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Yes, I know it’s probably been done before, but I’m feeling bored and thought I’d do something constructive during my last few days of free time before college looms! Anyway...
Cilla: “Well, hello boys and girls, and welcome to a very special episode of Blind Date! On tonight’s show, the contestants are all from the world of videogames! In the next half hour, three handsome (coughs) chaps are all going to try and talk their way into a date with THIS lovely lady...
(The curtains are drawn back and the camera moves slowly from the feet upwards to reveal a glittering, beaming Princess Zelda, pointy ears and all. The crowd go ballistic as Zelda picks up her dress to descend the stairway, but promptly burst out in laughter as she falls down most of them thanks to her high-heeled shoes.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from where I was standing!”
(Cursing beneath her breath, mumbling something about ginger and Northern monkeys, Zelda gradually picks herself up and laughs it off with her infamously irritating giggle.)
Zelda: “Oh, don’t worry about me Cilla, us Hyrulians just bounce right back, and I hope the lads can as well, as I’m REALLY going to put one of them through their paces tonight!”
Cilla: “Woah, ok, then tiger. So, how’s life as a Princess these days?”
Zelda: “Bit of a drag to be honest. Why is it my hero always has to be this stupid little kid, who insists on constantly wearing green and the length of his sword is just pathetic, really.”
(Smirks and giggling can be heard from the other side of the of the wall.)
Zelda: “And if that isn’t enough, the one man who is always after me is a ginga!”
(Cilla gives Zelda a murderous glare.)
Zelda: “Did I say ‘ginga’?”
Cilla: “Yes.”
Zelda: “Oh, slip of the tongue there. What I meant was he’s a ‘minga’.”
Cilla: “Yes, well, I think it’s time we met the lads...no peaking now, you little *cough*.”
(As the cameraman manoeuvres his equipment around the divide he zooms in on the first contestant before quickly backing off, at the first whiff of the stench of the beast.)
Cilla: “Well hello thur, Number 1. Tell us, what’s your name and where are you from?”
Number 1: (In a deep, gruff voice) “Hi Cilla, I’m called bowser, among other things (looks at Mario in crowd), and I’m from...ermmm...well, I’m not quite sure really.”
Cilla: “Oh, fair enough then. So tell us a little bit more about you.”
Bowser: “Well, by trade, I’m a qualified and highly-successful Princess-napper, but in my spare time I enjoy the odd bit of evil-doing as well as tormenting a certain fat plumber in the audience today.”
Cilla: “You seem to regard kidnapping Princesses as something not related to your ‘evil-doing’. Do you not think it’s a bit on the evil-side of things?”
Bowser: “Not at all, it’s a certified profession I’ll have you know.”
(Cilla slowly takes a few steps back from Bowser, for fear of her own safety and the smell.)
Cilla: “OK then, I think it’s time we moved onto number 2! Ermm, hi Number 2, what’s you’re name and where you from?”
Number 2: (In a suspiciously-odd voice) “Hi, my name’s...ermm...Bob Jones and I’m from...that’s personal information I do not wish to disclose.”
Cilla: “If you say so. Hmmm, Bob Jones…doesn’t ring a bell, I must say.”
Bob: “I’m from a game on the X-Box.”
(A few giggles can be heard from the crowd.)
Cilla: “Ah, I see, that would explain a few things then. Say, that’s an interesting outfit you’ve gone for there – a brown longcoat, with thick-rimmed black glasses and the bushiest moustache I’ve seen in a long while, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
Bob: “mumble...mumble”
Cilla: “What was that Bob?”
*No response*
Cilla: “Well, time’s flying by so we must press on. So, let’s move onto tonight’s final contestant – number 3. Hello thur, number...”
(Finding it hard to take in what sits before her, Cilla paused before continuing cautiously.)
Cilla: “...three.”
Number 3: “PIKA!!”
(Rather anxiously, Cilla looks to the show director for answers, but is met with a blank face.)
Cilla: “So, erm, number 3 – what are you? Ermm, I mean, who are you?”
Number 3: “Pika? Pikachu!”
Cilla: “Pikachu...yes?”
Pikachu: “Pika.”
Cilla: “OK, good. So, where are you from?”
Pikachu: “Pika?” (Pikachu tilts his head in a confused manner.)
Cilla: “Don’t worry, I don’t think that really matters right now. So, without further ado, let’s crack on with tonight’s BLIND DATE!”
(Audience claps as prompted, along with a few jeers in the direction of Bowser from a pair in dungarees as well as a giant fish repeating the name “goldeen” and a rock uttering the word “geo” followed by “dude” continuously.)
Cilla: “Zelda, what’s your first question and who’s it for?”
Zelda: “Well Cilla, my first question is this – as a Princess, life does have it’s luxuries. I am constantly pampered and can have ANYTHING at the click of a finger. If you were my servant, what would you do to try and impress me? And that goes to number 1.”
Bowser: “That’s an easy one. Don’t you find it frustrating having to wait for your meals to be cooked? Well, I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve that ensures you’ll never have to wait for your meals again. I realise you can’t see me, but let me give you a little demonstration.”
(Bowser rises from his seat and, with a vast intake of air, proceeds to emit a huge flame in Mario’s direction.
Mario: “Mama mia! I’ll-a get you after the show!”
(Bowser grins and gives him the finger, before sitting down once more.)
Zelda: “Oh my! Very impressive! And, to number 2?”
Bob: “Well, the way I see it, what’s the point in being able to cook your meat, if you can’t catch it to begin with, such is the problem Bowser here suffers from. With my dual pistols and acrobatic jumps, I’ll be able to rustle up any exotic meat you want! From man-eating bears, to the rarest and deadliest tigers of China!”
Zelda: “Well this is certainly becoming very food orientated! And finally, to number 3 please.”
