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Star Wars Episode 7: A New Threat
An old frail man sits on a chair, with children gathered around him
Old Frail Man: .. So that’s how I saved the world from the Daft Tony and defeats the Empire!
Child 1: What did you do then Grandpa Skywalker? Please tell me!
Child 2: Yes Grandpa Skywalker! Please tell us!
Grandpa Skywalker: Well….. not much to be honest. No one seemed interested in me. Did loads of game voiceovers. LOADS! I did them for a whole series of Wing Commander, and even Soldier of Fortune 2!
Child 1: Woww.
Grandpa Skywalker: And that was back in the day where games were played with controllers! And they were 3d! Not 10d like the ones today!
Child 2: Wowww your old!
Grandpa Skywalker: Now now children off to bed!
Child 1: Show us your lightsabre! Please!
Grandpa Skywalker: Sorry young uns. It must be kept safe, only to emerge when trouble returns! Now off! Off! Off! More stories tomorrow!
The children run upstairs. Grandpa waddles over to the fire.
Grandpa: Off.
The fire goes out. Grandpa goes back to his chair and sits down. He sighs.
Grandpa: 100 years old! No respect from anyone but the little uns. Oh I miss my youth! I miss being Luke Skywalker! Not Grandpa Skywalker!
Scary doomed music starts playing, consisting of drum beats in regular patterns.
Grandpa: Those damn kids and their music!!
There is a thud. Grandpa turns round to see some feet at the bottom of the chimney.
Voice: Erg… stuck.
Grandpa: Darnammit! That chimney sweeps fallen down the chimney again! Is it you chimneysweeper?
Voice: Yes… help!
Grandpa: Ok!
Grandpa waddles over to the fireplace and pokes the chimneysweeper with his walking stick. A bottom hits the floor. He steps back, the chimneysweeper climbs out.
Grandpa: Wait a minute! My eye sight may be the worst thing since sliced bread but your not the chimney sweep!
Guy (he is dressed in bounty hunter clothing): I lied.
Guy pulls out two machine guns blasters and fires continuously at Luke Skywalker. He falls to the floor.
Guy: You’re terminated.
The guy walks over Luke, bends down, stands up again and then leaves through the door by jetpack.
In a bedroom, the three older kids that were listening to Grandpas stories sit down.
Kid 1: Force my foot!
Kid 3 farts.
Kid 3 (in a voice mimicking his grandpa): I sense a disturbance in the force!
All three kids: hahahah!
Kid 1: I’m glad we got that joke out the way….
Kid 3: Yeh…
Kid 2: Darth Tony… empire… the guys nuts. We live in a peaceful community, no war or anything. I dunno…
Blasting sounds can be heard from downstairs.
Kid 1: What the?
The three kids jump up and run downstairs.
Kid 1: MoJoJoJo!
MoJo: What Stryke?
Stryke: It’s Grandpa! I think he’s had a heart attack!
Kid 3: I didn’t know heart attacks were so deadly…
Stryke: Well they are Hercules… look at all those limbs. Heart attacks are when your heart randomly explodes and sends all your body parts everywhere…
Hercules: You sure?
Stryke: Yeh… I saw it in a film!
Hercules: True films always depict true life.
Stryke: Grandpa! Speak to me! Please!!
MoJo: Er.. I think the fact he has exploded into lots of bits could prevent him from speaking.
There is a knock on the door.
Stryke: Get that Hercules…
Hercules: Shouldn’t we phone 999 first?
Stryke: Hercules… just do it.
Hercules: Okay… (Frowns and walks over with his head down. He opens the door.)
Man at Door: It’s not safe! The dark side has returned! I must speak to Luke Skywalker immediately…
Hercules: Who the hell are you?
Man: I’m Stryke.
Hercules: MM.. that’s funny the guy in there is Stryke as well.
Stryke (man at door): I know I’m the Stryke of the future.
Hercules: Uh oh… this could get confusing. I’m going to call you Stryke 2.
Stryke 2 runs in, he sees Skywalker on the floor dead in pieces.
Stryke 2: Argg! Great! I knew I shouldn’t have stopped for that McDonalds!
Stryke: Wait a minute you are me in the future?
Stryke 2: Yes, I was sent back time to prevent this certain apocalypse from happening.
Stryke: What apocalypse?
Stryke 2: The return of the dark side.
Stryke: Please continue… please use flashbacks.
Stryke 2: Okay…
Flashback:
Stryke 2: In a galaxy far far away, there was a huge battle between some cuddly toys and some stormtroopers.
Stryke: Grandpa used to talk of them.
Stryke 2: Please don’t interrupt me…
Stryke: Sorry… you’re a bit rude aren’t you?
Hercules and MoJo whistle
Stryke 2: As I was saying… At the end of the battle, there was lots of dancing and fireworks as the world was saved from the empire and their leader the evil Daft Tony. He was an evil machine, saved by Luke Skywalker…
Stryke 2, Hercules, MoJo and Stryke 1 in unison: .. His son…
Stryke 2: I see you’ve heard this bit. Anyway… at the end of the battle, some random rings appeared from nowhere, and inside them what remained of the dark side was trapped. Each ring shared all the evil in the galaxy, when worn together they combined their evil, making the holder strong in the dark side. There were six rings and each ring was put in galaxies all over the place, with leaders, princesses, - people that could be trusted… several years later, some other evil guy known as Count Snuggly decided he wanted the dark side to return. A late apprentice of the empire, he had a lot left to learn. He taught himself for several years until his anger was mastered. Influenced by cartoons he travelled around the world collecting the rings one by one, with the help of bounty hunters. He had five until now…
Flashback ends
Hercules: Why do everyone always blame cartoons? Why?
Stryke: I bet we have the sixth ring don’t we?
Stryke 2: That is correct. Mr. Skywalker held one of them for safe keeping on his ring finger.
MoJo bends down and picks up Skywalkers dismembered hand.
MoJo: He ain’t got one anymore.
Stryke 2: I know… I feared this would happen. I was sent through time to stop one of his bounty hunters getting the last ring for him, but I just had to stop for that McDonalds… just had to. Darnit! I was mans saviour and now the world is doomed because of my hunger!
MoJo: Surely there is another way.
Stryke 2: Yes… but it means more hard work darnit.
MoJo: Hard?
Stryke 2: Think of it this way… stopping the bounty hunter was like winning a gameaday for a copied review after posting copied reviews for every day in a month. The way we have to do it is like writing a 4500 odd word spoof, an idiotic thing to do.
MoJo: Yeh surely people who write spoofs of that length have no lives!
Stryke 2: Anyway… upstairs. In the future I found some useful stuff in the attic. To the attic!
Then run upstairs, and upstairs again, and upstairs again, in fact they run up several flights of stairs till they reach the attic.
MoJo: I think my ears popped. Finally we are here.
A spaceship flies by the window followed by another and another.
MoJo: Blooming traffic.
Stryke 2: Okay, if I’m correct, underneath that floorboard will be some stuff.
Stryke 2 rips away a floorboard.
Stryke 2: Nope wrong one.. Maybe it’s this one… Ah here it is.
Stryke 2 pulls out a chest. He opens it wide, inside are dusty objects. Hercules walks over to one.
Hercules: Wow…. Are these what I think they are? The fabled lightsabres our granddad used to go on about?
Stryke 2: Yes. That is true.
Hercules grabs one of the lightsabres.
Hercules: Mm.. how do you turn these things on?
Stryke 2: Oh by the way before I forget I have to warn you Hercules…
Hercules: I think this thing is broken.
Hercules taps it on the table.
Stryke 2: Er… what was I meant to warn you mm.
Hercules taps it harder and turns it.
Stryke 2: Darnit, this time travel effects your brain! Oh yeh I’m suppose to tell you to take care whilst….
Hercules (looking down into the lightsabre whilst continually tapping the side): Yeh this ones bu..
Suddenly a long focused laser shoots out of the hole in the lightsabre and goes straight into Hercules left eye. Impaled with the lightsabre he falls to the floor.
Stryke 2: ..trying to turn your lightsabre on. Whoops…
MoJoJoJo collapses on to the floor on his knees.
MoJo: Hercules? Hercules?! HERCULES!!! Noooooo!
Stryke: Ah well, accidents happen.
Stryke (not the time travel one) pulls the lightsabre from Hercules eye.
Stryke: Such a weapon… I thought my granddad was senile yet I hold it in my hands. Is this a lightsabre that I see before me? The handle toward my hand come let me touch thee.
MoJo: Oh dear he’s gone Shakespearian again..
MoJo grabs a lightsabre from the box. He presses the button and a jet of light comes out.
MoJo: Coooool.
Stryke 2: Now listen here, time for your training.
MoJo: Stryke think fast!
MoJo throws a round object from the box into the air and hits it with his sabre. It is hurled towards Stryke. Stryke spins round and hits it back. There is a continuous rally.
Stryke 2: Please don’t fool around with it – that’s a thermal detonator!
Stryke hits it back. It whizzes through the air.
MoJo makes a moaning noise like tennis players do and knocks it back. It whizzes through the air creating waves behind it. It goes straight into Stryke and hits him in the head. The detonator falls to the floor. Stryke follows.
Stryke 2 runs up to him and feels his head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t die Stryke… it could have a strange effect on myself. I could disappear from existence.
MoJo: Is he ok?
Stryke 2: Yes… he’s just out cold.
MoJo: Oh good. Shall we go save the world now?
Stryke 2: Lets. You take my I mean Stryke I mean.. er.. his legs and I’ll take his I mean my er I mean er his head.
They grab him and carry him out.
MoJo: So where does this Count Snuggly hang out?
We see a massive scary looking spacestation. We zoom in, and see the words “Mir”. We suddenly move past it and zoom in on another planet. We go in and on it there is a gigantic skyscraper – completely black with dark windows. We zoom down to a much considerably smaller building of three stories with SR Towers written on it. Inside on the top floor we see a man with an asthma pump in his mouth. He wears a dark cloak hanging from his back. He holds a red lightsabre in one hand and on the other hand on each finger he has a ring (yes he has six fingers).
Count Snuggly: I always knew six fingers would come in handy. Mahahahha! Mahahah! Mahahah!
MoJo and Stryke 2 walk with Stryke 1 who has awoken from his daze. They are outside a pub and are beginning to walk towards it and the door
MoJo: So this Count Snuggly, now he has all six rings, how long till the darkside shows it’s face.
Stryke 2: At this very minute I have heard the sound of a million men of this planet crying out in agony as beer prices have risen.
They enter the pub. MoJo notices on the board the price of beer “£50 a pint”. MoJo drops his mouth.
MoJo: I need beer!
Stryke 2: Stryke, the mind is a fragile thing. You must learn to manipulate it.
Stryke nods. Stryke walks over to the pub counter. Suddenly the television suspended from the ceiling loses its grip on the ceiling and drops on his head. Stryke collapses to the floor.
Stryke 2: Oh darnit!
Stryke 2 runs over to him.
Stryke 2: He’s out cold again – not dead. Phew… MoJoJoJo get the drinks please.
MoJo walks over to the bar.
MoJo: Fifteen pints please.
Stryke 2: Fifteen? There’s only 3 of us..
MoJo: Yeh twelve for me.
Bartender: Er… 50 times 15... Er… £750 please.
MoJo: Don’t you mean £7.50?
Stryke 2: That’s the way!
MoJo makes a funny face and waves his hands and jumps around like he’s doing the robot dance.
Bartender: Er….
MoJo twists his neck looking left and right, then does an Egyptian dance.
Bartender: You’re weird.
Stryke 2: The force is strong in you young one.
MoJo headbutts the bartender. The bartender hits the floor and gets up.
Bartender: Ok!! £7.50!! Please don’t hurt me.
Stryke 2: You have learnt well my son.
MoJo: Son?
Stryke 2: No no! It’s just a figure of speech – nothing like that.
MoJo: I’d hope not. Me finding out I was your son would be worse than Gramps finding out Daft Tony was his father. I don’t know what I’d do knowing I was related to you. (MoJo Shudders)
Stryke: Huh? Where am I.
Stryke 2: Oh your awake again. Good good. (whispers to MoJo) Am I always this clumsy?
MoJo nods.
Stryke 2: Sigh… I was a geek when I was younger.
MoJo downs his thirteen pints. Stryke 2 sips his. Stryke 1 joins them and sips his.
Stryke: What happened to Hercules?
Stryke 2: He died remember.
Stryke: Oh yes.
MoJo: (Drunk) Now what? I feel like having a ruck with some dark side whadayacallem. Yeh you know what I mean. HEY what you looking at?!
(MoJo pulls out a gun and shoots an alien.) Yeh don’t mess with the best yer funboy.
Stryke: Funboy?
Stryke 2: Stupid Tyneside dialect. Ignore it.
MoJo: Oih Stryke what did you say about my mamma?!
Stryke: Huh?
MoJo headbutts Stryke. Stryke hits the floor.
Stryke 2: Could you please stop doing that, I don’t want to randomly disappear because my younger self got killed. Now MoJo listen we have a mission!
MoJo: Yer what? We has a mizzon? What on earths a mizzon. Oh yeh that mizzon. Kick that bot of that Count Snuggly yeh?
Stryke 2(to himself): Sigh, the mission is in jeopardy already.
MoJo: Comez on!
Landlady: Riight ged out! Ged outta my pub! Come on! Geddot! Yer barred!
MoJo: No I’s a Jedi Kite.
