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Mojojojo – finally I have completed my lates**t mas**terpiece!
Linx – lets have a look
Mojojojo – sure
*Mojojojo passes over the script and Linx pushes him into the broom closet before locking the door*
Mojojojo – hay let me out
Linx – what? sorry I can’t hear you
Mojojojo – why you little…
Linx – *nervous cough* well ladies and gentleman here’s the late s**tory by mojo, I mean me. I know its long but try and read it all. Ok see you at the bottom!
----------------
*Scene 1*
*In the secret attic laboratory of SR towers Tony is s**tanding on a podium wearing a long white lab coat with a clip board in his hand talking to Hybrid, Loki and Darkus who are s**tanding around him*
Tony – two things on the agenda today. Firs**tly we got a message today from extra terres**trials that we’ve been waiting for since we set up this fake games company to fund our experiments
Loki – that’s good
Tony - Second, today’s raffle
*The group buzz with excitement as they pull out their tickets*
Tony – *he reaches inside a cardboard box and pulls out a small numbered piece of paper* ok who’s got number 53?
Darkus – its me, I won!
Tony – here you go *Tony gives Darkus a box of expensive chocolates*
Hybrid – what’s this about the alien s**tuff?
Tony – ahh yes, well it seems that we received a message a 10 o’clock today from extra terres**trial life. We got a letter, a s**trand of DNA in a tes**t-tube and what appears to be a collection of Vanilla ice’s greates**t hits
Loki – why did it take so long to get here?
Tony – it got los**t in the pos**t.
Darkus – damn pos**tal service
*Tony picks up the letter and begins to read*
“Hello earthlings.
Inclosed in this package a s**trand of DNA to create your own alien. To do so simply pour into a bowl, add water and 2 human cells, s**tir vigorously for 5 minutes and put in the oven at gas mark 3.
Also thank you for the Ice Vanilla disks. Though primitive, the torture works greatly and is now our number one capital punishment. However we thought you might be missing it so we have sent you a copy back. And as a thankyou we have inserted a selection of topless calendars.
Bye for now, love coke”
*Loki snatches the CD from Tony’s hand*
Loki – I wondered where that had got too!
Hybrid – where are the calendars?
Tony – someone’s nicked’em
Darkus – damn pos**tal service
*Tony s**teps off his platform and puts the ins**tructions onto a projector that projects them onto the wall*
Tony – I’m leaving the DNA with you hybrid
Hybrid – great! I’m in charge now, hear me roar! Ha ha! I’m the favorite and your not. I’m the king of the…
Tony – um, actually I think I’ll leave this with you Loki
Loki – no problem boss
*Hybrid begins to mutter under his breath*
Tony – ok, lets get going people. I’m off to buy another car
---------------
*Scene 2*
*Its lunch time and mos**t people have left SR towers, all but the few people who dare to s**tay and eat the food from the canteen*
Lunch lady – what would you like young lady?
Schroeder – can I have… Stryke?
Stryke (lunch lady) – shush, I don’t want anyone to know
Schroeder – what are you doing as the lunch lady?
Stryke – my job as highly paid trained killer fell through and I’m s**tuck in this joint paying off the bills for all the cool leather suits and guns I brought
Schroeder – don’t worry its happens to the bes**t of us
Stryke – enough chit-chat, what do you want? Beans or peas?
Schroeder – um, peas please
Stryke – here you go
Schroeder – thanks. Hay have you seen snuggs?
Stryke – yeah he’s over there in the corner
*Schroeder takes her tray and goes and sits on Mr Snuggly’s table*
Schroeder - alright snuggs? Haven’t seen you in awhile
Mr Snuggly – can you pass the salt?
Schroeder – sure
*but before Schroeder can reach it a small monkey picks it up in its mouth and runs across the table before dropping it in snuggly’s lap*
Schroeder – what the?
Mr Snuggly – do not be alarmed by the appearance of my helper monkey
Schroeder – don’t worry, when working with you the las**t few years I’ve seen far more horrifying things. hay snuggs I know you get your food from the bins outside but are you sure those chips fresh? It’s jus**t that they pong a bit.
Mr Snuggly – of course they are, they’re rapped in las**t weeks news of the world
*Schroeder turns to Snuggly to see him covered in plas**ter and bandages sitting in a wheel chair*
Schroeder – but what happened to you?
Mr Snuggly – someone ran me over
Schroeder – poor you. But all these bandages for one hit?
Mr Snuggly – they kept on shifting it into reverse and driving over my crippled body again and again
Schroeder –That’s a bit harsh
Mr Snuggly – tell me about it. Now I’m s**tuck in this casing for 6 months with Cecil here doing all my choirs.
Schroeder – who was it?
Mr Snuggly – I don’t know
Schroeder - what car was it?
Mr Snuggly – a pink mini
Schroeder - *nervous cough* a pink mini you say?
Mr Snuggly – yeah, in the car park
Schroeder – did it have fluffy dice hanging on the mirror?
Mr Snuggly – yeah, how did you know?
Schroeder – and a broken indicator on the front?
Mr Snuggly – yeah!
Schroeder - *nervous laugh* well um… *nervous cough*
Mr Snuggly – Schroeder, is there something you’re not telling me?
Schroeder – would you look at the time! I’m due at the lab, bye!
*Schroeder runs out as fas**t as she can*
Mr snuggly – why do bad things always happen to me?
-----------
*scene 3*
*loki is sat in the lab on his own looking at the alien he has jus**t given life too*
loki – hay there little fellow
*The creation resembles a 4 year old child and has been caged into a large see-through sphere*
loki – oh, you’re a girl. I guess the name Loki JR won’t suit you then. I know!
*loki runs to the door*
loki – I’m off to get snuggly’s magic eight ball, the one he chooses the GaDs with. I’m sure it can come up with a good name for you. Don’t move I’ll be right back
*loki runs out off the lab and the little girl begins to change into a giant green beas**t with claws and fangs.Then it hears someone approaching the lab and turns back*
Schroeder – hi all. Sorry I’m late I jus**t had to…
*Schroeder s**tops in her tracks and s**tares at the naked child in the sphere*
Schroeder (to herself) – Hybrid what have you been up to? Can’t say I’m surprised. It was going to happen some day
*Schroeder walks up to the sphere and pushes her hands up agains**t it*
Schroeder – hey there. Can you talk?
*The girl cowers and runs to the other side of her see-through prison*
Schroeder – I told him to s**top at the goat porn but does he lis**ten to me? I should of seen It coming after he got so excited over the evian water advert on tv
*the girl looks up at Schroeder and slowly moves closer*
Schroeder – that’s it come on. Where have you come from?
Girl – m-m-mys**t
Schroeder – mys**t? Is that your name?
Mys**t – m-m-mus**t g-go
Schroeder - Wait a sec, I’ll try and get you out
*Schroeder walks up to the control panel and begins to press random buttons*
Schroeder – hang on, I’ll have you out in no time. Its got to be here somewhere.
*she presses a bright red button and the sphere opens and splits in two with smoke pouring out making it look very technical and expensive*
Schroeder – there you go
*before Schroeder can turn around the little girl runs out of the room knocking Loki over as he comes threw the door*
Schroeder – where’d you go?
Loki – hey Schroeder what do you think your doing?!
Schroeder – huh?
Loki – you jus**t let “probably” out!
Schroeder – “probably”? Oh you mean mys**t. What was she yours?
