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In case you missed part 1, here’s a brief summary:
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 15 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic, now known as SmellyBadger and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
The End.
Until now.
Dum-dum-duummmmm.
PART 2: STRYKE STRIKES BACK
Sniper slunk into Boots and sat on a barstool at the pharmacy counter. An Italian-looking guy was wiping up some medicine cups with a rag.
“Rough day, hey mister?” He questioned and pulled out a bottle of Calpol from behind the counter, spend 5 minutes trying to undo the childproof lid, then slid it across the top. “It’s on the house”
Sniper sighed, “Don’t you have anything stronger? My wife’s left me, okay? I need to drown my sorrows in deadly combination of over-the-counter and illegal drugs.” He sighed again and started fiddling with a small paper parasol.
“Weellll, mister. I don’t a usually do dis, ya know. But I gotta some Tixy-Lix back here. Killed the last three a people I gave a it to. That’ll do, right.”
“Perfect” Sniper mumbled.
He sprinkled some cocaine power along his hand and put a segment of apple on the countertop. Then, in a well-rehearsed movement he licked the cocaine from his hand, downed the Tixy-Lix in one and bit into the apple.
The result had him flown back into a rack of tooth-bushes where an inflatable pink oyster lectured him on the effect the moon has on the tides. A pine bookcase made some rude gestures and several processed beef sandwiches ate his limbs and flushed them down a toilet made of glowing green telephone directories.
His wife, Mystique, floated about his head. Even in this strange world her rack shone like the sun in it’s glory. Shame about the rest of her.
“Sniper. Snniiiipppppeerrrr.” She said, “(Oooohhh, aahhh, spppannnkk myy moonkkeey pleaseee) Sniper. I’ve washed your blue trains, but not the demonic ones. They wouldn’t dry in time.”
The world snapped back around him. The glowing blue Boots sign flashed before him and he sat upright.
“Funnin’ sandwiches,” he mumbled. “Always stealing my legs. And why won’t my demonic trains ever dry in time?”
He shook his head viciously and the pharmacist appeared in front of him, waving a tube of haemorrhoid cream under his nose. It did the trick.
“Mystique!” He shouted as his head cleared. Had his wife come back to him, “Mystique! Are you here!?”
“Sniper” came the voice of a lovely rack from behind him. He’d recognise that voice anywhere. “I knew I’d find you here, Sniper. (Spank-spank) What is it this time? Tixy-Lix, I see,” she frowned disapprovingly. “I’ve come to talk about the children. As there’s so many we’ll have a 50 / 50 split. (Oooh, ooh. MONKEY!) You can have Afrojoe, Dringo, Ant, YH, ProEvo, KR and er-no and I’ll have Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Meka, Aliboy, Starlight, Rasta and Goatboy. I’ve got one more, but Goatboy doesn’t really count. Is that OK?
Sniper mulled it over, “I’ll swap you Dringo for Meka, then it’s even,” Mystique nodded, things jiggled, and they both shook hands. “Who is he, Myst, who? Who’d ya leave me for? Can I kick his ass?”
“Not a chance, Snipe.” She swallowed and looked at the floor, nervous. “It’s Styke, dear. We love each other, well, I love him and he loves my assets. (Spank ma Moonnkkkkeeyyyy) But that’s all that matters. And right now we’re planning world domination. SmellyBadger came in very handy, the Newbieclear missiles can clear a forum in a single post. Plus spam radiation . We’re unstoppable. (oohh, ahhh ohh ooooo OOOooOOoo) Styke’s twice the man you ever were.” She tossed her hair, things jiggled some more.
The pharmacist stood up and looked Mystique straight in the eye. He ripped off his uniform and she gasped. “El Blokey! What’re you (spank) doing here?”
“Styke. He a say keep an eye a on a her. So I a does. Now a you’d gone and a told the husbanda, eh? He say you no tella de husbanda. Now I is gonna takea you to his base. It’s a me, El Blokey”
He grabbed a bottle of liquid laxatives from the shelf and drunk the whole bottle, then grabbed Mystique after a quick, 2 minute glance at her rack. His face scrunched up in a picture of relief and he blasted off through the ceiling leaving a squishy brown substance and a sickening smell behind him.
“NOoooooo!” said Sniper (as well as other stuff I can’t post), trying to breathe through the smell, it seemed to rot his nostrils. “I’ll get you Stryke! I’ll get you for this!” He shed a tear, “Oooohh, minty mouthwash!”
***************
Sniper was walking through the street on his way home. His cheeks were wet, but at least his breath was fresh. He heard a noise, kind of a clanking noise, like some big, metallic monster trying to be quiet.
He stopped, so did the clanks.
He turned sharply and saw nothing but a massive metal pillar right behind him. It looked a little like a leg. He walked on, someone sniggered and the clanking resumed.
He turned again and this time looked up the metal pillar, it was a leg. He saw a newspaper masking someone’s face and heard gentle whistling.
“Ultima!” He called, stopping a laugh, “Ultima Weapon! I can see you!”
The newspaper was lowered the sad face of Ultima Weapon peered over the top.
“You can, huh? Guess I’m not too good at sneaking. Too noisy, I think.”
“Too big, perhaps?”
“Maybe, but not so much.” He sighed and folded his paper. “Tony wants to speak with you. He’s had word from Stryke.” He paused and somehow managed to look nervous. “They had a ....... erm...... a......... kinda.....hmmm....... rela-tion-ship. You know?”
“Yeessss.” Sniper blocked the mental image. He didn’t put it past Tony, he’d ravage a monkey if it squeaked loud enough. But Stryke? One of those? He wasn’t sure.
Ultima continued.
“They got this thing where Stryke tells Tony if he’s planning a world-threatening evil plot of death. And Tony tells Stryke when having pizza. They like pizza. It’s a casual thing, from college.”
“Oh, college. That explains it. Want some mouthwash?”
“Oh, OK. You should pack, then we’ll get going. Tony’s expecting us soon.” He paused, “Actually, he’s not. He just tells me to say things like that. Makes him feel good.”
*******
A while later, Sniper was packing his weapons form the garden shed. Something was missing.
“Ultima” he shouted, “The monkey’s gone. Myst’s polystyrene spanking monkey friend. It’s got my special banning button in it! My power! It’s gone! Noooooo!”
“Pardon,” said Ultima. “I was looking at the cartoons”
************
“Where is it!” shouted Stryke, frothing slightly at the mouth. He had Mystique in a cage, suspended above his giant fondu pot of melted cheese. His clothes were made of skins. The skins of the Newbies he had destroyed with mockery and taunting. And on his head was his latest victim, a fashionable beret of SmellyBadger sat upon his head. He had sucked all the nice stuff from the body, but it still smelt like crazy. So did the rest of him.
“I’ll never tell (monkey spank) you!” Mystique shouted back. “That monkey’s the only thing I’ve got left in my (ooOOooOO) life. I’ve hidden it somewhere in your (spank spank) base. You’ll never find it, never! NEEVVEERRRRR!”
“Mister Stryke, sir,” came El Blokey’s voice. “I’ve a found the a monkey, sir! Itta was ina the bathroom, in de bath. Veeryy clever lady. You a never goes ina there, eh?”
“Of course!” said Stryke.
“Oh crap” said Mystique.
“It’s a me!” said El Blokey.
“Hello, chaps.” said ssxpro.
“Who’s that?” said Mystique.
“Dunno” said El Blokey
“No idea.” said Stryke.
“Toodle-pip” said ssxpro and left.
Everyone shrugged.
“With this monkey! I can rule the world!” shouted Stryke. "Did you send that letter to Tony?”
“Yes a sir, I’s a did!”
He ripped off the monkey’s head to reveal the glowing red banning-button of power beneath. It lit up the room and Stryke’s evil face.
“Oohh, the power.” he giggled like a little girl. “El Blokey, get the subs ready. We’re moving out to the USRN base. Tony won’t know what’s hit him. Mwu-ha-haaaa”
“Er, a sir? Yes he a will. You’ve a sent him a letter a saying all of a that, eh?”
“Oh crap. I must stop doing that. Let’s go!”
**************
“You’re not bringing the kids?” Ultima questioned. Sniper’s brow wrinkled.
“No. Myst must have them.” He looked satisfied.
“Hasn’t she been captured by the man who she was seeing behind your back who is also your arch-enemy and is plotting a world domination as we speak.”
“Ah, yes. Well, they must be at a friend’s house.”
“ALL of them?”
“Weellll.” Sniper looked a little nervous. “Maybe. We’ll see.” He refused to say anymore.
