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I know it looks huge, but it honestly won't take you very long to read and, hopefully, it will be worth the time it takes
*Scene 1*
*SR Towers, somewhere in England*
Loki - So I said "Oh yeah?" and she said "Yeah!"
Mr Snuggly - Wow, really? What happened next?
Loki - I said "OK, I'll do the dishes, dear"
Hybrid Valves - Ah, the SR Christmas party... Is there a better way to spend the season than sending rude emails to each other and dancing on our desks, wearing nothing but a Santa hat?
*Uncomfortable silence*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, I only did that once!
*Tony comes in to address the crowd*
Tony - Settle down, settle down. Now, as you all know, we're doing very well against our competitors
*The crowd cheers*
Tony - So let's all have a good time and get absolutely hammered! Last one to go blind pays the bill!
*Tony mingles in the crowd*
Loki - Hey, Hybrid, where's Mystique?
Hybrid Valves - Oh, she's off powdering her nose... Ah, here she is now
Mystique - Hi, guys
*Tony walks up*
Tony - Hey baby, I'm like, pretty rich
Mystique - Oh be quiet, Tony, I've told you, you're too old!
Tony - But I've got five cars!
Mystique - Really? I'm all yours!
*They walk off hand in hand. Hybrid looks devastated*
Loki - Unlucky, Hybrid
*Scene 2*
*In the car park, a van is backing up towards the main doors leading into SR towers. A man steps out as some others start unloading boxes from the back of the van. They head inside*
*Scene 3*
*Back in the party, Tony is dancing with Mystique*
Hybrid Valves - I can't believe I go to all the trouble of bringing her here, and she runs off with the boss!
Mr Snuggly - Get over it, man
Loki - Yeah, try chatting up schroeder
Hybrid Valves - Na, she doesn't seem interested in me for some reason. I think she's kind of involved with another bloke
Mr Snuggly - (cough) Really? Um, what makes you say that...?
Hybrid Valves - Yeah, that Hercules kid
Mr Snuggly - What?! She said she was MINE!
*Another uncomfortable silence*
Mr Snuggly - Well, she did!
*Through the crowd a small group of people push their way through. One of them jumps onto the desk in front of everyone. He raises his arm and fires the gun in his hand.*
Stryke - Ladies and gentlemen...
*The crowd continues to talk*
*Stryke fires again*
Stryke - Ladies and gentlemen...
*The crowd continues to talk*
*Stryke fires repeatedly*
Grix Thraves - Here, try this
*He hands Stryke an automatic weapon, which he lets loose on the ceiling. Plaster falls down everywhere, but still the crowd continue to talk*
Stryke - I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice... Special Reserve sucks!
*The crowd is shocked into silence*
Stryke - Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, there are several regulars armed with automatic weapons pointed right at you
Hybrid Valves - (craning his neck to see) Where?
Everyone - Shush!
Stryke - Now... where's Tony?
*Tony stops getting off with Mystique and stands up from the table he's at*
Tony - Can't you see I'm busy?!
Stryke - Come this way
Tony - Wait here, Mystique, I'll be back in a minute
Mystique - (staring at Loki with dreamy eyes) Hmm? What was that?
*The armed regulars lead Tony out*
Mr Snuggly - I'm gonna follow them
Loki - What, are you crazy?
Mr Snuggly - I wanna see what happens! If they shoot him, maybe I can fake his will so he leaves all his money to me!
Loki - Good idea, make it so he leaves his cars to me!
*Mr Snuggly sneaks away*
*Scene 4*
*Upstairs in Tony's office, they are sat at Tony's desk*
Tony - What do you want?
Stryke - Newbies...
Tony - You want newbies? Just check the Sony/PS2 forum!
Stryke - No, we want something to happen to the newbies
Tony - What?
Stryke - We want every single newbie on SR forums IP banned. And, we want it to be impossible to join the forums from now on
Tony - You want newbies banned? What kind of regulars are you?
Stryke - Regulars who want to be notables! Well, except Grix... he just hates newbies. Now, we can do this the easy way, whereby you give us access to the SR main computer, or... we'll kill you and get access to it anyway
Tony - I can't do that!
Stryke - I'll give you to the count of three... One...
Tony - You know I can't let you onto the main computer! You'll just have to shoot me!
Stryke - Two...
Tony - I need the toilet
Stryke - Three!
*He shoots Tony in the head, his brain matter splashes against the wall behind him*
Stryke - I hate when they don't agree... OK, get going on the main computer, I want it hacked so we have access to the banning codes!
Grix Thraves - You got it, Stryke
Stryke - That's Kit Fisto to you, sonny!
*Mr Snuggly has been watching the whole thing through the door*
Mr Snuggly - Oh no! Tony's dead! What will I tell his family? What will happen to SR...? (pause) Who'll sign my paycheques!
Stryke - What was that? Go check it out
Mr Snuggly - Uh oh!
*Snuggly runs down the corridor as Grix opens the door*
Grix Thraves - Don't think it was anything, boss
Stryke - OK, get to work hacking those files, I'm gonna go down and talk to the guests
*Scene 5*
*In the main SR room, the staff and guests are huddled together, trembling. Stryke walks through them and into schoeder's office. Snuggly is outside in the corridor, worrying*
Mr Snuggly - I've got to do something! I know, I'll climb through the air conditioning! What the hell, it worked in Die Hard!
*He climbs up into the ventilation shaft*
Mr Snuggly - Urgh! It's filthy in here! What the heck are we paying those cleaners for?
*He starts crawling through*
Mr Snuggly - Why does this sort of thing always happen to ME?
*Meanwhile, back with the party, schroeder approaches Stryke*
schroeder - So you're Stryke, eh? Always pictured you as taller...
