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I work in an office. It is dull. However every week there is something I “look forward” to. The weekly newsletter. It is a wonderful piece of prose and the highlight of each edition is the insight into the working and social life of an employee. You couldn’t make up the stuff they write about (except I have but it remains a perfectly valid point) and it is, I think, prudent to share with you a couple of their examples:
Name: Ms Nomer
Occupation: Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant
Responsibilities: My job is extremely exiting, varied and pressurised. One minute I am counting out paper clips for distribution to different sections within the office, the next, I’m using a computer to write my daily report about how many paper-clips I sent to each section.
Training: An intensive fifteen week course on Word for cretins and the completely unable, which has provided me with the ability to use a keyboard to make words appear on a screen. I am due to attend another course soon, which will teach me how to save my work and perhaps, if I get that far, print it out. Currently I have to copy my reports off the screen and transcribe them into a notebook, before I type them up on a typewriter.
Most embarrassing moment: I am still getting stick for this one! Once I miscalculated the amount of paper clips the personnel section required and they had to spend the entire day using staplers. It was the funniest thing ever.
Worst moment: Being demoted to Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant for miscalculation of paper clips to the personnel section.
Hobbies: I particularly enjoy photographing lamppost serial numbers and I spend many hours cataloguing them and transferring them onto slides. I also enjoy using my binoculars to make distant objects appear closer.
Name: Mr Cook-Sooker
Occupation: Team leader and morale officer
Responsibilities: Ensuring that my team works efficiently and is happy within the workplace. My contract stipulates that I am required to make at least seven weak puns a day and be over familiar with one of the team in the most inopportune of moments, on a weekly basis. I am acutely aware of the need to keep the level of respect my team has for me constantly high, a bit like the bloke on the TV that Ricky Gervais plays, in that programme about something or other. The title eludes me at the moment. They all clearly love him, in the same manner my team love me, so I think he is a lot like me in that respect. He’s not very perceptive though.
Training: Mainly watching docu-soaps. I got the line “there is a lot if love in this room” from Darius of Popstars. I use this in front of my team on almost a daily basis (many often cover their faces with their hands, to mask the emotions they must undoubtedly be experiencing, when I say this). Also like Paul from Big Brother, I do live my life like “ a rock and roll star” and I remind my team (and myself) of this, when we all need reassurance about how great I am. This is good for morale.
Most embarrassing moment: Someone once tried to tell me a joke but I knew they wouldn’t be as funny as I am. Thus I had to blatantly ignore them by putting my fingers in my ears and singing loudly; everyone in the canteen was shocked. The company director must have felt like a right idiot. I was so embarrassed for him.
Worst moment: I was telling my team a joke and forgot the punchline, it was at the end of a long and very tiring day. So I had to keep them in after work for four hours as I tried to remember it. The worst part had to be firmly reprimanding anyone who tried to shout it out. Like I have said; I’m the only one funny enough to tell jokes and just shouting out the punchline to a joke isn’t funny, is it? In the end everyone was shouting out and I had to sack the lot of them. It was a shame because the next day I had remembered it: “You’re not making a canoe out of me!” Classic.
Hobbies: Writing witticisms for Readers Digest and trying to wind people up on Website forums by deliberately disagreeing with anything they write. I also collect carpet slippers (I currently have twelve pairs, from three different countries) and like to watch sub-titled documentaries about Scandinavian Canal based holidays.
Name: Ms Nomer
Occupation: Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant
Responsibilities: My job is extremely exiting, varied and pressurised. One minute I am counting out paper clips for distribution to different sections within the office, the next, I’m using a computer to write my daily report about how many paper-clips I sent to each section.
Training: An intensive fifteen week course on Word for cretins and the completely unable, which has provided me with the ability to use a keyboard to make words appear on a screen. I am due to attend another course soon, which will teach me how to save my work and perhaps, if I get that far, print it out. Currently I have to copy my reports off the screen and transcribe them into a notebook, before I type them up on a typewriter.
Most embarrassing moment: I am still getting stick for this one! Once I miscalculated the amount of paper clips the personnel section required and they had to spend the entire day using staplers. It was the funniest thing ever.
Worst moment: Being demoted to Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant for miscalculation of paper clips to the personnel section.
Hobbies: I particularly enjoy photographing lamppost serial numbers and I spend many hours cataloguing them and transferring them onto slides. I also enjoy using my binoculars to make distant objects appear closer.
