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The Cube Games – Enjoy!
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Welcome to the Cube Games, where the best of the best (16 of them, infact) shall be whittled down to just 1 single person, the ultimate Cube gamer. Note that when I say Cube, I do not only mean Gamecube, I mean, transportation. You’ll see…
But now, our 16 ultimate gamers are…
Meka Dragon, Sir Auron, BIGMAN, Simzer, RM18, Strafex, Cyclone, Cookie Monster, Tiltawhirl, Cubist, Nintendoid, Indian-DudeY2K, Dringo, Hybrid Valves, Mr Ripper and Dead Wonder.
*audience cheers*
Plus, we have our official referee, Mr Snuggly
*more cheers, and clapping*
But first, we must divide you 16 into 4 groups of 4, for the 4 multiplayer challenges that face you. The divisions?
Group A is Meka Dragon, BIMAN, RM18 and Dringo. Group B is Sir Auron, Simzer, Cubist and Mr Ripper. Group C is Strafex, Cyclone, Tiltawhirl and Dead Wonder and finally Group D is Cookie Monster, Nintendoid, Indian-DudeY2K and Hybrid Valves.
*various shouts are heard, some telling C-M to kick monkey butt, some telling Cyclone he’s going down and some screaming ‘I love you’ at Meka Dragon*
There are 4 games chosen for tonight as well, which are, in no desperately important order…
Super Monkey Ball 2 : GonGon’s Revenge…..
Mario Kart GC
Perfeck’ Dark -1 and finally
Doshin The Giant 2 : Fight for Survival
But who will play what first? Let’s find out now… Group A will play……MARIO KART GC!!! Group B will play …. DOSHIN THE GIANT 2! Group C will play..SUPER MONKEY BALL 2 and obviously Group D will play PERFECT DARK -1!
*the audience cheered once more*
But now it is time for the reckoning. Prepare yourself contestants, for now begins, the Cube Games!!
(16 human sized cubes encased the contestants. Once everyone was inside, the lifted up from the ground, where the audience could see them all looking visibly frightened. They began to get taken through a huge tube at the top, and within a minute, all 16 were gone)
Now that they’re off to prepare, we’ll take a break..oh, no, wait, it seems they are ready already!!!
(All 16 contestants, in their groups, were now in the equipment they needed for their game. The Monkey Ballers were in, eh, balls. The karts had their own helmets, pads and obviously the kart. Perfeck’ Darkers had guns…lots of guns, and the Giants were in huge mechanical ‘things’. (Coding time must have been short of Nintendo HQ))
(The contestants knew what to do now. They were in the game. Whilst other ‘gamers’ played with a controller, they did the real thing. Obviously, you can be hurt during the game, but it has been told that even though you supposedly cannot, some have died during these tournaments, which aren’t even VR. The video game actually springs to life. An invention in the modern world)
First, let’s see the…..Mario Kart GC event!
(All 4 contestants are on the starting grid, ready for action. 4 non-human players appear, taking the final 4 positions on the grid. The level is Mystic Lake, and Mr Snuggly is floating about on a cloud. Or so RM18 said…)
Let’s get the race started!
3………2……….1……..Bananas!!!!
(Everyone looks at Snuggly, who we’ve established IS actually in midair, its not just RM18)
I mean..er…GO!
All the karts revved up to that amazing 150cc goodness and ‘sped’ off the start line. One of the computer karters took out RM18 with a red shell, resulting in a horribly early crash for the boy. Meka Dragon was speeding along in first until the dreaded blue shell took him out, and he was suddenly 7th, only in front of the dumbest computer that ever lived (funnily enough, that karter was controlled by a Mac). BIGMAN was now in 2nd, but slipped on a banana left by Dringo, and was overtaked many a time. As the group, eh, regrouped, in an area of the course with few weapons, almost all the karters got round the hairpin bend that makes this course what it is (that is, bendy) and got onto a long straight, littered with weapons. A CP got in a mass freeze, getting himself from 5th to 1st, whilst everyone else was frozen for 5 seconds. But it wasn’t long before Meka, now in 5th, got revenge, with the nuke, completely destroying the thundery computer. The 2nd lap was pretty uneventful though, but on the third lap, all hell broke loose. Dringo got his hands on a nuke, and took out another CP. RM18, who’d miraculously pushed his way to 1st, caused havoc with an earthquake just as he crossed the finish line. Dringo crossed in 2nd, with a CP taking over Meka at the line, so he got 4th, and BIGMAN got in 5th. The points after the round?
(All 4 contestants return, in their cubes, minus karting equipment, to studio)
RM18, you score 10 points, Dringo, you score 7 points, Meka, you score 5 points and BIGMAN you get 3 points. Let’s see how Group B do in the Doshin The Giant 2 challenge.
(Group B are seen on monster screens (as they are huge mechanical machines themselves) preparing to duel. Sir Auron (red), Simzer (green), Cubist (yellow) and Mr Ripper (blue) were all preparing when a spike, with Mr Snuggly attached, fell to the ground.
Eh….where am I? (psswss…The fight?....God!) Let’s get started folks. You got 3 minutes to beat each other senseless. Last down wins….3….2….1…Ba..*slap!* I mean, GO!
(All 4 machines stepped into motion, then stopped, as all the lights in the arena, and indeed, the whole island, went off)
Ehh…
(They suddenly switched back on)
There we go! Fight!
Sir Auron started by booting Cubist straight to the floor, but he bounced right up, sjumped in the air, Matrix style, and gave Sir A some of his own medicine. Simzer however, was hiding in the corner, whispering reassuring things that the *leprechaun* was telling him. Obviously the Irish wee-man did nothing for him though, because his monster Doshin was whacked in the face by Mr Ripper, who had been pushed by Sir Auron’s fall. As Cubist continued his barrage of attacks, he was beginning to lose stamina, and Simzer took advantage, at first, just lightly punching him, but within a minute, Simzer was taking what seemed to be all the rage he’d ever had out on Cubist. With his huge attack and even huger beating, Cubist fell to the floor. 1 down, 2 to go for everyone. But with only a minute and a half, who is next?
