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Christopher McDonalds – hello I’m Christopher McDonalds coming to you live this evening from itv broadcasting studio (not the one which looks like a giant doughnut that the other channel) presenting today’s news night.
*he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – thieves escaped with over £600,000 last night from a bank in Ireland. Police are still trying to find the motive fro the crime. And now tonight’s main story. In a heavily controversial, yet groundbreaking court ruling today Father Christmas has been sentenced to life imprisonment. Here’s Gabby outside the courthouse with more
------------------
*Gabby tries to pull her mini skirt down but everyone can still see the thong she’s wearing. She realise that the cameras rolling and begins to speak*
Gabby – thanks Chris. I’m standing here outside the old bailey courthouse in Bristol where today father Christmas, or Santa claws as he is known by his homies has been sentenced to life in prison. He was charged with 104 cases of grand larceny, 16 cases of drinking and driving (a sledge), 8 cases of indecent behaviour, 2 cases of urinating in public, 9.6 billion cases of braking and entering, 3 cases of Guinness; The list does literally go on forever.
If we can remember way back the trial had started in May but Mr Christmas burst out of the witness box in a drunken rage and began verbally assaulting a painting of king Henry the 3rd that was hung on the wall before being detained by members of the jury. Because of his state the trail was postponed to 3 days ago and he was held behind bars with no bail until then.
*a clip rolls of Santa claws in handcuffs being dragged into the courtroom with a blanket over his head*
Gabby – he was first questioned by the police about stalking a couple of years ago after someone misinterpreted the song about him that states, “he sees when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” He was let off the hook and sent home. Then in 1998 he was spotted on several occasions flying across the sky in an outlandish style wobbling side to side. He was eventually pulled over by a B52 bomber and breathalysed. Worst fears were confirmed as the devise showed that he was 4 points over the limit. But before police could tell him this he hopped back into his sledge and sped away into the night.
That was all anyone heard from him until Christmas eve 2000 when a member of the public Mr hybrid found Santa going through his collection of stockings. Using self defence techniques and a ceramic plant pot Mr hybrid managed to overpower Santa knocking him out cold.
We have an exclusive interview with Mr hybrid now
Hybrid – hay there
Gabby – hello Mr Hybrid, may I ask you a few questions?
Hybrid – I can see you knickers he he. Now that’s what I call a news flash
Gabby – pardon?!
Hybrid – sorry, I mean, um, yeah sure
Gabby – how did you feel about him routing through your stocking collection?
Hybrid – I didn’t feel him, who told you that. I bet it was Snuggly. Hay don’t listen to him, he lies all the time. And even if it was true its nothing to be ashamed of, right? Right!
Gabby – huh?
Hybrid – I mean come off it, everyone has fantasies don’t they?! A mans aloud to dream, isn’t he? ISN’T HE?!!
Gabby - Mr Hybrid you’re scaring me
Hybrid – WELL DAMN RIGHT I AM! YOU’RE NOT TAKING MY DREAMS!
I HIT HIM WITH THAT POT AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!
Muh hu haha ha ha!!!
*men in white coats run onto the scene and one gives Hybrid an injection which makes him fall asleep*
Doctor – how did you get out?
*they begin to drag Hybrid off*
Doctor 2 – come on, back to the asylum
Gabby – um, er… *she puts her finger on her ear piece* ok, ok
Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen. Now where was I, oh yes. Mr Hybrid called the a doctor from his padded cell who informed the police, but when the men of the thin blue line got there Mr Claws had escaped leaving a sack full of pant hoes and wallet behind. The wallet was full of fake ids and soon police were putting up posters around the country telling people to stay well away from someone called: Santa claws, Father Christmas, St Nick, Linda Smith.
*Shot of one of the posters. It reads: if you see this man stay away. He is around 5 foot 4, is very fat, likes to wear red and is loves stockings. If it’s any help we don’t think he’s American. If you spot him phone 999*
Gabby - Then around April a moose like animal with antlers called Blitzen who had once works with Santa came forward and told the law were he was staying. Using the address given to them they, on Christmas day they raided his arctic workshop to find $500,000 of stolen toys and Mrs claws chained to a radiator but no Santa.
In a statement Mrs Christmas said “he would leave around 5am in the morning of December the 24th every year with a empty sack and come back with it full of children’s toys. Then using contacts he would sell the toys on the black market to feed his addiction. With just one sack last year he managed to buy 34,000 pairs of stocking with them”
Gabby - Santa seemed to foil the police at every turn until he was captured one night in an Ann summers party. They were notified after a large fat man claimed he was called Linda and wanted to buy 87 pairs of black stockings. He was taken to court the very next week.
