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Courtesy of the New York Times:
WHEN TRIBUTE TURNS TO TRAGEDY
While average cinema-goers may never hav heard or seen the work of David Lynch, he is still widely regarded as one of the industry's few true auteurs. In this light cable channel HBO, with its track record of kooky programming - "Six Feet Under", "the Sopranos" and "Sex and the City" to name but a few - dedicated an entire Sunday to the works of this cinematic legend. The special began innocuously with "The Straight Story" but became progressively more surreal, culminating in the network premiere of Lynch's latest film, "Mulholland Drive". More bizarrely, the special was unscheduled and unannounced by the cable giant, and thus attained record viewing figures, as it pulled in audiences who had been expecting to settle down to a double bill of "the Sopranos" and "Six Feet Under".
However, the prolonged exposure to a farrago of Lynchian nightmare worlds proved to have devastating effects which unfolded the following day. Early in the morning the New York City police department was already receiving reports of traffic gridlock throughout the city, as thousands of commuters tried to make their journeys on lawn mowers, while the rest displayed a strange obsession with the passing markings on the road. This combination resulted in a 26-mile tailback that meant many people never made it to work to at all. Tragically, 26 people were killed when stockbroker Adam Kesher, riding an industrial sized lawn mower and trying to look at the lines on the road, ploughed into a crowd of people that had gathered following a reported sighting of Kyle MacLachlan.
Indeed, early polls suggest that an astonishing 90% of people who had watched the special reported an increased presence of Kyle MacLachlan in their lives. Two New York Times secretaries became embroiled in a fist fight after both claimed to have had lunch with the well-known actor, simultaneously. As sightings increased America's top gossip magazine, The National Enquirer was forced to close its phone-lines, after receiving in excess of 200 calls a minute with information ranging from reports that Kyle MacLachlan had taken up work in a shoe-shop to allegations that he had broken into an appartment. MacLachlan's agent refuted all the allegations, saying that the actor had spent the entire day with him enjoying a game of golf, though MacLachlan's stylist claimed that he had made passionate love to her on a snooker table, and his personal trainer added that MacLachlan had spent the entire day in the gym. The upsurge in sightings proved catastrophic for Hollywood's "Kyle MacLachlan Lookalikes Inc." which was forced to close its doors, as demand for lookalikes dried up, leaving 26 people unemployed. Company director Jeffrey Beaumont, himself a former Kyle lookalike, commented "It's a great shame, normally we'd be doing weddings and stripograms at this time of year, but now the real Kyle's being seen everywhere no-one's interested. In fact one of Kyle strippers was knocked out by the real Kyle after he showed up at stag-do that was being held in the same pub Kyle was drinking in. But at the end of the day I guess it's just free-market economics; with that supply of Kyle in the market, there's bound to be a downturn in demand.
The number 26 was also seen to play an increased role during the day, given its nature as a Lynchian trademark. New York's own fire crew from the 26th Precinct found that it had switched identities with the city's 26th precinct police force. To their credit both groups of men coped admirably, with the fire crews using their high-powered hoses to break up a bank robbery, and a police team putting out a fire at a chemical factory using spitting alone. Once it became clear that a Lynchian nightmare was indeed taking place, the armed forces evacuated every apartment numbered 26, and eventually all those with a number totalling 26 as well, after an out-of-work actress in appartment 12689 gave birth to an alien.
It was a day of strang occurences for many New York citizens. One Starbucks worker reported the strange presence of ambient music in his day:
"It started off when I got out of bed, there was this gentle tapping music with mumbled up lyrics and I couldn't tell where it was coming from, and it made me angry, at which point this screaming speed-metal kicked in. I have to say it pretty much freaked out the people in Starbucks, when I burnt my hand on the percolater the dull music turned into this piercing scream of static. It was only when a woman at the front of the queue started to sing "I will Survive" that I realised that the music had only been reflecting my inner-struggle with my homosexual persuasion, symbolised not by mumbled lyrics, but supressed lyrics, and anger I felt at my feelings was rendered in the death-scream of the speed-metal frontman. When I realised the music faded into the background after a glorious fanfare that reflected my epiphany."
