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"Daytime TV Heroes....In Games!"

Seeing as many people have recently found to their cost whilst having time off to watch the World Cup, daytime TV is for the most part utter tripe (apart from Bargain Hunt and the repeats of Magnum P.I.)
Despite the low quality of some of these programs, I do feel that there’s great potential for some of the ‘celebrities’ of the genre to be successful in the games industry, so I have trawled through the schedules and have identified the cream of daytime TV talent, and now wonder what sort of games they could star in.....

RICHARD MADELY IN: ATTACK OF THE BEEF CUTLET: Although he’s not technically a daytime TV star anymore due to his show moving to an evening slot, our Rich has remained a firm favourite with the mid-morning TV lovers.
Richard Madely is the undisputed king of daytime TV; he became an instant hero with all pessimists and scaremongers after his ‘millennium cupboard’ debacle, he’s a hero to all students, a role model for the smarmy but well coiffed thirtysomethings, and has a worryingly high knowledge of women’s health problems.
Nothing exciting ever happens in Richards starch-shirted existence, but he was recently involved in a near-death experience with a piece of meat.
Whilst attending a swish dinner party with all of his shallow showbiz pals, our Rich found one particular piece of beef rather disagreeable, and proceeded to choke on the unswallowable offcut of meat.

Attack of the Beef Cutlet is a thrilling against the clock maze game with a twist. Whilst choking on the piece of beef, Richard fell unconscious, and is now stuck in a strange maze world in his mind!
It is up to the player to guide Richard out of the maze, however, if our careless eater doesn’t finish the maze in the allotted time, he will choke on the meat and lose a life.
Waiting at the maze exit is Richard’s sister, who is waiting to give him the Heimlich Manoeuvre and rid Richard’s windpipe of the menacing meat.
Will you be able to guide to choking Richard out of the maze in time?


LAURENCE LLEWELYN-BOWEN’S 3 BLIND LICE: ‘Larry’s got that itching feeling’.
As we all know, poor Laurence has an incurable nit problem, but he’s just had an ingenious idea to rid his flowing locks of lice.
After playing Pikmin on his son’s Gamecube, Laurence decided to put his pet ladybird into his hair in the hope that the clever bug will escort out the other bugs and make his head less itchy.
There is a problem however, due to all the hair dye he uses, all the nits in Laurence’s hair are blind, so the Ladybug must guide out the three blind lice in a Lemmings style game.
Because Laurence likes to flick and toss his hair around all the time, a special game engine has been incorporated into the game; dubbed ‘The Ever-Changing Engine’, the level structure constantly shifts as the long haired one shakes his hair, and so the pitfalls and locations change as you play.
Enemies trying to kill your ladybird include dandruff monsters and spiders.
An 18 rated version of the game is also coming out, titled ‘Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen’s 3 Blind Pubic Lice’, but I wont go into detail about that little one......

DAVID DICKINSON AND THE SEARCH FOR THE LOST 18TH CENTURY COALSCUTTLE: A long title it may be, but it’s also an epic adventure staring the San Tropez tanned ageing spiv.
Whilst attending an antique coalscuttle convention with his pal Hugh Scully, a robbery takes place and an extremely rare 18th Century coalscuttle is stolen. David pursues the thief, but in the chase and struggle with the suspect, he’s knocked out. Unbeknown to David, the coalscuttle has ancient messages inside it, and is the key to an archaic mystery. So after he wakes up, the epic quest to retrieve the coalscuttle begins, a quest that will take him around the world in his search in this thrilling 3rd person action game.
Also included in this game is a fun mini-game: David Dickinson, Kilroy and Bob Monkhouse are vying for the title of the most orange man on television.
You must select one of the three heroes, and watch as they lay under the ‘Tanmaster 3000’ sun bed. You must then bash the buttons as fast as you can to give your character a healthy orange glow.


DALE WINTON’S GREASY POLE: Dale Winton is without a doubt the man who made dashing around in supermarkets and men owning handbags popular, but this is his first foray into games.
Similar in style to Monkey Ball on the Gamecube, you control Dale, who’s trapped inside a giant pink and hairy ball. You must traverse thin platforms and many tricky maze like puzzles to successfully gain points.
Be careful though, as Julian Clary spilt his motor lubricant all over the maze floor, making it exceptionally greasy, so Dale must negotiate the tricky greasy puzzles, without slipping over the edge and into oblivion.
After successfully gaining enough points, bonus costumes or differently decorated balls become yours, there are even secret characters to unlock, including the Chuckle Brothers, Jeremy Spake, Elton John and gay icon Adam Prince of Eternia/ He-Man.


AINSLEY HARRIOT’S KITCHEN CHALLENGE: Join the googly eyed, big-tongued chef and part-time voodoo witchdoctor Ainsley Harriot as he rushes around his kitchen looking for ingredients.
Similar to Trap Door on the Spectrum, where you had to gather ingredients for the monster upstairs dinner, this time you are cooking a humungous dinner for Rik Waller, Jeremy Spake, Vanessa Feltz and Lisa Riley, so there are lots of things to get, including wild boar, elephant meat, massive cakes, etc.


METAL GEAR KILROY: A cheap add-on for Metal Gear Solid 2, this game simply replaces Solid Snake’s head and voice acting, and replaces it with that of TV talk show host Robert Kilroy-Silk.
A rip-off it may be, but I’d definitely pay £30 for the pleasure of controlling Kilroy’s bronze personage.


All games coming soon to a console near you......

Cheers RM18. I don't get too much time to use the PC as my dad needs to use it LOTS for work, and I constantly have brothers and sisters wanting to use it for school work / fun, so I don't chat as much as i'd like to.
I do still get time to write posts and reviews though, and read lots of the other good stuff on here.

Rightly said RM!