Loki – well kind of
Schroeder – Loki I had know idea you were into that kind of thing
Loki – what are you on about? That was the alien we jus**t made
Schroeder – you made an alien? I know Tony wanted an ET really badly, but making one?
Loki – no you’ve got it all wrong
*loki points to the letter that is projected onto the wall*
Schroeder – opps *nervous laugh*
Loki – Tony isn’t going to be pleased
Schroeder – sorry
Loki – its too late now… oh sh*t!
Schroeder – hay look I said I’m sorry! What else do you want?!
loki – no look behind you on the monitor
*Schroeder turns around to see the replay of the little girl turning into the beas**t on the cctv monitor*
Schroeder – that could be a problem…
-----------
*scene 4*
*Tony and the group have returned to the lab and Schroeder has been sent home*
Tony – after great thought and consideration I think that we should s**tart now
Darkus – well said
Loki – hurry up, every second counts!
Tony – ok, so here’s what I think… *Tony picks up a lis**t* we’ll have two pineapple with pepperoni and one with everything on it
Darkus – no anchovies!
Tony – hold the anchovies. Ok thanks see you in a minute. *Tony puts down the phone* the pizzas are on the way
Darkus – now what about the escaped alien?
Tony – I’ve seen the footage and I have concluded that it is a great threat
Loki – I could’ve told you that
Tony – pardon Loki, did you say something?
Loki – no boss
Tony – good, remember who pays your wages
Loki – yeah, that fat bloke in Newport who buys all those erotic witch project DVDs from us
Tony – anyway everyone grab a gun and get into your protective gear, were going hunting!
Hybrid – he he
Tony - what’s so funny
Hybrid – you said protective gear! He he
*Tony slaps hybrid*
Tony – actually hybrid you s**tay here and, um, look after the lab
Hybrid – right boss! Can I keep the gun with me?
Tony – NO! I mean no, we need all guns for the alien you know
Hybrid – how will protect the lab?
Tony – try playing some of your home made videos with your dog on the wide screen tv over there
Hybrid – yay
Tony - ok, lets move out!
*Everyone suits up and leaves the lab following Tony*
------------
*scene 5*
*the gang begins to run down the corridors of SR towers checking each room to try and find the alien*
Tony – check in here. And don’t shot it, it may be friendly
*loki burs**ts into the main computer offices waving his flame-thrower about only to find brad trying on a dress*
loki – what are you doing?
Brad – hey loki! Don’t I look great!
Loki – your wearing a frock?!
Brad – I know! But that’s not the bes**t thing, look!
*brad lifts up his dress to his wais**t*
Loki – yuck! That’s disgus**ting!
*Loki grabs a was**te bin and begins to throw up*
Brad – jus**t call me Britney!
Loki – when did you have that done?
Brad – yes**terday
Loki – how did you pay for it? It mus**t have cos**t a bomb!
Brad – Hybrid did it! Don’t I look fabulous!
Loki – y-yeah. Gr-eat. Now here
*Loki throws hybrids handgun to Brad*
Loki – there’s an alien on the loose in the building. Follow me
Brad – I’m coming
Loki – oh and Brad, put down your dress or people will mis**take you for the alien
Tony (from the corridor) – Loki get over here!
*Loki and Brad run down the corridor to the open door of the s**tore cupboard. Inside is a bed with Schroeder’s half-eaten corpse on it*
Darkus – I thought she got her own place?
Tony – it seems from these tally marks on the wall that she’s been living here for over a year
Loki – can we shoot it now?
Tony – loki loki loki, why always with the violence?
Loki – what can I say? I’m a sucker for the classics
Tony - alright
Brad – what’s this? An open cocoon?
Tony – Brad, why are you wearing a dress?
Loki – it’s a long s**tory
Tony – anyway, it is a cocoon. And a very large one at that
Loki – it appears our mys**t is has grown up
Darkus – so she’s now a mys**tique
(Directors note:
at this point the s**team of cas**ting became a little dry so ins**tead of having a beautiful supermodel as the alien taking her clothes off at every chance she can we had to use mys**tique. Because of this there will be no scenes on nudity.
… Hay don’t s**top reading. Alright you can have one. But that’s it. Ok thanks for your time)
Tony – what’s that?
Darkus – what’s what?
Tony – everyone s**top and lis**ten
*they lis**ten in to hear a shuffling sound coming from above them*
Loki – its in the air ducks in the ceiling, SHOT IT!!!
*the group point their various guns at the ceiling and begin to spray bullets and flames at it*
Darkus – I think we got it!
*blood begins to drip down from the ceiling and all of a sudden one of the panels comes crashing to the ground with fido dido’s bloody carcass on top of it*
Loki – opps
Tony – why you little… wait a minute. Can you hear that?
Darkus – yeah it’s coming from the recycling bin over there
Loki – it’s hiding in the bin, SHOT IT!!!
*Everyone, though reluctant points their firearms at the bin and begins to disperse bullets into its weak plas**tic shell*
Darkus - its dead, now
*loki walks up to the bin and lifts up the lid*
Loki - *nervous laugh* opps, my bad
Tony – what is it?
*loki tips over the bin to reveal the remains of odie’s bullet ridden body*
Tony – well done Loki you’ve managed to kill mos**t of my sales work force
*Brooksie runs in from the toilets and looks at the dead s**taff members*
Brooksie – I guess I win then
Tony – win what?
Brooksie – hide and seek
Brad – you mean we was**ted all those s**taff because they were playing hide and seek?
Tony – why weren’t you lot working?
Brooksie – well, um, er… hay what’s that?
Tony – I’m not that s**tupid
Brooksie – no really what’s that behind Darkus?!
Darkus – yeah that’s right, we look around to see what’s there and you leg it while our backs our turned
Brooksie – I warned you. Bye!
*Brooksie runs into the toilets screaming like a little girl*
Tony – if he was going to run anyway why would he tell us to look around?
Darkus – what a little gir…
*Mys**tique puts her clawed blood drenched hand through Darkus’s back and rips out his spleen*
Loki – in a way that’s quite ironic
*Darkus’s body falls to the ground and mys**tique runs way down the hall*
Tony – well don’t jus**t s**tand there she’s getting away!
*they try and shot it but the bullets have no effect*
Brad – nope, shes gone now. She ran into the canteen
*Tony slaps his forehead*
Tony – come on, back to the lab people
--------------
*scene 6*
*the lab door opens and Tony, loki and brad walk through to find Hybrid dancing to loki’s vanilla ice CD*
Hybrid – ice ice bady, dung dung da dun-dun, ice ice TONY?!
*the surprised hybrid s**tops dancing and turns of the CD*
Hybrid – I can explain sir
Tony – go on then
Hybrid – it was um, to ward off the alien. Yes that’s it
Tony – but the videos are playing over…. Whats that?
