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Following the canonisation of the Catholic Church's latest Saint, Padre Pio, Bill Gates has sensationally declared his own desire to be canonised. As absurd as Gates' wish may seem he is in fact closer to the honour than many might think, as he is already known as the Venerable Bill Gates in Church circles. This title represents the first step towards Sainthood and was awarded to Gates after he beat a crack Vatican team in a marathon 10 hour game of Halo. The Vatican team made up of the Pope and two Cardinals were so impressed by Gates' mastery that they declared the Holy Spirit must have been present in him during the melée. The Venerable Gates was understandably delighted at his prospects and now only needs to provide two miracles before he can officially become a Saint.
However, all is not quite so rosy among Gates' rivals, most notably Apple Chairman Steve Jobs who wryly observed "Microsoft probably want him made a Canon so they can fire him". Jobs may well find himself in a minority though, after a Microsoft survey revealed that a staggering 99.9% of Microsoft employees would like to see Gates made a Saint, with the only abstainer being a rather embarrassed Steve Jobs who was at a loss to explain why his name should appear on the Microsoft pay roll.
Gates is no stranger to the Catholic faith, having made numerous attempts to tap into what is widely regarded as the lucrative Catholic console market, as industry analyst Eric Hall explains:
"The whole Christian rock phenomenon blew this market wide open. We saw that truly atrocious bands with almost no musical ability were able to notch up incredible sales simply by tapping into the Catholic theme. Gates used this to come up with some pretty subtle pro-Catholic features, I mean have you ever heard him call it an X-box? Exactly, that's because it's a cross box, the holiest console known to man. Gates has got the market well and truly sewn up."
Of course Gates was helped no end by the Pope's slamming indictment of Nintendo's Gamecube console, which he branded "hellspawn! So small and yet with so much power, the work of the devil it must be! And a handle so that his acursed work may be transported with relative ease! Let them burn in the eternal fires of hell! Heretics!"
Such fiery rhetoric proved so alarming to Catholics that thousands of Gamecubes were burned in St.Peter's square to Nintendo of America's evident discomfort, especially as a million dollar advert for the console featuring Marilyn Manson was only hours from broadcast.
Meanwhile Gates is busily preparing evidence of miracles he has performed. Needing just two to satsify the criteria for Canonisation Gates could well be on to a winner, as millions of Windows XP users have already branded the product a miracle after it didn't crash once. Gates also claims to be able to levitate and, most impressively, he is able to pat one hand up and down on his head while rubbing his tummy in a circular motion with the other, "If that's not a miracle then I don't know what is!" he was heard to exclaim.
Cynics have suggested that Gates only wants to be made a Saint so that the next version of Windows can include a venerate Bill Gates feature, where users experiencing problems with Windows can pray to Gates for help electronically, simply by clicking on Gates' smiling face in the taskbar. Equally Gates is eager to wear a halo on his head, as he believes the accessory will lend his words a "saintly gravitas". However, the most likely reason for Gates' desires is, in this reporter's opinion, the tax breaks that Sainthood brings. Due to the devolved nature of the secular and spiritual bodies, the US Federal government is unable to tax Saints, Popes or wombats, and Microsoft lawyers believe that the exemption also stretches to cover the companies of Saints as well. The curious loophole in tax law allowed Pavorotti to excape tax fines totalling millions of dollars after he successfully persuaded Supreme Court judges, with a cunning use of mirrors, that he was a wombat.
Whether sooner or later, the Venerable Gates looks set to become the first living Saint in the Catholic Church's history.
However, all is not quite so rosy among Gates' rivals, most notably Apple Chairman Steve Jobs who wryly observed "Microsoft probably want him made a Canon so they can fire him". Jobs may well find himself in a minority though, after a Microsoft survey revealed that a staggering 99.9% of Microsoft employees would like to see Gates made a Saint, with the only abstainer being a rather embarrassed Steve Jobs who was at a loss to explain why his name should appear on the Microsoft pay roll.
Gates is no stranger to the Catholic faith, having made numerous attempts to tap into what is widely regarded as the lucrative Catholic console market, as industry analyst Eric Hall explains:
"The whole Christian rock phenomenon blew this market wide open. We saw that truly atrocious bands with almost no musical ability were able to notch up incredible sales simply by tapping into the Catholic theme. Gates used this to come up with some pretty subtle pro-Catholic features, I mean have you ever heard him call it an X-box? Exactly, that's because it's a cross box, the holiest console known to man. Gates has got the market well and truly sewn up."
