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It is the year Two Thousand and Something. Using two bald blokes and a bald bird, Tom Cruise can stop magical stuff. Occasionally the bloke from Ballykissangel tries to stop him, but Tom Cruise is a magical short pixie and runs away.
MoJo :Bollards. Turn it off.
Rakuga: We’re in the cinema mate. I can’t turn it off.
MoJo : OI! You, the pasty bloke behind the camera. Turn it off.
Pasty Bloke: No.
MoJo : Fair enough. Let’s go then.
(They wander out of the cinema and into a big office down the street. A little chap is typing hurriedly on the computer)
Rakuga: Oi, you. Who are you?
RastaBillySkank: No-one.
MoJo: It just said RastaBillySkank.
RBS: Oh.
Rakuga: So, what are you doing?
RBS: Nothing.
MoJo: You’re trying to win GAD!
RBS: No I’m not!
Rakuga: He can’t have done. I don’t hear a red ball rolling.
Lo, a red ball is heard with a distinctive rolling sound.
MoJo: (grabs the red ball as it falls from nowhere) Aha! Trying to win GAD, you were. You’re under arrest by order of the Pre-GAD.
RBS: Nooooo! I’ll be good! I can spam! REALLY!
Rakuga: Yeah, right. You’ll spam like the rest of us after a couple of years in the Chat.
(RBS is dragged away gibbering)
Rakuga: Listen, MoJo, you’re looking a bit like Tom Cruise.
MoJo: And you look like the black bloke who’s also in Minority Report.
Rakuga: Funny that, me being white and all. Shall we go stop some more GADs?
MoJo: (picks up magical fairy gloves) Alrighty then. Prod the PreGADs with the pointed stick.
(Below are three gibbering bald monkeys. Rakuga prods them a bit. MoJo waves the gloves a bit, and then slaps up the monkeys.)
MoJo: Who’s going to win GAD then?
(Images flash onto screen. MoJo is writing a massive spoof, and then it turns yellow.)
MoJo: What? No!
Rakuga: Oh damn. Off you trot then. I’ll give you 2 hours.
MoJo: You mean 2 minutes.
Rakuga: Yes, probably. At this point, I would like to point out that Tony, frustrated at giving out 3 GADs a day, invented this system to stop all potential GAD winners. There have been no murders in Washington D.C, but that is beside the point.
(MoJo runs away and trips over the leg of Sibs.)
Sibs: Aha, caught you. I’m going to kiss my watch now. Look at it shine.
MoJo: Weren’t you on Ballykissangel?
Sibs: To be sure, no. That was Colin Farrell. He is just remarkably similar to me. To be sure.
MoJo: That’s alright then. I’m going to steal this PreGAD monkey, if that’s all right by you.
Sibs: But we’ll scan your eyeballs.
MoJo: Aha, I shall have my eyeballs swopped. Also I shall close my eyes near an eye scanner.
Sibs: Damn, fiendishly clever. Time for some fisticuffs.
(They engage in some good old fashioned fisticuffs. Batman type words flash onto the screen.)
MoJo: Look, a Lexus! Whuzzah!
(He dives into the Lexus. Unfortunately, it’s only just been made and thus has no petrol in it)
MoJo: Oh crap, nothings going right. LOOK THAT WAY!
Sibs: What? What is it I am looking at? Is it this wall? If so, it’s not very interesting. Oh, you’ve gone. Scan his eyeballs!
Rakuga: He’s got his eyes closed, sir.
Sibs: Gah, he’s defeated our masterly system. Look, I’m going to dismantle his keyboard. There’s a picture here, for some obscure reason.
Spielburg: (pops his head in): Tis a cunning clue. Look at the washed colour effect. Does it not remind you of Blade Runner?
Sibs: No, actually.
Spielburg: Oh. Bye then.
Sibs: To this blokes holodeck place!
Rakuga: Can’t say holodeck sir.
(Elsewhere, in the holodeck place)
AliBoy: Bah, look at this. Even this monkey pre-sees you winning a GAD.
MoJo: Noooooo! I’m done for! I’ve got nothing else to do but take some drugs.
Spielburg: Look! Look! He’s taking drugs! This symbolises he’s not your run of the mill clean cut hero and will therefore have to overcome something to win! Can we all say Oscar?