And in other news relating to this story, 1 of Father Christmas’s reindeer have been arrested for the illegal usage and smuggling of cocaine. They were arrested just a few days ago as police officers noticed that one of the reindeers had turned up to court to give evidence with a bright red nose boasting that he could get higher than any of the others at christmas.
This is Gabby the reporter with a very short skirt signing off, back to you Chris in the studio
-----------------------
Christopher McDonalds – thanks Gabby.
**he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – a man we all fond of, a bringer of hope, a symbol of love. But not anymore. He betrayed the nation’s trust by braking into our homes and stealing the very toys he should have been giving. And for what? A quick high from buying a pair of lady’s lingerie.
But how does a man like that tick? What does he think about? How can we stop this from happening again? Why do I keep on asking question after question when you don’t know the answer?
Well here to explain all is Blitzen. A retired reindeer who worked with Santa for over 250 years.
*a spotlight shines onto a chair turned away from the camera. It swivels around slowly to reveal Hybrid*
Hybrid – hi mum *waves to the camera*
Christopher McDonalds – you’re not a reindeer
Hybrid – yes I am
Christopher McDonalds – no your not!
Hybrid – who says so
Christopher McDonalds – I do
Hybrid - why can’t I be?
Christopher McDonalds – because you’re a human
Hybrid - no I’m not, I’m a rabbit you fool!
*a doctor runs onto the stage*
Doctor – time for a boaster
*he injects hybrid and he falls asleep*
Doctor – I should really put a lock on your flap
*the doctor drags him off and Blitzen walks in and sits in the chair*
Blitzen (in a northern accent as) – sorry I’m late, I had a little transvestite problem with my car
Christopher McDonalds – don’t you mean transition problem?
Blitzen – no transvestite. When ever I go to start it up it keeps on changing into the wrong gear.
Christopher McDonalds - that’s quite all right. Now Mr Blitzen how did you get involved with a man like St Nick?
Blitzen – well I was skint and then I saw an add in the paper for flying reindeer so me and some of the lads went down to check it out
Christopher McDonalds – can you describe what would happen at Christmas
Blitzen – yeah, you see Jesus was born and then there was this star that…
Christopher McDonalds – no I mean what did Santa do
Blitzen – well at first he was kind. He would make presents all year and deliver them to all the little children. But something about hitting his head on the massive stockings on the fire place when he came down the chimney at every home for a few hundred years did something to him. Then on year he just snapped.
Christopher McDonalds – snapped?
Blitzen – yeah like a twig. He just went crazy half way through the trip and started stealing the stockings off the fireplaces. He mumbled something about if he owned all the stockings in the world he wouldn’t hit his head. But the next year everyone just put out new stockings so he decided to take the toys the parents brough for the children as revenge and he’s been taking toys and stockings ever since.
Christopher McDonalds – how sad, a man driven insane by the beatings he got from long see-though women socks
Blitzen – I don’t think all that sherry he loaded up on helped either
Christopher McDonalds – so he just flipped like that huh?
Blitzen – I’m afraid so. But he was still a little nuts when i first meet him though. Thousands of years ago he started up this really bonkers religion to make money and when he couldn’t handle the stress of the followers problems he put the blame on some other guy by saying the other guy was the chosen one. That’s why he calls himself Santa now instead of ‘Father’ Christmas
Christopher McDonalds – what was the religion called?
Blitzen - Christianity
Christopher McDonalds – opps *nervous laugh*… well um move swiftly on. So all the goodness just disappeared out of him you say?
Blitzen – yeah. The only thing Merry about the trip was the name of the girl he went of with for 10 minutes every year when we visited New York
Christopher McDonalds – Mr Blitzen, thank you for coming
Blitzen – it’s my pleasure
Christopher McDonalds – so there you have it. A man driven crazy by his love for children and his hatred for their mother’s stockings.
After the brake we’ll be talking about bill Gate’s new book called ‘me and my Microsoft’ and talking about why on a film set a member of staff walks round smacking the cast on the head with a stick ( ‘editors these days), plus...
*An arrow with its tip on fire whizzes past Christopher McDonald’s head and wedges itself into the wall*
Blitzen – wow, that sure was an arrow escape *dum dum tish*
Christopher McDonalds - ... I’ll be hiding from the crusaders, bye til then...
