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The Near Future
*Scene 1*
(Badly composed news theme) Dun dun dun dun dun dun! It's the 6 o'clock news!
*A posh looking newsreader sits, reading his auto cues*
Newsreader - Hello, and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm someone with an annoying voice
Newsreader 2 - And I'm a posh woman who your dad fancies
Newsreader - Indeed you are. Now, today's headlines. Prime Minister Stryke was found to be drunk and disorderly at his press conference yesterday
*Shot of Stryke wobbling*
Stryke - (slurring his speech) And another thing! What's with all these double yellow lines, eh? They make me want to *beep* *beep* wretch!
*Stryke throws up. Back to the newsreaders*
Newsreader - (laughing falsely) Ha ha ha, that PM of ours... just think, he has his finger on the button
Newsreader 2 - Yes, so we'd like to remind everyone that our channel endorses nuclear bunkers made by Sony
Newsreader - Don't blame me, I voted for Grix Thraves
Newsreader 2 - In other news, Special Reserve Chairman Tony entered into a deal with the Metropolitan Police Department in a bid to run the police forces in southern England today. After successful demonstrations of the SR staff banning, the chief of police believes this same zero tolerance can be brought in to deal with REAL crimes, which are now being committed by newbies and high spamming regulars. SR staff have already been integrated into the police force to deal with the highest crime levels in British history
Newsreader - We have just received word that several SR staff members have been gunned down in a deadly battle between SR staff and members of the SR forums. It is believed that big_slow, a well known ex-member of the forums, is responsible for the shootings. big_slow is believed to be the ring leader of a crime wave that residents are calling a war zone.
*A picture of big_slow, cross eyed, appears on the screen*
Newsreader 2 - If any of you see this individual, you must call the SR customer services line immediately. In the eyes of SR, he is the most dangerous man alive.
*The TV is switched off*
Dad - Wow, she's one fine piece of kit
Rakuga - Dad! That's disgusting!
*Scene 2*
*SR staff meeting. Hybrid, Loki, Darkus, Odie, fido dido, Joe King et all are sat around a large table*
Tony - I've had this dream... where deliveries arrive the day they were ordered, where newbies tremble at the mere thought of spamming, and where the forum users stop wasting the staff's time
*The staff around the table applaud this notion*
Tony - But this newbie and spammer crime wave is taking up all our resources! For every quality poster like Solskjær and RM18, we have 10 posters like this big_slow character. We need super-staff members, who don't need to eat or sleep. We need staff who can patrol the streets day and night, arresting criminals and spammers alike. That is why I hired this man.... Hercules!
*Hercules steps up and bows*
Hercules - Thank you, sir. As you all know, I longed for a job here at SR, and now that I have it, I won't disappoint. I have been secretly working on... the Uber Banner!
*The double doors open and a huge mechanical beast steps out. The staff members are in awe*
http://www.boomspeed.com/mattt/robostaff2.jpg
Hercules - Not only can he interface with the SR forums to do normal staff duties, but he can replace our staff members on the streets. Now, for a demonstration... ah, Darkus, would you kindly step up?
*Darkus timidly gets up and approaches Hercules*
Hercules - Now, Darkus, take this gun and use it in a threatening manner
Darkus - A what?
Hercules - Point it at the Uber Banner
*Darkus does so and the Uber Banner springs into action*
Uber Banner - Please desist in your spamming/swearing/crime. You have 0.5 seconds to comply
Hercules - Whoops, forgot to re-set the timing...
*The Uber Banner opens fire on Darkus with its twin cannons. Darkus is ripped to shreds as the other staff members cower behind their seats. Eventually the Uber Banner stops firing, and Darkus is left in pieces, spread out over the table, blood splattered all over the walls and everybody in the room*
Hybrid Valves - Don't worry, I know the kiss of life!
*As Hybrid tries pumping on Darkus' chest while trying to breath down his head which is at the other end of the room, Tony approaches Hercules*
Tony - Hercules, I'm very disappointed! These things are meant to go into production next week!
Hercules - I'm sorry sir, it's just a minor bug
Tony - The SR forums crashing and wiping its members is a minor bug, THIS is a catastrophe!
*Loki dashes up*
Loki - Sir, perhaps you're aware of the RoboStaff programme, designed by myself at the SR bugs department?
Hercules - Loki, this is neither the time, nor the place-
Tony - Oh, shut up! Now then, Loki, what's your plan?
Loki - We take an existing staff member and, well, it's pretty messy, but we end up with a RoboStaff
Tony - I like the cut of your gib, I expect a presentation in two minutes
*Loki rushes off as Hercules shoots daggers at him with his eyes*
*Scene 3*
*Snuggly and schroeder are cruising around in their staff mobile*
Mr Snuggly - Rodger that, Loki
*Snuggly puts the radio back down*
schroeder - What was all that about?
Mr Snuggly - Loki wants us to drive into the most dangerous part of town, into a known criminal newbie hideout and try and arrest some people who greatly out number and out gun us
schroeder - He isn't trying to claim on your life insurance is he?
Mr Snuggly - Either that or he's got a bet with Hybrid over who can get me killed first
*schroeder picks up the radio*
schroeder - I'm putting £10 on you, Loki
*They pull up at an old warehouse*
Mr Snuggly - This is the place. Loki said we should split up, not sure why...
schroeder - Well, it doubles the chances of you getting shot
Mr Snuggly - Oh yeah, well in that case we'd better stick togeth-
schroeder - (running off in the opposite direction) Too late!
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it?
*Snuggly loads his gun and ventures into the warehouse*
Jimpy - Yeah, so I was posting, and this kid who said he was the Prime Minister told me to stop, so I laughed at him! As if a stupid forum user could rule America! Ha ha ha!
Simon45 - Ha ha ha!
Beckham "7" - Hey, guys, you hear that?
Steel Mouse - No, what?
Beckham "7" - Sounded like... a staff member sneaking up on us...
J Savo - Ha ha, all that spamming has made your brains into mush!
Mr Snuggly - He's right, you know, a staff member IS sneaking up on you
*Snuggly approaches the group of newbies who are sat around a PC, making rude posts. They raise their hands slowly*
Mr Snuggly - Hmm, don't have enough handcuffs for all of you, do you guys think you could just promise to never spam again? That way I don't have to arrest you...
big_slow - Drop it, staffie scum... Ha, always wanted to say that! Put your gun down!
*big_slow is standing behind Snuggly, with a shotgun pressed against his skull*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, that gun's cold!
*He drops his gun and the newbies scramble to grab theirs. They all point their shotguns at Snuggly*
big_slow - These cowards never travel alone, they're afraid of crossing the road without having someone's hand to hold... So, staffie, where's your partner?
Mr Snuggly - I'm not gay!
big_slow - No, I mean your OTHER partner!
Mr Snuggly - Who, my dog?
big_slow - Grr! Your SR partner!
Mr Snuggly - Look, I don't know what you've heard, but NOTHING happened when I was locked in that cupboard with Hybrid!
*big_slow whacks Snuggly's legs and he crashes onto the floor*
*The Jocks Rule comes in*
The Jocks Rule - She was upstairs, flicking through my porn collection, she was SWEEE-EEET! I punched her in the head! Ha ha!
big_slow - Thanks for the subtlety... now, staffie, what do we do with you? Ha ha ha
The Jocks Rule - Shoot him!
big_slow - Look, we went over this the other day, I'm not REALLY asking what we're gonna do, I *know* we're gonna shoot him, I'm just making him sweat a bit, OK?