Stryke - My name is Kit Fisto! Now... what can I do for you?
schroeder - I have some requests
Stryke - Who died and made you boss?
schroeder - Tony
Stryke - Oh yeah... I really should keep track of who I kill... Anyway, what are these "requests"?
schroeder - We're almost out of beer
Stryke - Um... OK... Phi11ip?
Phi11ip - Yeah?
Stryke - Run down Booze Buster will you? Pick up a few crates
Phi11ip - What if I get asked for ID?
Stryke - (sighs) That's what the *fake* IDs are for!
Phi11ip - Oh yeah, my bad
Stryke - Go, now! Before the guests get restless
*He starts to leave*
schroeder - And get me twenty menthols while you're at it!
*Scene 6*
Mr Snuggly - I have to warn someone! I know, I'll use the phone!
*He picks up the receiver and dials*
Mr Snuggly - Hello? Hello? Hello!? Damn NTL! Nothing ever works! OK... OK, Snuggly... You have to pick GAD wins every day, I'm sure you can handle something as simple as a bunch of regulars taking over SR towers... Oh, who am I kidding?
*The GingerLord walks in*
The GingerLord - Hey, you! Freeze!
Mr Snuggly - Isn't it past your bed time?
The GingerLord - I said freeze!
Mr Snuggly - No... you said "hey, you! Freeze!"
The GingerLord - Shut up!
Mr Snuggly - No, YOU shut up!
The GingerLord - Argh! Be quiet! Come with me!
Mr Snuggly - I know you are, but what am I?
The GingerLord - Eh?
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry, I thought we were continuing with the childish games... OK, it's time for me to beat you up and take your gun now
The GingerLord - It is? Well, OK
*They charge at each other and start slugging it out*
Mr Snuggly - (whilst throwing punches) Curses! I forgot that I'm not actually hard!
The GingerLord - Don't worry, I'm no good in a fight either
Mr Snuggly - Oh, OK
*He stamps on The GingerLord's toe*
The GingerLord - Ow! What'd you do that for?
*Mr Snuggly and The GingerLord start slapping each others arms*
Mr Snuggly - Take that you beast!
The GingerLord - You meanie!
*Ten minutes later, both of them have worn themselves out*
1
Mr Snuggly - Look, I obviously can't knock you out. Do you think you could just give me your gun and, like, go home or something?
The GingerLord - Well... OK, but only if you give me a GAD
Mr Snuggly - Fine, just go
The GingerLord - Hurrah! Here, take it!
*Mr Snuggly takes the sub machine gun and does his best Duke Nukem impression*
Mr Snuggly - Hail to the king... baby
*He walks off*
*Scene 7*
*Stryke is sat in schroeder's office, when the ping of the lift is heard*
Stryke - What was that?
*They go to investigate, and the lift doors open. The GingerLord steps out*
The GingerLord - Yay! I got a GAD! Woo!
Stryke - What the heck?
The GingerLord - Oh, and I have this for you
*He hands Stryke a piece of paper and skips off. Written on it is "Ha ha, now I have a machine gun" Stryke looks puzzled*
Stryke - Wait, this means one of the guests is loose! Grix, take blahpro and Undead and search for this guy!
Grix Thraves - How will we know what he looks like?
Stryke - Well, how many people running around upstairs with a gun can there be?! Go... NOW!
*They rush off*
Stryke - I'm surrounded by morons!
*The hostages look at him*
Stryke - Yes, especially you lot!
*Hybrid begins to cry*
*Scene 8*
*Mr Snuggly is wandering around upstairs. The cleaner comes by, sweeping with a broom*
Cleaner - Can I help you?
Mr Snuggly - What are you doing up here?
Cleaner - I'm taking my cat for a walk
*He pushes a wheelbarrow along, with his cat inside*
Mr Snuggly - Well we've gotta get out of here! Regulars have taken over the building! We've gotta do something!
Cleaner - Who's we? I get paid to clean, and clean I shall
Mr Snuggly - You've gotta help me!
Cleaner - (leaving) Sorry, sunshine, you're on your own
Mr Snuggly - Typical...
*The elevator doors open, and Grix Thraves, Undead and blahpro burst into the room, firing at Mr Snuggly*
Mr Snuggly - (diving for cover) Argh!
*Mr Snuggly hides behind his desk*
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it? OK, think, Snuggers, think... what would Tony do? Dammit, Tony's dead! So much for his "If you're stuck, just do what I would do" speeches! I knew I should've hidden in the bogs for a smoke instead of going... OK, OK.... OK, um, maybe I should try shooting back
*He holds his gun over the desk and starts firing blindly*
Mr Snuggly - Aha! Take this! And that! And some more! C’mon on! Who wants some?
*The regular's shooting stops*
Undead - Should we tell him he's shooting in the wrong direction?
Grix Thraves - Naaa, let him have his fun
Mr Snuggly - They've stopped shooting... I did it! I got them all! Ha ha, take that territorial army! Not let me in because I'm a bad shot, will they?
*Grix taps him on the shoulder. Snuggly turns around*
Mr Snuggly - Yes?
Grix Thraves - Good day to you, we're the regulars who have taken over the building and are trying to kill you
Mr Snuggly - Really...? So... I didn't just shoot you?
Grix Thraves - No
Mr Snuggly - Oh... so, um... who did I shoot?
Grix Thraves - The potted plant, Hybrid's CD collection... and, oh yes, your drinks cabinet
Mr Snuggly - Nooooooo!
Grix Thraves - Now, come with us
Mr Snuggly - OK... but first... LOOK BEHIND YOU!
*Grix turns his head*
Mr Snuggly - Ha! Got you sucka!