Pikachu: “Pika Pika! Piiikkaaachuu!!
(Pikachu emits a glorious array of lightning, killing all the lights in the studio and taking the program off the air for the best part of five minutes.)
Cilla: “Welcome back ladies and gentlemen and sorry about the delay there. So, Zelda, you’re second and final question if you please.”
Zelda: “Hey? I thought I got three questions??”
Cilla: “Yes well, thanks to that hyperactive yellow rat over there, we’re running out of time.”
Zelda: “Now hang on a second, how can I make a judgement when I’m only allo-“
Cilla: “Just ask the frickin’ question girl, so we can all get the hell outta here and go home!”
(With a rather shocked and slightly frightened expression on her face, Zelda turns to the divide and voices her final question.)
Zelda: “OK, here goes – simple and straight to the point. How would you arouse me in the bedroom? And that goes to number 2.”
Bob: “Bedroom? Why must it be in a bedroom? I’d take you into the depths of the Asian jungles where the thought of deadly creatures surrounding us and rough vines and branches entangling our naked bodies would excite you like you’ve never experienced before. And THEN we’d do it like you never thought POSSIBLE!”
(By this time, Bob has risen from her, erm, I mean his seat and is breathing heavily, with his chest pumping in and out excitedly. Cilla pops around the corner to check everything’s alright.)
Cilla: “Why Bob, if you don’t mind me passing comment, that’s certainly a rather filled-out chest you’ve got there!”
Bob: “So? What’s wrong with that? Can’t a man go to gym once in a while?!”
Cilla: “Okay, okay, just saying...”
Zelda: “And the same again to number 1.”
Bowser: “Hmm, well that’s a toughy, because we’d have a bit of a problem in that department. We could make up for it making Luigi scream like a girl though!”
Luigi: “Hey, stop digging up the past Bowser, it really hurts!”
Bowser: “I didn’t say you WAS a girl, man.”
Luigi: “Oh, well…that’s okay then.”
(Luigi sits down in the crowd, most of whom are staring at him with bemused looks on their faces.)
Zelda: “Interesting...and finally to number 3.”
Pikachu: “PIKA!!”
Zelda: “Hmm, thought you might say that, somehow.”
Cilla: “Well, that’s it Zelda, you’ve asked the questions and now it’s time for the decisions. But first, let’s make it a little bit easier for you with our Graham.”
Graham: “Quite a choice you’ve got yourself there Zelda. Do you go for fiery number 1, with his issues downstairs and hope that he buys you some nose plugs? Or how about the mysterious number 2, who isn’t quite what he seems. Or finally, there’s number 3. And let me just say if you DO choose him, get yourself booked into a mental hospital.”
Cilla: “Thank you Graham. Slightly more critical than normal, but just as useless as ever! So, who’s it going to be Zelda?”
Zelda: “It sure is a toughie, but I’ve reached my decision. I can smell number 1 from here, so he’s out. Number 3 is a little odd and simple for my tastes, so it has to be…NUMBER THREE!!!”
Cilla: “Number three it is! But first let’s meet the other contestants. First of all, you turned down number 1, come in number 1!”
(As Bowser removes his vast bulk from the tight chair, he sneakily lets out a silent one, to the disapproval of number 2. As he passes the divide he makes his move, grabbing Zelda and making a run for the exit.)
Bowser: “Ha-Ha! I have you in my grasp once more Princess!”
(Before he can advance any further, the foreign guy from the Grolsche adverts appears in his way.”
Grolsche guy: “What are you doing? This kidnap situation is not ready yet! You’re not in a videogame and that isn’t even the right Princess!”
(In a blind moment of confusion, Bowser pauses, looks at the princess he’s holding before throwing her to the ground in fury!)
Bowser: “RAAAAAARRR!!”
(Building himself into a massive rage, Bowser, let’s rip a vast combustible fart in the direction of the audience, setting many on fire, before making his exit in a hurry. Dazed and suffering from multiple broken bones, Zelda drags herself back to Cilla.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from whe...”
Zelda: “Shutup, just SHUTUP! Let’s see number 3.”
(Pika hops out of his chair and bounds around the corner, thinking he’s won. Upon being informed otherwise, his face turns red, and he performs his trademark, shocking Zelda and setting Cilla’s ginger wig on fire, along with knocking out most of the audience.)
Cilla: “And finally...you chose...number...tw...”(Cilla collapses)
(The divide is drawn back and Bob runs up to Zelda to kiss her. However, as they fall into each other’s arms, they struggle to meet each other’s lips. After a few frantic moments of straining at the neck, Zelda stops and looks down to find out what’s obstructing them.)
Zelda: “What the...”
Bob: No, please...DON’T!”
(Zelda tears off Bob’s long coat to reveal a huge pair of breasts attached to Bob.)
Bob: “I was going to tell you...honest!”
(Zelda thinks a little more, before realising. She rips of Bob’s moustache, glasses and toupee, to reveal...)
Zelda: “LARA CROFT?!”
Lara: “I know, I’m sorry, really I am, but I didn’t want anyone to know.”
Zelda: “Know...what?”
Lara: “Can’t you work it out for yourself?”
(Realisation kicks in.)
Zelda: “YOU’RE A LESBIAN!”
(Those still conscious in the audience faint, apart from one. Lara casually backflips off stage, shooting out the lights and sobbing as she goes. Zelda, not knowing what to think of it all, drags herself up the stairs she came down. All is silent, apart from the quiet whirr of one operational camera. A lone figure rises from the audience and runs up to the camera.)
Lone figure: “It’s-a-me-a, MARIO!”
Thanks for reading, guys and girls. I’m sorry it’s not as funny in writing as it was in my head earlier and I tried to make it as short as possible, but I hope you enjoyed what’s there.
