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"Step Aside Spiderman….Here Comes the Best of British!"

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Fri 12/07/02 at 21:42
Regular
Posts: 787
Super heroes seem to be getting ever more popular in recent times. Big budget Hollywood films such as X-Men & Spiderman grossed lots of money when released, and new versions of The Hulk & Daredevil plus X-Men 2, Spiderman 2 etc will hit cinema screens at later dates.
However, it’s all well and good keep seeing all these American super heroes with their square jaws, tight pants and American patriotism, but do you ever get the feeling that the world is being deprived of some good British super heroes?
Though we don’t know it at the moment, there could be some good potential super heroes & super villains here in our midst......

HEROES:

CRAIG DAVID & RIK WALLER: Craig David, by day he’s a self proclaimed “Lurve Doctor” and a one album wonder with a penchant for tea-cosy headwear and denim clothing, BUT, by night this 14 year old Lionel Richie wannabe with his pathetic thinly trimmed goaty ‘beard’ transforms into.....Phatman!
For a matter of minutes you have thought to yourself about why you don’t see Craig on TV anymore, well this is the reason; he’s a super hero, off having adventures.
With his ‘cape of denim’ and his ‘hat of wool’, he fights crime wherever it raises its ugly head.
He has X-ray vision, but only to ogle at “da laydeez”, and he kicks butt with his whiter than white trainers.
His heroic partner is none other than tubby Pop Idol failure, Rik Waller! By day he’s a heavyweight warbler and cream cake eating champion famed for songs such as ‘Food Glorious Food’, ‘Smack My Twix Up’, ‘Vindaloo’ & ‘Who ate all the pies?’, BUT, by night he gets into the nearest telephone box....gets stuck in it for 20 minutes and helped out by the fire brigade....and eventually changes into....Blobin the BurgerBoy Wonder!
He has the strength, stomach and chins of ten men and can swallow a small child whole (and all that before he changes into Blobin).
His super power is that he can increase his already bulky mass to gargantuan proportions to battle against giant invaders such as Godzilla and Robbie Williams’ ego.
As they arrive on the scene of a crime, passers-by shout, “Is it a whale? Is it an ocean liner? NO, it’s Blobin!”

Together Phatman & Blobin fight crime and sing cringe inducing love melody duets to clean the streets of scum.

RICHARD MADELY: Used to be the undisputed king of daytime TV; he became an instant hero with all pessimists and scaremongers after his ‘millennium cupboard’ debacle and a role model for the smarmy but well coiffed thirtysomethings, but he does has a worryingly high knowledge of women’s health problems.
Nothing exciting ever happened in Richards’s starch-shirted existence until he got board of the whole namby-pambyness of his lifestyle, and decided to ditch his femine doily covered personality and to become a rugged super hero and clean up the streets similar to The Punisher.
Called the Fantastic Bore, he even started to wear some mean looking facial hair again to strike fear into wrongdoers, and he wields his mobile trouser press as a mighty weapon.

RICHARD KEYS: By day a normal & mellow, if slightly hairy Sky Sports TV presenter and ex TV-AM favourite when Timmy Mallet was on acting like a mad buffoon, Richard enjoys wearing pink ties and owns the hairiest body outside of London Zoo.
But at night, a strange power comes over him, and he turns into....King Kong Keys, a strong ape who craves bananas.
However, an uncontrollable beast he may change into, but he is a kind-hearted creature at heart, who does good deeds such as helping old ladies across the street and rescuing cougars that are stuck up trees.
Tom Selleck & Pete Sampras are similar style hairy heroes in America. TV & sports heroes by day, but the primal urge to swing on tyres is often too much for them to take.


VILLAINS:

GEORGE MICHAEL: By day a humble pop singer with a passion for well angled facial hair, stupid sunglasses and hilarious public toilet activities, BUT, by night he transforms into...Gay Man (but I’m sure you already knew that).
Together with his leather clad greased up minions, The Blue Oyster Brothers—BOB for short (including Elton John, Will Young, Graham Norton, Boy George and the small gay one out of Boyzone), Gay Man patrols the streets and public toilets looking for fit young men to take back to his evil lair whilst wearing leather caps, tight white vests and huge fake moustaches and shouting “WHAM!”
Gay Man does also have dreams of world domination, but would prefer to just use his evil powers to get laid, so if you see him, put your back to the wall!

JAMIE OLIVER: A loathsome retarded wannabe mockney/cockney geezer by day who cooks meals for his legions of smarmy hanger-on ‘dot-com’ buddies whilst talking in a strange gibberish dialect that sound like Dick Van cockney from Mary Poppins. At night though, Jamie changes into...Barrow Boy!
With the pukka power of fruit & veg, Barrow Boy uses his cockney talents to full use by acting like a barrow boy.
Rather than have a super cool Batmobile style car, Jamie prefers to travel in his old VW Camper van, the so-called ‘Mockney Mobile’.
He travels the streets shouting “’ello me old china!” & “Pound a Potatoes”.
Though not necessarily evil, Barrow Boy is considered a villain and a pest because everybody hates him.