Stryke 2: Jedi Knight… Jedi Knight..
Landladies big strong son throws him out. Stryke 2 follows him out.
MoJo: Neza liked yer pub anyway! Yer beers not alcoholic enough…
Stryke 2: You stay out here on the pavement and sober up I need to get us a spaceship.
Stryke 2 re-enters the pub. Stryke 2 goes up to the bartender.
Stryke 2: Bartender any idea where I can get a ship?
Bartender: On yer left, first door can’t miss it.
Stryke 2: No a SHIP, S-H-I-P.
Bartender: Ohhhhh fairez enough. Thought you said..
Stryke 2: Please this is a family forum.
Bartender: Oh yer. You should check out that guy over there. He has the fastest ship in the galaxy or something. Windows Millenium Eagle I think it’s called.
Stryke 2: Thank you kind sir.
Stryke wakes up.
Stryke: Where am I huh?
Stryke 2: Come on you, we need to chat with this guy over here.
They walk over to a table where a wookie and a man with an Nintendo tattoo on his head.
Stryke 2: I heard you have a fast ship.
Man: Too right I do. Names Dringo and this is my crew Wookiemonster.
Wookiemonster growls friendly.
Stryke 2: Nice to meet you Dringo. We need to save the world from Count Snuggly. Can you help us find him?
Dringo: Have you any idea where he is?
Stryke 2: The force will guide us.
Dringo: The what?
Stryke 2: The force?
Dringo: Nope I still don’t get what you mean.
Stryke 2: Never mind. You drive I navigate.
Dringo: You got money?
Stryke 2: How much?
Dringo: Ten thousand…
Both Strykes: TEN THOUSAND?
Dringo: Yes! Ten thousand.
Stryke 2: I was hoping you’d work for peanuts.
Dringo: I do. Ten thousand peanuts. What did you think I was talking about?
Stryke 2: Pounds actually…
Wookiemonster laughs.
Stryke 2: Right be back in a second.
Stryke 2 runs to the bar and buys a lot of bags of peanuts and gives them to Dringo.
Dringo: Lets roll.
The crew are now on a spaceship. MoJo is drunk and is walking around the cabin bumping into stuff.
Stryke 2: Nice spaceship you got here.
Dringo: Yeh I know. It cost loads.
Stryke 2: Take a left here, into the one way system. I sense him. Count Snuggly is on the planet of the teddy bears.
Dringo: Not the teddy bears? They are in a world war at the moment. The traditional teddy bears discovered that all teddies were flammable and thought they could use it to their advantage to win land from the beanie babies. However, the funfair prize teddy bears didn’t like this so protected the beanie babies. Then it spiralled out of control…. Going in there would be murder.
Stryke 2: Nevertheless that’s where we must go.
Dringo: No we’re not.
Stryke 2 does a little dance in front of him.
Stryke 2: Yes we are.
Dringo: Fair enough. I’ll put it into hyperspace.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo have this glass of water to dilute that alcohol.
MoJo: No youz not pretty me pretty! Me go to Laalaa land.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo, I must teach you the ways of the force. You too Stryke. I must teach you everything I know.
Stryke: If I’m you how can you teach me everything you know? Because if you teach me everything you know, then technically you are teaching me everything I know, so therefore there is no point… ow my head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t try to understand time travel. Look what it did to Einstein’s head. Now draw your lightsabres.
MoJo and Stryke draw their lightsabres. MoJo trips over his feet and hits the floor.
MoJo: Me stay ere ya funboy. Me go see some lasses and yer know geddit on.
Stryke 2: Can you feel the force?
Stryke: Yes. I can feel it.
Stryke 2: Remember fear nothing. Focus. Let the force guide the lightsabre.
Stryke: I’m bored. Can’t we just watch the smellivision?
Stryke 2: Sigh patience is much needed. I can’t teach this boy. Er myself.
The ghost of Yoda appears.
Yoda: Teach him you must.Mm? Strong in the force both boys are mmm? Dangerously strong in the force are they.
Stryke 2: Yeh, I don’t get how I know you. Because I here in the present know you from the future, and in the future I know you from the past, from this present.
Yoda: Time travel confusing Stryke mm?
Stryke 2: You can say that again… it hurts my head just thinking about it.
Dringo: We’re above the planet now.
Stryke: Blooming heck that was quick.
Dringo: Told you it was fast. Okay we’re going in.
The spaceship goes through the atmosphere into the planet. They land in a desert. On one side are hundreds of newbies, and on the other there are lots and lots of regulars…
Brew: NEEEEEWWWWWWBIIIEEEEEE!
Dringo: Uhoh, wrong planet. We want the one next door.
Dringo flies back up and leaves the planet and enters the one next to it.
Dringo: Here we go the planet of the teddy bears.
They land in the middle of a war. A teddy bear is set alight with a flying ball of flame from a catapult. He begins to burn and runs towards a lake. He jumps in and out.
Teddy bear: Ahh much better.
He suddenly collapses to the floor.
Teddybear: Waterlogged! No!!
Stryke 2: MoJo, Stryke! Come on! There is Special Reserve towers over there next to that skyscraper.
Stryke: Why would you put two buildings bang next to each other on a planet inhabited with teddy bears?
Stryke 2: Don’t ask me… it does seem like it’s in the wrong place though I must say… Anyway don’t ask questions save the world.
They draw their lightsabres and bounce back lasers fired by the teddy bears. MoJo runs up to one, grabs it and bites it’s head off. He spits out teddy bear fluff then runs to the next one. He swings his lightsabre and takes the teddy bears head off.
MoJo: Comeon yer bears! I’ll take you all on!
Teddy bears of each side charge at MoJo whacking him with sticks. He sabres them all.
Stryke 2: No MoJoJoJo! You must complete your mission! Stryke 2 picks up a thermal detonator and lobs it at a crowd of them. They are propelled into the air on fire and hit the floor littering the ground with teddy bear fluff. They turn and run towards Stryke 2.
Stryke 2: Younger Stryke! MoJoJoJo! Get in the building! Kill Count Snuggly and destroy those rings!!
Stryke and MoJoJo run/waddle like a drunkard respectively to the building. Behind Stryke 2 is violently mauled by teddy bears. They enter through the revolving doors. In front they face Count Snuggly, with his cloak and red lightsabre. He sucks on his asthma pump.
Stryke: Count Snuggly!
MoJoJoJo pushes the swinging door. It swings round hitting Stryke in the head knocking him out cold.
MoJo: Ez I know you! Youz the one who giz those gameadays.
Count Snuggly sucks his asthma pump.
Count Snuggly: You are here for the rings I expect.
Count Snuggly flicks his hand with all the rings on each of the six fingers Ali G style.
Count Snuggly: Respec!
MoJo: Ez! I’m the cool dude who werz ringz. Not you. You is just a non-hip guy orz something.
Count Snuggly: You talk as if you were a newbie.
MoJo: Why iz you using asthma pump. Makes youz unscary does.
Count Snuggly draws his double ended lightsabre.
Count Snuggly: The dark side has returned and you cannot stop it!
MoJo: I is gonna try!
MoJo swings his lightsabre at Snuggly. It collides and locks on to Snuggly’s sabre. The two push one another. Snuggly pushes MoJo back and does a somersault backwards. MoJo hits the door.
MoJo: Ow. You was meant to go down.
Stryke stirs. MoJo jumps up and starts fighting Snuggly again. The sabre continually collides, making sound effects that sound like “er er ur er” (low budget on sound effects). MoJo pushes Snuggly to the floor.
Snuggly: Stryke has taught you well.
Stryke: I have?
Snuggly extends his arm and directs lightning at Stryke who falls back on to the floor. There he goes into a spasm. The lightning stops, Stryke twitches on the floor until he is knocked out cold again.
Snuggly then throws his lightsabre at MoJo. MoJo dives and the lightsabre narrowly misses as MoJo hits and slides along the floor to a halt. The lightsabre swings back to Snugglys hand. Snuggly than extends his ring hand and lifts it vertically up. MoJo then suddenly lifts off the ground.
MoJo: Huh?
Count Snuggly: Witness the powers of the dark side!!
Count Snuggly tosses MoJo’s body against the wall. He repeats this procedure until MoJo is badly bruised and bloody. Stryke begins to stir again. Count Snuggly walks over to MoJo and stands over him he kicks MoJo’s lightsabre out of his hand. He stands on his hand.
MoJo: Errgg..
Stryke: Where am I?
Count Snuggly takes his foot of MoJo’s hand and kicks MoJo in the head.
MoJo: Arrghhh! No!!
Count Snuggly: If you’d give into the dark side and take a place at my side, like I know you will never, I will let you live.
MoJo: Fair enough. I’ll join the dark side.
Count Snuggly: Really? Blooming heck I was pretty sure you’d say no. That’s brilliant anyhow. I thought we’d start by constructing a space station then destroying the world with a giant laser. I’ve already made some grunts to help us with our dirty work! No more need for using bounty hunters!
Down the stairs come four robots in armour. They hold laser guns and have the head of what looks like C3-P0 and for armour what looks like the body of R2D2.
Count Snuggly: I found some droids they were quite useful. I based all the designs on their bodies. Great stuff. I call them Monsoontroopers. This ones the prototype Loki.
Loki (in voice of C3-PO): Hello good sir. I am fluent in over fifty languages and as well as that I can kick butt pretty well.
Count Snuggly: Join me MoJo and we will rule the universe together side by side.
MoJo: Cooool. Sounds good.
MoJo picks up his lightsabre.
MoJo: Lets do it.
Suddenly Stryke jumps up. Count Snuggly with his arm around MoJo’s neck is starting to talk about world domination. They walk towards the stairs followed by the four monsoontroopers.
Stryke: Nooo!!!
Stryke strikes down the monsoontroopers. He then leaps into the air towards Count Snuggly who is walking in the opposite direction up the stairs followed by MoJo. Snuggly turns as he hears the shout of Stryke. He turns straight onto an incoming lightsabre that Stryke has thrown through the air... It goes straight through his stomach, out the other side, Snuggly slumps down on to the ground, the lightsabre flies over his head back into Stryke’s hand. The asthma pump falls out of his mouth. MoJo leans over Count Snuggly’s dead body. Snuggly struggles to breath.
Snuggly: MoJo, I would have done as I promised. I would have given you everything you wanted. Before I die MoJoJoJo let me tell you this?
MoJo: What?
Snuggly: I am your seventh cousin thrice removed!
MoJo: Mm.. so that would make you er.. my mums sisters… no mums, aunties, aunts.. er something something sister’s er cousin er their cousin… what ever. You’re related to me. They had you all wrong you know Snuggly! They said you were evil. Maybe you were… but at least you’re doing something with your life. And us family stick together!
Snuggly makes one last wheezing sound, his eyes begin to close.
MoJo: Noo!! (Weeping)
MoJo turns to Stryke. He headbutts him.
MoJo: Idiot. You cost me the world!
Stryke (slowly recovering): But I saved the world! It has been saved once and for all! Now we must do as myself from the future said. We must destroy the rings! We must finish the job and be heroes like Grandpa Luke!
MoJo: No way. These are nice rings. I’m wearing them. These are solid gold. You can do what you like.
Stryke: But surely thee who wears the rings joins the dark side!
MoJo puts the rings on each of his fingers.
MoJo: Mm... I’ve run out of fingers. Here you go Stryke treat yourself. He kicks Stryke in the crown jewels.
Some more monsoon troopers walk down the stairs by MoJo’s side.
Stryke: Ergg… you’ve become evil! Take the rings off! They are making you evil!
MoJo: Shut up! That’s not evil! This would be evil…
MoJo slashes Strykes crown jewels with a lightsabre.
MoJo: Now that’s evil.
Stryke falls to the floor in agony.
MoJo: And this is evil..
MoJo sets fire to Stryke’s hair.
MoJo: If I’d done what I’d just shown you, then that would be evil. Kicking you in the groin like this…
MoJo kicks Stryke in the groin.
MoJo: … is not evil. People do it all the time in fights and what have you. Now come on Monsoontroopers we must finish off what Count Snuggly started.
Stryke faints from agony. MoJo walks out of the building. He walks over to the Windows Millenium Eagle followed by around ten monsoon troopers. The door shortly afterwards closes. It then hovers vertically upwards into the air. About fifty feet in the air, the door opens. Suddenly Wookiemonster and Dringo can be seen flying through the air out of the door. Wookiemonster growls in fear as he falls through the air.
Dringo: Hopefully Stryke will return from the future yet again and stop this from ever happening. Here’s to the future!
They fall through the air hitting the ground and collapsing on their faces…A close up reveals they are dead. Stryke meanwhile lies on the floor. The sixth ring in his open palm begins to glow red and orange then purple, then pink, followed by black...
An old frail man sits on a chair, with children gathered around him
Old Frail Man: .. So that’s how I saved the world from the Daft Tony and defeats the Empire!
Child 1: What did you do then Grandpa Skywalker? Please tell me!
Child 2: Yes Grandpa Skywalker! Please tell us!
Grandpa Skywalker: Well….. not much to be honest. No one seemed interested in me. Did loads of game voiceovers. LOADS! I did them for a whole series of Wing Commander, and even Soldier of Fortune 2!
Child 1: Woww.
Grandpa Skywalker: And that was back in the day where games were played with controllers! And they were 3d! Not 10d like the ones today!
Child 2: Wowww your old!
Grandpa Skywalker: Now now children off to bed!