----------------
Hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn’t feel free to hurl abused at me
Thanks for reading, it shows you care
Linx
*he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – thieves escaped with over £600,000 last night from a bank in Ireland. Police are still trying to find the motive fro the crime. And now tonight’s main story. In a heavily controversial, yet groundbreaking court ruling today Father Christmas has been sentenced to life imprisonment. Here’s Gabby outside the courthouse with more
------------------
*Gabby tries to pull her mini skirt down but everyone can still see the thong she’s wearing. She realise that the cameras rolling and begins to speak*
Gabby – thanks Chris. I’m standing here outside the old bailey courthouse in Bristol where today father Christmas, or Santa claws as he is known by his homies has been sentenced to life in prison. He was charged with 104 cases of grand larceny, 16 cases of drinking and driving (a sledge), 8 cases of indecent behaviour, 2 cases of urinating in public, 9.6 billion cases of braking and entering, 3 cases of Guinness; The list does literally go on forever.
If we can remember way back the trial had started in May but Mr Christmas burst out of the witness box in a drunken rage and began verbally assaulting a painting of king Henry the 3rd that was hung on the wall before being detained by members of the jury. Because of his state the trail was postponed to 3 days ago and he was held behind bars with no bail until then.
*a clip rolls of Santa claws in handcuffs being dragged into the courtroom with a blanket over his head*
Gabby – he was first questioned by the police about stalking a couple of years ago after someone misinterpreted the song about him that states, “he sees when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” He was let off the hook and sent home. Then in 1998 he was spotted on several occasions flying across the sky in an outlandish style wobbling side to side. He was eventually pulled over by a B52 bomber and breathalysed. Worst fears were confirmed as the devise showed that he was 4 points over the limit. But before police could tell him this he hopped back into his sledge and sped away into the night.
That was all anyone heard from him until Christmas eve 2000 when a member of the public Mr hybrid found Santa going through his collection of stockings. Using self defence techniques and a ceramic plant pot Mr hybrid managed to overpower Santa knocking him out cold.
We have an exclusive interview with Mr hybrid now
Hybrid – hay there
Gabby – hello Mr Hybrid, may I ask you a few questions?
Hybrid – I can see you knickers he he. Now that’s what I call a news flash
Gabby – pardon?!
Hybrid – sorry, I mean, um, yeah sure
Gabby – how did you feel about him routing through your stocking collection?
Hybrid – I didn’t feel him, who told you that. I bet it was Snuggly. Hay don’t listen to him, he lies all the time. And even if it was true its nothing to be ashamed of, right? Right!
Gabby – huh?
Hybrid – I mean come off it, everyone has fantasies don’t they?! A mans aloud to dream, isn’t he? ISN’T HE?!!
Gabby - Mr Hybrid you’re scaring me
Hybrid – WELL DAMN RIGHT I AM! YOU’RE NOT TAKING MY DREAMS!
I HIT HIM WITH THAT POT AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!
Muh hu haha ha ha!!!
*men in white coats run onto the scene and one gives Hybrid an injection which makes him fall asleep*
Doctor – how did you get out?
*they begin to drag Hybrid off*
Doctor 2 – come on, back to the asylum
Gabby – um, er… *she puts her finger on her ear piece* ok, ok
Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen. Now where was I, oh yes. Mr Hybrid called the a doctor from his padded cell who informed the police, but when the men of the thin blue line got there Mr Claws had escaped leaving a sack full of pant hoes and wallet behind. The wallet was full of fake ids and soon police were putting up posters around the country telling people to stay well away from someone called: Santa claws, Father Christmas, St Nick, Linda Smith.
*Shot of one of the posters. It reads: if you see this man stay away. He is around 5 foot 4, is very fat, likes to wear red and is loves stockings. If it’s any help we don’t think he’s American. If you spot him phone 999*
Gabby - Then around April a moose like animal with antlers called Blitzen who had once works with Santa came forward and told the law were he was staying. Using the address given to them they, on Christmas day they raided his arctic workshop to find $500,000 of stolen toys and Mrs claws chained to a radiator but no Santa.
In a statement Mrs Christmas said “he would leave around 5am in the morning of December the 24th every year with a empty sack and come back with it full of children’s toys. Then using contacts he would sell the toys on the black market to feed his addiction. With just one sack last year he managed to buy 34,000 pairs of stocking with them”
Gabby - Santa seemed to foil the police at every turn until he was captured one night in an Ann summers party. They were notified after a large fat man claimed he was called Linda and wanted to buy 87 pairs of black stockings. He was taken to court the very next week.