Sir Auron stood up again and got ready to perform an attack, mustering all the energy his giant Doshin could find. Just as Simzer turned round, Sir Auron unleashed it. Unfortunately, Mr Ripper, never to miss out on the action, walked in front of Simzer, and he received the brunt of the attack, flying across the arena, and definitely out. Now there was only 30 seconds left, and Sir Auron was completely knackered, meaning Simzer could get in for a very easy kill, just a few kicks and a few more punches. He went down, and the bell rang, with Simzer being declared the winner.
(All 4 players were thrown into their cubes and brought back, completely shaken, but absolutely loving it)
Well, we must say well done to Simzer, getting 10 points. Sir Auron picks up 7 points, Mr Ripper 5 points and Cubist gets an unfortunate 3. But with that event over, it seems time to introduce Group C with Strafex, Cyclone, Tiltawhirl and Dead Wonder all vying for first play in our Mystical Magical Monkey Monstrosity of a…er…challenge … Anywho, the challenge is Monkey Rafting, and our resident monkey ref shall be Mr Snuggly (he’s in the pink raft by the way). It’s a 4 rafter trial, so no CP players. I believe you are all ready on the start line, so let’s find out about the course
(The course was scanned over with a panning camera. All the twists, turns, sandy shores, rocky cliffs, river animals and used syringes could be seen. Unfortunately, some were more obvious than others. Various producers could be heard shouting ‘Cut the pan!!’, but it was all shown anyway. The starting line had all 4 lined up, each eyeing up the competition. Snuggly, in his pink raft, was in most danger in this challenge, simply because he followed the same route as the other rafters)
Rafters, are you all ready to GO?
*all rafters shouted yes, some more reassuringly than others, though*
(3...2…1….GO! was shouted by Snuggly as the race began and he followed)
It seems already that..that Strafex is hitting Cyclone with his oars….yes, both of his ‘ores were being used as weapons. I bet he payed highly for that. But Tilta and DW are running away with this trial, rampaging down the river, that was, until Tilta hit a rock and went flying. Looks like he’s out the race, and it seems Snuggly is going to fast and…OUCH that GOTTA hurt as he basically flies off a horribly place stone. No ref then? DW is going strong, but Cyclone has caught up after escaping Strafex’s evil weapons. Bot are hurtling down this river. And we’ve just been told that Strafex has been disqualified from the race for…er…indecent conduct by the acting ref (Snuggly’s dog, Toto(ro). Ahem. Well now it seems it’s going to be between DW and Cyclone, and we’re not that far away from the finishing line. As DW uses the rocks to his advantage, Cyclone chooses the smooth path, with less risk but possibly less speed. As the underwater life is severly disturbed, we see both of the finalists emerging from their separate routes, meeting (and bumping) in the middle of the river. As they cross the finish line, slo-slo-slo-mo technology must be used to see who crossed first.
It seems that Cyclone crossed first, due to the fact it was just a clever hologram of himself DW devised to take part for him. But no Snuggly means no rules, so there will be no disqualification. The only problem we may have is making DW buy a games console and leave that darned PC. One day my friends. one day.
(All 4 contestants, and Snuggly, are transported back to the studio via the cubes)
Anyway, after that round, we have Cyclone with 10 points, DW with 7 points, Strafex with 5 points and Tiltawhirl with only 3 points. Not to worry, you still have one chance to try and get into the final section the the competition. That is, after the Group D trial, who are playing Perfeck’ Dark -1. Good luck folks!
(The 4 Perfeck’ gamers - Cookie Monster, Nintendoid, Indian-DudeY2K and Hybrid Valves, are already in the Perfeck’ Dark -1 lock down rooms. The stage is set…Nuclear Storage Depot 1.3.547, and the guns are loaded. Mr Snuggly, however, seems to be glowing green. Not so good, be he insists on starting the race)
3…..2…..1…..
(Snuggly falls to the ground, suffering from some radioactive diseasy thing. So Toto(ro), Snuggly’s dog, fills in)
Woof!
(Competition officials quickly check to see what that meant. Apparently it means Carrot in dog, which, in a peculiar yet still existent way, has a link with Go! And on that word..)
They’re off, ready to take each other down! C-M was slyly jumping round the corners. That just too much Lucozade I guess, but look at that! Indian Dude and Hybrid Valves have met up already. Hybrid isn’t hanging about, he’s gunning down Indian Dude, who has no armour, and DOWN HE GOES!! Indian Dude is out of the competition! But who will be next? Nintendoid seems to be prowling in a more defensive than offensive manner, as is C-M, but Hybird, full of confidence, is, is..SWAGGERING around the complex! Ouch! That gotta hurt! C-M just found Hybrid and … ohh …. let’s just say, hurt him where you don’t want to be hurt. And out he goes, one of the quickest eliminations yet. It seems that only Cookie Monster and Nintendoid are surviving, with C-M passing the nuclear waste vats and Nintendoid….Nintendoid seems to be shooting at the vats, and C-M is covered in toxic gunk. Oh gog! C-M is out and Nintendoid WINS!
(The 4 gamers are brought back in their cubes, ready to receive the scores)
Well Nintendoid, what a classy kill, and 10 well deserved points! Cookie Monster, nice job, and 7 points. Hybrid, fast first elim, so you get 5 points, and Indian Dude, what happened! Only 3 points!
So, after 4 rounds of real gaming action, we must whittle down are players to 8. And how shall we be doing this. With a wonderful, magical game of 16 player ChuChuRocket Revenge! Let’s play! First 4 out get 1 point, second 4 get 3 points, 3rd 4 get 5 points, 4th,3rd and 2nd get 7 points and 1st gets 10.