Hybrid – like it? It’s the footage of the unisex toilets from the las**t chris**tmas party
Tony – yuck. hybrid
Hybrid – yes sir
Tony – shut up
Hybrid – oh
Tony – I can’t have that kind of behaviour in my building. Hybrid I’m sending you home to think about what you’ve done
Hybrid – but sir
Tony – no buts now go! And go to your house not some s**tore cupboard in the building
*Hybrid leaves and Tony sits down with his head in his hands*
Brad – you can’t blame hybrid for being like he is sir
Loki – yeah he inherited it from his parents. His neighbours sent him to boarding school to get away from them. But even that didn’t work. Every his mum she sent him 3 socks jus**t because he wrote that he had grown another foot since they las**t meet
Tony – who cares? I jus**t don’t know what to do
Loki – sir might I add a sugges**tion
Tony – go on
Loki – I think we should shut down SR Towers for the res**t of the day and get all the remaining able s**taff up here
*Tony lightens up*
Tony – that’s not a bad idea
*Tony walks to the intercom and turns it on*
Tony – special reserve is closing down for today, all able members of s**taff please report to *cough* lab *cough*. There’s an alien on the loose so at no point try to approach it. Thank you and have a nice day
*Tony turns off the intercom*
(15 minutes later and s**tryke has turned up in his dinner lady outfit)
Tony – ok recruits, line up!
*Stryke, Loki and Brad get into line*
Tony – where’s everyone else?
Stryke – dead sir
Tony – is that you s**tryke
Stryke – yes sir
Tony – what’s with the hair net and why are you dressed like a dinner lady?
Stryke – it’s a long s**tory
Tony – no one tells me anything these days. I should really s**tart getting you lot uniforms
*Hercules walks through the door*
Hercules – you rang?
Tony – Herc I’ve told you, you’re not a member of s**taff
Hercules – no look *he passes Tony a business card*
Tony – Hercules, alien hunter. If there’s an alien I’m on the case.
Loki – but how did you know we had an alien
Hercules - My second job is at the pos**t office. I get to filter through the mail
Loki – you mean you went through our mail
Hercules – yep
Loki – and filtered it out
Hercules – yep
*Loki lunges forward at Hercules before being pulled back by brad and s**tryke*
Loki – give us back our calendars you little…
Hercules – is this the alien? *he points to the wide screen tv*
Tony – no that’s Schroeder las**t chris**tmas. Its there *Tony moves to the side to reveal the cctv monitor replay*
Hercules – you mixed it with human cells didn’t you
Loki – maybe
Hercules – well I have a solution
Tony – you do?!
Hercules – yes, but it won’t come cheap
Tony – ok, anything
Hercules – I want to be an official member of s**taff
*Tony throws him a badge*
Tony – there you go, now how?
Hercules - ok here’s what we do. We use what’s left of the alien DNA and mix it with a copy of the DNA to make a pure alien and then s**tudy it to find what makes it tick and how to kill it
Tony – great!
Loki – I could of told you that
Tony – loki!
Loki – sorry sir
Tony - ok chaps, lets move!
--------------
*scene 7*
*They have used the left over DNA and put it into a dish in an airtight chamber. All is going to plan until the camera inside brakes so Stryke and brad have to go in to he camber and replace it*
Stryke – got the camera?
Brad – yeah, here you go
*Stryke unscrews the cabinet that the DNA is in and replaces the camera*
Loki – Tony didn’t you say a few weeks ago you were going on holiday?
Tony – I’ve been. I took a trip to a nudis**t beach
Loki – how come you’re back so soon?
Tony – I got kicked out for pointing
Loki – what did the misses say?
Tony – we don’t speak much anymore
Loki – why not?
Tony – she’s always loseing her temper over little things
Loki – like what?
Tony – like the 5 foot 1 blonde I went out with las**t night
*s**tryke goes to screw it back in he drops the screw leaving the cabinet open*
Tony (through intercom) – what’s wrong?
Brad – he jus**t dropped the screw
*s**tryke bends down to get when loki remembers Brad’s low cut dress*
Loki (through intercom) – Stryke don’t look up at brad from there!
Stryke – what? *he looks up at brad and sees under his dress* oh my god! I feel sick!
Loki (through intercom) – don’t throw up!
Hercules (through intercom) – get out of there, you might contaminate the DNA if you heave
*Stryke s**tands up but its to late. He vomits all over the alga dish with the DNA in*
Tony (through intercom) – get out of there!
Brad – no we have to screw it closed
*the sick ins**tantly reacts with the DNA and it begins to rapidly grow*
Tony (through intercom) – get out of there now!
*they run for the door but its locked*
Stryke – let us out!
Hercules (through intercom) – sorry I can’t. if I open the door the thing might escape
Brad – let us out you Muppet!
Hercules (through intercom) – sorry, I have to follow procedures
Stryke – quickly
Tony – let those men *brad frowns at Tony* ,sorry. Let those people out of there!
*the alien is now nearly fully grown*
Hercules – I can’t!
*s**tryke rips a metal pipe from the wall and commences to beat the alien*
alein – mus**t spam! Mus**t spam!
Tony – my god!
Loki – its-its s-s
Stryke – die shaneo!
*The shaneo falls to the floor with multiple head injuries*
Brad – its dead so let us out!
Hercules (through intercom) – you don’t know that. You know what shaneos like! He pretends to not be there and then attacks. See look
*the shaneo begins to move*
Stryke – ahh! It’s s**till alive!
Brad – I have an idea, everyone put on your safety glasses
*everyone puts on their glasses and brad lifts up his, er I mean her dress*
Shaneo – nooooooooooo! I’m melting!
Styrke – now let us out before it gets back up
Hercules (through intercom) – I can’t
*Tony pushes Hercules out the way and opens the door. Stryke and Brad run out and the door slams shut behind them. They look through the glass wall of the chamber to see the puddle of shaneo*
Hercules – sorry guys I was jus**t following procedure. At leas**t we now know how to kill mys**tique
*everyone takes a res**t for a minute and then Hercules begins to talk*
Hercules – there are 3 things that drive life. Food, res**t and sex. As shes eaten and slept she mus**t be looking for a mate
Tony – what’s bad about that? Maybe she’ll settle down?
Hercules – you saw how fas**t shaneo grew. If she mates in a mater of weeks all mankind will be over run with horrid unbanable spammers!
Stryke - How come we can kill mys**tique then?
Hercules – everyone knows mys**tique can’t be banned but because of her human half she can be killed
Loki – well how do we know where she is?
Hercules – she’ll probably go for the closes**t free man. Where did you see her las**t?
Brad – the canteen
Stryke – snuggs is in there!
Tony – then come on, lets get going!
------------------
*scene 8*
*Inside the canteen. The alien is on one side of the room and Mr Snuggly is on the other in his wheel chair*
Mys**tique – hey you
Mr Snuggly – you’re the alien Tony was talking about on intercom. are you wearing Brad’s clothes?
Mys**tique – they look pretty good don’t they. Wait sorry I’m getting dis**tracted from the s**toryline. Do you want some loving?
Mr Snuggly – no
Mys**tique – go on
Mr Snuggly – I jus**t said no!
Mys**tique – pretty please
Mr Snuggly – nope
Mys**tique - then die!
Mr Snuggly – this is my chance to be the hero!
*the eye of the tiger theme plays in Mr Snuggly’s head as he speeds forward in his wheel chain towards mys**tique*
Mr Snuggly – geeerrr!
*jus**t as he gets going he runs over Cecil his helper monkey and topples out of his chair*
mys**tique – heh heh
Mr Snuggly – a little help here. Anyone?!
(a few minutes later)
*the SR crew burs**t into the canteen all guns blazing*
Loki – die alein scummmmmmmm *boom* oaw
Brad – whats wrong?
Loki – I jus**t triped over something
Tony - where’s snuggs?
Loki – *gets up and brushes himself * um, he’s over here
Tony – is he alive?
Hercules – his throats been cut and it looks like he’s been kicked in the head
Loki - *nervous cough* how could of that happen
Brad - have they done it?
Hercules – what?