That's a GAD worthy post.

I particularly like the part about Dale Winton...great stuff!

:D

Humourous stuff, although I'm getting little concerned about how frequently Dale Winton seems to crop up in your posts....

Another great post Totoro, maybe another GAD?

You always seem to post great topics but never chat, why?

My MSN address is [email protected], add me if you like...

:D

Seeing as many people have recently found to their cost whilst having time off to watch the World Cup, daytime TV is for the most part utter tripe (apart from Bargain Hunt and the repeats of Magnum P.I.)
Despite the low quality of some of these programs, I do feel that there’s great potential for some of the ‘celebrities’ of the genre to be successful in the games industry, so I have trawled through the schedules and have identified the cream of daytime TV talent, and now wonder what sort of games they could star in.....

RICHARD MADELY IN: ATTACK OF THE BEEF CUTLET: Although he’s not technically a daytime TV star anymore due to his show moving to an evening slot, our Rich has remained a firm favourite with the mid-morning TV lovers.
Richard Madely is the undisputed king of daytime TV; he became an instant hero with all pessimists and scaremongers after his ‘millennium cupboard’ debacle, he’s a hero to all students, a role model for the smarmy but well coiffed thirtysomethings, and has a worryingly high knowledge of women’s health problems.
Nothing exciting ever happens in Richards starch-shirted existence, but he was recently involved in a near-death experience with a piece of meat.
Whilst attending a swish dinner party with all of his shallow showbiz pals, our Rich found one particular piece of beef rather disagreeable, and proceeded to choke on the unswallowable offcut of meat.

Attack of the Beef Cutlet is a thrilling against the clock maze game with a twist. Whilst choking on the piece of beef, Richard fell unconscious, and is now stuck in a strange maze world in his mind!
It is up to the player to guide Richard out of the maze, however, if our careless eater doesn’t finish the maze in the allotted time, he will choke on the meat and lose a life.
Waiting at the maze exit is Richard’s sister, who is waiting to give him the Heimlich Manoeuvre and rid Richard’s windpipe of the menacing meat.
Will you be able to guide to choking Richard out of the maze in time?


LAURENCE LLEWELYN-BOWEN’S 3 BLIND LICE: ‘Larry’s got that itching feeling’.
As we all know, poor Laurence has an incurable nit problem, but he’s just had an ingenious idea to rid his flowing locks of lice.
After playing Pikmin on his son’s Gamecube, Laurence decided to put his pet ladybird into his hair in the hope that the clever bug will escort out the other bugs and make his head less itchy.
There is a problem however, due to all the hair dye he uses, all the nits in Laurence’s hair are blind, so the Ladybug must guide out the three blind lice in a Lemmings style game.
Because Laurence likes to flick and toss his hair around all the time, a special game engine has been incorporated into the game; dubbed ‘The Ever-Changing Engine’, the level structure constantly shifts as the long haired one shakes his hair, and so the pitfalls and locations change as you play.
Enemies trying to kill your ladybird include dandruff monsters and spiders.
An 18 rated version of the game is also coming out, titled ‘Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen’s 3 Blind Pubic Lice’, but I wont go into detail about that little one......

DAVID DICKINSON AND THE SEARCH FOR THE LOST 18TH CENTURY COALSCUTTLE: A long title it may be, but it’s also an epic adventure staring the San Tropez tanned ageing spiv.
Whilst attending an antique coalscuttle convention with his pal Hugh Scully, a robbery takes place and an extremely rare 18th Century coalscuttle is stolen. David pursues the thief, but in the chase and struggle with the suspect, he’s knocked out. Unbeknown to David, the coalscuttle has ancient messages inside it, and is the key to an archaic mystery. So after he wakes up, the epic quest to retrieve the coalscuttle begins, a quest that will take him around the world in his search in this thrilling 3rd person action game.
Also included in this game is a fun mini-game: David Dickinson, Kilroy and Bob Monkhouse are vying for the title of the most orange man on television.
You must select one of the three heroes, and watch as they lay under the ‘Tanmaster 3000’ sun bed. You must then bash the buttons as fast as you can to give your character a healthy orange glow.


DALE WINTON’S GREASY POLE: Dale Winton is without a doubt the man who made dashing around in supermarkets and men owning handbags popular, but this is his first foray into games.
Similar in style to Monkey Ball on the Gamecube, you control Dale, who’s trapped inside a giant pink and hairy ball. You must traverse thin platforms and many tricky maze like puzzles to successfully gain points.
Be careful though, as Julian Clary spilt his motor lubricant all over the maze floor, making it exceptionally greasy, so Dale must negotiate the tricky greasy puzzles, without slipping over the edge and into oblivion.
After successfully gaining enough points, bonus costumes or differently decorated balls become yours, there are even secret characters to unlock, including the Chuckle Brothers, Jeremy Spake, Elton John and gay icon Adam Prince of Eternia/ He-Man.


AINSLEY HARRIOT’S KITCHEN CHALLENGE: Join the googly eyed, big-tongued chef and part-time voodoo witchdoctor Ainsley Harriot as he rushes around his kitchen looking for ingredients.
Similar to Trap Door on the Spectrum, where you had to gather ingredients for the monster upstairs dinner, this time you are cooking a humungous dinner for Rik Waller, Jeremy Spake, Vanessa Feltz and Lisa Riley, so there are lots of things to get, including wild boar, elephant meat, massive cakes, etc.


METAL GEAR KILROY: A cheap add-on for Metal Gear Solid 2, this game simply replaces Solid Snake’s head and voice acting, and replaces it with that of TV talk show host Robert Kilroy-Silk.
A rip-off it may be, but I’d definitely pay £30 for the pleasure of controlling Kilroy’s bronze personage.


All games coming soon to a console near you......