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I love games. You love games. We all love games. In particular, I love decent games. Original titles, or innovative titles. All come up trumps in my book. But there is nothing more infuriating or annoying than a game which claims to be revolutionary, but is yet another clone tagged onto the endless list of gaming mediocrities. These crap games all follow specific rules, from an invisible, imaginary yet ever-present textbook. A textbook of gaming.
So here is MY textbook of gaming. What to do, what not to do, but most importantly - the true gaming cliches which every developer follows, and few developers go beyond. Here they are...
#1 - AI. Artificial Intelligence, when compared to a human being, is ludicrously simple. Stupider than an amoeba. So why, oh why, do all games claim to have life-like AI, groundbreaking AI, revolutionary AI or - dare I say it - definitive AI. In my opinion, definitive AI does not mean characters which grab their legs if shot of go 'Huh?' if they hear your footsteps. That is just a basic set of commands they respond to. A bit like a dog, although a dog does have a mind of its own.
#2 - Lackeys. I used to be a major fan of platform games. Everything from the original Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Mario - heck, I even owned all the Commander Keen and Duke Nukem games. Man, those were the days. But in almost every game, there has to be a lackey. Whether it be a fairy who is more knowledgable than Einstein, or an annoying brat like Daxter - any platformer which doesn't involve some kind of sidekick is seriously breaking the rules.
#3 - Right handed. Sure, about 1 in 10 people are left handed, but I sure as hell know that of the hundreds of FPS available, only one game broke the right-handed rule. Every hero has to hold their gun in the right hand, and have it protruding from the bottom right corner of the screen. If it doesn't, then surely its breaking the rules...
#4 - Fodder. If a game doesn't have fodder, then it is definitely different. All games have fodder, no matter what - stupid, pre-defined enemies which die and either reward you with 'orbs' or 'hearts'. Then about a minute later, they regenerate only to walk into your repeatedly punching hero and die again.
#5 - Heroes. Very few games break the 'white male hero' mould. The first mass market heroine was of course, Lara Croft, and I remember seeing something in a newspaper ages and ages ago, when I was a wee nipper (well, actually about nine). Very few games managed to make mainstream press, and Tomb Raider was one of them. But anyway, very few non-RPGs offer you a female character, and even fewer than that deviate from them being white. I can only think of one game which offered a black female character, Urban Chaos. I'm not being racist, but it is just the way the world goes round.
#6 - Life. You never die after one hit. It would take the fun out of a game. Sure, 'tactics' say otherwise, but in my opinion that's a cheap way to make you take longer going through the game. No, you have to have a life guage. And as always, this guage is either measured in hearts or is a meter with a heart at the end.
#7 - Collectables. There's nothing cheaper than offering 100 collectables per level which can sometimes be placed in the most ludicrous positions. It makes the lifespan longer, and aside from that serves no purpose. Granted, having collected them all there is a sense of satisfaction, but things like MGS2's dog tags are really just a cheap way to make it last longer.
#8 - Alternative Endings. Linking in with the previous entry, if a gamer is offered alternative endings - and this is known by the gamer, there is far more insentive to return to play again. Granted, the ending could be as shoddy as the 'secret' ending on Jak and Daxter, but if a gamer plays for longer then there's more chance of a sequel purchase later on.
#9 - Cheat Codes. If a game doesn't offer cheat codes, there is nothing to sway the casual gamer into playing. Every game needs cheat codes. A good idea is to name them after what they're unlocking, like 'GODMODE' or 'ALLWEAPONS'. That way, if somebody stumbles across them they'll feel like they've achieved something, when in actual fact they've just fallen for exactly what you want them to fall for.
#10 - Rocket Launcher. If you want to make a shooting game, you have to have a rocket launcher stashed away somewhere, along with 'special' death animations to accompany it. Ridiculously gruelling challenges could be the requirement – that would lengthen lifespan – and the ability to replay the entire game with the rocket launcher a must.