***************
A shrill, girlish, incredibly camp and most probably gay voice called to Sniper and Ultima as they arrived at the USRN’s main base on the east-African coast.
“Sniper, my good chap. I’ve been expecting you.” It was Tony, head of USRN. “Mystique dropped you kids off a few days ago. Is everything alright? I’ve put them in the combat centre, Goatboy misses you.”
“Weellll.” Sniper said. “Myst’s left me. For Stryke. Who’s actually captured her. And taken my banning button. And is probably planning a Newbieclear strike any moment. Apart from that? No, no, everything’s fine.”
Tony paused, slightly confused, his bent wrist waggling like a worm. “Ah, that’ll explain the letter, then.” He pulled out a piece of paper form his pocket and read aloud:
Dear Tonty, hope things are well.
Better make some pizza, cos I’m gonna come and kill you.
“Terribly nice chap.” Tony said, “Even calls me Tonty, just like the good old days.” He sighed in a school-girl-with-a-stupid -crush-on-her-redicolously-ugly-and- stupid-65-year-old-teacher kind of a way. “Let’s go see your kids.”
“Hewo Da-da,” gurgled Goatboy as they walked into the combat centre. He was the youngest child, Myst’s favourite, and probably the stupidest.
“Role call!” shouted Sniper, and the screaming rabble of children filed in neatly. They stood to attention and held their hands out. Sniper walked along the line. “Hmmmmm. That’s 6 fingers, 2 toes, 3 eyes, an ear, a leg, 2 arms and a lung. Plus a few near-fatal flesh wounds. IS EVERYBODY ALRIGHT!”
“Yes, Sir!” Came the reply, a pool of blood rapidly forming around the line.
“Then carry on.” Every weapon imaginable was produced form pockets and from behind backs, knifes, guns, tazers, grenades, spears and rocket launchers. The rabble set back to destroying each other. Goatboy tried to fit as many bullets up his nose as possible.
**********
“Are we there yet?” Questioned Stryke
“No a sir. Notta yet.” El Blokey replied, his boss was very impatient.
“Are we there yet?”
“No”
“Are we there yet?”
“No!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NNNOOOO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“Er...... yes.”
“OK.”
“We’re not really (ooOOo) there yet.” Mystiques chimed in from her cage. “He just said that to shut you (my my monkey) up.” El Blokey stared at her rack angrily.
“Are we there yet?” Stryke sung.
“Listen, my good chap,” said ssxpro, “We’re there when the subs stop and everyone gets off, OK?”
“Where’d you come from?” said both Mystique and El Blokey.
“OK.” said Stryke and started happily playing with his hat.
******
“We’re a here,” said El Blokey, standing up.
“Are we there ye...... oh, we are?” Stryke stood up and opened the door of the sub. He was suddenly rather wet.
Mystique tried to laugh, but her mouth was full of water, and a fish. She tried to shrug, which is hard underwater and gave up. So she swam out the sub to the surface.
“Ma-ma?” said Goatboy “Wook, wook!” He was sitting on the beach outside the USRN headquarters with a crab in his ear, his mouth full of seaweed and his Y-fronts filled with sea-horses. He had a bottle of mouthwash up his nose.
“That’s nice, dear.” Mystique laughed out loud.
“Bouncy,” said Goatboy, “Bouncy, bouncy!”
Something crawled up the beach next to Mystique, she screamed. It was a rather dead-looking and pretty smelly badger come back from the dead. It was glowing a familiar red. Stryke appeared and picked up the badger, stroking it’s head.
“Pretty pretty pretty.” He crooned. “With the banning-button inside of you, we’re unstoppable. Let’s go ban....Tonty!” he giggled.
“You can’t do (monkey spank) that!” Shouted Mystique. “He’s your friend (oo-ooo). He makes you pizza.”
“Damn it! Then I’ll just have to ban.... Sniper! How’d you like that?” he giggled again and ran towards the headquarters.
“Poo-poo!” said Goatboy. “He smell poo-poo!”
*******
“He coming,” said Tony. They were in his bedroom. Not a pretty sight. Pink fluff was everywhere. Pictures of Dale Winton and Graham Norton festooned the walls. The Spice Girls played gently in the background and small rat-like poodles ran amongst the knee-high fluffy carpet. Sniper had a headache.
“When he’s inside, we wont be able to see him anymore,” Tony stated, he was making a bunker out of inflatable cushions.
A vein in Sniper’s head throbbed and he ran out the room. If anyone was going to save the day, it could possibly be him. Well, there was a chance.
He looked out the window and saw two round, plump visions of loveliness. Mystique! She was here! Maybe she’d come back to him. Maybe. He’d missed her (rack)
Sniper caught Stryke in the dining hall. He had stopped for a snack before starting his evil plot and was sitting in a high-backed chair eating a quardruple-cheese pizza, freshly baked by Tony for the occasion.
Sniper sat down and ate a slice with him and they talked politely about certain rumours about next-next-gen consoles.
“Finished?” inquired Stryke after swallowing his last mouthful. Sniper nodded and walked to the door. He paused then spun quickly around on his heel.
“Stryke!” He shouted. “So we meet again.”
“Err.. yes, so we do. Now I do rather hate doing this but it’s in my nature you see. With your banning button I’ve created the ultimate monster.” he lifted the badger hat from his head and placed it on the table. “After I’m done here, it’s off to Hull with my Newbieclear subs. Those smelly lot of scrotums won’t know what’s him ‘em.” He giggled and the badger sat up, glowing sadistically.
“Hmph. Ernm, plogui, kssssssss munninin arrrrrllllll. Hmmmm” said Sniper, slightly confused.
Mystique and Goatboy, still clutching the mouthwash, entered silently through the door behind Stryke to watch. Goatboy trotted over to a chair and climbed on top of it, then on to the table. He sat down in front of SmellyBadgerBanningButtonHat and sneezed. The badger sniffed his crotch.
“Poopy poopy. Smeelllll.” said Goatboy.
“NOW!” shouted Stryke.
“Hmmmmm, errrr, ummmm, eh.” said Sniper
“Pizza, is it?” said ssxpro from a corner.
Mystique just jiggled.
The badger rose and opened it’s mouth. There the banning button stood proudly. He pointed it at Sniper and hiccuped.
“Ah!” said Sniper, “I gets what going on here!”
“Poopy!” Said Goatboy. And raised the mouthwash in the air. A beam of red banning-ness issued forth from the mouth of the SmellyBadger at the same time as Goatboy threw the mouthwash. So smelly was the red beam, upon impact with the bottle it was cleaned considerably. It turned from a red to gold and smelt minty fresh, it shone brilliantly. Sniper raised the mirror that was, conveniently, placed in front of him and deflected the beam.
It headed straight towards ssxpro who was inspecting the fine china. Everyone winced. But a banning never took place. Instead ssxpro glowed a brilliant gold, the gold of the purified banning beam, and was lifted into the air.
A gold robe and sceptre appeared in front of him and a throne behind him. He had been promoted to Notable status.
“Wha-?” Said Stryke
“How? (monkey) ” said Mystique
“Why?” cried Sniper.
“Ohhh, I say. We can’t be having that now,” said Tony, who had just entered. The golden shower (tee-hee) around ssxpro diminished and he became a lowly regular again.
“Stryke?” Tony continued, “I think you better leave.”
“Of, course, of course.” Said Stryke politely. “I don’t believe it. A ban? Purified into a promotion. That’s impossible! I’ll go now, Tony, but I’ll return. And next time, I’ll be a Notable. You can count on that.”
He ran from the room, eyes wide, brain in overdrive.
“He’ll be (spank my) back.” Tony sighed. “If he works out how to purify a ban, we’ll be done for. He still has your polystyrene monkey.”
Mystique sobbed heavily, “My monkey!” she cried. Things jiggled.
“I say!” Said ssxpro.
“Bouncy!” Squealed Goatboy.
***********
Ithankyouverymuchindeed,
FFF
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 15 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic, now known as SmellyBadger and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
The End.
Until now.
Dum-dum-duummmmm.
PART 2: STRYKE STRIKES BACK
Sniper slunk into Boots and sat on a barstool at the pharmacy counter. An Italian-looking guy was wiping up some medicine cups with a rag.
“Rough day, hey mister?” He questioned and pulled out a bottle of Calpol from behind the counter, spend 5 minutes trying to undo the childproof lid, then slid it across the top. “It’s on the house”
Sniper sighed, “Don’t you have anything stronger? My wife’s left me, okay? I need to drown my sorrows in deadly combination of over-the-counter and illegal drugs.” He sighed again and started fiddling with a small paper parasol.