And in other news relating to this story, 1 of Father Christmas’s reindeer have been arrested for the illegal usage and smuggling of cocaine. They were arrested just a few days ago as police officers noticed that one of the reindeers had turned up to court to give evidence with a bright red nose boasting that he could get higher than any of the others at christmas.
This is Gabby the reporter with a very short skirt signing off, back to you Chris in the studio
-----------------------
Christopher McDonalds – thanks Gabby.
**he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – a man we all fond of, a bringer of hope, a symbol of love. But not anymore. He betrayed the nation’s trust by braking into our homes and stealing the very toys he should have been giving. And for what? A quick high from buying a pair of lady’s lingerie.
But how does a man like that tick? What does he think about? How can we stop this from happening again? Why do I keep on asking question after question when you don’t know the answer?
Well here to explain all is Blitzen. A retired reindeer who worked with Santa for over 250 years.
*a spotlight shines onto a chair turned away from the camera. It swivels around slowly to reveal Hybrid*
Hybrid – hi mum *waves to the camera*
Christopher McDonalds – you’re not a reindeer
Hybrid – yes I am
Christopher McDonalds – no your not!
Hybrid – who says so
Christopher McDonalds – I do
Hybrid - why can’t I be?
Christopher McDonalds – because you’re a human
Hybrid - no I’m not, I’m a rabbit you fool!
*a doctor runs onto the stage*
Doctor – time for a boaster
*he injects hybrid and he falls asleep*
Doctor – I should really put a lock on your flap
*the doctor drags him off and Blitzen walks in and sits in the chair*
Blitzen (in a northern accent as) – sorry I’m late, I had a little transvestite problem with my car
Christopher McDonalds – don’t you mean transition problem?
Blitzen – no transvestite. When ever I go to start it up it keeps on changing into the wrong gear.
Christopher McDonalds - that’s quite all right. Now Mr Blitzen how did you get involved with a man like St Nick?
Blitzen – well I was skint and then I saw an add in the paper for flying reindeer so me and some of the lads went down to check it out
Christopher McDonalds – can you describe what would happen at Christmas
Blitzen – yeah, you see Jesus was born and then there was this star that…
Christopher McDonalds – no I mean what did Santa do
Blitzen – well at first he was kind. He would make presents all year and deliver them to all the little children. But something about hitting his head on the massive stockings on the fire place when he came down the chimney at every home for a few hundred years did something to him. Then on year he just snapped.
Christopher McDonalds – snapped?
Blitzen – yeah like a twig. He just went crazy half way through the trip and started stealing the stockings off the fireplaces. He mumbled something about if he owned all the stockings in the world he wouldn’t hit his head. But the next year everyone just put out new stockings so he decided to take the toys the parents brough for the children as revenge and he’s been taking toys and stockings ever since.
Christopher McDonalds – how sad, a man driven insane by the beatings he got from long see-though women socks
Blitzen – I don’t think all that sherry he loaded up on helped either
Christopher McDonalds – so he just flipped like that huh?
Blitzen – I’m afraid so. But he was still a little nuts when i first meet him though. Thousands of years ago he started up this really bonkers religion to make money and when he couldn’t handle the stress of the followers problems he put the blame on some other guy by saying the other guy was the chosen one. That’s why he calls himself Santa now instead of ‘Father’ Christmas
Christopher McDonalds – what was the religion called?
Blitzen - Christianity
Christopher McDonalds – opps *nervous laugh*… well um move swiftly on. So all the goodness just disappeared out of him you say?
Blitzen – yeah. The only thing Merry about the trip was the name of the girl he went of with for 10 minutes every year when we visited New York
Christopher McDonalds – Mr Blitzen, thank you for coming
Blitzen – it’s my pleasure
Christopher McDonalds – so there you have it. A man driven crazy by his love for children and his hatred for their mother’s stockings.
After the brake we’ll be talking about bill Gate’s new book called ‘me and my Microsoft’ and talking about why on a film set a member of staff walks round smacking the cast on the head with a stick ( ‘editors these days), plus...
*An arrow with its tip on fire whizzes past Christopher McDonald’s head and wedges itself into the wall*
Blitzen – wow, that sure was an arrow escape *dum dum tish*
Christopher McDonalds - ... I’ll be hiding from the crusaders, bye til then...
