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"How To Be A Console Zealot"

Zealotry, you might think, is a simple affair. It’s not. Zealotry is complex and takes a lot of time to master. Don’t think this guide is everything about console zealotry, it’s merely a quick bullet point tutorial on the basics, for more advanced tutorials check out our affiliates:

AWholeLottaZealots.coy - A huge database of Zealot mannerisms, vocabulary and etiquette for you to learn. You can even add your own!

XJocks.net - The Internet’s largest guide to X-Box Zealotry including input from Bill “I Have A Bowl-Cut!” Gates himself!

Nintyr00lz-k?.coy (Case and number sensitive) - Designed, written and maintained by a bunch of bemittened 7 year olds high on a heady cocktail of cute 3D graphics and bright colours, Nintyr00lz-k? is THE repository for Nintendo Zealots including an incredible guide on how to type while pointing at colour-filled worlds and dribbling.

MumI’mASonyphile.co.uk - This site gives help on how to come out to your friends and family about being a Sonyphile. It also has a section devoted to Sonyphile zealotry and a shop where you can purchase merchandise emblazoned with the Sonyphile slogan “Can I plug my controller into your socket?”

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Now begins our whistle-stop tour around the bullet point tutorial. Let’s start with Sony.

Sony Zealotry (Dedicated to Techno Freak)

• Whenever any put’s down the PS2, quickly compare the amount of PS2 sales to the sales of the offender’s chosen console. These figures can be found at any good Sonyphile site.

• When people talk about “it” assume they’re referring to GTA3 rather than sex.

• When being verbally attacked by a Ninty immediately dismiss any points they make, valid or not, with the comment “Kiddy-console”.

• Point out continually that the Xbox is just an expensive doorstop.

• Point out continually that the GameCube has non-sharp edges so the dribbling little kids can’t hurt themselves on it.

• Whenever you see a box, immediately turn it over, get underneath it and start crawling around.

• If a debate about controllers is started list all the features of the DualShock and vehemently deny that most of it is stolen from other pads.

• Repeatedly list the “mature” titles that the PS2 has.

• If all else fails in an argument simply say “Grand Theft Auto III” and walk off smiling smugly.

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Now, if you can tear yourself away from making women characters jump in DOA3, we’ll move onto How To Be An X-Jock. (Dedicated to the bunch of teenage boys high on testosterone)

• If you’re fighting a losing battle with a Sonyphile or Ninty simply lift your Xbox into the air (you may need to enlist the help of a forklift) and drop it onto the head/s of the opposition zealot/s.

• Reel off the names of the awards that Halo has won in the past year in any argument you get into.

• If anyone says ANYTHING derogatory about the Xbox reply with the word, “Halo”.

• Repeatedly state that Halo is the best game ever.

• Sleep with your copy of Halo held in your hands.

• If you’re getting bored of saying “Halo” over and over again, move onto the fact that the Xbox has a hard drive. If someone mentions that this means long loading times and that it can crash remind them of the amount of memory that it has... and Halo.

• When provoked and you’ve used up all your “Halo” fodder quickly state the Xbox’s specs and gloat about the polygon count.

• Halo.

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And finally How To Be A Ninty. (Dedicated to 8 year olds around the world)

• After every sentence, say “Nintedno r00lz, go Nintedno, w00t!”

• Worship Shigeru Miyamoto as your God. If anyone blasphemes your God, try to set your Pikmin on them.

• Eat magic mushrooms

• Start speaking in a fake Italian accent and add “a” at the end of every word. (IE. “I don’t know” becomes:”"I’a Don’ta Knowa”)

• When competing in long-jump as soon as you leave the ground yell “WAHOO!”
When competing in high-jump shout “YEHAAA!”
When competing in triple-jump shout “OOO!” on the hop, “YAH!” on the skip and “YEEEEHHHHHAAAAAAAA!” on the jump.

• If anyone calls your console a kiddy console (and they will) reel off a list of “mature” titles coming out on it. This should include: Resident Evil series, Eternal Darkness, BloodRayne, Die Hard: Vendetta, Gladius, Medal Of Honour, Mortal Kombat, Turok Evolution etc etc...

• Refuse to type without your mittens on.

• Say “I prefer happy graphics anyway” periodically.

• Deny anything anyone says about Rare and repeat “Nintendo own 49% of them anyway”. Try to hide your worried expression when you say this.

and finally...

• Reply to any agressor by saying “Nintendo are moving away from their kiddy image, anyway the PS2 is just for casual gamers and Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ” continue your tirade by repeating that Bill Gates has a bowl-cut and insult both consoles in a childish manner.

Thanks for reading,
n1ntee r00lz w00t!
:-D

allardini wrote:
> Go Rasta... It's your birthday....

Well.. quite... *calls the men in white coats*

Whitestripes wrote:
> Would someone like to tell me whats so great about having a USB port?

Not much at present... lets you use PC control peripherals if they're compatible, and allows you to play games like THPS3 online if you use a USB modem, the demo disk contains flashy footage of video cameras and stuff being plugged into them though - so they're obviously planning to use them at some stage. Just a case of when.

Go Rasta... It's your birthday....

Doubt it.

gerrid wrote:
> You can plug your digital camera into the USb port on the front of the
> PS2, and watch it do nothing whatsoever. W00t.

Dunno.

I think the Xbox uses USB for its controller ports (but a different shaped connecter) The GC most likely does aswell.

Oh yes - very good post RB. I like the Nintendo address :-D

Whitestripes wrote:
> Would someone like to tell me whats so great about having a USB port?

You don't need to buy a new keyboard/mouse for online gaming.

It's not really that special, just a port for stuff like lightguns...at the moment, anyway. Maybe Sony will surprise us all and actually use it for something online related.

You can plug your digital camera into the USb port on the front of the PS2, and watch it do nothing whatsoever. W00t.
Oh, RBS, you forgot how much Sonyphiles love to say how many thing s they can plug into their beloved PS2, and watch THEM do absolutley nothing as well.

Would someone like to tell me whats so great about having a USB port?

Strafex wrote:
> Very well done.
>
> It seems that some are learning from it already.
> EXACTLY what you meant to happen! :-D

Of course. :-D