“Weellll, mister. I don’t a usually do dis, ya know. But I gotta some Tixy-Lix back here. Killed the last three a people I gave a it to. That’ll do, right.”
“Perfect” Sniper mumbled.
He sprinkled some cocaine power along his hand and put a segment of apple on the countertop. Then, in a well-rehearsed movement he licked the cocaine from his hand, downed the Tixy-Lix in one and bit into the apple.
The result had him flown back into a rack of tooth-bushes where an inflatable pink oyster lectured him on the effect the moon has on the tides. A pine bookcase made some rude gestures and several processed beef sandwiches ate his limbs and flushed them down a toilet made of glowing green telephone directories.
His wife, Mystique, floated about his head. Even in this strange world her rack shone like the sun in it’s glory. Shame about the rest of her.
“Sniper. Snniiiipppppeerrrr.” She said, “(Oooohhh, aahhh, spppannnkk myy moonkkeey pleaseee) Sniper. I’ve washed your blue trains, but not the demonic ones. They wouldn’t dry in time.”
The world snapped back around him. The glowing blue Boots sign flashed before him and he sat upright.
“Funnin’ sandwiches,” he mumbled. “Always stealing my legs. And why won’t my demonic trains ever dry in time?”
He shook his head viciously and the pharmacist appeared in front of him, waving a tube of haemorrhoid cream under his nose. It did the trick.
“Mystique!” He shouted as his head cleared. Had his wife come back to him, “Mystique! Are you here!?”
“Sniper” came the voice of a lovely rack from behind him. He’d recognise that voice anywhere. “I knew I’d find you here, Sniper. (Spank-spank) What is it this time? Tixy-Lix, I see,” she frowned disapprovingly. “I’ve come to talk about the children. As there’s so many we’ll have a 50 / 50 split. (Oooh, ooh. MONKEY!) You can have Afrojoe, Dringo, Ant, YH, ProEvo, KR and er-no and I’ll have Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Meka, Aliboy, Starlight, Rasta and Goatboy. I’ve got one more, but Goatboy doesn’t really count. Is that OK?
Sniper mulled it over, “I’ll swap you Dringo for Meka, then it’s even,” Mystique nodded, things jiggled, and they both shook hands. “Who is he, Myst, who? Who’d ya leave me for? Can I kick his ass?”
“Not a chance, Snipe.” She swallowed and looked at the floor, nervous. “It’s Styke, dear. We love each other, well, I love him and he loves my assets. (Spank ma Moonnkkkkeeyyyy) But that’s all that matters. And right now we’re planning world domination. SmellyBadger came in very handy, the Newbieclear missiles can clear a forum in a single post. Plus spam radiation . We’re unstoppable. (oohh, ahhh ohh ooooo OOOooOOoo) Styke’s twice the man you ever were.” She tossed her hair, things jiggled some more.
The pharmacist stood up and looked Mystique straight in the eye. He ripped off his uniform and she gasped. “El Blokey! What’re you (spank) doing here?”
“Styke. He a say keep an eye a on a her. So I a does. Now a you’d gone and a told the husbanda, eh? He say you no tella de husbanda. Now I is gonna takea you to his base. It’s a me, El Blokey”
He grabbed a bottle of liquid laxatives from the shelf and drunk the whole bottle, then grabbed Mystique after a quick, 2 minute glance at her rack. His face scrunched up in a picture of relief and he blasted off through the ceiling leaving a squishy brown substance and a sickening smell behind him.
“NOoooooo!” said Sniper (as well as other stuff I can’t post), trying to breathe through the smell, it seemed to rot his nostrils. “I’ll get you Stryke! I’ll get you for this!” He shed a tear, “Oooohh, minty mouthwash!”
***************
Sniper was walking through the street on his way home. His cheeks were wet, but at least his breath was fresh. He heard a noise, kind of a clanking noise, like some big, metallic monster trying to be quiet.
He stopped, so did the clanks.
He turned sharply and saw nothing but a massive metal pillar right behind him. It looked a little like a leg. He walked on, someone sniggered and the clanking resumed.
He turned again and this time looked up the metal pillar, it was a leg. He saw a newspaper masking someone’s face and heard gentle whistling.
“Ultima!” He called, stopping a laugh, “Ultima Weapon! I can see you!”
The newspaper was lowered the sad face of Ultima Weapon peered over the top.
“You can, huh? Guess I’m not too good at sneaking. Too noisy, I think.”
“Too big, perhaps?”
“Maybe, but not so much.” He sighed and folded his paper. “Tony wants to speak with you. He’s had word from Stryke.” He paused and somehow managed to look nervous. “They had a ....... erm...... a......... kinda.....hmmm....... rela-tion-ship. You know?”
“Yeessss.” Sniper blocked the mental image. He didn’t put it past Tony, he’d ravage a monkey if it squeaked loud enough. But Stryke? One of those? He wasn’t sure.
Ultima continued.
“They got this thing where Stryke tells Tony if he’s planning a world-threatening evil plot of death. And Tony tells Stryke when having pizza. They like pizza. It’s a casual thing, from college.”
“Oh, college. That explains it. Want some mouthwash?”
“Oh, OK. You should pack, then we’ll get going. Tony’s expecting us soon.” He paused, “Actually, he’s not. He just tells me to say things like that. Makes him feel good.”
*******
A while later, Sniper was packing his weapons form the garden shed. Something was missing.
“Ultima” he shouted, “The monkey’s gone. Myst’s polystyrene spanking monkey friend. It’s got my special banning button in it! My power! It’s gone! Noooooo!”
“Pardon,” said Ultima. “I was looking at the cartoons”
************
“Where is it!” shouted Stryke, frothing slightly at the mouth. He had Mystique in a cage, suspended above his giant fondu pot of melted cheese. His clothes were made of skins. The skins of the Newbies he had destroyed with mockery and taunting. And on his head was his latest victim, a fashionable beret of SmellyBadger sat upon his head. He had sucked all the nice stuff from the body, but it still smelt like crazy. So did the rest of him.
“I’ll never tell (monkey spank) you!” Mystique shouted back. “That monkey’s the only thing I’ve got left in my (ooOOooOO) life. I’ve hidden it somewhere in your (spank spank) base. You’ll never find it, never! NEEVVEERRRRR!”
“Mister Stryke, sir,” came El Blokey’s voice. “I’ve a found the a monkey, sir! Itta was ina the bathroom, in de bath. Veeryy clever lady. You a never goes ina there, eh?”
“Of course!” said Stryke.
“Oh crap” said Mystique.
“It’s a me!” said El Blokey.
“Hello, chaps.” said ssxpro.
“Who’s that?” said Mystique.
“Dunno” said El Blokey
“No idea.” said Stryke.
“Toodle-pip” said ssxpro and left.
Everyone shrugged.
“With this monkey! I can rule the world!” shouted Stryke. "Did you send that letter to Tony?”
“Yes a sir, I’s a did!”
He ripped off the monkey’s head to reveal the glowing red banning-button of power beneath. It lit up the room and Stryke’s evil face.
“Oohh, the power.” he giggled like a little girl. “El Blokey, get the subs ready. We’re moving out to the USRN base. Tony won’t know what’s hit him. Mwu-ha-haaaa”
“Er, a sir? Yes he a will. You’ve a sent him a letter a saying all of a that, eh?”
“Oh crap. I must stop doing that. Let’s go!”
**************
“You’re not bringing the kids?” Ultima questioned. Sniper’s brow wrinkled.
“No. Myst must have them.” He looked satisfied.
“Hasn’t she been captured by the man who she was seeing behind your back who is also your arch-enemy and is plotting a world domination as we speak.”
“Ah, yes. Well, they must be at a friend’s house.”
“ALL of them?”
“Weellll.” Sniper looked a little nervous. “Maybe. We’ll see.” He refused to say anymore.
***************
A shrill, girlish, incredibly camp and most probably gay voice called to Sniper and Ultima as they arrived at the USRN’s main base on the east-African coast.
“Sniper, my good chap. I’ve been expecting you.” It was Tony, head of USRN. “Mystique dropped you kids off a few days ago. Is everything alright? I’ve put them in the combat centre, Goatboy misses you.”
“Weellll.” Sniper said. “Myst’s left me. For Stryke. Who’s actually captured her. And taken my banning button. And is probably planning a Newbieclear strike any moment. Apart from that? No, no, everything’s fine.”
Tony paused, slightly confused, his bent wrist waggling like a worm. “Ah, that’ll explain the letter, then.” He pulled out a piece of paper form his pocket and read aloud:
Dear Tonty, hope things are well.
