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The newly selected Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has promised a dramatic turnaround in the fortunes of the beleaguered Church of England. Having acknowledged the general disinterest in matters religical at the moment, he has decided to embark on a series of sweeping reforms that bring God back to the people.
His plans could only be revealed after he announced the official flotation of the Church of England on the London Stock Exchange, a measure that he believes will bring much needed money into the church's cobweb-filled coffers. In line with stock market regulations Williams will now give monthly debriefings on the C of E's business strategy and objectives. In the first of these it was announced that the Church of England will be employing a top marketing company to devise a new name for it that can help the Church lose its stuffy image. Suggestions already proposed included "Ingodnia", "Church X" and "God and Son".
Williams is also planning a multi-media advertising campaign featuring David Beckham in the role of God. Speaking with his mouth full Williams said: "Yes it's controversial, but we've conducted studies on dead people to find out what God looks like and when we asked them to lie completely still if He looked like David Beckham an astonishing 99.9% confirmed our suspicions. There was one man who sat bolt upright and ignited before looking at us with glowing eyes who said in a booming voice "God does not look like David Beckham" before returning to deadness, but we put that one down to a statistical anomaly."
Among the Archbishop's most contentious reforms concern the Bible. Williams commented "Let's face it; if I stop your average Joe in the street and say Ezekiel, he'll most likely punch my lights out. If Mike Tyson gets punched in the face, he doesn't turn the other cheek and if someone followed the laws set out in Deuteronomy they'd probably get arrested. What we need is change to bring the Bible kicking and screaming into the 21st century."
And change there will be. The Bible will be rewritten by J.K. Rowling featuring her star creation Harry Potter, and come with a free cd featuring music by top Christian rock bands such as Creed and POD. Williams also hopes to convert the lucrative Star Wars demographic by offering an exclusive once-in-a-life-time opportunity to stay at the Lucas Ranch for a week to the first person to memorise the entire tome. Several Star Wars fans are reportedly already camping outside their churches waiting for the new Bible to come in.
Even though some Christians have reacted with fury at the proposals to allow a band as bland as Creed on to the Bible cd, Williams looks set to reinvigorate the Church. London traders have already talked up the floatation price to record levels, and even conservative estimates suggest that the C of E's soul-saving figures will increase by at least forty times in the coming fiscal year. Indeed the C of E is being tipped to become the market leader in Religion taking over from the highly successful Catholic Church. Catholicism remains dogged by the problem of internet file-sharing. Commented one angry cardinal:
"It's tantamount to stealing. Catholics just aren't coming to Church anymore; they're downloading whole sermons off the internet and getting their daily fix of religion that way and all the while little baby Jesus cries."
So watch out Atheists and Agnostics, Rowan Williams is coming for your souls.
His plans could only be revealed after he announced the official flotation of the Church of England on the London Stock Exchange, a measure that he believes will bring much needed money into the church's cobweb-filled coffers. In line with stock market regulations Williams will now give monthly debriefings on the C of E's business strategy and objectives. In the first of these it was announced that the Church of England will be employing a top marketing company to devise a new name for it that can help the Church lose its stuffy image. Suggestions already proposed included "Ingodnia", "Church X" and "God and Son".
Williams is also planning a multi-media advertising campaign featuring David Beckham in the role of God. Speaking with his mouth full Williams said: "Yes it's controversial, but we've conducted studies on dead people to find out what God looks like and when we asked them to lie completely still if He looked like David Beckham an astonishing 99.9% confirmed our suspicions. There was one man who sat bolt upright and ignited before looking at us with glowing eyes who said in a booming voice "God does not look like David Beckham" before returning to deadness, but we put that one down to a statistical anomaly."
Among the Archbishop's most contentious reforms concern the Bible. Williams commented "Let's face it; if I stop your average Joe in the street and say Ezekiel, he'll most likely punch my lights out. If Mike Tyson gets punched in the face, he doesn't turn the other cheek and if someone followed the laws set out in Deuteronomy they'd probably get arrested. What we need is change to bring the Bible kicking and screaming into the 21st century."