AliBoy: Sod off. Oh look, that bloke from Ballykissangel is here. You’d better run. Run far away. Pump those legs. RUUU..
MoJo: Yes, I get it.
Spielburg: Do you see how this running symbolises how he is running from his past? Eh? Eh?
(MoJo runs out into a magical alley, and there are some blokes with jetpacks)
Lucas (pops in): Wow, you’ve had a construction belt scene and now jet packs.
Spielburg: But mine has artistic meaning!
Lucas: Yeah, but mine had really big bulls.
MoJo: Sod off! Both of you!
(They stroll off, arguing amicably in the chummy Hollywood way we know and love so well)
Rakuga: Don’t run, MoJo.
MoJo: OK. I’m knackered anyway.
Spielburg: But you must run! It symbolises your infant child is chasing you!
MoJo: Arrest him as well. He’s annoying me, and got all this brooding to do. Can you see my eyebrows? Some damn good brooding there, I think.
Lucas: REALLY BIG BULL!
(Rakuga proceeds to deck the film directors)
(MoJo grabs a jetpack and runs away)
Spielburg: AHA! Told you he’d run. Everybody runs. Apart from most of the cast. But still.
--
MoJo: You know what this films needs, my simian friend? Brian Blessed. Can you see that guy running? No. That’d sort Spielburg out.
PreGAD monkey: Ook.
MoJo: Yup. Whats that you say? Snuggly, the head of PreGAD, set me up because I’m interested in the first GAD prevented, in which he actually won a GAD for himself? Shocking. Where’s the Irish bloke?
--
Sibs: Y’see, has to be someone important. Look at the ripples. Because of these ripples, I have concluded you did it.
Snuggly: Bah. In a minute, I’m going to shoot you, but first I want to say how much I hated Ballykissangel.
Sibs: I DID NOT DO BAL..
(Snuggly shoots him in the leg)
Sibs: That’s my favourite leg!
Snuggly: Sorry (Shoots him in the head)
Sibs: Ow. My life is over. Let me just kiss my watch. Arg Arg Arg. Bleed.
--
MoJo: So the Irish bloke is dead? Oh well. Let’s go see my wife.
--
Wife of MoJo: Hello honey. I have just betrayed you to Snuggly.
MoJo: Sigh.
Wife of MoJo: By the way, I don’t blame you for our son dying. Soon, despite the fact we’re divorced and don’t love each other any more, I shall save you.
PreGAD monkey: Ook
MoJo: Whats that you say? Snuggly did it? The cad. This calls for a goold old fashioned bout of fisticuffs. Then I’ll shoot him.
(Rakuga bursts in)
Rakuga: Don’t run.
MoJo: Gotcha. Don’t run.
Rakuga: Sigh.
(He arrests MoJo and knocks him out via a camp headband)
--
Wife of MoJo: Bet you didn’t see this coming! Let him go.
Jailer: OK. Why you doing this by the way?
Spielburg: Because their love is eternal!
Jailer: Fair enough.
--
(In a big room).
Snuggly: Thank you thank you. Aha, a gun. Bang bang.
Everyone: Hahahahahah.
(Pictures appear on the screen)
Loki: Look! He won a GAD!
Everyone: Gasp!
(Snuggly runs away)
MoJo: Aha! Caught you!
Snuggly: Bang bang.
MoJo: Oh, you’ve shot yourself. Darn.
Spielburg: Here would make a good ending. However, I am going to make it soft. Really really girly and soft. So, in fact, it’s BETTER than Blade Runner.
Ridley Scott: But it’s not. It’s, in fact, pants.
Lucas: Big bulls and Natalie Portman.
Spielburg: Sssh. We’re being artistic.
Ridley Scott: We are? I just told Harrison Ford to run about a bit.
Spielburg: No, an entire film wasted!
Ridley Scott: Like people keep calling Gladiator artistic. I just told Russell Crowe to run about a bit. Want to know my secret?
Lucas: Tell them to run about a bit?
Scott: You sir, are a genius.
Lucas: (blankly) Big bulls.
Spielburg: sob.
THE END
(P.S Minority Report wasn’t that bad actually.)
(P.P.S Spielburg is still a gimp these days. Jaws ruled.)
(P.P.P.S Blade Runner ruled.)
MoJo :Bollards. Turn it off.
