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"Ooh the Jubilee, that'll be fun won't it. Oh hooray for the Queen. Ooh, it's all so exciting..."
Those words would be the words of an idiot. I find nothing in the Jubilee of any interest at all. There's football and drinking and an excuse to spend a Monday playing video games. But I couldn't give a half-sucked gobstopper about the royal family. If the Queen wants to get my attention (which I'm sure she does) she should commission some Jubilee video games. So it you're reading, your high-ness, how about some games like:
1)LIZZIES MANSION
You play Lizzie on a quest set in Buckingham Palace. Since the death of the Queen Mum, the huge house has become haunted by spooky royal ghosts. You must don your royal green-dungarees and hunt down the Queen Mummy and Lady Die to make sure the mansion is de-spooked in time for the big Jubilee Bash.
2)GTA: ROYAL REBELLION
You play GTA (Gangsta Teenaja 'Arry) on a crime spree through the district of Windsor & Eton. You can steal rowing boats, bicycles and horses. You can rob tourists and cane 'fags'. Eventually you will be prepared for the ultimate drug-dealing, cash-making opportunity, as 50,000 revellers come to party in your back garden. Aiight.
3)PRANCE PRANCE 2K2 (CHARLIE MIX)
This would be a dance-mat compatible Jubilee game. Oh yes. You play Prince Charles dancing in the crowds of the Jubilee celebrations. You must go and prance with a diverse selection of the community to make a point of your political correctness. This will thus involve jigging and jiving to hip-hop, garage, bhangra, reggae, country & western, deth metal, hardcore techno, teen pop and bagpipe-brass drum'n'bass fusion.
4)STATE OF EMERJUBILEE
A little bit like State of Emergency, but set in the grounds of the Palace during the massive Jubilee party. You can choose to play any member of the royal family and embark on a huge royal killing spree. There will be innocents, policemen, ceremonial uniform soldiers, corgis, tourists and pop-stars. And to slaughter them: royal sceptres, swords, shotguns, flamethrowers, foxhounds and spiked-crown headbutts.
5)CRAZY TAXI-CARRIAGE
You play the role of a royal chauffeur. There is variety of absurd-looking modified Jags and Rollers to choose from. You must take various members of the royal family to specified locations within specified time limits. You may have to drive through crowds of people, and smash through expensively manicured gardens, and battle through London traffic... but you can bring in the bucks if you do.
6)WWF: ROYAL RUMBLE
In Well-off Women Fighting, you get to choose from a variety of naked female royals to compete in a big Jubilee fight. It's a no holds barred fighting sim with the crown jewels at stake. Moves include 'Royal Wave', 'Courtesy Block', 'Poke-in-the-Eye', 'Knighting-sword Pat' and 'Extreme Posh Sonic Boom'.
Alternatively, the royals could go on a version of Big Brother for the next ten years. That would make some entertaining TV viewing. Or even Royal Survivor... they could eat crab poo and hunt lizards for 6 months (on a cold, remote Scottish island), and the public could vote them out of the royal family each week. Mwuha ha ha.
Those words would be the words of an idiot. I find nothing in the Jubilee of any interest at all. There's football and drinking and an excuse to spend a Monday playing video games. But I couldn't give a half-sucked gobstopper about the royal family. If the Queen wants to get my attention (which I'm sure she does) she should commission some Jubilee video games. So it you're reading, your high-ness, how about some games like:
1)LIZZIES MANSION
You play Lizzie on a quest set in Buckingham Palace. Since the death of the Queen Mum, the huge house has become haunted by spooky royal ghosts. You must don your royal green-dungarees and hunt down the Queen Mummy and Lady Die to make sure the mansion is de-spooked in time for the big Jubilee Bash.
2)GTA: ROYAL REBELLION
You play GTA (Gangsta Teenaja 'Arry) on a crime spree through the district of Windsor & Eton. You can steal rowing boats, bicycles and horses. You can rob tourists and cane 'fags'. Eventually you will be prepared for the ultimate drug-dealing, cash-making opportunity, as 50,000 revellers come to party in your back garden. Aiight.
3)PRANCE PRANCE 2K2 (CHARLIE MIX)
This would be a dance-mat compatible Jubilee game. Oh yes. You play Prince Charles dancing in the crowds of the Jubilee celebrations. You must go and prance with a diverse selection of the community to make a point of your political correctness. This will thus involve jigging and jiving to hip-hop, garage, bhangra, reggae, country & western, deth metal, hardcore techno, teen pop and bagpipe-brass drum'n'bass fusion.
4)STATE OF EMERJUBILEE
A little bit like State of Emergency, but set in the grounds of the Palace during the massive Jubilee party. You can choose to play any member of the royal family and embark on a huge royal killing spree. There will be innocents, policemen, ceremonial uniform soldiers, corgis, tourists and pop-stars. And to slaughter them: royal sceptres, swords, shotguns, flamethrowers, foxhounds and spiked-crown headbutts.