The Jocks Rule - Really, is the air conditioning not working again?
big_slow - I didn't mean- Aw, forget it! Hey, where do you think you're going?!
Mr Snuggly - I was just trying to sneak away while you were arguing... Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying
big_slow - Get back here! Now, on your knees
Mr Snuggly - I told you, I'm not ga-
big_slow - Silence! Now, we're gonna torture you
Mr Snuggly - No!
big_slow - Yes! Nimco, start the torture
Mr Snuggly - No, God, no! Not that!
big_slow - Yes... THAT!
*Nimco puts the Bob the Builder record on*
big_slow - Bwahahaha! Squirm at its awfulness
*Snuggly is thrashing around on the floor, trying to cover his ears*
Mr Snuggly - It burns! It burns!
big_slow - OK, turn it off... even I can't handle music that bad. OK, on your feet, staffie
*Two spammers pick up Snuggly, he staggers around a bit. The group aim their weapons at him*
Alexj17 - Any last requests?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, could you not kill me?
The Jocks Rule - OK
*The Jocks Rule starts walking out*
big_slow - Get back here, you idiot! We're not gonna grant his request!
The Jocks Rule - But you said-
big_slow - Remember our little talk? Think before you speak, OK? Now, everybody shoot!
The Jocks Rule - At him?
big_slow - No, at Santa Claus
The Jocks Rule - Now you're just being stupid
*The newbies and spammers start shooting at Snuggly. He literally falls to pieces as the shots make their impact. Eventually they run out of ammo and leave, laughing. schroeder comes running down*
schroeder - Pft, so much for this body armour! It couldn't stop a water pistol! I mean, um, oh no! Snuggly's dead! Yay, and I put £10 down on it! Woo! This little sexual giblet is a gold mine!
*Scene 4*
*Snuggly is on a stretcher being rushed around the hospital*
Orderly - Um, does anyone know where we're going?
*They stop*
Orderly 2 - I was following you
Orderly - Yeah but I was following her
Patient - I don't even work here!
Orderly - Oh
*Eventually Snuggly is rushed into an operating room*
Orderly - Doctor, doctor!
Doctor - This better not be another doctor doctor joke!
Orderly - No, this guy has been shot!
Doctor - I can see that! I didn't spend £200 on Adidas eyes that don't work you know!
Orderly - No, I mean you need to do something!
Doctor - What? It's 11:35 for God's sake! Just stick him on the pile with the others
Orderly - But he has outstanding parking fines he needs to pay!
Doctor - So do half the patients here, you don't see me treating them, do you?
Orderly - We have orders from Special Reserve, they say he's the candidate for the RoboStaff project
Doctor - Ah, why didn't you say? I'll get right on it...
*fadeout*
Mr Snuggly - Ow, my head...
Doctor - What the? Didn't we give him the anaesthetic?
Nurse - Oh, so THAT'S what that big needle you gave me was for... sorry, I sold it to some dead heads outside
Doctor - Grr, just hit him!
*fadeout*
Doctor - OK, bring me that armour... wait, what the heck is this?
Nurse - The armour you asked for
Doctor - You just stole this from a museum didn't you? What happened to the £3,000 titanium armour SR bought?
Nurse - £3,000 titanium armour? *whistles innocently*
Doctor - I knew I shouldn't have hired my staff from the Ex Cons job centre! OK, it'll have to do
*fadeout*
Loki - Can he hear me?
Doctor - No, I turned his volume down. He kept screaming whenever we played Bob The Builder for some reason... OK, he can hear you now
Loki - OK... so, um, hi Snuggly. Sorry about getting you killed and all, but, well, you know, I want that promotion and if you work, I'm a shoe in!
Snuggly - (mumbling) mstard
Loki - Sorry, what was that?
Snuggly - Moo mstard
Loki - I'm sorry, Doc, do you know what he's trying to say?
Doctor - I don't have a clue. But we'll find out when I re-attach his jaw. They found it in the warehouse yesterday
*fadeout*
Loki - We get the best of both worlds. The best computer assisted memory money can buy
*Someone in the crowd coughs*
Loki - OK, OK, it's only an X-Box, but Tony blew the budget on more cars for his garage. OK, back to the project. An X-Box for a brain, and a lifetime of service with SR... Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... RoboStaff
*Robostaff gets up from the chair, everyone applauds him*
http://www.boomspeed.com/mattt/robostaff1.jpg
fido dido - Wow, even with an X-Box for a brain he managed to stand up!
Odie - What does he eat?
Loki - It's simple really, this mush has vodka, gin and beer stirred into it. It makes him fart and burp a lot, but he runs like a bat out of hell
fido dido - So, Loki, what can he do?
Loki - He can pick three GADs a day, by reading every single review, cheat and post within two minutes. He can ban spammers and cheaters 0.22 seconds after they have offended. Your average spammer is simply banned, but repeat offenders are dealt with with violence. And lots of it.
fido dido - Can he work out sums too?
Loki - Yes, of course
fido dido - Good, I've been having problems with my taxes, you see-
Tony - Ahem! Thank you for the presentation, Loki. Send him to work
*The group starts to leave*
Hybrid Valves - If only Mr Snuggly wasn't dead, he'd have loved this
schroeder - Yeah...
*RoboStaff necks a bottle of whisky. schroeder has flashbacks of Snuggly drinking*
*Scene 5*
*A newbie is sat at his computer*
Stigy - I know! Everyone will love me if I spam so I get high on the top posters list! And they'll probably give me some GADs for making so many posts!
*The door behind him is kicked down. RoboStaff steps through the gap where the door used to be*
RoboStaff - Freeze, punk
Stigy - Just a minute, I'm just insulting these notable guys. That's sure to make me popular!
*RoboStaff draws his cannon sized gun and aims it at the newbie*
RoboStaff - You have exactly two seconds to think what you'd like more. To spam up the forums, annoying everyone and dispensing of your chances of ever winning a GAD... or breathing
Stigy - Hmm, well I'm sure no-one minds me spamming, so I think I'll keep it up
*RoboStaff opens fire, spraying Stigy with round after round*
Stigy - *choking on his own blood* Spam forever!
RoboStaff - Thank you for your co-operation
*Scene 6*
*SR towers. Loki is reading a computer screen*
Loki - Yes! Spam is down 95%! This is excellent!
Hybrid Valves - 95? Who's doing the other 5?
Loki - Hercules. But we can't exactly ban a staff member can we?
Hybrid Valves - Yeah, I guess. So, you've been promoted, eh?
Loki - Indeed I have. I'm living it up, fast cars, even faster women, DVDs, CDs, everything I've ever wanted!
Hybrid Valves - I used to have a fast woman...
Loki - Oh, Hybrid, stop going on about Mystique. It's not your fault she ran off to join the Playboy channel
Hybrid Valves - *sniff* Yeah, I guess... So what you up to now?
Loki - Going home. I've got a couple of models coming over, know what I mean?
Hybrid Valves - Ha ha! I'd buy that for a dollar
*Loki runs off to his Porsche*
*Scene 7*
*RoboStaff is resting on his chair, asleep. He starts fidgeting and muttering in his sleep. Two staff members are eating doughnuts by the table next to him*
RoboStaff - No, no.... no! Not.... Bob the Builder.... no! Please!
fido dido - Hey, what the heck?
Brad - What is it?
fido dido - Urgh, this doughnut has jam in it! I specifically asked for plain!