And change there will be. The Bible will be rewritten by J.K. Rowling featuring her star creation Harry Potter, and come with a free cd featuring music by top Christian rock bands such as Creed and POD. Williams also hopes to convert the lucrative Star Wars demographic by offering an exclusive once-in-a-life-time opportunity to stay at the Lucas Ranch for a week to the first person to memorise the entire tome. Several Star Wars fans are reportedly already camping outside their churches waiting for the new Bible to come in.
Even though some Christians have reacted with fury at the proposals to allow a band as bland as Creed on to the Bible cd, Williams looks set to reinvigorate the Church. London traders have already talked up the floatation price to record levels, and even conservative estimates suggest that the C of E's soul-saving figures will increase by at least forty times in the coming fiscal year. Indeed the C of E is being tipped to become the market leader in Religion taking over from the highly successful Catholic Church. Catholicism remains dogged by the problem of internet file-sharing. Commented one angry cardinal:
"It's tantamount to stealing. Catholics just aren't coming to Church anymore; they're downloading whole sermons off the internet and getting their daily fix of religion that way and all the while little baby Jesus cries."
So watch out Atheists and Agnostics, Rowan Williams is coming for your souls.
Meka Dragon wrote:
> www.when-consoles-attack.co.uk
>
> is best viewed in IE.
Geoff the tramp is genius :-)
As is all of it.
> www.when-consoles-attack.co.uk
>
> is best viewed in IE.
Geoff the tramp is genius :-)
As is all of it.
Don't worry, I wasn't accusing you of plagiarising me or owt.
I just have a habit of mentioning me in almost every post. Very bad habit I have.
oh, by the way:
www.when-consoles-attack.co.uk
is best viewed in IE.
D'oh, did it again. See what I mean? :o)
I just have a habit of mentioning me in almost every post. Very bad habit I have.
oh, by the way:
www.when-consoles-attack.co.uk
is best viewed in IE.
D'oh, did it again. See what I mean? :o)
Coincidence I assure you, I thought about Congodnia, but ingodnia sounded better.. maybe I was subconsciously plagiarising you.
Shaneo should use that line.. "I'd read the review a few days earlier.. goddam, I must have subconsciously plagiarised it word for word!" :-)
Shaneo should use that line.. "I'd read the review a few days earlier.. goddam, I must have subconsciously plagiarised it word for word!" :-)
Excellent. :o)
Coincidently, when I wrote a story about Pedigree Chum changing their name, they became "Indognia".
Coincidently, when I wrote a story about Pedigree Chum changing their name, they became "Indognia".
No, that would be silly.
Mr.Snuggly wrote:
> You really are a very funny fellow. Church X, sounds like a great
> idea. I might start going.
Any chance of renaming the forum life, the universe and church reform?
:-)
> You really are a very funny fellow. Church X, sounds like a great
> idea. I might start going.
Any chance of renaming the forum life, the universe and church reform?
:-)
Ha f'ing ha.
You really are a very funny fellow. Church X, sounds like a great idea. I might start going.
The newly selected Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has promised a dramatic turnaround in the fortunes of the beleaguered Church of England. Having acknowledged the general disinterest in matters religical at the moment, he has decided to embark on a series of sweeping reforms that bring God back to the people.
His plans could only be revealed after he announced the official flotation of the Church of England on the London Stock Exchange, a measure that he believes will bring much needed money into the church's cobweb-filled coffers. In line with stock market regulations Williams will now give monthly debriefings on the C of E's business strategy and objectives. In the first of these it was announced that the Church of England will be employing a top marketing company to devise a new name for it that can help the Church lose its stuffy image. Suggestions already proposed included "Ingodnia", "Church X" and "God and Son".
Williams is also planning a multi-media advertising campaign featuring David Beckham in the role of God. Speaking with his mouth full Williams said: "Yes it's controversial, but we've conducted studies on dead people to find out what God looks like and when we asked them to lie completely still if He looked like David Beckham an astonishing 99.9% confirmed our suspicions. There was one man who sat bolt upright and ignited before looking at us with glowing eyes who said in a booming voice "God does not look like David Beckham" before returning to deadness, but we put that one down to a statistical anomaly."