Child 1: Show us your lightsabre! Please!
Grandpa Skywalker: Sorry young uns. It must be kept safe, only to emerge when trouble returns! Now off! Off! Off! More stories tomorrow!
The children run upstairs. Grandpa waddles over to the fire.
Grandpa: Off.
The fire goes out. Grandpa goes back to his chair and sits down. He sighs.
Grandpa: 100 years old! No respect from anyone but the little uns. Oh I miss my youth! I miss being Luke Skywalker! Not Grandpa Skywalker!
Scary doomed music starts playing, consisting of drum beats in regular patterns.
Grandpa: Those damn kids and their music!!
There is a thud. Grandpa turns round to see some feet at the bottom of the chimney.
Voice: Erg… stuck.
Grandpa: Darnammit! That chimney sweeps fallen down the chimney again! Is it you chimneysweeper?
Voice: Yes… help!
Grandpa: Ok!
Grandpa waddles over to the fireplace and pokes the chimneysweeper with his walking stick. A bottom hits the floor. He steps back, the chimneysweeper climbs out.
Grandpa: Wait a minute! My eye sight may be the worst thing since sliced bread but your not the chimney sweep!
Guy (he is dressed in bounty hunter clothing): I lied.
Guy pulls out two machine guns blasters and fires continuously at Luke Skywalker. He falls to the floor.
Guy: You’re terminated.
The guy walks over Luke, bends down, stands up again and then leaves through the door by jetpack.
In a bedroom, the three older kids that were listening to Grandpas stories sit down.
Kid 1: Force my foot!
Kid 3 farts.
Kid 3 (in a voice mimicking his grandpa): I sense a disturbance in the force!
All three kids: hahahah!
Kid 1: I’m glad we got that joke out the way….
Kid 3: Yeh…
Kid 2: Darth Tony… empire… the guys nuts. We live in a peaceful community, no war or anything. I dunno…
Blasting sounds can be heard from downstairs.
Kid 1: What the?
The three kids jump up and run downstairs.
Kid 1: MoJoJoJo!
MoJo: What Stryke?
Stryke: It’s Grandpa! I think he’s had a heart attack!
Kid 3: I didn’t know heart attacks were so deadly…
Stryke: Well they are Hercules… look at all those limbs. Heart attacks are when your heart randomly explodes and sends all your body parts everywhere…
Hercules: You sure?
Stryke: Yeh… I saw it in a film!
Hercules: True films always depict true life.
Stryke: Grandpa! Speak to me! Please!!
MoJo: Er.. I think the fact he has exploded into lots of bits could prevent him from speaking.
There is a knock on the door.
Stryke: Get that Hercules…
Hercules: Shouldn’t we phone 999 first?
Stryke: Hercules… just do it.
Hercules: Okay… (Frowns and walks over with his head down. He opens the door.)
Man at Door: It’s not safe! The dark side has returned! I must speak to Luke Skywalker immediately…
Hercules: Who the hell are you?
Man: I’m Stryke.
Hercules: MM.. that’s funny the guy in there is Stryke as well.
Stryke (man at door): I know I’m the Stryke of the future.
Hercules: Uh oh… this could get confusing. I’m going to call you Stryke 2.
Stryke 2 runs in, he sees Skywalker on the floor dead in pieces.
Stryke 2: Argg! Great! I knew I shouldn’t have stopped for that McDonalds!
Stryke: Wait a minute you are me in the future?
Stryke 2: Yes, I was sent back time to prevent this certain apocalypse from happening.
Stryke: What apocalypse?
Stryke 2: The return of the dark side.
Stryke: Please continue… please use flashbacks.
Stryke 2: Okay…
Flashback:
Stryke 2: In a galaxy far far away, there was a huge battle between some cuddly toys and some stormtroopers.
Stryke: Grandpa used to talk of them.
Stryke 2: Please don’t interrupt me…
Stryke: Sorry… you’re a bit rude aren’t you?
Hercules and MoJo whistle
Stryke 2: As I was saying… At the end of the battle, there was lots of dancing and fireworks as the world was saved from the empire and their leader the evil Daft Tony. He was an evil machine, saved by Luke Skywalker…
Stryke 2, Hercules, MoJo and Stryke 1 in unison: .. His son…
Stryke 2: I see you’ve heard this bit. Anyway… at the end of the battle, some random rings appeared from nowhere, and inside them what remained of the dark side was trapped. Each ring shared all the evil in the galaxy, when worn together they combined their evil, making the holder strong in the dark side. There were six rings and each ring was put in galaxies all over the place, with leaders, princesses, - people that could be trusted… several years later, some other evil guy known as Count Snuggly decided he wanted the dark side to return. A late apprentice of the empire, he had a lot left to learn. He taught himself for several years until his anger was mastered. Influenced by cartoons he travelled around the world collecting the rings one by one, with the help of bounty hunters. He had five until now…
Flashback ends
Hercules: Why do everyone always blame cartoons? Why?
Stryke: I bet we have the sixth ring don’t we?
Stryke 2: That is correct. Mr. Skywalker held one of them for safe keeping on his ring finger.
MoJo bends down and picks up Skywalkers dismembered hand.
MoJo: He ain’t got one anymore.
Stryke 2: I know… I feared this would happen. I was sent through time to stop one of his bounty hunters getting the last ring for him, but I just had to stop for that McDonalds… just had to. Darnit! I was mans saviour and now the world is doomed because of my hunger!
MoJo: Surely there is another way.
Stryke 2: Yes… but it means more hard work darnit.
MoJo: Hard?
Stryke 2: Think of it this way… stopping the bounty hunter was like winning a gameaday for a copied review after posting copied reviews for every day in a month. The way we have to do it is like writing a 4500 odd word spoof, an idiotic thing to do.
MoJo: Yeh surely people who write spoofs of that length have no lives!
Stryke 2: Anyway… upstairs. In the future I found some useful stuff in the attic. To the attic!
Then run upstairs, and upstairs again, and upstairs again, in fact they run up several flights of stairs till they reach the attic.
MoJo: I think my ears popped. Finally we are here.
A spaceship flies by the window followed by another and another.
MoJo: Blooming traffic.
Stryke 2: Okay, if I’m correct, underneath that floorboard will be some stuff.
Stryke 2 rips away a floorboard.
Stryke 2: Nope wrong one.. Maybe it’s this one… Ah here it is.
Stryke 2 pulls out a chest. He opens it wide, inside are dusty objects. Hercules walks over to one.
Hercules: Wow…. Are these what I think they are? The fabled lightsabres our granddad used to go on about?
Stryke 2: Yes. That is true.
Hercules grabs one of the lightsabres.
Hercules: Mm.. how do you turn these things on?
Stryke 2: Oh by the way before I forget I have to warn you Hercules…
Hercules: I think this thing is broken.
Hercules taps it on the table.
Stryke 2: Er… what was I meant to warn you mm.
Hercules taps it harder and turns it.
Stryke 2: Darnit, this time travel effects your brain! Oh yeh I’m suppose to tell you to take care whilst….
Hercules (looking down into the lightsabre whilst continually tapping the side): Yeh this ones bu..
Suddenly a long focused laser shoots out of the hole in the lightsabre and goes straight into Hercules left eye. Impaled with the lightsabre he falls to the floor.
Stryke 2: ..trying to turn your lightsabre on. Whoops…
MoJoJoJo collapses on to the floor on his knees.
MoJo: Hercules? Hercules?! HERCULES!!! Noooooo!
Stryke: Ah well, accidents happen.
Stryke (not the time travel one) pulls the lightsabre from Hercules eye.
Stryke: Such a weapon… I thought my granddad was senile yet I hold it in my hands. Is this a lightsabre that I see before me? The handle toward my hand come let me touch thee.
MoJo: Oh dear he’s gone Shakespearian again..
MoJo grabs a lightsabre from the box. He presses the button and a jet of light comes out.
MoJo: Coooool.
Stryke 2: Now listen here, time for your training.
MoJo: Stryke think fast!
MoJo throws a round object from the box into the air and hits it with his sabre. It is hurled towards Stryke. Stryke spins round and hits it back. There is a continuous rally.
Stryke 2: Please don’t fool around with it – that’s a thermal detonator!
Stryke hits it back. It whizzes through the air.
MoJo makes a moaning noise like tennis players do and knocks it back. It whizzes through the air creating waves behind it. It goes straight into Stryke and hits him in the head. The detonator falls to the floor. Stryke follows.
Stryke 2 runs up to him and feels his head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t die Stryke… it could have a strange effect on myself. I could disappear from existence.
MoJo: Is he ok?
Stryke 2: Yes… he’s just out cold.
MoJo: Oh good. Shall we go save the world now?
Stryke 2: Lets. You take my I mean Stryke I mean.. er.. his legs and I’ll take his I mean my er I mean er his head.
They grab him and carry him out.
MoJo: So where does this Count Snuggly hang out?
We see a massive scary looking spacestation. We zoom in, and see the words “Mir”. We suddenly move past it and zoom in on another planet. We go in and on it there is a gigantic skyscraper – completely black with dark windows. We zoom down to a much considerably smaller building of three stories with SR Towers written on it. Inside on the top floor we see a man with an asthma pump in his mouth. He wears a dark cloak hanging from his back. He holds a red lightsabre in one hand and on the other hand on each finger he has a ring (yes he has six fingers).
Count Snuggly: I always knew six fingers would come in handy. Mahahahha! Mahahah! Mahahah!
MoJo and Stryke 2 walk with Stryke 1 who has awoken from his daze. They are outside a pub and are beginning to walk towards it and the door
MoJo: So this Count Snuggly, now he has all six rings, how long till the darkside shows it’s face.
Stryke 2: At this very minute I have heard the sound of a million men of this planet crying out in agony as beer prices have risen.
They enter the pub. MoJo notices on the board the price of beer “£50 a pint”. MoJo drops his mouth.
MoJo: I need beer!
Stryke 2: Stryke, the mind is a fragile thing. You must learn to manipulate it.
Stryke nods. Stryke walks over to the pub counter. Suddenly the television suspended from the ceiling loses its grip on the ceiling and drops on his head. Stryke collapses to the floor.
Stryke 2: Oh darnit!
Stryke 2 runs over to him.
Stryke 2: He’s out cold again – not dead. Phew… MoJoJoJo get the drinks please.
MoJo walks over to the bar.
MoJo: Fifteen pints please.
Stryke 2: Fifteen? There’s only 3 of us..
MoJo: Yeh twelve for me.
Bartender: Er… 50 times 15... Er… £750 please.
MoJo: Don’t you mean £7.50?
Stryke 2: That’s the way!
MoJo makes a funny face and waves his hands and jumps around like he’s doing the robot dance.
Bartender: Er….
MoJo twists his neck looking left and right, then does an Egyptian dance.
Bartender: You’re weird.
Stryke 2: The force is strong in you young one.
MoJo headbutts the bartender. The bartender hits the floor and gets up.
Bartender: Ok!! £7.50!! Please don’t hurt me.
Stryke 2: You have learnt well my son.
MoJo: Son?
Stryke 2: No no! It’s just a figure of speech – nothing like that.
MoJo: I’d hope not. Me finding out I was your son would be worse than Gramps finding out Daft Tony was his father. I don’t know what I’d do knowing I was related to you. (MoJo Shudders)
Stryke: Huh? Where am I.
Stryke 2: Oh your awake again. Good good. (whispers to MoJo) Am I always this clumsy?
MoJo nods.
Stryke 2: Sigh… I was a geek when I was younger.
MoJo downs his thirteen pints. Stryke 2 sips his. Stryke 1 joins them and sips his.
Stryke: What happened to Hercules?
Stryke 2: He died remember.
Stryke: Oh yes.
MoJo: (Drunk) Now what? I feel like having a ruck with some dark side whadayacallem. Yeh you know what I mean. HEY what you looking at?!
(MoJo pulls out a gun and shoots an alien.) Yeh don’t mess with the best yer funboy.
Stryke: Funboy?
Stryke 2: Stupid Tyneside dialect. Ignore it.
MoJo: Oih Stryke what did you say about my mamma?!
Stryke: Huh?
MoJo headbutts Stryke. Stryke hits the floor.
Stryke 2: Could you please stop doing that, I don’t want to randomly disappear because my younger self got killed. Now MoJo listen we have a mission!
MoJo: Yer what? We has a mizzon? What on earths a mizzon. Oh yeh that mizzon. Kick that bot of that Count Snuggly yeh?
Stryke 2(to himself): Sigh, the mission is in jeopardy already.
MoJo: Comez on!
Landlady: Riight ged out! Ged outta my pub! Come on! Geddot! Yer barred!
MoJo: No I’s a Jedi Kite.
Stryke 2: Jedi Knight… Jedi Knight..
Landladies big strong son throws him out. Stryke 2 follows him out.
MoJo: Neza liked yer pub anyway! Yer beers not alcoholic enough…
Stryke 2: You stay out here on the pavement and sober up I need to get us a spaceship.
Stryke 2 re-enters the pub. Stryke 2 goes up to the bartender.
Stryke 2: Bartender any idea where I can get a ship?
Bartender: On yer left, first door can’t miss it.
Stryke 2: No a SHIP, S-H-I-P.
Bartender: Ohhhhh fairez enough. Thought you said..
Stryke 2: Please this is a family forum.
Bartender: Oh yer. You should check out that guy over there. He has the fastest ship in the galaxy or something. Windows Millenium Eagle I think it’s called.
