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Tony - Every generation there is the layer- slayer! Sorry, I can't read without my glasses... OK, there's this slayer, right? And she kills newbies with a big stick. My company, Special Reserve, deals with these newbies as best we can, but since the last slayer got killed in a rather nasty accident involving a cement mixer, we need to call up the next one... Mystique
*Scene 1*
*Mystique is sat in school, looking bored, as the teacher waffles on about nothing of interest*
Teacher - So, Mystique, can you tell me the answer?
Mystique - No
Teacher - Well, aren't you even going to try?
Mystique - No
Teacher - (sighs) OK, how about you, Lord H?
*Lord H stops jumping up and down in his seat with his hand up*
Lord H - Miss, miss, it's 752, isn't it miss?
Teacher - Well done, H
Lord H - Hey! That's Lord H to you!
Mystique - Oh for goodness sake! This place sucks!
*Someone appears on the other side of the door, tapping on the glass. They open the door*
Mr Snuggly - Hi, I'm, um... Mystique's... dad, yeah, her dad. She has a dentist appointment
Teacher - Oh, OK, off you go Mystique
*Mystique joyfully jumps up from her seat and runs out the door. Snuggly leaves after her*
Teacher - Wait, that's not her dad! I met him at the last parent's evening and he made a pass at me! Oi! Come back 'ere!
*Scene 2*
*Walking through the car park, to Snuggly's car*
Mystique - Thanks for that. Just drop me off at the nearest pub
*They reach the car*
Mr Snuggly - I'm afraid we have other plans for you. Hop in
Mystique - What? This isn't a car, this is something you get free with your breakfast cereal!
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Please get in and stop making fun of my manhood- I mean car!
*They both climb in and Snuggly starts driving*
Mystique - You know I was always told never to go with strangers... but you're kinda cute
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. OK, Mystique, I'll level with you
Mystique - Ooh, sounds promising
Mr Snuggly - I'm Mr Snuggly, from SR
Mystique - (panicked) If this is about those GADs, I won them fair and square!
Mr Snuggly - No, no! I'm here to recruit you!
Mystique - Ah, need someone to pick the GADs now that you're knocking on a bit, eh?
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Now then, what I'm about to tell you is top secret, so don't go around texting all your friends
Mystique - (innocently) I won't
*She puts her phone back in her bag*
Mr Snuggly - OK, you see... the newbies have started, um, mutating into something rather nasty. It's been happening for a while. I mean, as soon as they reach regular status, some of them seem to turn into model users, but while they're newbies, they... well, they grow fangs, bite people, turn to dust when sunlight hits them, and they look rather ugly
Mystique - Sounds like my kind of guy. So they turn into vampires, right?
Mr Snuggly - Shush! You wanna get us sued?!
Mystique - You mean I can't say vampi-
Mr Snuggly - La la la la la la, I'm not listening!
Mystique - OK, OK. Why can't I say that word?
Mr Snuggly - It brings up a likeness to a certain other girl who kills demons. We have infringement to worry about
Mystique - Aaaahhh... So why do they turn to dust when they see the sun?
Mr Snuggly - They spend all day hiding in their parent's basements, spamming so they can become regulars. Their bodies aren't used to the sun
Mystique - So why not just make them all regulars?
Mr Snuggly - We don't want spamming regulars! The ones who we think will turn out OK, we leave alone. The ones everyone hates, well, that's where you step in... you are the slayer
Mystique - Hur hur hur, that sounds like-
Mr Snuggly - (sighs) Listen, there's something big coming up. There are more newbies than ever, and it's worrying us all. We don't have much time to train you up and let you deal with it
Mystique - Train me?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, you'll be learning martial arts
Mystique - Hi-yah! Hmm, think I'm getting the hang of it already!
*scene 3*
*SR Towers, somewhere in England*
*Snuggly leads Mystique into the building. The staff gather around as Snuggly and Mystique walk down a long corridor*
Loki - Is that her?
Darkus - I think it is!
Brad - Finally, she's here!
Mystique - Are they expecting me?
Mr Snuggly - Um, no, they're, ah, awaiting their Vietnamese brides...
Mystique - Perverts!
Mr Snuggly - You can talk. OK, in here
Mystique - So you guys don't really sell games and DVDs?
Mr Snuggly - No, we're a government organisation, set up to counter vamp- I mean, newbies. The whole GAD thing is just to draw out the newbies. We get their home addresses, their phone numbers, everything about them. As soon as they spam or cheat, we go to work
Mystique - Sounds very cloak and dagger
Mr Snuggly - Oh yeah, it's great fun. But lately the newbies have been getting stronger. We believe that a regular, with newbie tendencies, is coming back from a leave of absence, and giving them all super human strength. That's why we need you, the slayer. Only you can deal with these uber-newbs
Mystique - So I get to kick people in the face?
Mr Snuggly - Oh yes of course! What do you think schroeder does all day?
Mystique - Hurrah!