Uncle Albert
Cilla: “Well, hello boys and girls, and welcome to a very special episode of Blind Date! On tonight’s show, the contestants are all from the world of videogames! In the next half hour, three handsome (coughs) chaps are all going to try and talk their way into a date with THIS lovely lady...
(The curtains are drawn back and the camera moves slowly from the feet upwards to reveal a glittering, beaming Princess Zelda, pointy ears and all. The crowd go ballistic as Zelda picks up her dress to descend the stairway, but promptly burst out in laughter as she falls down most of them thanks to her high-heeled shoes.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from where I was standing!”
(Cursing beneath her breath, mumbling something about ginger and Northern monkeys, Zelda gradually picks herself up and laughs it off with her infamously irritating giggle.)
Zelda: “Oh, don’t worry about me Cilla, us Hyrulians just bounce right back, and I hope the lads can as well, as I’m REALLY going to put one of them through their paces tonight!”
Cilla: “Woah, ok, then tiger. So, how’s life as a Princess these days?”
Zelda: “Bit of a drag to be honest. Why is it my hero always has to be this stupid little kid, who insists on constantly wearing green and the length of his sword is just pathetic, really.”
(Smirks and giggling can be heard from the other side of the of the wall.)
Zelda: “And if that isn’t enough, the one man who is always after me is a ginga!”
(Cilla gives Zelda a murderous glare.)
Zelda: “Did I say ‘ginga’?”
Cilla: “Yes.”
Zelda: “Oh, slip of the tongue there. What I meant was he’s a ‘minga’.”
Cilla: “Yes, well, I think it’s time we met the lads...no peaking now, you little *cough*.”
(As the cameraman manoeuvres his equipment around the divide he zooms in on the first contestant before quickly backing off, at the first whiff of the stench of the beast.)
Cilla: “Well hello thur, Number 1. Tell us, what’s your name and where are you from?”
Number 1: (In a deep, gruff voice) “Hi Cilla, I’m called bowser, among other things (looks at Mario in crowd), and I’m from...ermmm...well, I’m not quite sure really.”
Cilla: “Oh, fair enough then. So tell us a little bit more about you.”
Bowser: “Well, by trade, I’m a qualified and highly-successful Princess-napper, but in my spare time I enjoy the odd bit of evil-doing as well as tormenting a certain fat plumber in the audience today.”
Cilla: “You seem to regard kidnapping Princesses as something not related to your ‘evil-doing’. Do you not think it’s a bit on the evil-side of things?”
Bowser: “Not at all, it’s a certified profession I’ll have you know.”
(Cilla slowly takes a few steps back from Bowser, for fear of her own safety and the smell.)
Cilla: “OK then, I think it’s time we moved onto number 2! Ermm, hi Number 2, what’s you’re name and where you from?”
Number 2: (In a suspiciously-odd voice) “Hi, my name’s...ermm...Bob Jones and I’m from...that’s personal information I do not wish to disclose.”
Cilla: “If you say so. Hmmm, Bob Jones…doesn’t ring a bell, I must say.”
Bob: “I’m from a game on the X-Box.”
(A few giggles can be heard from the crowd.)
Cilla: “Ah, I see, that would explain a few things then. Say, that’s an interesting outfit you’ve gone for there – a brown longcoat, with thick-rimmed black glasses and the bushiest moustache I’ve seen in a long while, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
Bob: “mumble...mumble”
Cilla: “What was that Bob?”
*No response*
Cilla: “Well, time’s flying by so we must press on. So, let’s move onto tonight’s final contestant – number 3. Hello thur, number...”
(Finding it hard to take in what sits before her, Cilla paused before continuing cautiously.)
Cilla: “...three.”
Number 3: “PIKA!!”
(Rather anxiously, Cilla looks to the show director for answers, but is met with a blank face.)
Cilla: “So, erm, number 3 – what are you? Ermm, I mean, who are you?”
Number 3: “Pika? Pikachu!”
Cilla: “Pikachu...yes?”
Pikachu: “Pika.”
Cilla: “OK, good. So, where are you from?”
Pikachu: “Pika?” (Pikachu tilts his head in a confused manner.)
Cilla: “Don’t worry, I don’t think that really matters right now. So, without further ado, let’s crack on with tonight’s BLIND DATE!”
(Audience claps as prompted, along with a few jeers in the direction of Bowser from a pair in dungarees as well as a giant fish repeating the name “goldeen” and a rock uttering the word “geo” followed by “dude” continuously.)
Cilla: “Zelda, what’s your first question and who’s it for?”
Zelda: “Well Cilla, my first question is this – as a Princess, life does have it’s luxuries. I am constantly pampered and can have ANYTHING at the click of a finger. If you were my servant, what would you do to try and impress me? And that goes to number 1.”
Bowser: “That’s an easy one. Don’t you find it frustrating having to wait for your meals to be cooked? Well, I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve that ensures you’ll never have to wait for your meals again. I realise you can’t see me, but let me give you a little demonstration.”
(Bowser rises from his seat and, with a vast intake of air, proceeds to emit a huge flame in Mario’s direction.
Mario: “Mama mia! I’ll-a get you after the show!”
(Bowser grins and gives him the finger, before sitting down once more.)
Zelda: “Oh my! Very impressive! And, to number 2?”
Bob: “Well, the way I see it, what’s the point in being able to cook your meat, if you can’t catch it to begin with, such is the problem Bowser here suffers from. With my dual pistols and acrobatic jumps, I’ll be able to rustle up any exotic meat you want! From man-eating bears, to the rarest and deadliest tigers of China!”
Zelda: “Well this is certainly becoming very food orientated! And finally, to number 3 please.”
Pikachu: “Pika Pika! Piiikkaaachuu!!
(Pikachu emits a glorious array of lightning, killing all the lights in the studio and taking the program off the air for the best part of five minutes.)
