feet*
Hercules - I... I did it! I saved SR from the evil power of the moths! I'm... I'm a hero! Hurrah!
*Tony walks in and sees the mess*
Tony - What the heck? I leave you lot alone for half an hour, and what do I find? The place has been turned into a morgue for moths! What happened?
Hercules - The moths almost destroyed SR towers, but my team and I saved the day. Couldn't have done it without Snuggly's help, though!
Snuggly - No, you can't have a GAD
Tony - Well, kudos
Hercules - There's just the small matter of payment now... We used up a lot of resources on this mission, and I did lose two of my team. I think £100,000 should just about cover it
Tony - Well, now, here's the problem. You just said yourself, you couldn't have done it without Snuggly, and he's already on my pay roll, so the way I see it is he did all the work, and I don't owe you squat
Hercules - Well that's just great
*The End*
Dedicated to the men and women who risk their lives every day, keeping us safe from moths