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During a press conference held earlier today at ITV headquarters, George Jackson, spokesperson for ITV and Granada Television addressed the press on the current slippage in viewer figures.
"ITV has noticed the recent decline in ratings, and despite our current airing of quality programming, we feel that a new direction needs to be taken in order to bring in larger numbers of new viewers." He stated to the perplexed media personnel, with an almost excitable air to him.
"We feel that in order to maximise our profits, new ideas and projects are to be put in place, which our network will be the first to pioneer in this exciting new extension of the televisual medium." What followed was a fairly enterprising suggestion, which immediately sparked media interest at the simplistic, yet somewhat absurd means of dealing with the problem. "I am happy to announce that recent negotiations we held with various entertainment companies have been extremely successful, and a new joint venture system is to be implemented within the next few months."
At this point the curtain at the rear of the presentation hall was raised, to reveal a large selection of promotional posters, and a projection screen. The posters appeared to range between advertising several new television programmes, and what appeared to be game related advertising material, plastered with prospective release dates. "Our proposal", he furthered, "was to integrate several high yield concepts between both the televisual and videogaming formats. To do this we have been working together with these aforementioned companies to produce several "tie-in" products. I have invited a small number of the people involved to join us today, I would've invited all of our newly found companions, but we don't have all day". Suddenly the room was filled with some very structured laughter, nobody in the room appeared to be laughing, but we couldn't quite determine where it was emitting... so we did the next best thing; not wanting to feel left out, we all laughed too.
At this point several well dressed businessmen entered the hall, and took a seat at the address table beside Mr. Jackson. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Yoshiki Okamoto of Capcom, Mr. William Gates of Microsoft, and Markus Reeve, spokesperson for Naughty Dog Inc."
The following presentation lasted some 87 minutes, and consisted of several production demonstrations, and "trailer" snippets for various shows and games. From the notes taken in this lecture, I can now reveal to you the plans spoken of by the ITV ambassador, and his unusual array of associates.
The first item brought to our attention was a partnership deal between ITV and Capcom, it seemed that despite Mr. Okamoto's intial apprehension of this scheme, he had nevertheless given permission to use an existing license in an altered form. His fears that a new production based upon the ITV outline ideas would be too costly, and effectively result in a loss, almost brought an end to the partnership but after some more talks he was willing to comprimise by allowing ITV to use existing material and modify it to suit their ends. ITV had taken an existing television programme in a response to this, and the combined idea was an amusing concept to say the least.
The product I refer to was a synchronised release of a new multiplatform gaming title that would be launched to coincide with a television programme of the same name, this product was referred to as "Devil May Buy", apparently a mixture of a high grossing gaming title and cancelled show which held high viewing figures. The premise of this was essentially three demonically enhanced contestants, competing against each other to see which one could procure the larger amount of target items from a supermarket's shelves in an alloted time. The show, to be presented by ITV's Dale Winton, would occupy a morning time slot each Wednesday, and a fancy new set was constructed especially for the purpose.
From what we saw of the preview footage, it appeared that the supermarket set constructed was situated in a hazardous environment, inhabited by a number of rather unpleasant looking creatures and apparitions. The primary goal, other than to obtain the listed items from the shelves, was the survival of each of the contestants. This footage ran for a number of minutes, depicting a tall, white haired man wearing a velvet jacket competiting against a woman boasting six arms and interesting spots, and a devilishly charming horned fiend of red complexion carrying a pithfork who constantly boasted about his "control". The three contestants were shown navigating the harsh terrain of the store, traversing flaming pits, and corridors lined with razor tipped spears. Unfortunately we were not graced with the outcome of this particular contest, although we were assured that this would be the premiere episode of the gameshow, come the autumn and would coincide with the release of the videogame. I know that I for one will be rooted to my couch in suspense.
Our second presentation was fairly brief, short but sweet you might say, we were treated to a programme preview entitled "Microsoft Airport 2002". From what we could deduce this appeared to be some in depth documentary about the trials and tribulations addressed each day by normal airport attendants, albeit in some location plastered with advertisments for Microsoft products.