Among the Archbishop's most contentious reforms concern the Bible. Williams commented "Let's face it; if I stop your average Joe in the street and say Ezekiel, he'll most likely punch my lights out. If Mike Tyson gets punched in the face, he doesn't turn the other cheek and if someone followed the laws set out in Deuteronomy they'd probably get arrested. What we need is change to bring the Bible kicking and screaming into the 21st century."
And change there will be. The Bible will be rewritten by J.K. Rowling featuring her star creation Harry Potter, and come with a free cd featuring music by top Christian rock bands such as Creed and POD. Williams also hopes to convert the lucrative Star Wars demographic by offering an exclusive once-in-a-life-time opportunity to stay at the Lucas Ranch for a week to the first person to memorise the entire tome. Several Star Wars fans are reportedly already camping outside their churches waiting for the new Bible to come in.
Even though some Christians have reacted with fury at the proposals to allow a band as bland as Creed on to the Bible cd, Williams looks set to reinvigorate the Church. London traders have already talked up the floatation price to record levels, and even conservative estimates suggest that the C of E's soul-saving figures will increase by at least forty times in the coming fiscal year. Indeed the C of E is being tipped to become the market leader in Religion taking over from the highly successful Catholic Church. Catholicism remains dogged by the problem of internet file-sharing. Commented one angry cardinal:
"It's tantamount to stealing. Catholics just aren't coming to Church anymore; they're downloading whole sermons off the internet and getting their daily fix of religion that way and all the while little baby Jesus cries."
So watch out Atheists and Agnostics, Rowan Williams is coming for your souls.
His plans could only be revealed after he announced the official flotation of the Church of England on the London Stock Exchange, a measure that he believes will bring much needed money into the church's cobweb-filled coffers. In line with stock market regulations Williams will now give monthly debriefings on the C of E's business strategy and objectives. In the first of these it was announced that the Church of England will be employing a top marketing company to devise a new name for it that can help the Church lose its stuffy image. Suggestions already proposed included "Ingodnia", "Church X" and "God and Son".
Williams is also planning a multi-media advertising campaign featuring David Beckham in the role of God. Speaking with his mouth full Williams said: "Yes it's controversial, but we've conducted studies on dead people to find out what God looks like and when we asked them to lie completely still if He looked like David Beckham an astonishing 99.9% confirmed our suspicions. There was one man who sat bolt upright and ignited before looking at us with glowing eyes who said in a booming voice "God does not look like David Beckham" before returning to deadness, but we put that one down to a statistical anomaly."
Among the Archbishop's most contentious reforms concern the Bible. Williams commented "Let's face it; if I stop your average Joe in the street and say Ezekiel, he'll most likely punch my lights out. If Mike Tyson gets punched in the face, he doesn't turn the other cheek and if someone followed the laws set out in Deuteronomy they'd probably get arrested. What we need is change to bring the Bible kicking and screaming into the 21st century."
And change there will be. The Bible will be rewritten by J.K. Rowling featuring her star creation Harry Potter, and come with a free cd featuring music by top Christian rock bands such as Creed and POD. Williams also hopes to convert the lucrative Star Wars demographic by offering an exclusive once-in-a-life-time opportunity to stay at the Lucas Ranch for a week to the first person to memorise the entire tome. Several Star Wars fans are reportedly already camping outside their churches waiting for the new Bible to come in.
Even though some Christians have reacted with fury at the proposals to allow a band as bland as Creed on to the Bible cd, Williams looks set to reinvigorate the Church. London traders have already talked up the floatation price to record levels, and even conservative estimates suggest that the C of E's soul-saving figures will increase by at least forty times in the coming fiscal year. Indeed the C of E is being tipped to become the market leader in Religion taking over from the highly successful Catholic Church. Catholicism remains dogged by the problem of internet file-sharing. Commented one angry cardinal:
"It's tantamount to stealing. Catholics just aren't coming to Church anymore; they're downloading whole sermons off the internet and getting their daily fix of religion that way and all the while little baby Jesus cries."
So watch out Atheists and Agnostics, Rowan Williams is coming for your souls.