5)CRAZY TAXI-CARRIAGE
You play the role of a royal chauffeur. There is variety of absurd-looking modified Jags and Rollers to choose from. You must take various members of the royal family to specified locations within specified time limits. You may have to drive through crowds of people, and smash through expensively manicured gardens, and battle through London traffic... but you can bring in the bucks if you do.
6)WWF: ROYAL RUMBLE
In Well-off Women Fighting, you get to choose from a variety of naked female royals to compete in a big Jubilee fight. It's a no holds barred fighting sim with the crown jewels at stake. Moves include 'Royal Wave', 'Courtesy Block', 'Poke-in-the-Eye', 'Knighting-sword Pat' and 'Extreme Posh Sonic Boom'.
Alternatively, the royals could go on a version of Big Brother for the next ten years. That would make some entertaining TV viewing. Or even Royal Survivor... they could eat crab poo and hunt lizards for 6 months (on a cold, remote Scottish island), and the public could vote them out of the royal family each week. Mwuha ha ha.
time for a sprinkling of more celebratory Jubilee games (seeing as it is the Jubilee now... i think, or maybe its tomorrow? Ah, who cares...)
7)PRECIOUS METAL GEAR
You have to steal the crown jewels on the day of the Jubilee. This game should be massively over-hyped and publicised beyond belief, but will inevitably turn out to be a massive anti-climax aand fail to meet expectations. Just like the Jubilee, and a bit like MGS2.
8)BEN ELTON MUST DIE
I've just seen Ben Elton doing his 'comedy' routine for the Jubilee party on telly. He's not funny. This would be a photo-realistic simulation where you have to kill Ben Elton. There would be add-ons available for even nastier weapons with which to kill Ben Elton.
"Computers these days, they're so complicated aren't they? and a mouse? ah, where? quick get a cat, that's what I sa..."
[BANG]
9)SUPER MERCURY BALLS
You are Freddie Mercury from Queen, wearing tight spandex, strapped into a large ball. You must guide Freddy's balls through a series of narrow passages until he comes to the end. There would also be Gitaroo Man style bonus levels with Brian May and rythm-based button bashing.
7)PRECIOUS METAL GEAR
You have to steal the crown jewels on the day of the Jubilee. This game should be massively over-hyped and publicised beyond belief, but will inevitably turn out to be a massive anti-climax aand fail to meet expectations. Just like the Jubilee, and a bit like MGS2.
8)BEN ELTON MUST DIE
I've just seen Ben Elton doing his 'comedy' routine for the Jubilee party on telly. He's not funny. This would be a photo-realistic simulation where you have to kill Ben Elton. There would be add-ons available for even nastier weapons with which to kill Ben Elton.
"Computers these days, they're so complicated aren't they? and a mouse? ah, where? quick get a cat, that's what I sa..."
[BANG]
9)SUPER MERCURY BALLS
You are Freddie Mercury from Queen, wearing tight spandex, strapped into a large ball. You must guide Freddy's balls through a series of narrow passages until he comes to the end. There would also be Gitaroo Man style bonus levels with Brian May and rythm-based button bashing.
ooh... some replies... thanking you kindly...
Have a nice long weekend folks, and try and resist pouring cider on your cornflakes for the World Cup kick-off. And remember: if you see the Queen this weekend, tell her that illzen's still got the negatives for that photograph.
Have a nice long weekend folks, and try and resist pouring cider on your cornflakes for the World Cup kick-off. And remember: if you see the Queen this weekend, tell her that illzen's still got the negatives for that photograph.
Well over in the land of Tactical Ops we UK clans are having a one day tournament. Should be fun :) Nothing to do with the actual topic, but I felt like saying it after reading the title :p
LOL!
Great post.
Great post.
I like this idea. No, really.
Naked female royals? No ta, that's sick!
Whatever next, "Weekend at the Queen Mother's", in which you play Charles trying to cover up the death of the Queen Mother by carting around her corpse, and using his ventriloquistic skills to apease crowds?
Whatever next, "Weekend at the Queen Mother's", in which you play Charles trying to cover up the death of the Queen Mother by carting around her corpse, and using his ventriloquistic skills to apease crowds?
Yet another quality post from the Olympic Buffoon. Just the thought of a drugged-up Harry stealing a rowing boat made me laugh.
"Ooh the Jubilee, that'll be fun won't it. Oh hooray for the Queen. Ooh, it's all so exciting..."
Those words would be the words of an idiot. I find nothing in the Jubilee of any interest at all. There's football and drinking and an excuse to spend a Monday playing video games. But I couldn't give a half-sucked gobstopper about the royal family. If the Queen wants to get my attention (which I'm sure she does) she should commission some Jubilee video games. So it you're reading, your high-ness, how about some games like:
1)LIZZIES MANSION
You play Lizzie on a quest set in Buckingham Palace. Since the death of the Queen Mum, the huge house has become haunted by spooky royal ghosts. You must don your royal green-dungarees and hunt down the Queen Mummy and Lady Die to make sure the mansion is de-spooked in time for the big Jubilee Bash.