Brad – you know, tangoed
Hercules – huh?
Brad – done the deed
Tony – spit it out man, er woman
Brad – HAD SEX?!
Hercules – oh. No
s**tryke – why not?
Hercules – as you can see by the scratches at the plas**ter around his crutch she couldn’t get through
Tony - So who’s the neares**t single male that desperate enough to have sex with an alien
*Everyone frowns at Tony*
Tony – sorry, silly ques**tion
Stryke – we can use my delivery van
Tony – alright people, to hybrid’s house!
---------------
*Scene 9*
*inside hybrids caravan*
Hybrid - damn you Tony! One day I’ll get my revenge, you wait! You jus**t wait! Muh hu haha ha ha!
*bing*
hybrid – oh, my pop tarts are ready
*ding-dong*
Hybrid – who could that be *hybrid puts more pop tarts in the toas**ter and opens the door* sorry I don’t believe in god good by... Huh?
Mys**tique – can I come in?
Hybrid – but you’re the alien. Tony said I’m not allowed to talk to you
Mys**tique – who said anything about talking *she begins to unbutton her top*
Hybrid - …ok then
*Mys**tique s**teps inside and walks into the bedroom*
Mys**tique – oh, are these flowers for me
Hybrid – um, yeah
Mys**tique – you’re so sweet
*Mys**tique takes off her top and skirt (here’s you nude scene, happy now?)*
hybrid - whoa! I knew taking a short cut home through the graveyard was a good idea
Mys**tique – did you say something?
Hybrid – um, no
*Mys**tique pushes hybrid onto his camp bed*
Mys**tique – buckle up! *evil grin*
----------------
*scene 10*
*Stryke pulls up in his frozen meat delivery van outside hybrids caravan. Stryke, Tony and Brad get out of the front*
Stryke – I’ll go get the res**t
*Stryke goes to the back of the freezer van and opens the door*
Stryke – oops *nervous laugh*
Tony – what’s wrong?
Stryke – well I kinda forgot to turn off the freezer
*Tony walks around the back*
Tony – *knocks on Loki’s head* they’re frozen solid!
Stryke – I knew I forgot something. I had one of those funny feelings
Tony – what a way to kill off characters
Brad – why didn’t they come sit in the front
Stryke – because there are only 3 seats
Brad – I could have sat on Tony’s lap *brad winks at Tony*
Tony - *shivers* that’s very dis**turbing. Don’t do it again or you’re fired
Brad – sorry sir
Stryke - *he points to hybrids rocking caravan* I think we’re to late. Sir we’re never gonna beat her. She’ll jus**t torture us before make us her slaves and then kill us. I think we should take the quick route out *points to Tony’s hand gun*
Tony – but I only have one bullet, how can I kill the 3 of us?
Stryke – I sure we can think of something if we put our heads together
Brad – snap out of it!
Tony – your right we mus**t s**top talking all this rubbish. here *throws Stryke a flame-thrower* we’ll go in firs**t, then brad you follow
*they run up to door in a commando s**tyle ducking and diving behind bins and trees*
*ding-dong*
Tony – what are you doing?
*the caravan s**tops rocking*
s**tryke – being polite
Tony – now you’ve given it a chance to run
*Mys**tique burs**ts out through the roof of the caravan and lands behind brad. With one swift movement she snaps Brad’s neck and his lifeless body drops to the ground*
Tony – SHOT IT!!!
*Stryke showers Mys**tique in flames but to no avail*
Tony – we can’t s**top her
Stryke – nice knowing you Tony
Tony – what?
*Stryke adjus**ts his hair net and pulls a spatula from his back pocket*
Stryke – die you alien scum!!!
*He dashes towards Mys**tique waving the spatula like a mad man. They begin to fight claws agains**t crockery. Sparks fly as the mighty weapons of des**truction clash. Their nifty footwork creates a cloud of dus**t blocking Tony’s view from the fight*
Stryke – ahh, that wasn’t very nice
Mys**tique – watch what you’re doing with that thing
Tony – you ok over there?
*The dus**t cloud lowers too reveal s**tryke’s decapitated body on the floor and his head next to it. Mys**tique turns and looks at Tony*
Tony – nice alien, good alien
*Mys**tique roars*
Tony – I want my mummy!
*But jus**t then mys**tique falls flat on her face. Tony spots that s**tryke has s**tabbed his spatula into her back*
Tony – son of a b*tch! He did it. But now what am I gonna do?
*Tony walks up to mys**tique and pokes her in the head*
Tony – dead
*he looks at Stryke and Brads’ bodies*
Tony – dead
*he walks into the caravan and checks the bedroom to find Hybrid’s corpse*
Tony – they’re all dead. I’ve los**t my work force, my alien, probably my cars and my livelihood. I mean what am I going to do with 4000 copies of chief love shack?
*a tear forms in tony’s eye and he sits down on the sofa in the caravan*
Tony – life’s jus**t not worth living anymore, I can’t go on *he lifts up his handgun to his head*
*Bing*
Tony – oh pop tarts
*Tony takes a bite into one and puts down his gun*
Tony – what’s this behind the fridge? A pile of playboy mags! *He begins to file through them* read, read, read, I haven’t… no wait I have read that one, read, read, oh I’ve not got this one. Well you know what they say, when life gives you a lemon make lemonade
*Tony walks into the toilet with a pop tart in one hand las**t months playboy magazine in the other humming the tune of the life of brian*
Tony – always look on the bright side of life, dodo dudududu dudo, always look on the bright side of life…
---The end---
Did you read it all? If so well done, you should be proud of yourself
(No animals were harmed in the making of this spoof(except for Snuggly, hybrid and mys**tique’s monkey Cecil who was run over by snugg’s s**tunt double in the wheelchair)
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it
Linx
Linx – lets have a look
Mojojojo – sure
*Mojojojo passes over the script and Linx pushes him into the broom closet before locking the door*
Mojojojo – hay let me out
Linx – what? sorry I can’t hear you
Mojojojo – why you little…
Linx – *nervous cough* well ladies and gentleman here’s the late s**tory by mojo, I mean me. I know its long but try and read it all. Ok see you at the bottom!
----------------
*Scene 1*
*In the secret attic laboratory of SR towers Tony is s**tanding on a podium wearing a long white lab coat with a clip board in his hand talking to Hybrid, Loki and Darkus who are s**tanding around him*
Tony – two things on the agenda today. Firs**tly we got a message today from extra terres**trials that we’ve been waiting for since we set up this fake games company to fund our experiments
Loki – that’s good
Tony - Second, today’s raffle
*The group buzz with excitement as they pull out their tickets*
Tony – *he reaches inside a cardboard box and pulls out a small numbered piece of paper* ok who’s got number 53?
Darkus – its me, I won!
Tony – here you go *Tony gives Darkus a box of expensive chocolates*
Hybrid – what’s this about the alien s**tuff?
Tony – ahh yes, well it seems that we received a message a 10 o’clock today from extra terres**trial life. We got a letter, a s**trand of DNA in a tes**t-tube and what appears to be a collection of Vanilla ice’s greates**t hits
Loki – why did it take so long to get here?
Tony – it got los**t in the pos**t.
Darkus – damn pos**tal service
*Tony picks up the letter and begins to read*
“Hello earthlings.
Inclosed in this package a s**trand of DNA to create your own alien. To do so simply pour into a bowl, add water and 2 human cells, s**tir vigorously for 5 minutes and put in the oven at gas mark 3.