Name: Mr Cook-Sooker
Occupation: Team leader and morale officer
Responsibilities: Ensuring that my team works efficiently and is happy within the workplace. My contract stipulates that I am required to make at least seven weak puns a day and be over familiar with one of the team in the most inopportune of moments, on a weekly basis. I am acutely aware of the need to keep the level of respect my team has for me constantly high, a bit like the bloke on the TV that Ricky Gervais plays, in that programme about something or other. The title eludes me at the moment. They all clearly love him, in the same manner my team love me, so I think he is a lot like me in that respect. He’s not very perceptive though.
Training: Mainly watching docu-soaps. I got the line “there is a lot if love in this room” from Darius of Popstars. I use this in front of my team on almost a daily basis (many often cover their faces with their hands, to mask the emotions they must undoubtedly be experiencing, when I say this). Also like Paul from Big Brother, I do live my life like “ a rock and roll star” and I remind my team (and myself) of this, when we all need reassurance about how great I am. This is good for morale.
Most embarrassing moment: Someone once tried to tell me a joke but I knew they wouldn’t be as funny as I am. Thus I had to blatantly ignore them by putting my fingers in my ears and singing loudly; everyone in the canteen was shocked. The company director must have felt like a right idiot. I was so embarrassed for him.
Worst moment: I was telling my team a joke and forgot the punchline, it was at the end of a long and very tiring day. So I had to keep them in after work for four hours as I tried to remember it. The worst part had to be firmly reprimanding anyone who tried to shout it out. Like I have said; I’m the only one funny enough to tell jokes and just shouting out the punchline to a joke isn’t funny, is it? In the end everyone was shouting out and I had to sack the lot of them. It was a shame because the next day I had remembered it: “You’re not making a canoe out of me!” Classic.
Hobbies: Writing witticisms for Readers Digest and trying to wind people up on Website forums by deliberately disagreeing with anything they write. I also collect carpet slippers (I currently have twelve pairs, from three different countries) and like to watch sub-titled documentaries about Scandinavian Canal based holidays.
Beefcake wrote:
> Hobbies: I particularly enjoy photographing lamppost serial numbers
> and I spend many hours cataloguing them and transferring them onto
> slides. I also enjoy using my binoculars to make distant objects
> appear closer.
me too, I've photographed all the ones on my street. One day I hope to move up to motorways. i like motorways
> Hobbies: I particularly enjoy photographing lamppost serial numbers
> and I spend many hours cataloguing them and transferring them onto
> slides. I also enjoy using my binoculars to make distant objects
> appear closer.
me too, I've photographed all the ones on my street. One day I hope to move up to motorways. i like motorways
I work in an office. It is dull. However every week there is something I “look forward” to. The weekly newsletter. It is a wonderful piece of prose and the highlight of each edition is the insight into the working and social life of an employee. You couldn’t make up the stuff they write about (except I have but it remains a perfectly valid point) and it is, I think, prudent to share with you a couple of their examples:
Name: Ms Nomer
Occupation: Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant
Responsibilities: My job is extremely exiting, varied and pressurised. One minute I am counting out paper clips for distribution to different sections within the office, the next, I’m using a computer to write my daily report about how many paper-clips I sent to each section.
Training: An intensive fifteen week course on Word for cretins and the completely unable, which has provided me with the ability to use a keyboard to make words appear on a screen. I am due to attend another course soon, which will teach me how to save my work and perhaps, if I get that far, print it out. Currently I have to copy my reports off the screen and transcribe them into a notebook, before I type them up on a typewriter.
Most embarrassing moment: I am still getting stick for this one! Once I miscalculated the amount of paper clips the personnel section required and they had to spend the entire day using staplers. It was the funniest thing ever.
Worst moment: Being demoted to Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant for miscalculation of paper clips to the personnel section.
Hobbies: I particularly enjoy photographing lamppost serial numbers and I spend many hours cataloguing them and transferring them onto slides. I also enjoy using my binoculars to make distant objects appear closer.
Name: Mr Cook-Sooker
Occupation: Team leader and morale officer
Responsibilities: Ensuring that my team works efficiently and is happy within the workplace. My contract stipulates that I am required to make at least seven weak puns a day and be over familiar with one of the team in the most inopportune of moments, on a weekly basis. I am acutely aware of the need to keep the level of respect my team has for me constantly high, a bit like the bloke on the TV that Ricky Gervais plays, in that programme about something or other. The title eludes me at the moment. They all clearly love him, in the same manner my team love me, so I think he is a lot like me in that respect. He’s not very perceptive though.