#11 - Unlockables. A bit like the rocket launcher, game have to have some kind of unlockable items – most conveniently for completing the game on ‘impossible’ mode. This encourages repeat play and no matter how crap the reward is, people will always feel good about unlocking the ‘circle’ track or the ‘texture-less’ level.
#12 - 'Secret Missions'. These also come under the category of unlockables, but should be the reward for having particular speed in another part of the game. A ridiculously tight time limit – like the 13 hour one for FF9, can result in a secret mission which is often a level repeated with an extra objective or two. Cut out the hard work, pop in a secret mission and watch the magazines comment on the huge number of unlockable ‘extras’
#13 – Attire. Strange clothing is on the menu these days. Anything from character-sized swords (a la FF7), massive shoulder guards and multi-coloured shirts to unsuitable yet traditional RPG ‘metal thongs’, clothing in games is unpredictable, strange and most of all, total fantasy. If you want to fit in the mould do the following: For shooters, clothe normally, for everything else choose masterca... I mean, dress them strangely.
#14 - Lifelike? Are games really as real as we think. I mean, in all honesty, do developers set out with a purpose to make life as mundane and dull as possible. Well, not in my lifetime. Even the Sims has an element of fantasy in it, from the home cage-dancing to robots and more. Every ‘life sim’ has an element of fantasy injected into it.
#15 – Villains. All villains are evil, all villains have a weak spot, but the most tried and tested gaming cliche is that ALL VILLIANS HAVE COOL HAIRCUTS. What’s more, in battles they’ll follow a pre determined path and they’ll always steal away the character’s mistress. Be warned though – they’re always evil, they’ve never been defeated and its always up to your lowly peasant family-less hero to save the day with his mystical heritage and skills. Pretty average stuff then.
You might be led to think that you’re playing something original, but take it from me – nothing is entirely original, and every single game has got one of those previous things injected into it. From the mundane circular-style life of the GTA3 inhabitants, to the bikini-and-short-shorts-in-raging-blizzard gaming a la Lara Croft. All games are fantasy after all, and it will take a true genius to break free from all the tried and tested gaming traits of this next-generation of video games.
So here is MY textbook of gaming. What to do, what not to do, but most importantly - the true gaming cliches which every developer follows, and few developers go beyond. Here they are...
#1 - AI. Artificial Intelligence, when compared to a human being, is ludicrously simple. Stupider than an amoeba. So why, oh why, do all games claim to have life-like AI, groundbreaking AI, revolutionary AI or - dare I say it - definitive AI. In my opinion, definitive AI does not mean characters which grab their legs if shot of go 'Huh?' if they hear your footsteps. That is just a basic set of commands they respond to. A bit like a dog, although a dog does have a mind of its own.
#2 - Lackeys. I used to be a major fan of platform games. Everything from the original Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Mario - heck, I even owned all the Commander Keen and Duke Nukem games. Man, those were the days. But in almost every game, there has to be a lackey. Whether it be a fairy who is more knowledgable than Einstein, or an annoying brat like Daxter - any platformer which doesn't involve some kind of sidekick is seriously breaking the rules.
#3 - Right handed. Sure, about 1 in 10 people are left handed, but I sure as hell know that of the hundreds of FPS available, only one game broke the right-handed rule. Every hero has to hold their gun in the right hand, and have it protruding from the bottom right corner of the screen. If it doesn't, then surely its breaking the rules...
#4 - Fodder. If a game doesn't have fodder, then it is definitely different. All games have fodder, no matter what - stupid, pre-defined enemies which die and either reward you with 'orbs' or 'hearts'. Then about a minute later, they regenerate only to walk into your repeatedly punching hero and die again.