Also thank you for the Ice Vanilla disks. Though primitive, the torture works greatly and is now our number one capital punishment. However we thought you might be missing it so we have sent you a copy back. And as a thankyou we have inserted a selection of topless calendars.
Bye for now, love coke”
*Loki snatches the CD from Tony’s hand*
Loki – I wondered where that had got too!
Hybrid – where are the calendars?
Tony – someone’s nicked’em
Darkus – damn pos**tal service
*Tony s**teps off his platform and puts the ins**tructions onto a projector that projects them onto the wall*
Tony – I’m leaving the DNA with you hybrid
Hybrid – great! I’m in charge now, hear me roar! Ha ha! I’m the favorite and your not. I’m the king of the…
Tony – um, actually I think I’ll leave this with you Loki
Loki – no problem boss
*Hybrid begins to mutter under his breath*
Tony – ok, lets get going people. I’m off to buy another car
---------------
*Scene 2*
*Its lunch time and mos**t people have left SR towers, all but the few people who dare to s**tay and eat the food from the canteen*
Lunch lady – what would you like young lady?
Schroeder – can I have… Stryke?
Stryke (lunch lady) – shush, I don’t want anyone to know
Schroeder – what are you doing as the lunch lady?
Stryke – my job as highly paid trained killer fell through and I’m s**tuck in this joint paying off the bills for all the cool leather suits and guns I brought
Schroeder – don’t worry its happens to the bes**t of us
Stryke – enough chit-chat, what do you want? Beans or peas?
Schroeder – um, peas please
Stryke – here you go
Schroeder – thanks. Hay have you seen snuggs?
Stryke – yeah he’s over there in the corner
*Schroeder takes her tray and goes and sits on Mr Snuggly’s table*
Schroeder - alright snuggs? Haven’t seen you in awhile
Mr Snuggly – can you pass the salt?
Schroeder – sure
*but before Schroeder can reach it a small monkey picks it up in its mouth and runs across the table before dropping it in snuggly’s lap*
Schroeder – what the?
Mr Snuggly – do not be alarmed by the appearance of my helper monkey
Schroeder – don’t worry, when working with you the las**t few years I’ve seen far more horrifying things. hay snuggs I know you get your food from the bins outside but are you sure those chips fresh? It’s jus**t that they pong a bit.
Mr Snuggly – of course they are, they’re rapped in las**t weeks news of the world
*Schroeder turns to Snuggly to see him covered in plas**ter and bandages sitting in a wheel chair*
Schroeder – but what happened to you?
Mr Snuggly – someone ran me over
Schroeder – poor you. But all these bandages for one hit?
Mr Snuggly – they kept on shifting it into reverse and driving over my crippled body again and again
Schroeder –That’s a bit harsh
Mr Snuggly – tell me about it. Now I’m s**tuck in this casing for 6 months with Cecil here doing all my choirs.
Schroeder – who was it?
Mr Snuggly – I don’t know
Schroeder - what car was it?
Mr Snuggly – a pink mini
Schroeder - *nervous cough* a pink mini you say?
Mr Snuggly – yeah, in the car park
Schroeder – did it have fluffy dice hanging on the mirror?
Mr Snuggly – yeah, how did you know?
Schroeder – and a broken indicator on the front?
Mr Snuggly – yeah!
Schroeder - *nervous laugh* well um… *nervous cough*
Mr Snuggly – Schroeder, is there something you’re not telling me?
Schroeder – would you look at the time! I’m due at the lab, bye!
*Schroeder runs out as fas**t as she can*
Mr snuggly – why do bad things always happen to me?
-----------
*scene 3*
*loki is sat in the lab on his own looking at the alien he has jus**t given life too*
loki – hay there little fellow
*The creation resembles a 4 year old child and has been caged into a large see-through sphere*
loki – oh, you’re a girl. I guess the name Loki JR won’t suit you then. I know!
*loki runs to the door*
loki – I’m off to get snuggly’s magic eight ball, the one he chooses the GaDs with. I’m sure it can come up with a good name for you. Don’t move I’ll be right back
*loki runs out off the lab and the little girl begins to change into a giant green beas**t with claws and fangs.Then it hears someone approaching the lab and turns back*
Schroeder – hi all. Sorry I’m late I jus**t had to…
*Schroeder s**tops in her tracks and s**tares at the naked child in the sphere*
Schroeder (to herself) – Hybrid what have you been up to? Can’t say I’m surprised. It was going to happen some day
*Schroeder walks up to the sphere and pushes her hands up agains**t it*
Schroeder – hey there. Can you talk?
*The girl cowers and runs to the other side of her see-through prison*
Schroeder – I told him to s**top at the goat porn but does he lis**ten to me? I should of seen It coming after he got so excited over the evian water advert on tv
*the girl looks up at Schroeder and slowly moves closer*
Schroeder – that’s it come on. Where have you come from?
Girl – m-m-mys**t
Schroeder – mys**t? Is that your name?
Mys**t – m-m-mus**t g-go
Schroeder - Wait a sec, I’ll try and get you out
*Schroeder walks up to the control panel and begins to press random buttons*
Schroeder – hang on, I’ll have you out in no time. Its got to be here somewhere.
*she presses a bright red button and the sphere opens and splits in two with smoke pouring out making it look very technical and expensive*
Schroeder – there you go
*before Schroeder can turn around the little girl runs out of the room knocking Loki over as he comes threw the door*
Schroeder – where’d you go?
Loki – hey Schroeder what do you think your doing?!
Schroeder – huh?
Loki – you jus**t let “probably” out!
Schroeder – “probably”? Oh you mean mys**t. What was she yours?
Loki – well kind of
Schroeder – Loki I had know idea you were into that kind of thing
Loki – what are you on about? That was the alien we jus**t made
Schroeder – you made an alien? I know Tony wanted an ET really badly, but making one?
Loki – no you’ve got it all wrong
*loki points to the letter that is projected onto the wall*
Schroeder – opps *nervous laugh*
Loki – Tony isn’t going to be pleased
Schroeder – sorry
Loki – its too late now… oh sh*t!
Schroeder – hay look I said I’m sorry! What else do you want?!
loki – no look behind you on the monitor
*Schroeder turns around to see the replay of the little girl turning into the beas**t on the cctv monitor*
Schroeder – that could be a problem…
-----------
*scene 4*
*Tony and the group have returned to the lab and Schroeder has been sent home*
Tony – after great thought and consideration I think that we should s**tart now
Darkus – well said
Loki – hurry up, every second counts!
Tony – ok, so here’s what I think… *Tony picks up a lis**t* we’ll have two pineapple with pepperoni and one with everything on it
Darkus – no anchovies!
Tony – hold the anchovies. Ok thanks see you in a minute. *Tony puts down the phone* the pizzas are on the way
Darkus – now what about the escaped alien?
Tony – I’ve seen the footage and I have concluded that it is a great threat
Loki – I could’ve told you that
Tony – pardon Loki, did you say something?
Loki – no boss
Tony – good, remember who pays your wages
Loki – yeah, that fat bloke in Newport who buys all those erotic witch project DVDs from us
Tony – anyway everyone grab a gun and get into your protective gear, were going hunting!
Hybrid – he he
Tony - what’s so funny
Hybrid – you said protective gear! He he
*Tony slaps hybrid*
Tony – actually hybrid you s**tay here and, um, look after the lab
Hybrid – right boss! Can I keep the gun with me?