----------------
Hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn’t feel free to hurl abused at me
Thanks for reading, it shows you care
Linx
thatnks for that quinty, glad you liked it
Heh, that was good, i enjoyed that :-)
*hurls abused*
Christopher McDonalds – hello I’m Christopher McDonalds coming to you live this evening from itv broadcasting studio (not the one which looks like a giant doughnut that the other channel) presenting today’s news night.
*he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – thieves escaped with over £600,000 last night from a bank in Ireland. Police are still trying to find the motive fro the crime. And now tonight’s main story. In a heavily controversial, yet groundbreaking court ruling today Father Christmas has been sentenced to life imprisonment. Here’s Gabby outside the courthouse with more
------------------
*Gabby tries to pull her mini skirt down but everyone can still see the thong she’s wearing. She realise that the cameras rolling and begins to speak*
Gabby – thanks Chris. I’m standing here outside the old bailey courthouse in Bristol where today father Christmas, or Santa claws as he is known by his homies has been sentenced to life in prison. He was charged with 104 cases of grand larceny, 16 cases of drinking and driving (a sledge), 8 cases of indecent behaviour, 2 cases of urinating in public, 9.6 billion cases of braking and entering, 3 cases of Guinness; The list does literally go on forever.
If we can remember way back the trial had started in May but Mr Christmas burst out of the witness box in a drunken rage and began verbally assaulting a painting of king Henry the 3rd that was hung on the wall before being detained by members of the jury. Because of his state the trail was postponed to 3 days ago and he was held behind bars with no bail until then.
*a clip rolls of Santa claws in handcuffs being dragged into the courtroom with a blanket over his head*
Gabby – he was first questioned by the police about stalking a couple of years ago after someone misinterpreted the song about him that states, “he sees when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” He was let off the hook and sent home. Then in 1998 he was spotted on several occasions flying across the sky in an outlandish style wobbling side to side. He was eventually pulled over by a B52 bomber and breathalysed. Worst fears were confirmed as the devise showed that he was 4 points over the limit. But before police could tell him this he hopped back into his sledge and sped away into the night.
That was all anyone heard from him until Christmas eve 2000 when a member of the public Mr hybrid found Santa going through his collection of stockings. Using self defence techniques and a ceramic plant pot Mr hybrid managed to overpower Santa knocking him out cold.
We have an exclusive interview with Mr hybrid now
Hybrid – hay there
Gabby – hello Mr Hybrid, may I ask you a few questions?
Hybrid – I can see you knickers he he. Now that’s what I call a news flash
Gabby – pardon?!
Hybrid – sorry, I mean, um, yeah sure
Gabby – how did you feel about him routing through your stocking collection?
Hybrid – I didn’t feel him, who told you that. I bet it was Snuggly. Hay don’t listen to him, he lies all the time. And even if it was true its nothing to be ashamed of, right? Right!
Gabby – huh?
Hybrid – I mean come off it, everyone has fantasies don’t they?! A mans aloud to dream, isn’t he? ISN’T HE?!!
Gabby - Mr Hybrid you’re scaring me
Hybrid – WELL DAMN RIGHT I AM! YOU’RE NOT TAKING MY DREAMS!
I HIT HIM WITH THAT POT AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!
Muh hu haha ha ha!!!
*men in white coats run onto the scene and one gives Hybrid an injection which makes him fall asleep*
Doctor – how did you get out?
*they begin to drag Hybrid off*
Doctor 2 – come on, back to the asylum
Gabby – um, er… *she puts her finger on her ear piece* ok, ok
Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen. Now where was I, oh yes. Mr Hybrid called the a doctor from his padded cell who informed the police, but when the men of the thin blue line got there Mr Claws had escaped leaving a sack full of pant hoes and wallet behind. The wallet was full of fake ids and soon police were putting up posters around the country telling people to stay well away from someone called: Santa claws, Father Christmas, St Nick, Linda Smith.
*Shot of one of the posters. It reads: if you see this man stay away. He is around 5 foot 4, is very fat, likes to wear red and is loves stockings. If it’s any help we don’t think he’s American. If you spot him phone 999*
Gabby - Then around April a moose like animal with antlers called Blitzen who had once works with Santa came forward and told the law were he was staying. Using the address given to them they, on Christmas day they raided his arctic workshop to find $500,000 of stolen toys and Mrs claws chained to a radiator but no Santa.
In a statement Mrs Christmas said “he would leave around 5am in the morning of December the 24th every year with a empty sack and come back with it full of children’s toys. Then using contacts he would sell the toys on the black market to feed his addiction. With just one sack last year he managed to buy 34,000 pairs of stocking with them”
Gabby - Santa seemed to foil the police at every turn until he was captured one night in an Ann summers party. They were notified after a large fat man claimed he was called Linda and wanted to buy 87 pairs of black stockings. He was taken to court the very next week.
