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The music industry was celebrating today as it emerged that the RIAA successfully had shut down the Audiogalaxy website that they blamed for the collapse in CD sales. The head of the RIAA, Professor Lars Ulrich, convened a press conference to defend the RIAA's actions to the thousands of disgruntled Audiogalaxy fans, in which he revealed the disturbing nature of audiogalaxy use that had been uncovered in tests.
In the tests, which used a sophisticated punishment and reward system on pop idol contestants, audiogalaxy was found to be more addictive than heroin. Two hundred of the thousand pop idol hopefuls had limbs amputated as a punishment after repeatedly downloading songs from audiogalaxy and yet still persisted in using the free internet service. One such hopeful, Darius, 27, from Essex, resorted to smashing his head randomly on the keyboard in a desperate attempt to download anything at all, after having all of his limbs and appendages removed. Tragically his addiction could only be cured after scientists amputated his brain, leaving him quadraspazzed on a life-glug. Even then he managed to get as far as installing audiogalaxy on the life support machine, before a copyright protection mechanism unleashed water voles into his bloodstream, killing him before his download of Metallica's "Unforgiven" could be completed.
Top scientists, including TV's Chris Morris, have sensationally branded audiogalaxy "more dangerous than frontzy, cake, shunt coppers and other made-up drugs", leaving governments world-wide with little choice but to ban the service before it's usage gets out of hand. Indeed many audiogalaxy "users" have begun to experience severe cold turkey symptoms in their withdrawal from the now-defunct audiogalaxy. One doctor cried out to be allowed to prescribe his patients the audiogalaxy substitute KaZaA, but was harshly rebuked by his peers for pandering to his patients' cravings.
However, all is not quite as rosy as the RIAA might believe. A new form of copying CD's that bypasses all conventional anti-copying devices has been discovered by toddlers in Kensington. The sophisticated method arose after Joe Cholmondley, aged 6, made an accurate copy of the latest S-club juniors record using play-doh and molten iron. The toddler made an impression of the cd in his play-doh, the atoms of which had shrunk after it became contaminated with slimfast. The slimmer atoms thus allowed an accurate replica of the microscopic pits and troughs that make up the surface of a cd to be made. The resourceful toddler then filled his mould with iron he had melted in a saucepan and left it to set. When he returned hours later, he discovered to his delight that he had made a fully working copy of the cd.
Within hours of the discovery posts appeared on internet chatforums, and cd-copying plants in China began to use the technique to mass-produce the new Celine Dion album, which is believed to have the toughest anti-copying measures known to man. Only weeks earlier Dion had commented:
"The CD is uncopiable. If you move it within 10ft of a computer electromagnetic signals cause the release a Sarin nerve gas from the CD's centre which will kill you instantly."
The CD's potent copyright protection formula resulted in the death of 400 HMV employees after they foolishly attempted to stick magnetic anti-theft strips to the CD's. However, the RIAA was quick to point out that anyone buying a Celine Dion record deserved "at least a slow drawn out death".
The issue of copyright is particularly thorny and there are many grey areas, but even with an organisation as dedicated as the RIAA, you can be sure that people will still find ways around their ever more sophisticated attempts to make music unshareable. Reports on the AP wire service suggest that in the coming weeks Voodoo priests will attempt to raise a zombie Audiogalaxy, so the RIAA's battle would seem only to be beginning. Just remember kids uncle Lars could come a-knockin' at any minute.
In the tests, which used a sophisticated punishment and reward system on pop idol contestants, audiogalaxy was found to be more addictive than heroin. Two hundred of the thousand pop idol hopefuls had limbs amputated as a punishment after repeatedly downloading songs from audiogalaxy and yet still persisted in using the free internet service. One such hopeful, Darius, 27, from Essex, resorted to smashing his head randomly on the keyboard in a desperate attempt to download anything at all, after having all of his limbs and appendages removed. Tragically his addiction could only be cured after scientists amputated his brain, leaving him quadraspazzed on a life-glug. Even then he managed to get as far as installing audiogalaxy on the life support machine, before a copyright protection mechanism unleashed water voles into his bloodstream, killing him before his download of Metallica's "Unforgiven" could be completed.