(All 16 players got ready in the cubes, and suddenly became mice. Snuggly became a KapuKapu. This should be interesting. No GO! was needed. Everyone skittled along for their life..)
Nintendoid, Dringo and Meka Dragon seem to be gone already, and have delved into the pits, as has RM18 and Strafex! They all get 1 point each, and Strafex gets 3! Snuggly is running along full pace, and has..has EATEN 5 people in 1 row! Hybrid, Cookie Monster and DW all get 3 points and Tiltawhirl and Cubist gets 5 points! The rockets aren’t full, but it seems Sir Auron has escaped, and therefore gets 10 points! Simzer has just fallen in the rocket hole for 5 points, and Kapu has taken down a further 2 folk, Cyclone, for 5 points, and BIGMAN, for 7 points! Mr Ripper and Indian Dude are running like never before, but…it’s Toto(ro) and he’s got Mr Ripper for 7 points, meaning Indian dude gets 7 too! What a match
(All 16 contestants return to the arena in the cubes, some tired, some depressed, some celebrating their continuation into the Semi-Finals)
Here’s the end of round scores – 11 points for RM18, 8 points for Dringo, 6 points for Meka, 10 points for BIGMAN, 15 points for Simzer, 17 points for Sir Auron, 13 points for Mr Ripper, 8 points for Cubist, 15 points for Cyclone, 10 points for DW, 8 points for Strafex, 8 points for Tiltawhirl, 11 points for Nintendoid, 10 points for C-M, 8 points for Hybrid Valves and 10 points for Indian Dude. Phew! So, who’s going through?
Simzer….Sir Auron….Cyclone…..Mr Ripper…..RM18……Nintendoid……and we have a mass draw between Indian Dude, BIGMAN, DW…so which 2 go through between them 3.
It’s the toss of a 3 sided coin…and it seems…………BIGMAN is going through, and….Indian Dude is through to!
Don’t worry though, all 8 not going through win £1000, and Indian Dude and DW win the elim bonus of £1000 each!
(The cubes took away the slightly miserable lot, whilst 8 cubes remained standing, with a large video wall crossing out the names of those who’d gone out)
We must immediately eliminate a further 4 from your ranks though, so get ready combatants, for…Super Duper Smash Bros. and Second Cousins Melee v.2.3!
*Tumbleweed blows by, silence comes across the studio, only a faint cough by an old man with severe arthritis*
I mean…Rollcage 3!
*audience yells and screams*
(All 8 contestants are taken, by cube, to the course, Metropolis Mound. With lots of twists and turns, and a bustling city, all hell will break loose. Or so the organisers of the event hope, as their sponsors won’t be happy…I mean…)
Get Ready! Set!!! GO!!!
(All 8 racers sped off the line)
Sir Auron seems to be disorientated and has flown right over the barrier into a pet store! The authorities will not be happy, and neither is Auron, he is automatically out of the games, and is now going back in his cube. Mr Ripper and Cyclone are barging into each other in the chase of Simzer in first place. But the barging seems to have been won by Cyclone, and Mr Ripper has smashed into the wall, and out of the race. RM18 has taken over even Simzer, and Simzer has been brutally frozen, taken out of the race. Only 1 more needs to go, and it seems like its gonna be….BIGMAN, with a colossal smash into the checkpoint barrier, with the help of a laser bolt from Nintendoid! And Indian Dude, who hung back, is through by a dodgy default! And so we have it, our 4 finalists! Back in the cubes they go!
(The 4 finalists are cubed back to their starting place)
Well, we’ve managed, it seems, to grind you folk down from the 16 you used to be to the 4 you are now
(4 more gamers are crossed off the video wall, and the cubed losers are seen chucked on the streets with a wad of cash and their Public Liabilty E4578 forms. Simzer cries)
Cyclone…..RM18……Nintendoid…..Indian DudeY2K….you are our 4 final gamers. You have managed to successfully gain enough points, and strategise, to get you here, and are now all magnificent in your own right, But only 1 of you can be the best. And we’ll soon find out which one, as we head into the final trials. These 3 challenges will test you to the limits. Enough chat, let’s play…
(All 4 cubed gamers get ready for the first trial)
This trial will test your gaming skills, not in one particular game, but in the way you co-ordinate and control yourself. In front of you is a screen and a panel with 6 buttons, A, B, C, D, Start and Select. When a combination shows on the screen, type it in as fast as you can. Beat the others to win. 5 combinations, 1 credit each to the fastest folk. Good luck!
(All the competitors got ready, whilst Snuggly said the important words)
Combination 1 : UP!!!
(All 4 bashed the buttons, as the combination involved only 2 buttons repeatedly)
STOP! The fastest was RM18 – 1 credit. Combination 2 : UP!!!
(This time the combination used every button, in a repeated combination. But the buttons moved around mid combination)
That’s it! The fastest was Cyclone, getting 1 credit. Combination 3 is …. UP!
(Harshly, the buttons flashed, and had to be pressed, whilst the buttons turned and switched around. RM18 struggled with this one)
Time up, and Cyclone once again got top – 1 credit! 4th combination - - UP!
(Indian Dude seemed to have snagged this one, as this was his best type of combination. 1 button had to be hit several times, but must not be hit at other times, FF8-summon-boost style)
Indian DudeY2K has got it – 1 credit to you! And the final combination is up…now!
(Nothing came up on the screens, the competitors puzzled, looking at the audience, except one. Then 1 button came up, and Nintendoid hit it immediately)
Nintendoid gets the credit! That’s the end of trial 1! See you later!
(Snuggly whizzed off the stage, laughing like a maniac, for a currently undetermined reason)
Trial 1 is over, and Cyclone is leading, with 2 credits! But all can change in the next challenge, where all the contestants will be let out of their cubes, and onto a monster board game. Who can move 30 steps to the goal before the others? Let’s find out!!