And in other news relating to this story, 1 of Father Christmas’s reindeer have been arrested for the illegal usage and smuggling of cocaine. They were arrested just a few days ago as police officers noticed that one of the reindeers had turned up to court to give evidence with a bright red nose boasting that he could get higher than any of the others at christmas.
This is Gabby the reporter with a very short skirt signing off, back to you Chris in the studio
-----------------------
Christopher McDonalds – thanks Gabby.
**he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – a man we all fond of, a bringer of hope, a symbol of love. But not anymore. He betrayed the nation’s trust by braking into our homes and stealing the very toys he should have been giving. And for what? A quick high from buying a pair of lady’s lingerie.
But how does a man like that tick? What does he think about? How can we stop this from happening again? Why do I keep on asking question after question when you don’t know the answer?
Well here to explain all is Blitzen. A retired reindeer who worked with Santa for over 250 years.
*a spotlight shines onto a chair turned away from the camera. It swivels around slowly to reveal Hybrid*
Hybrid – hi mum *waves to the camera*
Christopher McDonalds – you’re not a reindeer
Hybrid – yes I am
Christopher McDonalds – no your not!
Hybrid – who says so
Christopher McDonalds – I do
Hybrid - why can’t I be?
Christopher McDonalds – because you’re a human
Hybrid - no I’m not, I’m a rabbit you fool!
*a doctor runs onto the stage*
Doctor – time for a boaster
*he injects hybrid and he falls asleep*
Doctor – I should really put a lock on your flap
*the doctor drags him off and Blitzen walks in and sits in the chair*
Blitzen (in a northern accent as) – sorry I’m late, I had a little transvestite problem with my car
Christopher McDonalds – don’t you mean transition problem?
Blitzen – no transvestite. When ever I go to start it up it keeps on changing into the wrong gear.
Christopher McDonalds - that’s quite all right. Now Mr Blitzen how did you get involved with a man like St Nick?
Blitzen – well I was skint and then I saw an add in the paper for flying reindeer so me and some of the lads went down to check it out
Christopher McDonalds – can you describe what would happen at Christmas
Blitzen – yeah, you see Jesus was born and then there was this star that…
Christopher McDonalds – no I mean what did Santa do
Blitzen – well at first he was kind. He would make presents all year and deliver them to all the little children. But something about hitting his head on the massive stockings on the fire place when he came down the chimney at every home for a few hundred years did something to him. Then on year he just snapped.
Christopher McDonalds – snapped?
Blitzen – yeah like a twig. He just went crazy half way through the trip and started stealing the stockings off the fireplaces. He mumbled something about if he owned all the stockings in the world he wouldn’t hit his head. But the next year everyone just put out new stockings so he decided to take the toys the parents brough for the children as revenge and he’s been taking toys and stockings ever since.
Christopher McDonalds – how sad, a man driven insane by the beatings he got from long see-though women socks
Blitzen – I don’t think all that sherry he loaded up on helped either
Christopher McDonalds – so he just flipped like that huh?
Blitzen – I’m afraid so. But he was still a little nuts when i first meet him though. Thousands of years ago he started up this really bonkers religion to make money and when he couldn’t handle the stress of the followers problems he put the blame on some other guy by saying the other guy was the chosen one. That’s why he calls himself Santa now instead of ‘Father’ Christmas
Christopher McDonalds – what was the religion called?
Blitzen - Christianity
Christopher McDonalds – opps *nervous laugh*… well um move swiftly on. So all the goodness just disappeared out of him you say?
Blitzen – yeah. The only thing Merry about the trip was the name of the girl he went of with for 10 minutes every year when we visited New York
Christopher McDonalds – Mr Blitzen, thank you for coming
Blitzen – it’s my pleasure
Christopher McDonalds – so there you have it. A man driven crazy by his love for children and his hatred for their mother’s stockings.
After the brake we’ll be talking about bill Gate’s new book called ‘me and my Microsoft’ and talking about why on a film set a member of staff walks round smacking the cast on the head with a stick ( ‘editors these days), plus...
*An arrow with its tip on fire whizzes past Christopher McDonald’s head and wedges itself into the wall*
Blitzen – wow, that sure was an arrow escape *dum dum tish*
Christopher McDonalds - ... I’ll be hiding from the crusaders, bye til then...