#5 - Heroes. Very few games break the 'white male hero' mould. The first mass market heroine was of course, Lara Croft, and I remember seeing something in a newspaper ages and ages ago, when I was a wee nipper (well, actually about nine). Very few games managed to make mainstream press, and Tomb Raider was one of them. But anyway, very few non-RPGs offer you a female character, and even fewer than that deviate from them being white. I can only think of one game which offered a black female character, Urban Chaos. I'm not being racist, but it is just the way the world goes round.
#6 - Life. You never die after one hit. It would take the fun out of a game. Sure, 'tactics' say otherwise, but in my opinion that's a cheap way to make you take longer going through the game. No, you have to have a life guage. And as always, this guage is either measured in hearts or is a meter with a heart at the end.
#7 - Collectables. There's nothing cheaper than offering 100 collectables per level which can sometimes be placed in the most ludicrous positions. It makes the lifespan longer, and aside from that serves no purpose. Granted, having collected them all there is a sense of satisfaction, but things like MGS2's dog tags are really just a cheap way to make it last longer.
#8 - Alternative Endings. Linking in with the previous entry, if a gamer is offered alternative endings - and this is known by the gamer, there is far more insentive to return to play again. Granted, the ending could be as shoddy as the 'secret' ending on Jak and Daxter, but if a gamer plays for longer then there's more chance of a sequel purchase later on.
#9 - Cheat Codes. If a game doesn't offer cheat codes, there is nothing to sway the casual gamer into playing. Every game needs cheat codes. A good idea is to name them after what they're unlocking, like 'GODMODE' or 'ALLWEAPONS'. That way, if somebody stumbles across them they'll feel like they've achieved something, when in actual fact they've just fallen for exactly what you want them to fall for.
#10 - Rocket Launcher. If you want to make a shooting game, you have to have a rocket launcher stashed away somewhere, along with 'special' death animations to accompany it. Ridiculously gruelling challenges could be the requirement – that would lengthen lifespan – and the ability to replay the entire game with the rocket launcher a must.
#11 - Unlockables. A bit like the rocket launcher, game have to have some kind of unlockable items – most conveniently for completing the game on ‘impossible’ mode. This encourages repeat play and no matter how crap the reward is, people will always feel good about unlocking the ‘circle’ track or the ‘texture-less’ level.
#12 - 'Secret Missions'. These also come under the category of unlockables, but should be the reward for having particular speed in another part of the game. A ridiculously tight time limit – like the 13 hour one for FF9, can result in a secret mission which is often a level repeated with an extra objective or two. Cut out the hard work, pop in a secret mission and watch the magazines comment on the huge number of unlockable ‘extras’
#13 – Attire. Strange clothing is on the menu these days. Anything from character-sized swords (a la FF7), massive shoulder guards and multi-coloured shirts to unsuitable yet traditional RPG ‘metal thongs’, clothing in games is unpredictable, strange and most of all, total fantasy. If you want to fit in the mould do the following: For shooters, clothe normally, for everything else choose masterca... I mean, dress them strangely.
#14 - Lifelike? Are games really as real as we think. I mean, in all honesty, do developers set out with a purpose to make life as mundane and dull as possible. Well, not in my lifetime. Even the Sims has an element of fantasy in it, from the home cage-dancing to robots and more. Every ‘life sim’ has an element of fantasy injected into it.
#15 – Villains. All villains are evil, all villains have a weak spot, but the most tried and tested gaming cliche is that ALL VILLIANS HAVE COOL HAIRCUTS. What’s more, in battles they’ll follow a pre determined path and they’ll always steal away the character’s mistress. Be warned though – they’re always evil, they’ve never been defeated and its always up to your lowly peasant family-less hero to save the day with his mystical heritage and skills. Pretty average stuff then.
You might be led to think that you’re playing something original, but take it from me – nothing is entirely original, and every single game has got one of those previous things injected into it. From the mundane circular-style life of the GTA3 inhabitants, to the bikini-and-short-shorts-in-raging-blizzard gaming a la Lara Croft. All games are fantasy after all, and it will take a true genius to break free from all the tried and tested gaming traits of this next-generation of video games.