(The cubes are dropped in four places, all diagonals, leading to a centre point goal, and opened on Snugger’s shout)
Err…OPEN!
(The cubes open)
Heh, cool! Let’s see…..SUFFOCATE
(Nothing happens)
Aww. Still, better start the game. 3…2…1….GO!
(A monstrosity of a dice falls from the sky. RM18 rolls, and gets a 6)
Safe square for RM18. And Cyclone has rolled a 4, landing on a Bomb, which has propelled him to square…2….Nintendoid has rolled a 3 onto a Bomb Enemy, and has bombed Cyclone back to 0. Indian Dude rolls a 1, and moves onto a warp square, to square 10! RM18 rolls a 5 and hits the warp all, so everyone is now level pegging on square 20. Cyclone rolls a 6, for another warp, taking him to square 29. Nintendoid gets a 5, landing him on a double score, getting him a 10, leading him to the…GOAL!
Nintendoid has won – 2 credits for you, 1 for everyone else!
(The short-lived and unskilled event over, the final true challenge awaits the combatants)
The current scores – with 3 credits each, Nintendoid and Cyclone. With 2 each, IndianDudeY2K and RM18. The final event will decide the winner (and their prize) so who will it be?
The final event, a gaming challenge, and a fairly tough one at that, is Black and White 3 : Chimpy’s Return. You must choose your creature, and find out who you..I mean, beat the holy hell out of each other. Simple as it may seem, it’s a 4-creature brawl, and your creatures’ creature can help out to. Only 1 life, 1 credit for 1st out, 2 for 2nd and so on. Let’s play!
(The cubed players are horribly transformed into their creature. And Toto(ro) is divided into 4, and mutilated to act as the creatures’ creature. The 4 (or 5, or even 8) are taken to the B&W island (home to Doshin and various other tribes who claim not to live to Earth) and are given team tactics by Jashin, Snuggly appeared)
Get Ready to fight to the end! THREE!...TWO!.....ONE!.............
*the audience back in the studio were drooling in anticipation*
GOOOOOO!
(All hell breaks loose)
RM18 and his little pal start to take out intense anger on IndianDudeY2K, as does Cyclone, whilst Nintendoid and his little friend stand in the background. IndianDudeY2K seems to be taking quite a beating, but RM18 has noticed Nintendoid, and owww….that must of hurt, as RM’s little creature got Nintendoid where it hurts. It seems he has fallen, and has 10 seconds to get back up. How cute, his creature is trying to do emergency resus, but it’s all in vain, as Nintendoid is out, 4th in the championship!
But 3 remain, and Cyclone and RM18 have resorted back to almost teaming up and beating Indian Dude. Wait, ID’s creature has got Cyclone, and ID seems to be able to fight back to RM18 alone. RM18 and ID are really scrapping it out, whilst Cyclone is battling the creature with himself and his own creature, and ID’s creature seems to be out! Cyclone is back to taking down Indian Dude, and he’s DOWN! 10 counts, 9 counts *fast forward* 1 count….OUT! And take your little part of dog with you. Snuggly’s beginning to wonder where it’s gone.
Only RM18 and Cyclone remain. And it seems they are trying not to fight, but to agree on 1st place split between themselves, as RM18 holds out hand! Cyclone is going to shake bac…..oh no! Cyclone has twisted RM18’s arm and RM18 has fallen to the ground in pain. The countdown begins…
10 – The audience is quiet
9 – The winds on the island blows by, Cyclone smiling
8 – RM18 writhes in pain…
7 – The creature sobs
6 – The other smugly smiles like its master
5 – Jashin laugh’s at the destruction
4 – Doshin cries at the lack of trust ‘these days’
3 – The island inhabitants realise their hiding place may be discovered
2 – Frogs are cloned
1 – RM18 seems unconscious
0 – HE IS OUT! And CYCLONE is the GREATEST GAMER WINNER!
Well done Cyclone…not only must a gamer have quick fingers, skill and luck, and ability to fight, he must be able to lie…why does he not have the new shoes but a GC game? Why has his PC got a virus? Was it the virus software down, or was it the cheap game for Ingilston market… it’s a key attribute, or so we can say until the courts decided tomorrow, but that’s not the point, you WON! And RM18, you came second! Well done, both of you!
(All 4 are transported back to the studio, except Nintendoid, who isn’t a top ranker, and is given the wad of cash and the normal forms)
IndianDudeY2K – You came 3rd, and gain a magnificent unspecified amount of cash and a bronze (plated) trophy!
*cheers and shouts from the audience*
RM18, You came an unfortunate 2nd, and gain a superb yet still unspecified amount of cash and another cheap silver trophy. Congratualtions!
*louder and longer cheers*
And Cyclone, you little cheat, you get 1st! You get the biggest (yet still unspecified) amount of cash plus a slightly more real 1.53 carat gold trophy encrusted with…eh…mould. Well done there!
*huge cheers, a few jeers, and screams from a select few fans*
Now get out, the lot of you. And your little dog too!
Well, that’s the end of the Cube games, and I hope you sincerely enjoyed it. The violence, the tense atmosphere, the really dumb yet highly original mode of transportation, and the sly contestants. Wecan’t wait til next years games, but until then, don’t just play games…
Be games! Good night!!!
*cue cheesy ending music*
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Thanks for reading
© Paul Holmes 2002
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Welcome to the Cube Games, where the best of the best (16 of them, infact) shall be whittled down to just 1 single person, the ultimate Cube gamer. Note that when I say Cube, I do not only mean Gamecube, I mean, transportation. You’ll see…
But now, our 16 ultimate gamers are…
Meka Dragon, Sir Auron, BIGMAN, Simzer, RM18, Strafex, Cyclone, Cookie Monster, Tiltawhirl, Cubist, Nintendoid, Indian-DudeY2K, Dringo, Hybrid Valves, Mr Ripper and Dead Wonder.