*Grix turns back around*
Grix Thraves - You know... that was your cue to run away
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry, my bad. I'm new to this whole hero thing
Grix Thraves - Don't worry about it, I'm an experienced villain, I can see you through it... So... you gonna run or what?
Mr Snuggly - Ah yes, sorry... could you, you know, like, turn around again?
Grix Thraves - Sure thing
Mr Snuggly - Cheers
*Grix turns around and Snuggly legs it*
Grix Thraves - After him!
blahpro - He's heading for the toilets!
Mr Snuggly - (going around the corner) No I'm not!
Grix Thraves - Stop confusing my men!
*Mr Snuggly hides in the staff toilets and puts a chair against the door. Grix starts banging on the door*
Mr Snuggly - Do you mind? I'm trying to have a slash in here
Grix Thraves - Oh, sorry... Wait a minute... Open this door!
*He starts banging on the door again*
Mr Snuggly - What'll I do? What'll I do?
Grix Thraves - Shoot the door down!
Undead - You got it, boss!
Mr Snuggly - Uh oh... I know! There's bound to be some air conditioning I can crawl through in here!
*Mr Snuggly starts opening the cubicle doors one by one and checking to see if there's an air vent. On the last one, when he opens the door Hercules comes tumbling out*
Mr Snuggly - Who the heck are you?
*Hercules gets up and dusts himself off*
Hercules - Hercules! Fake staff member!
Mr Snuggly - Oh... you. What in the name of great Jupiter's butt are you doing here?
Hercules - schroeder smuggled me in, and stuck me in here until after the party. I guess I fell asleep waiting for her to come back
Mr Snuggly - What? Never mind... look, regulars have taken over SR towers
Hercules - I'll ban them with my fake staff powers!
Mr Snuggly - Oh shut up! And what the heck are you wearing? Is that an SR staff uniform?
Hercules - Yeah, I made it myself! Pretty good, isn't it?
*Suddenly bullets start flying all over the place*
Mr Snuggly - Argh! They're coming through! Aha, there's an air vent in here, quick, get up!
*Mr Snuggly throws Hercules up into the air vent then climbs in himself, just as Grix Thraves kicks the door down and they come running in*
Grix Thraves - Right, you mother- Hey, where'd he go?
Undead - Maybe he's in the air conditioning vents
Grix Thraves - Don't be stupid! Only an IDIOT would crawl through those things... Wait, you're right! Get up there, blahpro!
blahpro - What? Why?
Grix Thraves - Just do it!
*Scene 9*
*Crawling through the air conditioning, Mr Snuggly stops*
Mr Snuggly - Eeeeew... Have you farted?
Hercules - Oh, sorry... forgot someone was behind me
Mr Snuggly - (gasping) I've gotta get outta here! That mings!
Hercules - I see a light ahead of us, just a little further
Mr Snuggly - It had better be! Your feet stink too!
*Scene 10*
*In schroeder's office, Stryke is sat, talking into his radio*
Stryke - Grix, do you read me?
Grix Thraves - Yeah?
Stryke - Have you found that guy upstairs?
Grix Thraves - No... but I think I know who he is
Stryke - How?
Grix Thraves - I saw a name tag on his shirt... said "Mr Snuggly"
Stryke - My God... this is worse than I thought! Get some more men to help you, we can't have a staff member running around messing things up!
*Stryke adjusts the frequency*
Stryke - How's the hacking going?
Mr Happy - Yeah, it's going good, got through most of the firewalls
Stryke - How long till you have full access to the SR computer?
Mr Happy - About half an hour
Stryke - Excellent...
*Someone knocks on the door*
Stryke - What do YOU want?
Hybrid Valves - I can get you Mr Snuggly
Stryke - Aaaah... and you would grass on your friend and colleague... why?
Hybrid Valves - Hey, I'm missing Eastenders, I wanna get home as much as everyone else here. I figure the sooner that guy stops wasting your time, the sooner we get out and I get my fix of cockney losers
Stryke - How do you propose you do that?
Hybrid Valves - There's a speaker system that Tony used to address the whole building, give us motivational speeches and make us look for his keys. I can get on that and convince Snuggly to come quietly
Stryke - Do it
*Hybrid picks up a microphone. All over the building speakers project his voice*
Hybrid Valves - Mr Snuggly, Hybrid Valves here... We want you to stop all this nonsense and come on home. Now, Stryke has a gun to my head, and if you don't reply, he's gonna shoot me... Did you hear me Snuggly? He's gonna KILL me if you don't reply over the intercom.
*Stryke raises the gun*
Hybrid Valves - (whispering) That's a good touch
*Stryke smiles*
Hybrid Valves - Listen, Snuggers, just stop wasting this guy's time and come on down. Please, Snuggly, he's got a gun to my head! All you've gotta do is say something... ANYTHING! Please, Snuggly! Please!
*Pause*
Stryke - Sorry, guess he doesn't value your life
*Stryke fires*
Hybrid Valves - Ouch! That hur-
*Hybrid keels over and collapses on the floor*
*In the air conditioning*
Mr Snuggly - Did you hear something?
Hercules - Na, I didn't hear anything
Mr Snuggly - Ah well, it was probably nothing... come on, hurry up, I'm almost passing out back here!
*Scene 11*
Stryke - Now, what do I do about that Snuggly bloke... I know!
*He heads out the door to talk to the still cowering crowd*
Stryke - schroeder... Please, come with me
*schroeder looks calm as she walks to the front*
Stryke - As you can see, your work mate Hybrid Valves is lying, dead, on your floor. Let this be a lesson that I have no problem killing anyone here. Now, since Snuggly didn't seem to care about HIM, how about YOU try? Now, is there a way of showing a video in the building?
schroeder - Yeah, Tony had TVs all over the building so he could watch porno anywhere, even in the toilets
Stryke - I see... OK, we're going to get a camera and you're going to plead with Mr Snuggly for him to come down
schroeder - And if I refuse?