Better make some pizza, cos I’m gonna come and kill you.
“Terribly nice chap.” Tony said, “Even calls me Tonty, just like the good old days.” He sighed in a school-girl-with-a-stupid -crush-on-her-redicolously-ugly-and- stupid-65-year-old-teacher kind of a way. “Let’s go see your kids.”
“Hewo Da-da,” gurgled Goatboy as they walked into the combat centre. He was the youngest child, Myst’s favourite, and probably the stupidest.
“Role call!” shouted Sniper, and the screaming rabble of children filed in neatly. They stood to attention and held their hands out. Sniper walked along the line. “Hmmmmm. That’s 6 fingers, 2 toes, 3 eyes, an ear, a leg, 2 arms and a lung. Plus a few near-fatal flesh wounds. IS EVERYBODY ALRIGHT!”
“Yes, Sir!” Came the reply, a pool of blood rapidly forming around the line.
“Then carry on.” Every weapon imaginable was produced form pockets and from behind backs, knifes, guns, tazers, grenades, spears and rocket launchers. The rabble set back to destroying each other. Goatboy tried to fit as many bullets up his nose as possible.
**********
“Are we there yet?” Questioned Stryke
“No a sir. Notta yet.” El Blokey replied, his boss was very impatient.
“Are we there yet?”
“No”
“Are we there yet?”
“No!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NNNOOOO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“Er...... yes.”
“OK.”
“We’re not really (ooOOo) there yet.” Mystiques chimed in from her cage. “He just said that to shut you (my my monkey) up.” El Blokey stared at her rack angrily.
“Are we there yet?” Stryke sung.
“Listen, my good chap,” said ssxpro, “We’re there when the subs stop and everyone gets off, OK?”
“Where’d you come from?” said both Mystique and El Blokey.
“OK.” said Stryke and started happily playing with his hat.
******
“We’re a here,” said El Blokey, standing up.
“Are we there ye...... oh, we are?” Stryke stood up and opened the door of the sub. He was suddenly rather wet.
Mystique tried to laugh, but her mouth was full of water, and a fish. She tried to shrug, which is hard underwater and gave up. So she swam out the sub to the surface.
“Ma-ma?” said Goatboy “Wook, wook!” He was sitting on the beach outside the USRN headquarters with a crab in his ear, his mouth full of seaweed and his Y-fronts filled with sea-horses. He had a bottle of mouthwash up his nose.
“That’s nice, dear.” Mystique laughed out loud.
“Bouncy,” said Goatboy, “Bouncy, bouncy!”
Something crawled up the beach next to Mystique, she screamed. It was a rather dead-looking and pretty smelly badger come back from the dead. It was glowing a familiar red. Stryke appeared and picked up the badger, stroking it’s head.
“Pretty pretty pretty.” He crooned. “With the banning-button inside of you, we’re unstoppable. Let’s go ban....Tonty!” he giggled.
“You can’t do (monkey spank) that!” Shouted Mystique. “He’s your friend (oo-ooo). He makes you pizza.”
“Damn it! Then I’ll just have to ban.... Sniper! How’d you like that?” he giggled again and ran towards the headquarters.
“Poo-poo!” said Goatboy. “He smell poo-poo!”
*******
“He coming,” said Tony. They were in his bedroom. Not a pretty sight. Pink fluff was everywhere. Pictures of Dale Winton and Graham Norton festooned the walls. The Spice Girls played gently in the background and small rat-like poodles ran amongst the knee-high fluffy carpet. Sniper had a headache.
“When he’s inside, we wont be able to see him anymore,” Tony stated, he was making a bunker out of inflatable cushions.
A vein in Sniper’s head throbbed and he ran out the room. If anyone was going to save the day, it could possibly be him. Well, there was a chance.
He looked out the window and saw two round, plump visions of loveliness. Mystique! She was here! Maybe she’d come back to him. Maybe. He’d missed her (rack)
Sniper caught Stryke in the dining hall. He had stopped for a snack before starting his evil plot and was sitting in a high-backed chair eating a quardruple-cheese pizza, freshly baked by Tony for the occasion.
Sniper sat down and ate a slice with him and they talked politely about certain rumours about next-next-gen consoles.
“Finished?” inquired Stryke after swallowing his last mouthful. Sniper nodded and walked to the door. He paused then spun quickly around on his heel.
“Stryke!” He shouted. “So we meet again.”
“Err.. yes, so we do. Now I do rather hate doing this but it’s in my nature you see. With your banning button I’ve created the ultimate monster.” he lifted the badger hat from his head and placed it on the table. “After I’m done here, it’s off to Hull with my Newbieclear subs. Those smelly lot of scrotums won’t know what’s him ‘em.” He giggled and the badger sat up, glowing sadistically.
“Hmph. Ernm, plogui, kssssssss munninin arrrrrllllll. Hmmmm” said Sniper, slightly confused.
Mystique and Goatboy, still clutching the mouthwash, entered silently through the door behind Stryke to watch. Goatboy trotted over to a chair and climbed on top of it, then on to the table. He sat down in front of SmellyBadgerBanningButtonHat and sneezed. The badger sniffed his crotch.
“Poopy poopy. Smeelllll.” said Goatboy.
“NOW!” shouted Stryke.
“Hmmmmm, errrr, ummmm, eh.” said Sniper
“Pizza, is it?” said ssxpro from a corner.
Mystique just jiggled.
The badger rose and opened it’s mouth. There the banning button stood proudly. He pointed it at Sniper and hiccuped.
“Ah!” said Sniper, “I gets what going on here!”
“Poopy!” Said Goatboy. And raised the mouthwash in the air. A beam of red banning-ness issued forth from the mouth of the SmellyBadger at the same time as Goatboy threw the mouthwash. So smelly was the red beam, upon impact with the bottle it was cleaned considerably. It turned from a red to gold and smelt minty fresh, it shone brilliantly. Sniper raised the mirror that was, conveniently, placed in front of him and deflected the beam.
It headed straight towards ssxpro who was inspecting the fine china. Everyone winced. But a banning never took place. Instead ssxpro glowed a brilliant gold, the gold of the purified banning beam, and was lifted into the air.
A gold robe and sceptre appeared in front of him and a throne behind him. He had been promoted to Notable status.
“Wha-?” Said Stryke
“How? (monkey) ” said Mystique
“Why?” cried Sniper.
“Ohhh, I say. We can’t be having that now,” said Tony, who had just entered. The golden shower (tee-hee) around ssxpro diminished and he became a lowly regular again.
“Stryke?” Tony continued, “I think you better leave.”
“Of, course, of course.” Said Stryke politely. “I don’t believe it. A ban? Purified into a promotion. That’s impossible! I’ll go now, Tony, but I’ll return. And next time, I’ll be a Notable. You can count on that.”
He ran from the room, eyes wide, brain in overdrive.
“He’ll be (spank my) back.” Tony sighed. “If he works out how to purify a ban, we’ll be done for. He still has your polystyrene monkey.”
Mystique sobbed heavily, “My monkey!” she cried. Things jiggled.
“I say!” Said ssxpro.
“Bouncy!” Squealed Goatboy.
***********
Ithankyouverymuchindeed,
FFF
Thank you everyone. Glad to have some regognition for the work I do : )
I'll probably write the next bit (probably the final bit) in a few weeks. I enjoy this kind o' thang
I'll probably write the next bit (probably the final bit) in a few weeks. I enjoy this kind o' thang
Viagra.
How come you are so good. What sort of drugs do you use?
Whoa. Read it all.
Phew.
Brilliant.
I do have a nice rack too ya know.
*Jiggles* :p
SSSSSPAAAAAAAANKKKK MAAAAAAA MONKKKKEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY
OOHHHHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OOK OKK OOK OOK
Phew.
Brilliant.
I do have a nice rack too ya know.
*Jiggles* :p
SSSSSPAAAAAAAANKKKK MAAAAAAA MONKKKKEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY
OOHHHHH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OOK OKK OOK OOK
*Flushes red*
Ok, someone was reading it.
Cheers FM. I'm actually writing a proper novel, by the way. 20,100 words at the mo.
There's some of the 1st sections in the Stories forum. Probably on the other page
Ok, someone was reading it.
Cheers FM. I'm actually writing a proper novel, by the way. 20,100 words at the mo.
There's some of the 1st sections in the Stories forum. Probably on the other page
Hey, look, it's a shinning diamond of brilliance amongst tons of crappy spamming idiotic babble.
Let's all ignore it!
Yay!
Let's all ignore it!
Yay!
Apart from the fact that I nearly broke the scroll-wheel on my mouse trying to get to the 'Reply' link at the bottom, that was very good.