*audience cheers*
Plus, we have our official referee, Mr Snuggly
*more cheers, and clapping*
But first, we must divide you 16 into 4 groups of 4, for the 4 multiplayer challenges that face you. The divisions?
Group A is Meka Dragon, BIMAN, RM18 and Dringo. Group B is Sir Auron, Simzer, Cubist and Mr Ripper. Group C is Strafex, Cyclone, Tiltawhirl and Dead Wonder and finally Group D is Cookie Monster, Nintendoid, Indian-DudeY2K and Hybrid Valves.
*various shouts are heard, some telling C-M to kick monkey butt, some telling Cyclone he’s going down and some screaming ‘I love you’ at Meka Dragon*
There are 4 games chosen for tonight as well, which are, in no desperately important order…
Super Monkey Ball 2 : GonGon’s Revenge…..
Mario Kart GC
Perfeck’ Dark -1 and finally
Doshin The Giant 2 : Fight for Survival
But who will play what first? Let’s find out now… Group A will play……MARIO KART GC!!! Group B will play …. DOSHIN THE GIANT 2! Group C will play..SUPER MONKEY BALL 2 and obviously Group D will play PERFECT DARK -1!
*the audience cheered once more*
But now it is time for the reckoning. Prepare yourself contestants, for now begins, the Cube Games!!
(16 human sized cubes encased the contestants. Once everyone was inside, the lifted up from the ground, where the audience could see them all looking visibly frightened. They began to get taken through a huge tube at the top, and within a minute, all 16 were gone)
Now that they’re off to prepare, we’ll take a break..oh, no, wait, it seems they are ready already!!!
(All 16 contestants, in their groups, were now in the equipment they needed for their game. The Monkey Ballers were in, eh, balls. The karts had their own helmets, pads and obviously the kart. Perfeck’ Darkers had guns…lots of guns, and the Giants were in huge mechanical ‘things’. (Coding time must have been short of Nintendo HQ))
(The contestants knew what to do now. They were in the game. Whilst other ‘gamers’ played with a controller, they did the real thing. Obviously, you can be hurt during the game, but it has been told that even though you supposedly cannot, some have died during these tournaments, which aren’t even VR. The video game actually springs to life. An invention in the modern world)
First, let’s see the…..Mario Kart GC event!
(All 4 contestants are on the starting grid, ready for action. 4 non-human players appear, taking the final 4 positions on the grid. The level is Mystic Lake, and Mr Snuggly is floating about on a cloud. Or so RM18 said…)
Let’s get the race started!
3………2……….1……..Bananas!!!!
(Everyone looks at Snuggly, who we’ve established IS actually in midair, its not just RM18)
I mean..er…GO!
All the karts revved up to that amazing 150cc goodness and ‘sped’ off the start line. One of the computer karters took out RM18 with a red shell, resulting in a horribly early crash for the boy. Meka Dragon was speeding along in first until the dreaded blue shell took him out, and he was suddenly 7th, only in front of the dumbest computer that ever lived (funnily enough, that karter was controlled by a Mac). BIGMAN was now in 2nd, but slipped on a banana left by Dringo, and was overtaked many a time. As the group, eh, regrouped, in an area of the course with few weapons, almost all the karters got round the hairpin bend that makes this course what it is (that is, bendy) and got onto a long straight, littered with weapons. A CP got in a mass freeze, getting himself from 5th to 1st, whilst everyone else was frozen for 5 seconds. But it wasn’t long before Meka, now in 5th, got revenge, with the nuke, completely destroying the thundery computer. The 2nd lap was pretty uneventful though, but on the third lap, all hell broke loose. Dringo got his hands on a nuke, and took out another CP. RM18, who’d miraculously pushed his way to 1st, caused havoc with an earthquake just as he crossed the finish line. Dringo crossed in 2nd, with a CP taking over Meka at the line, so he got 4th, and BIGMAN got in 5th. The points after the round?
(All 4 contestants return, in their cubes, minus karting equipment, to studio)
RM18, you score 10 points, Dringo, you score 7 points, Meka, you score 5 points and BIGMAN you get 3 points. Let’s see how Group B do in the Doshin The Giant 2 challenge.
(Group B are seen on monster screens (as they are huge mechanical machines themselves) preparing to duel. Sir Auron (red), Simzer (green), Cubist (yellow) and Mr Ripper (blue) were all preparing when a spike, with Mr Snuggly attached, fell to the ground.
Eh….where am I? (psswss…The fight?....God!) Let’s get started folks. You got 3 minutes to beat each other senseless. Last down wins….3….2….1…Ba..*slap!* I mean, GO!
(All 4 machines stepped into motion, then stopped, as all the lights in the arena, and indeed, the whole island, went off)
Ehh…
(They suddenly switched back on)
There we go! Fight!
Sir Auron started by booting Cubist straight to the floor, but he bounced right up, sjumped in the air, Matrix style, and gave Sir A some of his own medicine. Simzer however, was hiding in the corner, whispering reassuring things that the *leprechaun* was telling him. Obviously the Irish wee-man did nothing for him though, because his monster Doshin was whacked in the face by Mr Ripper, who had been pushed by Sir Auron’s fall. As Cubist continued his barrage of attacks, he was beginning to lose stamina, and Simzer took advantage, at first, just lightly punching him, but within a minute, Simzer was taking what seemed to be all the rage he’d ever had out on Cubist. With his huge attack and even huger beating, Cubist fell to the floor. 1 down, 2 to go for everyone. But with only a minute and a half, who is next?
Sir Auron stood up again and got ready to perform an attack, mustering all the energy his giant Doshin could find. Just as Simzer turned round, Sir Auron unleashed it. Unfortunately, Mr Ripper, never to miss out on the action, walked in front of Simzer, and he received the brunt of the attack, flying across the arena, and definitely out. Now there was only 30 seconds left, and Sir Auron was completely knackered, meaning Simzer could get in for a very easy kill, just a few kicks and a few more punches. He went down, and the bell rang, with Simzer being declared the winner.