Tony – NO! I mean no, we need all guns for the alien you know
Hybrid – how will protect the lab?
Tony – try playing some of your home made videos with your dog on the wide screen tv over there
Hybrid – yay
Tony - ok, lets move out!
*Everyone suits up and leaves the lab following Tony*
------------
*scene 5*
*the gang begins to run down the corridors of SR towers checking each room to try and find the alien*
Tony – check in here. And don’t shot it, it may be friendly
*loki burs**ts into the main computer offices waving his flame-thrower about only to find brad trying on a dress*
loki – what are you doing?
Brad – hey loki! Don’t I look great!
Loki – your wearing a frock?!
Brad – I know! But that’s not the bes**t thing, look!
*brad lifts up his dress to his wais**t*
Loki – yuck! That’s disgus**ting!
*Loki grabs a was**te bin and begins to throw up*
Brad – jus**t call me Britney!
Loki – when did you have that done?
Brad – yes**terday
Loki – how did you pay for it? It mus**t have cos**t a bomb!
Brad – Hybrid did it! Don’t I look fabulous!
Loki – y-yeah. Gr-eat. Now here
*Loki throws hybrids handgun to Brad*
Loki – there’s an alien on the loose in the building. Follow me
Brad – I’m coming
Loki – oh and Brad, put down your dress or people will mis**take you for the alien
Tony (from the corridor) – Loki get over here!
*Loki and Brad run down the corridor to the open door of the s**tore cupboard. Inside is a bed with Schroeder’s half-eaten corpse on it*
Darkus – I thought she got her own place?
Tony – it seems from these tally marks on the wall that she’s been living here for over a year
Loki – can we shoot it now?
Tony – loki loki loki, why always with the violence?
Loki – what can I say? I’m a sucker for the classics
Tony - alright
Brad – what’s this? An open cocoon?
Tony – Brad, why are you wearing a dress?
Loki – it’s a long s**tory
Tony – anyway, it is a cocoon. And a very large one at that
Loki – it appears our mys**t is has grown up
Darkus – so she’s now a mys**tique
(Directors note:
at this point the s**team of cas**ting became a little dry so ins**tead of having a beautiful supermodel as the alien taking her clothes off at every chance she can we had to use mys**tique. Because of this there will be no scenes on nudity.
… Hay don’t s**top reading. Alright you can have one. But that’s it. Ok thanks for your time)
Tony – what’s that?
Darkus – what’s what?
Tony – everyone s**top and lis**ten
*they lis**ten in to hear a shuffling sound coming from above them*
Loki – its in the air ducks in the ceiling, SHOT IT!!!
*the group point their various guns at the ceiling and begin to spray bullets and flames at it*
Darkus – I think we got it!
*blood begins to drip down from the ceiling and all of a sudden one of the panels comes crashing to the ground with fido dido’s bloody carcass on top of it*
Loki – opps
Tony – why you little… wait a minute. Can you hear that?
Darkus – yeah it’s coming from the recycling bin over there
Loki – it’s hiding in the bin, SHOT IT!!!
*Everyone, though reluctant points their firearms at the bin and begins to disperse bullets into its weak plas**tic shell*
Darkus - its dead, now
*loki walks up to the bin and lifts up the lid*
Loki - *nervous laugh* opps, my bad
Tony – what is it?
*loki tips over the bin to reveal the remains of odie’s bullet ridden body*
Tony – well done Loki you’ve managed to kill mos**t of my sales work force
*Brooksie runs in from the toilets and looks at the dead s**taff members*
Brooksie – I guess I win then
Tony – win what?
Brooksie – hide and seek
Brad – you mean we was**ted all those s**taff because they were playing hide and seek?
Tony – why weren’t you lot working?
Brooksie – well, um, er… hay what’s that?
Tony – I’m not that s**tupid
Brooksie – no really what’s that behind Darkus?!
Darkus – yeah that’s right, we look around to see what’s there and you leg it while our backs our turned
Brooksie – I warned you. Bye!
*Brooksie runs into the toilets screaming like a little girl*
Tony – if he was going to run anyway why would he tell us to look around?
Darkus – what a little gir…
*Mys**tique puts her clawed blood drenched hand through Darkus’s back and rips out his spleen*
Loki – in a way that’s quite ironic
*Darkus’s body falls to the ground and mys**tique runs way down the hall*
Tony – well don’t jus**t s**tand there she’s getting away!
*they try and shot it but the bullets have no effect*
Brad – nope, shes gone now. She ran into the canteen
*Tony slaps his forehead*
Tony – come on, back to the lab people
--------------
*scene 6*
*the lab door opens and Tony, loki and brad walk through to find Hybrid dancing to loki’s vanilla ice CD*
Hybrid – ice ice bady, dung dung da dun-dun, ice ice TONY?!
*the surprised hybrid s**tops dancing and turns of the CD*
Hybrid – I can explain sir
Tony – go on then
Hybrid – it was um, to ward off the alien. Yes that’s it
Tony – but the videos are playing over…. Whats that?
Hybrid – like it? It’s the footage of the unisex toilets from the las**t chris**tmas party
Tony – yuck. hybrid
Hybrid – yes sir
Tony – shut up
Hybrid – oh
Tony – I can’t have that kind of behaviour in my building. Hybrid I’m sending you home to think about what you’ve done
Hybrid – but sir
Tony – no buts now go! And go to your house not some s**tore cupboard in the building
*Hybrid leaves and Tony sits down with his head in his hands*
Brad – you can’t blame hybrid for being like he is sir
Loki – yeah he inherited it from his parents. His neighbours sent him to boarding school to get away from them. But even that didn’t work. Every his mum she sent him 3 socks jus**t because he wrote that he had grown another foot since they las**t meet
Tony – who cares? I jus**t don’t know what to do
Loki – sir might I add a sugges**tion
Tony – go on
Loki – I think we should shut down SR Towers for the res**t of the day and get all the remaining able s**taff up here
*Tony lightens up*
Tony – that’s not a bad idea
*Tony walks to the intercom and turns it on*
Tony – special reserve is closing down for today, all able members of s**taff please report to *cough* lab *cough*. There’s an alien on the loose so at no point try to approach it. Thank you and have a nice day
*Tony turns off the intercom*
(15 minutes later and s**tryke has turned up in his dinner lady outfit)
Tony – ok recruits, line up!
*Stryke, Loki and Brad get into line*
Tony – where’s everyone else?
Stryke – dead sir
Tony – is that you s**tryke
Stryke – yes sir
Tony – what’s with the hair net and why are you dressed like a dinner lady?
Stryke – it’s a long s**tory
Tony – no one tells me anything these days. I should really s**tart getting you lot uniforms
*Hercules walks through the door*
Hercules – you rang?
Tony – Herc I’ve told you, you’re not a member of s**taff
Hercules – no look *he passes Tony a business card*
Tony – Hercules, alien hunter. If there’s an alien I’m on the case.
Loki – but how did you know we had an alien
Hercules - My second job is at the pos**t office. I get to filter through the mail
Loki – you mean you went through our mail
Hercules – yep
Loki – and filtered it out
Hercules – yep
*Loki lunges forward at Hercules before being pulled back by brad and s**tryke*
Loki – give us back our calendars you little…
Hercules – is this the alien? *he points to the wide screen tv*
Tony – no that’s Schroeder las**t chris**tmas. Its there *Tony moves to the side to reveal the cctv monitor replay*
Hercules – you mixed it with human cells didn’t you
Loki – maybe
Hercules – well I have a solution
Tony – you do?!