I particularly liked the surreal imagery (rat-like poodles, Spice Girls playing gently, bullets up nostrils etc). The whole thing reminded me of William S. Burroughs' Naked Lunch.
Thought of a career in screenplay writing? And when is Episode 3: Return of the Rack(?) being published?
I particularly liked the surreal imagery (rat-like poodles, Spice Girls playing gently, bullets up nostrils etc). The whole thing reminded me of William S. Burroughs' Naked Lunch.
Thought of a career in screenplay writing? And when is Episode 3: Return of the Rack(?) being published?
In case you missed part 1, here’s a brief summary:
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 15 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic, now known as SmellyBadger and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
The End.
Until now.
Dum-dum-duummmmm.
PART 2: STRYKE STRIKES BACK
Sniper slunk into Boots and sat on a barstool at the pharmacy counter. An Italian-looking guy was wiping up some medicine cups with a rag.
“Rough day, hey mister?” He questioned and pulled out a bottle of Calpol from behind the counter, spend 5 minutes trying to undo the childproof lid, then slid it across the top. “It’s on the house”
Sniper sighed, “Don’t you have anything stronger? My wife’s left me, okay? I need to drown my sorrows in deadly combination of over-the-counter and illegal drugs.” He sighed again and started fiddling with a small paper parasol.
“Weellll, mister. I don’t a usually do dis, ya know. But I gotta some Tixy-Lix back here. Killed the last three a people I gave a it to. That’ll do, right.”
“Perfect” Sniper mumbled.
He sprinkled some cocaine power along his hand and put a segment of apple on the countertop. Then, in a well-rehearsed movement he licked the cocaine from his hand, downed the Tixy-Lix in one and bit into the apple.
The result had him flown back into a rack of tooth-bushes where an inflatable pink oyster lectured him on the effect the moon has on the tides. A pine bookcase made some rude gestures and several processed beef sandwiches ate his limbs and flushed them down a toilet made of glowing green telephone directories.
His wife, Mystique, floated about his head. Even in this strange world her rack shone like the sun in it’s glory. Shame about the rest of her.
“Sniper. Snniiiipppppeerrrr.” She said, “(Oooohhh, aahhh, spppannnkk myy moonkkeey pleaseee) Sniper. I’ve washed your blue trains, but not the demonic ones. They wouldn’t dry in time.”
The world snapped back around him. The glowing blue Boots sign flashed before him and he sat upright.
“Funnin’ sandwiches,” he mumbled. “Always stealing my legs. And why won’t my demonic trains ever dry in time?”
He shook his head viciously and the pharmacist appeared in front of him, waving a tube of haemorrhoid cream under his nose. It did the trick.
“Mystique!” He shouted as his head cleared. Had his wife come back to him, “Mystique! Are you here!?”
“Sniper” came the voice of a lovely rack from behind him. He’d recognise that voice anywhere. “I knew I’d find you here, Sniper. (Spank-spank) What is it this time? Tixy-Lix, I see,” she frowned disapprovingly. “I’ve come to talk about the children. As there’s so many we’ll have a 50 / 50 split. (Oooh, ooh. MONKEY!) You can have Afrojoe, Dringo, Ant, YH, ProEvo, KR and er-no and I’ll have Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Meka, Aliboy, Starlight, Rasta and Goatboy. I’ve got one more, but Goatboy doesn’t really count. Is that OK?
Sniper mulled it over, “I’ll swap you Dringo for Meka, then it’s even,” Mystique nodded, things jiggled, and they both shook hands. “Who is he, Myst, who? Who’d ya leave me for? Can I kick his ass?”
“Not a chance, Snipe.” She swallowed and looked at the floor, nervous. “It’s Styke, dear. We love each other, well, I love him and he loves my assets. (Spank ma Moonnkkkkeeyyyy) But that’s all that matters. And right now we’re planning world domination. SmellyBadger came in very handy, the Newbieclear missiles can clear a forum in a single post. Plus spam radiation . We’re unstoppable. (oohh, ahhh ohh ooooo OOOooOOoo) Styke’s twice the man you ever were.” She tossed her hair, things jiggled some more.
The pharmacist stood up and looked Mystique straight in the eye. He ripped off his uniform and she gasped. “El Blokey! What’re you (spank) doing here?”
“Styke. He a say keep an eye a on a her. So I a does. Now a you’d gone and a told the husbanda, eh? He say you no tella de husbanda. Now I is gonna takea you to his base. It’s a me, El Blokey”
He grabbed a bottle of liquid laxatives from the shelf and drunk the whole bottle, then grabbed Mystique after a quick, 2 minute glance at her rack. His face scrunched up in a picture of relief and he blasted off through the ceiling leaving a squishy brown substance and a sickening smell behind him.
“NOoooooo!” said Sniper (as well as other stuff I can’t post), trying to breathe through the smell, it seemed to rot his nostrils. “I’ll get you Stryke! I’ll get you for this!” He shed a tear, “Oooohh, minty mouthwash!”
***************
Sniper was walking through the street on his way home. His cheeks were wet, but at least his breath was fresh. He heard a noise, kind of a clanking noise, like some big, metallic monster trying to be quiet.
He stopped, so did the clanks.
He turned sharply and saw nothing but a massive metal pillar right behind him. It looked a little like a leg. He walked on, someone sniggered and the clanking resumed.
He turned again and this time looked up the metal pillar, it was a leg. He saw a newspaper masking someone’s face and heard gentle whistling.
“Ultima!” He called, stopping a laugh, “Ultima Weapon! I can see you!”
The newspaper was lowered the sad face of Ultima Weapon peered over the top.
“You can, huh? Guess I’m not too good at sneaking. Too noisy, I think.”
“Too big, perhaps?”
“Maybe, but not so much.” He sighed and folded his paper. “Tony wants to speak with you. He’s had word from Stryke.” He paused and somehow managed to look nervous. “They had a ....... erm...... a......... kinda.....hmmm....... rela-tion-ship. You know?”
“Yeessss.” Sniper blocked the mental image. He didn’t put it past Tony, he’d ravage a monkey if it squeaked loud enough. But Stryke? One of those? He wasn’t sure.
Ultima continued.
“They got this thing where Stryke tells Tony if he’s planning a world-threatening evil plot of death. And Tony tells Stryke when having pizza. They like pizza. It’s a casual thing, from college.”
“Oh, college. That explains it. Want some mouthwash?”
“Oh, OK. You should pack, then we’ll get going. Tony’s expecting us soon.” He paused, “Actually, he’s not. He just tells me to say things like that. Makes him feel good.”
*******
A while later, Sniper was packing his weapons form the garden shed. Something was missing.
“Ultima” he shouted, “The monkey’s gone. Myst’s polystyrene spanking monkey friend. It’s got my special banning button in it! My power! It’s gone! Noooooo!”
“Pardon,” said Ultima. “I was looking at the cartoons”
************
“Where is it!” shouted Stryke, frothing slightly at the mouth. He had Mystique in a cage, suspended above his giant fondu pot of melted cheese. His clothes were made of skins. The skins of the Newbies he had destroyed with mockery and taunting. And on his head was his latest victim, a fashionable beret of SmellyBadger sat upon his head. He had sucked all the nice stuff from the body, but it still smelt like crazy. So did the rest of him.
“I’ll never tell (monkey spank) you!” Mystique shouted back. “That monkey’s the only thing I’ve got left in my (ooOOooOO) life. I’ve hidden it somewhere in your (spank spank) base. You’ll never find it, never! NEEVVEERRRRR!”
“Mister Stryke, sir,” came El Blokey’s voice. “I’ve a found the a monkey, sir! Itta was ina the bathroom, in de bath. Veeryy clever lady. You a never goes ina there, eh?”
“Of course!” said Stryke.
“Oh crap” said Mystique.
“It’s a me!” said El Blokey.
“Hello, chaps.” said ssxpro.
“Who’s that?” said Mystique.
“Dunno” said El Blokey
“No idea.” said Stryke.
“Toodle-pip” said ssxpro and left.
Everyone shrugged.
“With this monkey! I can rule the world!” shouted Stryke. "Did you send that letter to Tony?”
“Yes a sir, I’s a did!”
He ripped off the monkey’s head to reveal the glowing red banning-button of power beneath. It lit up the room and Stryke’s evil face.
“Oohh, the power.” he giggled like a little girl. “El Blokey, get the subs ready. We’re moving out to the USRN base. Tony won’t know what’s hit him. Mwu-ha-haaaa”
“Er, a sir? Yes he a will. You’ve a sent him a letter a saying all of a that, eh?”