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I love games. You love games. We all love games. In particular, I love decent games. Original titles, or innovative titles. All come up trumps in my book. But there is nothing more infuriating or annoying than a game which claims to be revolutionary, but is yet another clone tagged onto the endless list of gaming mediocrities. These crap games all follow specific rules, from an invisible, imaginary yet ever-present textbook. A textbook of gaming.
So here is MY textbook of gaming. What to do, what not to do, but most importantly - the true gaming cliches which every developer follows, and few developers go beyond. Here they are...
#1 - AI. Artificial Intelligence, when compared to a human being, is ludicrously simple. Stupider than an amoeba. So why, oh why, do all games claim to have life-like AI, groundbreaking AI, revolutionary AI or - dare I say it - definitive AI. In my opinion, definitive AI does not mean characters which grab their legs if shot of go 'Huh?' if they hear your footsteps. That is just a basic set of commands they respond to. A bit like a dog, although a dog does have a mind of its own.
#2 - Lackeys. I used to be a major fan of platform games. Everything from the original Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Mario - heck, I even owned all the Commander Keen and Duke Nukem games. Man, those were the days. But in almost every game, there has to be a lackey. Whether it be a fairy who is more knowledgable than Einstein, or an annoying brat like Daxter - any platformer which doesn't involve some kind of sidekick is seriously breaking the rules.
#3 - Right handed. Sure, about 1 in 10 people are left handed, but I sure as hell know that of the hundreds of FPS available, only one game broke the right-handed rule. Every hero has to hold their gun in the right hand, and have it protruding from the bottom right corner of the screen. If it doesn't, then surely its breaking the rules...
#4 - Fodder. If a game doesn't have fodder, then it is definitely different. All games have fodder, no matter what - stupid, pre-defined enemies which die and either reward you with 'orbs' or 'hearts'. Then about a minute later, they regenerate only to walk into your repeatedly punching hero and die again.
#5 - Heroes. Very few games break the 'white male hero' mould. The first mass market heroine was of course, Lara Croft, and I remember seeing something in a newspaper ages and ages ago, when I was a wee nipper (well, actually about nine). Very few games managed to make mainstream press, and Tomb Raider was one of them. But anyway, very few non-RPGs offer you a female character, and even fewer than that deviate from them being white. I can only think of one game which offered a black female character, Urban Chaos. I'm not being racist, but it is just the way the world goes round.
#6 - Life. You never die after one hit. It would take the fun out of a game. Sure, 'tactics' say otherwise, but in my opinion that's a cheap way to make you take longer going through the game. No, you have to have a life guage. And as always, this guage is either measured in hearts or is a meter with a heart at the end.
#7 - Collectables. There's nothing cheaper than offering 100 collectables per level which can sometimes be placed in the most ludicrous positions. It makes the lifespan longer, and aside from that serves no purpose. Granted, having collected them all there is a sense of satisfaction, but things like MGS2's dog tags are really just a cheap way to make it last longer.
#8 - Alternative Endings. Linking in with the previous entry, if a gamer is offered alternative endings - and this is known by the gamer, there is far more insentive to return to play again. Granted, the ending could be as shoddy as the 'secret' ending on Jak and Daxter, but if a gamer plays for longer then there's more chance of a sequel purchase later on.
#9 - Cheat Codes. If a game doesn't offer cheat codes, there is nothing to sway the casual gamer into playing. Every game needs cheat codes. A good idea is to name them after what they're unlocking, like 'GODMODE' or 'ALLWEAPONS'. That way, if somebody stumbles across them they'll feel like they've achieved something, when in actual fact they've just fallen for exactly what you want them to fall for.
#10 - Rocket Launcher. If you want to make a shooting game, you have to have a rocket launcher stashed away somewhere, along with 'special' death animations to accompany it. Ridiculously gruelling challenges could be the requirement – that would lengthen lifespan – and the ability to replay the entire game with the rocket launcher a must.