*RoboStaff jumps up from his seat*
Brad - Hey, you're not allowed out! It's past your bedtime!
RoboStaff - Must. Kill. Bob the Builder. I mean, um, newbies who killed me
*RoboStaff marches off*
fido dido - Quick, get Loki!
Brad - No, YOU get Loki! I got him last time when you fell asleep and dribbled on your computer, shorting it out
fido dido - I told you, I was dreaming about Carmen Electra!
Brad - Funny how you were muttering about Mandy Dingle in your sleep...
*Back with RoboStaff, schroeder sees him and approaches*
schroeder - Hey, Robo, got a minute?
RoboStaff - *stopping* How can I help you, Ms schroeder?
schroeder - Look, I know this is gonna sound daft, but... Snuggly, it's you
*RoboStaff takes a step back*
schroeder - And you owe me £10, so cough up!
RoboStaff - Excuse me, I must go. Somewhere, a newbie is annoying the regulars
*He marches off, leaving schroeder looking puzzled*
schroeder - Oh, wait, maybe he's Darkus...
*Scene 8*
*Loki's pad*
Loki - Ah, you must be the model... would you like to come in Miss....?
Mystique - Mystique, but you can call me Mistress Mysty
Loki - *excited* Excellent! Can I take your coat?
Mystique - Yes, but I must warn you I'm not wearing anything underneath it
Loki - *frothing at the mouth* Excellent!! Please, sit down
*There's a knock at the door*
Loki - That must be the other model. I always like to do things in twos, hur hur hur
*Loki enthusiastically jogs to the door. When he opens it, big_slow is standing in the doorway*
Loki - Well, I must say, you're a little more butch than you looked in your photo
big_slow - Shut up, you fool. Dog, leave
Mystique - Hey, if you're gonna kill him... do I still get paid?
big_slow - Out!
*As she leaves, big_slow pulls a gun*
big_slow - Three guesses as to what I'm going to do with you
Loki - Do I win a prize?
*big_slow sighs, then shoots Loki in the leg*
Loki - Ow! They really should make those bullets out of rubber or something, they really hurt! Oh, I appear to be bleeding....
*big_slow slips a tiny disc into Loki's Game Cube. Hercules appears on the giant widescreen TV*
Hercules - Hey, buddy boy. I bet you're on your knees, begging for your life, right about now
Loki - Well, actually...
Hercules - Shut up! Before I kill- well, I mean before HE kills you, I want you to know this isn't personal. Well, except for the whole going over my head and making my Uber Banners worthless thing
Loki - Whatever he's paying you, I'll give you half!
Hercules - You know what's sad about this? Well, apart from you dying. It's that we could've been friends. I did a lot of work for you on the forums before I was even a member of staff! And how do you repay me? You create that ugly RoboStaff thing!
Loki - Hey! Snuggly was ugly before we ever touched him!
Hercules - Now, you have to die... sorry
*big_slow places a bomb on the table, and leaves. Loki's house explodes and is engulfed in flames*
Loki - They should really make this fire out of something else, it really burns
*Scene 9*
*big_slow and Nimco are in a huge factory, walking along with Omega-X*
Omega-X - This is a thousand newbies typing at a thousand computers. Soon they will have spammed up SR so badly, they'll be shut down! No more GADs for anyone! Ha ha ha ha!
big_slow - OK, I'll give you £10,000 for the lot of 'em
Omega-X - For a thousand spammers? I don't think so! £50,000
big_slow - I don't think I wanna pay that
Omega-X - I don't give a s-
*There is a loud crashing sound. The spammers grab their guns and arrange themselves around the huge double doors. They fly open and RoboStaff steps in*
RoboStaff - This... is a bust
Nimco - Only looks like an A cup to me!
RoboStaff - Hmm, don't have enough bullets for all of you, do you guys think you could just promise to never spam again? That way I don't have to shoot you...
Nimco - I know you... we killed you! We killed you!
*They all start shooting at RoboStaff, who scans them all, one by one*
Nimco - Get out of here!
*big_slow starts running to the back exit. RoboStaff is still standing there. Eventually he begins to make his way through the building, spraying each newbie with lead as he passes them*
big_slow - Stop him!
Nimco - I'm trying! Oh, wait, no I'm not - my safety's on
*Nimco starts firing just as RoboStaff shoots him. big_slow makes a run for it, but trips over a wire, unplugging all the computers. The entire room goes dark as RoboStaff looms over him*
big_slow - You can't touch me! I've got protection! This sunblock is REALLY good!
*RoboStaff grips him by the neck*
big_slow - *choking* You can't do this! You're a staff member! You have the follow the rules!
RoboStaff - I make the rules, spammer!
big_slow - *almost passing out* There's another guy, he spams even more than me! He works for SR! It's Herculeeeeeeees!
*big_slow screams as he's thrown several metres by RoboStaff*
big_slow - I work for Hercules! Hercules works for Tony! You work for Tony! *pause* Don't you?
*RoboStaff stops to think for a moment*
RoboStaff - Yes, I work for Tony
*Scene 10*
*SR Towers. Hercules is sat at his office, on the phone*
Hercules - Jeebus, you really messed up this time! Don't worry, the boys will have you out in 24 hours... In the meantime, don't take any showers
*RoboStaff breaks down the door*
Hercules - Ah, RoboStaff I presume? Just so you know, that door is coming out of your wages. Now, what can I do for you?
RoboStaff - You have been linked with big_slow, I'm taking you in
*RoboStaff approaches Hercules, then suddenly doubles over in pain*
Hercules - Ha ha ha, what's the matter, staffie? I'll tell you what's the matter, a little something I added to your programme... any attempt to arrest a fellow staff member results in immediate playing of Bob the Builder in your ears
RoboStaff - I... will... kill... you
Hercules - I doubt it. I put the entire album in there, it'll be playing all week. I had to kill Loki because he made a mistake... and he kept borrowing my ruler without asking... but now it's time to erase that mistake. I'd like you to meet the Uber Banner
*A huge Uber Banner robot steps out of the shadows, aims it's twin cannons at RoboStaff, and begins firing. RoboStaff is sent crashing into a bookcase*
Hercules - My Thomas The Tank Engine books! Oh, you'll pay for that, tin man, mark my words
*The Uber Banner picks up RoboStaff and knocks him around. He throws him back through the doors he came in through. RoboStaff is knocked for six, staggering around. Uber Staff is about to deal him the final blow*
RoboStaff - Wait! Wait! If you're so smart... tell me this - If a woodchuck chucks wood, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
*The Uber Banner stops in it's tracks*
Hercules - What are you doing?! Destroy him!
RoboStaff - Try this on for size - If I went back in time and killed my granddad, I wouldn't exist. So I wouldn't be able to go back in time and kill my granddad, so I WOULD exist. So then I could go back and kill my granddad so I wouldn't exist, but then-
Hercules - Stop it!
RoboStaff - And finally... you're designed to stop spammers, but your very creator is a spammer himself. How's that for double standards?
*The Uber Banner starts shaking, smoke bellowing from every orifice. Finally it explodes, and collapses in a heap on the floor. Hercules looks on in disbelief as RoboStaff legs it for the doors. He bumps into schroeder*
RoboStaff - Help... me
schroeder - Yeah, alright. But only because I want that £10 you owe me. Quick, my staff mobile is parked 'round back
*Scene 11*
*RoboStaff is sat in the SR staff car park. schroeder approaches*
schroeder - Man, you'd better be Snuggly and not some other dead staff member, I really want that £10 back! OK, I got you some gin and vodka... you asked for this?
