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Big bother: The young offenders series
It’s quite simple really (like the contestants): why can’t we have a show featuring a house full of miscreants, deviants and elephants (to ensure full-on carnage)?
Well here is my take on what it would (or could) be like.
There won’t be any room for sycophants but the format should ensure plenty of rants and maybe the odd incident featuring smelly pants, filled with antiseptic.
Surviving to the end of the 10-year duration of the show is the aim for each hand picked thug. Each will doubtless bring their own unique qualities to the house, including a propensity to offend viewer’s sensibilities with hideous sights of depravity. These naked Jade t-shirts will be the uniform issue and all inmates er housemates will be expected to wear them at all times. In a novel twist, the viewers will get the opportunity to decide upon the contestant’s nicknames before the show begins, as the producers are acutely worried that 90% of the 100 entrants are called Dazza. The other 10% being Bazzarians.
Random acts of skulduggery will be on the daily menu, usually appearing as stains or smeared “bodily issues”, which shall offer a balanced diet; Pizzas OR Fried Chicken, whilst watching a contestant choose between Panda Cola and Kwik Save Lemonade, is expected to be the crux of many an episode. The youths were initially going to be offered food from a large chain of motorway restaurants, who are the programme's sponsors, but this idea was soon quashed in the European courts due to humanitarian reasons.
Challenging tasks will be set on a daily basis, some providing stern intellectual challenges, like learning the alphabet, counting to ten without using fingers and reading quietly without moving lips to mimic the words being read, whilst the physical challenges will range from cleaning out the Timber Wolf cage, giving the Elephants enemas and an extreme challenge requiring the juvenile crims to the walk past a pukka motor without nicking the hubcaps.
The final contestant in the house will be awarded the title of “Daddy” and promptly issued with golden dungarees. Many of the top “firms” have expressed an interest in recruiting the winner into their ranks, so their long-term career prospects look good too.
Expect to see a brick through your screens soon...
It’s quite simple really (like the contestants): why can’t we have a show featuring a house full of miscreants, deviants and elephants (to ensure full-on carnage)?
Well here is my take on what it would (or could) be like.
There won’t be any room for sycophants but the format should ensure plenty of rants and maybe the odd incident featuring smelly pants, filled with antiseptic.
Surviving to the end of the 10-year duration of the show is the aim for each hand picked thug. Each will doubtless bring their own unique qualities to the house, including a propensity to offend viewer’s sensibilities with hideous sights of depravity. These naked Jade t-shirts will be the uniform issue and all inmates er housemates will be expected to wear them at all times. In a novel twist, the viewers will get the opportunity to decide upon the contestant’s nicknames before the show begins, as the producers are acutely worried that 90% of the 100 entrants are called Dazza. The other 10% being Bazzarians.
Random acts of skulduggery will be on the daily menu, usually appearing as stains or smeared “bodily issues”, which shall offer a balanced diet; Pizzas OR Fried Chicken, whilst watching a contestant choose between Panda Cola and Kwik Save Lemonade, is expected to be the crux of many an episode. The youths were initially going to be offered food from a large chain of motorway restaurants, who are the programme's sponsors, but this idea was soon quashed in the European courts due to humanitarian reasons.
Challenging tasks will be set on a daily basis, some providing stern intellectual challenges, like learning the alphabet, counting to ten without using fingers and reading quietly without moving lips to mimic the words being read, whilst the physical challenges will range from cleaning out the Timber Wolf cage, giving the Elephants enemas and an extreme challenge requiring the juvenile crims to the walk past a pukka motor without nicking the hubcaps.
The final contestant in the house will be awarded the title of “Daddy” and promptly issued with golden dungarees. Many of the top “firms” have expressed an interest in recruiting the winner into their ranks, so their long-term career prospects look good too.
Expect to see a brick through your screens soon...
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Big bother: The young offenders series
It’s quite simple really (like the contestants): why can’t we have a show featuring a house full of miscreants, deviants and elephants (to ensure full-on carnage)?
Well here is my take on what it would (or could) be like.
There won’t be any room for sycophants but the format should ensure plenty of rants and maybe the odd incident featuring smelly pants, filled with antiseptic.
Surviving to the end of the 10-year duration of the show is the aim for each hand picked thug. Each will doubtless bring their own unique qualities to the house, including a propensity to offend viewer’s sensibilities with hideous sights of depravity. These naked Jade t-shirts will be the uniform issue and all inmates er housemates will be expected to wear them at all times. In a novel twist, the viewers will get the opportunity to decide upon the contestant’s nicknames before the show begins, as the producers are acutely worried that 90% of the 100 entrants are called Dazza. The other 10% being Bazzarians.
Random acts of skulduggery will be on the daily menu, usually appearing as stains or smeared “bodily issues”, which shall offer a balanced diet; Pizzas OR Fried Chicken, whilst watching a contestant choose between Panda Cola and Kwik Save Lemonade, is expected to be the crux of many an episode. The youths were initially going to be offered food from a large chain of motorway restaurants, who are the programme's sponsors, but this idea was soon quashed in the European courts due to humanitarian reasons.
Challenging tasks will be set on a daily basis, some providing stern intellectual challenges, like learning the alphabet, counting to ten without using fingers and reading quietly without moving lips to mimic the words being read, whilst the physical challenges will range from cleaning out the Timber Wolf cage, giving the Elephants enemas and an extreme challenge requiring the juvenile crims to the walk past a pukka motor without nicking the hubcaps.
The final contestant in the house will be awarded the title of “Daddy” and promptly issued with golden dungarees. Many of the top “firms” have expressed an interest in recruiting the winner into their ranks, so their long-term career prospects look good too.
Expect to see a brick through your screens soon...
It’s quite simple really (like the contestants): why can’t we have a show featuring a house full of miscreants, deviants and elephants (to ensure full-on carnage)?
Well here is my take on what it would (or could) be like.
There won’t be any room for sycophants but the format should ensure plenty of rants and maybe the odd incident featuring smelly pants, filled with antiseptic.
Surviving to the end of the 10-year duration of the show is the aim for each hand picked thug. Each will doubtless bring their own unique qualities to the house, including a propensity to offend viewer’s sensibilities with hideous sights of depravity. These naked Jade t-shirts will be the uniform issue and all inmates er housemates will be expected to wear them at all times. In a novel twist, the viewers will get the opportunity to decide upon the contestant’s nicknames before the show begins, as the producers are acutely worried that 90% of the 100 entrants are called Dazza. The other 10% being Bazzarians.
Random acts of skulduggery will be on the daily menu, usually appearing as stains or smeared “bodily issues”, which shall offer a balanced diet; Pizzas OR Fried Chicken, whilst watching a contestant choose between Panda Cola and Kwik Save Lemonade, is expected to be the crux of many an episode. The youths were initially going to be offered food from a large chain of motorway restaurants, who are the programme's sponsors, but this idea was soon quashed in the European courts due to humanitarian reasons.
Challenging tasks will be set on a daily basis, some providing stern intellectual challenges, like learning the alphabet, counting to ten without using fingers and reading quietly without moving lips to mimic the words being read, whilst the physical challenges will range from cleaning out the Timber Wolf cage, giving the Elephants enemas and an extreme challenge requiring the juvenile crims to the walk past a pukka motor without nicking the hubcaps.
The final contestant in the house will be awarded the title of “Daddy” and promptly issued with golden dungarees. Many of the top “firms” have expressed an interest in recruiting the winner into their ranks, so their long-term career prospects look good too.
Expect to see a brick through your screens soon...