He was no the only person to feel the presence of symbolism and imagery in their day. A cab driver was disturbed to note the shifting light patterns that coincided with his mood changes:
"It was only after I got message about the Lynch thing on ma dispatch radio that I thought I got me some symbology going on here, and then all a sudden, the light on ma cab ceiling lit up real bright, and that was symbology right there cos I had got me an idea, you see?"
Sadly similar epiphanies were not experienced by all. Several suburbs were rendered bitterly satirical versions of themselves, with all inhabitants wearing broad but artificial grins, and people being obviously false. One suburb became so vapid that a completely vacuum of personality was created, sucking in all of the houses and inhabitants and compacting them into a one-inch sphere, which was unfortunately devoured by a dog before anything could be done to reverse the occurence. Yet more tragedy was to follow when the dog was taken to Washington vet via air ambulance, in case the vapidity was contagious. As the Lynch phenomonen wore off the suburb returned to normal size, levelling a significant amount of Washington and tearing the dog apart.
Perhaps the most surreal occurence has been HBO's complete denial that it screened a David Lynch special, and the director's own assertion that he would have refused permission for such a special in any case because of his dislike of adverts interrupting his films. Indeed suggestions abound that the entire Lynch special was actually a subliminal broadcast secreted into HBO's regular line-up by Iraqi operatives. In retaliation the US government is planning to send a crack brigade of existential French philosophers, who will not just wreak havoc in the effects of passive smoking from their endless supply of Gallois, but also demoralise the Iraqui population with impassioned speeches on the non-existence of Allah. Human Rights campaigners tried to protest about the inhumanity of the plan, but found they had changed identity with a family of chipmunks mid-way through the day and proceeded only to gnaw on their desks and eat nuts.
As of yet, no figure has been put on the damage wrought by the David Lynch Special, but it is expected to run into billions. The director himself is now the subject of a congress bill, which senators hope to pass before the end of Summer, stipulating that the films of David Lynch never be shown to an unsuspecting public.
in unrelated news:
GEORGE BUSH IN COMA AFTER CHIPMUNK ATTACK
Congress was yesterday alive with the news that George W. Bush had been savagely knawed into a coma by a family of chipmunks. The President was out being walking his beloved dog and policy advisor Buddy when he was set upon by an estimated 20 chipmunks. In the struggle the President was knocked unconcious and then dragged into a tree hollow by the marauding creatures. Where he remained for 2 hours until the alarm was raised at the Whitehouse when Bush's wife finally realised that the Buddy had been trying to tell her something when he ran up with a a piece of paper saying "You husband has been attacked by chipmunks and is trapped in a tree hollow".
When CIA operatives retrieved the President, he was thought to be in a deep sleep, and so was simply put to bed without any dinner. When he failed to wake up in the morning he was rushed to hospital where X-rays revealed that his skull cavity had been permeated by chipmunk, only narrowly missing his brain cell. After a grueling 20 hour operation, in which surgeons watched every episode of ER back to back for clues on how to operate, the chipmunk made its own way out of the President's skull and left him still in a coma. However, there has been speculation that the President is only faking it so he can get a few weeks off work and play at his Texas Ranch instead. Meanwhile Dick Cheney will assume command at the White House until the President "recovers".
WHEN TRIBUTE TURNS TO TRAGEDY
While average cinema-goers may never hav heard or seen the work of David Lynch, he is still widely regarded as one of the industry's few true auteurs. In this light cable channel HBO, with its track record of kooky programming - "Six Feet Under", "the Sopranos" and "Sex and the City" to name but a few - dedicated an entire Sunday to the works of this cinematic legend. The special began innocuously with "The Straight Story" but became progressively more surreal, culminating in the network premiere of Lynch's latest film, "Mulholland Drive". More bizarrely, the special was unscheduled and unannounced by the cable giant, and thus attained record viewing figures, as it pulled in audiences who had been expecting to settle down to a double bill of "the Sopranos" and "Six Feet Under".
However, the prolonged exposure to a farrago of Lynchian nightmare worlds proved to have devastating effects which unfolded the following day. Early in the morning the New York City police department was already receiving reports of traffic gridlock throughout the city, as thousands of commuters tried to make their journeys on lawn mowers, while the rest displayed a strange obsession with the passing markings on the road. This combination resulted in a 26-mile tailback that meant many people never made it to work to at all. Tragically, 26 people were killed when stockbroker Adam Kesher, riding an industrial sized lawn mower and trying to look at the lines on the road, ploughed into a crowd of people that had gathered following a reported sighting of Kyle MacLachlan.