*Scene 4*
*SR training grounds. Mystique is kicking Snuggly, who is covered from head to toe in padding*
Mr Snuggly - Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh, I wish they'd just buy a dummy!
Mystique - This is fun! Can you take off the helmet? I wanna see you bleed!
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Now, there's some stuff you should know while you decrease my chances of having children with those kicks. We have several operatives posing as forum users on the forums. Most of the notables, Edgy, Stryke and KR
Mystique - KR?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, send a spammer to catch a spammer, that's our motto. Anyway, these agents are always on the prowl for newbies. Perhaps you've seen the witch hunts and accusations that pop up on the forums?
Mystique - So they're looking for these vam- newbies? I just thought Stryke enjoyed bashing newbies...
Mr Snuggly - Well, who says you can't enjoy your job... (squeaky voice) OK, that one was dead on, I think we can move on now
Mystique - Oops! Sorry...
*Scene 5*
*In the SR stock rooms, full of books*
Mr Snuggly - OK, when you patrol, always keep an eye out the unusual
Mystique - Such as?
Mr Snuggly - Blood sucking, fangs and pointy ears. The usual
Mystique - Riiiight. So do I get to use a steak?
Mr Snuggly - Shush! We can't say that - copyright reasons! It's a big pointy stick, OK?
Mystique - Fine. So, what do I get paid for doing this?
Mr Snuggly - Well, um, we really can't pay you anything, you see-
Mystique - I said "what do I get paid for doing this?"
Mr Snuggly - OK, OK. How about free Star Trek DVDs?
Mystique - Hurrah! I'm in nerd heaven!
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Right, off you go. I'll be staying here to swot up on why the newbies are getting so strong... and stuff
Mystique - You've got Playboy in here, haven't you?
Mr Snuggly - Hur hur hur... yeah
Mystique - I'm on page 27
*Scene 6*
*Mystique is patrolling the streets, late at night. She comes across a newbie*
Mystique - SR towers? SR towers? Come in, SR towers!
Hercules - (over radio) SR towers here! This is Hercules, reading you loud and clear!
Mystique - Wait, you don't work for SR!
Hercules - (over radio) What are you talking about? I, erm, um, Tony gave me a job YEARS ago!
Loki - (over the radio) You again?! How many times have I told you - stop breaking into SR towers! Get off that radio, that's SR property! Get out of here! Ahem, sorry about that, Mystique, I just went off to the toilet, found that fake staff guy doing my job again. OK, what is it?
Mystique - I've found a newbie, please advise
Loki - Stab the sucka!
Mystique - Hur hur, you said-
*The radio is turned off, and Mystique walks up to the drooling newbie*
Mystique - My, you got out of the wrong side of the coffin this morning, didn't you?
Thunder pants - Grr! Arg!
Mystique - O...K... Right, I'm gonna stab you with this big stick now, is that OK?
*Thunder pants lunges for her, but Mystique kicks him in the face*
Thunder pants - Ow! What was that for?!
Mystique - For annoying the honest forum users... and for staring down my top! Take THIS!
*She plunges her big stick into the newbie's chest*
Thunder pants - Ooooouch!
Mystique - Hmm, unless I wasn't paying attention in Biology lessons, you should be dead... Let me try again
*She pulls out the steak and takes another stab at his heart*
Thunder pants - Ow! That's my liver, moron!
Mystique - Moron?! Why you little-!
*She keeps stabbing him and pulling the big stick out*
Mystique - Why won't you die?!
Thunder pants - *cough* Urgh... I... will... spam you.... to death!
*Just as Mystique brings the big stick above her head, and is about to bring it down for one last try, Thunder pants drops dead from blood loss*
Mystique - Hmm, well, that was easy.
*She hears a scream across the street. Mystique runs toward a building and finds a newbie attacking AfroJoe*
AfroJoe - Argh! Help! This guy's trying to bite me! What a sissy!
*Just as Mystique is about to steak- I mean stab him with her big pointy stick, the newbie explodes in a cloud of dust. Hybrid Valves appears from behind the swirling dust*
Hybrid Valves - Get out of here, AfroJoe. You're safe now
AfroJoe - Cheers!
*AfroJoe runs off. There is a loud blaring of a car horn and a smashing sound. He can be heard screaming as he's sent flying through the air*
Mystique - You know it's my job to stab newbies with a big stick, what do you think you're doing?
Hybrid Valves - Relax, I work for SR. I'm Hybrid
*Mystique blushes*
Mystique - Oh, really? Hur hur hur. Hi. I should've recognised you from your pic... hur hur hur
Hybrid Valves - So you're the new slayer, eh?
Mystique - Oh, I'm anything you want me to be... hur hur hur
Hybrid Valves - Stop that!
Mystique - Oh, sorry, went into girly girly mode for a second there. Forgot I watch Star Trek and play computer games... So, um... what are you doing here?
Hybrid Valves - I'm here to warn you. Something is coming
Mystique - Bad weather?