Of course Gates was helped no end by the Pope's slamming indictment of Nintendo's Gamecube console, which he branded "hellspawn! So small and yet with so much power, the work of the devil it must be! And a handle so that his acursed work may be transported with relative ease! Let them burn in the eternal fires of hell! Heretics!"
Such fiery rhetoric proved so alarming to Catholics that thousands of Gamecubes were burned in St.Peter's square to Nintendo of America's evident discomfort, especially as a million dollar advert for the console featuring Marilyn Manson was only hours from broadcast.
Meanwhile Gates is busily preparing evidence of miracles he has performed. Needing just two to satsify the criteria for Canonisation Gates could well be on to a winner, as millions of Windows XP users have already branded the product a miracle after it didn't crash once. Gates also claims to be able to levitate and, most impressively, he is able to pat one hand up and down on his head while rubbing his tummy in a circular motion with the other, "If that's not a miracle then I don't know what is!" he was heard to exclaim.
Cynics have suggested that Gates only wants to be made a Saint so that the next version of Windows can include a venerate Bill Gates feature, where users experiencing problems with Windows can pray to Gates for help electronically, simply by clicking on Gates' smiling face in the taskbar. Equally Gates is eager to wear a halo on his head, as he believes the accessory will lend his words a "saintly gravitas". However, the most likely reason for Gates' desires is, in this reporter's opinion, the tax breaks that Sainthood brings. Due to the devolved nature of the secular and spiritual bodies, the US Federal government is unable to tax Saints, Popes or wombats, and Microsoft lawyers believe that the exemption also stretches to cover the companies of Saints as well. The curious loophole in tax law allowed Pavorotti to excape tax fines totalling millions of dollars after he successfully persuaded Supreme Court judges, with a cunning use of mirrors, that he was a wombat.
Whether sooner or later, the Venerable Gates looks set to become the first living Saint in the Catholic Church's history.
Following the canonisation of the Catholic Church's latest Saint, Padre Pio, Bill Gates has sensationally declared his own desire to be canonised. As absurd as Gates' wish may seem he is in fact closer to the honour than many might think, as he is already known as the Venerable Bill Gates in Church circles. This title represents the first step towards Sainthood and was awarded to Gates after he beat a crack Vatican team in a marathon 10 hour game of Halo. The Vatican team made up of the Pope and two Cardinals were so impressed by Gates' mastery that they declared the Holy Spirit must have been present in him during the melée. The Venerable Gates was understandably delighted at his prospects and now only needs to provide two miracles before he can officially become a Saint.
However, all is not quite so rosy among Gates' rivals, most notably Apple Chairman Steve Jobs who wryly observed "Microsoft probably want him made a Canon so they can fire him". Jobs may well find himself in a minority though, after a Microsoft survey revealed that a staggering 99.9% of Microsoft employees would like to see Gates made a Saint, with the only abstainer being a rather embarrassed Steve Jobs who was at a loss to explain why his name should appear on the Microsoft pay roll.
Gates is no stranger to the Catholic faith, having made numerous attempts to tap into what is widely regarded as the lucrative Catholic console market, as industry analyst Eric Hall explains:
"The whole Christian rock phenomenon blew this market wide open. We saw that truly atrocious bands with almost no musical ability were able to notch up incredible sales simply by tapping into the Catholic theme. Gates used this to come up with some pretty subtle pro-Catholic features, I mean have you ever heard him call it an X-box? Exactly, that's because it's a cross box, the holiest console known to man. Gates has got the market well and truly sewn up."
Of course Gates was helped no end by the Pope's slamming indictment of Nintendo's Gamecube console, which he branded "hellspawn! So small and yet with so much power, the work of the devil it must be! And a handle so that his acursed work may be transported with relative ease! Let them burn in the eternal fires of hell! Heretics!"
Such fiery rhetoric proved so alarming to Catholics that thousands of Gamecubes were burned in St.Peter's square to Nintendo of America's evident discomfort, especially as a million dollar advert for the console featuring Marilyn Manson was only hours from broadcast.