Indeed, early polls suggest that an astonishing 90% of people who had watched the special reported an increased presence of Kyle MacLachlan in their lives. Two New York Times secretaries became embroiled in a fist fight after both claimed to have had lunch with the well-known actor, simultaneously. As sightings increased America's top gossip magazine, The National Enquirer was forced to close its phone-lines, after receiving in excess of 200 calls a minute with information ranging from reports that Kyle MacLachlan had taken up work in a shoe-shop to allegations that he had broken into an appartment. MacLachlan's agent refuted all the allegations, saying that the actor had spent the entire day with him enjoying a game of golf, though MacLachlan's stylist claimed that he had made passionate love to her on a snooker table, and his personal trainer added that MacLachlan had spent the entire day in the gym. The upsurge in sightings proved catastrophic for Hollywood's "Kyle MacLachlan Lookalikes Inc." which was forced to close its doors, as demand for lookalikes dried up, leaving 26 people unemployed. Company director Jeffrey Beaumont, himself a former Kyle lookalike, commented "It's a great shame, normally we'd be doing weddings and stripograms at this time of year, but now the real Kyle's being seen everywhere no-one's interested. In fact one of Kyle strippers was knocked out by the real Kyle after he showed up at stag-do that was being held in the same pub Kyle was drinking in. But at the end of the day I guess it's just free-market economics; with that supply of Kyle in the market, there's bound to be a downturn in demand.
The number 26 was also seen to play an increased role during the day, given its nature as a Lynchian trademark. New York's own fire crew from the 26th Precinct found that it had switched identities with the city's 26th precinct police force. To their credit both groups of men coped admirably, with the fire crews using their high-powered hoses to break up a bank robbery, and a police team putting out a fire at a chemical factory using spitting alone. Once it became clear that a Lynchian nightmare was indeed taking place, the armed forces evacuated every apartment numbered 26, and eventually all those with a number totalling 26 as well, after an out-of-work actress in appartment 12689 gave birth to an alien.
It was a day of strang occurences for many New York citizens. One Starbucks worker reported the strange presence of ambient music in his day:
"It started off when I got out of bed, there was this gentle tapping music with mumbled up lyrics and I couldn't tell where it was coming from, and it made me angry, at which point this screaming speed-metal kicked in. I have to say it pretty much freaked out the people in Starbucks, when I burnt my hand on the percolater the dull music turned into this piercing scream of static. It was only when a woman at the front of the queue started to sing "I will Survive" that I realised that the music had only been reflecting my inner-struggle with my homosexual persuasion, symbolised not by mumbled lyrics, but supressed lyrics, and anger I felt at my feelings was rendered in the death-scream of the speed-metal frontman. When I realised the music faded into the background after a glorious fanfare that reflected my epiphany."
He was no the only person to feel the presence of symbolism and imagery in their day. A cab driver was disturbed to note the shifting light patterns that coincided with his mood changes:
"It was only after I got message about the Lynch thing on ma dispatch radio that I thought I got me some symbology going on here, and then all a sudden, the light on ma cab ceiling lit up real bright, and that was symbology right there cos I had got me an idea, you see?"
Sadly similar epiphanies were not experienced by all. Several suburbs were rendered bitterly satirical versions of themselves, with all inhabitants wearing broad but artificial grins, and people being obviously false. One suburb became so vapid that a completely vacuum of personality was created, sucking in all of the houses and inhabitants and compacting them into a one-inch sphere, which was unfortunately devoured by a dog before anything could be done to reverse the occurence. Yet more tragedy was to follow when the dog was taken to Washington vet via air ambulance, in case the vapidity was contagious. As the Lynch phenomonen wore off the suburb returned to normal size, levelling a significant amount of Washington and tearing the dog apart.
Perhaps the most surreal occurence has been HBO's complete denial that it screened a David Lynch special, and the director's own assertion that he would have refused permission for such a special in any case because of his dislike of adverts interrupting his films. Indeed suggestions abound that the entire Lynch special was actually a subliminal broadcast secreted into HBO's regular line-up by Iraqi operatives. In retaliation the US government is planning to send a crack brigade of existential French philosophers, who will not just wreak havoc in the effects of passive smoking from their endless supply of Gallois, but also demoralise the Iraqui population with impassioned speeches on the non-existence of Allah. Human Rights campaigners tried to protest about the inhumanity of the plan, but found they had changed identity with a family of chipmunks mid-way through the day and proceeded only to gnaw on their desks and eat nuts.