Hybrid Valves - No, we leave that for SHEEPY in Scotland. I'm talking about a darkness that is coming to destroy the world. If you're not ready in time for it's coming, you'll be destroyed too. I don't want anything to happen to you
Mystique - Aw, really?
Hybrid Valves - Yeah, I've got a bet with Darkus that I can bed you by the end of the year. That £10 is mine!
Mystique - Riiight. So-
*She looks around and Hybrid is gone*
Mystique - Just like all the men in my lives... Well, if you don't count those Star Trek nerds who follow me around...
*Scene 7*
*SR towers*
Mr Snuggly - So how did it go last night?
Mystique - Oh, excellent! Data managed to solve the-
Mr Snuggly - Not Star Trek, the patrol!
Mystique - Oh, right, the slaying thing. Yeah, it went OK. Met Hybrid Valves
*Snuggly freezes*
Mr Snuggly - You should stay away from him. Nothing but trouble!
Mystique - But he works for you, doesn't he?
Mr Snuggly - Well, yes... and no. We use him because of his "unique" position
Mystique - Huh?
Mr Snuggly - He's a newbie himself
*dun dun duuuuun*
Mystique - What?!
Mr Snuggly - Well, sort of. He was a staff newbie for quite some time, and when he started a long chat post to get himself up to regular, something went wrong. His stats were updated, but he kept some of his newibe traits. He doesn't spam or annoy, but he still feeds on the blood of others. And he doesn't like the sun much either, kind of turns his bones to dust
Mystique - My God! Well, he warned me of a coming. Hur hur, I said-
Mr Snuggly - He must have been referring to the second coming of the spam king. Well, I say second coming, it's more like the 50th
Mystique - What do you mean? What's this great darkness he was babbling on about?
Mr Snuggly - The return... of Shaneo
*dun dun DUUUUUUN*
Mystique - You can't mean...?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, the rumours are true, Shaneo is making a come back. That's why all the newbies are getting stronger, they have a regular fighting for them.
Mystique - What will happen if he returns?
Mr Snuggly - The end of the world as we know it, and even worse, the end of SR! He and his countless minions will spam the forums into submission. Special Reserve will be destroyed, then there will be no-one to defend the innocents from the newbies.
Mystique - What can we do?
Mr Snuggly - Well, I was planning on running off to Majorca... but I guess I could stick around and help you stop him. The newbies will be performing a ceremony which will bring him back from banning. They must have already started, that's why they're getting stronger. They will continue to grow in strength, and dare I say it, intelligence, until the ritual is complete. Then Shaneo destroys the world. And my booze collection
Mystique - We have to stop it!
Mr Snuggly - Darn right, took me ages to save up for all that JD
*Scene 8*
*The next night, Mystique is patrolling again. She comes across Rakuga, cowering in an alley way*
Mystique - Hey, ugly, get up. What happened?
Rakuga - (trembling) Newbies... they attacked me when I was doing my driving lesson
Mystique - You're the fifth regular I've found tonight. Go on, get home and watch Eastenders. I'll take care of this
*Rakuga runs off*
Mystique - Hmm, something must be up. I bet it's some sort of trap for me. I'll have to be extra careful
*A newbie approaches*
READ THIS! ITS GOOD - Come with me, slayer
Mystique - Gladly
*Scene 9*
*The newbie's layer, an old warehouse. A large group of newbies are arranged in a circle, around a coffin, chanting*
Newbies - Spammy spammy spammy spammy spaaaaaaaa-my! Spammy spammy spammy spammy spaaaaaaaa-my!
Mystique - Alright, what do you want?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - You have been brought here to meet our master
Mystique - Shaneo, right? Listen, while I'm here, may I suggest you change your name? Worst. Name. Ever
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Silence! My name is excellent, it makes people want to read my reviews!
Mystique - Uh huh. And DO people read your reviews?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Um, errr... That's beside the point, slayer! Take her!
*Several newbies grab Mystique, holding her arms so she can't move*
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Now, you will die... Ha ha ha ha ha!
*All the newbies start laughing*
Mystique - Please, kill me and put me out of my misery! Can't stand your high pitched voices any more! What are you, 14?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Of course! Like all newbies, we are young and stupid! OK, nasty neighbour, get that big knife we keep, we will sacrifice her!
*nasty neighbour produces a knife Rambo would be proud of, and approaches Mystique*
Mystique - Urgh, that thing's filthy! You've been using it to carve turkey, haven't you?!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Silence! Kill her, nasty neighbour!
Hybrid Valves - Not so fast!
*Everyone turns to see Hybrid, climbing in through the window of the old warehouse*
Mystique - Hybrid! You came to rescue me! Hur hur hur
Hybrid Valves - No, I threw my frisbee in here by mistake, just came to get it- I mean - That's right! Of course I've come to rescue you! Hand them, I mean her, over, or else!
xboxaddict - Or else what?
Hybrid Valves - Or else THIS!
*Hybrid starts trying to climb down from the window, but almost slips*
Hybrid Valves - Oop. Hang on... gimme a minute... almost got it...