THE CHUCKLE BROTHERS: On the outside they appear quite normal, if slightly cranially challenged brothers with brightly coloured dungarees and early nineties style scraggy mullets and gay taches, but they’re really super criminal masterminds with evil plans for world domination.
Paul and Barry may seem like a couple of harmless happy-go-lucky odd-job men who have a tendency to hit people on the back of the head with the old ladder joke and say “to me, to you”, but inside lurks the minds of fiends who should be considered extremely dangerous.

PROFESSOR STEPHEN HAWKING: Under the guise of a disabled genius with his Speak & Spell machine, he’s actually a super villain, after all, why else do you think he developed a vast knowledge of the universe? For the good of mankind? No, he used all that research for heinous purposes.
By day he’s a humble professor, but by night he transforms into…The Evil Professor!
Not an original name because there are already hundreds of evil professors around, so finding an original name was difficult.

LIAM GALLAGER: We all know that the swaggering greasy mono-browed Mancunian chimp man has an unhealthy addiction to booze, however, one fateful night whilst on another drinking binge, he changed into...Cider Man!
Wearing a long Parker jacket with a furry hood and carrying his ‘Tambourine of Fury’ weapon, Cider Man bowls and mooches around the streets of London looking for a fight.
Neither a hero, nor a villain, Cider Man is considered a loose cannon vigilante who does what he pleases.
“Cider Man, Cider Man, drinks as much cider as he can.”


Film Four have got the exclusive rights, and the films starring these British super heroes & villains are already in pre-production, so look out for them at your local cinema soon.....Actually, seeing as Film Four are no more, these films won’t be made in the near future, never mind :)
Fri 12/07/02 at 21:42
Regular
"Wants Spymate on dv"
Posts: 3,025
Super heroes seem to be getting ever more popular in recent times. Big budget Hollywood films such as X-Men & Spiderman grossed lots of money when released, and new versions of The Hulk & Daredevil plus X-Men 2, Spiderman 2 etc will hit cinema screens at later dates.
However, it’s all well and good keep seeing all these American super heroes with their square jaws, tight pants and American patriotism, but do you ever get the feeling that the world is being deprived of some good British super heroes?
Though we don’t know it at the moment, there could be some good potential super heroes & super villains here in our midst......

HEROES:

CRAIG DAVID & RIK WALLER: Craig David, by day he’s a self proclaimed “Lurve Doctor” and a one album wonder with a penchant for tea-cosy headwear and denim clothing, BUT, by night this 14 year old Lionel Richie wannabe with his pathetic thinly trimmed goaty ‘beard’ transforms into.....Phatman!
For a matter of minutes you have thought to yourself about why you don’t see Craig on TV anymore, well this is the reason; he’s a super hero, off having adventures.
With his ‘cape of denim’ and his ‘hat of wool’, he fights crime wherever it raises its ugly head.
He has X-ray vision, but only to ogle at “da laydeez”, and he kicks butt with his whiter than white trainers.
His heroic partner is none other than tubby Pop Idol failure, Rik Waller! By day he’s a heavyweight warbler and cream cake eating champion famed for songs such as ‘Food Glorious Food’, ‘Smack My Twix Up’, ‘Vindaloo’ & ‘Who ate all the pies?’, BUT, by night he gets into the nearest telephone box....gets stuck in it for 20 minutes and helped out by the fire brigade....and eventually changes into....Blobin the BurgerBoy Wonder!
He has the strength, stomach and chins of ten men and can swallow a small child whole (and all that before he changes into Blobin).
His super power is that he can increase his already bulky mass to gargantuan proportions to battle against giant invaders such as Godzilla and Robbie Williams’ ego.
As they arrive on the scene of a crime, passers-by shout, “Is it a whale? Is it an ocean liner? NO, it’s Blobin!”

Together Phatman & Blobin fight crime and sing cringe inducing love melody duets to clean the streets of scum.

RICHARD MADELY: Used to be the undisputed king of daytime TV; he became an instant hero with all pessimists and scaremongers after his ‘millennium cupboard’ debacle and a role model for the smarmy but well coiffed thirtysomethings, but he does has a worryingly high knowledge of women’s health problems.
Nothing exciting ever happened in Richards’s starch-shirted existence until he got board of the whole namby-pambyness of his lifestyle, and decided to ditch his femine doily covered personality and to become a rugged super hero and clean up the streets similar to The Punisher.
Called the Fantastic Bore, he even started to wear some mean looking facial hair again to strike fear into wrongdoers, and he wields his mobile trouser press as a mighty weapon.