As of yet, no figure has been put on the damage wrought by the David Lynch Special, but it is expected to run into billions. The director himself is now the subject of a congress bill, which senators hope to pass before the end of Summer, stipulating that the films of David Lynch never be shown to an unsuspecting public.
in unrelated news:
GEORGE BUSH IN COMA AFTER CHIPMUNK ATTACK
Congress was yesterday alive with the news that George W. Bush had been savagely knawed into a coma by a family of chipmunks. The President was out being walking his beloved dog and policy advisor Buddy when he was set upon by an estimated 20 chipmunks. In the struggle the President was knocked unconcious and then dragged into a tree hollow by the marauding creatures. Where he remained for 2 hours until the alarm was raised at the Whitehouse when Bush's wife finally realised that the Buddy had been trying to tell her something when he ran up with a a piece of paper saying "You husband has been attacked by chipmunks and is trapped in a tree hollow".
When CIA operatives retrieved the President, he was thought to be in a deep sleep, and so was simply put to bed without any dinner. When he failed to wake up in the morning he was rushed to hospital where X-rays revealed that his skull cavity had been permeated by chipmunk, only narrowly missing his brain cell. After a grueling 20 hour operation, in which surgeons watched every episode of ER back to back for clues on how to operate, the chipmunk made its own way out of the President's skull and left him still in a coma. However, there has been speculation that the President is only faking it so he can get a few weeks off work and play at his Texas Ranch instead. Meanwhile Dick Cheney will assume command at the White House until the President "recovers".
Ah no I'll go with you on the lame features thing, the highlight of the Twin peaks DVD, excluding commentaries by cameramen and sound engineers, is a featurette in which they find the real life owner of the RR Diner and let her ramble for 10 minutes.
Apparently Lynch feels that his films should be completely uninterrupted, and that they should only be watched from start to finish. He's so picky about it that the US Mulholland Drive DVD didn't have any chapter marks on it. Apparently they got some film students to do a commentary to Blue Velvet, though that would probably be an orgy of name-dropping and explain very little about the film.
Twin Peaks is an odd one. It's getting a release in Germany in November, but there's no UK release. That said, the German DVD includes the original English soundtrack and there's a German soundtrack as well, which would suggest that subtitles are optional. It'll include all of the first season including the pilot and commentaries on each episode, but not by Lynch himself. There's a variety of other extras but my German's pretty lame and I can't really make out what they are. And it costs 50 euros, which is just over £30, for a 4 disc set. I don't know if they'll announce a Brit release nearer the time, but if not I'll just get the German one, because it looks like it's the American version plus the pilot plus an optional German soundtrack. And then Season 2 is scheduled for 2003 sometime, but that's not out in the US either.
Twin Peaks is an odd one. It's getting a release in Germany in November, but there's no UK release. That said, the German DVD includes the original English soundtrack and there's a German soundtrack as well, which would suggest that subtitles are optional. It'll include all of the first season including the pilot and commentaries on each episode, but not by Lynch himself. There's a variety of other extras but my German's pretty lame and I can't really make out what they are. And it costs 50 euros, which is just over £30, for a 4 disc set. I don't know if they'll announce a Brit release nearer the time, but if not I'll just get the German one, because it looks like it's the American version plus the pilot plus an optional German soundtrack. And then Season 2 is scheduled for 2003 sometime, but that's not out in the US either.
I loved Mulholland Drive, but damned if I understand *any* of it.
But that's just Lynch for me, I surrender myself to his world and enjoy being there.
It's like being kidnapped in London, trussed and blindfolded and transported to a foreign country before being released.
You wander about being confused and slightly nervous, but still interested.
Hurrah for Twin Peaks on DVD, although Lynch's DVDs lack any decent features, I'd love to hear a commentary by the actors or him, but I think actor's commentary would be "Er...I dont get this bit either and...oh look, I'm naked again! And here comes some rotting fruit and a gun"
But that's just Lynch for me, I surrender myself to his world and enjoy being there.
It's like being kidnapped in London, trussed and blindfolded and transported to a foreign country before being released.