*He lowers himself down and drops onto the floor*
Hybrid Valves - Ha! Knew I could do it without breaking my neck. Now, let her go!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Never! Kill him!
*The newbies charge at Hybrid. Mystique is dumped on the floor*
Mystique - Hey, I just washed these pants! I mean, um, go Hybrid! Kick their spamming butts!
*In slow motion, Hybrid starts throwing the newbies around, one by one, as they approach him. Everything goes into camp Batman mode*
"Biff!"
"Bang!"
"Zap!"
"Zock!"
"Oof!"
"Pow!"
"Kablammo!"
"Woosh!"
"Zip!"
"Um... punch!"
*The newbies are left in a heap on the floor, crying*
xboxaddict - Oooow, I can't feel my legs!
antman - They're over here...
*Hybrid runs up to Mystique and hugs her*
Mystique - I knew you'd come for me!
Hybrid Valves - Anything for a casual acquaintance!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - (clapping) Well done, Hybrid. But you're too late. The ceremony is complete
Hybrid Valves - Oops
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - The spam king is now upon us! All hail... SHANEO!
*Shaneo rises from his coffin. His grey skin soon turns flesh coloured*
Shaneo - Bwahahahaha! SR couldn't keep me banned for long! Now begins 10,000 years of spammy darkness! Ha ha ha!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - My Lord, we have the slayer and half newbie/half regular Hybrid Valves. What do you wish be done with them?
Shaneo - Kill them! Then, you know, cook them or something. I'm starving. Not much food in a coffin, you know?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Excellent choice, my Lord. May I suggest some maggots on the side as well? Goes well with slayer.
Hybrid Valves - (whisperng) What do we do now? The apocalypse is upon us!
Mystique - I say we spend our last few minutes on earth, you know, doing it
Hybrid Valves - Something more productive than that!
Mystique - Hey, what's more productive than the mattress mumbo? Didn't you ever learn where babies come from?
Hybrid Valves - I'll distract Shaneo, you stab him with that big pointy stick
Mystique - OK. Good job I keep this spare one in my bra... hey, you wanna reach in and pull it out? Hur hur hur
*Hybrid Valves runs to the corner of the room*
Hybrid Valves - Spammers, spammers, may I have your attention please?
*The remaining spammers turn and stare at him*
Hybrid Valves - Um, yeah... so... how about that weather, eh?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Stop creating a distraction and get into that cauldron!
Hybrid Valves - Um... I know, a joke! Hey, um... OK, um... What do you call a thousand spammers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! No? OK, um... How do you stop a spammer drowning? Take your foot off him! No good? OK, um, darn it I knew I should've read that big joke thread on the forums... OK, um... Why'd Snuggly give a name to his wiener? He didn't want a stranger making all his decisions!
*The newbies burst out laughing*
Hybrid Valves - Now!
*Mystique is staring at a copy of Big Boys In Boots*
Mystique - I'm sorry, what?
Hybrid Valves - Stab him!
Mystique - Oh, right, the end of the world! Gotcha!
*She runs up behind Shaneo and drives the big pointy stick into his back*
Shaneo - Arrrrrrgh!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Master? Nooooooooo!
Shaneo - I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh what a world! What a world!
*Shaneo turns to dust, and the other newbies all turn grey, then to dust themselves*
Hybrid Valves - Yay! We did it!
Mystique - We?
*Scene 10*
*SR Towers*
Mr Snuggly - Well done, Mystique! You saved the world, and more importantly, my booze collection. Let's have a round!
Darkus - Good job, Mysty, glad to see I wasn't gonna die a virg- Woah! I mean, um...
Mystique - Hey, all in a day's work for the slayer!
Mr Snuggly - Ah, that reminds me, we have a partner lined up for you!
Mystique - (excited) Hybrid?
Mr Snuggly - Better!
Mystique - (even more excited) Captain Picard?
Mr Snuggly - Even better!
Mystique - Who is it?!
Mr Snuggly - Stryke!
*Stryke walks in*
Mystique - Oh great, a smug Welsh guy
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, but he just passed his test, and he has a car!
Mystique - A car! I'm all yours!
*She jumps into Stryke's arms*
Tony - (voice over) And so, the world was saved. SR went on to fight newbies for years to come, I went on to be a multi millionaire, Loki went on to invent novelty sex items, and Brooksie went on to mess up all the details on the database. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Mystique, who married Stryke and lived to regret it for 30 years. As you do.
*Brad walks in*
Brad - Hmm, there's some time left... I know, this is the perfect chance to show off my band! Come on guys!
*The Masters Of The Universe run in and set up their instruments. They play a long guitar riff, then Brad starts to sing*
Brad - Yooouuu-
*THE END*
Brad - Gosh darn it!
*Scene 1*
*Mystique is sat in school, looking bored, as the teacher waffles on about nothing of interest*
Teacher - So, Mystique, can you tell me the answer?