A large portion of this time, however, was occupied by footage of a plane in flight from the perspective of the cockpit. At completely random intervals the footage seemed to stutter a bit, then freeze up altogether, only for an attendant to stop the video, then start it again at the point we left off. This I found quite puzzling, but the few reporters familiar with Bill gates told us it was entirely normal, and meant to happen, they seemed to have experience in this matter so our concerns were laid to rest. We were also shown a glimpse of the game... but which order they were shown in was anyone's guess, they both looked the same to me. This was also slated for an Autumn appearance, and despite our confusion, seemed to be one of those shows we don't particularly want to watch but find ourselves unable to do otherwise.
After a brief pause allowing the attending media persons to stretch their legs and get refreshments, we were greeted by the third item, this one was the product of ITV's work with Naughty Dog Inc and was hailed as "Crash Beadlecoot". It appeared to be exclusively about the adventures of Jeremy Beadle, as he raced through the homes of various startled onlookers, being pursued by a diet enraged Vanessa Feltz. Along the hurtling blitz Beadle was seen to steal a number of tribal masks from someone's art collection, it appeared he thought they gave him magical powers, as he immediately started pretending that he could fly and was strong as ten regular men, in practice it didn't seem to hold the same effect; as by the end of the tape he was flattened quite harshly by collision with Vanessa's rear in a very Looney Tunes style manner. We were told this was all the footage available, as the show was still in production, we were also informed the game was not yet in development and were given no date for this. It appears that somewhere along the line, in a freak explosion of unimportance, everyone kept forgetting about the project due to Beadle's involvement. Lets hope they feel a little more motivated from here on in.
For our final presentation, Mr. Gates stood himself, and gave a "brief" talk on the evolution of both video games and television, after what seemed just over an hour a neighbouring reporter woke me up and told me the preview footage was starting, I must have dozed off - can't imagine why that happened.
This show reel seemed to be quite dated, although we were told this was deliberate, several more enthusiastic members of the audience were raving about how fantastic and cutting edge it looked but to me it seemed past it. The presentation in question was entitled "Halo, Halo", and was based upon the comedic antics between two warring factions, comprised of an alien race and a human team of soliders. The footage was largely made up of some camp acting, a few innuendo, and some hairbrained schemes put forward by the enemy in an attempt to capture the humans. It might just be me, but somehow I don't find two large, slimy, hunch-backed creatures in dresses very convincing "girl scouts" but it seemed to foil the heroes of the preview quite well... that is until some strange French man appeared from nowhere, and speaking in some highly contorted manner, pointed out the two "girl scouts" were infact alien spies. Much hilarity ensued.
At this point the lights were returned to their full brightness, and Mr. Gates addressed the media once again, he seemed highly enthusiastic about this show and repeatedly referred to it as the programme to put all other television to shame. Well, it was good, but I still didn't quite see how it put everything else to shame... everyone seemed to be nodding like car ornaments and licking his shoes though, so obviously I must be mentally impaired or something. What other possible explanation could there be?
I came away from the conference feeling strangely fulfilled, it seemed ITV really had stumbled upon something quite profound, and for the first time in a staggering *5* hours I found myself drawn to my living room couch in suspense, patiently staring at the television screen in anticipation of the delights in store. My faith in the magic box restored, I anxiously await what further tasty morsels of the televisual persuasion ITV has planned for us, as to coin a certain aurally graced politician "things can only get better".
"ITV has noticed the recent decline in ratings, and despite our current airing of quality programming, we feel that a new direction needs to be taken in order to bring in larger numbers of new viewers." He stated to the perplexed media personnel, with an almost excitable air to him.
"We feel that in order to maximise our profits, new ideas and projects are to be put in place, which our network will be the first to pioneer in this exciting new extension of the televisual medium." What followed was a fairly enterprising suggestion, which immediately sparked media interest at the simplistic, yet somewhat absurd means of dealing with the problem. "I am happy to announce that recent negotiations we held with various entertainment companies have been extremely successful, and a new joint venture system is to be implemented within the next few months."
At this point the curtain at the rear of the presentation hall was raised, to reveal a large selection of promotional posters, and a projection screen. The posters appeared to range between advertising several new television programmes, and what appeared to be game related advertising material, plastered with prospective release dates. "Our proposal", he furthered, "was to integrate several high yield concepts between both the televisual and videogaming formats. To do this we have been working together with these aforementioned companies to produce several "tie-in" products. I have invited a small number of the people involved to join us today, I would've invited all of our newly found companions, but we don't have all day". Suddenly the room was filled with some very structured laughter, nobody in the room appeared to be laughing, but we couldn't quite determine where it was emitting... so we did the next best thing; not wanting to feel left out, we all laughed too.