You wander about being confused and slightly nervous, but still interested.
Hurrah for Twin Peaks on DVD, although Lynch's DVDs lack any decent features, I'd love to hear a commentary by the actors or him, but I think actor's commentary would be "Er...I dont get this bit either and...oh look, I'm naked again! And here comes some rotting fruit and a gun"
Everyone needs to be poncy at least once in a while... Besides I've bee watching the Lost Highway and The Twin Peaks follow up, so I was in a Lynch mood...
I did find this on imdb as well, which is apparently Lynch's 10 clues for unlocking Mulholland Drive,
1. Pay particular attention in the beginning of the film: at least two clues are revealed before the credits.
2. Notice appearances of the red lampshade.
3. Can you hear the title of the film that Adam Kesher is auditioning actresses for? Is it mentioned again?
4. An accident is a terrible event... notice the location of the accident.
5. Who gives a key, and why?
6. Notice the robe, the ashtray, the coffee cup.
7. What is felt, realized and gathered at the club Silencio?
8. Did talent alone help Camilla?
9. Notice the occurrences surrounding the man behind Winkies.
10. Where is Aunt Ruth?
I can't remember the film well enough to answer all of them but I'll probably have an attempt at making sense of it when it comes out on DVD.. Apparently season 1 of Twin Peaks is pencilled in for a Region 2 release in a while as well.
I did find this on imdb as well, which is apparently Lynch's 10 clues for unlocking Mulholland Drive,
1. Pay particular attention in the beginning of the film: at least two clues are revealed before the credits.
2. Notice appearances of the red lampshade.
3. Can you hear the title of the film that Adam Kesher is auditioning actresses for? Is it mentioned again?
4. An accident is a terrible event... notice the location of the accident.
5. Who gives a key, and why?
6. Notice the robe, the ashtray, the coffee cup.
7. What is felt, realized and gathered at the club Silencio?
8. Did talent alone help Camilla?
9. Notice the occurrences surrounding the man behind Winkies.
10. Where is Aunt Ruth?
I can't remember the film well enough to answer all of them but I'll probably have an attempt at making sense of it when it comes out on DVD.. Apparently season 1 of Twin Peaks is pencilled in for a Region 2 release in a while as well.
Funny in a poncy highbrow "Ooooo I like subtitled movies about peasants" kind of way.
"Mentally you picture my dog, but I have not told you the type of dog that I have. Maybe you even pictured Toto...from the Wizard of Oz!"
"Mentally you picture my dog, but I have not told you the type of dog that I have. Maybe you even pictured Toto...from the Wizard of Oz!"
Courtesy of the New York Times:
WHEN TRIBUTE TURNS TO TRAGEDY
While average cinema-goers may never hav heard or seen the work of David Lynch, he is still widely regarded as one of the industry's few true auteurs. In this light cable channel HBO, with its track record of kooky programming - "Six Feet Under", "the Sopranos" and "Sex and the City" to name but a few - dedicated an entire Sunday to the works of this cinematic legend. The special began innocuously with "The Straight Story" but became progressively more surreal, culminating in the network premiere of Lynch's latest film, "Mulholland Drive". More bizarrely, the special was unscheduled and unannounced by the cable giant, and thus attained record viewing figures, as it pulled in audiences who had been expecting to settle down to a double bill of "the Sopranos" and "Six Feet Under".
However, the prolonged exposure to a farrago of Lynchian nightmare worlds proved to have devastating effects which unfolded the following day. Early in the morning the New York City police department was already receiving reports of traffic gridlock throughout the city, as thousands of commuters tried to make their journeys on lawn mowers, while the rest displayed a strange obsession with the passing markings on the road. This combination resulted in a 26-mile tailback that meant many people never made it to work to at all. Tragically, 26 people were killed when stockbroker Adam Kesher, riding an industrial sized lawn mower and trying to look at the lines on the road, ploughed into a crowd of people that had gathered following a reported sighting of Kyle MacLachlan.