Mystique - No
Teacher - Well, aren't you even going to try?
Mystique - No
Teacher - (sighs) OK, how about you, Lord H?
*Lord H stops jumping up and down in his seat with his hand up*
Lord H - Miss, miss, it's 752, isn't it miss?
Teacher - Well done, H
Lord H - Hey! That's Lord H to you!
Mystique - Oh for goodness sake! This place sucks!
*Someone appears on the other side of the door, tapping on the glass. They open the door*
Mr Snuggly - Hi, I'm, um... Mystique's... dad, yeah, her dad. She has a dentist appointment
Teacher - Oh, OK, off you go Mystique
*Mystique joyfully jumps up from her seat and runs out the door. Snuggly leaves after her*
Teacher - Wait, that's not her dad! I met him at the last parent's evening and he made a pass at me! Oi! Come back 'ere!
*Scene 2*
*Walking through the car park, to Snuggly's car*
Mystique - Thanks for that. Just drop me off at the nearest pub
*They reach the car*
Mr Snuggly - I'm afraid we have other plans for you. Hop in
Mystique - What? This isn't a car, this is something you get free with your breakfast cereal!
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Please get in and stop making fun of my manhood- I mean car!
*They both climb in and Snuggly starts driving*
Mystique - You know I was always told never to go with strangers... but you're kinda cute
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. OK, Mystique, I'll level with you
Mystique - Ooh, sounds promising
Mr Snuggly - I'm Mr Snuggly, from SR
Mystique - (panicked) If this is about those GADs, I won them fair and square!
Mr Snuggly - No, no! I'm here to recruit you!
Mystique - Ah, need someone to pick the GADs now that you're knocking on a bit, eh?
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Now then, what I'm about to tell you is top secret, so don't go around texting all your friends
Mystique - (innocently) I won't
*She puts her phone back in her bag*
Mr Snuggly - OK, you see... the newbies have started, um, mutating into something rather nasty. It's been happening for a while. I mean, as soon as they reach regular status, some of them seem to turn into model users, but while they're newbies, they... well, they grow fangs, bite people, turn to dust when sunlight hits them, and they look rather ugly
Mystique - Sounds like my kind of guy. So they turn into vampires, right?
Mr Snuggly - Shush! You wanna get us sued?!
Mystique - You mean I can't say vampi-
Mr Snuggly - La la la la la la, I'm not listening!
Mystique - OK, OK. Why can't I say that word?
Mr Snuggly - It brings up a likeness to a certain other girl who kills demons. We have infringement to worry about
Mystique - Aaaahhh... So why do they turn to dust when they see the sun?
Mr Snuggly - They spend all day hiding in their parent's basements, spamming so they can become regulars. Their bodies aren't used to the sun
Mystique - So why not just make them all regulars?
Mr Snuggly - We don't want spamming regulars! The ones who we think will turn out OK, we leave alone. The ones everyone hates, well, that's where you step in... you are the slayer
Mystique - Hur hur hur, that sounds like-
Mr Snuggly - (sighs) Listen, there's something big coming up. There are more newbies than ever, and it's worrying us all. We don't have much time to train you up and let you deal with it
Mystique - Train me?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, you'll be learning martial arts
Mystique - Hi-yah! Hmm, think I'm getting the hang of it already!
*scene 3*
*SR Towers, somewhere in England*
*Snuggly leads Mystique into the building. The staff gather around as Snuggly and Mystique walk down a long corridor*
Loki - Is that her?
Darkus - I think it is!
Brad - Finally, she's here!
Mystique - Are they expecting me?
Mr Snuggly - Um, no, they're, ah, awaiting their Vietnamese brides...
Mystique - Perverts!
Mr Snuggly - You can talk. OK, in here
Mystique - So you guys don't really sell games and DVDs?
Mr Snuggly - No, we're a government organisation, set up to counter vamp- I mean, newbies. The whole GAD thing is just to draw out the newbies. We get their home addresses, their phone numbers, everything about them. As soon as they spam or cheat, we go to work
Mystique - Sounds very cloak and dagger
Mr Snuggly - Oh yeah, it's great fun. But lately the newbies have been getting stronger. We believe that a regular, with newbie tendencies, is coming back from a leave of absence, and giving them all super human strength. That's why we need you, the slayer. Only you can deal with these uber-newbs
Mystique - So I get to kick people in the face?
Mr Snuggly - Oh yes of course! What do you think schroeder does all day?
Mystique - Hurrah!
*Scene 4*
*SR training grounds. Mystique is kicking Snuggly, who is covered from head to toe in padding*
Mr Snuggly - Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh, I wish they'd just buy a dummy!
Mystique - This is fun! Can you take off the helmet? I wanna see you bleed!
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Now, there's some stuff you should know while you decrease my chances of having children with those kicks. We have several operatives posing as forum users on the forums. Most of the notables, Edgy, Stryke and KR
Mystique - KR?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, send a spammer to catch a spammer, that's our motto. Anyway, these agents are always on the prowl for newbies. Perhaps you've seen the witch hunts and accusations that pop up on the forums?
