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Bearded fans around the globe were in uproar last night following New Line Cinema’s decision to re-film the Two Towers, the sequel to the Fellowship of the Ring, in an attempt to make it more “Hollywoodian, more American and more patriotic”. All three films have already been shot in New Zealand, a place that the LA Times recently described as being “full of Australians and is near Mexico, we think”.
This proposed re-filming is a direct result of ferocious criticism levelled at the original film by American patriots who claim that the film didn’t emphasise enough:
“America’s role in saving Middle Earth from the tyrant Sauron, who clearly posed a threat to us all from his dictatorship within the Middle East (of middle earth)”.
One star spangled banner waving patriot cried, “We saved you all again and this is how you repay us! Tolkien was clearly an American and if he wasn’t he doubtless copied the book from an American who wrote it first, whilst inventing television and the space shuttle simultaneously. You can’t go around changing history to suit yourselves like you did with the Enigma machine capture and the Battle of Agincourt”.
All the Hollywood stars lined up to replace the original cast have roundly supported this unprecedented move. Arnold Shwazenegger has been particular outspoken and congratulated New Line for what he claims as the sensible move. He vehemently said, “I was shocked that I wasn’t even considered for the obvious role I should have had in the first film. My attributes as an actor made me an ideal candidate, hasn’t the casting producer ever seen Barbarian. I should have played Frodo Baggins from the outset”.
When challenged about his size he snidely retorted, “They can do amazing things with computers these days and I will be acting all my scenes, balanced on my knees with those fake feet stuck to the bottom of them. It will be very effective, so I can’t see a problem”.
Chris Tucker is also particularly proud of being asked to take the prime role of Gandalf. He has repeatedly questioned “McKellan’s lack of funny high pitched squealing” throughout the first film and also his “inability to crack funnies at inappropriate moments”, since the film’s release.
Mel Gibson, who will direct and also star as whichever character hates the English the most within the movie (who are the cowardly race of Dwarves that spend the 68 minutes of the flic hidden in the dark, gloomy confines of the Underground), has defended the replacement of a Computer Generated Gollum with the puppet Elmo from Sesame Street. “The films credibility is by no means undermined by this revision, in fact it only strengthens it by the addition of a stupid puppet that only kids will like or find funny.” He added “If we can replicate the audience’s love of Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars for Elmo then we are doing OK, he will have a lot of funny lines to say and will always be getting in the major characters way or falling over!”.
Britney Spears has recently confirmed that she won’t be performing as Gladriel, so it is expected that Madonna will become a convincing Elf Queen, resplendent in an Elven cropped T-shirt and hotpants.
The film is due for release in America next week, whilst the rest of the world will have to wait a lot longer, as usual.
This proposed re-filming is a direct result of ferocious criticism levelled at the original film by American patriots who claim that the film didn’t emphasise enough:
“America’s role in saving Middle Earth from the tyrant Sauron, who clearly posed a threat to us all from his dictatorship within the Middle East (of middle earth)”.
One star spangled banner waving patriot cried, “We saved you all again and this is how you repay us! Tolkien was clearly an American and if he wasn’t he doubtless copied the book from an American who wrote it first, whilst inventing television and the space shuttle simultaneously. You can’t go around changing history to suit yourselves like you did with the Enigma machine capture and the Battle of Agincourt”.
All the Hollywood stars lined up to replace the original cast have roundly supported this unprecedented move. Arnold Shwazenegger has been particular outspoken and congratulated New Line for what he claims as the sensible move. He vehemently said, “I was shocked that I wasn’t even considered for the obvious role I should have had in the first film. My attributes as an actor made me an ideal candidate, hasn’t the casting producer ever seen Barbarian. I should have played Frodo Baggins from the outset”.
When challenged about his size he snidely retorted, “They can do amazing things with computers these days and I will be acting all my scenes, balanced on my knees with those fake feet stuck to the bottom of them. It will be very effective, so I can’t see a problem”.
Chris Tucker is also particularly proud of being asked to take the prime role of Gandalf. He has repeatedly questioned “McKellan’s lack of funny high pitched squealing” throughout the first film and also his “inability to crack funnies at inappropriate moments”, since the film’s release.
Mel Gibson, who will direct and also star as whichever character hates the English the most within the movie (who are the cowardly race of Dwarves that spend the 68 minutes of the flic hidden in the dark, gloomy confines of the Underground), has defended the replacement of a Computer Generated Gollum with the puppet Elmo from Sesame Street. “The films credibility is by no means undermined by this revision, in fact it only strengthens it by the addition of a stupid puppet that only kids will like or find funny.” He added “If we can replicate the audience’s love of Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars for Elmo then we are doing OK, he will have a lot of funny lines to say and will always be getting in the major characters way or falling over!”.
Britney Spears has recently confirmed that she won’t be performing as Gladriel, so it is expected that Madonna will become a convincing Elf Queen, resplendent in an Elven cropped T-shirt and hotpants.
The film is due for release in America next week, whilst the rest of the world will have to wait a lot longer, as usual.
Cheers! I had to rid myself of my "American Angst" somehow.
Beefcake wrote:
“We saved you all again
> and this is how you repay us! Tolkien was clearly an American and if
> he wasn’t he doubtless copied the book from an American who wrote it
> first, whilst inventing television and the space shuttle
> simultaneously. You can’t go around changing history to suit
> yourselves like you did with the Enigma machine capture and the Battle
> of Agincourt”.