*She hands him a drill as he starts chugging down the bottles*
schroeder - Thirsty?
RoboStaff - I need Dutch courage
*He drops the bottles and holds up the drill*
RoboStaff - You may not like what you're about to see...
schroeder - Believe me, I've seen worse. I ever tell you about my last boyfriend? He-
*RoboStaff takes off his mask, revealing his face*
http://www.boomspeed.com/mattt/robostaff3.jpg
schroeder - What can I say? It's an improvement
RoboStaff - I had outstanding parking fines, what happened to them?
schroeder - They repossessed your car...
RoboStaff - No!
schroeder - And your drinks cabinet
RoboStaff - Noooooo!
schroeder - Hey, what's that?
*A large van pulls up in the car park, and a group of newbies and spammers get out, brandishing huge guns*
big_slow - OK, Hercules wants that freak dead. Nothing fancy, just torture and kill it
Beckham "7" - I've got the Bob The Builder CD on standby, boss!
*RoboStaff and schroeder hide behind one of Tony's many cars*
RoboStaff - You'd better get out of here!
schroeder - What are you, nuts? Of course I'm getting out of here! Oh no! They've put down the barrier, I can't get out! Just my luck, I'm stuck with a bunch of spammers, a load of Tony's cars and a dead guy in a metal suit!
*RoboStaff stands up*
RoboStaff - Looking for me, spammers?
The Jocks Rule - No! We're looking for some robot staff guy!
*big_slow whacks The Jocks Rule over the head with a newspaper*
big_slow - That's him, you idiot! Get him!
*RoboStaff shoots at the crowd, Steel Mouse gets hit and drops to the floor. Tony comes out of the building*
Tony - What the-? Hey, you're getting blood all over my cars! Lousy spammers!
RoboStaff - Get down, sir!
schroeder - Yeah, if you die, who's gonna pay us?!
*schroeder runs up to Tony and rushes him back inside. RoboStaff enters into a deadly duel with the remaining spammers. Tony's cars are sent flying left and right in huge mushroom explosions. Smoke and flames cover the floor of the car park. big_slow runs up to one of the cars and begins hot-wiring it*
big_slow - *shouting over the gun fire* Beckham "7"! Get in the van!
*Beckham "7" gets back into the van just as big_slow starts the car's engine. They start speeding towards RoboStaff. Robo begins firing at the van, which swerves out of control and crashes into a huge tanker full of God knows what. Beckham "7" emerges, soaking wet, his skin melting*
J Savo - Why the heck do SR have industrial waste in their car park?
schroeder - Tony uses it to clean his engines
*J Savo turns around just as schroeder shoots him*
schroeder - Isn't it obvious?
*big_slow is driving around in circles, trying to hit RoboStaff*
big_slow - Darn it! Stop moving around! You're making this hard!
schroeder - Robo, watch out!
*RoboStaff turns around to see what she means and big_slow's car ploughs into him*
schroeder - Oops
*big_slow crawls out of the wreckage to find RoboStaff struggling under the weight of the car, his lower torso buried in the tarmac*
big_slow - Why won't you die?
RoboStaff - I'm the hero, moron
big_slow - We'll see about that!
*He grabs a large metal pole and starts bashing RoboStaff with it*
RoboStaff - Ow! That hurts! This armour isn't thick you know! Hey, it's all rusty, you're gonna give me tetanus!
big_slow - So long, Mr Snuggly. Bet you wish you'd given me some GADs now, don't you?
RoboStaff - Never!
*RoboStaff spits vodka into big_slow's eyes*
big_slow - It burns! It burns!
*big_slow stumbles backwards and onto a flaming car. His jacket quickly catches alight*
big_slow - It burns! It burns!
*Flapping his arms around, he wanders into the puddle of toxic waste on the floor*
big_slow - It burns! It burns!
*big_slow starts melting into the puddle*
big_slow - I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!
*Finally, big_slow is but a bubbling mess*
schroeder - Snuggly! I'm a mess!
RoboStaff - Don't worry, schroeder, they'll fix you... they fix everything
schroeder - Fix me? It's only a bit of jam spilt down my uniform!
*Scene 12*
*SR staff meeting. Hercules is addressing the table*
Hercules - Loki's death was a terrible accident... Ha ha, that's what you think
Tony - Did you say something, Hercules?
Hercules - No, nothing. Anyway, now that Loki and that walking photocopier RoboStaff are gone, we can begin full production of the Uber Banner
*RoboStaff bursts into the room, everyone gasps*
Hercules - How can I help you, officer?
RoboStaff - By resisting banning
Hercules - Ha! You can't ban me!
RoboStaff - The Bob the Builder MP3s in my memory will not allow me to act against a member of staff
*RoboStaff plugs himself into the large TV. Hercules appears on the screen*
Hercules On TV - I had to kill Loki because he made a mistake... now it's time to erase that mistake
*Everyone stares at Hercules, who looks shocked. He looks around, then grabs Tony, using him as a human shield*
Hercules - I want one of Tony's cars! Everyone remain calm, we're going to go down to the car park, and drive away. Anyone tries anything, and the old pervert gets it
Tony - Hercules, you're FIRED!
*Tony whacks Hercules with his elbow*
RoboStaff - Um, sir... do you think you could get out of the way?
Tony - Ah yes, sorry, sonny
*Tony dives onto the floor, and RoboStaff draws his gun*
Hercules - Nooooooo!
*RoboStaff fires, splattering Hercules' internal organs all over the floor*
Hybrid Valves - Urgh! His liver landed in my coffee!
*Hercules staggers back, and falls through the window*
Hercules - Arrrrrgh! Phew, thank goodness we're on the ground floor
*RoboStaff stands over him*
RoboStaff - Here's your pink slip
*Everyone groans at the bad one liner as RoboStaff fires again, splitting Hercules' head open*
Tony - That's some nice shooting, son, what's your name?
RoboStaff - Snuggly. And here's my Alcoholics Anonymous card to prove it
*THE END*
Special thanks to Hercules for uploading the images for me
*Scene 1*
(Badly composed news theme) Dun dun dun dun dun dun! It's the 6 o'clock news!
*A posh looking newsreader sits, reading his auto cues*
Newsreader - Hello, and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm someone with an annoying voice
Newsreader 2 - And I'm a posh woman who your dad fancies
Newsreader - Indeed you are. Now, today's headlines. Prime Minister Stryke was found to be drunk and disorderly at his press conference yesterday
*Shot of Stryke wobbling*
Stryke - (slurring his speech) And another thing! What's with all these double yellow lines, eh? They make me want to *beep* *beep* wretch!
*Stryke throws up. Back to the newsreaders*
Newsreader - (laughing falsely) Ha ha ha, that PM of ours... just think, he has his finger on the button
Newsreader 2 - Yes, so we'd like to remind everyone that our channel endorses nuclear bunkers made by Sony
Newsreader - Don't blame me, I voted for Grix Thraves
Newsreader 2 - In other news, Special Reserve Chairman Tony entered into a deal with the Metropolitan Police Department in a bid to run the police forces in southern England today. After successful demonstrations of the SR staff banning, the chief of police believes this same zero tolerance can be brought in to deal with REAL crimes, which are now being committed by newbies and high spamming regulars. SR staff have already been integrated into the police force to deal with the highest crime levels in British history
Newsreader - We have just received word that several SR staff members have been gunned down in a deadly battle between SR staff and members of the SR forums. It is believed that big_slow, a well known ex-member of the forums, is responsible for the shootings. big_slow is believed to be the ring leader of a crime wave that residents are calling a war zone.