Mystique - So they're looking for these vam- newbies? I just thought Stryke enjoyed bashing newbies...
Mr Snuggly - Well, who says you can't enjoy your job... (squeaky voice) OK, that one was dead on, I think we can move on now
Mystique - Oops! Sorry...
*Scene 5*
*In the SR stock rooms, full of books*
Mr Snuggly - OK, when you patrol, always keep an eye out the unusual
Mystique - Such as?
Mr Snuggly - Blood sucking, fangs and pointy ears. The usual
Mystique - Riiiight. So do I get to use a steak?
Mr Snuggly - Shush! We can't say that - copyright reasons! It's a big pointy stick, OK?
Mystique - Fine. So, what do I get paid for doing this?
Mr Snuggly - Well, um, we really can't pay you anything, you see-
Mystique - I said "what do I get paid for doing this?"
Mr Snuggly - OK, OK. How about free Star Trek DVDs?
Mystique - Hurrah! I'm in nerd heaven!
Mr Snuggly - Ahem... yes. Right, off you go. I'll be staying here to swot up on why the newbies are getting so strong... and stuff
Mystique - You've got Playboy in here, haven't you?
Mr Snuggly - Hur hur hur... yeah
Mystique - I'm on page 27
*Scene 6*
*Mystique is patrolling the streets, late at night. She comes across a newbie*
Mystique - SR towers? SR towers? Come in, SR towers!
Hercules - (over radio) SR towers here! This is Hercules, reading you loud and clear!
Mystique - Wait, you don't work for SR!
Hercules - (over radio) What are you talking about? I, erm, um, Tony gave me a job YEARS ago!
Loki - (over the radio) You again?! How many times have I told you - stop breaking into SR towers! Get off that radio, that's SR property! Get out of here! Ahem, sorry about that, Mystique, I just went off to the toilet, found that fake staff guy doing my job again. OK, what is it?
Mystique - I've found a newbie, please advise
Loki - Stab the sucka!
Mystique - Hur hur, you said-
*The radio is turned off, and Mystique walks up to the drooling newbie*
Mystique - My, you got out of the wrong side of the coffin this morning, didn't you?
Thunder pants - Grr! Arg!
Mystique - O...K... Right, I'm gonna stab you with this big stick now, is that OK?
*Thunder pants lunges for her, but Mystique kicks him in the face*
Thunder pants - Ow! What was that for?!
Mystique - For annoying the honest forum users... and for staring down my top! Take THIS!
*She plunges her big stick into the newbie's chest*
Thunder pants - Ooooouch!
Mystique - Hmm, unless I wasn't paying attention in Biology lessons, you should be dead... Let me try again
*She pulls out the steak and takes another stab at his heart*
Thunder pants - Ow! That's my liver, moron!
Mystique - Moron?! Why you little-!
*She keeps stabbing him and pulling the big stick out*
Mystique - Why won't you die?!
Thunder pants - *cough* Urgh... I... will... spam you.... to death!
*Just as Mystique brings the big stick above her head, and is about to bring it down for one last try, Thunder pants drops dead from blood loss*
Mystique - Hmm, well, that was easy.
*She hears a scream across the street. Mystique runs toward a building and finds a newbie attacking AfroJoe*
AfroJoe - Argh! Help! This guy's trying to bite me! What a sissy!
*Just as Mystique is about to steak- I mean stab him with her big pointy stick, the newbie explodes in a cloud of dust. Hybrid Valves appears from behind the swirling dust*
Hybrid Valves - Get out of here, AfroJoe. You're safe now
AfroJoe - Cheers!
*AfroJoe runs off. There is a loud blaring of a car horn and a smashing sound. He can be heard screaming as he's sent flying through the air*
Mystique - You know it's my job to stab newbies with a big stick, what do you think you're doing?
Hybrid Valves - Relax, I work for SR. I'm Hybrid
*Mystique blushes*
Mystique - Oh, really? Hur hur hur. Hi. I should've recognised you from your pic... hur hur hur
Hybrid Valves - So you're the new slayer, eh?
Mystique - Oh, I'm anything you want me to be... hur hur hur
Hybrid Valves - Stop that!
Mystique - Oh, sorry, went into girly girly mode for a second there. Forgot I watch Star Trek and play computer games... So, um... what are you doing here?
Hybrid Valves - I'm here to warn you. Something is coming
Mystique - Bad weather?
Hybrid Valves - No, we leave that for SHEEPY in Scotland. I'm talking about a darkness that is coming to destroy the world. If you're not ready in time for it's coming, you'll be destroyed too. I don't want anything to happen to you
Mystique - Aw, really?
Hybrid Valves - Yeah, I've got a bet with Darkus that I can bed you by the end of the year. That £10 is mine!
Mystique - Riiight. So-
*She looks around and Hybrid is gone*
Mystique - Just like all the men in my lives... Well, if you don't count those Star Trek nerds who follow me around...