Stryke - I'll shoot you
*schroeder scoffs*
Stryke - And bury you with Hybrid
schroeder - Argh! OK, I'll do it, I'll do it
Stryke - Excellent... Grix, come in. Grix, I want you to check the security cameras... when Snuggly shows up on one of them to watch the TV, go there and shoot him...
Grix Thraves - You got it
*Scene 12*
*Hercules and Mr Snuggly drop out of a vent and into a large, dark room*
Hercules - Where are we?
Mr Snuggly - Store room
Hercules - (getting excited) You mean this room is FULL of games and DVDs?
Mr Snuggly - No, this is where Tony keeps his cars
Hercules - Hey, what's that?
*Hercules points to a TV monitor, where schroeder is shown. They walk over*
schroeder - Snuggly? I hope you can see this, they've killed Hybrid Valves!
Mr Snuggly - Noooo! He owed me a fiver!
schroeder - And they're going to kill me too, that is, if you don't co-operate
Hercules - Nooooo! My precious schroeder!
schroeder - They want you to come down to my office and turn yourself in. You're really annoying them
*Stryke can be heard whispering off-camera*
schroeder - What? OK, OK... (flatly) Also, Stryke is the man, he rules, and one day he will be president of the world... Oh, and I smell
*Stryke can be heard laughing, then the TV goes off*
Hercules - We've got to save her!
Mr Snuggly - I know, I know, but I can't turn myself in, they'll, like, hit me or something
Hercules - Well, they're expecting YOU, not the both of us
Mr Snuggly - You're right, we can surprise the-
*Suddenly Grix starts shooting at them. Mr Snuggly and Hercules dive for cover behind Tony's various cars*
Grix Thraves - You'll never get out of this alive, Snuggly! You should've given me those GADs when you had the chance!
Mr Snuggly - Never!
Grix Thraves - You asked for it!
*Grix throws a grenade and it lands in Mr Snuggly's lap*
Mr Snuggly - Oh poop
*He dives away, in slow motion, just as it explodes. Flames have engulfed Tony's many cars*
Mr Snuggly - Leg it!
Hercules - Way ahead of ya!
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, you are, slow down!
Hercules - Quick, into the air conditioning!
Mr Snuggly - Hang on, let me grab a gas mask first!
*Scene 13*
*There is some rummaging above Stryke, and he looks up. Suddenly Hercules and Mr Snuggly come crashing down onto the desk*
Stryke - Ah, Mr Snuggly I presume? So nice of you to "drop in"
*boom boom teesh*
Stryke - I take it you're here to save schroeder, was I not misinformed?
Mr Snuggly - Eh? Anyway, get your hands up! As you can see there are two of us, and we both have guns
*Hercules coughs*
Hercules - Um, actually I don't have one
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry, here you go
*He hands Hercules a handgun*
Hercules - Cheers
*Hercules turns around and points the gun at Mr Snuggly*
Mr Snuggly - Um, what are you doing?
Hercules - Sorry, Snuggers, but you trusted the wrong fake staff member
Mr Snuggly - What do you mean?
Hercules - I'm working for Stryke here
Mr Snuggly - But... why?
Hercules - He's promised to make me an official staff member
Mr Snuggly - But he's going to kill schroeder!
Hercules - Oh, please! Being a staff member is far more important to me than that slapper!
schroeder - What?!
Stryke - Now, Mr Snuggly, we shall discuss you wasting my time and making this spoof twice as long as it should've been
*Stryke's radio crackles*
Mr Happy - Stryke? I've done it, we have full access to the SR computer
Stryke - Excellent. Give Hercules the powers we promised him and get all the newbies IP banned. Lock out the joining page and make us all regulars
Mr Snuggly - You'll never get away with this, Stryke
Stryke - (does his smug look) I already have... Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to depart and get back to winning those GADs
Mr Snuggly - But you've shot Tony, killed Hybrid, blown up a load of Tony's cars and threatened me... what makes you think I'll ever pick any of your posts and reviews ever again?
Stryke - I... I never thought of that... Noooooooo!
*Stryke drops to his knees just as Mr Snuggly pulls the gun out of Hercules' hands, and shoots Grix, Hercules and finally Stryke in a single movement. Grix and Hercules drop down dead, and Stryke stares at the bullet hole in his chest*
Stryke - But... I'm Kit Fisto... you can't kill... me
*schroeder runs up to Hercules, kicks him, then runs up to Mr Snuggly and puts her arms around him*
schroeder - My hero!
Mr Snuggly - Gimme some sugar, baby
schroeder - Excuse me?
Mr Snuggly - Well, it worked in Evil Dead 3
The End
Well, congratulations, you managed to read the whole thing, well done. Hope you enjoyed it
*Scene 1*
*SR Towers, somewhere in England*
Loki - So I said "Oh yeah?" and she said "Yeah!"
Mr Snuggly - Wow, really? What happened next?
Loki - I said "OK, I'll do the dishes, dear"
Hybrid Valves - Ah, the SR Christmas party... Is there a better way to spend the season than sending rude emails to each other and dancing on our desks, wearing nothing but a Santa hat?
*Uncomfortable silence*
Mr Snuggly - Hey, I only did that once!
*Tony comes in to address the crowd*
Tony - Settle down, settle down. Now, as you all know, we're doing very well against our competitors
*The crowd cheers*
Tony - So let's all have a good time and get absolutely hammered! Last one to go blind pays the bill!
*Tony mingles in the crowd*
Loki - Hey, Hybrid, where's Mystique?