*A picture of big_slow, cross eyed, appears on the screen*
Newsreader 2 - If any of you see this individual, you must call the SR customer services line immediately. In the eyes of SR, he is the most dangerous man alive.
*The TV is switched off*
Dad - Wow, she's one fine piece of kit
Rakuga - Dad! That's disgusting!
*Scene 2*
*SR staff meeting. Hybrid, Loki, Darkus, Odie, fido dido, Joe King et all are sat around a large table*
Tony - I've had this dream... where deliveries arrive the day they were ordered, where newbies tremble at the mere thought of spamming, and where the forum users stop wasting the staff's time
*The staff around the table applaud this notion*
Tony - But this newbie and spammer crime wave is taking up all our resources! For every quality poster like Solskjær and RM18, we have 10 posters like this big_slow character. We need super-staff members, who don't need to eat or sleep. We need staff who can patrol the streets day and night, arresting criminals and spammers alike. That is why I hired this man.... Hercules!
*Hercules steps up and bows*
Hercules - Thank you, sir. As you all know, I longed for a job here at SR, and now that I have it, I won't disappoint. I have been secretly working on... the Uber Banner!
*The double doors open and a huge mechanical beast steps out. The staff members are in awe*
http://www.boomspeed.com/mattt/robostaff2.jpg
Hercules - Not only can he interface with the SR forums to do normal staff duties, but he can replace our staff members on the streets. Now, for a demonstration... ah, Darkus, would you kindly step up?
*Darkus timidly gets up and approaches Hercules*
Hercules - Now, Darkus, take this gun and use it in a threatening manner
Darkus - A what?
Hercules - Point it at the Uber Banner
*Darkus does so and the Uber Banner springs into action*
Uber Banner - Please desist in your spamming/swearing/crime. You have 0.5 seconds to comply
Hercules - Whoops, forgot to re-set the timing...
*The Uber Banner opens fire on Darkus with its twin cannons. Darkus is ripped to shreds as the other staff members cower behind their seats. Eventually the Uber Banner stops firing, and Darkus is left in pieces, spread out over the table, blood splattered all over the walls and everybody in the room*
Hybrid Valves - Don't worry, I know the kiss of life!
*As Hybrid tries pumping on Darkus' chest while trying to breath down his head which is at the other end of the room, Tony approaches Hercules*
Tony - Hercules, I'm very disappointed! These things are meant to go into production next week!
Hercules - I'm sorry sir, it's just a minor bug
Tony - The SR forums crashing and wiping its members is a minor bug, THIS is a catastrophe!
*Loki dashes up*
Loki - Sir, perhaps you're aware of the RoboStaff programme, designed by myself at the SR bugs department?
Hercules - Loki, this is neither the time, nor the place-
Tony - Oh, shut up! Now then, Loki, what's your plan?
Loki - We take an existing staff member and, well, it's pretty messy, but we end up with a RoboStaff
Tony - I like the cut of your gib, I expect a presentation in two minutes
*Loki rushes off as Hercules shoots daggers at him with his eyes*
*Scene 3*
*Snuggly and schroeder are cruising around in their staff mobile*
Mr Snuggly - Rodger that, Loki
*Snuggly puts the radio back down*
schroeder - What was all that about?
Mr Snuggly - Loki wants us to drive into the most dangerous part of town, into a known criminal newbie hideout and try and arrest some people who greatly out number and out gun us
schroeder - He isn't trying to claim on your life insurance is he?
Mr Snuggly - Either that or he's got a bet with Hybrid over who can get me killed first
*schroeder picks up the radio*
schroeder - I'm putting £10 on you, Loki
*They pull up at an old warehouse*
Mr Snuggly - This is the place. Loki said we should split up, not sure why...
schroeder - Well, it doubles the chances of you getting shot
Mr Snuggly - Oh yeah, well in that case we'd better stick togeth-
schroeder - (running off in the opposite direction) Too late!
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it?
*Snuggly loads his gun and ventures into the warehouse*
Jimpy - Yeah, so I was posting, and this kid who said he was the Prime Minister told me to stop, so I laughed at him! As if a stupid forum user could rule America! Ha ha ha!
Simon45 - Ha ha ha!
Beckham "7" - Hey, guys, you hear that?
Steel Mouse - No, what?
Beckham "7" - Sounded like... a staff member sneaking up on us...
J Savo - Ha ha, all that spamming has made your brains into mush!
Mr Snuggly - He's right, you know, a staff member IS sneaking up on you
*Snuggly approaches the group of newbies who are sat around a PC, making rude posts. They raise their hands slowly*
Mr Snuggly - Hmm, don't have enough handcuffs for all of you, do you guys think you could just promise to never spam again? That way I don't have to arrest you...
big_slow - Drop it, staffie scum... Ha, always wanted to say that! Put your gun down!
*big_slow is standing behind Snuggly, with a shotgun pressed against his skull*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, that gun's cold!
*He drops his gun and the newbies scramble to grab theirs. They all point their shotguns at Snuggly*
big_slow - These cowards never travel alone, they're afraid of crossing the road without having someone's hand to hold... So, staffie, where's your partner?
Mr Snuggly - I'm not gay!
big_slow - No, I mean your OTHER partner!
Mr Snuggly - Who, my dog?
big_slow - Grr! Your SR partner!
Mr Snuggly - Look, I don't know what you've heard, but NOTHING happened when I was locked in that cupboard with Hybrid!
*big_slow whacks Snuggly's legs and he crashes onto the floor*
*The Jocks Rule comes in*
The Jocks Rule - She was upstairs, flicking through my porn collection, she was SWEEE-EEET! I punched her in the head! Ha ha!
big_slow - Thanks for the subtlety... now, staffie, what do we do with you? Ha ha ha
The Jocks Rule - Shoot him!
big_slow - Look, we went over this the other day, I'm not REALLY asking what we're gonna do, I *know* we're gonna shoot him, I'm just making him sweat a bit, OK?
The Jocks Rule - Really, is the air conditioning not working again?
big_slow - I didn't mean- Aw, forget it! Hey, where do you think you're going?!
Mr Snuggly - I was just trying to sneak away while you were arguing... Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying
big_slow - Get back here! Now, on your knees
Mr Snuggly - I told you, I'm not ga-
big_slow - Silence! Now, we're gonna torture you
Mr Snuggly - No!
big_slow - Yes! Nimco, start the torture
Mr Snuggly - No, God, no! Not that!
big_slow - Yes... THAT!
*Nimco puts the Bob the Builder record on*
big_slow - Bwahahaha! Squirm at its awfulness
*Snuggly is thrashing around on the floor, trying to cover his ears*
Mr Snuggly - It burns! It burns!
big_slow - OK, turn it off... even I can't handle music that bad. OK, on your feet, staffie
*Two spammers pick up Snuggly, he staggers around a bit. The group aim their weapons at him*
Alexj17 - Any last requests?
Mr Snuggly - Yes, could you not kill me?
The Jocks Rule - OK
*The Jocks Rule starts walking out*
big_slow - Get back here, you idiot! We're not gonna grant his request!
The Jocks Rule - But you said-
big_slow - Remember our little talk? Think before you speak, OK? Now, everybody shoot!