Training: Mainly watching docu-soaps. I got the line “there is a lot if love in this room” from Darius of Popstars. I use this in front of my team on almost a daily basis (many often cover their faces with their hands, to mask the emotions they must undoubtedly be experiencing, when I say this). Also like Paul from Big Brother, I do live my life like “ a rock and roll star” and I remind my team (and myself) of this, when we all need reassurance about how great I am. This is good for morale.
Most embarrassing moment: Someone once tried to tell me a joke but I knew they wouldn’t be as funny as I am. Thus I had to blatantly ignore them by putting my fingers in my ears and singing loudly; everyone in the canteen was shocked. The company director must have felt like a right idiot. I was so embarrassed for him.
Worst moment: I was telling my team a joke and forgot the punchline, it was at the end of a long and very tiring day. So I had to keep them in after work for four hours as I tried to remember it. The worst part had to be firmly reprimanding anyone who tried to shout it out. Like I have said; I’m the only one funny enough to tell jokes and just shouting out the punchline to a joke isn’t funny, is it? In the end everyone was shouting out and I had to sack the lot of them. It was a shame because the next day I had remembered it: “You’re not making a canoe out of me!” Classic.
Hobbies: Writing witticisms for Readers Digest and trying to wind people up on Website forums by deliberately disagreeing with anything they write. I also collect carpet slippers (I currently have twelve pairs, from three different countries) and like to watch sub-titled documentaries about Scandinavian Canal based holidays.
Name: Ms Nomer
Occupation: Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant
Responsibilities: My job is extremely exiting, varied and pressurised. One minute I am counting out paper clips for distribution to different sections within the office, the next, I’m using a computer to write my daily report about how many paper-clips I sent to each section.
Training: An intensive fifteen week course on Word for cretins and the completely unable, which has provided me with the ability to use a keyboard to make words appear on a screen. I am due to attend another course soon, which will teach me how to save my work and perhaps, if I get that far, print it out. Currently I have to copy my reports off the screen and transcribe them into a notebook, before I type them up on a typewriter.
Most embarrassing moment: I am still getting stick for this one! Once I miscalculated the amount of paper clips the personnel section required and they had to spend the entire day using staplers. It was the funniest thing ever.
Worst moment: Being demoted to Administrative Officer Executive Facilitator’s Assistant for miscalculation of paper clips to the personnel section.
Hobbies: I particularly enjoy photographing lamppost serial numbers and I spend many hours cataloguing them and transferring them onto slides. I also enjoy using my binoculars to make distant objects appear closer.
Name: Mr Cook-Sooker
Occupation: Team leader and morale officer
Responsibilities: Ensuring that my team works efficiently and is happy within the workplace. My contract stipulates that I am required to make at least seven weak puns a day and be over familiar with one of the team in the most inopportune of moments, on a weekly basis. I am acutely aware of the need to keep the level of respect my team has for me constantly high, a bit like the bloke on the TV that Ricky Gervais plays, in that programme about something or other. The title eludes me at the moment. They all clearly love him, in the same manner my team love me, so I think he is a lot like me in that respect. He’s not very perceptive though.
Training: Mainly watching docu-soaps. I got the line “there is a lot if love in this room” from Darius of Popstars. I use this in front of my team on almost a daily basis (many often cover their faces with their hands, to mask the emotions they must undoubtedly be experiencing, when I say this). Also like Paul from Big Brother, I do live my life like “ a rock and roll star” and I remind my team (and myself) of this, when we all need reassurance about how great I am. This is good for morale.
Most embarrassing moment: Someone once tried to tell me a joke but I knew they wouldn’t be as funny as I am. Thus I had to blatantly ignore them by putting my fingers in my ears and singing loudly; everyone in the canteen was shocked. The company director must have felt like a right idiot. I was so embarrassed for him.
Worst moment: I was telling my team a joke and forgot the punchline, it was at the end of a long and very tiring day. So I had to keep them in after work for four hours as I tried to remember it. The worst part had to be firmly reprimanding anyone who tried to shout it out. Like I have said; I’m the only one funny enough to tell jokes and just shouting out the punchline to a joke isn’t funny, is it? In the end everyone was shouting out and I had to sack the lot of them. It was a shame because the next day I had remembered it: “You’re not making a canoe out of me!” Classic.
Hobbies: Writing witticisms for Readers Digest and trying to wind people up on Website forums by deliberately disagreeing with anything they write. I also collect carpet slippers (I currently have twelve pairs, from three different countries) and like to watch sub-titled documentaries about Scandinavian Canal based holidays.