Stryke 2: Thank you kind sir.
Stryke wakes up.
Stryke: Where am I huh?
Stryke 2: Come on you, we need to chat with this guy over here.
They walk over to a table where a wookie and a man with an Nintendo tattoo on his head.
Stryke 2: I heard you have a fast ship.
Man: Too right I do. Names Dringo and this is my crew Wookiemonster.
Wookiemonster growls friendly.
Stryke 2: Nice to meet you Dringo. We need to save the world from Count Snuggly. Can you help us find him?
Dringo: Have you any idea where he is?
Stryke 2: The force will guide us.
Dringo: The what?
Stryke 2: The force?
Dringo: Nope I still don’t get what you mean.
Stryke 2: Never mind. You drive I navigate.
Dringo: You got money?
Stryke 2: How much?
Dringo: Ten thousand…
Both Strykes: TEN THOUSAND?
Dringo: Yes! Ten thousand.
Stryke 2: I was hoping you’d work for peanuts.
Dringo: I do. Ten thousand peanuts. What did you think I was talking about?
Stryke 2: Pounds actually…
Wookiemonster laughs.
Stryke 2: Right be back in a second.
Stryke 2 runs to the bar and buys a lot of bags of peanuts and gives them to Dringo.
Dringo: Lets roll.
The crew are now on a spaceship. MoJo is drunk and is walking around the cabin bumping into stuff.
Stryke 2: Nice spaceship you got here.
Dringo: Yeh I know. It cost loads.
Stryke 2: Take a left here, into the one way system. I sense him. Count Snuggly is on the planet of the teddy bears.
Dringo: Not the teddy bears? They are in a world war at the moment. The traditional teddy bears discovered that all teddies were flammable and thought they could use it to their advantage to win land from the beanie babies. However, the funfair prize teddy bears didn’t like this so protected the beanie babies. Then it spiralled out of control…. Going in there would be murder.
Stryke 2: Nevertheless that’s where we must go.
Dringo: No we’re not.
Stryke 2 does a little dance in front of him.
Stryke 2: Yes we are.
Dringo: Fair enough. I’ll put it into hyperspace.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo have this glass of water to dilute that alcohol.
MoJo: No youz not pretty me pretty! Me go to Laalaa land.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo, I must teach you the ways of the force. You too Stryke. I must teach you everything I know.
Stryke: If I’m you how can you teach me everything you know? Because if you teach me everything you know, then technically you are teaching me everything I know, so therefore there is no point… ow my head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t try to understand time travel. Look what it did to Einstein’s head. Now draw your lightsabres.
MoJo and Stryke draw their lightsabres. MoJo trips over his feet and hits the floor.
MoJo: Me stay ere ya funboy. Me go see some lasses and yer know geddit on.
Stryke 2: Can you feel the force?
Stryke: Yes. I can feel it.
Stryke 2: Remember fear nothing. Focus. Let the force guide the lightsabre.
Stryke: I’m bored. Can’t we just watch the smellivision?
Stryke 2: Sigh patience is much needed. I can’t teach this boy. Er myself.
The ghost of Yoda appears.
Yoda: Teach him you must.Mm? Strong in the force both boys are mmm? Dangerously strong in the force are they.
Stryke 2: Yeh, I don’t get how I know you. Because I here in the present know you from the future, and in the future I know you from the past, from this present.
Yoda: Time travel confusing Stryke mm?
Stryke 2: You can say that again… it hurts my head just thinking about it.
Dringo: We’re above the planet now.
Stryke: Blooming heck that was quick.
Dringo: Told you it was fast. Okay we’re going in.
The spaceship goes through the atmosphere into the planet. They land in a desert. On one side are hundreds of newbies, and on the other there are lots and lots of regulars…
Brew: NEEEEEWWWWWWBIIIEEEEEE!
Dringo: Uhoh, wrong planet. We want the one next door.
Dringo flies back up and leaves the planet and enters the one next to it.
Dringo: Here we go the planet of the teddy bears.
They land in the middle of a war. A teddy bear is set alight with a flying ball of flame from a catapult. He begins to burn and runs towards a lake. He jumps in and out.
Teddy bear: Ahh much better.
He suddenly collapses to the floor.
Teddybear: Waterlogged! No!!
Stryke 2: MoJo, Stryke! Come on! There is Special Reserve towers over there next to that skyscraper.
Stryke: Why would you put two buildings bang next to each other on a planet inhabited with teddy bears?
Stryke 2: Don’t ask me… it does seem like it’s in the wrong place though I must say… Anyway don’t ask questions save the world.
They draw their lightsabres and bounce back lasers fired by the teddy bears. MoJo runs up to one, grabs it and bites it’s head off. He spits out teddy bear fluff then runs to the next one. He swings his lightsabre and takes the teddy bears head off.
MoJo: Comeon yer bears! I’ll take you all on!
Teddy bears of each side charge at MoJo whacking him with sticks. He sabres them all.
Stryke 2: No MoJoJoJo! You must complete your mission! Stryke 2 picks up a thermal detonator and lobs it at a crowd of them. They are propelled into the air on fire and hit the floor littering the ground with teddy bear fluff. They turn and run towards Stryke 2.
Stryke 2: Younger Stryke! MoJoJoJo! Get in the building! Kill Count Snuggly and destroy those rings!!
Stryke and MoJoJo run/waddle like a drunkard respectively to the building. Behind Stryke 2 is violently mauled by teddy bears. They enter through the revolving doors. In front they face Count Snuggly, with his cloak and red lightsabre. He sucks on his asthma pump.
Stryke: Count Snuggly!
MoJoJoJo pushes the swinging door. It swings round hitting Stryke in the head knocking him out cold.
MoJo: Ez I know you! Youz the one who giz those gameadays.
Count Snuggly sucks his asthma pump.
Count Snuggly: You are here for the rings I expect.
Count Snuggly flicks his hand with all the rings on each of the six fingers Ali G style.
Count Snuggly: Respec!
MoJo: Ez! I’m the cool dude who werz ringz. Not you. You is just a non-hip guy orz something.
Count Snuggly: You talk as if you were a newbie.
MoJo: Why iz you using asthma pump. Makes youz unscary does.
Count Snuggly draws his double ended lightsabre.
Count Snuggly: The dark side has returned and you cannot stop it!
MoJo: I is gonna try!
MoJo swings his lightsabre at Snuggly. It collides and locks on to Snuggly’s sabre. The two push one another. Snuggly pushes MoJo back and does a somersault backwards. MoJo hits the door.
MoJo: Ow. You was meant to go down.
Stryke stirs. MoJo jumps up and starts fighting Snuggly again. The sabre continually collides, making sound effects that sound like “er er ur er” (low budget on sound effects). MoJo pushes Snuggly to the floor.
Snuggly: Stryke has taught you well.
Stryke: I have?
Snuggly extends his arm and directs lightning at Stryke who falls back on to the floor. There he goes into a spasm. The lightning stops, Stryke twitches on the floor until he is knocked out cold again.
Snuggly then throws his lightsabre at MoJo. MoJo dives and the lightsabre narrowly misses as MoJo hits and slides along the floor to a halt. The lightsabre swings back to Snugglys hand. Snuggly than extends his ring hand and lifts it vertically up. MoJo then suddenly lifts off the ground.
MoJo: Huh?
Count Snuggly: Witness the powers of the dark side!!
Count Snuggly tosses MoJo’s body against the wall. He repeats this procedure until MoJo is badly bruised and bloody. Stryke begins to stir again. Count Snuggly walks over to MoJo and stands over him he kicks MoJo’s lightsabre out of his hand. He stands on his hand.
MoJo: Errgg..
Stryke: Where am I?
Count Snuggly takes his foot of MoJo’s hand and kicks MoJo in the head.
MoJo: Arrghhh! No!!
Count Snuggly: If you’d give into the dark side and take a place at my side, like I know you will never, I will let you live.
MoJo: Fair enough. I’ll join the dark side.
Count Snuggly: Really? Blooming heck I was pretty sure you’d say no. That’s brilliant anyhow. I thought we’d start by constructing a space station then destroying the world with a giant laser. I’ve already made some grunts to help us with our dirty work! No more need for using bounty hunters!
Down the stairs come four robots in armour. They hold laser guns and have the head of what looks like C3-P0 and for armour what looks like the body of R2D2.
Count Snuggly: I found some droids they were quite useful. I based all the designs on their bodies. Great stuff. I call them Monsoontroopers. This ones the prototype Loki.
Loki (in voice of C3-PO): Hello good sir. I am fluent in over fifty languages and as well as that I can kick butt pretty well.
Count Snuggly: Join me MoJo and we will rule the universe together side by side.
MoJo: Cooool. Sounds good.
MoJo picks up his lightsabre.
MoJo: Lets do it.
Suddenly Stryke jumps up. Count Snuggly with his arm around MoJo’s neck is starting to talk about world domination. They walk towards the stairs followed by the four monsoontroopers.
Stryke: Nooo!!!
Stryke strikes down the monsoontroopers. He then leaps into the air towards Count Snuggly who is walking in the opposite direction up the stairs followed by MoJo. Snuggly turns as he hears the shout of Stryke. He turns straight onto an incoming lightsabre that Stryke has thrown through the air... It goes straight through his stomach, out the other side, Snuggly slumps down on to the ground, the lightsabre flies over his head back into Stryke’s hand. The asthma pump falls out of his mouth. MoJo leans over Count Snuggly’s dead body. Snuggly struggles to breath.
Snuggly: MoJo, I would have done as I promised. I would have given you everything you wanted. Before I die MoJoJoJo let me tell you this?
MoJo: What?
Snuggly: I am your seventh cousin thrice removed!
MoJo: Mm.. so that would make you er.. my mums sisters… no mums, aunties, aunts.. er something something sister’s er cousin er their cousin… what ever. You’re related to me. They had you all wrong you know Snuggly! They said you were evil. Maybe you were… but at least you’re doing something with your life. And us family stick together!
Snuggly makes one last wheezing sound, his eyes begin to close.
MoJo: Noo!! (Weeping)
MoJo turns to Stryke. He headbutts him.
MoJo: Idiot. You cost me the world!
Stryke (slowly recovering): But I saved the world! It has been saved once and for all! Now we must do as myself from the future said. We must destroy the rings! We must finish the job and be heroes like Grandpa Luke!
MoJo: No way. These are nice rings. I’m wearing them. These are solid gold. You can do what you like.
Stryke: But surely thee who wears the rings joins the dark side!
MoJo puts the rings on each of his fingers.
MoJo: Mm... I’ve run out of fingers. Here you go Stryke treat yourself. He kicks Stryke in the crown jewels.
Some more monsoon troopers walk down the stairs by MoJo’s side.
Stryke: Ergg… you’ve become evil! Take the rings off! They are making you evil!
MoJo: Shut up! That’s not evil! This would be evil…
MoJo slashes Strykes crown jewels with a lightsabre.
MoJo: Now that’s evil.
Stryke falls to the floor in agony.
MoJo: And this is evil..
MoJo sets fire to Stryke’s hair.
MoJo: If I’d done what I’d just shown you, then that would be evil. Kicking you in the groin like this…
MoJo kicks Stryke in the groin.
MoJo: … is not evil. People do it all the time in fights and what have you. Now come on Monsoontroopers we must finish off what Count Snuggly started.
Stryke faints from agony. MoJo walks out of the building. He walks over to the Windows Millenium Eagle followed by around ten monsoon troopers. The door shortly afterwards closes. It then hovers vertically upwards into the air. About fifty feet in the air, the door opens. Suddenly Wookiemonster and Dringo can be seen flying through the air out of the door. Wookiemonster growls in fear as he falls through the air.
Dringo: Hopefully Stryke will return from the future yet again and stop this from ever happening. Here’s to the future!
They fall through the air hitting the ground and collapsing on their faces…A close up reveals they are dead. Stryke meanwhile lies on the floor. The sixth ring in his open palm begins to glow red and orange then purple, then pink, followed by black...
Page:
Star Wars Episode 7: A New Threat
An old frail man sits on a chair, with children gathered around him
Old Frail Man: .. So that’s how I saved the world from the Daft Tony and defeats the Empire!
Child 1: What did you do then Grandpa Skywalker? Please tell me!
Child 2: Yes Grandpa Skywalker! Please tell us!
Grandpa Skywalker: Well….. not much to be honest. No one seemed interested in me. Did loads of game voiceovers. LOADS! I did them for a whole series of Wing Commander, and even Soldier of Fortune 2!
Child 1: Woww.
Grandpa Skywalker: And that was back in the day where games were played with controllers! And they were 3d! Not 10d like the ones today!
Child 2: Wowww your old!
Grandpa Skywalker: Now now children off to bed!
Child 1: Show us your lightsabre! Please!
Grandpa Skywalker: Sorry young uns. It must be kept safe, only to emerge when trouble returns! Now off! Off! Off! More stories tomorrow!
The children run upstairs. Grandpa waddles over to the fire.
Grandpa: Off.
The fire goes out. Grandpa goes back to his chair and sits down. He sighs.
Grandpa: 100 years old! No respect from anyone but the little uns. Oh I miss my youth! I miss being Luke Skywalker! Not Grandpa Skywalker!
Scary doomed music starts playing, consisting of drum beats in regular patterns.
Grandpa: Those damn kids and their music!!
There is a thud. Grandpa turns round to see some feet at the bottom of the chimney.