Indeed, early polls suggest that an astonishing 90% of people who had watched the special reported an increased presence of Kyle MacLachlan in their lives. Two New York Times secretaries became embroiled in a fist fight after both claimed to have had lunch with the well-known actor, simultaneously. As sightings increased America's top gossip magazine, The National Enquirer was forced to close its phone-lines, after receiving in excess of 200 calls a minute with information ranging from reports that Kyle MacLachlan had taken up work in a shoe-shop to allegations that he had broken into an appartment. MacLachlan's agent refuted all the allegations, saying that the actor had spent the entire day with him enjoying a game of golf, though MacLachlan's stylist claimed that he had made passionate love to her on a snooker table, and his personal trainer added that MacLachlan had spent the entire day in the gym. The upsurge in sightings proved catastrophic for Hollywood's "Kyle MacLachlan Lookalikes Inc." which was forced to close its doors, as demand for lookalikes dried up, leaving 26 people unemployed. Company director Jeffrey Beaumont, himself a former Kyle lookalike, commented "It's a great shame, normally we'd be doing weddings and stripograms at this time of year, but now the real Kyle's being seen everywhere no-one's interested. In fact one of Kyle strippers was knocked out by the real Kyle after he showed up at stag-do that was being held in the same pub Kyle was drinking in. But at the end of the day I guess it's just free-market economics; with that supply of Kyle in the market, there's bound to be a downturn in demand.
The number 26 was also seen to play an increased role during the day, given its nature as a Lynchian trademark. New York's own fire crew from the 26th Precinct found that it had switched identities with the city's 26th precinct police force. To their credit both groups of men coped admirably, with the fire crews using their high-powered hoses to break up a bank robbery, and a police team putting out a fire at a chemical factory using spitting alone. Once it became clear that a Lynchian nightmare was indeed taking place, the armed forces evacuated every apartment numbered 26, and eventually all those with a number totalling 26 as well, after an out-of-work actress in appartment 12689 gave birth to an alien.
It was a day of strang occurences for many New York citizens. One Starbucks worker reported the strange presence of ambient music in his day:
"It started off when I got out of bed, there was this gentle tapping music with mumbled up lyrics and I couldn't tell where it was coming from, and it made me angry, at which point this screaming speed-metal kicked in. I have to say it pretty much freaked out the people in Starbucks, when I burnt my hand on the percolater the dull music turned into this piercing scream of static. It was only when a woman at the front of the queue started to sing "I will Survive" that I realised that the music had only been reflecting my inner-struggle with my homosexual persuasion, symbolised not by mumbled lyrics, but supressed lyrics, and anger I felt at my feelings was rendered in the death-scream of the speed-metal frontman. When I realised the music faded into the background after a glorious fanfare that reflected my epiphany."
He was no the only person to feel the presence of symbolism and imagery in their day. A cab driver was disturbed to note the shifting light patterns that coincided with his mood changes:
"It was only after I got message about the Lynch thing on ma dispatch radio that I thought I got me some symbology going on here, and then all a sudden, the light on ma cab ceiling lit up real bright, and that was symbology right there cos I had got me an idea, you see?"
Sadly similar epiphanies were not experienced by all. Several suburbs were rendered bitterly satirical versions of themselves, with all inhabitants wearing broad but artificial grins, and people being obviously false. One suburb became so vapid that a completely vacuum of personality was created, sucking in all of the houses and inhabitants and compacting them into a one-inch sphere, which was unfortunately devoured by a dog before anything could be done to reverse the occurence. Yet more tragedy was to follow when the dog was taken to Washington vet via air ambulance, in case the vapidity was contagious. As the Lynch phenomonen wore off the suburb returned to normal size, levelling a significant amount of Washington and tearing the dog apart.
Perhaps the most surreal occurence has been HBO's complete denial that it screened a David Lynch special, and the director's own assertion that he would have refused permission for such a special in any case because of his dislike of adverts interrupting his films. Indeed suggestions abound that the entire Lynch special was actually a subliminal broadcast secreted into HBO's regular line-up by Iraqi operatives. In retaliation the US government is planning to send a crack brigade of existential French philosophers, who will not just wreak havoc in the effects of passive smoking from their endless supply of Gallois, but also demoralise the Iraqui population with impassioned speeches on the non-existence of Allah. Human Rights campaigners tried to protest about the inhumanity of the plan, but found they had changed identity with a family of chipmunks mid-way through the day and proceeded only to gnaw on their desks and eat nuts.