Cilla: “Welcome back ladies and gentlemen and sorry about the delay there. So, Zelda, you’re second and final question if you please.”
Zelda: “Hey? I thought I got three questions??”
Cilla: “Yes well, thanks to that hyperactive yellow rat over there, we’re running out of time.”
Zelda: “Now hang on a second, how can I make a judgement when I’m only allo-“
Cilla: “Just ask the frickin’ question girl, so we can all get the hell outta here and go home!”
(With a rather shocked and slightly frightened expression on her face, Zelda turns to the divide and voices her final question.)
Zelda: “OK, here goes – simple and straight to the point. How would you arouse me in the bedroom? And that goes to number 2.”
Bob: “Bedroom? Why must it be in a bedroom? I’d take you into the depths of the Asian jungles where the thought of deadly creatures surrounding us and rough vines and branches entangling our naked bodies would excite you like you’ve never experienced before. And THEN we’d do it like you never thought POSSIBLE!”
(By this time, Bob has risen from her, erm, I mean his seat and is breathing heavily, with his chest pumping in and out excitedly. Cilla pops around the corner to check everything’s alright.)
Cilla: “Why Bob, if you don’t mind me passing comment, that’s certainly a rather filled-out chest you’ve got there!”
Bob: “So? What’s wrong with that? Can’t a man go to gym once in a while?!”
Cilla: “Okay, okay, just saying...”
Zelda: “And the same again to number 1.”
Bowser: “Hmm, well that’s a toughy, because we’d have a bit of a problem in that department. We could make up for it making Luigi scream like a girl though!”
Luigi: “Hey, stop digging up the past Bowser, it really hurts!”
Bowser: “I didn’t say you WAS a girl, man.”
Luigi: “Oh, well…that’s okay then.”
(Luigi sits down in the crowd, most of whom are staring at him with bemused looks on their faces.)
Zelda: “Interesting...and finally to number 3.”
Pikachu: “PIKA!!”
Zelda: “Hmm, thought you might say that, somehow.”
Cilla: “Well, that’s it Zelda, you’ve asked the questions and now it’s time for the decisions. But first, let’s make it a little bit easier for you with our Graham.”
Graham: “Quite a choice you’ve got yourself there Zelda. Do you go for fiery number 1, with his issues downstairs and hope that he buys you some nose plugs? Or how about the mysterious number 2, who isn’t quite what he seems. Or finally, there’s number 3. And let me just say if you DO choose him, get yourself booked into a mental hospital.”
Cilla: “Thank you Graham. Slightly more critical than normal, but just as useless as ever! So, who’s it going to be Zelda?”
Zelda: “It sure is a toughie, but I’ve reached my decision. I can smell number 1 from here, so he’s out. Number 3 is a little odd and simple for my tastes, so it has to be…NUMBER THREE!!!”
Cilla: “Number three it is! But first let’s meet the other contestants. First of all, you turned down number 1, come in number 1!”
(As Bowser removes his vast bulk from the tight chair, he sneakily lets out a silent one, to the disapproval of number 2. As he passes the divide he makes his move, grabbing Zelda and making a run for the exit.)
Bowser: “Ha-Ha! I have you in my grasp once more Princess!”
(Before he can advance any further, the foreign guy from the Grolsche adverts appears in his way.”
Grolsche guy: “What are you doing? This kidnap situation is not ready yet! You’re not in a videogame and that isn’t even the right Princess!”
(In a blind moment of confusion, Bowser pauses, looks at the princess he’s holding before throwing her to the ground in fury!)
Bowser: “RAAAAAARRR!!”
(Building himself into a massive rage, Bowser, let’s rip a vast combustible fart in the direction of the audience, setting many on fire, before making his exit in a hurry. Dazed and suffering from multiple broken bones, Zelda drags herself back to Cilla.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from whe...”
Zelda: “Shutup, just SHUTUP! Let’s see number 3.”
(Pika hops out of his chair and bounds around the corner, thinking he’s won. Upon being informed otherwise, his face turns red, and he performs his trademark, shocking Zelda and setting Cilla’s ginger wig on fire, along with knocking out most of the audience.)
Cilla: “And finally...you chose...number...tw...”(Cilla collapses)
(The divide is drawn back and Bob runs up to Zelda to kiss her. However, as they fall into each other’s arms, they struggle to meet each other’s lips. After a few frantic moments of straining at the neck, Zelda stops and looks down to find out what’s obstructing them.)
Zelda: “What the...”
Bob: No, please...DON’T!”
(Zelda tears off Bob’s long coat to reveal a huge pair of breasts attached to Bob.)
Bob: “I was going to tell you...honest!”
(Zelda thinks a little more, before realising. She rips of Bob’s moustache, glasses and toupee, to reveal...)
Zelda: “LARA CROFT?!”
Lara: “I know, I’m sorry, really I am, but I didn’t want anyone to know.”
Zelda: “Know...what?”
Lara: “Can’t you work it out for yourself?”
(Realisation kicks in.)
Zelda: “YOU’RE A LESBIAN!”
(Those still conscious in the audience faint, apart from one. Lara casually backflips off stage, shooting out the lights and sobbing as she goes. Zelda, not knowing what to think of it all, drags herself up the stairs she came down. All is silent, apart from the quiet whirr of one operational camera. A lone figure rises from the audience and runs up to the camera.)
Lone figure: “It’s-a-me-a, MARIO!”
Thanks for reading, guys and girls. I’m sorry it’s not as funny in writing as it was in my head earlier and I tried to make it as short as possible, but I hope you enjoyed what’s there.
Uncle Albert
Heh, funny post Albert :-)
Bit long for what I normally read, but worth it!
Bit long for what I normally read, but worth it!
Ah damn, just realised I fluffed it up in one bit. When Zelda makes her choice, she's meant to say number two, not three.