“Oh crap. I must stop doing that. Let’s go!”
**************
“You’re not bringing the kids?” Ultima questioned. Sniper’s brow wrinkled.
“No. Myst must have them.” He looked satisfied.
“Hasn’t she been captured by the man who she was seeing behind your back who is also your arch-enemy and is plotting a world domination as we speak.”
“Ah, yes. Well, they must be at a friend’s house.”
“ALL of them?”
“Weellll.” Sniper looked a little nervous. “Maybe. We’ll see.” He refused to say anymore.
***************
A shrill, girlish, incredibly camp and most probably gay voice called to Sniper and Ultima as they arrived at the USRN’s main base on the east-African coast.
“Sniper, my good chap. I’ve been expecting you.” It was Tony, head of USRN. “Mystique dropped you kids off a few days ago. Is everything alright? I’ve put them in the combat centre, Goatboy misses you.”
“Weellll.” Sniper said. “Myst’s left me. For Stryke. Who’s actually captured her. And taken my banning button. And is probably planning a Newbieclear strike any moment. Apart from that? No, no, everything’s fine.”
Tony paused, slightly confused, his bent wrist waggling like a worm. “Ah, that’ll explain the letter, then.” He pulled out a piece of paper form his pocket and read aloud:
Dear Tonty, hope things are well.
Better make some pizza, cos I’m gonna come and kill you.
“Terribly nice chap.” Tony said, “Even calls me Tonty, just like the good old days.” He sighed in a school-girl-with-a-stupid -crush-on-her-redicolously-ugly-and- stupid-65-year-old-teacher kind of a way. “Let’s go see your kids.”
“Hewo Da-da,” gurgled Goatboy as they walked into the combat centre. He was the youngest child, Myst’s favourite, and probably the stupidest.
“Role call!” shouted Sniper, and the screaming rabble of children filed in neatly. They stood to attention and held their hands out. Sniper walked along the line. “Hmmmmm. That’s 6 fingers, 2 toes, 3 eyes, an ear, a leg, 2 arms and a lung. Plus a few near-fatal flesh wounds. IS EVERYBODY ALRIGHT!”
“Yes, Sir!” Came the reply, a pool of blood rapidly forming around the line.
“Then carry on.” Every weapon imaginable was produced form pockets and from behind backs, knifes, guns, tazers, grenades, spears and rocket launchers. The rabble set back to destroying each other. Goatboy tried to fit as many bullets up his nose as possible.
**********
“Are we there yet?” Questioned Stryke
“No a sir. Notta yet.” El Blokey replied, his boss was very impatient.
“Are we there yet?”
“No”
“Are we there yet?”
“No!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NNNOOOO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“Er...... yes.”
“OK.”
“We’re not really (ooOOo) there yet.” Mystiques chimed in from her cage. “He just said that to shut you (my my monkey) up.” El Blokey stared at her rack angrily.
“Are we there yet?” Stryke sung.
“Listen, my good chap,” said ssxpro, “We’re there when the subs stop and everyone gets off, OK?”
“Where’d you come from?” said both Mystique and El Blokey.
“OK.” said Stryke and started happily playing with his hat.
******
“We’re a here,” said El Blokey, standing up.
“Are we there ye...... oh, we are?” Stryke stood up and opened the door of the sub. He was suddenly rather wet.
Mystique tried to laugh, but her mouth was full of water, and a fish. She tried to shrug, which is hard underwater and gave up. So she swam out the sub to the surface.
“Ma-ma?” said Goatboy “Wook, wook!” He was sitting on the beach outside the USRN headquarters with a crab in his ear, his mouth full of seaweed and his Y-fronts filled with sea-horses. He had a bottle of mouthwash up his nose.
“That’s nice, dear.” Mystique laughed out loud.
“Bouncy,” said Goatboy, “Bouncy, bouncy!”
Something crawled up the beach next to Mystique, she screamed. It was a rather dead-looking and pretty smelly badger come back from the dead. It was glowing a familiar red. Stryke appeared and picked up the badger, stroking it’s head.
“Pretty pretty pretty.” He crooned. “With the banning-button inside of you, we’re unstoppable. Let’s go ban....Tonty!” he giggled.
“You can’t do (monkey spank) that!” Shouted Mystique. “He’s your friend (oo-ooo). He makes you pizza.”
“Damn it! Then I’ll just have to ban.... Sniper! How’d you like that?” he giggled again and ran towards the headquarters.
“Poo-poo!” said Goatboy. “He smell poo-poo!”
*******
“He coming,” said Tony. They were in his bedroom. Not a pretty sight. Pink fluff was everywhere. Pictures of Dale Winton and Graham Norton festooned the walls. The Spice Girls played gently in the background and small rat-like poodles ran amongst the knee-high fluffy carpet. Sniper had a headache.
“When he’s inside, we wont be able to see him anymore,” Tony stated, he was making a bunker out of inflatable cushions.
A vein in Sniper’s head throbbed and he ran out the room. If anyone was going to save the day, it could possibly be him. Well, there was a chance.
He looked out the window and saw two round, plump visions of loveliness. Mystique! She was here! Maybe she’d come back to him. Maybe. He’d missed her (rack)
Sniper caught Stryke in the dining hall. He had stopped for a snack before starting his evil plot and was sitting in a high-backed chair eating a quardruple-cheese pizza, freshly baked by Tony for the occasion.
Sniper sat down and ate a slice with him and they talked politely about certain rumours about next-next-gen consoles.
“Finished?” inquired Stryke after swallowing his last mouthful. Sniper nodded and walked to the door. He paused then spun quickly around on his heel.
“Stryke!” He shouted. “So we meet again.”
“Err.. yes, so we do. Now I do rather hate doing this but it’s in my nature you see. With your banning button I’ve created the ultimate monster.” he lifted the badger hat from his head and placed it on the table. “After I’m done here, it’s off to Hull with my Newbieclear subs. Those smelly lot of scrotums won’t know what’s him ‘em.” He giggled and the badger sat up, glowing sadistically.
“Hmph. Ernm, plogui, kssssssss munninin arrrrrllllll. Hmmmm” said Sniper, slightly confused.
Mystique and Goatboy, still clutching the mouthwash, entered silently through the door behind Stryke to watch. Goatboy trotted over to a chair and climbed on top of it, then on to the table. He sat down in front of SmellyBadgerBanningButtonHat and sneezed. The badger sniffed his crotch.
“Poopy poopy. Smeelllll.” said Goatboy.
“NOW!” shouted Stryke.
“Hmmmmm, errrr, ummmm, eh.” said Sniper
“Pizza, is it?” said ssxpro from a corner.
Mystique just jiggled.
The badger rose and opened it’s mouth. There the banning button stood proudly. He pointed it at Sniper and hiccuped.
“Ah!” said Sniper, “I gets what going on here!”
“Poopy!” Said Goatboy. And raised the mouthwash in the air. A beam of red banning-ness issued forth from the mouth of the SmellyBadger at the same time as Goatboy threw the mouthwash. So smelly was the red beam, upon impact with the bottle it was cleaned considerably. It turned from a red to gold and smelt minty fresh, it shone brilliantly. Sniper raised the mirror that was, conveniently, placed in front of him and deflected the beam.
It headed straight towards ssxpro who was inspecting the fine china. Everyone winced. But a banning never took place. Instead ssxpro glowed a brilliant gold, the gold of the purified banning beam, and was lifted into the air.
A gold robe and sceptre appeared in front of him and a throne behind him. He had been promoted to Notable status.
“Wha-?” Said Stryke
“How? (monkey) ” said Mystique
“Why?” cried Sniper.
“Ohhh, I say. We can’t be having that now,” said Tony, who had just entered. The golden shower (tee-hee) around ssxpro diminished and he became a lowly regular again.
“Stryke?” Tony continued, “I think you better leave.”
“Of, course, of course.” Said Stryke politely. “I don’t believe it. A ban? Purified into a promotion. That’s impossible! I’ll go now, Tony, but I’ll return. And next time, I’ll be a Notable. You can count on that.”
He ran from the room, eyes wide, brain in overdrive.
“He’ll be (spank my) back.” Tony sighed. “If he works out how to purify a ban, we’ll be done for. He still has your polystyrene monkey.”
Mystique sobbed heavily, “My monkey!” she cried. Things jiggled.
“I say!” Said ssxpro.
“Bouncy!” Squealed Goatboy.
***********
Ithankyouverymuchindeed,
FFF
Sniper is a special agent for the USRN (United Special Reserve Nations) and a father to a family of 15 kids and husband to Mystique - an hideous woman who likes to spank monkeys, but has a rather nice rack.