The Jocks Rule - At him?
big_slow - No, at Santa Claus
The Jocks Rule - Now you're just being stupid
*The newbies and spammers start shooting at Snuggly. He literally falls to pieces as the shots make their impact. Eventually they run out of ammo and leave, laughing. schroeder comes running down*
schroeder - Pft, so much for this body armour! It couldn't stop a water pistol! I mean, um, oh no! Snuggly's dead! Yay, and I put £10 down on it! Woo! This little sexual giblet is a gold mine!
*Scene 4*
*Snuggly is on a stretcher being rushed around the hospital*
Orderly - Um, does anyone know where we're going?
*They stop*
Orderly 2 - I was following you
Orderly - Yeah but I was following her
Patient - I don't even work here!
Orderly - Oh
*Eventually Snuggly is rushed into an operating room*
Orderly - Doctor, doctor!
Doctor - This better not be another doctor doctor joke!
Orderly - No, this guy has been shot!
Doctor - I can see that! I didn't spend £200 on Adidas eyes that don't work you know!
Orderly - No, I mean you need to do something!
Doctor - What? It's 11:35 for God's sake! Just stick him on the pile with the others
Orderly - But he has outstanding parking fines he needs to pay!
Doctor - So do half the patients here, you don't see me treating them, do you?
Orderly - We have orders from Special Reserve, they say he's the candidate for the RoboStaff project
Doctor - Ah, why didn't you say? I'll get right on it...
*fadeout*
Mr Snuggly - Ow, my head...
Doctor - What the? Didn't we give him the anaesthetic?
Nurse - Oh, so THAT'S what that big needle you gave me was for... sorry, I sold it to some dead heads outside
Doctor - Grr, just hit him!
*fadeout*
Doctor - OK, bring me that armour... wait, what the heck is this?
Nurse - The armour you asked for
Doctor - You just stole this from a museum didn't you? What happened to the £3,000 titanium armour SR bought?
Nurse - £3,000 titanium armour? *whistles innocently*
Doctor - I knew I shouldn't have hired my staff from the Ex Cons job centre! OK, it'll have to do
*fadeout*
Loki - Can he hear me?
Doctor - No, I turned his volume down. He kept screaming whenever we played Bob The Builder for some reason... OK, he can hear you now
Loki - OK... so, um, hi Snuggly. Sorry about getting you killed and all, but, well, you know, I want that promotion and if you work, I'm a shoe in!
Snuggly - (mumbling) mstard
Loki - Sorry, what was that?
Snuggly - Moo mstard
Loki - I'm sorry, Doc, do you know what he's trying to say?
Doctor - I don't have a clue. But we'll find out when I re-attach his jaw. They found it in the warehouse yesterday
*fadeout*
Loki - We get the best of both worlds. The best computer assisted memory money can buy
*Someone in the crowd coughs*
Loki - OK, OK, it's only an X-Box, but Tony blew the budget on more cars for his garage. OK, back to the project. An X-Box for a brain, and a lifetime of service with SR... Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... RoboStaff
*Robostaff gets up from the chair, everyone applauds him*
http://www.boomspeed.com/mattt/robostaff1.jpg
fido dido - Wow, even with an X-Box for a brain he managed to stand up!
Odie - What does he eat?
Loki - It's simple really, this mush has vodka, gin and beer stirred into it. It makes him fart and burp a lot, but he runs like a bat out of hell
fido dido - So, Loki, what can he do?
Loki - He can pick three GADs a day, by reading every single review, cheat and post within two minutes. He can ban spammers and cheaters 0.22 seconds after they have offended. Your average spammer is simply banned, but repeat offenders are dealt with with violence. And lots of it.
fido dido - Can he work out sums too?
Loki - Yes, of course
fido dido - Good, I've been having problems with my taxes, you see-
Tony - Ahem! Thank you for the presentation, Loki. Send him to work
*The group starts to leave*
Hybrid Valves - If only Mr Snuggly wasn't dead, he'd have loved this
schroeder - Yeah...
*RoboStaff necks a bottle of whisky. schroeder has flashbacks of Snuggly drinking*
*Scene 5*
*A newbie is sat at his computer*
Stigy - I know! Everyone will love me if I spam so I get high on the top posters list! And they'll probably give me some GADs for making so many posts!
*The door behind him is kicked down. RoboStaff steps through the gap where the door used to be*
RoboStaff - Freeze, punk
Stigy - Just a minute, I'm just insulting these notable guys. That's sure to make me popular!
*RoboStaff draws his cannon sized gun and aims it at the newbie*
RoboStaff - You have exactly two seconds to think what you'd like more. To spam up the forums, annoying everyone and dispensing of your chances of ever winning a GAD... or breathing
Stigy - Hmm, well I'm sure no-one minds me spamming, so I think I'll keep it up
*RoboStaff opens fire, spraying Stigy with round after round*
Stigy - *choking on his own blood* Spam forever!
RoboStaff - Thank you for your co-operation
*Scene 6*
*SR towers. Loki is reading a computer screen*
Loki - Yes! Spam is down 95%! This is excellent!
Hybrid Valves - 95? Who's doing the other 5?
Loki - Hercules. But we can't exactly ban a staff member can we?
Hybrid Valves - Yeah, I guess. So, you've been promoted, eh?
Loki - Indeed I have. I'm living it up, fast cars, even faster women, DVDs, CDs, everything I've ever wanted!
Hybrid Valves - I used to have a fast woman...
Loki - Oh, Hybrid, stop going on about Mystique. It's not your fault she ran off to join the Playboy channel
Hybrid Valves - *sniff* Yeah, I guess... So what you up to now?
Loki - Going home. I've got a couple of models coming over, know what I mean?
Hybrid Valves - Ha ha! I'd buy that for a dollar
*Loki runs off to his Porsche*
*Scene 7*
*RoboStaff is resting on his chair, asleep. He starts fidgeting and muttering in his sleep. Two staff members are eating doughnuts by the table next to him*
RoboStaff - No, no.... no! Not.... Bob the Builder.... no! Please!
fido dido - Hey, what the heck?
Brad - What is it?
fido dido - Urgh, this doughnut has jam in it! I specifically asked for plain!
*RoboStaff jumps up from his seat*
Brad - Hey, you're not allowed out! It's past your bedtime!
RoboStaff - Must. Kill. Bob the Builder. I mean, um, newbies who killed me
*RoboStaff marches off*
fido dido - Quick, get Loki!
Brad - No, YOU get Loki! I got him last time when you fell asleep and dribbled on your computer, shorting it out
fido dido - I told you, I was dreaming about Carmen Electra!
Brad - Funny how you were muttering about Mandy Dingle in your sleep...
*Back with RoboStaff, schroeder sees him and approaches*
schroeder - Hey, Robo, got a minute?
RoboStaff - *stopping* How can I help you, Ms schroeder?
schroeder - Look, I know this is gonna sound daft, but... Snuggly, it's you
*RoboStaff takes a step back*
schroeder - And you owe me £10, so cough up!
RoboStaff - Excuse me, I must go. Somewhere, a newbie is annoying the regulars
*He marches off, leaving schroeder looking puzzled*
schroeder - Oh, wait, maybe he's Darkus...
*Scene 8*
*Loki's pad*
Loki - Ah, you must be the model... would you like to come in Miss....?
Mystique - Mystique, but you can call me Mistress Mysty
Loki - *excited* Excellent! Can I take your coat?