Rakuga: We’re in the cinema mate. I can’t turn it off.
MoJo : OI! You, the pasty bloke behind the camera. Turn it off.
Pasty Bloke: No.
MoJo : Fair enough. Let’s go then.
(They wander out of the cinema and into a big office down the street. A little chap is typing hurriedly on the computer)
Rakuga: Oi, you. Who are you?
RastaBillySkank: No-one.
MoJo: It just said RastaBillySkank.
RBS: Oh.
Rakuga: So, what are you doing?
RBS: Nothing.
MoJo: You’re trying to win GAD!
RBS: No I’m not!
Rakuga: He can’t have done. I don’t hear a red ball rolling.
Lo, a red ball is heard with a distinctive rolling sound.
MoJo: (grabs the red ball as it falls from nowhere) Aha! Trying to win GAD, you were. You’re under arrest by order of the Pre-GAD.
RBS: Nooooo! I’ll be good! I can spam! REALLY!
Rakuga: Yeah, right. You’ll spam like the rest of us after a couple of years in the Chat.
(RBS is dragged away gibbering)
Rakuga: Listen, MoJo, you’re looking a bit like Tom Cruise.
MoJo: And you look like the black bloke who’s also in Minority Report.
Rakuga: Funny that, me being white and all. Shall we go stop some more GADs?
MoJo: (picks up magical fairy gloves) Alrighty then. Prod the PreGADs with the pointed stick.
(Below are three gibbering bald monkeys. Rakuga prods them a bit. MoJo waves the gloves a bit, and then slaps up the monkeys.)
MoJo: Who’s going to win GAD then?
(Images flash onto screen. MoJo is writing a massive spoof, and then it turns yellow.)
MoJo: What? No!
Rakuga: Oh damn. Off you trot then. I’ll give you 2 hours.
MoJo: You mean 2 minutes.
Rakuga: Yes, probably. At this point, I would like to point out that Tony, frustrated at giving out 3 GADs a day, invented this system to stop all potential GAD winners. There have been no murders in Washington D.C, but that is beside the point.
(MoJo runs away and trips over the leg of Sibs.)
Sibs: Aha, caught you. I’m going to kiss my watch now. Look at it shine.
MoJo: Weren’t you on Ballykissangel?
Sibs: To be sure, no. That was Colin Farrell. He is just remarkably similar to me. To be sure.
MoJo: That’s alright then. I’m going to steal this PreGAD monkey, if that’s all right by you.
Sibs: But we’ll scan your eyeballs.
MoJo: Aha, I shall have my eyeballs swopped. Also I shall close my eyes near an eye scanner.
Sibs: Damn, fiendishly clever. Time for some fisticuffs.
(They engage in some good old fashioned fisticuffs. Batman type words flash onto the screen.)
MoJo: Look, a Lexus! Whuzzah!
(He dives into the Lexus. Unfortunately, it’s only just been made and thus has no petrol in it)
MoJo: Oh crap, nothings going right. LOOK THAT WAY!
Sibs: What? What is it I am looking at? Is it this wall? If so, it’s not very interesting. Oh, you’ve gone. Scan his eyeballs!
Rakuga: He’s got his eyes closed, sir.
Sibs: Gah, he’s defeated our masterly system. Look, I’m going to dismantle his keyboard. There’s a picture here, for some obscure reason.
Spielburg: (pops his head in): Tis a cunning clue. Look at the washed colour effect. Does it not remind you of Blade Runner?
Sibs: No, actually.
Spielburg: Oh. Bye then.
Sibs: To this blokes holodeck place!
Rakuga: Can’t say holodeck sir.
(Elsewhere, in the holodeck place)
AliBoy: Bah, look at this. Even this monkey pre-sees you winning a GAD.
MoJo: Noooooo! I’m done for! I’ve got nothing else to do but take some drugs.
Spielburg: Look! Look! He’s taking drugs! This symbolises he’s not your run of the mill clean cut hero and will therefore have to overcome something to win! Can we all say Oscar?
AliBoy: Sod off. Oh look, that bloke from Ballykissangel is here. You’d better run. Run far away. Pump those legs. RUUU..
MoJo: Yes, I get it.
Spielburg: Do you see how this running symbolises how he is running from his past? Eh? Eh?