Oh, and by the way, you're welcome to read it and comment if you wish. ;)
Oh, and by the way, you're welcome to read it and comment if you wish. ;)
Yes, I know it’s probably been done before, but I’m feeling bored and thought I’d do something constructive during my last few days of free time before college looms! Anyway...
Cilla: “Well, hello boys and girls, and welcome to a very special episode of Blind Date! On tonight’s show, the contestants are all from the world of videogames! In the next half hour, three handsome (coughs) chaps are all going to try and talk their way into a date with THIS lovely lady...
(The curtains are drawn back and the camera moves slowly from the feet upwards to reveal a glittering, beaming Princess Zelda, pointy ears and all. The crowd go ballistic as Zelda picks up her dress to descend the stairway, but promptly burst out in laughter as she falls down most of them thanks to her high-heeled shoes.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from where I was standing!”
(Cursing beneath her breath, mumbling something about ginger and Northern monkeys, Zelda gradually picks herself up and laughs it off with her infamously irritating giggle.)
Zelda: “Oh, don’t worry about me Cilla, us Hyrulians just bounce right back, and I hope the lads can as well, as I’m REALLY going to put one of them through their paces tonight!”
Cilla: “Woah, ok, then tiger. So, how’s life as a Princess these days?”
Zelda: “Bit of a drag to be honest. Why is it my hero always has to be this stupid little kid, who insists on constantly wearing green and the length of his sword is just pathetic, really.”
(Smirks and giggling can be heard from the other side of the of the wall.)
Zelda: “And if that isn’t enough, the one man who is always after me is a ginga!”
(Cilla gives Zelda a murderous glare.)
Zelda: “Did I say ‘ginga’?”
Cilla: “Yes.”
Zelda: “Oh, slip of the tongue there. What I meant was he’s a ‘minga’.”
Cilla: “Yes, well, I think it’s time we met the lads...no peaking now, you little *cough*.”
(As the cameraman manoeuvres his equipment around the divide he zooms in on the first contestant before quickly backing off, at the first whiff of the stench of the beast.)
Cilla: “Well hello thur, Number 1. Tell us, what’s your name and where are you from?”
Number 1: (In a deep, gruff voice) “Hi Cilla, I’m called bowser, among other things (looks at Mario in crowd), and I’m from...ermmm...well, I’m not quite sure really.”
Cilla: “Oh, fair enough then. So tell us a little bit more about you.”
Bowser: “Well, by trade, I’m a qualified and highly-successful Princess-napper, but in my spare time I enjoy the odd bit of evil-doing as well as tormenting a certain fat plumber in the audience today.”
Cilla: “You seem to regard kidnapping Princesses as something not related to your ‘evil-doing’. Do you not think it’s a bit on the evil-side of things?”
Bowser: “Not at all, it’s a certified profession I’ll have you know.”
(Cilla slowly takes a few steps back from Bowser, for fear of her own safety and the smell.)
Cilla: “OK then, I think it’s time we moved onto number 2! Ermm, hi Number 2, what’s you’re name and where you from?”
Number 2: (In a suspiciously-odd voice) “Hi, my name’s...ermm...Bob Jones and I’m from...that’s personal information I do not wish to disclose.”
Cilla: “If you say so. Hmmm, Bob Jones…doesn’t ring a bell, I must say.”
Bob: “I’m from a game on the X-Box.”
(A few giggles can be heard from the crowd.)
Cilla: “Ah, I see, that would explain a few things then. Say, that’s an interesting outfit you’ve gone for there – a brown longcoat, with thick-rimmed black glasses and the bushiest moustache I’ve seen in a long while, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
Bob: “mumble...mumble”
Cilla: “What was that Bob?”
*No response*
Cilla: “Well, time’s flying by so we must press on. So, let’s move onto tonight’s final contestant – number 3. Hello thur, number...”
(Finding it hard to take in what sits before her, Cilla paused before continuing cautiously.)
Cilla: “...three.”
Number 3: “PIKA!!”
(Rather anxiously, Cilla looks to the show director for answers, but is met with a blank face.)
Cilla: “So, erm, number 3 – what are you? Ermm, I mean, who are you?”
Number 3: “Pika? Pikachu!”
Cilla: “Pikachu...yes?”
Pikachu: “Pika.”
Cilla: “OK, good. So, where are you from?”
Pikachu: “Pika?” (Pikachu tilts his head in a confused manner.)
Cilla: “Don’t worry, I don’t think that really matters right now. So, without further ado, let’s crack on with tonight’s BLIND DATE!”
(Audience claps as prompted, along with a few jeers in the direction of Bowser from a pair in dungarees as well as a giant fish repeating the name “goldeen” and a rock uttering the word “geo” followed by “dude” continuously.)
Cilla: “Zelda, what’s your first question and who’s it for?”
Zelda: “Well Cilla, my first question is this – as a Princess, life does have it’s luxuries. I am constantly pampered and can have ANYTHING at the click of a finger. If you were my servant, what would you do to try and impress me? And that goes to number 1.”
Bowser: “That’s an easy one. Don’t you find it frustrating having to wait for your meals to be cooked? Well, I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve that ensures you’ll never have to wait for your meals again. I realise you can’t see me, but let me give you a little demonstration.”
(Bowser rises from his seat and, with a vast intake of air, proceeds to emit a huge flame in Mario’s direction.
Mario: “Mama mia! I’ll-a get you after the show!”
(Bowser grins and gives him the finger, before sitting down once more.)
Zelda: “Oh my! Very impressive! And, to number 2?”
Bob: “Well, the way I see it, what’s the point in being able to cook your meat, if you can’t catch it to begin with, such is the problem Bowser here suffers from. With my dual pistols and acrobatic jumps, I’ll be able to rustle up any exotic meat you want! From man-eating bears, to the rarest and deadliest tigers of China!”