Top scientists, including TV's Chris Morris, have sensationally branded audiogalaxy "more dangerous than frontzy, cake, shunt coppers and other made-up drugs", leaving governments world-wide with little choice but to ban the service before it's usage gets out of hand. Indeed many audiogalaxy "users" have begun to experience severe cold turkey symptoms in their withdrawal from the now-defunct audiogalaxy. One doctor cried out to be allowed to prescribe his patients the audiogalaxy substitute KaZaA, but was harshly rebuked by his peers for pandering to his patients' cravings.
However, all is not quite as rosy as the RIAA might believe. A new form of copying CD's that bypasses all conventional anti-copying devices has been discovered by toddlers in Kensington. The sophisticated method arose after Joe Cholmondley, aged 6, made an accurate copy of the latest S-club juniors record using play-doh and molten iron. The toddler made an impression of the cd in his play-doh, the atoms of which had shrunk after it became contaminated with slimfast. The slimmer atoms thus allowed an accurate replica of the microscopic pits and troughs that make up the surface of a cd to be made. The resourceful toddler then filled his mould with iron he had melted in a saucepan and left it to set. When he returned hours later, he discovered to his delight that he had made a fully working copy of the cd.
Within hours of the discovery posts appeared on internet chatforums, and cd-copying plants in China began to use the technique to mass-produce the new Celine Dion album, which is believed to have the toughest anti-copying measures known to man. Only weeks earlier Dion had commented:
"The CD is uncopiable. If you move it within 10ft of a computer electromagnetic signals cause the release a Sarin nerve gas from the CD's centre which will kill you instantly."
The CD's potent copyright protection formula resulted in the death of 400 HMV employees after they foolishly attempted to stick magnetic anti-theft strips to the CD's. However, the RIAA was quick to point out that anyone buying a Celine Dion record deserved "at least a slow drawn out death".
The issue of copyright is particularly thorny and there are many grey areas, but even with an organisation as dedicated as the RIAA, you can be sure that people will still find ways around their ever more sophisticated attempts to make music unshareable. Reports on the AP wire service suggest that in the coming weeks Voodoo priests will attempt to raise a zombie Audiogalaxy, so the RIAA's battle would seem only to be beginning. Just remember kids uncle Lars could come a-knockin' at any minute.
I mentioned Chris Morris of Brasseye in the next line, not wanting to steal his thunder :-)
Heh that was great. :0)
"quadraspazzed on a life-glug"
Where have I heard that before?
"quadraspazzed on a life-glug"
Where have I heard that before?
Keep all the posts in this one :p
Nice one you Rodney
The music industry was celebrating today as it emerged that the RIAA successfully had shut down the Audiogalaxy website that they blamed for the collapse in CD sales. The head of the RIAA, Professor Lars Ulrich, convened a press conference to defend the RIAA's actions to the thousands of disgruntled Audiogalaxy fans, in which he revealed the disturbing nature of audiogalaxy use that had been uncovered in tests.
In the tests, which used a sophisticated punishment and reward system on pop idol contestants, audiogalaxy was found to be more addictive than heroin. Two hundred of the thousand pop idol hopefuls had limbs amputated as a punishment after repeatedly downloading songs from audiogalaxy and yet still persisted in using the free internet service. One such hopeful, Darius, 27, from Essex, resorted to smashing his head randomly on the keyboard in a desperate attempt to download anything at all, after having all of his limbs and appendages removed. Tragically his addiction could only be cured after scientists amputated his brain, leaving him quadraspazzed on a life-glug. Even then he managed to get as far as installing audiogalaxy on the life support machine, before a copyright protection mechanism unleashed water voles into his bloodstream, killing him before his download of Metallica's "Unforgiven" could be completed.
Top scientists, including TV's Chris Morris, have sensationally branded audiogalaxy "more dangerous than frontzy, cake, shunt coppers and other made-up drugs", leaving governments world-wide with little choice but to ban the service before it's usage gets out of hand. Indeed many audiogalaxy "users" have begun to experience severe cold turkey symptoms in their withdrawal from the now-defunct audiogalaxy. One doctor cried out to be allowed to prescribe his patients the audiogalaxy substitute KaZaA, but was harshly rebuked by his peers for pandering to his patients' cravings.
However, all is not quite as rosy as the RIAA might believe. A new form of copying CD's that bypasses all conventional anti-copying devices has been discovered by toddlers in Kensington. The sophisticated method arose after Joe Cholmondley, aged 6, made an accurate copy of the latest S-club juniors record using play-doh and molten iron. The toddler made an impression of the cd in his play-doh, the atoms of which had shrunk after it became contaminated with slimfast. The slimmer atoms thus allowed an accurate replica of the microscopic pits and troughs that make up the surface of a cd to be made. The resourceful toddler then filled his mould with iron he had melted in a saucepan and left it to set. When he returned hours later, he discovered to his delight that he had made a fully working copy of the cd.