----------------
Hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn’t feel free to hurl abused at me
Thanks for reading, it shows you care
Linx
*he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – thieves escaped with over £600,000 last night from a bank in Ireland. Police are still trying to find the motive fro the crime. And now tonight’s main story. In a heavily controversial, yet groundbreaking court ruling today Father Christmas has been sentenced to life imprisonment. Here’s Gabby outside the courthouse with more
------------------
*Gabby tries to pull her mini skirt down but everyone can still see the thong she’s wearing. She realise that the cameras rolling and begins to speak*
Gabby – thanks Chris. I’m standing here outside the old bailey courthouse in Bristol where today father Christmas, or Santa claws as he is known by his homies has been sentenced to life in prison. He was charged with 104 cases of grand larceny, 16 cases of drinking and driving (a sledge), 8 cases of indecent behaviour, 2 cases of urinating in public, 9.6 billion cases of braking and entering, 3 cases of Guinness; The list does literally go on forever.
If we can remember way back the trial had started in May but Mr Christmas burst out of the witness box in a drunken rage and began verbally assaulting a painting of king Henry the 3rd that was hung on the wall before being detained by members of the jury. Because of his state the trail was postponed to 3 days ago and he was held behind bars with no bail until then.
*a clip rolls of Santa claws in handcuffs being dragged into the courtroom with a blanket over his head*
Gabby – he was first questioned by the police about stalking a couple of years ago after someone misinterpreted the song about him that states, “he sees when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” He was let off the hook and sent home. Then in 1998 he was spotted on several occasions flying across the sky in an outlandish style wobbling side to side. He was eventually pulled over by a B52 bomber and breathalysed. Worst fears were confirmed as the devise showed that he was 4 points over the limit. But before police could tell him this he hopped back into his sledge and sped away into the night.
That was all anyone heard from him until Christmas eve 2000 when a member of the public Mr hybrid found Santa going through his collection of stockings. Using self defence techniques and a ceramic plant pot Mr hybrid managed to overpower Santa knocking him out cold.
We have an exclusive interview with Mr hybrid now
Hybrid – hay there
Gabby – hello Mr Hybrid, may I ask you a few questions?
Hybrid – I can see you knickers he he. Now that’s what I call a news flash
Gabby – pardon?!
Hybrid – sorry, I mean, um, yeah sure
Gabby – how did you feel about him routing through your stocking collection?
Hybrid – I didn’t feel him, who told you that. I bet it was Snuggly. Hay don’t listen to him, he lies all the time. And even if it was true its nothing to be ashamed of, right? Right!
Gabby – huh?
Hybrid – I mean come off it, everyone has fantasies don’t they?! A mans aloud to dream, isn’t he? ISN’T HE?!!
Gabby - Mr Hybrid you’re scaring me
Hybrid – WELL DAMN RIGHT I AM! YOU’RE NOT TAKING MY DREAMS!
I HIT HIM WITH THAT POT AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!
Muh hu haha ha ha!!!
*men in white coats run onto the scene and one gives Hybrid an injection which makes him fall asleep*
Doctor – how did you get out?
*they begin to drag Hybrid off*
Doctor 2 – come on, back to the asylum
Gabby – um, er… *she puts her finger on her ear piece* ok, ok
Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen. Now where was I, oh yes. Mr Hybrid called the a doctor from his padded cell who informed the police, but when the men of the thin blue line got there Mr Claws had escaped leaving a sack full of pant hoes and wallet behind. The wallet was full of fake ids and soon police were putting up posters around the country telling people to stay well away from someone called: Santa claws, Father Christmas, St Nick, Linda Smith.
*Shot of one of the posters. It reads: if you see this man stay away. He is around 5 foot 4, is very fat, likes to wear red and is loves stockings. If it’s any help we don’t think he’s American. If you spot him phone 999*
Gabby - Then around April a moose like animal with antlers called Blitzen who had once works with Santa came forward and told the law were he was staying. Using the address given to them they, on Christmas day they raided his arctic workshop to find $500,000 of stolen toys and Mrs claws chained to a radiator but no Santa.
In a statement Mrs Christmas said “he would leave around 5am in the morning of December the 24th every year with a empty sack and come back with it full of children’s toys. Then using contacts he would sell the toys on the black market to feed his addiction. With just one sack last year he managed to buy 34,000 pairs of stocking with them”
Gabby - Santa seemed to foil the police at every turn until he was captured one night in an Ann summers party. They were notified after a large fat man claimed he was called Linda and wanted to buy 87 pairs of black stockings. He was taken to court the very next week.