(MoJo runs out into a magical alley, and there are some blokes with jetpacks)
Lucas (pops in): Wow, you’ve had a construction belt scene and now jet packs.
Spielburg: But mine has artistic meaning!
Lucas: Yeah, but mine had really big bulls.
MoJo: Sod off! Both of you!
(They stroll off, arguing amicably in the chummy Hollywood way we know and love so well)
Rakuga: Don’t run, MoJo.
MoJo: OK. I’m knackered anyway.
Spielburg: But you must run! It symbolises your infant child is chasing you!
MoJo: Arrest him as well. He’s annoying me, and got all this brooding to do. Can you see my eyebrows? Some damn good brooding there, I think.
Lucas: REALLY BIG BULL!
(Rakuga proceeds to deck the film directors)
(MoJo grabs a jetpack and runs away)
Spielburg: AHA! Told you he’d run. Everybody runs. Apart from most of the cast. But still.
--
MoJo: You know what this films needs, my simian friend? Brian Blessed. Can you see that guy running? No. That’d sort Spielburg out.
PreGAD monkey: Ook.
MoJo: Yup. Whats that you say? Snuggly, the head of PreGAD, set me up because I’m interested in the first GAD prevented, in which he actually won a GAD for himself? Shocking. Where’s the Irish bloke?
--
Sibs: Y’see, has to be someone important. Look at the ripples. Because of these ripples, I have concluded you did it.
Snuggly: Bah. In a minute, I’m going to shoot you, but first I want to say how much I hated Ballykissangel.
Sibs: I DID NOT DO BAL..
(Snuggly shoots him in the leg)
Sibs: That’s my favourite leg!
Snuggly: Sorry (Shoots him in the head)
Sibs: Ow. My life is over. Let me just kiss my watch. Arg Arg Arg. Bleed.
--
MoJo: So the Irish bloke is dead? Oh well. Let’s go see my wife.
--
Wife of MoJo: Hello honey. I have just betrayed you to Snuggly.
MoJo: Sigh.
Wife of MoJo: By the way, I don’t blame you for our son dying. Soon, despite the fact we’re divorced and don’t love each other any more, I shall save you.
PreGAD monkey: Ook
MoJo: Whats that you say? Snuggly did it? The cad. This calls for a goold old fashioned bout of fisticuffs. Then I’ll shoot him.
(Rakuga bursts in)
Rakuga: Don’t run.
MoJo: Gotcha. Don’t run.
Rakuga: Sigh.
(He arrests MoJo and knocks him out via a camp headband)
--
Wife of MoJo: Bet you didn’t see this coming! Let him go.
Jailer: OK. Why you doing this by the way?
Spielburg: Because their love is eternal!
Jailer: Fair enough.
--
(In a big room).
Snuggly: Thank you thank you. Aha, a gun. Bang bang.
Everyone: Hahahahahah.
(Pictures appear on the screen)
Loki: Look! He won a GAD!
Everyone: Gasp!
(Snuggly runs away)
MoJo: Aha! Caught you!
Snuggly: Bang bang.
MoJo: Oh, you’ve shot yourself. Darn.
Spielburg: Here would make a good ending. However, I am going to make it soft. Really really girly and soft. So, in fact, it’s BETTER than Blade Runner.
Ridley Scott: But it’s not. It’s, in fact, pants.
Lucas: Big bulls and Natalie Portman.
Spielburg: Sssh. We’re being artistic.
Ridley Scott: We are? I just told Harrison Ford to run about a bit.
Spielburg: No, an entire film wasted!
Ridley Scott: Like people keep calling Gladiator artistic. I just told Russell Crowe to run about a bit. Want to know my secret?
Lucas: Tell them to run about a bit?
Scott: You sir, are a genius.
Lucas: (blankly) Big bulls.
Spielburg: sob.
THE END
(P.S Minority Report wasn’t that bad actually.)
(P.P.S Spielburg is still a gimp these days. Jaws ruled.)
(P.P.P.S Blade Runner ruled.)
That was funny. It's hard to compare Minority Report and Blade Runner, as they're actually pretty different. Except for the whole future bit. And that there evil. And that the direcot's are famous. And-
I'll Shut up. They both rule.
I'll Shut up. They both rule.
Well, yes, it did rock a bit.
But Episode 2 had big bulls.