Hybrid Valves - Oh, she's off powdering her nose... Ah, here she is now
Mystique - Hi, guys
*Tony walks up*
Tony - Hey baby, I'm like, pretty rich
Mystique - Oh be quiet, Tony, I've told you, you're too old!
Tony - But I've got five cars!
Mystique - Really? I'm all yours!
*They walk off hand in hand. Hybrid looks devastated*
Loki - Unlucky, Hybrid
*Scene 2*
*In the car park, a van is backing up towards the main doors leading into SR towers. A man steps out as some others start unloading boxes from the back of the van. They head inside*
*Scene 3*
*Back in the party, Tony is dancing with Mystique*
Hybrid Valves - I can't believe I go to all the trouble of bringing her here, and she runs off with the boss!
Mr Snuggly - Get over it, man
Loki - Yeah, try chatting up schroeder
Hybrid Valves - Na, she doesn't seem interested in me for some reason. I think she's kind of involved with another bloke
Mr Snuggly - (cough) Really? Um, what makes you say that...?
Hybrid Valves - Yeah, that Hercules kid
Mr Snuggly - What?! She said she was MINE!
*Another uncomfortable silence*
Mr Snuggly - Well, she did!
*Through the crowd a small group of people push their way through. One of them jumps onto the desk in front of everyone. He raises his arm and fires the gun in his hand.*
Stryke - Ladies and gentlemen...
*The crowd continues to talk*
*Stryke fires again*
Stryke - Ladies and gentlemen...
*The crowd continues to talk*
*Stryke fires repeatedly*
Grix Thraves - Here, try this
*He hands Stryke an automatic weapon, which he lets loose on the ceiling. Plaster falls down everywhere, but still the crowd continue to talk*
Stryke - I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice... Special Reserve sucks!
*The crowd is shocked into silence*
Stryke - Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, there are several regulars armed with automatic weapons pointed right at you
Hybrid Valves - (craning his neck to see) Where?
Everyone - Shush!
Stryke - Now... where's Tony?
*Tony stops getting off with Mystique and stands up from the table he's at*
Tony - Can't you see I'm busy?!
Stryke - Come this way
Tony - Wait here, Mystique, I'll be back in a minute
Mystique - (staring at Loki with dreamy eyes) Hmm? What was that?
*The armed regulars lead Tony out*
Mr Snuggly - I'm gonna follow them
Loki - What, are you crazy?
Mr Snuggly - I wanna see what happens! If they shoot him, maybe I can fake his will so he leaves all his money to me!
Loki - Good idea, make it so he leaves his cars to me!
*Mr Snuggly sneaks away*
*Scene 4*
*Upstairs in Tony's office, they are sat at Tony's desk*
Tony - What do you want?
Stryke - Newbies...
Tony - You want newbies? Just check the Sony/PS2 forum!
Stryke - No, we want something to happen to the newbies
Tony - What?
Stryke - We want every single newbie on SR forums IP banned. And, we want it to be impossible to join the forums from now on
Tony - You want newbies banned? What kind of regulars are you?
Stryke - Regulars who want to be notables! Well, except Grix... he just hates newbies. Now, we can do this the easy way, whereby you give us access to the SR main computer, or... we'll kill you and get access to it anyway
Tony - I can't do that!
Stryke - I'll give you to the count of three... One...
Tony - You know I can't let you onto the main computer! You'll just have to shoot me!
Stryke - Two...
Tony - I need the toilet
Stryke - Three!
*He shoots Tony in the head, his brain matter splashes against the wall behind him*
Stryke - I hate when they don't agree... OK, get going on the main computer, I want it hacked so we have access to the banning codes!
Grix Thraves - You got it, Stryke
Stryke - That's Kit Fisto to you, sonny!
*Mr Snuggly has been watching the whole thing through the door*
Mr Snuggly - Oh no! Tony's dead! What will I tell his family? What will happen to SR...? (pause) Who'll sign my paycheques!
Stryke - What was that? Go check it out
Mr Snuggly - Uh oh!
*Snuggly runs down the corridor as Grix opens the door*
Grix Thraves - Don't think it was anything, boss
Stryke - OK, get to work hacking those files, I'm gonna go down and talk to the guests
*Scene 5*
*In the main SR room, the staff and guests are huddled together, trembling. Stryke walks through them and into schoeder's office. Snuggly is outside in the corridor, worrying*
Mr Snuggly - I've got to do something! I know, I'll climb through the air conditioning! What the hell, it worked in Die Hard!
*He climbs up into the ventilation shaft*
Mr Snuggly - Urgh! It's filthy in here! What the heck are we paying those cleaners for?
*He starts crawling through*
Mr Snuggly - Why does this sort of thing always happen to ME?
*Meanwhile, back with the party, schroeder approaches Stryke*
schroeder - So you're Stryke, eh? Always pictured you as taller...
Stryke - My name is Kit Fisto! Now... what can I do for you?
schroeder - I have some requests
Stryke - Who died and made you boss?
schroeder - Tony
Stryke - Oh yeah... I really should keep track of who I kill... Anyway, what are these "requests"?
schroeder - We're almost out of beer
Stryke - Um... OK... Phi11ip?
Phi11ip - Yeah?
Stryke - Run down Booze Buster will you? Pick up a few crates
Phi11ip - What if I get asked for ID?
Stryke - (sighs) That's what the *fake* IDs are for!
Phi11ip - Oh yeah, my bad
Stryke - Go, now! Before the guests get restless
*He starts to leave*
schroeder - And get me twenty menthols while you're at it!
*Scene 6*
Mr Snuggly - I have to warn someone! I know, I'll use the phone!