Within hours of the discovery posts appeared on internet chatforums, and cd-copying plants in China began to use the technique to mass-produce the new Celine Dion album, which is believed to have the toughest anti-copying measures known to man. Only weeks earlier Dion had commented:
"The CD is uncopiable. If you move it within 10ft of a computer electromagnetic signals cause the release a Sarin nerve gas from the CD's centre which will kill you instantly."
The CD's potent copyright protection formula resulted in the death of 400 HMV employees after they foolishly attempted to stick magnetic anti-theft strips to the CD's. However, the RIAA was quick to point out that anyone buying a Celine Dion record deserved "at least a slow drawn out death".
The issue of copyright is particularly thorny and there are many grey areas, but even with an organisation as dedicated as the RIAA, you can be sure that people will still find ways around their ever more sophisticated attempts to make music unshareable. Reports on the AP wire service suggest that in the coming weeks Voodoo priests will attempt to raise a zombie Audiogalaxy, so the RIAA's battle would seem only to be beginning. Just remember kids uncle Lars could come a-knockin' at any minute.
In the tests, which used a sophisticated punishment and reward system on pop idol contestants, audiogalaxy was found to be more addictive than heroin. Two hundred of the thousand pop idol hopefuls had limbs amputated as a punishment after repeatedly downloading songs from audiogalaxy and yet still persisted in using the free internet service. One such hopeful, Darius, 27, from Essex, resorted to smashing his head randomly on the keyboard in a desperate attempt to download anything at all, after having all of his limbs and appendages removed. Tragically his addiction could only be cured after scientists amputated his brain, leaving him quadraspazzed on a life-glug. Even then he managed to get as far as installing audiogalaxy on the life support machine, before a copyright protection mechanism unleashed water voles into his bloodstream, killing him before his download of Metallica's "Unforgiven" could be completed.
Top scientists, including TV's Chris Morris, have sensationally branded audiogalaxy "more dangerous than frontzy, cake, shunt coppers and other made-up drugs", leaving governments world-wide with little choice but to ban the service before it's usage gets out of hand. Indeed many audiogalaxy "users" have begun to experience severe cold turkey symptoms in their withdrawal from the now-defunct audiogalaxy. One doctor cried out to be allowed to prescribe his patients the audiogalaxy substitute KaZaA, but was harshly rebuked by his peers for pandering to his patients' cravings.
However, all is not quite as rosy as the RIAA might believe. A new form of copying CD's that bypasses all conventional anti-copying devices has been discovered by toddlers in Kensington. The sophisticated method arose after Joe Cholmondley, aged 6, made an accurate copy of the latest S-club juniors record using play-doh and molten iron. The toddler made an impression of the cd in his play-doh, the atoms of which had shrunk after it became contaminated with slimfast. The slimmer atoms thus allowed an accurate replica of the microscopic pits and troughs that make up the surface of a cd to be made. The resourceful toddler then filled his mould with iron he had melted in a saucepan and left it to set. When he returned hours later, he discovered to his delight that he had made a fully working copy of the cd.
Within hours of the discovery posts appeared on internet chatforums, and cd-copying plants in China began to use the technique to mass-produce the new Celine Dion album, which is believed to have the toughest anti-copying measures known to man. Only weeks earlier Dion had commented:
"The CD is uncopiable. If you move it within 10ft of a computer electromagnetic signals cause the release a Sarin nerve gas from the CD's centre which will kill you instantly."
The CD's potent copyright protection formula resulted in the death of 400 HMV employees after they foolishly attempted to stick magnetic anti-theft strips to the CD's. However, the RIAA was quick to point out that anyone buying a Celine Dion record deserved "at least a slow drawn out death".
The issue of copyright is particularly thorny and there are many grey areas, but even with an organisation as dedicated as the RIAA, you can be sure that people will still find ways around their ever more sophisticated attempts to make music unshareable. Reports on the AP wire service suggest that in the coming weeks Voodoo priests will attempt to raise a zombie Audiogalaxy, so the RIAA's battle would seem only to be beginning. Just remember kids uncle Lars could come a-knockin' at any minute.