Mystique - Yes, but I must warn you I'm not wearing anything underneath it
Loki - *frothing at the mouth* Excellent!! Please, sit down
*There's a knock at the door*
Loki - That must be the other model. I always like to do things in twos, hur hur hur
*Loki enthusiastically jogs to the door. When he opens it, big_slow is standing in the doorway*
Loki - Well, I must say, you're a little more butch than you looked in your photo
big_slow - Shut up, you fool. Dog, leave
Mystique - Hey, if you're gonna kill him... do I still get paid?
big_slow - Out!
*As she leaves, big_slow pulls a gun*
big_slow - Three guesses as to what I'm going to do with you
Loki - Do I win a prize?
*big_slow sighs, then shoots Loki in the leg*
Loki - Ow! They really should make those bullets out of rubber or something, they really hurt! Oh, I appear to be bleeding....
*big_slow slips a tiny disc into Loki's Game Cube. Hercules appears on the giant widescreen TV*
Hercules - Hey, buddy boy. I bet you're on your knees, begging for your life, right about now
Loki - Well, actually...
Hercules - Shut up! Before I kill- well, I mean before HE kills you, I want you to know this isn't personal. Well, except for the whole going over my head and making my Uber Banners worthless thing
Loki - Whatever he's paying you, I'll give you half!
Hercules - You know what's sad about this? Well, apart from you dying. It's that we could've been friends. I did a lot of work for you on the forums before I was even a member of staff! And how do you repay me? You create that ugly RoboStaff thing!
Loki - Hey! Snuggly was ugly before we ever touched him!
Hercules - Now, you have to die... sorry
*big_slow places a bomb on the table, and leaves. Loki's house explodes and is engulfed in flames*
Loki - They should really make this fire out of something else, it really burns
*Scene 9*
*big_slow and Nimco are in a huge factory, walking along with Omega-X*
Omega-X - This is a thousand newbies typing at a thousand computers. Soon they will have spammed up SR so badly, they'll be shut down! No more GADs for anyone! Ha ha ha ha!
big_slow - OK, I'll give you £10,000 for the lot of 'em
Omega-X - For a thousand spammers? I don't think so! £50,000
big_slow - I don't think I wanna pay that
Omega-X - I don't give a s-
*There is a loud crashing sound. The spammers grab their guns and arrange themselves around the huge double doors. They fly open and RoboStaff steps in*
RoboStaff - This... is a bust
Nimco - Only looks like an A cup to me!
RoboStaff - Hmm, don't have enough bullets for all of you, do you guys think you could just promise to never spam again? That way I don't have to shoot you...
Nimco - I know you... we killed you! We killed you!
*They all start shooting at RoboStaff, who scans them all, one by one*
Nimco - Get out of here!
*big_slow starts running to the back exit. RoboStaff is still standing there. Eventually he begins to make his way through the building, spraying each newbie with lead as he passes them*
big_slow - Stop him!
Nimco - I'm trying! Oh, wait, no I'm not - my safety's on
*Nimco starts firing just as RoboStaff shoots him. big_slow makes a run for it, but trips over a wire, unplugging all the computers. The entire room goes dark as RoboStaff looms over him*
big_slow - You can't touch me! I've got protection! This sunblock is REALLY good!
*RoboStaff grips him by the neck*
big_slow - *choking* You can't do this! You're a staff member! You have the follow the rules!
RoboStaff - I make the rules, spammer!
big_slow - *almost passing out* There's another guy, he spams even more than me! He works for SR! It's Herculeeeeeeees!
*big_slow screams as he's thrown several metres by RoboStaff*
big_slow - I work for Hercules! Hercules works for Tony! You work for Tony! *pause* Don't you?
*RoboStaff stops to think for a moment*
RoboStaff - Yes, I work for Tony
*Scene 10*
*SR Towers. Hercules is sat at his office, on the phone*
Hercules - Jeebus, you really messed up this time! Don't worry, the boys will have you out in 24 hours... In the meantime, don't take any showers
*RoboStaff breaks down the door*
Hercules - Ah, RoboStaff I presume? Just so you know, that door is coming out of your wages. Now, what can I do for you?
RoboStaff - You have been linked with big_slow, I'm taking you in
*RoboStaff approaches Hercules, then suddenly doubles over in pain*
Hercules - Ha ha ha, what's the matter, staffie? I'll tell you what's the matter, a little something I added to your programme... any attempt to arrest a fellow staff member results in immediate playing of Bob the Builder in your ears
RoboStaff - I... will... kill... you
Hercules - I doubt it. I put the entire album in there, it'll be playing all week. I had to kill Loki because he made a mistake... and he kept borrowing my ruler without asking... but now it's time to erase that mistake. I'd like you to meet the Uber Banner
*A huge Uber Banner robot steps out of the shadows, aims it's twin cannons at RoboStaff, and begins firing. RoboStaff is sent crashing into a bookcase*
Hercules - My Thomas The Tank Engine books! Oh, you'll pay for that, tin man, mark my words
*The Uber Banner picks up RoboStaff and knocks him around. He throws him back through the doors he came in through. RoboStaff is knocked for six, staggering around. Uber Staff is about to deal him the final blow*
RoboStaff - Wait! Wait! If you're so smart... tell me this - If a woodchuck chucks wood, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
*The Uber Banner stops in it's tracks*
Hercules - What are you doing?! Destroy him!
RoboStaff - Try this on for size - If I went back in time and killed my granddad, I wouldn't exist. So I wouldn't be able to go back in time and kill my granddad, so I WOULD exist. So then I could go back and kill my granddad so I wouldn't exist, but then-
Hercules - Stop it!
RoboStaff - And finally... you're designed to stop spammers, but your very creator is a spammer himself. How's that for double standards?
*The Uber Banner starts shaking, smoke bellowing from every orifice. Finally it explodes, and collapses in a heap on the floor. Hercules looks on in disbelief as RoboStaff legs it for the doors. He bumps into schroeder*
RoboStaff - Help... me
schroeder - Yeah, alright. But only because I want that £10 you owe me. Quick, my staff mobile is parked 'round back
*Scene 11*
*RoboStaff is sat in the SR staff car park. schroeder approaches*
schroeder - Man, you'd better be Snuggly and not some other dead staff member, I really want that £10 back! OK, I got you some gin and vodka... you asked for this?
*She hands him a drill as he starts chugging down the bottles*
schroeder - Thirsty?
RoboStaff - I need Dutch courage
*He drops the bottles and holds up the drill*
RoboStaff - You may not like what you're about to see...
schroeder - Believe me, I've seen worse. I ever tell you about my last boyfriend? He-
*RoboStaff takes off his mask, revealing his face*
http://www.boomspeed.com/mattt/robostaff3.jpg
schroeder - What can I say? It's an improvement
RoboStaff - I had outstanding parking fines, what happened to them?
schroeder - They repossessed your car...
RoboStaff - No!
schroeder - And your drinks cabinet
RoboStaff - Noooooo!
schroeder - Hey, what's that?
*A large van pulls up in the car park, and a group of newbies and spammers get out, brandishing huge guns*
big_slow - OK, Hercules wants that freak dead. Nothing fancy, just torture and kill it
Beckham "7" - I've got the Bob The Builder CD on standby, boss!
*RoboStaff and schroeder hide behind one of Tony's many cars*
RoboStaff - You'd better get out of here!
schroeder - What are you, nuts? Of course I'm getting out of here! Oh no! They've put down the barrier, I can't get out! Just my luck, I'm stuck with a bunch of spammers, a load of Tony's cars and a dead guy in a metal suit!