(All 4 players were thrown into their cubes and brought back, completely shaken, but absolutely loving it)
Well, we must say well done to Simzer, getting 10 points. Sir Auron picks up 7 points, Mr Ripper 5 points and Cubist gets an unfortunate 3. But with that event over, it seems time to introduce Group C with Strafex, Cyclone, Tiltawhirl and Dead Wonder all vying for first play in our Mystical Magical Monkey Monstrosity of a…er…challenge … Anywho, the challenge is Monkey Rafting, and our resident monkey ref shall be Mr Snuggly (he’s in the pink raft by the way). It’s a 4 rafter trial, so no CP players. I believe you are all ready on the start line, so let’s find out about the course
(The course was scanned over with a panning camera. All the twists, turns, sandy shores, rocky cliffs, river animals and used syringes could be seen. Unfortunately, some were more obvious than others. Various producers could be heard shouting ‘Cut the pan!!’, but it was all shown anyway. The starting line had all 4 lined up, each eyeing up the competition. Snuggly, in his pink raft, was in most danger in this challenge, simply because he followed the same route as the other rafters)
Rafters, are you all ready to GO?
*all rafters shouted yes, some more reassuringly than others, though*
(3...2…1….GO! was shouted by Snuggly as the race began and he followed)
It seems already that..that Strafex is hitting Cyclone with his oars….yes, both of his ‘ores were being used as weapons. I bet he payed highly for that. But Tilta and DW are running away with this trial, rampaging down the river, that was, until Tilta hit a rock and went flying. Looks like he’s out the race, and it seems Snuggly is going to fast and…OUCH that GOTTA hurt as he basically flies off a horribly place stone. No ref then? DW is going strong, but Cyclone has caught up after escaping Strafex’s evil weapons. Bot are hurtling down this river. And we’ve just been told that Strafex has been disqualified from the race for…er…indecent conduct by the acting ref (Snuggly’s dog, Toto(ro). Ahem. Well now it seems it’s going to be between DW and Cyclone, and we’re not that far away from the finishing line. As DW uses the rocks to his advantage, Cyclone chooses the smooth path, with less risk but possibly less speed. As the underwater life is severly disturbed, we see both of the finalists emerging from their separate routes, meeting (and bumping) in the middle of the river. As they cross the finish line, slo-slo-slo-mo technology must be used to see who crossed first.
It seems that Cyclone crossed first, due to the fact it was just a clever hologram of himself DW devised to take part for him. But no Snuggly means no rules, so there will be no disqualification. The only problem we may have is making DW buy a games console and leave that darned PC. One day my friends. one day.
(All 4 contestants, and Snuggly, are transported back to the studio via the cubes)
Anyway, after that round, we have Cyclone with 10 points, DW with 7 points, Strafex with 5 points and Tiltawhirl with only 3 points. Not to worry, you still have one chance to try and get into the final section the the competition. That is, after the Group D trial, who are playing Perfeck’ Dark -1. Good luck folks!
(The 4 Perfeck’ gamers - Cookie Monster, Nintendoid, Indian-DudeY2K and Hybrid Valves, are already in the Perfeck’ Dark -1 lock down rooms. The stage is set…Nuclear Storage Depot 1.3.547, and the guns are loaded. Mr Snuggly, however, seems to be glowing green. Not so good, be he insists on starting the race)
3…..2…..1…..
(Snuggly falls to the ground, suffering from some radioactive diseasy thing. So Toto(ro), Snuggly’s dog, fills in)
Woof!
(Competition officials quickly check to see what that meant. Apparently it means Carrot in dog, which, in a peculiar yet still existent way, has a link with Go! And on that word..)
They’re off, ready to take each other down! C-M was slyly jumping round the corners. That just too much Lucozade I guess, but look at that! Indian Dude and Hybrid Valves have met up already. Hybrid isn’t hanging about, he’s gunning down Indian Dude, who has no armour, and DOWN HE GOES!! Indian Dude is out of the competition! But who will be next? Nintendoid seems to be prowling in a more defensive than offensive manner, as is C-M, but Hybird, full of confidence, is, is..SWAGGERING around the complex! Ouch! That gotta hurt! C-M just found Hybrid and … ohh …. let’s just say, hurt him where you don’t want to be hurt. And out he goes, one of the quickest eliminations yet. It seems that only Cookie Monster and Nintendoid are surviving, with C-M passing the nuclear waste vats and Nintendoid….Nintendoid seems to be shooting at the vats, and C-M is covered in toxic gunk. Oh gog! C-M is out and Nintendoid WINS!
(The 4 gamers are brought back in their cubes, ready to receive the scores)
Well Nintendoid, what a classy kill, and 10 well deserved points! Cookie Monster, nice job, and 7 points. Hybrid, fast first elim, so you get 5 points, and Indian Dude, what happened! Only 3 points!
So, after 4 rounds of real gaming action, we must whittle down are players to 8. And how shall we be doing this. With a wonderful, magical game of 16 player ChuChuRocket Revenge! Let’s play! First 4 out get 1 point, second 4 get 3 points, 3rd 4 get 5 points, 4th,3rd and 2nd get 7 points and 1st gets 10.
(All 16 players got ready in the cubes, and suddenly became mice. Snuggly became a KapuKapu. This should be interesting. No GO! was needed. Everyone skittled along for their life..)