The USRN’s president, Tony, a big gay poof, sends urgent news to Sniper telling of the reappearance of Shaneo in the South Atlantic, now known as SmellyBadger and that Stryke has massed his forces of Newbieclear subs on the Brazilian coast.
Dr Snuggly, the USRN’s informant, told of Shaneo’s plans to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s Sound of Silence before falling asleep.
So, the family of assassins, as they are known, set off to stop Smellybadger. Sniper gives him a darn good banning with the special banning-button hidden in the head of a polystyrene monkey, Stryke’s attacks fails, but he manages to escape with the SmellyBadger’s lifeless body, and everyone goes back to Tony’s for some fish fingers.
The End.
Until now.
Dum-dum-duummmmm.
PART 2: STRYKE STRIKES BACK
Sniper slunk into Boots and sat on a barstool at the pharmacy counter. An Italian-looking guy was wiping up some medicine cups with a rag.
“Rough day, hey mister?” He questioned and pulled out a bottle of Calpol from behind the counter, spend 5 minutes trying to undo the childproof lid, then slid it across the top. “It’s on the house”
Sniper sighed, “Don’t you have anything stronger? My wife’s left me, okay? I need to drown my sorrows in deadly combination of over-the-counter and illegal drugs.” He sighed again and started fiddling with a small paper parasol.
“Weellll, mister. I don’t a usually do dis, ya know. But I gotta some Tixy-Lix back here. Killed the last three a people I gave a it to. That’ll do, right.”
“Perfect” Sniper mumbled.
He sprinkled some cocaine power along his hand and put a segment of apple on the countertop. Then, in a well-rehearsed movement he licked the cocaine from his hand, downed the Tixy-Lix in one and bit into the apple.
The result had him flown back into a rack of tooth-bushes where an inflatable pink oyster lectured him on the effect the moon has on the tides. A pine bookcase made some rude gestures and several processed beef sandwiches ate his limbs and flushed them down a toilet made of glowing green telephone directories.
His wife, Mystique, floated about his head. Even in this strange world her rack shone like the sun in it’s glory. Shame about the rest of her.
“Sniper. Snniiiipppppeerrrr.” She said, “(Oooohhh, aahhh, spppannnkk myy moonkkeey pleaseee) Sniper. I’ve washed your blue trains, but not the demonic ones. They wouldn’t dry in time.”
The world snapped back around him. The glowing blue Boots sign flashed before him and he sat upright.
“Funnin’ sandwiches,” he mumbled. “Always stealing my legs. And why won’t my demonic trains ever dry in time?”
He shook his head viciously and the pharmacist appeared in front of him, waving a tube of haemorrhoid cream under his nose. It did the trick.
“Mystique!” He shouted as his head cleared. Had his wife come back to him, “Mystique! Are you here!?”
“Sniper” came the voice of a lovely rack from behind him. He’d recognise that voice anywhere. “I knew I’d find you here, Sniper. (Spank-spank) What is it this time? Tixy-Lix, I see,” she frowned disapprovingly. “I’ve come to talk about the children. As there’s so many we’ll have a 50 / 50 split. (Oooh, ooh. MONKEY!) You can have Afrojoe, Dringo, Ant, YH, ProEvo, KR and er-no and I’ll have Edgy, Sibs, Armatige, Meka, Aliboy, Starlight, Rasta and Goatboy. I’ve got one more, but Goatboy doesn’t really count. Is that OK?
Sniper mulled it over, “I’ll swap you Dringo for Meka, then it’s even,” Mystique nodded, things jiggled, and they both shook hands. “Who is he, Myst, who? Who’d ya leave me for? Can I kick his ass?”
“Not a chance, Snipe.” She swallowed and looked at the floor, nervous. “It’s Styke, dear. We love each other, well, I love him and he loves my assets. (Spank ma Moonnkkkkeeyyyy) But that’s all that matters. And right now we’re planning world domination. SmellyBadger came in very handy, the Newbieclear missiles can clear a forum in a single post. Plus spam radiation . We’re unstoppable. (oohh, ahhh ohh ooooo OOOooOOoo) Styke’s twice the man you ever were.” She tossed her hair, things jiggled some more.
The pharmacist stood up and looked Mystique straight in the eye. He ripped off his uniform and she gasped. “El Blokey! What’re you (spank) doing here?”
“Styke. He a say keep an eye a on a her. So I a does. Now a you’d gone and a told the husbanda, eh? He say you no tella de husbanda. Now I is gonna takea you to his base. It’s a me, El Blokey”
He grabbed a bottle of liquid laxatives from the shelf and drunk the whole bottle, then grabbed Mystique after a quick, 2 minute glance at her rack. His face scrunched up in a picture of relief and he blasted off through the ceiling leaving a squishy brown substance and a sickening smell behind him.
“NOoooooo!” said Sniper (as well as other stuff I can’t post), trying to breathe through the smell, it seemed to rot his nostrils. “I’ll get you Stryke! I’ll get you for this!” He shed a tear, “Oooohh, minty mouthwash!”
***************
Sniper was walking through the street on his way home. His cheeks were wet, but at least his breath was fresh. He heard a noise, kind of a clanking noise, like some big, metallic monster trying to be quiet.
He stopped, so did the clanks.
He turned sharply and saw nothing but a massive metal pillar right behind him. It looked a little like a leg. He walked on, someone sniggered and the clanking resumed.
He turned again and this time looked up the metal pillar, it was a leg. He saw a newspaper masking someone’s face and heard gentle whistling.
“Ultima!” He called, stopping a laugh, “Ultima Weapon! I can see you!”
The newspaper was lowered the sad face of Ultima Weapon peered over the top.
“You can, huh? Guess I’m not too good at sneaking. Too noisy, I think.”
“Too big, perhaps?”
“Maybe, but not so much.” He sighed and folded his paper. “Tony wants to speak with you. He’s had word from Stryke.” He paused and somehow managed to look nervous. “They had a ....... erm...... a......... kinda.....hmmm....... rela-tion-ship. You know?”
“Yeessss.” Sniper blocked the mental image. He didn’t put it past Tony, he’d ravage a monkey if it squeaked loud enough. But Stryke? One of those? He wasn’t sure.
Ultima continued.
“They got this thing where Stryke tells Tony if he’s planning a world-threatening evil plot of death. And Tony tells Stryke when having pizza. They like pizza. It’s a casual thing, from college.”
“Oh, college. That explains it. Want some mouthwash?”
“Oh, OK. You should pack, then we’ll get going. Tony’s expecting us soon.” He paused, “Actually, he’s not. He just tells me to say things like that. Makes him feel good.”
*******
A while later, Sniper was packing his weapons form the garden shed. Something was missing.
“Ultima” he shouted, “The monkey’s gone. Myst’s polystyrene spanking monkey friend. It’s got my special banning button in it! My power! It’s gone! Noooooo!”
“Pardon,” said Ultima. “I was looking at the cartoons”
************
“Where is it!” shouted Stryke, frothing slightly at the mouth. He had Mystique in a cage, suspended above his giant fondu pot of melted cheese. His clothes were made of skins. The skins of the Newbies he had destroyed with mockery and taunting. And on his head was his latest victim, a fashionable beret of SmellyBadger sat upon his head. He had sucked all the nice stuff from the body, but it still smelt like crazy. So did the rest of him.
“I’ll never tell (monkey spank) you!” Mystique shouted back. “That monkey’s the only thing I’ve got left in my (ooOOooOO) life. I’ve hidden it somewhere in your (spank spank) base. You’ll never find it, never! NEEVVEERRRRR!”
“Mister Stryke, sir,” came El Blokey’s voice. “I’ve a found the a monkey, sir! Itta was ina the bathroom, in de bath. Veeryy clever lady. You a never goes ina there, eh?”
“Of course!” said Stryke.
“Oh crap” said Mystique.
“It’s a me!” said El Blokey.
“Hello, chaps.” said ssxpro.
“Who’s that?” said Mystique.
“Dunno” said El Blokey
“No idea.” said Stryke.
“Toodle-pip” said ssxpro and left.
Everyone shrugged.
“With this monkey! I can rule the world!” shouted Stryke. "Did you send that letter to Tony?”
“Yes a sir, I’s a did!”
He ripped off the monkey’s head to reveal the glowing red banning-button of power beneath. It lit up the room and Stryke’s evil face.
“Oohh, the power.” he giggled like a little girl. “El Blokey, get the subs ready. We’re moving out to the USRN base. Tony won’t know what’s hit him. Mwu-ha-haaaa”
“Er, a sir? Yes he a will. You’ve a sent him a letter a saying all of a that, eh?”