#11 - Unlockables. A bit like the rocket launcher, game have to have some kind of unlockable items – most conveniently for completing the game on ‘impossible’ mode. This encourages repeat play and no matter how crap the reward is, people will always feel good about unlocking the ‘circle’ track or the ‘texture-less’ level.
#12 - 'Secret Missions'. These also come under the category of unlockables, but should be the reward for having particular speed in another part of the game. A ridiculously tight time limit – like the 13 hour one for FF9, can result in a secret mission which is often a level repeated with an extra objective or two. Cut out the hard work, pop in a secret mission and watch the magazines comment on the huge number of unlockable ‘extras’
#13 – Attire. Strange clothing is on the menu these days. Anything from character-sized swords (a la FF7), massive shoulder guards and multi-coloured shirts to unsuitable yet traditional RPG ‘metal thongs’, clothing in games is unpredictable, strange and most of all, total fantasy. If you want to fit in the mould do the following: For shooters, clothe normally, for everything else choose masterca... I mean, dress them strangely.
#14 - Lifelike? Are games really as real as we think. I mean, in all honesty, do developers set out with a purpose to make life as mundane and dull as possible. Well, not in my lifetime. Even the Sims has an element of fantasy in it, from the home cage-dancing to robots and more. Every ‘life sim’ has an element of fantasy injected into it.
#15 – Villains. All villains are evil, all villains have a weak spot, but the most tried and tested gaming cliche is that ALL VILLIANS HAVE COOL HAIRCUTS. What’s more, in battles they’ll follow a pre determined path and they’ll always steal away the character’s mistress. Be warned though – they’re always evil, they’ve never been defeated and its always up to your lowly peasant family-less hero to save the day with his mystical heritage and skills. Pretty average stuff then.
You might be led to think that you’re playing something original, but take it from me – nothing is entirely original, and every single game has got one of those previous things injected into it. From the mundane circular-style life of the GTA3 inhabitants, to the bikini-and-short-shorts-in-raging-blizzard gaming a la Lara Croft. All games are fantasy after all, and it will take a true genius to break free from all the tried and tested gaming traits of this next-generation of video games.
So here is MY textbook of gaming. What to do, what not to do, but most importantly - the true gaming cliches which every developer follows, and few developers go beyond. Here they are...
#1 - AI. Artificial Intelligence, when compared to a human being, is ludicrously simple. Stupider than an amoeba. So why, oh why, do all games claim to have life-like AI, groundbreaking AI, revolutionary AI or - dare I say it - definitive AI. In my opinion, definitive AI does not mean characters which grab their legs if shot of go 'Huh?' if they hear your footsteps. That is just a basic set of commands they respond to. A bit like a dog, although a dog does have a mind of its own.
#2 - Lackeys. I used to be a major fan of platform games. Everything from the original Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Mario - heck, I even owned all the Commander Keen and Duke Nukem games. Man, those were the days. But in almost every game, there has to be a lackey. Whether it be a fairy who is more knowledgable than Einstein, or an annoying brat like Daxter - any platformer which doesn't involve some kind of sidekick is seriously breaking the rules.
#3 - Right handed. Sure, about 1 in 10 people are left handed, but I sure as hell know that of the hundreds of FPS available, only one game broke the right-handed rule. Every hero has to hold their gun in the right hand, and have it protruding from the bottom right corner of the screen. If it doesn't, then surely its breaking the rules...
#4 - Fodder. If a game doesn't have fodder, then it is definitely different. All games have fodder, no matter what - stupid, pre-defined enemies which die and either reward you with 'orbs' or 'hearts'. Then about a minute later, they regenerate only to walk into your repeatedly punching hero and die again.