Zelda: “Well this is certainly becoming very food orientated! And finally, to number 3 please.”
Pikachu: “Pika Pika! Piiikkaaachuu!!
(Pikachu emits a glorious array of lightning, killing all the lights in the studio and taking the program off the air for the best part of five minutes.)
Cilla: “Welcome back ladies and gentlemen and sorry about the delay there. So, Zelda, you’re second and final question if you please.”
Zelda: “Hey? I thought I got three questions??”
Cilla: “Yes well, thanks to that hyperactive yellow rat over there, we’re running out of time.”
Zelda: “Now hang on a second, how can I make a judgement when I’m only allo-“
Cilla: “Just ask the frickin’ question girl, so we can all get the hell outta here and go home!”
(With a rather shocked and slightly frightened expression on her face, Zelda turns to the divide and voices her final question.)
Zelda: “OK, here goes – simple and straight to the point. How would you arouse me in the bedroom? And that goes to number 2.”
Bob: “Bedroom? Why must it be in a bedroom? I’d take you into the depths of the Asian jungles where the thought of deadly creatures surrounding us and rough vines and branches entangling our naked bodies would excite you like you’ve never experienced before. And THEN we’d do it like you never thought POSSIBLE!”
(By this time, Bob has risen from her, erm, I mean his seat and is breathing heavily, with his chest pumping in and out excitedly. Cilla pops around the corner to check everything’s alright.)
Cilla: “Why Bob, if you don’t mind me passing comment, that’s certainly a rather filled-out chest you’ve got there!”
Bob: “So? What’s wrong with that? Can’t a man go to gym once in a while?!”
Cilla: “Okay, okay, just saying...”
Zelda: “And the same again to number 1.”
Bowser: “Hmm, well that’s a toughy, because we’d have a bit of a problem in that department. We could make up for it making Luigi scream like a girl though!”
Luigi: “Hey, stop digging up the past Bowser, it really hurts!”
Bowser: “I didn’t say you WAS a girl, man.”
Luigi: “Oh, well…that’s okay then.”
(Luigi sits down in the crowd, most of whom are staring at him with bemused looks on their faces.)
Zelda: “Interesting...and finally to number 3.”
Pikachu: “PIKA!!”
Zelda: “Hmm, thought you might say that, somehow.”
Cilla: “Well, that’s it Zelda, you’ve asked the questions and now it’s time for the decisions. But first, let’s make it a little bit easier for you with our Graham.”
Graham: “Quite a choice you’ve got yourself there Zelda. Do you go for fiery number 1, with his issues downstairs and hope that he buys you some nose plugs? Or how about the mysterious number 2, who isn’t quite what he seems. Or finally, there’s number 3. And let me just say if you DO choose him, get yourself booked into a mental hospital.”
Cilla: “Thank you Graham. Slightly more critical than normal, but just as useless as ever! So, who’s it going to be Zelda?”
Zelda: “It sure is a toughie, but I’ve reached my decision. I can smell number 1 from here, so he’s out. Number 3 is a little odd and simple for my tastes, so it has to be…NUMBER THREE!!!”
Cilla: “Number three it is! But first let’s meet the other contestants. First of all, you turned down number 1, come in number 1!”
(As Bowser removes his vast bulk from the tight chair, he sneakily lets out a silent one, to the disapproval of number 2. As he passes the divide he makes his move, grabbing Zelda and making a run for the exit.)
Bowser: “Ha-Ha! I have you in my grasp once more Princess!”
(Before he can advance any further, the foreign guy from the Grolsche adverts appears in his way.”
Grolsche guy: “What are you doing? This kidnap situation is not ready yet! You’re not in a videogame and that isn’t even the right Princess!”
(In a blind moment of confusion, Bowser pauses, looks at the princess he’s holding before throwing her to the ground in fury!)
Bowser: “RAAAAAARRR!!”
(Building himself into a massive rage, Bowser, let’s rip a vast combustible fart in the direction of the audience, setting many on fire, before making his exit in a hurry. Dazed and suffering from multiple broken bones, Zelda drags herself back to Cilla.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from whe...”
Zelda: “Shutup, just SHUTUP! Let’s see number 3.”
(Pika hops out of his chair and bounds around the corner, thinking he’s won. Upon being informed otherwise, his face turns red, and he performs his trademark, shocking Zelda and setting Cilla’s ginger wig on fire, along with knocking out most of the audience.)
Cilla: “And finally...you chose...number...tw...”(Cilla collapses)
(The divide is drawn back and Bob runs up to Zelda to kiss her. However, as they fall into each other’s arms, they struggle to meet each other’s lips. After a few frantic moments of straining at the neck, Zelda stops and looks down to find out what’s obstructing them.)
Zelda: “What the...”
Bob: No, please...DON’T!”
(Zelda tears off Bob’s long coat to reveal a huge pair of breasts attached to Bob.)
Bob: “I was going to tell you...honest!”
(Zelda thinks a little more, before realising. She rips of Bob’s moustache, glasses and toupee, to reveal...)
Zelda: “LARA CROFT?!”
Lara: “I know, I’m sorry, really I am, but I didn’t want anyone to know.”
Zelda: “Know...what?”
Lara: “Can’t you work it out for yourself?”
(Realisation kicks in.)
Zelda: “YOU’RE A LESBIAN!”
(Those still conscious in the audience faint, apart from one. Lara casually backflips off stage, shooting out the lights and sobbing as she goes. Zelda, not knowing what to think of it all, drags herself up the stairs she came down. All is silent, apart from the quiet whirr of one operational camera. A lone figure rises from the audience and runs up to the camera.)
Lone figure: “It’s-a-me-a, MARIO!”