Hercules – yes, but it won’t come cheap
Tony – ok, anything
Hercules – I want to be an official member of s**taff
*Tony throws him a badge*
Tony – there you go, now how?
Hercules - ok here’s what we do. We use what’s left of the alien DNA and mix it with a copy of the DNA to make a pure alien and then s**tudy it to find what makes it tick and how to kill it
Tony – great!
Loki – I could of told you that
Tony – loki!
Loki – sorry sir
Tony - ok chaps, lets move!
--------------
*scene 7*
*They have used the left over DNA and put it into a dish in an airtight chamber. All is going to plan until the camera inside brakes so Stryke and brad have to go in to he camber and replace it*
Stryke – got the camera?
Brad – yeah, here you go
*Stryke unscrews the cabinet that the DNA is in and replaces the camera*
Loki – Tony didn’t you say a few weeks ago you were going on holiday?
Tony – I’ve been. I took a trip to a nudis**t beach
Loki – how come you’re back so soon?
Tony – I got kicked out for pointing
Loki – what did the misses say?
Tony – we don’t speak much anymore
Loki – why not?
Tony – she’s always loseing her temper over little things
Loki – like what?
Tony – like the 5 foot 1 blonde I went out with las**t night
*s**tryke goes to screw it back in he drops the screw leaving the cabinet open*
Tony (through intercom) – what’s wrong?
Brad – he jus**t dropped the screw
*s**tryke bends down to get when loki remembers Brad’s low cut dress*
Loki (through intercom) – Stryke don’t look up at brad from there!
Stryke – what? *he looks up at brad and sees under his dress* oh my god! I feel sick!
Loki (through intercom) – don’t throw up!
Hercules (through intercom) – get out of there, you might contaminate the DNA if you heave
*Stryke s**tands up but its to late. He vomits all over the alga dish with the DNA in*
Tony (through intercom) – get out of there!
Brad – no we have to screw it closed
*the sick ins**tantly reacts with the DNA and it begins to rapidly grow*
Tony (through intercom) – get out of there now!
*they run for the door but its locked*
Stryke – let us out!
Hercules (through intercom) – sorry I can’t. if I open the door the thing might escape
Brad – let us out you Muppet!
Hercules (through intercom) – sorry, I have to follow procedures
Stryke – quickly
Tony – let those men *brad frowns at Tony* ,sorry. Let those people out of there!
*the alien is now nearly fully grown*
Hercules – I can’t!
*s**tryke rips a metal pipe from the wall and commences to beat the alien*
alein – mus**t spam! Mus**t spam!
Tony – my god!
Loki – its-its s-s
Stryke – die shaneo!
*The shaneo falls to the floor with multiple head injuries*
Brad – its dead so let us out!
Hercules (through intercom) – you don’t know that. You know what shaneos like! He pretends to not be there and then attacks. See look
*the shaneo begins to move*
Stryke – ahh! It’s s**till alive!
Brad – I have an idea, everyone put on your safety glasses
*everyone puts on their glasses and brad lifts up his, er I mean her dress*
Shaneo – nooooooooooo! I’m melting!
Styrke – now let us out before it gets back up
Hercules (through intercom) – I can’t
*Tony pushes Hercules out the way and opens the door. Stryke and Brad run out and the door slams shut behind them. They look through the glass wall of the chamber to see the puddle of shaneo*
Hercules – sorry guys I was jus**t following procedure. At leas**t we now know how to kill mys**tique
*everyone takes a res**t for a minute and then Hercules begins to talk*
Hercules – there are 3 things that drive life. Food, res**t and sex. As shes eaten and slept she mus**t be looking for a mate
Tony – what’s bad about that? Maybe she’ll settle down?
Hercules – you saw how fas**t shaneo grew. If she mates in a mater of weeks all mankind will be over run with horrid unbanable spammers!
Stryke - How come we can kill mys**tique then?
Hercules – everyone knows mys**tique can’t be banned but because of her human half she can be killed
Loki – well how do we know where she is?
Hercules – she’ll probably go for the closes**t free man. Where did you see her las**t?
Brad – the canteen
Stryke – snuggs is in there!
Tony – then come on, lets get going!
------------------
*scene 8*
*Inside the canteen. The alien is on one side of the room and Mr Snuggly is on the other in his wheel chair*
Mys**tique – hey you
Mr Snuggly – you’re the alien Tony was talking about on intercom. are you wearing Brad’s clothes?
Mys**tique – they look pretty good don’t they. Wait sorry I’m getting dis**tracted from the s**toryline. Do you want some loving?
Mr Snuggly – no
Mys**tique – go on
Mr Snuggly – I jus**t said no!
Mys**tique – pretty please
Mr Snuggly – nope
Mys**tique - then die!
Mr Snuggly – this is my chance to be the hero!
*the eye of the tiger theme plays in Mr Snuggly’s head as he speeds forward in his wheel chain towards mys**tique*
Mr Snuggly – geeerrr!
*jus**t as he gets going he runs over Cecil his helper monkey and topples out of his chair*
mys**tique – heh heh
Mr Snuggly – a little help here. Anyone?!
(a few minutes later)
*the SR crew burs**t into the canteen all guns blazing*
Loki – die alein scummmmmmmm *boom* oaw
Brad – whats wrong?
Loki – I jus**t triped over something
Tony - where’s snuggs?
Loki – *gets up and brushes himself * um, he’s over here
Tony – is he alive?
Hercules – his throats been cut and it looks like he’s been kicked in the head
Loki - *nervous cough* how could of that happen
Brad - have they done it?
Hercules – what?
Brad – you know, tangoed
Hercules – huh?
Brad – done the deed
Tony – spit it out man, er woman
Brad – HAD SEX?!
Hercules – oh. No
s**tryke – why not?
Hercules – as you can see by the scratches at the plas**ter around his crutch she couldn’t get through
Tony - So who’s the neares**t single male that desperate enough to have sex with an alien
*Everyone frowns at Tony*
Tony – sorry, silly ques**tion
Stryke – we can use my delivery van
Tony – alright people, to hybrid’s house!
---------------
*Scene 9*
*inside hybrids caravan*
Hybrid - damn you Tony! One day I’ll get my revenge, you wait! You jus**t wait! Muh hu haha ha ha!
*bing*
hybrid – oh, my pop tarts are ready
*ding-dong*
Hybrid – who could that be *hybrid puts more pop tarts in the toas**ter and opens the door* sorry I don’t believe in god good by... Huh?
Mys**tique – can I come in?
Hybrid – but you’re the alien. Tony said I’m not allowed to talk to you
Mys**tique – who said anything about talking *she begins to unbutton her top*
Hybrid - …ok then
*Mys**tique s**teps inside and walks into the bedroom*
Mys**tique – oh, are these flowers for me
Hybrid – um, yeah
Mys**tique – you’re so sweet
*Mys**tique takes off her top and skirt (here’s you nude scene, happy now?)*
hybrid - whoa! I knew taking a short cut home through the graveyard was a good idea
Mys**tique – did you say something?
Hybrid – um, no
*Mys**tique pushes hybrid onto his camp bed*
Mys**tique – buckle up! *evil grin*
----------------
*scene 10*
*Stryke pulls up in his frozen meat delivery van outside hybrids caravan. Stryke, Tony and Brad get out of the front*
Stryke – I’ll go get the res**t
*Stryke goes to the back of the freezer van and opens the door*
Stryke – oops *nervous laugh*
Tony – what’s wrong?