But Episode 2 had big bulls.
Stryke wrote:
> (P.S Minority Report wasn’t that bad actually.)
I seem to remember you telling me that you LOVED it. :-D
> (P.S Minority Report wasn’t that bad actually.)
I seem to remember you telling me that you LOVED it. :-D
It is the year Two Thousand and Something. Using two bald blokes and a bald bird, Tom Cruise can stop magical stuff. Occasionally the bloke from Ballykissangel tries to stop him, but Tom Cruise is a magical short pixie and runs away.
MoJo :Bollards. Turn it off.
Rakuga: We’re in the cinema mate. I can’t turn it off.
MoJo : OI! You, the pasty bloke behind the camera. Turn it off.
Pasty Bloke: No.
MoJo : Fair enough. Let’s go then.
(They wander out of the cinema and into a big office down the street. A little chap is typing hurriedly on the computer)
Rakuga: Oi, you. Who are you?
RastaBillySkank: No-one.
MoJo: It just said RastaBillySkank.
RBS: Oh.
Rakuga: So, what are you doing?
RBS: Nothing.
MoJo: You’re trying to win GAD!
RBS: No I’m not!
Rakuga: He can’t have done. I don’t hear a red ball rolling.
Lo, a red ball is heard with a distinctive rolling sound.
MoJo: (grabs the red ball as it falls from nowhere) Aha! Trying to win GAD, you were. You’re under arrest by order of the Pre-GAD.
RBS: Nooooo! I’ll be good! I can spam! REALLY!
Rakuga: Yeah, right. You’ll spam like the rest of us after a couple of years in the Chat.
(RBS is dragged away gibbering)
Rakuga: Listen, MoJo, you’re looking a bit like Tom Cruise.
MoJo: And you look like the black bloke who’s also in Minority Report.
Rakuga: Funny that, me being white and all. Shall we go stop some more GADs?
MoJo: (picks up magical fairy gloves) Alrighty then. Prod the PreGADs with the pointed stick.
(Below are three gibbering bald monkeys. Rakuga prods them a bit. MoJo waves the gloves a bit, and then slaps up the monkeys.)
MoJo: Who’s going to win GAD then?
(Images flash onto screen. MoJo is writing a massive spoof, and then it turns yellow.)
MoJo: What? No!
Rakuga: Oh damn. Off you trot then. I’ll give you 2 hours.
MoJo: You mean 2 minutes.
Rakuga: Yes, probably. At this point, I would like to point out that Tony, frustrated at giving out 3 GADs a day, invented this system to stop all potential GAD winners. There have been no murders in Washington D.C, but that is beside the point.
(MoJo runs away and trips over the leg of Sibs.)
Sibs: Aha, caught you. I’m going to kiss my watch now. Look at it shine.
MoJo: Weren’t you on Ballykissangel?
Sibs: To be sure, no. That was Colin Farrell. He is just remarkably similar to me. To be sure.
MoJo: That’s alright then. I’m going to steal this PreGAD monkey, if that’s all right by you.
Sibs: But we’ll scan your eyeballs.
MoJo: Aha, I shall have my eyeballs swopped. Also I shall close my eyes near an eye scanner.
Sibs: Damn, fiendishly clever. Time for some fisticuffs.
(They engage in some good old fashioned fisticuffs. Batman type words flash onto the screen.)
MoJo: Look, a Lexus! Whuzzah!
(He dives into the Lexus. Unfortunately, it’s only just been made and thus has no petrol in it)
MoJo: Oh crap, nothings going right. LOOK THAT WAY!
Sibs: What? What is it I am looking at? Is it this wall? If so, it’s not very interesting. Oh, you’ve gone. Scan his eyeballs!
Rakuga: He’s got his eyes closed, sir.
Sibs: Gah, he’s defeated our masterly system. Look, I’m going to dismantle his keyboard. There’s a picture here, for some obscure reason.
Spielburg: (pops his head in): Tis a cunning clue. Look at the washed colour effect. Does it not remind you of Blade Runner?
Sibs: No, actually.
Spielburg: Oh. Bye then.
Sibs: To this blokes holodeck place!
Rakuga: Can’t say holodeck sir.
(Elsewhere, in the holodeck place)
AliBoy: Bah, look at this. Even this monkey pre-sees you winning a GAD.