RICHARD KEYS: By day a normal & mellow, if slightly hairy Sky Sports TV presenter and ex TV-AM favourite when Timmy Mallet was on acting like a mad buffoon, Richard enjoys wearing pink ties and owns the hairiest body outside of London Zoo.
But at night, a strange power comes over him, and he turns into....King Kong Keys, a strong ape who craves bananas.
However, an uncontrollable beast he may change into, but he is a kind-hearted creature at heart, who does good deeds such as helping old ladies across the street and rescuing cougars that are stuck up trees.
Tom Selleck & Pete Sampras are similar style hairy heroes in America. TV & sports heroes by day, but the primal urge to swing on tyres is often too much for them to take.


VILLAINS:

GEORGE MICHAEL: By day a humble pop singer with a passion for well angled facial hair, stupid sunglasses and hilarious public toilet activities, BUT, by night he transforms into...Gay Man (but I’m sure you already knew that).
Together with his leather clad greased up minions, The Blue Oyster Brothers—BOB for short (including Elton John, Will Young, Graham Norton, Boy George and the small gay one out of Boyzone), Gay Man patrols the streets and public toilets looking for fit young men to take back to his evil lair whilst wearing leather caps, tight white vests and huge fake moustaches and shouting “WHAM!”
Gay Man does also have dreams of world domination, but would prefer to just use his evil powers to get laid, so if you see him, put your back to the wall!

JAMIE OLIVER: A loathsome retarded wannabe mockney/cockney geezer by day who cooks meals for his legions of smarmy hanger-on ‘dot-com’ buddies whilst talking in a strange gibberish dialect that sound like Dick Van cockney from Mary Poppins. At night though, Jamie changes into...Barrow Boy!
With the pukka power of fruit & veg, Barrow Boy uses his cockney talents to full use by acting like a barrow boy.
Rather than have a super cool Batmobile style car, Jamie prefers to travel in his old VW Camper van, the so-called ‘Mockney Mobile’.
He travels the streets shouting “’ello me old china!” & “Pound a Potatoes”.
Though not necessarily evil, Barrow Boy is considered a villain and a pest because everybody hates him.

THE CHUCKLE BROTHERS: On the outside they appear quite normal, if slightly cranially challenged brothers with brightly coloured dungarees and early nineties style scraggy mullets and gay taches, but they’re really super criminal masterminds with evil plans for world domination.
Paul and Barry may seem like a couple of harmless happy-go-lucky odd-job men who have a tendency to hit people on the back of the head with the old ladder joke and say “to me, to you”, but inside lurks the minds of fiends who should be considered extremely dangerous.

PROFESSOR STEPHEN HAWKING: Under the guise of a disabled genius with his Speak & Spell machine, he’s actually a super villain, after all, why else do you think he developed a vast knowledge of the universe? For the good of mankind? No, he used all that research for heinous purposes.
By day he’s a humble professor, but by night he transforms into…The Evil Professor!
Not an original name because there are already hundreds of evil professors around, so finding an original name was difficult.

LIAM GALLAGER: We all know that the swaggering greasy mono-browed Mancunian chimp man has an unhealthy addiction to booze, however, one fateful night whilst on another drinking binge, he changed into...Cider Man!
Wearing a long Parker jacket with a furry hood and carrying his ‘Tambourine of Fury’ weapon, Cider Man bowls and mooches around the streets of London looking for a fight.
Neither a hero, nor a villain, Cider Man is considered a loose cannon vigilante who does what he pleases.
“Cider Man, Cider Man, drinks as much cider as he can.”


Film Four have got the exclusive rights, and the films starring these British super heroes & villains are already in pre-production, so look out for them at your local cinema soon.....Actually, seeing as Film Four are no more, these films won’t be made in the near future, never mind :)
Fri 12/07/02 at 21:46
Regular
"I Feel Depressed!"
Posts: 122
Brillant!
Fri 12/07/02 at 22:01
Regular
"Vote For Pedro"
Posts: 5,679
You forgot Gad Man: one day he is Totoro just a regular member on Special Reserve, then the next day he becomes Gad Man, with the power to claim the Game or DVd of his choice...up to the price of £50.

Good post
Fri 12/07/02 at 23:19
Regular
"Wants Spymate on dv"
Posts: 3,025
Cheers, and well done on your Scooby Doo GAD win ;)
Sat 13/07/02 at 08:36
Regular
Posts: 5,630
Another fantastic post, excellent!
Sun 14/07/02 at 13:41
Regular
"Wants Spymate on dv"
Posts: 3,025
P
O
P
Sun 14/07/02 at 18:40
Regular
"Vote For Pedro"
Posts: 5,679
Thanks

What are you going to claim?

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