*He picks up the receiver and dials*
Mr Snuggly - Hello? Hello? Hello!? Damn NTL! Nothing ever works! OK... OK, Snuggly... You have to pick GAD wins every day, I'm sure you can handle something as simple as a bunch of regulars taking over SR towers... Oh, who am I kidding?
*The GingerLord walks in*
The GingerLord - Hey, you! Freeze!
Mr Snuggly - Isn't it past your bed time?
The GingerLord - I said freeze!
Mr Snuggly - No... you said "hey, you! Freeze!"
The GingerLord - Shut up!
Mr Snuggly - No, YOU shut up!
The GingerLord - Argh! Be quiet! Come with me!
Mr Snuggly - I know you are, but what am I?
The GingerLord - Eh?
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry, I thought we were continuing with the childish games... OK, it's time for me to beat you up and take your gun now
The GingerLord - It is? Well, OK
*They charge at each other and start slugging it out*
Mr Snuggly - (whilst throwing punches) Curses! I forgot that I'm not actually hard!
The GingerLord - Don't worry, I'm no good in a fight either
Mr Snuggly - Oh, OK
*He stamps on The GingerLord's toe*
The GingerLord - Ow! What'd you do that for?
*Mr Snuggly and The GingerLord start slapping each others arms*
Mr Snuggly - Take that you beast!
The GingerLord - You meanie!
*Ten minutes later, both of them have worn themselves out*
1
Mr Snuggly - Look, I obviously can't knock you out. Do you think you could just give me your gun and, like, go home or something?
The GingerLord - Well... OK, but only if you give me a GAD
Mr Snuggly - Fine, just go
The GingerLord - Hurrah! Here, take it!
*Mr Snuggly takes the sub machine gun and does his best Duke Nukem impression*
Mr Snuggly - Hail to the king... baby
*He walks off*
*Scene 7*
*Stryke is sat in schroeder's office, when the ping of the lift is heard*
Stryke - What was that?
*They go to investigate, and the lift doors open. The GingerLord steps out*
The GingerLord - Yay! I got a GAD! Woo!
Stryke - What the heck?
The GingerLord - Oh, and I have this for you
*He hands Stryke a piece of paper and skips off. Written on it is "Ha ha, now I have a machine gun" Stryke looks puzzled*
Stryke - Wait, this means one of the guests is loose! Grix, take blahpro and Undead and search for this guy!
Grix Thraves - How will we know what he looks like?
Stryke - Well, how many people running around upstairs with a gun can there be?! Go... NOW!
*They rush off*
Stryke - I'm surrounded by morons!
*The hostages look at him*
Stryke - Yes, especially you lot!
*Hybrid begins to cry*
*Scene 8*
*Mr Snuggly is wandering around upstairs. The cleaner comes by, sweeping with a broom*
Cleaner - Can I help you?
Mr Snuggly - What are you doing up here?
Cleaner - I'm taking my cat for a walk
*He pushes a wheelbarrow along, with his cat inside*
Mr Snuggly - Well we've gotta get out of here! Regulars have taken over the building! We've gotta do something!
Cleaner - Who's we? I get paid to clean, and clean I shall
Mr Snuggly - You've gotta help me!
Cleaner - (leaving) Sorry, sunshine, you're on your own
Mr Snuggly - Typical...
*The elevator doors open, and Grix Thraves, Undead and blahpro burst into the room, firing at Mr Snuggly*
Mr Snuggly - (diving for cover) Argh!
*Mr Snuggly hides behind his desk*
Mr Snuggly - Had to happen to me, didn't it? OK, think, Snuggers, think... what would Tony do? Dammit, Tony's dead! So much for his "If you're stuck, just do what I would do" speeches! I knew I should've hidden in the bogs for a smoke instead of going... OK, OK.... OK, um, maybe I should try shooting back
*He holds his gun over the desk and starts firing blindly*
Mr Snuggly - Aha! Take this! And that! And some more! C’mon on! Who wants some?
*The regular's shooting stops*
Undead - Should we tell him he's shooting in the wrong direction?
Grix Thraves - Naaa, let him have his fun
Mr Snuggly - They've stopped shooting... I did it! I got them all! Ha ha, take that territorial army! Not let me in because I'm a bad shot, will they?
*Grix taps him on the shoulder. Snuggly turns around*
Mr Snuggly - Yes?
Grix Thraves - Good day to you, we're the regulars who have taken over the building and are trying to kill you
Mr Snuggly - Really...? So... I didn't just shoot you?
Grix Thraves - No
Mr Snuggly - Oh... so, um... who did I shoot?
Grix Thraves - The potted plant, Hybrid's CD collection... and, oh yes, your drinks cabinet
Mr Snuggly - Nooooooo!
Grix Thraves - Now, come with us
Mr Snuggly - OK... but first... LOOK BEHIND YOU!
*Grix turns his head*
Mr Snuggly - Ha! Got you sucka!
*Grix turns back around*
Grix Thraves - You know... that was your cue to run away
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry, my bad. I'm new to this whole hero thing
Grix Thraves - Don't worry about it, I'm an experienced villain, I can see you through it... So... you gonna run or what?
Mr Snuggly - Ah yes, sorry... could you, you know, like, turn around again?
Grix Thraves - Sure thing
Mr Snuggly - Cheers
*Grix turns around and Snuggly legs it*
Grix Thraves - After him!
blahpro - He's heading for the toilets!
Mr Snuggly - (going around the corner) No I'm not!
Grix Thraves - Stop confusing my men!
*Mr Snuggly hides in the staff toilets and puts a chair against the door. Grix starts banging on the door*
Mr Snuggly - Do you mind? I'm trying to have a slash in here
Grix Thraves - Oh, sorry... Wait a minute... Open this door!