MoJo: Noooooo! I’m done for! I’ve got nothing else to do but take some drugs.
Spielburg: Look! Look! He’s taking drugs! This symbolises he’s not your run of the mill clean cut hero and will therefore have to overcome something to win! Can we all say Oscar?
AliBoy: Sod off. Oh look, that bloke from Ballykissangel is here. You’d better run. Run far away. Pump those legs. RUUU..
MoJo: Yes, I get it.
Spielburg: Do you see how this running symbolises how he is running from his past? Eh? Eh?
(MoJo runs out into a magical alley, and there are some blokes with jetpacks)
Lucas (pops in): Wow, you’ve had a construction belt scene and now jet packs.
Spielburg: But mine has artistic meaning!
Lucas: Yeah, but mine had really big bulls.
MoJo: Sod off! Both of you!
(They stroll off, arguing amicably in the chummy Hollywood way we know and love so well)
Rakuga: Don’t run, MoJo.
MoJo: OK. I’m knackered anyway.
Spielburg: But you must run! It symbolises your infant child is chasing you!
MoJo: Arrest him as well. He’s annoying me, and got all this brooding to do. Can you see my eyebrows? Some damn good brooding there, I think.
Lucas: REALLY BIG BULL!
(Rakuga proceeds to deck the film directors)
(MoJo grabs a jetpack and runs away)
Spielburg: AHA! Told you he’d run. Everybody runs. Apart from most of the cast. But still.
--
MoJo: You know what this films needs, my simian friend? Brian Blessed. Can you see that guy running? No. That’d sort Spielburg out.
PreGAD monkey: Ook.
MoJo: Yup. Whats that you say? Snuggly, the head of PreGAD, set me up because I’m interested in the first GAD prevented, in which he actually won a GAD for himself? Shocking. Where’s the Irish bloke?
--
Sibs: Y’see, has to be someone important. Look at the ripples. Because of these ripples, I have concluded you did it.
Snuggly: Bah. In a minute, I’m going to shoot you, but first I want to say how much I hated Ballykissangel.
Sibs: I DID NOT DO BAL..
(Snuggly shoots him in the leg)
Sibs: That’s my favourite leg!
Snuggly: Sorry (Shoots him in the head)
Sibs: Ow. My life is over. Let me just kiss my watch. Arg Arg Arg. Bleed.
--
MoJo: So the Irish bloke is dead? Oh well. Let’s go see my wife.
--
Wife of MoJo: Hello honey. I have just betrayed you to Snuggly.
MoJo: Sigh.
Wife of MoJo: By the way, I don’t blame you for our son dying. Soon, despite the fact we’re divorced and don’t love each other any more, I shall save you.
PreGAD monkey: Ook
MoJo: Whats that you say? Snuggly did it? The cad. This calls for a goold old fashioned bout of fisticuffs. Then I’ll shoot him.
(Rakuga bursts in)
Rakuga: Don’t run.
MoJo: Gotcha. Don’t run.
Rakuga: Sigh.
(He arrests MoJo and knocks him out via a camp headband)
--
Wife of MoJo: Bet you didn’t see this coming! Let him go.
Jailer: OK. Why you doing this by the way?
Spielburg: Because their love is eternal!
Jailer: Fair enough.
--
(In a big room).
Snuggly: Thank you thank you. Aha, a gun. Bang bang.
Everyone: Hahahahahah.
(Pictures appear on the screen)
Loki: Look! He won a GAD!
Everyone: Gasp!
(Snuggly runs away)
MoJo: Aha! Caught you!
Snuggly: Bang bang.
MoJo: Oh, you’ve shot yourself. Darn.
Spielburg: Here would make a good ending. However, I am going to make it soft. Really really girly and soft. So, in fact, it’s BETTER than Blade Runner.
Ridley Scott: But it’s not. It’s, in fact, pants.
Lucas: Big bulls and Natalie Portman.
Spielburg: Sssh. We’re being artistic.
Ridley Scott: We are? I just told Harrison Ford to run about a bit.
Spielburg: No, an entire film wasted!
Ridley Scott: Like people keep calling Gladiator artistic. I just told Russell Crowe to run about a bit. Want to know my secret?
Lucas: Tell them to run about a bit?
Scott: You sir, are a genius.