Nintendoid, Dringo and Meka Dragon seem to be gone already, and have delved into the pits, as has RM18 and Strafex! They all get 1 point each, and Strafex gets 3! Snuggly is running along full pace, and has..has EATEN 5 people in 1 row! Hybrid, Cookie Monster and DW all get 3 points and Tiltawhirl and Cubist gets 5 points! The rockets aren’t full, but it seems Sir Auron has escaped, and therefore gets 10 points! Simzer has just fallen in the rocket hole for 5 points, and Kapu has taken down a further 2 folk, Cyclone, for 5 points, and BIGMAN, for 7 points! Mr Ripper and Indian Dude are running like never before, but…it’s Toto(ro) and he’s got Mr Ripper for 7 points, meaning Indian dude gets 7 too! What a match
(All 16 contestants return to the arena in the cubes, some tired, some depressed, some celebrating their continuation into the Semi-Finals)
Here’s the end of round scores – 11 points for RM18, 8 points for Dringo, 6 points for Meka, 10 points for BIGMAN, 15 points for Simzer, 17 points for Sir Auron, 13 points for Mr Ripper, 8 points for Cubist, 15 points for Cyclone, 10 points for DW, 8 points for Strafex, 8 points for Tiltawhirl, 11 points for Nintendoid, 10 points for C-M, 8 points for Hybrid Valves and 10 points for Indian Dude. Phew! So, who’s going through?
Simzer….Sir Auron….Cyclone…..Mr Ripper…..RM18……Nintendoid……and we have a mass draw between Indian Dude, BIGMAN, DW…so which 2 go through between them 3.
It’s the toss of a 3 sided coin…and it seems…………BIGMAN is going through, and….Indian Dude is through to!
Don’t worry though, all 8 not going through win £1000, and Indian Dude and DW win the elim bonus of £1000 each!
(The cubes took away the slightly miserable lot, whilst 8 cubes remained standing, with a large video wall crossing out the names of those who’d gone out)
We must immediately eliminate a further 4 from your ranks though, so get ready combatants, for…Super Duper Smash Bros. and Second Cousins Melee v.2.3!
*Tumbleweed blows by, silence comes across the studio, only a faint cough by an old man with severe arthritis*
I mean…Rollcage 3!
*audience yells and screams*
(All 8 contestants are taken, by cube, to the course, Metropolis Mound. With lots of twists and turns, and a bustling city, all hell will break loose. Or so the organisers of the event hope, as their sponsors won’t be happy…I mean…)
Get Ready! Set!!! GO!!!
(All 8 racers sped off the line)
Sir Auron seems to be disorientated and has flown right over the barrier into a pet store! The authorities will not be happy, and neither is Auron, he is automatically out of the games, and is now going back in his cube. Mr Ripper and Cyclone are barging into each other in the chase of Simzer in first place. But the barging seems to have been won by Cyclone, and Mr Ripper has smashed into the wall, and out of the race. RM18 has taken over even Simzer, and Simzer has been brutally frozen, taken out of the race. Only 1 more needs to go, and it seems like its gonna be….BIGMAN, with a colossal smash into the checkpoint barrier, with the help of a laser bolt from Nintendoid! And Indian Dude, who hung back, is through by a dodgy default! And so we have it, our 4 finalists! Back in the cubes they go!
(The 4 finalists are cubed back to their starting place)
Well, we’ve managed, it seems, to grind you folk down from the 16 you used to be to the 4 you are now
(4 more gamers are crossed off the video wall, and the cubed losers are seen chucked on the streets with a wad of cash and their Public Liabilty E4578 forms. Simzer cries)
Cyclone…..RM18……Nintendoid…..Indian DudeY2K….you are our 4 final gamers. You have managed to successfully gain enough points, and strategise, to get you here, and are now all magnificent in your own right, But only 1 of you can be the best. And we’ll soon find out which one, as we head into the final trials. These 3 challenges will test you to the limits. Enough chat, let’s play…
(All 4 cubed gamers get ready for the first trial)
This trial will test your gaming skills, not in one particular game, but in the way you co-ordinate and control yourself. In front of you is a screen and a panel with 6 buttons, A, B, C, D, Start and Select. When a combination shows on the screen, type it in as fast as you can. Beat the others to win. 5 combinations, 1 credit each to the fastest folk. Good luck!
(All the competitors got ready, whilst Snuggly said the important words)
Combination 1 : UP!!!
(All 4 bashed the buttons, as the combination involved only 2 buttons repeatedly)
STOP! The fastest was RM18 – 1 credit. Combination 2 : UP!!!
(This time the combination used every button, in a repeated combination. But the buttons moved around mid combination)
That’s it! The fastest was Cyclone, getting 1 credit. Combination 3 is …. UP!
(Harshly, the buttons flashed, and had to be pressed, whilst the buttons turned and switched around. RM18 struggled with this one)
Time up, and Cyclone once again got top – 1 credit! 4th combination - - UP!
(Indian Dude seemed to have snagged this one, as this was his best type of combination. 1 button had to be hit several times, but must not be hit at other times, FF8-summon-boost style)
Indian DudeY2K has got it – 1 credit to you! And the final combination is up…now!
(Nothing came up on the screens, the competitors puzzled, looking at the audience, except one. Then 1 button came up, and Nintendoid hit it immediately)
Nintendoid gets the credit! That’s the end of trial 1! See you later!
(Snuggly whizzed off the stage, laughing like a maniac, for a currently undetermined reason)
Trial 1 is over, and Cyclone is leading, with 2 credits! But all can change in the next challenge, where all the contestants will be let out of their cubes, and onto a monster board game. Who can move 30 steps to the goal before the others? Let’s find out!!
(The cubes are dropped in four places, all diagonals, leading to a centre point goal, and opened on Snugger’s shout)
Err…OPEN!
(The cubes open)
Heh, cool! Let’s see…..SUFFOCATE
(Nothing happens)
Aww. Still, better start the game. 3…2…1….GO!
(A monstrosity of a dice falls from the sky. RM18 rolls, and gets a 6)
Safe square for RM18. And Cyclone has rolled a 4, landing on a Bomb, which has propelled him to square…2….Nintendoid has rolled a 3 onto a Bomb Enemy, and has bombed Cyclone back to 0. Indian Dude rolls a 1, and moves onto a warp square, to square 10! RM18 rolls a 5 and hits the warp all, so everyone is now level pegging on square 20. Cyclone rolls a 6, for another warp, taking him to square 29. Nintendoid gets a 5, landing him on a double score, getting him a 10, leading him to the…GOAL!