As of yet, no figure has been put on the damage wrought by the David Lynch Special, but it is expected to run into billions. The director himself is now the subject of a congress bill, which senators hope to pass before the end of Summer, stipulating that the films of David Lynch never be shown to an unsuspecting public.
in unrelated news:
GEORGE BUSH IN COMA AFTER CHIPMUNK ATTACK
Congress was yesterday alive with the news that George W. Bush had been savagely knawed into a coma by a family of chipmunks. The President was out being walking his beloved dog and policy advisor Buddy when he was set upon by an estimated 20 chipmunks. In the struggle the President was knocked unconcious and then dragged into a tree hollow by the marauding creatures. Where he remained for 2 hours until the alarm was raised at the Whitehouse when Bush's wife finally realised that the Buddy had been trying to tell her something when he ran up with a a piece of paper saying "You husband has been attacked by chipmunks and is trapped in a tree hollow".
When CIA operatives retrieved the President, he was thought to be in a deep sleep, and so was simply put to bed without any dinner. When he failed to wake up in the morning he was rushed to hospital where X-rays revealed that his skull cavity had been permeated by chipmunk, only narrowly missing his brain cell. After a grueling 20 hour operation, in which surgeons watched every episode of ER back to back for clues on how to operate, the chipmunk made its own way out of the President's skull and left him still in a coma. However, there has been speculation that the President is only faking it so he can get a few weeks off work and play at his Texas Ranch instead. Meanwhile Dick Cheney will assume command at the White House until the President "recovers".
WHEN TRIBUTE TURNS TO TRAGEDY
While average cinema-goers may never hav heard or seen the work of David Lynch, he is still widely regarded as one of the industry's few true auteurs. In this light cable channel HBO, with its track record of kooky programming - "Six Feet Under", "the Sopranos" and "Sex and the City" to name but a few - dedicated an entire Sunday to the works of this cinematic legend. The special began innocuously with "The Straight Story" but became progressively more surreal, culminating in the network premiere of Lynch's latest film, "Mulholland Drive". More bizarrely, the special was unscheduled and unannounced by the cable giant, and thus attained record viewing figures, as it pulled in audiences who had been expecting to settle down to a double bill of "the Sopranos" and "Six Feet Under".
However, the prolonged exposure to a farrago of Lynchian nightmare worlds proved to have devastating effects which unfolded the following day. Early in the morning the New York City police department was already receiving reports of traffic gridlock throughout the city, as thousands of commuters tried to make their journeys on lawn mowers, while the rest displayed a strange obsession with the passing markings on the road. This combination resulted in a 26-mile tailback that meant many people never made it to work to at all. Tragically, 26 people were killed when stockbroker Adam Kesher, riding an industrial sized lawn mower and trying to look at the lines on the road, ploughed into a crowd of people that had gathered following a reported sighting of Kyle MacLachlan.
Indeed, early polls suggest that an astonishing 90% of people who had watched the special reported an increased presence of Kyle MacLachlan in their lives. Two New York Times secretaries became embroiled in a fist fight after both claimed to have had lunch with the well-known actor, simultaneously. As sightings increased America's top gossip magazine, The National Enquirer was forced to close its phone-lines, after receiving in excess of 200 calls a minute with information ranging from reports that Kyle MacLachlan had taken up work in a shoe-shop to allegations that he had broken into an appartment. MacLachlan's agent refuted all the allegations, saying that the actor had spent the entire day with him enjoying a game of golf, though MacLachlan's stylist claimed that he had made passionate love to her on a snooker table, and his personal trainer added that MacLachlan had spent the entire day in the gym. The upsurge in sightings proved catastrophic for Hollywood's "Kyle MacLachlan Lookalikes Inc." which was forced to close its doors, as demand for lookalikes dried up, leaving 26 people unemployed. Company director Jeffrey Beaumont, himself a former Kyle lookalike, commented "It's a great shame, normally we'd be doing weddings and stripograms at this time of year, but now the real Kyle's being seen everywhere no-one's interested. In fact one of Kyle strippers was knocked out by the real Kyle after he showed up at stag-do that was being held in the same pub Kyle was drinking in. But at the end of the day I guess it's just free-market economics; with that supply of Kyle in the market, there's bound to be a downturn in demand.