*Scene 7*
*SR towers*
Mr Snuggly - So how did it go last night?
Mystique - Oh, excellent! Data managed to solve the-
Mr Snuggly - Not Star Trek, the patrol!
Mystique - Oh, right, the slaying thing. Yeah, it went OK. Met Hybrid Valves
*Snuggly freezes*
Mr Snuggly - You should stay away from him. Nothing but trouble!
Mystique - But he works for you, doesn't he?
Mr Snuggly - Well, yes... and no. We use him because of his "unique" position
Mystique - Huh?
Mr Snuggly - He's a newbie himself
*dun dun duuuuun*
Mystique - What?!
Mr Snuggly - Well, sort of. He was a staff newbie for quite some time, and when he started a long chat post to get himself up to regular, something went wrong. His stats were updated, but he kept some of his newibe traits. He doesn't spam or annoy, but he still feeds on the blood of others. And he doesn't like the sun much either, kind of turns his bones to dust
Mystique - My God! Well, he warned me of a coming. Hur hur, I said-
Mr Snuggly - He must have been referring to the second coming of the spam king. Well, I say second coming, it's more like the 50th
Mystique - What do you mean? What's this great darkness he was babbling on about?
Mr Snuggly - The return... of Shaneo
*dun dun DUUUUUUN*
Mystique - You can't mean...?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, the rumours are true, Shaneo is making a come back. That's why all the newbies are getting stronger, they have a regular fighting for them.
Mystique - What will happen if he returns?
Mr Snuggly - The end of the world as we know it, and even worse, the end of SR! He and his countless minions will spam the forums into submission. Special Reserve will be destroyed, then there will be no-one to defend the innocents from the newbies.
Mystique - What can we do?
Mr Snuggly - Well, I was planning on running off to Majorca... but I guess I could stick around and help you stop him. The newbies will be performing a ceremony which will bring him back from banning. They must have already started, that's why they're getting stronger. They will continue to grow in strength, and dare I say it, intelligence, until the ritual is complete. Then Shaneo destroys the world. And my booze collection
Mystique - We have to stop it!
Mr Snuggly - Darn right, took me ages to save up for all that JD
*Scene 8*
*The next night, Mystique is patrolling again. She comes across Rakuga, cowering in an alley way*
Mystique - Hey, ugly, get up. What happened?
Rakuga - (trembling) Newbies... they attacked me when I was doing my driving lesson
Mystique - You're the fifth regular I've found tonight. Go on, get home and watch Eastenders. I'll take care of this
*Rakuga runs off*
Mystique - Hmm, something must be up. I bet it's some sort of trap for me. I'll have to be extra careful
*A newbie approaches*
READ THIS! ITS GOOD - Come with me, slayer
Mystique - Gladly
*Scene 9*
*The newbie's layer, an old warehouse. A large group of newbies are arranged in a circle, around a coffin, chanting*
Newbies - Spammy spammy spammy spammy spaaaaaaaa-my! Spammy spammy spammy spammy spaaaaaaaa-my!
Mystique - Alright, what do you want?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - You have been brought here to meet our master
Mystique - Shaneo, right? Listen, while I'm here, may I suggest you change your name? Worst. Name. Ever
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Silence! My name is excellent, it makes people want to read my reviews!
Mystique - Uh huh. And DO people read your reviews?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Um, errr... That's beside the point, slayer! Take her!
*Several newbies grab Mystique, holding her arms so she can't move*
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Now, you will die... Ha ha ha ha ha!
*All the newbies start laughing*
Mystique - Please, kill me and put me out of my misery! Can't stand your high pitched voices any more! What are you, 14?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Of course! Like all newbies, we are young and stupid! OK, nasty neighbour, get that big knife we keep, we will sacrifice her!
*nasty neighbour produces a knife Rambo would be proud of, and approaches Mystique*
Mystique - Urgh, that thing's filthy! You've been using it to carve turkey, haven't you?!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Silence! Kill her, nasty neighbour!
Hybrid Valves - Not so fast!
*Everyone turns to see Hybrid, climbing in through the window of the old warehouse*
Mystique - Hybrid! You came to rescue me! Hur hur hur
Hybrid Valves - No, I threw my frisbee in here by mistake, just came to get it- I mean - That's right! Of course I've come to rescue you! Hand them, I mean her, over, or else!
xboxaddict - Or else what?
Hybrid Valves - Or else THIS!
*Hybrid starts trying to climb down from the window, but almost slips*
Hybrid Valves - Oop. Hang on... gimme a minute... almost got it...
*He lowers himself down and drops onto the floor*
Hybrid Valves - Ha! Knew I could do it without breaking my neck. Now, let her go!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Never! Kill him!
*The newbies charge at Hybrid. Mystique is dumped on the floor*
Mystique - Hey, I just washed these pants! I mean, um, go Hybrid! Kick their spamming butts!