“Oh crap. I must stop doing that. Let’s go!”
**************
“You’re not bringing the kids?” Ultima questioned. Sniper’s brow wrinkled.
“No. Myst must have them.” He looked satisfied.
“Hasn’t she been captured by the man who she was seeing behind your back who is also your arch-enemy and is plotting a world domination as we speak.”
“Ah, yes. Well, they must be at a friend’s house.”
“ALL of them?”
“Weellll.” Sniper looked a little nervous. “Maybe. We’ll see.” He refused to say anymore.
***************
A shrill, girlish, incredibly camp and most probably gay voice called to Sniper and Ultima as they arrived at the USRN’s main base on the east-African coast.
“Sniper, my good chap. I’ve been expecting you.” It was Tony, head of USRN. “Mystique dropped you kids off a few days ago. Is everything alright? I’ve put them in the combat centre, Goatboy misses you.”
“Weellll.” Sniper said. “Myst’s left me. For Stryke. Who’s actually captured her. And taken my banning button. And is probably planning a Newbieclear strike any moment. Apart from that? No, no, everything’s fine.”
Tony paused, slightly confused, his bent wrist waggling like a worm. “Ah, that’ll explain the letter, then.” He pulled out a piece of paper form his pocket and read aloud:
Dear Tonty, hope things are well.
Better make some pizza, cos I’m gonna come and kill you.
“Terribly nice chap.” Tony said, “Even calls me Tonty, just like the good old days.” He sighed in a school-girl-with-a-stupid -crush-on-her-redicolously-ugly-and- stupid-65-year-old-teacher kind of a way. “Let’s go see your kids.”
“Hewo Da-da,” gurgled Goatboy as they walked into the combat centre. He was the youngest child, Myst’s favourite, and probably the stupidest.
“Role call!” shouted Sniper, and the screaming rabble of children filed in neatly. They stood to attention and held their hands out. Sniper walked along the line. “Hmmmmm. That’s 6 fingers, 2 toes, 3 eyes, an ear, a leg, 2 arms and a lung. Plus a few near-fatal flesh wounds. IS EVERYBODY ALRIGHT!”
“Yes, Sir!” Came the reply, a pool of blood rapidly forming around the line.
“Then carry on.” Every weapon imaginable was produced form pockets and from behind backs, knifes, guns, tazers, grenades, spears and rocket launchers. The rabble set back to destroying each other. Goatboy tried to fit as many bullets up his nose as possible.
**********
“Are we there yet?” Questioned Stryke
“No a sir. Notta yet.” El Blokey replied, his boss was very impatient.
“Are we there yet?”
“No”
“Are we there yet?”
“No!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“NNNOOOO!”
“Are we there yet?”
“Er...... yes.”
“OK.”
“We’re not really (ooOOo) there yet.” Mystiques chimed in from her cage. “He just said that to shut you (my my monkey) up.” El Blokey stared at her rack angrily.
“Are we there yet?” Stryke sung.
“Listen, my good chap,” said ssxpro, “We’re there when the subs stop and everyone gets off, OK?”
“Where’d you come from?” said both Mystique and El Blokey.
“OK.” said Stryke and started happily playing with his hat.
******
“We’re a here,” said El Blokey, standing up.
“Are we there ye...... oh, we are?” Stryke stood up and opened the door of the sub. He was suddenly rather wet.
Mystique tried to laugh, but her mouth was full of water, and a fish. She tried to shrug, which is hard underwater and gave up. So she swam out the sub to the surface.
“Ma-ma?” said Goatboy “Wook, wook!” He was sitting on the beach outside the USRN headquarters with a crab in his ear, his mouth full of seaweed and his Y-fronts filled with sea-horses. He had a bottle of mouthwash up his nose.
“That’s nice, dear.” Mystique laughed out loud.
“Bouncy,” said Goatboy, “Bouncy, bouncy!”
Something crawled up the beach next to Mystique, she screamed. It was a rather dead-looking and pretty smelly badger come back from the dead. It was glowing a familiar red. Stryke appeared and picked up the badger, stroking it’s head.
“Pretty pretty pretty.” He crooned. “With the banning-button inside of you, we’re unstoppable. Let’s go ban....Tonty!” he giggled.
“You can’t do (monkey spank) that!” Shouted Mystique. “He’s your friend (oo-ooo). He makes you pizza.”
“Damn it! Then I’ll just have to ban.... Sniper! How’d you like that?” he giggled again and ran towards the headquarters.
“Poo-poo!” said Goatboy. “He smell poo-poo!”
*******
“He coming,” said Tony. They were in his bedroom. Not a pretty sight. Pink fluff was everywhere. Pictures of Dale Winton and Graham Norton festooned the walls. The Spice Girls played gently in the background and small rat-like poodles ran amongst the knee-high fluffy carpet. Sniper had a headache.
“When he’s inside, we wont be able to see him anymore,” Tony stated, he was making a bunker out of inflatable cushions.
A vein in Sniper’s head throbbed and he ran out the room. If anyone was going to save the day, it could possibly be him. Well, there was a chance.
He looked out the window and saw two round, plump visions of loveliness. Mystique! She was here! Maybe she’d come back to him. Maybe. He’d missed her (rack)
Sniper caught Stryke in the dining hall. He had stopped for a snack before starting his evil plot and was sitting in a high-backed chair eating a quardruple-cheese pizza, freshly baked by Tony for the occasion.
Sniper sat down and ate a slice with him and they talked politely about certain rumours about next-next-gen consoles.
“Finished?” inquired Stryke after swallowing his last mouthful. Sniper nodded and walked to the door. He paused then spun quickly around on his heel.
“Stryke!” He shouted. “So we meet again.”
“Err.. yes, so we do. Now I do rather hate doing this but it’s in my nature you see. With your banning button I’ve created the ultimate monster.” he lifted the badger hat from his head and placed it on the table. “After I’m done here, it’s off to Hull with my Newbieclear subs. Those smelly lot of scrotums won’t know what’s him ‘em.” He giggled and the badger sat up, glowing sadistically.
“Hmph. Ernm, plogui, kssssssss munninin arrrrrllllll. Hmmmm” said Sniper, slightly confused.
Mystique and Goatboy, still clutching the mouthwash, entered silently through the door behind Stryke to watch. Goatboy trotted over to a chair and climbed on top of it, then on to the table. He sat down in front of SmellyBadgerBanningButtonHat and sneezed. The badger sniffed his crotch.
“Poopy poopy. Smeelllll.” said Goatboy.
“NOW!” shouted Stryke.
“Hmmmmm, errrr, ummmm, eh.” said Sniper
“Pizza, is it?” said ssxpro from a corner.
Mystique just jiggled.
The badger rose and opened it’s mouth. There the banning button stood proudly. He pointed it at Sniper and hiccuped.
“Ah!” said Sniper, “I gets what going on here!”
“Poopy!” Said Goatboy. And raised the mouthwash in the air. A beam of red banning-ness issued forth from the mouth of the SmellyBadger at the same time as Goatboy threw the mouthwash. So smelly was the red beam, upon impact with the bottle it was cleaned considerably. It turned from a red to gold and smelt minty fresh, it shone brilliantly. Sniper raised the mirror that was, conveniently, placed in front of him and deflected the beam.
It headed straight towards ssxpro who was inspecting the fine china. Everyone winced. But a banning never took place. Instead ssxpro glowed a brilliant gold, the gold of the purified banning beam, and was lifted into the air.
A gold robe and sceptre appeared in front of him and a throne behind him. He had been promoted to Notable status.
“Wha-?” Said Stryke
“How? (monkey) ” said Mystique
“Why?” cried Sniper.
“Ohhh, I say. We can’t be having that now,” said Tony, who had just entered. The golden shower (tee-hee) around ssxpro diminished and he became a lowly regular again.
“Stryke?” Tony continued, “I think you better leave.”
“Of, course, of course.” Said Stryke politely. “I don’t believe it. A ban? Purified into a promotion. That’s impossible! I’ll go now, Tony, but I’ll return. And next time, I’ll be a Notable. You can count on that.”
He ran from the room, eyes wide, brain in overdrive.
“He’ll be (spank my) back.” Tony sighed. “If he works out how to purify a ban, we’ll be done for. He still has your polystyrene monkey.”
Mystique sobbed heavily, “My monkey!” she cried. Things jiggled.
“I say!” Said ssxpro.
“Bouncy!” Squealed Goatboy.
***********
Ithankyouverymuchindeed,
FFF