Voice: Erg… stuck.
Grandpa: Darnammit! That chimney sweeps fallen down the chimney again! Is it you chimneysweeper?
Voice: Yes… help!
Grandpa: Ok!
Grandpa waddles over to the fireplace and pokes the chimneysweeper with his walking stick. A bottom hits the floor. He steps back, the chimneysweeper climbs out.
Grandpa: Wait a minute! My eye sight may be the worst thing since sliced bread but your not the chimney sweep!
Guy (he is dressed in bounty hunter clothing): I lied.
Guy pulls out two machine guns blasters and fires continuously at Luke Skywalker. He falls to the floor.
Guy: You’re terminated.
The guy walks over Luke, bends down, stands up again and then leaves through the door by jetpack.
In a bedroom, the three older kids that were listening to Grandpas stories sit down.
Kid 1: Force my foot!
Kid 3 farts.
Kid 3 (in a voice mimicking his grandpa): I sense a disturbance in the force!
All three kids: hahahah!
Kid 1: I’m glad we got that joke out the way….
Kid 3: Yeh…
Kid 2: Darth Tony… empire… the guys nuts. We live in a peaceful community, no war or anything. I dunno…
Blasting sounds can be heard from downstairs.
Kid 1: What the?
The three kids jump up and run downstairs.
Kid 1: MoJoJoJo!
MoJo: What Stryke?
Stryke: It’s Grandpa! I think he’s had a heart attack!
Kid 3: I didn’t know heart attacks were so deadly…
Stryke: Well they are Hercules… look at all those limbs. Heart attacks are when your heart randomly explodes and sends all your body parts everywhere…
Hercules: You sure?
Stryke: Yeh… I saw it in a film!
Hercules: True films always depict true life.
Stryke: Grandpa! Speak to me! Please!!
MoJo: Er.. I think the fact he has exploded into lots of bits could prevent him from speaking.
There is a knock on the door.
Stryke: Get that Hercules…
Hercules: Shouldn’t we phone 999 first?
Stryke: Hercules… just do it.
Hercules: Okay… (Frowns and walks over with his head down. He opens the door.)
Man at Door: It’s not safe! The dark side has returned! I must speak to Luke Skywalker immediately…
Hercules: Who the hell are you?
Man: I’m Stryke.
Hercules: MM.. that’s funny the guy in there is Stryke as well.
Stryke (man at door): I know I’m the Stryke of the future.
Hercules: Uh oh… this could get confusing. I’m going to call you Stryke 2.
Stryke 2 runs in, he sees Skywalker on the floor dead in pieces.
Stryke 2: Argg! Great! I knew I shouldn’t have stopped for that McDonalds!
Stryke: Wait a minute you are me in the future?
Stryke 2: Yes, I was sent back time to prevent this certain apocalypse from happening.
Stryke: What apocalypse?
Stryke 2: The return of the dark side.
Stryke: Please continue… please use flashbacks.
Stryke 2: Okay…
Flashback:
Stryke 2: In a galaxy far far away, there was a huge battle between some cuddly toys and some stormtroopers.
Stryke: Grandpa used to talk of them.
Stryke 2: Please don’t interrupt me…
Stryke: Sorry… you’re a bit rude aren’t you?
Hercules and MoJo whistle
Stryke 2: As I was saying… At the end of the battle, there was lots of dancing and fireworks as the world was saved from the empire and their leader the evil Daft Tony. He was an evil machine, saved by Luke Skywalker…
Stryke 2, Hercules, MoJo and Stryke 1 in unison: .. His son…
Stryke 2: I see you’ve heard this bit. Anyway… at the end of the battle, some random rings appeared from nowhere, and inside them what remained of the dark side was trapped. Each ring shared all the evil in the galaxy, when worn together they combined their evil, making the holder strong in the dark side. There were six rings and each ring was put in galaxies all over the place, with leaders, princesses, - people that could be trusted… several years later, some other evil guy known as Count Snuggly decided he wanted the dark side to return. A late apprentice of the empire, he had a lot left to learn. He taught himself for several years until his anger was mastered. Influenced by cartoons he travelled around the world collecting the rings one by one, with the help of bounty hunters. He had five until now…
Flashback ends
Hercules: Why do everyone always blame cartoons? Why?
Stryke: I bet we have the sixth ring don’t we?
Stryke 2: That is correct. Mr. Skywalker held one of them for safe keeping on his ring finger.
MoJo bends down and picks up Skywalkers dismembered hand.
MoJo: He ain’t got one anymore.
Stryke 2: I know… I feared this would happen. I was sent through time to stop one of his bounty hunters getting the last ring for him, but I just had to stop for that McDonalds… just had to. Darnit! I was mans saviour and now the world is doomed because of my hunger!
MoJo: Surely there is another way.
Stryke 2: Yes… but it means more hard work darnit.
MoJo: Hard?
Stryke 2: Think of it this way… stopping the bounty hunter was like winning a gameaday for a copied review after posting copied reviews for every day in a month. The way we have to do it is like writing a 4500 odd word spoof, an idiotic thing to do.
MoJo: Yeh surely people who write spoofs of that length have no lives!
Stryke 2: Anyway… upstairs. In the future I found some useful stuff in the attic. To the attic!
Then run upstairs, and upstairs again, and upstairs again, in fact they run up several flights of stairs till they reach the attic.
MoJo: I think my ears popped. Finally we are here.
A spaceship flies by the window followed by another and another.
MoJo: Blooming traffic.
Stryke 2: Okay, if I’m correct, underneath that floorboard will be some stuff.
Stryke 2 rips away a floorboard.
Stryke 2: Nope wrong one.. Maybe it’s this one… Ah here it is.
Stryke 2 pulls out a chest. He opens it wide, inside are dusty objects. Hercules walks over to one.
Hercules: Wow…. Are these what I think they are? The fabled lightsabres our granddad used to go on about?
Stryke 2: Yes. That is true.
Hercules grabs one of the lightsabres.
Hercules: Mm.. how do you turn these things on?
Stryke 2: Oh by the way before I forget I have to warn you Hercules…
Hercules: I think this thing is broken.
Hercules taps it on the table.
Stryke 2: Er… what was I meant to warn you mm.
Hercules taps it harder and turns it.
Stryke 2: Darnit, this time travel effects your brain! Oh yeh I’m suppose to tell you to take care whilst….
Hercules (looking down into the lightsabre whilst continually tapping the side): Yeh this ones bu..
Suddenly a long focused laser shoots out of the hole in the lightsabre and goes straight into Hercules left eye. Impaled with the lightsabre he falls to the floor.
Stryke 2: ..trying to turn your lightsabre on. Whoops…
MoJoJoJo collapses on to the floor on his knees.
MoJo: Hercules? Hercules?! HERCULES!!! Noooooo!
Stryke: Ah well, accidents happen.
Stryke (not the time travel one) pulls the lightsabre from Hercules eye.
Stryke: Such a weapon… I thought my granddad was senile yet I hold it in my hands. Is this a lightsabre that I see before me? The handle toward my hand come let me touch thee.
MoJo: Oh dear he’s gone Shakespearian again..
MoJo grabs a lightsabre from the box. He presses the button and a jet of light comes out.
MoJo: Coooool.
Stryke 2: Now listen here, time for your training.
MoJo: Stryke think fast!
MoJo throws a round object from the box into the air and hits it with his sabre. It is hurled towards Stryke. Stryke spins round and hits it back. There is a continuous rally.
Stryke 2: Please don’t fool around with it – that’s a thermal detonator!
Stryke hits it back. It whizzes through the air.
MoJo makes a moaning noise like tennis players do and knocks it back. It whizzes through the air creating waves behind it. It goes straight into Stryke and hits him in the head. The detonator falls to the floor. Stryke follows.
Stryke 2 runs up to him and feels his head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t die Stryke… it could have a strange effect on myself. I could disappear from existence.
MoJo: Is he ok?
Stryke 2: Yes… he’s just out cold.
MoJo: Oh good. Shall we go save the world now?
Stryke 2: Lets. You take my I mean Stryke I mean.. er.. his legs and I’ll take his I mean my er I mean er his head.
They grab him and carry him out.
MoJo: So where does this Count Snuggly hang out?
We see a massive scary looking spacestation. We zoom in, and see the words “Mir”. We suddenly move past it and zoom in on another planet. We go in and on it there is a gigantic skyscraper – completely black with dark windows. We zoom down to a much considerably smaller building of three stories with SR Towers written on it. Inside on the top floor we see a man with an asthma pump in his mouth. He wears a dark cloak hanging from his back. He holds a red lightsabre in one hand and on the other hand on each finger he has a ring (yes he has six fingers).
Count Snuggly: I always knew six fingers would come in handy. Mahahahha! Mahahah! Mahahah!
MoJo and Stryke 2 walk with Stryke 1 who has awoken from his daze. They are outside a pub and are beginning to walk towards it and the door
MoJo: So this Count Snuggly, now he has all six rings, how long till the darkside shows it’s face.
Stryke 2: At this very minute I have heard the sound of a million men of this planet crying out in agony as beer prices have risen.
They enter the pub. MoJo notices on the board the price of beer “£50 a pint”. MoJo drops his mouth.
MoJo: I need beer!
Stryke 2: Stryke, the mind is a fragile thing. You must learn to manipulate it.
Stryke nods. Stryke walks over to the pub counter. Suddenly the television suspended from the ceiling loses its grip on the ceiling and drops on his head. Stryke collapses to the floor.
Stryke 2: Oh darnit!
Stryke 2 runs over to him.
Stryke 2: He’s out cold again – not dead. Phew… MoJoJoJo get the drinks please.
MoJo walks over to the bar.
MoJo: Fifteen pints please.
Stryke 2: Fifteen? There’s only 3 of us..
MoJo: Yeh twelve for me.
Bartender: Er… 50 times 15... Er… £750 please.
MoJo: Don’t you mean £7.50?
Stryke 2: That’s the way!
MoJo makes a funny face and waves his hands and jumps around like he’s doing the robot dance.
Bartender: Er….
MoJo twists his neck looking left and right, then does an Egyptian dance.
Bartender: You’re weird.
Stryke 2: The force is strong in you young one.
MoJo headbutts the bartender. The bartender hits the floor and gets up.
Bartender: Ok!! £7.50!! Please don’t hurt me.
Stryke 2: You have learnt well my son.
MoJo: Son?
Stryke 2: No no! It’s just a figure of speech – nothing like that.
MoJo: I’d hope not. Me finding out I was your son would be worse than Gramps finding out Daft Tony was his father. I don’t know what I’d do knowing I was related to you. (MoJo Shudders)
Stryke: Huh? Where am I.
Stryke 2: Oh your awake again. Good good. (whispers to MoJo) Am I always this clumsy?
MoJo nods.
Stryke 2: Sigh… I was a geek when I was younger.
MoJo downs his thirteen pints. Stryke 2 sips his. Stryke 1 joins them and sips his.
Stryke: What happened to Hercules?
Stryke 2: He died remember.
Stryke: Oh yes.
MoJo: (Drunk) Now what? I feel like having a ruck with some dark side whadayacallem. Yeh you know what I mean. HEY what you looking at?!
(MoJo pulls out a gun and shoots an alien.) Yeh don’t mess with the best yer funboy.
Stryke: Funboy?
Stryke 2: Stupid Tyneside dialect. Ignore it.
MoJo: Oih Stryke what did you say about my mamma?!
Stryke: Huh?
MoJo headbutts Stryke. Stryke hits the floor.
Stryke 2: Could you please stop doing that, I don’t want to randomly disappear because my younger self got killed. Now MoJo listen we have a mission!
MoJo: Yer what? We has a mizzon? What on earths a mizzon. Oh yeh that mizzon. Kick that bot of that Count Snuggly yeh?
Stryke 2(to himself): Sigh, the mission is in jeopardy already.
MoJo: Comez on!
Landlady: Riight ged out! Ged outta my pub! Come on! Geddot! Yer barred!
MoJo: No I’s a Jedi Kite.
Stryke 2: Jedi Knight… Jedi Knight..
Landladies big strong son throws him out. Stryke 2 follows him out.
MoJo: Neza liked yer pub anyway! Yer beers not alcoholic enough…
Stryke 2: You stay out here on the pavement and sober up I need to get us a spaceship.
Stryke 2 re-enters the pub. Stryke 2 goes up to the bartender.
Stryke 2: Bartender any idea where I can get a ship?
Bartender: On yer left, first door can’t miss it.
Stryke 2: No a SHIP, S-H-I-P.
Bartender: Ohhhhh fairez enough. Thought you said..
Stryke 2: Please this is a family forum.
Bartender: Oh yer. You should check out that guy over there. He has the fastest ship in the galaxy or something. Windows Millenium Eagle I think it’s called.
Stryke 2: Thank you kind sir.
Stryke wakes up.
Stryke: Where am I huh?
Stryke 2: Come on you, we need to chat with this guy over here.
They walk over to a table where a wookie and a man with an Nintendo tattoo on his head.
Stryke 2: I heard you have a fast ship.
Man: Too right I do. Names Dringo and this is my crew Wookiemonster.
Wookiemonster growls friendly.
Stryke 2: Nice to meet you Dringo. We need to save the world from Count Snuggly. Can you help us find him?
Dringo: Have you any idea where he is?
Stryke 2: The force will guide us.
Dringo: The what?
Stryke 2: The force?