Nintendoid has won – 2 credits for you, 1 for everyone else!
(The short-lived and unskilled event over, the final true challenge awaits the combatants)
The current scores – with 3 credits each, Nintendoid and Cyclone. With 2 each, IndianDudeY2K and RM18. The final event will decide the winner (and their prize) so who will it be?
The final event, a gaming challenge, and a fairly tough one at that, is Black and White 3 : Chimpy’s Return. You must choose your creature, and find out who you..I mean, beat the holy hell out of each other. Simple as it may seem, it’s a 4-creature brawl, and your creatures’ creature can help out to. Only 1 life, 1 credit for 1st out, 2 for 2nd and so on. Let’s play!
(The cubed players are horribly transformed into their creature. And Toto(ro) is divided into 4, and mutilated to act as the creatures’ creature. The 4 (or 5, or even 8) are taken to the B&W island (home to Doshin and various other tribes who claim not to live to Earth) and are given team tactics by Jashin, Snuggly appeared)
Get Ready to fight to the end! THREE!...TWO!.....ONE!.............
*the audience back in the studio were drooling in anticipation*
GOOOOOO!
(All hell breaks loose)
RM18 and his little pal start to take out intense anger on IndianDudeY2K, as does Cyclone, whilst Nintendoid and his little friend stand in the background. IndianDudeY2K seems to be taking quite a beating, but RM18 has noticed Nintendoid, and owww….that must of hurt, as RM’s little creature got Nintendoid where it hurts. It seems he has fallen, and has 10 seconds to get back up. How cute, his creature is trying to do emergency resus, but it’s all in vain, as Nintendoid is out, 4th in the championship!
But 3 remain, and Cyclone and RM18 have resorted back to almost teaming up and beating Indian Dude. Wait, ID’s creature has got Cyclone, and ID seems to be able to fight back to RM18 alone. RM18 and ID are really scrapping it out, whilst Cyclone is battling the creature with himself and his own creature, and ID’s creature seems to be out! Cyclone is back to taking down Indian Dude, and he’s DOWN! 10 counts, 9 counts *fast forward* 1 count….OUT! And take your little part of dog with you. Snuggly’s beginning to wonder where it’s gone.
Only RM18 and Cyclone remain. And it seems they are trying not to fight, but to agree on 1st place split between themselves, as RM18 holds out hand! Cyclone is going to shake bac…..oh no! Cyclone has twisted RM18’s arm and RM18 has fallen to the ground in pain. The countdown begins…
10 – The audience is quiet
9 – The winds on the island blows by, Cyclone smiling
8 – RM18 writhes in pain…
7 – The creature sobs
6 – The other smugly smiles like its master
5 – Jashin laugh’s at the destruction
4 – Doshin cries at the lack of trust ‘these days’
3 – The island inhabitants realise their hiding place may be discovered
2 – Frogs are cloned
1 – RM18 seems unconscious
0 – HE IS OUT! And CYCLONE is the GREATEST GAMER WINNER!
Well done Cyclone…not only must a gamer have quick fingers, skill and luck, and ability to fight, he must be able to lie…why does he not have the new shoes but a GC game? Why has his PC got a virus? Was it the virus software down, or was it the cheap game for Ingilston market… it’s a key attribute, or so we can say until the courts decided tomorrow, but that’s not the point, you WON! And RM18, you came second! Well done, both of you!
(All 4 are transported back to the studio, except Nintendoid, who isn’t a top ranker, and is given the wad of cash and the normal forms)
IndianDudeY2K – You came 3rd, and gain a magnificent unspecified amount of cash and a bronze (plated) trophy!
*cheers and shouts from the audience*
RM18, You came an unfortunate 2nd, and gain a superb yet still unspecified amount of cash and another cheap silver trophy. Congratualtions!
*louder and longer cheers*
And Cyclone, you little cheat, you get 1st! You get the biggest (yet still unspecified) amount of cash plus a slightly more real 1.53 carat gold trophy encrusted with…eh…mould. Well done there!
*huge cheers, a few jeers, and screams from a select few fans*
Now get out, the lot of you. And your little dog too!
Well, that’s the end of the Cube games, and I hope you sincerely enjoyed it. The violence, the tense atmosphere, the really dumb yet highly original mode of transportation, and the sly contestants. Wecan’t wait til next years games, but until then, don’t just play games…
Be games! Good night!!!
*cue cheesy ending music*
----
Thanks for reading
© Paul Holmes 2002
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Maverick42 wrote:
> Cubist? Nintendoid? I'm on here more than them! I will say good day to
> you sir!
what was it a fan boy story then? where they i the gay scene?
> Cubist? Nintendoid? I'm on here more than them! I will say good day to
> you sir!
what was it a fan boy story then? where they i the gay scene?
Cubist? Nintendoid? I'm on here more than them! I will say good day to you sir!
I hate that damn lephrichorn, it allways gets in the way.
auf deutsch wrote:
> It would be good, If I was in it :O
I 2nd that...this thread sucks. :D
> It would be good, If I was in it :O
I 2nd that...this thread sucks. :D
and the point of this post was? answers on a postcard
It would be good, If I was in it :O
Fuzzy wrote:
> Group A is Meka Dragon, BIMAN, RM18 and Dringo
BIMAN! LMAO!
Anyways, nice one Fuzzy, length can be a good thing, and in this case, it was!
:D
> Group A is Meka Dragon, BIMAN, RM18 and Dringo
BIMAN! LMAO!
Anyways, nice one Fuzzy, length can be a good thing, and in this case, it was!
:D
Hehe. I rule.
Heeeyyyy! How come I wasn't included?
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