#5 - Heroes. Very few games break the 'white male hero' mould. The first mass market heroine was of course, Lara Croft, and I remember seeing something in a newspaper ages and ages ago, when I was a wee nipper (well, actually about nine). Very few games managed to make mainstream press, and Tomb Raider was one of them. But anyway, very few non-RPGs offer you a female character, and even fewer than that deviate from them being white. I can only think of one game which offered a black female character, Urban Chaos. I'm not being racist, but it is just the way the world goes round.
#6 - Life. You never die after one hit. It would take the fun out of a game. Sure, 'tactics' say otherwise, but in my opinion that's a cheap way to make you take longer going through the game. No, you have to have a life guage. And as always, this guage is either measured in hearts or is a meter with a heart at the end.
#7 - Collectables. There's nothing cheaper than offering 100 collectables per level which can sometimes be placed in the most ludicrous positions. It makes the lifespan longer, and aside from that serves no purpose. Granted, having collected them all there is a sense of satisfaction, but things like MGS2's dog tags are really just a cheap way to make it last longer.
#8 - Alternative Endings. Linking in with the previous entry, if a gamer is offered alternative endings - and this is known by the gamer, there is far more insentive to return to play again. Granted, the ending could be as shoddy as the 'secret' ending on Jak and Daxter, but if a gamer plays for longer then there's more chance of a sequel purchase later on.
#9 - Cheat Codes. If a game doesn't offer cheat codes, there is nothing to sway the casual gamer into playing. Every game needs cheat codes. A good idea is to name them after what they're unlocking, like 'GODMODE' or 'ALLWEAPONS'. That way, if somebody stumbles across them they'll feel like they've achieved something, when in actual fact they've just fallen for exactly what you want them to fall for.
#10 - Rocket Launcher. If you want to make a shooting game, you have to have a rocket launcher stashed away somewhere, along with 'special' death animations to accompany it. Ridiculously gruelling challenges could be the requirement – that would lengthen lifespan – and the ability to replay the entire game with the rocket launcher a must.
#11 - Unlockables. A bit like the rocket launcher, game have to have some kind of unlockable items – most conveniently for completing the game on ‘impossible’ mode. This encourages repeat play and no matter how crap the reward is, people will always feel good about unlocking the ‘circle’ track or the ‘texture-less’ level.
#12 - 'Secret Missions'. These also come under the category of unlockables, but should be the reward for having particular speed in another part of the game. A ridiculously tight time limit – like the 13 hour one for FF9, can result in a secret mission which is often a level repeated with an extra objective or two. Cut out the hard work, pop in a secret mission and watch the magazines comment on the huge number of unlockable ‘extras’
#13 – Attire. Strange clothing is on the menu these days. Anything from character-sized swords (a la FF7), massive shoulder guards and multi-coloured shirts to unsuitable yet traditional RPG ‘metal thongs’, clothing in games is unpredictable, strange and most of all, total fantasy. If you want to fit in the mould do the following: For shooters, clothe normally, for everything else choose masterca... I mean, dress them strangely.
#14 - Lifelike? Are games really as real as we think. I mean, in all honesty, do developers set out with a purpose to make life as mundane and dull as possible. Well, not in my lifetime. Even the Sims has an element of fantasy in it, from the home cage-dancing to robots and more. Every ‘life sim’ has an element of fantasy injected into it.
#15 – Villains. All villains are evil, all villains have a weak spot, but the most tried and tested gaming cliche is that ALL VILLIANS HAVE COOL HAIRCUTS. What’s more, in battles they’ll follow a pre determined path and they’ll always steal away the character’s mistress. Be warned though – they’re always evil, they’ve never been defeated and its always up to your lowly peasant family-less hero to save the day with his mystical heritage and skills. Pretty average stuff then.
You might be led to think that you’re playing something original, but take it from me – nothing is entirely original, and every single game has got one of those previous things injected into it. From the mundane circular-style life of the GTA3 inhabitants, to the bikini-and-short-shorts-in-raging-blizzard gaming a la Lara Croft. All games are fantasy after all, and it will take a true genius to break free from all the tried and tested gaming traits of this next-generation of video games.