Dringo: Nope I still don’t get what you mean.
Stryke 2: Never mind. You drive I navigate.
Dringo: You got money?
Stryke 2: How much?
Dringo: Ten thousand…
Both Strykes: TEN THOUSAND?
Dringo: Yes! Ten thousand.
Stryke 2: I was hoping you’d work for peanuts.
Dringo: I do. Ten thousand peanuts. What did you think I was talking about?
Stryke 2: Pounds actually…
Wookiemonster laughs.
Stryke 2: Right be back in a second.
Stryke 2 runs to the bar and buys a lot of bags of peanuts and gives them to Dringo.
Dringo: Lets roll.
The crew are now on a spaceship. MoJo is drunk and is walking around the cabin bumping into stuff.
Stryke 2: Nice spaceship you got here.
Dringo: Yeh I know. It cost loads.
Stryke 2: Take a left here, into the one way system. I sense him. Count Snuggly is on the planet of the teddy bears.
Dringo: Not the teddy bears? They are in a world war at the moment. The traditional teddy bears discovered that all teddies were flammable and thought they could use it to their advantage to win land from the beanie babies. However, the funfair prize teddy bears didn’t like this so protected the beanie babies. Then it spiralled out of control…. Going in there would be murder.
Stryke 2: Nevertheless that’s where we must go.
Dringo: No we’re not.
Stryke 2 does a little dance in front of him.
Stryke 2: Yes we are.
Dringo: Fair enough. I’ll put it into hyperspace.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo have this glass of water to dilute that alcohol.
MoJo: No youz not pretty me pretty! Me go to Laalaa land.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo, I must teach you the ways of the force. You too Stryke. I must teach you everything I know.
Stryke: If I’m you how can you teach me everything you know? Because if you teach me everything you know, then technically you are teaching me everything I know, so therefore there is no point… ow my head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t try to understand time travel. Look what it did to Einstein’s head. Now draw your lightsabres.
MoJo and Stryke draw their lightsabres. MoJo trips over his feet and hits the floor.
MoJo: Me stay ere ya funboy. Me go see some lasses and yer know geddit on.
Stryke 2: Can you feel the force?
Stryke: Yes. I can feel it.
Stryke 2: Remember fear nothing. Focus. Let the force guide the lightsabre.
Stryke: I’m bored. Can’t we just watch the smellivision?
Stryke 2: Sigh patience is much needed. I can’t teach this boy. Er myself.
The ghost of Yoda appears.
Yoda: Teach him you must.Mm? Strong in the force both boys are mmm? Dangerously strong in the force are they.
Stryke 2: Yeh, I don’t get how I know you. Because I here in the present know you from the future, and in the future I know you from the past, from this present.
Yoda: Time travel confusing Stryke mm?
Stryke 2: You can say that again… it hurts my head just thinking about it.
Dringo: We’re above the planet now.
Stryke: Blooming heck that was quick.
Dringo: Told you it was fast. Okay we’re going in.
The spaceship goes through the atmosphere into the planet. They land in a desert. On one side are hundreds of newbies, and on the other there are lots and lots of regulars…
Brew: NEEEEEWWWWWWBIIIEEEEEE!
Dringo: Uhoh, wrong planet. We want the one next door.
Dringo flies back up and leaves the planet and enters the one next to it.
Dringo: Here we go the planet of the teddy bears.
They land in the middle of a war. A teddy bear is set alight with a flying ball of flame from a catapult. He begins to burn and runs towards a lake. He jumps in and out.
Teddy bear: Ahh much better.
He suddenly collapses to the floor.
Teddybear: Waterlogged! No!!
Stryke 2: MoJo, Stryke! Come on! There is Special Reserve towers over there next to that skyscraper.
Stryke: Why would you put two buildings bang next to each other on a planet inhabited with teddy bears?
Stryke 2: Don’t ask me… it does seem like it’s in the wrong place though I must say… Anyway don’t ask questions save the world.
They draw their lightsabres and bounce back lasers fired by the teddy bears. MoJo runs up to one, grabs it and bites it’s head off. He spits out teddy bear fluff then runs to the next one. He swings his lightsabre and takes the teddy bears head off.
MoJo: Comeon yer bears! I’ll take you all on!
Teddy bears of each side charge at MoJo whacking him with sticks. He sabres them all.
Stryke 2: No MoJoJoJo! You must complete your mission! Stryke 2 picks up a thermal detonator and lobs it at a crowd of them. They are propelled into the air on fire and hit the floor littering the ground with teddy bear fluff. They turn and run towards Stryke 2.
Stryke 2: Younger Stryke! MoJoJoJo! Get in the building! Kill Count Snuggly and destroy those rings!!
Stryke and MoJoJo run/waddle like a drunkard respectively to the building. Behind Stryke 2 is violently mauled by teddy bears. They enter through the revolving doors. In front they face Count Snuggly, with his cloak and red lightsabre. He sucks on his asthma pump.
Stryke: Count Snuggly!
MoJoJoJo pushes the swinging door. It swings round hitting Stryke in the head knocking him out cold.
MoJo: Ez I know you! Youz the one who giz those gameadays.
Count Snuggly sucks his asthma pump.
Count Snuggly: You are here for the rings I expect.
Count Snuggly flicks his hand with all the rings on each of the six fingers Ali G style.
Count Snuggly: Respec!
MoJo: Ez! I’m the cool dude who werz ringz. Not you. You is just a non-hip guy orz something.
Count Snuggly: You talk as if you were a newbie.
MoJo: Why iz you using asthma pump. Makes youz unscary does.
Count Snuggly draws his double ended lightsabre.
Count Snuggly: The dark side has returned and you cannot stop it!
MoJo: I is gonna try!
MoJo swings his lightsabre at Snuggly. It collides and locks on to Snuggly’s sabre. The two push one another. Snuggly pushes MoJo back and does a somersault backwards. MoJo hits the door.
MoJo: Ow. You was meant to go down.
Stryke stirs. MoJo jumps up and starts fighting Snuggly again. The sabre continually collides, making sound effects that sound like “er er ur er” (low budget on sound effects). MoJo pushes Snuggly to the floor.
Snuggly: Stryke has taught you well.
Stryke: I have?
Snuggly extends his arm and directs lightning at Stryke who falls back on to the floor. There he goes into a spasm. The lightning stops, Stryke twitches on the floor until he is knocked out cold again.
Snuggly then throws his lightsabre at MoJo. MoJo dives and the lightsabre narrowly misses as MoJo hits and slides along the floor to a halt. The lightsabre swings back to Snugglys hand. Snuggly than extends his ring hand and lifts it vertically up. MoJo then suddenly lifts off the ground.
MoJo: Huh?
Count Snuggly: Witness the powers of the dark side!!
Count Snuggly tosses MoJo’s body against the wall. He repeats this procedure until MoJo is badly bruised and bloody. Stryke begins to stir again. Count Snuggly walks over to MoJo and stands over him he kicks MoJo’s lightsabre out of his hand. He stands on his hand.
MoJo: Errgg..
Stryke: Where am I?
Count Snuggly takes his foot of MoJo’s hand and kicks MoJo in the head.
MoJo: Arrghhh! No!!
Count Snuggly: If you’d give into the dark side and take a place at my side, like I know you will never, I will let you live.
MoJo: Fair enough. I’ll join the dark side.
Count Snuggly: Really? Blooming heck I was pretty sure you’d say no. That’s brilliant anyhow. I thought we’d start by constructing a space station then destroying the world with a giant laser. I’ve already made some grunts to help us with our dirty work! No more need for using bounty hunters!
Down the stairs come four robots in armour. They hold laser guns and have the head of what looks like C3-P0 and for armour what looks like the body of R2D2.
Count Snuggly: I found some droids they were quite useful. I based all the designs on their bodies. Great stuff. I call them Monsoontroopers. This ones the prototype Loki.
Loki (in voice of C3-PO): Hello good sir. I am fluent in over fifty languages and as well as that I can kick butt pretty well.
Count Snuggly: Join me MoJo and we will rule the universe together side by side.
MoJo: Cooool. Sounds good.
MoJo picks up his lightsabre.
MoJo: Lets do it.
Suddenly Stryke jumps up. Count Snuggly with his arm around MoJo’s neck is starting to talk about world domination. They walk towards the stairs followed by the four monsoontroopers.
Stryke: Nooo!!!
Stryke strikes down the monsoontroopers. He then leaps into the air towards Count Snuggly who is walking in the opposite direction up the stairs followed by MoJo. Snuggly turns as he hears the shout of Stryke. He turns straight onto an incoming lightsabre that Stryke has thrown through the air... It goes straight through his stomach, out the other side, Snuggly slumps down on to the ground, the lightsabre flies over his head back into Stryke’s hand. The asthma pump falls out of his mouth. MoJo leans over Count Snuggly’s dead body. Snuggly struggles to breath.
Snuggly: MoJo, I would have done as I promised. I would have given you everything you wanted. Before I die MoJoJoJo let me tell you this?
MoJo: What?
Snuggly: I am your seventh cousin thrice removed!
MoJo: Mm.. so that would make you er.. my mums sisters… no mums, aunties, aunts.. er something something sister’s er cousin er their cousin… what ever. You’re related to me. They had you all wrong you know Snuggly! They said you were evil. Maybe you were… but at least you’re doing something with your life. And us family stick together!
Snuggly makes one last wheezing sound, his eyes begin to close.
MoJo: Noo!! (Weeping)
MoJo turns to Stryke. He headbutts him.
MoJo: Idiot. You cost me the world!
Stryke (slowly recovering): But I saved the world! It has been saved once and for all! Now we must do as myself from the future said. We must destroy the rings! We must finish the job and be heroes like Grandpa Luke!
MoJo: No way. These are nice rings. I’m wearing them. These are solid gold. You can do what you like.
Stryke: But surely thee who wears the rings joins the dark side!
MoJo puts the rings on each of his fingers.
MoJo: Mm... I’ve run out of fingers. Here you go Stryke treat yourself. He kicks Stryke in the crown jewels.
Some more monsoon troopers walk down the stairs by MoJo’s side.
Stryke: Ergg… you’ve become evil! Take the rings off! They are making you evil!
MoJo: Shut up! That’s not evil! This would be evil…
MoJo slashes Strykes crown jewels with a lightsabre.
MoJo: Now that’s evil.
Stryke falls to the floor in agony.
MoJo: And this is evil..
MoJo sets fire to Stryke’s hair.
MoJo: If I’d done what I’d just shown you, then that would be evil. Kicking you in the groin like this…
MoJo kicks Stryke in the groin.
MoJo: … is not evil. People do it all the time in fights and what have you. Now come on Monsoontroopers we must finish off what Count Snuggly started.
Stryke faints from agony. MoJo walks out of the building. He walks over to the Windows Millenium Eagle followed by around ten monsoon troopers. The door shortly afterwards closes. It then hovers vertically upwards into the air. About fifty feet in the air, the door opens. Suddenly Wookiemonster and Dringo can be seen flying through the air out of the door. Wookiemonster growls in fear as he falls through the air.
Dringo: Hopefully Stryke will return from the future yet again and stop this from ever happening. Here’s to the future!
They fall through the air hitting the ground and collapsing on their faces…A close up reveals they are dead. Stryke meanwhile lies on the floor. The sixth ring in his open palm begins to glow red and orange then purple, then pink, followed by black...
An old frail man sits on a chair, with children gathered around him
Old Frail Man: .. So that’s how I saved the world from the Daft Tony and defeats the Empire!
Child 1: What did you do then Grandpa Skywalker? Please tell me!
Child 2: Yes Grandpa Skywalker! Please tell us!
Grandpa Skywalker: Well….. not much to be honest. No one seemed interested in me. Did loads of game voiceovers. LOADS! I did them for a whole series of Wing Commander, and even Soldier of Fortune 2!
Child 1: Woww.
Grandpa Skywalker: And that was back in the day where games were played with controllers! And they were 3d! Not 10d like the ones today!
Child 2: Wowww your old!
Grandpa Skywalker: Now now children off to bed!
Child 1: Show us your lightsabre! Please!
Grandpa Skywalker: Sorry young uns. It must be kept safe, only to emerge when trouble returns! Now off! Off! Off! More stories tomorrow!
The children run upstairs. Grandpa waddles over to the fire.
Grandpa: Off.
The fire goes out. Grandpa goes back to his chair and sits down. He sighs.
Grandpa: 100 years old! No respect from anyone but the little uns. Oh I miss my youth! I miss being Luke Skywalker! Not Grandpa Skywalker!
Scary doomed music starts playing, consisting of drum beats in regular patterns.
Grandpa: Those damn kids and their music!!
There is a thud. Grandpa turns round to see some feet at the bottom of the chimney.
Voice: Erg… stuck.
Grandpa: Darnammit! That chimney sweeps fallen down the chimney again! Is it you chimneysweeper?
Voice: Yes… help!
Grandpa: Ok!
Grandpa waddles over to the fireplace and pokes the chimneysweeper with his walking stick. A bottom hits the floor. He steps back, the chimneysweeper climbs out.
Grandpa: Wait a minute! My eye sight may be the worst thing since sliced bread but your not the chimney sweep!
Guy (he is dressed in bounty hunter clothing): I lied.
Guy pulls out two machine guns blasters and fires continuously at Luke Skywalker. He falls to the floor.
Guy: You’re terminated.
The guy walks over Luke, bends down, stands up again and then leaves through the door by jetpack.