*In slow motion, Hybrid starts throwing the newbies around, one by one, as they approach him. Everything goes into camp Batman mode*
"Biff!"
"Bang!"
"Zap!"
"Zock!"
"Oof!"
"Pow!"
"Kablammo!"
"Woosh!"
"Zip!"
"Um... punch!"
*The newbies are left in a heap on the floor, crying*
xboxaddict - Oooow, I can't feel my legs!
antman - They're over here...
*Hybrid runs up to Mystique and hugs her*
Mystique - I knew you'd come for me!
Hybrid Valves - Anything for a casual acquaintance!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - (clapping) Well done, Hybrid. But you're too late. The ceremony is complete
Hybrid Valves - Oops
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - The spam king is now upon us! All hail... SHANEO!
*Shaneo rises from his coffin. His grey skin soon turns flesh coloured*
Shaneo - Bwahahahaha! SR couldn't keep me banned for long! Now begins 10,000 years of spammy darkness! Ha ha ha!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - My Lord, we have the slayer and half newbie/half regular Hybrid Valves. What do you wish be done with them?
Shaneo - Kill them! Then, you know, cook them or something. I'm starving. Not much food in a coffin, you know?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Excellent choice, my Lord. May I suggest some maggots on the side as well? Goes well with slayer.
Hybrid Valves - (whisperng) What do we do now? The apocalypse is upon us!
Mystique - I say we spend our last few minutes on earth, you know, doing it
Hybrid Valves - Something more productive than that!
Mystique - Hey, what's more productive than the mattress mumbo? Didn't you ever learn where babies come from?
Hybrid Valves - I'll distract Shaneo, you stab him with that big pointy stick
Mystique - OK. Good job I keep this spare one in my bra... hey, you wanna reach in and pull it out? Hur hur hur
*Hybrid Valves runs to the corner of the room*
Hybrid Valves - Spammers, spammers, may I have your attention please?
*The remaining spammers turn and stare at him*
Hybrid Valves - Um, yeah... so... how about that weather, eh?
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Stop creating a distraction and get into that cauldron!
Hybrid Valves - Um... I know, a joke! Hey, um... OK, um... What do you call a thousand spammers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! No? OK, um... How do you stop a spammer drowning? Take your foot off him! No good? OK, um, darn it I knew I should've read that big joke thread on the forums... OK, um... Why'd Snuggly give a name to his wiener? He didn't want a stranger making all his decisions!
*The newbies burst out laughing*
Hybrid Valves - Now!
*Mystique is staring at a copy of Big Boys In Boots*
Mystique - I'm sorry, what?
Hybrid Valves - Stab him!
Mystique - Oh, right, the end of the world! Gotcha!
*She runs up behind Shaneo and drives the big pointy stick into his back*
Shaneo - Arrrrrrgh!
READ THIS! ITS GOOD! - Master? Nooooooooo!
Shaneo - I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh what a world! What a world!
*Shaneo turns to dust, and the other newbies all turn grey, then to dust themselves*
Hybrid Valves - Yay! We did it!
Mystique - We?
*Scene 10*
*SR Towers*
Mr Snuggly - Well done, Mystique! You saved the world, and more importantly, my booze collection. Let's have a round!
Darkus - Good job, Mysty, glad to see I wasn't gonna die a virg- Woah! I mean, um...
Mystique - Hey, all in a day's work for the slayer!
Mr Snuggly - Ah, that reminds me, we have a partner lined up for you!
Mystique - (excited) Hybrid?
Mr Snuggly - Better!
Mystique - (even more excited) Captain Picard?
Mr Snuggly - Even better!
Mystique - Who is it?!
Mr Snuggly - Stryke!
*Stryke walks in*
Mystique - Oh great, a smug Welsh guy
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, but he just passed his test, and he has a car!
Mystique - A car! I'm all yours!
*She jumps into Stryke's arms*
Tony - (voice over) And so, the world was saved. SR went on to fight newbies for years to come, I went on to be a multi millionaire, Loki went on to invent novelty sex items, and Brooksie went on to mess up all the details on the database. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Mystique, who married Stryke and lived to regret it for 30 years. As you do.
*Brad walks in*
Brad - Hmm, there's some time left... I know, this is the perfect chance to show off my band! Come on guys!
*The Masters Of The Universe run in and set up their instruments. They play a long guitar riff, then Brad starts to sing*
Brad - Yooouuu-
*THE END*
Brad - Gosh darn it!
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Good good...
ouch my eyes hurt....
couldnt read it sorry
couldnt read it sorry
funny... *face twists into a grin*
Wow, I didn't expect this! I come online on a miserable day like this, and Rakuga tells me I've won. Cheers SR!
Well done, King MoJo of Spoofs.
Fake staff hey..
Well done on the win MOJO.
Stryke wrote:
> I'm distraught.
-------
Don't worry, Stryke, you're in the next one
Everyone else, glad you enjoyed it
> I'm distraught.
-------
Don't worry, Stryke, you're in the next one
Everyone else, glad you enjoyed it
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