*RoboStaff stands up*
RoboStaff - Looking for me, spammers?
The Jocks Rule - No! We're looking for some robot staff guy!
*big_slow whacks The Jocks Rule over the head with a newspaper*
big_slow - That's him, you idiot! Get him!
*RoboStaff shoots at the crowd, Steel Mouse gets hit and drops to the floor. Tony comes out of the building*
Tony - What the-? Hey, you're getting blood all over my cars! Lousy spammers!
RoboStaff - Get down, sir!
schroeder - Yeah, if you die, who's gonna pay us?!
*schroeder runs up to Tony and rushes him back inside. RoboStaff enters into a deadly duel with the remaining spammers. Tony's cars are sent flying left and right in huge mushroom explosions. Smoke and flames cover the floor of the car park. big_slow runs up to one of the cars and begins hot-wiring it*
big_slow - *shouting over the gun fire* Beckham "7"! Get in the van!
*Beckham "7" gets back into the van just as big_slow starts the car's engine. They start speeding towards RoboStaff. Robo begins firing at the van, which swerves out of control and crashes into a huge tanker full of God knows what. Beckham "7" emerges, soaking wet, his skin melting*
J Savo - Why the heck do SR have industrial waste in their car park?
schroeder - Tony uses it to clean his engines
*J Savo turns around just as schroeder shoots him*
schroeder - Isn't it obvious?
*big_slow is driving around in circles, trying to hit RoboStaff*
big_slow - Darn it! Stop moving around! You're making this hard!
schroeder - Robo, watch out!
*RoboStaff turns around to see what she means and big_slow's car ploughs into him*
schroeder - Oops
*big_slow crawls out of the wreckage to find RoboStaff struggling under the weight of the car, his lower torso buried in the tarmac*
big_slow - Why won't you die?
RoboStaff - I'm the hero, moron
big_slow - We'll see about that!
*He grabs a large metal pole and starts bashing RoboStaff with it*
RoboStaff - Ow! That hurts! This armour isn't thick you know! Hey, it's all rusty, you're gonna give me tetanus!
big_slow - So long, Mr Snuggly. Bet you wish you'd given me some GADs now, don't you?
RoboStaff - Never!
*RoboStaff spits vodka into big_slow's eyes*
big_slow - It burns! It burns!
*big_slow stumbles backwards and onto a flaming car. His jacket quickly catches alight*
big_slow - It burns! It burns!
*Flapping his arms around, he wanders into the puddle of toxic waste on the floor*
big_slow - It burns! It burns!
*big_slow starts melting into the puddle*
big_slow - I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!
*Finally, big_slow is but a bubbling mess*
schroeder - Snuggly! I'm a mess!
RoboStaff - Don't worry, schroeder, they'll fix you... they fix everything
schroeder - Fix me? It's only a bit of jam spilt down my uniform!
*Scene 12*
*SR staff meeting. Hercules is addressing the table*
Hercules - Loki's death was a terrible accident... Ha ha, that's what you think
Tony - Did you say something, Hercules?
Hercules - No, nothing. Anyway, now that Loki and that walking photocopier RoboStaff are gone, we can begin full production of the Uber Banner
*RoboStaff bursts into the room, everyone gasps*
Hercules - How can I help you, officer?
RoboStaff - By resisting banning
Hercules - Ha! You can't ban me!
RoboStaff - The Bob the Builder MP3s in my memory will not allow me to act against a member of staff
*RoboStaff plugs himself into the large TV. Hercules appears on the screen*
Hercules On TV - I had to kill Loki because he made a mistake... now it's time to erase that mistake
*Everyone stares at Hercules, who looks shocked. He looks around, then grabs Tony, using him as a human shield*
Hercules - I want one of Tony's cars! Everyone remain calm, we're going to go down to the car park, and drive away. Anyone tries anything, and the old pervert gets it
Tony - Hercules, you're FIRED!
*Tony whacks Hercules with his elbow*
RoboStaff - Um, sir... do you think you could get out of the way?
Tony - Ah yes, sorry, sonny
*Tony dives onto the floor, and RoboStaff draws his gun*
Hercules - Nooooooo!
*RoboStaff fires, splattering Hercules' internal organs all over the floor*
Hybrid Valves - Urgh! His liver landed in my coffee!
*Hercules staggers back, and falls through the window*
Hercules - Arrrrrgh! Phew, thank goodness we're on the ground floor
*RoboStaff stands over him*
RoboStaff - Here's your pink slip
*Everyone groans at the bad one liner as RoboStaff fires again, splitting Hercules' head open*
Tony - That's some nice shooting, son, what's your name?
RoboStaff - Snuggly. And here's my Alcoholics Anonymous card to prove it
*THE END*
Special thanks to Hercules for uploading the images for me
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Blooooooody excellent post!
The 2nd spoof to win GAD. Well done!
Now I'm off to read the other one I saw at the top of this forum.
:-)
The 2nd spoof to win GAD. Well done!
Now I'm off to read the other one I saw at the top of this forum.
:-)
Well done MoJo, you deserve it very much.
:)
:)
After a seeming reluctance to reward your spoofs GAD, that's two in a row!
Well done MoJoJoJo!
Well done MoJoJoJo!
Is Snuggly back from holiday then?
Anyway - woo! I just found out from Rakuga, so I stuck my GAD win song on (U2 - Elevation) and danced. Thanks for the win, it's cheered me up on this most abysmal day
Anyway - woo! I just found out from Rakuga, so I stuck my GAD win song on (U2 - Elevation) and danced. Thanks for the win, it's cheered me up on this most abysmal day
Congratulations and celebrations. My cameo won it for you. Stryke, me and Snuggly... the winning combination.
MoJoJoJo wrote:
> Ladies and gentlemen, this is PROOF that Loki has stolen Mystique from
> Hybrid Valves!
***********
Nah, Loki just joins in on Friday nights.
Might I add it's Hybrid's fault I ran off to the Playboy channel..he's the one who sent the vid..errr
*Runs*
> Ladies and gentlemen, this is PROOF that Loki has stolen Mystique from
> Hybrid Valves!
***********
Nah, Loki just joins in on Friday nights.
Might I add it's Hybrid's fault I ran off to the Playboy channel..he's the one who sent the vid..errr
*Runs*
loki wrote:
> Heh, that's true and much appreciated. Although I suspect that paying
> Mystique to come and undress for me might undermine my credibility a
> bit...
In the story that is. Obviously.
*coughs nervously*
******
Personally I'd do it the other way round but whatever floats your boat.
and...oi!
> Heh, that's true and much appreciated. Although I suspect that paying
> Mystique to come and undress for me might undermine my credibility a
> bit...
In the story that is. Obviously.
*coughs nervously*
******
Personally I'd do it the other way round but whatever floats your boat.
and...oi!
Glad you all enjoyed it
I wonder what Mystique will say if/when she reads it... She was scoring with Tony in the last one, this time it's Loki...
I wonder what Mystique will say if/when she reads it... She was scoring with Tony in the last one, this time it's Loki...
You know how I feel about your spoofs MoJo.
Excellent. Especially loved the bit with Snuggly and the confusion of being gay and everything. Twas funny.
No problemo about uploading the thingies, twas my pleasure.
Keep em coming.
:)
Excellent. Especially loved the bit with Snuggly and the confusion of being gay and everything. Twas funny.
No problemo about uploading the thingies, twas my pleasure.
Keep em coming.
:)
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