In a bedroom, the three older kids that were listening to Grandpas stories sit down.
Kid 1: Force my foot!
Kid 3 farts.
Kid 3 (in a voice mimicking his grandpa): I sense a disturbance in the force!
All three kids: hahahah!
Kid 1: I’m glad we got that joke out the way….
Kid 3: Yeh…
Kid 2: Darth Tony… empire… the guys nuts. We live in a peaceful community, no war or anything. I dunno…
Blasting sounds can be heard from downstairs.
Kid 1: What the?
The three kids jump up and run downstairs.
Kid 1: MoJoJoJo!
MoJo: What Stryke?
Stryke: It’s Grandpa! I think he’s had a heart attack!
Kid 3: I didn’t know heart attacks were so deadly…
Stryke: Well they are Hercules… look at all those limbs. Heart attacks are when your heart randomly explodes and sends all your body parts everywhere…
Hercules: You sure?
Stryke: Yeh… I saw it in a film!
Hercules: True films always depict true life.
Stryke: Grandpa! Speak to me! Please!!
MoJo: Er.. I think the fact he has exploded into lots of bits could prevent him from speaking.
There is a knock on the door.
Stryke: Get that Hercules…
Hercules: Shouldn’t we phone 999 first?
Stryke: Hercules… just do it.
Hercules: Okay… (Frowns and walks over with his head down. He opens the door.)
Man at Door: It’s not safe! The dark side has returned! I must speak to Luke Skywalker immediately…
Hercules: Who the hell are you?
Man: I’m Stryke.
Hercules: MM.. that’s funny the guy in there is Stryke as well.
Stryke (man at door): I know I’m the Stryke of the future.
Hercules: Uh oh… this could get confusing. I’m going to call you Stryke 2.
Stryke 2 runs in, he sees Skywalker on the floor dead in pieces.
Stryke 2: Argg! Great! I knew I shouldn’t have stopped for that McDonalds!
Stryke: Wait a minute you are me in the future?
Stryke 2: Yes, I was sent back time to prevent this certain apocalypse from happening.
Stryke: What apocalypse?
Stryke 2: The return of the dark side.
Stryke: Please continue… please use flashbacks.
Stryke 2: Okay…
Flashback:
Stryke 2: In a galaxy far far away, there was a huge battle between some cuddly toys and some stormtroopers.
Stryke: Grandpa used to talk of them.
Stryke 2: Please don’t interrupt me…
Stryke: Sorry… you’re a bit rude aren’t you?
Hercules and MoJo whistle
Stryke 2: As I was saying… At the end of the battle, there was lots of dancing and fireworks as the world was saved from the empire and their leader the evil Daft Tony. He was an evil machine, saved by Luke Skywalker…
Stryke 2, Hercules, MoJo and Stryke 1 in unison: .. His son…
Stryke 2: I see you’ve heard this bit. Anyway… at the end of the battle, some random rings appeared from nowhere, and inside them what remained of the dark side was trapped. Each ring shared all the evil in the galaxy, when worn together they combined their evil, making the holder strong in the dark side. There were six rings and each ring was put in galaxies all over the place, with leaders, princesses, - people that could be trusted… several years later, some other evil guy known as Count Snuggly decided he wanted the dark side to return. A late apprentice of the empire, he had a lot left to learn. He taught himself for several years until his anger was mastered. Influenced by cartoons he travelled around the world collecting the rings one by one, with the help of bounty hunters. He had five until now…
Flashback ends
Hercules: Why do everyone always blame cartoons? Why?
Stryke: I bet we have the sixth ring don’t we?
Stryke 2: That is correct. Mr. Skywalker held one of them for safe keeping on his ring finger.
MoJo bends down and picks up Skywalkers dismembered hand.
MoJo: He ain’t got one anymore.
Stryke 2: I know… I feared this would happen. I was sent through time to stop one of his bounty hunters getting the last ring for him, but I just had to stop for that McDonalds… just had to. Darnit! I was mans saviour and now the world is doomed because of my hunger!
MoJo: Surely there is another way.
Stryke 2: Yes… but it means more hard work darnit.
MoJo: Hard?
Stryke 2: Think of it this way… stopping the bounty hunter was like winning a gameaday for a copied review after posting copied reviews for every day in a month. The way we have to do it is like writing a 4500 odd word spoof, an idiotic thing to do.
MoJo: Yeh surely people who write spoofs of that length have no lives!
Stryke 2: Anyway… upstairs. In the future I found some useful stuff in the attic. To the attic!
Then run upstairs, and upstairs again, and upstairs again, in fact they run up several flights of stairs till they reach the attic.
MoJo: I think my ears popped. Finally we are here.
A spaceship flies by the window followed by another and another.
MoJo: Blooming traffic.
Stryke 2: Okay, if I’m correct, underneath that floorboard will be some stuff.
Stryke 2 rips away a floorboard.
Stryke 2: Nope wrong one.. Maybe it’s this one… Ah here it is.
Stryke 2 pulls out a chest. He opens it wide, inside are dusty objects. Hercules walks over to one.
Hercules: Wow…. Are these what I think they are? The fabled lightsabres our granddad used to go on about?
Stryke 2: Yes. That is true.
Hercules grabs one of the lightsabres.
Hercules: Mm.. how do you turn these things on?
Stryke 2: Oh by the way before I forget I have to warn you Hercules…
Hercules: I think this thing is broken.
Hercules taps it on the table.
Stryke 2: Er… what was I meant to warn you mm.
Hercules taps it harder and turns it.
Stryke 2: Darnit, this time travel effects your brain! Oh yeh I’m suppose to tell you to take care whilst….
Hercules (looking down into the lightsabre whilst continually tapping the side): Yeh this ones bu..
Suddenly a long focused laser shoots out of the hole in the lightsabre and goes straight into Hercules left eye. Impaled with the lightsabre he falls to the floor.
Stryke 2: ..trying to turn your lightsabre on. Whoops…
MoJoJoJo collapses on to the floor on his knees.
MoJo: Hercules? Hercules?! HERCULES!!! Noooooo!
Stryke: Ah well, accidents happen.
Stryke (not the time travel one) pulls the lightsabre from Hercules eye.
Stryke: Such a weapon… I thought my granddad was senile yet I hold it in my hands. Is this a lightsabre that I see before me? The handle toward my hand come let me touch thee.
MoJo: Oh dear he’s gone Shakespearian again..
MoJo grabs a lightsabre from the box. He presses the button and a jet of light comes out.
MoJo: Coooool.
Stryke 2: Now listen here, time for your training.
MoJo: Stryke think fast!
MoJo throws a round object from the box into the air and hits it with his sabre. It is hurled towards Stryke. Stryke spins round and hits it back. There is a continuous rally.
Stryke 2: Please don’t fool around with it – that’s a thermal detonator!
Stryke hits it back. It whizzes through the air.
MoJo makes a moaning noise like tennis players do and knocks it back. It whizzes through the air creating waves behind it. It goes straight into Stryke and hits him in the head. The detonator falls to the floor. Stryke follows.
Stryke 2 runs up to him and feels his head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t die Stryke… it could have a strange effect on myself. I could disappear from existence.
MoJo: Is he ok?
Stryke 2: Yes… he’s just out cold.
MoJo: Oh good. Shall we go save the world now?
Stryke 2: Lets. You take my I mean Stryke I mean.. er.. his legs and I’ll take his I mean my er I mean er his head.
They grab him and carry him out.
MoJo: So where does this Count Snuggly hang out?
We see a massive scary looking spacestation. We zoom in, and see the words “Mir”. We suddenly move past it and zoom in on another planet. We go in and on it there is a gigantic skyscraper – completely black with dark windows. We zoom down to a much considerably smaller building of three stories with SR Towers written on it. Inside on the top floor we see a man with an asthma pump in his mouth. He wears a dark cloak hanging from his back. He holds a red lightsabre in one hand and on the other hand on each finger he has a ring (yes he has six fingers).
Count Snuggly: I always knew six fingers would come in handy. Mahahahha! Mahahah! Mahahah!
MoJo and Stryke 2 walk with Stryke 1 who has awoken from his daze. They are outside a pub and are beginning to walk towards it and the door
MoJo: So this Count Snuggly, now he has all six rings, how long till the darkside shows it’s face.
Stryke 2: At this very minute I have heard the sound of a million men of this planet crying out in agony as beer prices have risen.
They enter the pub. MoJo notices on the board the price of beer “£50 a pint”. MoJo drops his mouth.
MoJo: I need beer!
Stryke 2: Stryke, the mind is a fragile thing. You must learn to manipulate it.
Stryke nods. Stryke walks over to the pub counter. Suddenly the television suspended from the ceiling loses its grip on the ceiling and drops on his head. Stryke collapses to the floor.
Stryke 2: Oh darnit!
Stryke 2 runs over to him.
Stryke 2: He’s out cold again – not dead. Phew… MoJoJoJo get the drinks please.
MoJo walks over to the bar.
MoJo: Fifteen pints please.
Stryke 2: Fifteen? There’s only 3 of us..
MoJo: Yeh twelve for me.
Bartender: Er… 50 times 15... Er… £750 please.
MoJo: Don’t you mean £7.50?
Stryke 2: That’s the way!
MoJo makes a funny face and waves his hands and jumps around like he’s doing the robot dance.
Bartender: Er….
MoJo twists his neck looking left and right, then does an Egyptian dance.
Bartender: You’re weird.
Stryke 2: The force is strong in you young one.
MoJo headbutts the bartender. The bartender hits the floor and gets up.
Bartender: Ok!! £7.50!! Please don’t hurt me.
Stryke 2: You have learnt well my son.
MoJo: Son?
Stryke 2: No no! It’s just a figure of speech – nothing like that.
MoJo: I’d hope not. Me finding out I was your son would be worse than Gramps finding out Daft Tony was his father. I don’t know what I’d do knowing I was related to you. (MoJo Shudders)
Stryke: Huh? Where am I.
Stryke 2: Oh your awake again. Good good. (whispers to MoJo) Am I always this clumsy?
MoJo nods.
Stryke 2: Sigh… I was a geek when I was younger.
MoJo downs his thirteen pints. Stryke 2 sips his. Stryke 1 joins them and sips his.
Stryke: What happened to Hercules?
Stryke 2: He died remember.
Stryke: Oh yes.
MoJo: (Drunk) Now what? I feel like having a ruck with some dark side whadayacallem. Yeh you know what I mean. HEY what you looking at?!
(MoJo pulls out a gun and shoots an alien.) Yeh don’t mess with the best yer funboy.
Stryke: Funboy?
Stryke 2: Stupid Tyneside dialect. Ignore it.
MoJo: Oih Stryke what did you say about my mamma?!
Stryke: Huh?
MoJo headbutts Stryke. Stryke hits the floor.
Stryke 2: Could you please stop doing that, I don’t want to randomly disappear because my younger self got killed. Now MoJo listen we have a mission!
MoJo: Yer what? We has a mizzon? What on earths a mizzon. Oh yeh that mizzon. Kick that bot of that Count Snuggly yeh?
Stryke 2(to himself): Sigh, the mission is in jeopardy already.
MoJo: Comez on!
Landlady: Riight ged out! Ged outta my pub! Come on! Geddot! Yer barred!
MoJo: No I’s a Jedi Kite.
Stryke 2: Jedi Knight… Jedi Knight..
Landladies big strong son throws him out. Stryke 2 follows him out.
MoJo: Neza liked yer pub anyway! Yer beers not alcoholic enough…
Stryke 2: You stay out here on the pavement and sober up I need to get us a spaceship.
Stryke 2 re-enters the pub. Stryke 2 goes up to the bartender.
Stryke 2: Bartender any idea where I can get a ship?
Bartender: On yer left, first door can’t miss it.
Stryke 2: No a SHIP, S-H-I-P.
Bartender: Ohhhhh fairez enough. Thought you said..
Stryke 2: Please this is a family forum.
Bartender: Oh yer. You should check out that guy over there. He has the fastest ship in the galaxy or something. Windows Millenium Eagle I think it’s called.
Stryke 2: Thank you kind sir.
Stryke wakes up.
Stryke: Where am I huh?
Stryke 2: Come on you, we need to chat with this guy over here.
They walk over to a table where a wookie and a man with an Nintendo tattoo on his head.
Stryke 2: I heard you have a fast ship.
Man: Too right I do. Names Dringo and this is my crew Wookiemonster.
Wookiemonster growls friendly.
Stryke 2: Nice to meet you Dringo. We need to save the world from Count Snuggly. Can you help us find him?
Dringo: Have you any idea where he is?
Stryke 2: The force will guide us.
Dringo: The what?
Stryke 2: The force?
Dringo: Nope I still don’t get what you mean.
Stryke 2: Never mind. You drive I navigate.
Dringo: You got money?
Stryke 2: How much?
Dringo: Ten thousand…
Both Strykes: TEN THOUSAND?
Dringo: Yes! Ten thousand.
Stryke 2: I was hoping you’d work for peanuts.
Dringo: I do. Ten thousand peanuts. What did you think I was talking about?
Stryke 2: Pounds actually…
Wookiemonster laughs.
Stryke 2: Right be back in a second.
Stryke 2 runs to the bar and buys a lot of bags of peanuts and gives them to Dringo.
Dringo: Lets roll.
The crew are now on a spaceship. MoJo is drunk and is walking around the cabin bumping into stuff.