2)GTA: ROYAL REBELLION
You play GTA (Gangsta Teenaja 'Arry) on a crime spree through the district of Windsor & Eton. You can steal rowing boats, bicycles and horses. You can rob tourists and cane 'fags'. Eventually you will be prepared for the ultimate drug-dealing, cash-making opportunity, as 50,000 revellers come to party in your back garden. Aiight.
3)PRANCE PRANCE 2K2 (CHARLIE MIX)
This would be a dance-mat compatible Jubilee game. Oh yes. You play Prince Charles dancing in the crowds of the Jubilee celebrations. You must go and prance with a diverse selection of the community to make a point of your political correctness. This will thus involve jigging and jiving to hip-hop, garage, bhangra, reggae, country & western, deth metal, hardcore techno, teen pop and bagpipe-brass drum'n'bass fusion.
4)STATE OF EMERJUBILEE
A little bit like State of Emergency, but set in the grounds of the Palace during the massive Jubilee party. You can choose to play any member of the royal family and embark on a huge royal killing spree. There will be innocents, policemen, ceremonial uniform soldiers, corgis, tourists and pop-stars. And to slaughter them: royal sceptres, swords, shotguns, flamethrowers, foxhounds and spiked-crown headbutts.
5)CRAZY TAXI-CARRIAGE
You play the role of a royal chauffeur. There is variety of absurd-looking modified Jags and Rollers to choose from. You must take various members of the royal family to specified locations within specified time limits. You may have to drive through crowds of people, and smash through expensively manicured gardens, and battle through London traffic... but you can bring in the bucks if you do.
6)WWF: ROYAL RUMBLE
In Well-off Women Fighting, you get to choose from a variety of naked female royals to compete in a big Jubilee fight. It's a no holds barred fighting sim with the crown jewels at stake. Moves include 'Royal Wave', 'Courtesy Block', 'Poke-in-the-Eye', 'Knighting-sword Pat' and 'Extreme Posh Sonic Boom'.
Alternatively, the royals could go on a version of Big Brother for the next ten years. That would make some entertaining TV viewing. Or even Royal Survivor... they could eat crab poo and hunt lizards for 6 months (on a cold, remote Scottish island), and the public could vote them out of the royal family each week. Mwuha ha ha.
Those words would be the words of an idiot. I find nothing in the Jubilee of any interest at all. There's football and drinking and an excuse to spend a Monday playing video games. But I couldn't give a half-sucked gobstopper about the royal family. If the Queen wants to get my attention (which I'm sure she does) she should commission some Jubilee video games. So it you're reading, your high-ness, how about some games like:
1)LIZZIES MANSION
You play Lizzie on a quest set in Buckingham Palace. Since the death of the Queen Mum, the huge house has become haunted by spooky royal ghosts. You must don your royal green-dungarees and hunt down the Queen Mummy and Lady Die to make sure the mansion is de-spooked in time for the big Jubilee Bash.
2)GTA: ROYAL REBELLION
You play GTA (Gangsta Teenaja 'Arry) on a crime spree through the district of Windsor & Eton. You can steal rowing boats, bicycles and horses. You can rob tourists and cane 'fags'. Eventually you will be prepared for the ultimate drug-dealing, cash-making opportunity, as 50,000 revellers come to party in your back garden. Aiight.
3)PRANCE PRANCE 2K2 (CHARLIE MIX)
This would be a dance-mat compatible Jubilee game. Oh yes. You play Prince Charles dancing in the crowds of the Jubilee celebrations. You must go and prance with a diverse selection of the community to make a point of your political correctness. This will thus involve jigging and jiving to hip-hop, garage, bhangra, reggae, country & western, deth metal, hardcore techno, teen pop and bagpipe-brass drum'n'bass fusion.
4)STATE OF EMERJUBILEE
A little bit like State of Emergency, but set in the grounds of the Palace during the massive Jubilee party. You can choose to play any member of the royal family and embark on a huge royal killing spree. There will be innocents, policemen, ceremonial uniform soldiers, corgis, tourists and pop-stars. And to slaughter them: royal sceptres, swords, shotguns, flamethrowers, foxhounds and spiked-crown headbutts.
5)CRAZY TAXI-CARRIAGE
You play the role of a royal chauffeur. There is variety of absurd-looking modified Jags and Rollers to choose from. You must take various members of the royal family to specified locations within specified time limits. You may have to drive through crowds of people, and smash through expensively manicured gardens, and battle through London traffic... but you can bring in the bucks if you do.
6)WWF: ROYAL RUMBLE
In Well-off Women Fighting, you get to choose from a variety of naked female royals to compete in a big Jubilee fight. It's a no holds barred fighting sim with the crown jewels at stake. Moves include 'Royal Wave', 'Courtesy Block', 'Poke-in-the-Eye', 'Knighting-sword Pat' and 'Extreme Posh Sonic Boom'.
Alternatively, the royals could go on a version of Big Brother for the next ten years. That would make some entertaining TV viewing. Or even Royal Survivor... they could eat crab poo and hunt lizards for 6 months (on a cold, remote Scottish island), and the public could vote them out of the royal family each week. Mwuha ha ha.