At this point several well dressed businessmen entered the hall, and took a seat at the address table beside Mr. Jackson. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Yoshiki Okamoto of Capcom, Mr. William Gates of Microsoft, and Markus Reeve, spokesperson for Naughty Dog Inc."
The following presentation lasted some 87 minutes, and consisted of several production demonstrations, and "trailer" snippets for various shows and games. From the notes taken in this lecture, I can now reveal to you the plans spoken of by the ITV ambassador, and his unusual array of associates.
The first item brought to our attention was a partnership deal between ITV and Capcom, it seemed that despite Mr. Okamoto's intial apprehension of this scheme, he had nevertheless given permission to use an existing license in an altered form. His fears that a new production based upon the ITV outline ideas would be too costly, and effectively result in a loss, almost brought an end to the partnership but after some more talks he was willing to comprimise by allowing ITV to use existing material and modify it to suit their ends. ITV had taken an existing television programme in a response to this, and the combined idea was an amusing concept to say the least.
The product I refer to was a synchronised release of a new multiplatform gaming title that would be launched to coincide with a television programme of the same name, this product was referred to as "Devil May Buy", apparently a mixture of a high grossing gaming title and cancelled show which held high viewing figures. The premise of this was essentially three demonically enhanced contestants, competing against each other to see which one could procure the larger amount of target items from a supermarket's shelves in an alloted time. The show, to be presented by ITV's Dale Winton, would occupy a morning time slot each Wednesday, and a fancy new set was constructed especially for the purpose.
From what we saw of the preview footage, it appeared that the supermarket set constructed was situated in a hazardous environment, inhabited by a number of rather unpleasant looking creatures and apparitions. The primary goal, other than to obtain the listed items from the shelves, was the survival of each of the contestants. This footage ran for a number of minutes, depicting a tall, white haired man wearing a velvet jacket competiting against a woman boasting six arms and interesting spots, and a devilishly charming horned fiend of red complexion carrying a pithfork who constantly boasted about his "control". The three contestants were shown navigating the harsh terrain of the store, traversing flaming pits, and corridors lined with razor tipped spears. Unfortunately we were not graced with the outcome of this particular contest, although we were assured that this would be the premiere episode of the gameshow, come the autumn and would coincide with the release of the videogame. I know that I for one will be rooted to my couch in suspense.
Our second presentation was fairly brief, short but sweet you might say, we were treated to a programme preview entitled "Microsoft Airport 2002". From what we could deduce this appeared to be some in depth documentary about the trials and tribulations addressed each day by normal airport attendants, albeit in some location plastered with advertisments for Microsoft products.
A large portion of this time, however, was occupied by footage of a plane in flight from the perspective of the cockpit. At completely random intervals the footage seemed to stutter a bit, then freeze up altogether, only for an attendant to stop the video, then start it again at the point we left off. This I found quite puzzling, but the few reporters familiar with Bill gates told us it was entirely normal, and meant to happen, they seemed to have experience in this matter so our concerns were laid to rest. We were also shown a glimpse of the game... but which order they were shown in was anyone's guess, they both looked the same to me. This was also slated for an Autumn appearance, and despite our confusion, seemed to be one of those shows we don't particularly want to watch but find ourselves unable to do otherwise.
After a brief pause allowing the attending media persons to stretch their legs and get refreshments, we were greeted by the third item, this one was the product of ITV's work with Naughty Dog Inc and was hailed as "Crash Beadlecoot". It appeared to be exclusively about the adventures of Jeremy Beadle, as he raced through the homes of various startled onlookers, being pursued by a diet enraged Vanessa Feltz. Along the hurtling blitz Beadle was seen to steal a number of tribal masks from someone's art collection, it appeared he thought they gave him magical powers, as he immediately started pretending that he could fly and was strong as ten regular men, in practice it didn't seem to hold the same effect; as by the end of the tape he was flattened quite harshly by collision with Vanessa's rear in a very Looney Tunes style manner. We were told this was all the footage available, as the show was still in production, we were also informed the game was not yet in development and were given no date for this. It appears that somewhere along the line, in a freak explosion of unimportance, everyone kept forgetting about the project due to Beadle's involvement. Lets hope they feel a little more motivated from here on in.