*He starts banging on the door again*
Mr Snuggly - What'll I do? What'll I do?
Grix Thraves - Shoot the door down!
Undead - You got it, boss!
Mr Snuggly - Uh oh... I know! There's bound to be some air conditioning I can crawl through in here!
*Mr Snuggly starts opening the cubicle doors one by one and checking to see if there's an air vent. On the last one, when he opens the door Hercules comes tumbling out*
Mr Snuggly - Who the heck are you?
*Hercules gets up and dusts himself off*
Hercules - Hercules! Fake staff member!
Mr Snuggly - Oh... you. What in the name of great Jupiter's butt are you doing here?
Hercules - schroeder smuggled me in, and stuck me in here until after the party. I guess I fell asleep waiting for her to come back
Mr Snuggly - What? Never mind... look, regulars have taken over SR towers
Hercules - I'll ban them with my fake staff powers!
Mr Snuggly - Oh shut up! And what the heck are you wearing? Is that an SR staff uniform?
Hercules - Yeah, I made it myself! Pretty good, isn't it?
*Suddenly bullets start flying all over the place*
Mr Snuggly - Argh! They're coming through! Aha, there's an air vent in here, quick, get up!
*Mr Snuggly throws Hercules up into the air vent then climbs in himself, just as Grix Thraves kicks the door down and they come running in*
Grix Thraves - Right, you mother- Hey, where'd he go?
Undead - Maybe he's in the air conditioning vents
Grix Thraves - Don't be stupid! Only an IDIOT would crawl through those things... Wait, you're right! Get up there, blahpro!
blahpro - What? Why?
Grix Thraves - Just do it!
*Scene 9*
*Crawling through the air conditioning, Mr Snuggly stops*
Mr Snuggly - Eeeeew... Have you farted?
Hercules - Oh, sorry... forgot someone was behind me
Mr Snuggly - (gasping) I've gotta get outta here! That mings!
Hercules - I see a light ahead of us, just a little further
Mr Snuggly - It had better be! Your feet stink too!
*Scene 10*
*In schroeder's office, Stryke is sat, talking into his radio*
Stryke - Grix, do you read me?
Grix Thraves - Yeah?
Stryke - Have you found that guy upstairs?
Grix Thraves - No... but I think I know who he is
Stryke - How?
Grix Thraves - I saw a name tag on his shirt... said "Mr Snuggly"
Stryke - My God... this is worse than I thought! Get some more men to help you, we can't have a staff member running around messing things up!
*Stryke adjusts the frequency*
Stryke - How's the hacking going?
Mr Happy - Yeah, it's going good, got through most of the firewalls
Stryke - How long till you have full access to the SR computer?
Mr Happy - About half an hour
Stryke - Excellent...
*Someone knocks on the door*
Stryke - What do YOU want?
Hybrid Valves - I can get you Mr Snuggly
Stryke - Aaaah... and you would grass on your friend and colleague... why?
Hybrid Valves - Hey, I'm missing Eastenders, I wanna get home as much as everyone else here. I figure the sooner that guy stops wasting your time, the sooner we get out and I get my fix of cockney losers
Stryke - How do you propose you do that?
Hybrid Valves - There's a speaker system that Tony used to address the whole building, give us motivational speeches and make us look for his keys. I can get on that and convince Snuggly to come quietly
Stryke - Do it
*Hybrid picks up a microphone. All over the building speakers project his voice*
Hybrid Valves - Mr Snuggly, Hybrid Valves here... We want you to stop all this nonsense and come on home. Now, Stryke has a gun to my head, and if you don't reply, he's gonna shoot me... Did you hear me Snuggly? He's gonna KILL me if you don't reply over the intercom.
*Stryke raises the gun*
Hybrid Valves - (whispering) That's a good touch
*Stryke smiles*
Hybrid Valves - Listen, Snuggers, just stop wasting this guy's time and come on down. Please, Snuggly, he's got a gun to my head! All you've gotta do is say something... ANYTHING! Please, Snuggly! Please!
*Pause*
Stryke - Sorry, guess he doesn't value your life
*Stryke fires*
Hybrid Valves - Ouch! That hur-
*Hybrid keels over and collapses on the floor*
*In the air conditioning*
Mr Snuggly - Did you hear something?
Hercules - Na, I didn't hear anything
Mr Snuggly - Ah well, it was probably nothing... come on, hurry up, I'm almost passing out back here!
*Scene 11*
Stryke - Now, what do I do about that Snuggly bloke... I know!
*He heads out the door to talk to the still cowering crowd*
Stryke - schroeder... Please, come with me
*schroeder looks calm as she walks to the front*
Stryke - As you can see, your work mate Hybrid Valves is lying, dead, on your floor. Let this be a lesson that I have no problem killing anyone here. Now, since Snuggly didn't seem to care about HIM, how about YOU try? Now, is there a way of showing a video in the building?
schroeder - Yeah, Tony had TVs all over the building so he could watch porno anywhere, even in the toilets
Stryke - I see... OK, we're going to get a camera and you're going to plead with Mr Snuggly for him to come down
schroeder - And if I refuse?
Stryke - I'll shoot you
*schroeder scoffs*
Stryke - And bury you with Hybrid
schroeder - Argh! OK, I'll do it, I'll do it
Stryke - Excellent... Grix, come in. Grix, I want you to check the security cameras... when Snuggly shows up on one of them to watch the TV, go there and shoot him...
Grix Thraves - You got it
*Scene 12*
*Hercules and Mr Snuggly drop out of a vent and into a large, dark room*
Hercules - Where are we?
Mr Snuggly - Store room
Hercules - (getting excited) You mean this room is FULL of games and DVDs?