And in other news relating to this story, 1 of Father Christmas’s reindeer have been arrested for the illegal usage and smuggling of cocaine. They were arrested just a few days ago as police officers noticed that one of the reindeers had turned up to court to give evidence with a bright red nose boasting that he could get higher than any of the others at christmas.
This is Gabby the reporter with a very short skirt signing off, back to you Chris in the studio
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Christopher McDonalds – thanks Gabby.
**he shuffles some papers and the clears his throat*
Christopher McDonalds – a man we all fond of, a bringer of hope, a symbol of love. But not anymore. He betrayed the nation’s trust by braking into our homes and stealing the very toys he should have been giving. And for what? A quick high from buying a pair of lady’s lingerie.
But how does a man like that tick? What does he think about? How can we stop this from happening again? Why do I keep on asking question after question when you don’t know the answer?
Well here to explain all is Blitzen. A retired reindeer who worked with Santa for over 250 years.
*a spotlight shines onto a chair turned away from the camera. It swivels around slowly to reveal Hybrid*
Hybrid – hi mum *waves to the camera*
Christopher McDonalds – you’re not a reindeer
Hybrid – yes I am
Christopher McDonalds – no your not!
Hybrid – who says so
Christopher McDonalds – I do
Hybrid - why can’t I be?
Christopher McDonalds – because you’re a human
Hybrid - no I’m not, I’m a rabbit you fool!
*a doctor runs onto the stage*
Doctor – time for a boaster
*he injects hybrid and he falls asleep*
Doctor – I should really put a lock on your flap
*the doctor drags him off and Blitzen walks in and sits in the chair*
Blitzen (in a northern accent as) – sorry I’m late, I had a little transvestite problem with my car
Christopher McDonalds – don’t you mean transition problem?
Blitzen – no transvestite. When ever I go to start it up it keeps on changing into the wrong gear.
Christopher McDonalds - that’s quite all right. Now Mr Blitzen how did you get involved with a man like St Nick?
Blitzen – well I was skint and then I saw an add in the paper for flying reindeer so me and some of the lads went down to check it out
Christopher McDonalds – can you describe what would happen at Christmas
Blitzen – yeah, you see Jesus was born and then there was this star that…
Christopher McDonalds – no I mean what did Santa do
Blitzen – well at first he was kind. He would make presents all year and deliver them to all the little children. But something about hitting his head on the massive stockings on the fire place when he came down the chimney at every home for a few hundred years did something to him. Then on year he just snapped.
Christopher McDonalds – snapped?
Blitzen – yeah like a twig. He just went crazy half way through the trip and started stealing the stockings off the fireplaces. He mumbled something about if he owned all the stockings in the world he wouldn’t hit his head. But the next year everyone just put out new stockings so he decided to take the toys the parents brough for the children as revenge and he’s been taking toys and stockings ever since.
Christopher McDonalds – how sad, a man driven insane by the beatings he got from long see-though women socks
Blitzen – I don’t think all that sherry he loaded up on helped either
Christopher McDonalds – so he just flipped like that huh?
Blitzen – I’m afraid so. But he was still a little nuts when i first meet him though. Thousands of years ago he started up this really bonkers religion to make money and when he couldn’t handle the stress of the followers problems he put the blame on some other guy by saying the other guy was the chosen one. That’s why he calls himself Santa now instead of ‘Father’ Christmas
Christopher McDonalds – what was the religion called?
Blitzen - Christianity
Christopher McDonalds – opps *nervous laugh*… well um move swiftly on. So all the goodness just disappeared out of him you say?
Blitzen – yeah. The only thing Merry about the trip was the name of the girl he went of with for 10 minutes every year when we visited New York
Christopher McDonalds – Mr Blitzen, thank you for coming
Blitzen – it’s my pleasure
Christopher McDonalds – so there you have it. A man driven crazy by his love for children and his hatred for their mother’s stockings.
After the brake we’ll be talking about bill Gate’s new book called ‘me and my Microsoft’ and talking about why on a film set a member of staff walks round smacking the cast on the head with a stick ( ‘editors these days), plus...
*An arrow with its tip on fire whizzes past Christopher McDonald’s head and wedges itself into the wall*
Blitzen – wow, that sure was an arrow escape *dum dum tish*
Christopher McDonalds - ... I’ll be hiding from the crusaders, bye til then...
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Hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn’t feel free to hurl abused at me
Thanks for reading, it shows you care
Linx