Stryke 2: Nice spaceship you got here.
Dringo: Yeh I know. It cost loads.
Stryke 2: Take a left here, into the one way system. I sense him. Count Snuggly is on the planet of the teddy bears.
Dringo: Not the teddy bears? They are in a world war at the moment. The traditional teddy bears discovered that all teddies were flammable and thought they could use it to their advantage to win land from the beanie babies. However, the funfair prize teddy bears didn’t like this so protected the beanie babies. Then it spiralled out of control…. Going in there would be murder.
Stryke 2: Nevertheless that’s where we must go.
Dringo: No we’re not.
Stryke 2 does a little dance in front of him.
Stryke 2: Yes we are.
Dringo: Fair enough. I’ll put it into hyperspace.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo have this glass of water to dilute that alcohol.
MoJo: No youz not pretty me pretty! Me go to Laalaa land.
Stryke 2: MoJoJoJo, I must teach you the ways of the force. You too Stryke. I must teach you everything I know.
Stryke: If I’m you how can you teach me everything you know? Because if you teach me everything you know, then technically you are teaching me everything I know, so therefore there is no point… ow my head.
Stryke 2: Please don’t try to understand time travel. Look what it did to Einstein’s head. Now draw your lightsabres.
MoJo and Stryke draw their lightsabres. MoJo trips over his feet and hits the floor.
MoJo: Me stay ere ya funboy. Me go see some lasses and yer know geddit on.
Stryke 2: Can you feel the force?
Stryke: Yes. I can feel it.
Stryke 2: Remember fear nothing. Focus. Let the force guide the lightsabre.
Stryke: I’m bored. Can’t we just watch the smellivision?
Stryke 2: Sigh patience is much needed. I can’t teach this boy. Er myself.
The ghost of Yoda appears.
Yoda: Teach him you must.Mm? Strong in the force both boys are mmm? Dangerously strong in the force are they.
Stryke 2: Yeh, I don’t get how I know you. Because I here in the present know you from the future, and in the future I know you from the past, from this present.
Yoda: Time travel confusing Stryke mm?
Stryke 2: You can say that again… it hurts my head just thinking about it.
Dringo: We’re above the planet now.
Stryke: Blooming heck that was quick.
Dringo: Told you it was fast. Okay we’re going in.
The spaceship goes through the atmosphere into the planet. They land in a desert. On one side are hundreds of newbies, and on the other there are lots and lots of regulars…
Brew: NEEEEEWWWWWWBIIIEEEEEE!
Dringo: Uhoh, wrong planet. We want the one next door.
Dringo flies back up and leaves the planet and enters the one next to it.
Dringo: Here we go the planet of the teddy bears.
They land in the middle of a war. A teddy bear is set alight with a flying ball of flame from a catapult. He begins to burn and runs towards a lake. He jumps in and out.
Teddy bear: Ahh much better.
He suddenly collapses to the floor.
Teddybear: Waterlogged! No!!
Stryke 2: MoJo, Stryke! Come on! There is Special Reserve towers over there next to that skyscraper.
Stryke: Why would you put two buildings bang next to each other on a planet inhabited with teddy bears?
Stryke 2: Don’t ask me… it does seem like it’s in the wrong place though I must say… Anyway don’t ask questions save the world.
They draw their lightsabres and bounce back lasers fired by the teddy bears. MoJo runs up to one, grabs it and bites it’s head off. He spits out teddy bear fluff then runs to the next one. He swings his lightsabre and takes the teddy bears head off.
MoJo: Comeon yer bears! I’ll take you all on!
Teddy bears of each side charge at MoJo whacking him with sticks. He sabres them all.
Stryke 2: No MoJoJoJo! You must complete your mission! Stryke 2 picks up a thermal detonator and lobs it at a crowd of them. They are propelled into the air on fire and hit the floor littering the ground with teddy bear fluff. They turn and run towards Stryke 2.
Stryke 2: Younger Stryke! MoJoJoJo! Get in the building! Kill Count Snuggly and destroy those rings!!
Stryke and MoJoJo run/waddle like a drunkard respectively to the building. Behind Stryke 2 is violently mauled by teddy bears. They enter through the revolving doors. In front they face Count Snuggly, with his cloak and red lightsabre. He sucks on his asthma pump.
Stryke: Count Snuggly!
MoJoJoJo pushes the swinging door. It swings round hitting Stryke in the head knocking him out cold.
MoJo: Ez I know you! Youz the one who giz those gameadays.
Count Snuggly sucks his asthma pump.
Count Snuggly: You are here for the rings I expect.
Count Snuggly flicks his hand with all the rings on each of the six fingers Ali G style.
Count Snuggly: Respec!
MoJo: Ez! I’m the cool dude who werz ringz. Not you. You is just a non-hip guy orz something.
Count Snuggly: You talk as if you were a newbie.
MoJo: Why iz you using asthma pump. Makes youz unscary does.
Count Snuggly draws his double ended lightsabre.
Count Snuggly: The dark side has returned and you cannot stop it!
MoJo: I is gonna try!
MoJo swings his lightsabre at Snuggly. It collides and locks on to Snuggly’s sabre. The two push one another. Snuggly pushes MoJo back and does a somersault backwards. MoJo hits the door.
MoJo: Ow. You was meant to go down.
Stryke stirs. MoJo jumps up and starts fighting Snuggly again. The sabre continually collides, making sound effects that sound like “er er ur er” (low budget on sound effects). MoJo pushes Snuggly to the floor.
Snuggly: Stryke has taught you well.
Stryke: I have?
Snuggly extends his arm and directs lightning at Stryke who falls back on to the floor. There he goes into a spasm. The lightning stops, Stryke twitches on the floor until he is knocked out cold again.
Snuggly then throws his lightsabre at MoJo. MoJo dives and the lightsabre narrowly misses as MoJo hits and slides along the floor to a halt. The lightsabre swings back to Snugglys hand. Snuggly than extends his ring hand and lifts it vertically up. MoJo then suddenly lifts off the ground.
MoJo: Huh?
Count Snuggly: Witness the powers of the dark side!!
Count Snuggly tosses MoJo’s body against the wall. He repeats this procedure until MoJo is badly bruised and bloody. Stryke begins to stir again. Count Snuggly walks over to MoJo and stands over him he kicks MoJo’s lightsabre out of his hand. He stands on his hand.
MoJo: Errgg..
Stryke: Where am I?
Count Snuggly takes his foot of MoJo’s hand and kicks MoJo in the head.
MoJo: Arrghhh! No!!
Count Snuggly: If you’d give into the dark side and take a place at my side, like I know you will never, I will let you live.
MoJo: Fair enough. I’ll join the dark side.
Count Snuggly: Really? Blooming heck I was pretty sure you’d say no. That’s brilliant anyhow. I thought we’d start by constructing a space station then destroying the world with a giant laser. I’ve already made some grunts to help us with our dirty work! No more need for using bounty hunters!
Down the stairs come four robots in armour. They hold laser guns and have the head of what looks like C3-P0 and for armour what looks like the body of R2D2.
Count Snuggly: I found some droids they were quite useful. I based all the designs on their bodies. Great stuff. I call them Monsoontroopers. This ones the prototype Loki.
Loki (in voice of C3-PO): Hello good sir. I am fluent in over fifty languages and as well as that I can kick butt pretty well.
Count Snuggly: Join me MoJo and we will rule the universe together side by side.
MoJo: Cooool. Sounds good.
MoJo picks up his lightsabre.
MoJo: Lets do it.
Suddenly Stryke jumps up. Count Snuggly with his arm around MoJo’s neck is starting to talk about world domination. They walk towards the stairs followed by the four monsoontroopers.
Stryke: Nooo!!!
Stryke strikes down the monsoontroopers. He then leaps into the air towards Count Snuggly who is walking in the opposite direction up the stairs followed by MoJo. Snuggly turns as he hears the shout of Stryke. He turns straight onto an incoming lightsabre that Stryke has thrown through the air... It goes straight through his stomach, out the other side, Snuggly slumps down on to the ground, the lightsabre flies over his head back into Stryke’s hand. The asthma pump falls out of his mouth. MoJo leans over Count Snuggly’s dead body. Snuggly struggles to breath.
Snuggly: MoJo, I would have done as I promised. I would have given you everything you wanted. Before I die MoJoJoJo let me tell you this?
MoJo: What?
Snuggly: I am your seventh cousin thrice removed!
MoJo: Mm.. so that would make you er.. my mums sisters… no mums, aunties, aunts.. er something something sister’s er cousin er their cousin… what ever. You’re related to me. They had you all wrong you know Snuggly! They said you were evil. Maybe you were… but at least you’re doing something with your life. And us family stick together!
Snuggly makes one last wheezing sound, his eyes begin to close.
MoJo: Noo!! (Weeping)
MoJo turns to Stryke. He headbutts him.
MoJo: Idiot. You cost me the world!
Stryke (slowly recovering): But I saved the world! It has been saved once and for all! Now we must do as myself from the future said. We must destroy the rings! We must finish the job and be heroes like Grandpa Luke!
MoJo: No way. These are nice rings. I’m wearing them. These are solid gold. You can do what you like.
Stryke: But surely thee who wears the rings joins the dark side!
MoJo puts the rings on each of his fingers.
MoJo: Mm... I’ve run out of fingers. Here you go Stryke treat yourself. He kicks Stryke in the crown jewels.
Some more monsoon troopers walk down the stairs by MoJo’s side.
Stryke: Ergg… you’ve become evil! Take the rings off! They are making you evil!
MoJo: Shut up! That’s not evil! This would be evil…
MoJo slashes Strykes crown jewels with a lightsabre.
MoJo: Now that’s evil.
Stryke falls to the floor in agony.
MoJo: And this is evil..
MoJo sets fire to Stryke’s hair.
MoJo: If I’d done what I’d just shown you, then that would be evil. Kicking you in the groin like this…
MoJo kicks Stryke in the groin.
MoJo: … is not evil. People do it all the time in fights and what have you. Now come on Monsoontroopers we must finish off what Count Snuggly started.
Stryke faints from agony. MoJo walks out of the building. He walks over to the Windows Millenium Eagle followed by around ten monsoon troopers. The door shortly afterwards closes. It then hovers vertically upwards into the air. About fifty feet in the air, the door opens. Suddenly Wookiemonster and Dringo can be seen flying through the air out of the door. Wookiemonster growls in fear as he falls through the air.
Dringo: Hopefully Stryke will return from the future yet again and stop this from ever happening. Here’s to the future!
They fall through the air hitting the ground and collapsing on their faces…A close up reveals they are dead. Stryke meanwhile lies on the floor. The sixth ring in his open palm begins to glow red and orange then purple, then pink, followed by black...
Nice post Rakuga!
Excellent. I seem to be in every spoof that MoJoMan or Rakuga here do. It's got to be because they love me. Surely? Anyway, good on ye. Didn't you win GAD for your Planet of the Apes spoof?
Stryke wrote:
> Excellent. I seem to be in every spoof that MoJoMan or Rakuga here do.
> It's got to be because they love me. Surely? Anyway, good on ye.
> Didn't you win GAD for your Planet of the Apes spoof?
Well Stryke, your such a lovely personality, crowds of people are sure you read my spoof! And I thought you and MoJo would make a good team what with your relationship heh.
MoJo started it :). I just thought it was a good idea.
> Excellent. I seem to be in every spoof that MoJoMan or Rakuga here do.
> It's got to be because they love me. Surely? Anyway, good on ye.
> Didn't you win GAD for your Planet of the Apes spoof?
Well Stryke, your such a lovely personality, crowds of people are sure you read my spoof! And I thought you and MoJo would make a good team what with your relationship heh.
MoJo started it :). I just thought it was a good idea.
The newbies just love me, don't they? I like MoJoMan anyway. Sorry to dissapoint :D Cool spoof, though. I was Alan Rickman in Spam Hard, though. A Jedi in this...hm...A Jedi Alan Rickman would be ultimate. Get on it.
Stryke wrote:
A Jedi Alan Rickman would be ultimate. Get on it.
-------
*rushes off to write it*
A Jedi Alan Rickman would be ultimate. Get on it.
-------
*rushes off to write it*
See that he has a purple evil German lightsaber.
LOL, brilliant stuff, sheer excellence!
*applauds*
I promised myself that I wouldnt read any more spoofs for a little while now until my exams are over but once I saw this one pop up, I just had to read it.
:D
Very funny, keep these coming!
LOL
:)
*continues to laugh uncontrollably*
*applauds*
I promised myself that I wouldnt read any more spoofs for a little while now until my exams are over but once I saw this one pop up, I just had to read it.
:D
Very funny, keep these coming!
LOL
:)
*continues to laugh uncontrollably*
Hercules! wrote:
> >
> *continues to laugh uncontrollably*
--
You're lying, aren't you? Because if you were laughing uncontrollably, where's the control to type coming from?
Tut tut.
> >
> *continues to laugh uncontrollably*
--
You're lying, aren't you? Because if you were laughing uncontrollably, where's the control to type coming from?
Tut tut.
LOL...
errrr... *blushes*
Nah, I am laughing really.... its just that I typed that and then clicked enter... AND THEN laughed uncontrollably...
Youre not taking any of this are you?
eerrr...
*runs*
errrr... *blushes*
Nah, I am laughing really.... its just that I typed that and then clicked enter... AND THEN laughed uncontrollably...
Youre not taking any of this are you?
eerrr...
*runs*
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