Lucas: (blankly) Big bulls.
Spielburg: sob.
THE END
(P.S Minority Report wasn’t that bad actually.)
(P.P.S Spielburg is still a gimp these days. Jaws ruled.)
(P.P.P.S Blade Runner ruled.)
MoJo :Bollards. Turn it off.
Rakuga: We’re in the cinema mate. I can’t turn it off.
MoJo : OI! You, the pasty bloke behind the camera. Turn it off.
Pasty Bloke: No.
MoJo : Fair enough. Let’s go then.
(They wander out of the cinema and into a big office down the street. A little chap is typing hurriedly on the computer)
Rakuga: Oi, you. Who are you?
RastaBillySkank: No-one.
MoJo: It just said RastaBillySkank.
RBS: Oh.
Rakuga: So, what are you doing?
RBS: Nothing.
MoJo: You’re trying to win GAD!
RBS: No I’m not!
Rakuga: He can’t have done. I don’t hear a red ball rolling.
Lo, a red ball is heard with a distinctive rolling sound.
MoJo: (grabs the red ball as it falls from nowhere) Aha! Trying to win GAD, you were. You’re under arrest by order of the Pre-GAD.
RBS: Nooooo! I’ll be good! I can spam! REALLY!
Rakuga: Yeah, right. You’ll spam like the rest of us after a couple of years in the Chat.
(RBS is dragged away gibbering)
Rakuga: Listen, MoJo, you’re looking a bit like Tom Cruise.
MoJo: And you look like the black bloke who’s also in Minority Report.
Rakuga: Funny that, me being white and all. Shall we go stop some more GADs?
MoJo: (picks up magical fairy gloves) Alrighty then. Prod the PreGADs with the pointed stick.
(Below are three gibbering bald monkeys. Rakuga prods them a bit. MoJo waves the gloves a bit, and then slaps up the monkeys.)
MoJo: Who’s going to win GAD then?
(Images flash onto screen. MoJo is writing a massive spoof, and then it turns yellow.)
MoJo: What? No!
Rakuga: Oh damn. Off you trot then. I’ll give you 2 hours.
MoJo: You mean 2 minutes.
Rakuga: Yes, probably. At this point, I would like to point out that Tony, frustrated at giving out 3 GADs a day, invented this system to stop all potential GAD winners. There have been no murders in Washington D.C, but that is beside the point.
(MoJo runs away and trips over the leg of Sibs.)
Sibs: Aha, caught you. I’m going to kiss my watch now. Look at it shine.
MoJo: Weren’t you on Ballykissangel?
Sibs: To be sure, no. That was Colin Farrell. He is just remarkably similar to me. To be sure.
MoJo: That’s alright then. I’m going to steal this PreGAD monkey, if that’s all right by you.
Sibs: But we’ll scan your eyeballs.
MoJo: Aha, I shall have my eyeballs swopped. Also I shall close my eyes near an eye scanner.
Sibs: Damn, fiendishly clever. Time for some fisticuffs.
(They engage in some good old fashioned fisticuffs. Batman type words flash onto the screen.)
MoJo: Look, a Lexus! Whuzzah!
(He dives into the Lexus. Unfortunately, it’s only just been made and thus has no petrol in it)
MoJo: Oh crap, nothings going right. LOOK THAT WAY!
Sibs: What? What is it I am looking at? Is it this wall? If so, it’s not very interesting. Oh, you’ve gone. Scan his eyeballs!
Rakuga: He’s got his eyes closed, sir.
Sibs: Gah, he’s defeated our masterly system. Look, I’m going to dismantle his keyboard. There’s a picture here, for some obscure reason.
Spielburg: (pops his head in): Tis a cunning clue. Look at the washed colour effect. Does it not remind you of Blade Runner?
Sibs: No, actually.
Spielburg: Oh. Bye then.
Sibs: To this blokes holodeck place!
Rakuga: Can’t say holodeck sir.
(Elsewhere, in the holodeck place)
AliBoy: Bah, look at this. Even this monkey pre-sees you winning a GAD.
MoJo: Noooooo! I’m done for! I’ve got nothing else to do but take some drugs.
Spielburg: Look! Look! He’s taking drugs! This symbolises he’s not your run of the mill clean cut hero and will therefore have to overcome something to win! Can we all say Oscar?