For our final presentation, Mr. Gates stood himself, and gave a "brief" talk on the evolution of both video games and television, after what seemed just over an hour a neighbouring reporter woke me up and told me the preview footage was starting, I must have dozed off - can't imagine why that happened.
This show reel seemed to be quite dated, although we were told this was deliberate, several more enthusiastic members of the audience were raving about how fantastic and cutting edge it looked but to me it seemed past it. The presentation in question was entitled "Halo, Halo", and was based upon the comedic antics between two warring factions, comprised of an alien race and a human team of soliders. The footage was largely made up of some camp acting, a few innuendo, and some hairbrained schemes put forward by the enemy in an attempt to capture the humans. It might just be me, but somehow I don't find two large, slimy, hunch-backed creatures in dresses very convincing "girl scouts" but it seemed to foil the heroes of the preview quite well... that is until some strange French man appeared from nowhere, and speaking in some highly contorted manner, pointed out the two "girl scouts" were infact alien spies. Much hilarity ensued.
At this point the lights were returned to their full brightness, and Mr. Gates addressed the media once again, he seemed highly enthusiastic about this show and repeatedly referred to it as the programme to put all other television to shame. Well, it was good, but I still didn't quite see how it put everything else to shame... everyone seemed to be nodding like car ornaments and licking his shoes though, so obviously I must be mentally impaired or something. What other possible explanation could there be?
I came away from the conference feeling strangely fulfilled, it seemed ITV really had stumbled upon something quite profound, and for the first time in a staggering *5* hours I found myself drawn to my living room couch in suspense, patiently staring at the television screen in anticipation of the delights in store. My faith in the magic box restored, I anxiously await what further tasty morsels of the televisual persuasion ITV has planned for us, as to coin a certain aurally graced politician "things can only get better".
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RM18 wrote:
just stay confused Ros...
There wasn't much chance of me ever being unconfused about anything ever ;)
just stay confused Ros...
There wasn't much chance of me ever being unconfused about anything ever ;)
But I never had two accounts, my brother had one and I had one...ah dag nammit! - just stay confused Ros...
:D
:D
So because people were getting at you for having two accounts you created another account to prove you didn't have two accounts, thereby proving that you do have two accounts (RM18 and the one you created to prove that you didn't have two).
*I'm still confused*
;)
don't hate us all, love us all!
*I'm still confused*
;)
don't hate us all, love us all!
Because I was annnoyed that people were making unsubstantiated claims that me and my brother were the same person I created a JAT account as an experiment to see if people could tell the difference if I nenerv said we were brothers and I wasn't going to tell anyone to see if they noticed and...ah forget it.
I hate you all.
I hate you all.
RM18 wrote:
> Tell me about it - I told people I had a brother on here, and was
> subsequently ostracised by people adamant we were the same person.
But weren't you Indy?
*confused*
Ros
> Tell me about it - I told people I had a brother on here, and was
> subsequently ostracised by people adamant we were the same person.
But weren't you Indy?
*confused*
Ros
Tell me about it - I told people I had a brother on here, and was subsequently ostracised by people adamant we were the same person.
So long as I don't get anyone accusing me of being him, or vice versa, I'm happy... just seems to be the trend at the minute. :(
Yeah but it's pb so PB is still legit!
;-)
;-)
*Chuckles*
Correct me if I'm wrong... but isn't there someone else going by "PB" on the forums? Or was that "PR"? Might want to just use Pointless or Babble... I'd rather not have to sit and listen to people whinge at me thinking I'm someone else - this is the only name I post under.
Correct me if I'm wrong... but isn't there someone else going by "PB" on the forums? Or was that "PR"? Might want to just use Pointless or Babble... I'd rather not have to sit and listen to people whinge at me thinking I'm someone else - this is the only name I post under.
Sorry PB I've just done the same thing!
I take the "punk" bit back!
:D
I take the "punk" bit back!
:D
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