Thanks for reading, guys and girls. I’m sorry it’s not as funny in writing as it was in my head earlier and I tried to make it as short as possible, but I hope you enjoyed what’s there.
Uncle Albert
Cilla: “Well, hello boys and girls, and welcome to a very special episode of Blind Date! On tonight’s show, the contestants are all from the world of videogames! In the next half hour, three handsome (coughs) chaps are all going to try and talk their way into a date with THIS lovely lady...
(The curtains are drawn back and the camera moves slowly from the feet upwards to reveal a glittering, beaming Princess Zelda, pointy ears and all. The crowd go ballistic as Zelda picks up her dress to descend the stairway, but promptly burst out in laughter as she falls down most of them thanks to her high-heeled shoes.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from where I was standing!”
(Cursing beneath her breath, mumbling something about ginger and Northern monkeys, Zelda gradually picks herself up and laughs it off with her infamously irritating giggle.)
Zelda: “Oh, don’t worry about me Cilla, us Hyrulians just bounce right back, and I hope the lads can as well, as I’m REALLY going to put one of them through their paces tonight!”
Cilla: “Woah, ok, then tiger. So, how’s life as a Princess these days?”
Zelda: “Bit of a drag to be honest. Why is it my hero always has to be this stupid little kid, who insists on constantly wearing green and the length of his sword is just pathetic, really.”
(Smirks and giggling can be heard from the other side of the of the wall.)
Zelda: “And if that isn’t enough, the one man who is always after me is a ginga!”
(Cilla gives Zelda a murderous glare.)
Zelda: “Did I say ‘ginga’?”
Cilla: “Yes.”
Zelda: “Oh, slip of the tongue there. What I meant was he’s a ‘minga’.”
Cilla: “Yes, well, I think it’s time we met the lads...no peaking now, you little *cough*.”
(As the cameraman manoeuvres his equipment around the divide he zooms in on the first contestant before quickly backing off, at the first whiff of the stench of the beast.)
Cilla: “Well hello thur, Number 1. Tell us, what’s your name and where are you from?”
Number 1: (In a deep, gruff voice) “Hi Cilla, I’m called bowser, among other things (looks at Mario in crowd), and I’m from...ermmm...well, I’m not quite sure really.”
Cilla: “Oh, fair enough then. So tell us a little bit more about you.”
Bowser: “Well, by trade, I’m a qualified and highly-successful Princess-napper, but in my spare time I enjoy the odd bit of evil-doing as well as tormenting a certain fat plumber in the audience today.”
Cilla: “You seem to regard kidnapping Princesses as something not related to your ‘evil-doing’. Do you not think it’s a bit on the evil-side of things?”
Bowser: “Not at all, it’s a certified profession I’ll have you know.”
(Cilla slowly takes a few steps back from Bowser, for fear of her own safety and the smell.)
Cilla: “OK then, I think it’s time we moved onto number 2! Ermm, hi Number 2, what’s you’re name and where you from?”
Number 2: (In a suspiciously-odd voice) “Hi, my name’s...ermm...Bob Jones and I’m from...that’s personal information I do not wish to disclose.”
Cilla: “If you say so. Hmmm, Bob Jones…doesn’t ring a bell, I must say.”
Bob: “I’m from a game on the X-Box.”
(A few giggles can be heard from the crowd.)
Cilla: “Ah, I see, that would explain a few things then. Say, that’s an interesting outfit you’ve gone for there – a brown longcoat, with thick-rimmed black glasses and the bushiest moustache I’ve seen in a long while, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
Bob: “mumble...mumble”
Cilla: “What was that Bob?”
*No response*
Cilla: “Well, time’s flying by so we must press on. So, let’s move onto tonight’s final contestant – number 3. Hello thur, number...”
(Finding it hard to take in what sits before her, Cilla paused before continuing cautiously.)
Cilla: “...three.”
Number 3: “PIKA!!”
(Rather anxiously, Cilla looks to the show director for answers, but is met with a blank face.)
Cilla: “So, erm, number 3 – what are you? Ermm, I mean, who are you?”
Number 3: “Pika? Pikachu!”
Cilla: “Pikachu...yes?”
Pikachu: “Pika.”
Cilla: “OK, good. So, where are you from?”
Pikachu: “Pika?” (Pikachu tilts his head in a confused manner.)
Cilla: “Don’t worry, I don’t think that really matters right now. So, without further ado, let’s crack on with tonight’s BLIND DATE!”
(Audience claps as prompted, along with a few jeers in the direction of Bowser from a pair in dungarees as well as a giant fish repeating the name “goldeen” and a rock uttering the word “geo” followed by “dude” continuously.)
Cilla: “Zelda, what’s your first question and who’s it for?”
Zelda: “Well Cilla, my first question is this – as a Princess, life does have it’s luxuries. I am constantly pampered and can have ANYTHING at the click of a finger. If you were my servant, what would you do to try and impress me? And that goes to number 1.”
Bowser: “That’s an easy one. Don’t you find it frustrating having to wait for your meals to be cooked? Well, I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve that ensures you’ll never have to wait for your meals again. I realise you can’t see me, but let me give you a little demonstration.”
(Bowser rises from his seat and, with a vast intake of air, proceeds to emit a huge flame in Mario’s direction.
Mario: “Mama mia! I’ll-a get you after the show!”
(Bowser grins and gives him the finger, before sitting down once more.)
Zelda: “Oh my! Very impressive! And, to number 2?”
Bob: “Well, the way I see it, what’s the point in being able to cook your meat, if you can’t catch it to begin with, such is the problem Bowser here suffers from. With my dual pistols and acrobatic jumps, I’ll be able to rustle up any exotic meat you want! From man-eating bears, to the rarest and deadliest tigers of China!”
Zelda: “Well this is certainly becoming very food orientated! And finally, to number 3 please.”
Pikachu: “Pika Pika! Piiikkaaachuu!!
