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I have looked at that wall now for so long. Waiting for something new to appear, a crack or even a smear. Something new to ease the pain of the day. When I wake up, thats when I have my nightmares, sleeping is now when I live.
I have developed insomnia because I am scared to wake up.
Maybe tonight I won't wake up?
I might live forever in 'there'.
I don't believe in hell anymore, because there possibly can't be a place worse than this. At the moment I am smiling, I don't know why. Its an external emotion of which I know nothing about, I haven't smiled like this much. Asking myself why I am smiling? I had a good day today. I accept it now. I don't want to question it.
Life was never meant to be easy, nobody ever showed me the way. I was dropped and thrown about. I stumbled against the doors. I was blind at points. Completely blind to the fact I was not the only ones in pain.
I hate the way people obviously thought because I have a some family and friends and because I am 'well off'...I must be happy. What a load of crap.
This last 365 days. Wow. I have matured beyond my own expectations. I speak wiser thoughts than I probably ever wanted to. My experience has lead to my pain.
As I sit here and type. I freestyle out everything I am thinking as I know it helps and I like to come back to it and see that a few people have read it and either enjoyed it or hated it. Either, I don't care. As it helps me and as I just said... its completely unstructured.
As I sit here my body is having trouble breathing because of internal problems, my hands are swollen and cut because of earlier housework and I probably wouldn't mind crying. Yet as I sit here my smile is still covering my face. This smile is not because I am insane and not because I am a sadist. Its a smile of life, I know through this smile I can make others smile back. Momentarily give them a lapse of reason and make them believe for that split second all is well. Damn, that is a special feeling to have.
Nobody doesn't have their problems. I wish I could say the right words to lead others through the storm. Most of the time I just stand in the way. Many people aren't ready for the world outside, I just hope I can be there for them and treat them with the compassion and patience I haven't treated them with.
*end thoughts*
I have developed insomnia because I am scared to wake up.
Maybe tonight I won't wake up?
I might live forever in 'there'.
I don't believe in hell anymore, because there possibly can't be a place worse than this. At the moment I am smiling, I don't know why. Its an external emotion of which I know nothing about, I haven't smiled like this much. Asking myself why I am smiling? I had a good day today. I accept it now. I don't want to question it.
Life was never meant to be easy, nobody ever showed me the way. I was dropped and thrown about. I stumbled against the doors. I was blind at points. Completely blind to the fact I was not the only ones in pain.
I hate the way people obviously thought because I have a some family and friends and because I am 'well off'...I must be happy. What a load of crap.
This last 365 days. Wow. I have matured beyond my own expectations. I speak wiser thoughts than I probably ever wanted to. My experience has lead to my pain.
As I sit here and type. I freestyle out everything I am thinking as I know it helps and I like to come back to it and see that a few people have read it and either enjoyed it or hated it. Either, I don't care. As it helps me and as I just said... its completely unstructured.
As I sit here my body is having trouble breathing because of internal problems, my hands are swollen and cut because of earlier housework and I probably wouldn't mind crying. Yet as I sit here my smile is still covering my face. This smile is not because I am insane and not because I am a sadist. Its a smile of life, I know through this smile I can make others smile back. Momentarily give them a lapse of reason and make them believe for that split second all is well. Damn, that is a special feeling to have.
Nobody doesn't have their problems. I wish I could say the right words to lead others through the storm. Most of the time I just stand in the way. Many people aren't ready for the world outside, I just hope I can be there for them and treat them with the compassion and patience I haven't treated them with.
*end thoughts*
Grix. I think I keep missing buses... what do I do?
"Momentarily give them a lapse of reason"
:0)
All I can say is, don't wait for a bus to come along so you can hop on for a ride, but start building your own transport, because if that bus never comes, you're going to lose faith.
(How very metaphorical of you, Grix.)
I'm in a very metaphorical mood.
:0)
All I can say is, don't wait for a bus to come along so you can hop on for a ride, but start building your own transport, because if that bus never comes, you're going to lose faith.
(How very metaphorical of you, Grix.)
I'm in a very metaphorical mood.
*Yawns and looks at time*
This isnt the right time for me to be reading this.
This isnt the right time for me to be reading this.
I have looked at that wall now for so long. Waiting for something new to appear, a crack or even a smear. Something new to ease the pain of the day. When I wake up, thats when I have my nightmares, sleeping is now when I live.
I have developed insomnia because I am scared to wake up.
Maybe tonight I won't wake up?
I might live forever in 'there'.
I don't believe in hell anymore, because there possibly can't be a place worse than this. At the moment I am smiling, I don't know why. Its an external emotion of which I know nothing about, I haven't smiled like this much. Asking myself why I am smiling? I had a good day today. I accept it now. I don't want to question it.
Life was never meant to be easy, nobody ever showed me the way. I was dropped and thrown about. I stumbled against the doors. I was blind at points. Completely blind to the fact I was not the only ones in pain.
I hate the way people obviously thought because I have a some family and friends and because I am 'well off'...I must be happy. What a load of crap.
This last 365 days. Wow. I have matured beyond my own expectations. I speak wiser thoughts than I probably ever wanted to. My experience has lead to my pain.
As I sit here and type. I freestyle out everything I am thinking as I know it helps and I like to come back to it and see that a few people have read it and either enjoyed it or hated it. Either, I don't care. As it helps me and as I just said... its completely unstructured.
As I sit here my body is having trouble breathing because of internal problems, my hands are swollen and cut because of earlier housework and I probably wouldn't mind crying. Yet as I sit here my smile is still covering my face. This smile is not because I am insane and not because I am a sadist. Its a smile of life, I know through this smile I can make others smile back. Momentarily give them a lapse of reason and make them believe for that split second all is well. Damn, that is a special feeling to have.
Nobody doesn't have their problems. I wish I could say the right words to lead others through the storm. Most of the time I just stand in the way. Many people aren't ready for the world outside, I just hope I can be there for them and treat them with the compassion and patience I haven't treated them with.
*end thoughts*
I have developed insomnia because I am scared to wake up.
Maybe tonight I won't wake up?
I might live forever in 'there'.
I don't believe in hell anymore, because there possibly can't be a place worse than this. At the moment I am smiling, I don't know why. Its an external emotion of which I know nothing about, I haven't smiled like this much. Asking myself why I am smiling? I had a good day today. I accept it now. I don't want to question it.
Life was never meant to be easy, nobody ever showed me the way. I was dropped and thrown about. I stumbled against the doors. I was blind at points. Completely blind to the fact I was not the only ones in pain.
I hate the way people obviously thought because I have a some family and friends and because I am 'well off'...I must be happy. What a load of crap.
This last 365 days. Wow. I have matured beyond my own expectations. I speak wiser thoughts than I probably ever wanted to. My experience has lead to my pain.
As I sit here and type. I freestyle out everything I am thinking as I know it helps and I like to come back to it and see that a few people have read it and either enjoyed it or hated it. Either, I don't care. As it helps me and as I just said... its completely unstructured.
As I sit here my body is having trouble breathing because of internal problems, my hands are swollen and cut because of earlier housework and I probably wouldn't mind crying. Yet as I sit here my smile is still covering my face. This smile is not because I am insane and not because I am a sadist. Its a smile of life, I know through this smile I can make others smile back. Momentarily give them a lapse of reason and make them believe for that split second all is well. Damn, that is a special feeling to have.
Nobody doesn't have their problems. I wish I could say the right words to lead others through the storm. Most of the time I just stand in the way. Many people aren't ready for the world outside, I just hope I can be there for them and treat them with the compassion and patience I haven't treated them with.
*end thoughts*