Meanwhile Gates is busily preparing evidence of miracles he has performed. Needing just two to satsify the criteria for Canonisation Gates could well be on to a winner, as millions of Windows XP users have already branded the product a miracle after it didn't crash once. Gates also claims to be able to levitate and, most impressively, he is able to pat one hand up and down on his head while rubbing his tummy in a circular motion with the other, "If that's not a miracle then I don't know what is!" he was heard to exclaim.
Cynics have suggested that Gates only wants to be made a Saint so that the next version of Windows can include a venerate Bill Gates feature, where users experiencing problems with Windows can pray to Gates for help electronically, simply by clicking on Gates' smiling face in the taskbar. Equally Gates is eager to wear a halo on his head, as he believes the accessory will lend his words a "saintly gravitas". However, the most likely reason for Gates' desires is, in this reporter's opinion, the tax breaks that Sainthood brings. Due to the devolved nature of the secular and spiritual bodies, the US Federal government is unable to tax Saints, Popes or wombats, and Microsoft lawyers believe that the exemption also stretches to cover the companies of Saints as well. The curious loophole in tax law allowed Pavorotti to excape tax fines totalling millions of dollars after he successfully persuaded Supreme Court judges, with a cunning use of mirrors, that he was a wombat.
Whether sooner or later, the Venerable Gates looks set to become the first living Saint in the Catholic Church's history.
However, all is not quite so rosy among Gates' rivals, most notably Apple Chairman Steve Jobs who wryly observed "Microsoft probably want him made a Canon so they can fire him". Jobs may well find himself in a minority though, after a Microsoft survey revealed that a staggering 99.9% of Microsoft employees would like to see Gates made a Saint, with the only abstainer being a rather embarrassed Steve Jobs who was at a loss to explain why his name should appear on the Microsoft pay roll.
Gates is no stranger to the Catholic faith, having made numerous attempts to tap into what is widely regarded as the lucrative Catholic console market, as industry analyst Eric Hall explains:
"The whole Christian rock phenomenon blew this market wide open. We saw that truly atrocious bands with almost no musical ability were able to notch up incredible sales simply by tapping into the Catholic theme. Gates used this to come up with some pretty subtle pro-Catholic features, I mean have you ever heard him call it an X-box? Exactly, that's because it's a cross box, the holiest console known to man. Gates has got the market well and truly sewn up."
Of course Gates was helped no end by the Pope's slamming indictment of Nintendo's Gamecube console, which he branded "hellspawn! So small and yet with so much power, the work of the devil it must be! And a handle so that his acursed work may be transported with relative ease! Let them burn in the eternal fires of hell! Heretics!"
Such fiery rhetoric proved so alarming to Catholics that thousands of Gamecubes were burned in St.Peter's square to Nintendo of America's evident discomfort, especially as a million dollar advert for the console featuring Marilyn Manson was only hours from broadcast.
Meanwhile Gates is busily preparing evidence of miracles he has performed. Needing just two to satsify the criteria for Canonisation Gates could well be on to a winner, as millions of Windows XP users have already branded the product a miracle after it didn't crash once. Gates also claims to be able to levitate and, most impressively, he is able to pat one hand up and down on his head while rubbing his tummy in a circular motion with the other, "If that's not a miracle then I don't know what is!" he was heard to exclaim.
Cynics have suggested that Gates only wants to be made a Saint so that the next version of Windows can include a venerate Bill Gates feature, where users experiencing problems with Windows can pray to Gates for help electronically, simply by clicking on Gates' smiling face in the taskbar. Equally Gates is eager to wear a halo on his head, as he believes the accessory will lend his words a "saintly gravitas". However, the most likely reason for Gates' desires is, in this reporter's opinion, the tax breaks that Sainthood brings. Due to the devolved nature of the secular and spiritual bodies, the US Federal government is unable to tax Saints, Popes or wombats, and Microsoft lawyers believe that the exemption also stretches to cover the companies of Saints as well. The curious loophole in tax law allowed Pavorotti to excape tax fines totalling millions of dollars after he successfully persuaded Supreme Court judges, with a cunning use of mirrors, that he was a wombat.
Whether sooner or later, the Venerable Gates looks set to become the first living Saint in the Catholic Church's history.
LOL!
Excellent stuff!
Excellent stuff!
St. Bill... Ho ho ho.
Even funnier then the 'Bill Gates to bomb Big Brother house' post - great stuff
Tanfastic.