(Pikachu emits a glorious array of lightning, killing all the lights in the studio and taking the program off the air for the best part of five minutes.)
Cilla: “Welcome back ladies and gentlemen and sorry about the delay there. So, Zelda, you’re second and final question if you please.”
Zelda: “Hey? I thought I got three questions??”
Cilla: “Yes well, thanks to that hyperactive yellow rat over there, we’re running out of time.”
Zelda: “Now hang on a second, how can I make a judgement when I’m only allo-“
Cilla: “Just ask the frickin’ question girl, so we can all get the hell outta here and go home!”
(With a rather shocked and slightly frightened expression on her face, Zelda turns to the divide and voices her final question.)
Zelda: “OK, here goes – simple and straight to the point. How would you arouse me in the bedroom? And that goes to number 2.”
Bob: “Bedroom? Why must it be in a bedroom? I’d take you into the depths of the Asian jungles where the thought of deadly creatures surrounding us and rough vines and branches entangling our naked bodies would excite you like you’ve never experienced before. And THEN we’d do it like you never thought POSSIBLE!”
(By this time, Bob has risen from her, erm, I mean his seat and is breathing heavily, with his chest pumping in and out excitedly. Cilla pops around the corner to check everything’s alright.)
Cilla: “Why Bob, if you don’t mind me passing comment, that’s certainly a rather filled-out chest you’ve got there!”
Bob: “So? What’s wrong with that? Can’t a man go to gym once in a while?!”
Cilla: “Okay, okay, just saying...”
Zelda: “And the same again to number 1.”
Bowser: “Hmm, well that’s a toughy, because we’d have a bit of a problem in that department. We could make up for it making Luigi scream like a girl though!”
Luigi: “Hey, stop digging up the past Bowser, it really hurts!”
Bowser: “I didn’t say you WAS a girl, man.”
Luigi: “Oh, well…that’s okay then.”
(Luigi sits down in the crowd, most of whom are staring at him with bemused looks on their faces.)
Zelda: “Interesting...and finally to number 3.”
Pikachu: “PIKA!!”
Zelda: “Hmm, thought you might say that, somehow.”
Cilla: “Well, that’s it Zelda, you’ve asked the questions and now it’s time for the decisions. But first, let’s make it a little bit easier for you with our Graham.”
Graham: “Quite a choice you’ve got yourself there Zelda. Do you go for fiery number 1, with his issues downstairs and hope that he buys you some nose plugs? Or how about the mysterious number 2, who isn’t quite what he seems. Or finally, there’s number 3. And let me just say if you DO choose him, get yourself booked into a mental hospital.”
Cilla: “Thank you Graham. Slightly more critical than normal, but just as useless as ever! So, who’s it going to be Zelda?”
Zelda: “It sure is a toughie, but I’ve reached my decision. I can smell number 1 from here, so he’s out. Number 3 is a little odd and simple for my tastes, so it has to be…NUMBER THREE!!!”
Cilla: “Number three it is! But first let’s meet the other contestants. First of all, you turned down number 1, come in number 1!”
(As Bowser removes his vast bulk from the tight chair, he sneakily lets out a silent one, to the disapproval of number 2. As he passes the divide he makes his move, grabbing Zelda and making a run for the exit.)
Bowser: “Ha-Ha! I have you in my grasp once more Princess!”
(Before he can advance any further, the foreign guy from the Grolsche adverts appears in his way.”
Grolsche guy: “What are you doing? This kidnap situation is not ready yet! You’re not in a videogame and that isn’t even the right Princess!”
(In a blind moment of confusion, Bowser pauses, looks at the princess he’s holding before throwing her to the ground in fury!)
Bowser: “RAAAAAARRR!!”
(Building himself into a massive rage, Bowser, let’s rip a vast combustible fart in the direction of the audience, setting many on fire, before making his exit in a hurry. Dazed and suffering from multiple broken bones, Zelda drags herself back to Cilla.)
Cilla: “Ohhh, you alright there luv? That looked pretty nasty from whe...”
Zelda: “Shutup, just SHUTUP! Let’s see number 3.”
(Pika hops out of his chair and bounds around the corner, thinking he’s won. Upon being informed otherwise, his face turns red, and he performs his trademark, shocking Zelda and setting Cilla’s ginger wig on fire, along with knocking out most of the audience.)
Cilla: “And finally...you chose...number...tw...”(Cilla collapses)
(The divide is drawn back and Bob runs up to Zelda to kiss her. However, as they fall into each other’s arms, they struggle to meet each other’s lips. After a few frantic moments of straining at the neck, Zelda stops and looks down to find out what’s obstructing them.)
Zelda: “What the...”
Bob: No, please...DON’T!”
(Zelda tears off Bob’s long coat to reveal a huge pair of breasts attached to Bob.)
Bob: “I was going to tell you...honest!”
(Zelda thinks a little more, before realising. She rips of Bob’s moustache, glasses and toupee, to reveal...)
Zelda: “LARA CROFT?!”
Lara: “I know, I’m sorry, really I am, but I didn’t want anyone to know.”
Zelda: “Know...what?”
Lara: “Can’t you work it out for yourself?”
(Realisation kicks in.)
Zelda: “YOU’RE A LESBIAN!”
(Those still conscious in the audience faint, apart from one. Lara casually backflips off stage, shooting out the lights and sobbing as she goes. Zelda, not knowing what to think of it all, drags herself up the stairs she came down. All is silent, apart from the quiet whirr of one operational camera. A lone figure rises from the audience and runs up to the camera.)
Lone figure: “It’s-a-me-a, MARIO!”
Thanks for reading, guys and girls. I’m sorry it’s not as funny in writing as it was in my head earlier and I tried to make it as short as possible, but I hope you enjoyed what’s there.
Uncle Albert