The number 26 was also seen to play an increased role during the day, given its nature as a Lynchian trademark. New York's own fire crew from the 26th Precinct found that it had switched identities with the city's 26th precinct police force. To their credit both groups of men coped admirably, with the fire crews using their high-powered hoses to break up a bank robbery, and a police team putting out a fire at a chemical factory using spitting alone. Once it became clear that a Lynchian nightmare was indeed taking place, the armed forces evacuated every apartment numbered 26, and eventually all those with a number totalling 26 as well, after an out-of-work actress in appartment 12689 gave birth to an alien.
It was a day of strang occurences for many New York citizens. One Starbucks worker reported the strange presence of ambient music in his day:
"It started off when I got out of bed, there was this gentle tapping music with mumbled up lyrics and I couldn't tell where it was coming from, and it made me angry, at which point this screaming speed-metal kicked in. I have to say it pretty much freaked out the people in Starbucks, when I burnt my hand on the percolater the dull music turned into this piercing scream of static. It was only when a woman at the front of the queue started to sing "I will Survive" that I realised that the music had only been reflecting my inner-struggle with my homosexual persuasion, symbolised not by mumbled lyrics, but supressed lyrics, and anger I felt at my feelings was rendered in the death-scream of the speed-metal frontman. When I realised the music faded into the background after a glorious fanfare that reflected my epiphany."
He was no the only person to feel the presence of symbolism and imagery in their day. A cab driver was disturbed to note the shifting light patterns that coincided with his mood changes:
"It was only after I got message about the Lynch thing on ma dispatch radio that I thought I got me some symbology going on here, and then all a sudden, the light on ma cab ceiling lit up real bright, and that was symbology right there cos I had got me an idea, you see?"
Sadly similar epiphanies were not experienced by all. Several suburbs were rendered bitterly satirical versions of themselves, with all inhabitants wearing broad but artificial grins, and people being obviously false. One suburb became so vapid that a completely vacuum of personality was created, sucking in all of the houses and inhabitants and compacting them into a one-inch sphere, which was unfortunately devoured by a dog before anything could be done to reverse the occurence. Yet more tragedy was to follow when the dog was taken to Washington vet via air ambulance, in case the vapidity was contagious. As the Lynch phenomonen wore off the suburb returned to normal size, levelling a significant amount of Washington and tearing the dog apart.
Perhaps the most surreal occurence has been HBO's complete denial that it screened a David Lynch special, and the director's own assertion that he would have refused permission for such a special in any case because of his dislike of adverts interrupting his films. Indeed suggestions abound that the entire Lynch special was actually a subliminal broadcast secreted into HBO's regular line-up by Iraqi operatives. In retaliation the US government is planning to send a crack brigade of existential French philosophers, who will not just wreak havoc in the effects of passive smoking from their endless supply of Gallois, but also demoralise the Iraqui population with impassioned speeches on the non-existence of Allah. Human Rights campaigners tried to protest about the inhumanity of the plan, but found they had changed identity with a family of chipmunks mid-way through the day and proceeded only to gnaw on their desks and eat nuts.
As of yet, no figure has been put on the damage wrought by the David Lynch Special, but it is expected to run into billions. The director himself is now the subject of a congress bill, which senators hope to pass before the end of Summer, stipulating that the films of David Lynch never be shown to an unsuspecting public.
in unrelated news:
GEORGE BUSH IN COMA AFTER CHIPMUNK ATTACK
Congress was yesterday alive with the news that George W. Bush had been savagely knawed into a coma by a family of chipmunks. The President was out being walking his beloved dog and policy advisor Buddy when he was set upon by an estimated 20 chipmunks. In the struggle the President was knocked unconcious and then dragged into a tree hollow by the marauding creatures. Where he remained for 2 hours until the alarm was raised at the Whitehouse when Bush's wife finally realised that the Buddy had been trying to tell her something when he ran up with a a piece of paper saying "You husband has been attacked by chipmunks and is trapped in a tree hollow".
When CIA operatives retrieved the President, he was thought to be in a deep sleep, and so was simply put to bed without any dinner. When he failed to wake up in the morning he was rushed to hospital where X-rays revealed that his skull cavity had been permeated by chipmunk, only narrowly missing his brain cell. After a grueling 20 hour operation, in which surgeons watched every episode of ER back to back for clues on how to operate, the chipmunk made its own way out of the President's skull and left him still in a coma. However, there has been speculation that the President is only faking it so he can get a few weeks off work and play at his Texas Ranch instead. Meanwhile Dick Cheney will assume command at the White House until the President "recovers".