AliBoy: Sod off. Oh look, that bloke from Ballykissangel is here. You’d better run. Run far away. Pump those legs. RUUU..
MoJo: Yes, I get it.
Spielburg: Do you see how this running symbolises how he is running from his past? Eh? Eh?
(MoJo runs out into a magical alley, and there are some blokes with jetpacks)
Lucas (pops in): Wow, you’ve had a construction belt scene and now jet packs.
Spielburg: But mine has artistic meaning!
Lucas: Yeah, but mine had really big bulls.
MoJo: Sod off! Both of you!
(They stroll off, arguing amicably in the chummy Hollywood way we know and love so well)
Rakuga: Don’t run, MoJo.
MoJo: OK. I’m knackered anyway.
Spielburg: But you must run! It symbolises your infant child is chasing you!
MoJo: Arrest him as well. He’s annoying me, and got all this brooding to do. Can you see my eyebrows? Some damn good brooding there, I think.
Lucas: REALLY BIG BULL!
(Rakuga proceeds to deck the film directors)
(MoJo grabs a jetpack and runs away)
Spielburg: AHA! Told you he’d run. Everybody runs. Apart from most of the cast. But still.
--
MoJo: You know what this films needs, my simian friend? Brian Blessed. Can you see that guy running? No. That’d sort Spielburg out.
PreGAD monkey: Ook.
MoJo: Yup. Whats that you say? Snuggly, the head of PreGAD, set me up because I’m interested in the first GAD prevented, in which he actually won a GAD for himself? Shocking. Where’s the Irish bloke?
--
Sibs: Y’see, has to be someone important. Look at the ripples. Because of these ripples, I have concluded you did it.
Snuggly: Bah. In a minute, I’m going to shoot you, but first I want to say how much I hated Ballykissangel.
Sibs: I DID NOT DO BAL..
(Snuggly shoots him in the leg)
Sibs: That’s my favourite leg!
Snuggly: Sorry (Shoots him in the head)
Sibs: Ow. My life is over. Let me just kiss my watch. Arg Arg Arg. Bleed.
--
MoJo: So the Irish bloke is dead? Oh well. Let’s go see my wife.
--
Wife of MoJo: Hello honey. I have just betrayed you to Snuggly.
MoJo: Sigh.
Wife of MoJo: By the way, I don’t blame you for our son dying. Soon, despite the fact we’re divorced and don’t love each other any more, I shall save you.
PreGAD monkey: Ook
MoJo: Whats that you say? Snuggly did it? The cad. This calls for a goold old fashioned bout of fisticuffs. Then I’ll shoot him.
(Rakuga bursts in)
Rakuga: Don’t run.
MoJo: Gotcha. Don’t run.
Rakuga: Sigh.
(He arrests MoJo and knocks him out via a camp headband)
--
Wife of MoJo: Bet you didn’t see this coming! Let him go.
Jailer: OK. Why you doing this by the way?
Spielburg: Because their love is eternal!
Jailer: Fair enough.
--
(In a big room).
Snuggly: Thank you thank you. Aha, a gun. Bang bang.
Everyone: Hahahahahah.
(Pictures appear on the screen)
Loki: Look! He won a GAD!
Everyone: Gasp!
(Snuggly runs away)
MoJo: Aha! Caught you!
Snuggly: Bang bang.
MoJo: Oh, you’ve shot yourself. Darn.
Spielburg: Here would make a good ending. However, I am going to make it soft. Really really girly and soft. So, in fact, it’s BETTER than Blade Runner.
Ridley Scott: But it’s not. It’s, in fact, pants.
Lucas: Big bulls and Natalie Portman.
Spielburg: Sssh. We’re being artistic.
Ridley Scott: We are? I just told Harrison Ford to run about a bit.
Spielburg: No, an entire film wasted!
Ridley Scott: Like people keep calling Gladiator artistic. I just told Russell Crowe to run about a bit. Want to know my secret?
Lucas: Tell them to run about a bit?
Scott: You sir, are a genius.
Lucas: (blankly) Big bulls.
Spielburg: sob.
THE END
(P.S Minority Report wasn’t that bad actually.)
(P.P.S Spielburg is still a gimp these days. Jaws ruled.)
(P.P.P.S Blade Runner ruled.)