Mr Snuggly - No, this is where Tony keeps his cars
Hercules - Hey, what's that?
*Hercules points to a TV monitor, where schroeder is shown. They walk over*
schroeder - Snuggly? I hope you can see this, they've killed Hybrid Valves!
Mr Snuggly - Noooo! He owed me a fiver!
schroeder - And they're going to kill me too, that is, if you don't co-operate
Hercules - Nooooo! My precious schroeder!
schroeder - They want you to come down to my office and turn yourself in. You're really annoying them
*Stryke can be heard whispering off-camera*
schroeder - What? OK, OK... (flatly) Also, Stryke is the man, he rules, and one day he will be president of the world... Oh, and I smell
*Stryke can be heard laughing, then the TV goes off*
Hercules - We've got to save her!
Mr Snuggly - I know, I know, but I can't turn myself in, they'll, like, hit me or something
Hercules - Well, they're expecting YOU, not the both of us
Mr Snuggly - You're right, we can surprise the-
*Suddenly Grix starts shooting at them. Mr Snuggly and Hercules dive for cover behind Tony's various cars*
Grix Thraves - You'll never get out of this alive, Snuggly! You should've given me those GADs when you had the chance!
Mr Snuggly - Never!
Grix Thraves - You asked for it!
*Grix throws a grenade and it lands in Mr Snuggly's lap*
Mr Snuggly - Oh poop
*He dives away, in slow motion, just as it explodes. Flames have engulfed Tony's many cars*
Mr Snuggly - Leg it!
Hercules - Way ahead of ya!
Mr Snuggly - Yeah, you are, slow down!
Hercules - Quick, into the air conditioning!
Mr Snuggly - Hang on, let me grab a gas mask first!
*Scene 13*
*There is some rummaging above Stryke, and he looks up. Suddenly Hercules and Mr Snuggly come crashing down onto the desk*
Stryke - Ah, Mr Snuggly I presume? So nice of you to "drop in"
*boom boom teesh*
Stryke - I take it you're here to save schroeder, was I not misinformed?
Mr Snuggly - Eh? Anyway, get your hands up! As you can see there are two of us, and we both have guns
*Hercules coughs*
Hercules - Um, actually I don't have one
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry, here you go
*He hands Hercules a handgun*
Hercules - Cheers
*Hercules turns around and points the gun at Mr Snuggly*
Mr Snuggly - Um, what are you doing?
Hercules - Sorry, Snuggers, but you trusted the wrong fake staff member
Mr Snuggly - What do you mean?
Hercules - I'm working for Stryke here
Mr Snuggly - But... why?
Hercules - He's promised to make me an official staff member
Mr Snuggly - But he's going to kill schroeder!
Hercules - Oh, please! Being a staff member is far more important to me than that slapper!
schroeder - What?!
Stryke - Now, Mr Snuggly, we shall discuss you wasting my time and making this spoof twice as long as it should've been
*Stryke's radio crackles*
Mr Happy - Stryke? I've done it, we have full access to the SR computer
Stryke - Excellent. Give Hercules the powers we promised him and get all the newbies IP banned. Lock out the joining page and make us all regulars
Mr Snuggly - You'll never get away with this, Stryke
Stryke - (does his smug look) I already have... Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to depart and get back to winning those GADs
Mr Snuggly - But you've shot Tony, killed Hybrid, blown up a load of Tony's cars and threatened me... what makes you think I'll ever pick any of your posts and reviews ever again?
Stryke - I... I never thought of that... Noooooooo!
*Stryke drops to his knees just as Mr Snuggly pulls the gun out of Hercules' hands, and shoots Grix, Hercules and finally Stryke in a single movement. Grix and Hercules drop down dead, and Stryke stares at the bullet hole in his chest*
Stryke - But... I'm Kit Fisto... you can't kill... me
*schroeder runs up to Hercules, kicks him, then runs up to Mr Snuggly and puts her arms around him*
schroeder - My hero!
Mr Snuggly - Gimme some sugar, baby
schroeder - Excuse me?
Mr Snuggly - Well, it worked in Evil Dead 3
The End
Well, congratulations, you managed to read the whole thing, well done. Hope you enjoyed it
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well i hadnt seen it for a few years so i was a little hazy, but when i realised i kicked myself
aninem wrote:
i didnt realise it was meant to be die hard
--------
So the title, the thing with a party where a guy comes in and shoots the boss, the whole one man crawling through the air conditioning saving the day... None of these clued you in? ;) Heh
i didnt realise it was meant to be die hard
--------
So the title, the thing with a party where a guy comes in and shoots the boss, the whole one man crawling through the air conditioning saving the day... None of these clued you in? ;) Heh
aninem wrote:
> great spoof although i didnt realise it was meant to be die hard
> until, eeeeeeerrrrrrmmmmm around 5 mins after i finished reading it
>
>
> please dont call me an idiot
YOU IDIOT
*remembers hes talking about himself and turns red*
> great spoof although i didnt realise it was meant to be die hard
> until, eeeeeeerrrrrrmmmmm around 5 mins after i finished reading it
>
>
> please dont call me an idiot
YOU IDIOT
*remembers hes talking about himself and turns red*
great spoof although i didnt realise it was meant to be die hard until, eeeeeeerrrrrrmmmmm around 5 mins after i finished reading it
please dont call me an idiot
please dont call me an idiot
Cheers all
Already planning the next one in me head, I'll start work on it after my exams on Thursday probably
Already planning the next one in me head, I'll start work on it after my exams on Thursday probably
well done mojojojo.
great story
great story
Great spoof Mojo, definately deserved the win. Incredibly funny too.
Well done
:D
Well done
:D
Well done; fnally a Mojo spoof has won. But I don't know why they wrote staff story on the winners list....
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