That made me laugh out loud, very hard :D
“We saved you all again
> and this is how you repay us! Tolkien was clearly an American and if
> he wasn’t he doubtless copied the book from an American who wrote it
> first, whilst inventing television and the space shuttle
> simultaneously. You can’t go around changing history to suit
> yourselves like you did with the Enigma machine capture and the Battle
> of Agincourt”.
That made me laugh out loud, very hard :D
*squeaky voice*
I'll be back!
I'll be back!
Heh nice one. Just thinking of a 4 foot arnie makes me crack up.
Ha ha, very good. Especially the stuff about Americans claiming we change history, heh
And Elmo is a nice touch
And Elmo is a nice touch
Tanfastic.
Bearded fans around the globe were in uproar last night following New Line Cinema’s decision to re-film the Two Towers, the sequel to the Fellowship of the Ring, in an attempt to make it more “Hollywoodian, more American and more patriotic”. All three films have already been shot in New Zealand, a place that the LA Times recently described as being “full of Australians and is near Mexico, we think”.
This proposed re-filming is a direct result of ferocious criticism levelled at the original film by American patriots who claim that the film didn’t emphasise enough:
“America’s role in saving Middle Earth from the tyrant Sauron, who clearly posed a threat to us all from his dictatorship within the Middle East (of middle earth)”.
One star spangled banner waving patriot cried, “We saved you all again and this is how you repay us! Tolkien was clearly an American and if he wasn’t he doubtless copied the book from an American who wrote it first, whilst inventing television and the space shuttle simultaneously. You can’t go around changing history to suit yourselves like you did with the Enigma machine capture and the Battle of Agincourt”.
All the Hollywood stars lined up to replace the original cast have roundly supported this unprecedented move. Arnold Shwazenegger has been particular outspoken and congratulated New Line for what he claims as the sensible move. He vehemently said, “I was shocked that I wasn’t even considered for the obvious role I should have had in the first film. My attributes as an actor made me an ideal candidate, hasn’t the casting producer ever seen Barbarian. I should have played Frodo Baggins from the outset”.
When challenged about his size he snidely retorted, “They can do amazing things with computers these days and I will be acting all my scenes, balanced on my knees with those fake feet stuck to the bottom of them. It will be very effective, so I can’t see a problem”.
Chris Tucker is also particularly proud of being asked to take the prime role of Gandalf. He has repeatedly questioned “McKellan’s lack of funny high pitched squealing” throughout the first film and also his “inability to crack funnies at inappropriate moments”, since the film’s release.
Mel Gibson, who will direct and also star as whichever character hates the English the most within the movie (who are the cowardly race of Dwarves that spend the 68 minutes of the flic hidden in the dark, gloomy confines of the Underground), has defended the replacement of a Computer Generated Gollum with the puppet Elmo from Sesame Street. “The films credibility is by no means undermined by this revision, in fact it only strengthens it by the addition of a stupid puppet that only kids will like or find funny.” He added “If we can replicate the audience’s love of Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars for Elmo then we are doing OK, he will have a lot of funny lines to say and will always be getting in the major characters way or falling over!”.
Britney Spears has recently confirmed that she won’t be performing as Gladriel, so it is expected that Madonna will become a convincing Elf Queen, resplendent in an Elven cropped T-shirt and hotpants.
The film is due for release in America next week, whilst the rest of the world will have to wait a lot longer, as usual.
This proposed re-filming is a direct result of ferocious criticism levelled at the original film by American patriots who claim that the film didn’t emphasise enough:
“America’s role in saving Middle Earth from the tyrant Sauron, who clearly posed a threat to us all from his dictatorship within the Middle East (of middle earth)”.
One star spangled banner waving patriot cried, “We saved you all again and this is how you repay us! Tolkien was clearly an American and if he wasn’t he doubtless copied the book from an American who wrote it first, whilst inventing television and the space shuttle simultaneously. You can’t go around changing history to suit yourselves like you did with the Enigma machine capture and the Battle of Agincourt”.
All the Hollywood stars lined up to replace the original cast have roundly supported this unprecedented move. Arnold Shwazenegger has been particular outspoken and congratulated New Line for what he claims as the sensible move. He vehemently said, “I was shocked that I wasn’t even considered for the obvious role I should have had in the first film. My attributes as an actor made me an ideal candidate, hasn’t the casting producer ever seen Barbarian. I should have played Frodo Baggins from the outset”.
When challenged about his size he snidely retorted, “They can do amazing things with computers these days and I will be acting all my scenes, balanced on my knees with those fake feet stuck to the bottom of them. It will be very effective, so I can’t see a problem”.
Chris Tucker is also particularly proud of being asked to take the prime role of Gandalf. He has repeatedly questioned “McKellan’s lack of funny high pitched squealing” throughout the first film and also his “inability to crack funnies at inappropriate moments”, since the film’s release.
Mel Gibson, who will direct and also star as whichever character hates the English the most within the movie (who are the cowardly race of Dwarves that spend the 68 minutes of the flic hidden in the dark, gloomy confines of the Underground), has defended the replacement of a Computer Generated Gollum with the puppet Elmo from Sesame Street. “The films credibility is by no means undermined by this revision, in fact it only strengthens it by the addition of a stupid puppet that only kids will like or find funny.” He added “If we can replicate the audience’s love of Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars for Elmo then we are doing OK, he will have a lot of funny lines to say and will always be getting in the major characters way or falling over!”.
Britney Spears has recently confirmed that she won’t be performing as Gladriel, so it is expected that Madonna will become a convincing Elf Queen, resplendent in an Elven cropped T-shirt and hotpants.
The film is due for release in America next week, whilst the rest of the world will have to wait a lot longer, as usual.