Stryke – well I kinda forgot to turn off the freezer
*Tony walks around the back*
Tony – *knocks on Loki’s head* they’re frozen solid!
Stryke – I knew I forgot something. I had one of those funny feelings
Tony – what a way to kill off characters
Brad – why didn’t they come sit in the front
Stryke – because there are only 3 seats
Brad – I could have sat on Tony’s lap *brad winks at Tony*
Tony - *shivers* that’s very dis**turbing. Don’t do it again or you’re fired
Brad – sorry sir
Stryke - *he points to hybrids rocking caravan* I think we’re to late. Sir we’re never gonna beat her. She’ll jus**t torture us before make us her slaves and then kill us. I think we should take the quick route out *points to Tony’s hand gun*
Tony – but I only have one bullet, how can I kill the 3 of us?
Stryke – I sure we can think of something if we put our heads together
Brad – snap out of it!
Tony – your right we mus**t s**top talking all this rubbish. here *throws Stryke a flame-thrower* we’ll go in firs**t, then brad you follow
*they run up to door in a commando s**tyle ducking and diving behind bins and trees*
*ding-dong*
Tony – what are you doing?
*the caravan s**tops rocking*
s**tryke – being polite
Tony – now you’ve given it a chance to run
*Mys**tique burs**ts out through the roof of the caravan and lands behind brad. With one swift movement she snaps Brad’s neck and his lifeless body drops to the ground*
Tony – SHOT IT!!!
*Stryke showers Mys**tique in flames but to no avail*
Tony – we can’t s**top her
Stryke – nice knowing you Tony
Tony – what?
*Stryke adjus**ts his hair net and pulls a spatula from his back pocket*
Stryke – die you alien scum!!!
*He dashes towards Mys**tique waving the spatula like a mad man. They begin to fight claws agains**t crockery. Sparks fly as the mighty weapons of des**truction clash. Their nifty footwork creates a cloud of dus**t blocking Tony’s view from the fight*
Stryke – ahh, that wasn’t very nice
Mys**tique – watch what you’re doing with that thing
Tony – you ok over there?
*The dus**t cloud lowers too reveal s**tryke’s decapitated body on the floor and his head next to it. Mys**tique turns and looks at Tony*
Tony – nice alien, good alien
*Mys**tique roars*
Tony – I want my mummy!
*But jus**t then mys**tique falls flat on her face. Tony spots that s**tryke has s**tabbed his spatula into her back*
Tony – son of a b*tch! He did it. But now what am I gonna do?
*Tony walks up to mys**tique and pokes her in the head*
Tony – dead
*he looks at Stryke and Brads’ bodies*
Tony – dead
*he walks into the caravan and checks the bedroom to find Hybrid’s corpse*
Tony – they’re all dead. I’ve los**t my work force, my alien, probably my cars and my livelihood. I mean what am I going to do with 4000 copies of chief love shack?
*a tear forms in tony’s eye and he sits down on the sofa in the caravan*
Tony – life’s jus**t not worth living anymore, I can’t go on *he lifts up his handgun to his head*
*Bing*
Tony – oh pop tarts
*Tony takes a bite into one and puts down his gun*
Tony – what’s this behind the fridge? A pile of playboy mags! *He begins to file through them* read, read, read, I haven’t… no wait I have read that one, read, read, oh I’ve not got this one. Well you know what they say, when life gives you a lemon make lemonade
*Tony walks into the toilet with a pop tart in one hand las**t months playboy magazine in the other humming the tune of the life of brian*
Tony – always look on the bright side of life, dodo dudududu dudo, always look on the bright side of life…
---The end---
Did you read it all? If so well done, you should be proud of yourself
(No animals were harmed in the making of this spoof(except for Snuggly, hybrid and mys**tique’s monkey Cecil who was run over by snugg’s s**tunt double in the wheelchair)
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it
Linx
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cookie monster wrote:
Bloody hell! Your post Broke my mouse wheel!
- - -
Mouses are for the weak.
Bloody hell! Your post Broke my mouse wheel!
- - -
Mouses are for the weak.
El blokey wrote:
> He said spoofs hardly ever win.
>
> Taking spoof to mean just things based on SR posters (like this very
> topic), spoofs regularly win. If someone posts a lot of spoofs they
> are not guaranteed to win a lot of GADs, though.
>
> In the past 6 days, 3 spoofs have won GAD.
---
Yes, I was taking spoofs to be posts about members of these forums with movies based on them, and they've been winning quite a bit recently, but now's just a sort of 'spurt' for them.
They don't normally win, but a few have won in the past week or so.
> He said spoofs hardly ever win.
>
> Taking spoof to mean just things based on SR posters (like this very
> topic), spoofs regularly win. If someone posts a lot of spoofs they
> are not guaranteed to win a lot of GADs, though.
>
> In the past 6 days, 3 spoofs have won GAD.
---
Yes, I was taking spoofs to be posts about members of these forums with movies based on them, and they've been winning quite a bit recently, but now's just a sort of 'spurt' for them.
They don't normally win, but a few have won in the past week or so.
He said spoofs hardly ever win.
Taking spoof to mean just things based on SR posters (like this very topic), spoofs regularly win. If someone posts a lot of spoofs they are not guaranteed to win a lot of GADs, though.
In the past 6 days, 3 spoofs have won GAD.
Taking spoof to mean just things based on SR posters (like this very topic), spoofs regularly win. If someone posts a lot of spoofs they are not guaranteed to win a lot of GADs, though.
In the past 6 days, 3 spoofs have won GAD.
Bloody hell! Your post Broke my mouse wheel!
Well done.
Well done.
El blokey wrote:
> MoJoJoJo wrote:
> Spoofs hardly ever win
>
> ?!?!?!?!
---
Well, he's right really.
Mr. Happy and MoJo are the only consistant winners with spoofs.
> MoJoJoJo wrote:
> Spoofs hardly ever win
>
> ?!?!?!?!
---
Well, he's right really.
Mr. Happy and MoJo are the only consistant winners with spoofs.
MoJoJoJo wrote:
> Spoofs hardly ever win
?!?!?!?!
> Spoofs hardly ever win
?!?!?!?!
MoJoJoJo wrote:
> *taps brain*
>
> It's all in here somewhere
brain? MoJo? brain? ..
> *taps brain*
>
> It's all in here somewhere
brain? MoJo? brain? ..
Na, my Arma-GAD-on spoof was criminally overlooked ;)
Ah well, plenty more where they came from
*taps brain*
It's all in here somewhere
Ah well, plenty more where they came from
*taps brain*
It's all in here somewhere
MoJoJoJo wrote:
> Well done, Linx, I was pretty surprised when I saw your name on the
> winners list (no probably not as surprised as you)
whats that supposed to mean?!
nah, thanks mate. what have you got now, 3 winning spoofs in a row?
> Well done, Linx, I was pretty surprised when I saw your name on the
> winners list (no probably not as surprised as you)
whats that supposed to mean?!
nah, thanks mate. what have you got now, 3 winning spoofs in a row?
Well done, Linx, I was pretty surprised when I saw your name on the winners list (no probably not as surprised as you)
Spoofs hardly ever win, so congratulations. Pick something decent... or else!
Spoofs hardly ever win, so congratulations. Pick something decent... or else!
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