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I wasn't really sure where to post this at first, but clearly every gaming fanatic who also finds time to post remarks up here on a daily basis is either unemployed or not yet employable. So, perhaps here is a good spot after all...
I've slowly deliberated over my own options, and have concluded that I must pursue one of the following careers. For all you young 'uns and lazy old folk too, please feel free to follow my valuable advice... and let that dream job unfurl.
1)FULL-TIME REALITY TV SHOW CONTESTANT
Love 'em or hate 'em, reality shows are blatantly huge at the moment, and are sure to be around for a while. I've often toyed with the notion of applying for Shipwrecked or Eden or something, but I hate the idea of being recognised in the street. As for Big Brother, you can win a stash of cash for just sitting on your rse, but you will forever be deemed 'that rse off Big Brother'.
So, here comes the clever bit... make sure you are ALWAYS on a reality TV show, somewhere in the world, performing some foolish task... so you never have to go back to the real world, and you'll never need to suffer from all the negative consequences of being on TV. Ha Hah. Flawless.
SKILLS NEEDED: Ability to jibber constantly about meaningless nonsense (something I feel I have perfected quite effortlessly!), Willingness to show a man boob or lady lump.
IQ under 80.
2)NINJA ASSASSIN
I mean, it can't be THAT hard, and you'd get paid a load. It is obviously the coolest job available, but the destiny of only a chosen few. All you do, once a month or so, is slash some geezer with a bigef off sword, then go back home and spend your blood money. It would be the acest... I must commence my training soon.
SKILLS NEEDED: General air of ninja-Don-ness, secret ninja outfit, ninja Don armoury and 3 years relevant experience (perhaps abatoire butcher or pest controller)
IQ over a million
3)THE GUY/GAL WHO WINDS THE SCREEN BACK IN BLIND DATE
I'm sure this is actually a real job... and one fit for the laziest dude in the dudiverse. Once a week, you wind a screen back, and then forwards, and then back, and then forwards, then you go home. You'd also get the chance to see if Cilla's teeth are made of Kryptonite and if 'Graham' is really just a mouth and a brain in a jar. Expect £21,000 p.a. plus expenses.
SKILLS NEEDED: One or two arms, & the ability to refrain from laughing in the face of the deluded imbeciles who thought they might get away with being on Blind Date and not looking like a total helmet.
IQ not necessary.
4)VIDEO GAME STYLE QUASI-FUTURE VR WARRIOR
In the year 2005, the world will be in a bad state, in fact, a 'State Of Emergency'. The new breed of robot soldiers will be 'Virtually Controlled' by troops of gamers in underground bunkers. While Corporal Fat Nigel sits in his armchair, eating Crunchies, with a converted Gamecube controller in his hand, he will also be battling terrorists in the chemical fog above ground at the same time. Top notch career satisfaction, army pensions and the need to play video games all the time.'At Ease!' would be an under-statement.
SKILLS NEEDED: GCSEs-none (you should have been practising Street Fighter 2), A Levels-none (you should have been practising Goldeneye), Degree-none (you should have been practising Halo). Flat feet, obesity, midgetry(?) and sofa/carbohydrate-snack disorders will be admirable qualities of future crack commandoes.
Any IQ accepted.
5)THE KFC COLONEL
As far as I'm aware this guy must be rolling in reddies, and I've never seen him in KFC once. He makes loadsa money, and he's always skiving off. I appreciate he needs to put in some quality time to grow his small furry chin-beaver, but he really just rests on the laurels of the Secret Recipe. This would be an ideal opportunity for a self-starter, willing to make the next 'secret recipe' and become the next KFC Colonel. Klegness Fried Chicken perhaps?
SKILLS NEEDED: White fur, redneck accent, fondness for chicken and frying. No need to understand the art of nice chips though, it's only KFC.
IQ 81... precisely.
6)A RADIO SHIPPING BROADCASTER
No one really cares what they say, I simply don't believe anyone really understands what they are talking about. "Ice Cream One... Osborne Seven, Yes, Simply Red Four... Sixteen Four, No, etc etc" You could just do that job at home, in bed on the telephone, talking ish, while playing Gran Turismo and supping brandy. That would be cool.
SKILLS NEEDED: Um... not.. a... clue??
... I hope you found some inspiration there that the Job Centre or Careers Advice buffoons may have forgotten to tell you about. Should you have any career suggestions for me, then please feel free to advise.
Aiiight.
I've slowly deliberated over my own options, and have concluded that I must pursue one of the following careers. For all you young 'uns and lazy old folk too, please feel free to follow my valuable advice... and let that dream job unfurl.
1)FULL-TIME REALITY TV SHOW CONTESTANT
Love 'em or hate 'em, reality shows are blatantly huge at the moment, and are sure to be around for a while. I've often toyed with the notion of applying for Shipwrecked or Eden or something, but I hate the idea of being recognised in the street. As for Big Brother, you can win a stash of cash for just sitting on your rse, but you will forever be deemed 'that rse off Big Brother'.
So, here comes the clever bit... make sure you are ALWAYS on a reality TV show, somewhere in the world, performing some foolish task... so you never have to go back to the real world, and you'll never need to suffer from all the negative consequences of being on TV. Ha Hah. Flawless.
SKILLS NEEDED: Ability to jibber constantly about meaningless nonsense (something I feel I have perfected quite effortlessly!), Willingness to show a man boob or lady lump.
IQ under 80.
2)NINJA ASSASSIN
I mean, it can't be THAT hard, and you'd get paid a load. It is obviously the coolest job available, but the destiny of only a chosen few. All you do, once a month or so, is slash some geezer with a bigef off sword, then go back home and spend your blood money. It would be the acest... I must commence my training soon.
SKILLS NEEDED: General air of ninja-Don-ness, secret ninja outfit, ninja Don armoury and 3 years relevant experience (perhaps abatoire butcher or pest controller)
IQ over a million
3)THE GUY/GAL WHO WINDS THE SCREEN BACK IN BLIND DATE
I'm sure this is actually a real job... and one fit for the laziest dude in the dudiverse. Once a week, you wind a screen back, and then forwards, and then back, and then forwards, then you go home. You'd also get the chance to see if Cilla's teeth are made of Kryptonite and if 'Graham' is really just a mouth and a brain in a jar. Expect £21,000 p.a. plus expenses.
SKILLS NEEDED: One or two arms, & the ability to refrain from laughing in the face of the deluded imbeciles who thought they might get away with being on Blind Date and not looking like a total helmet.
IQ not necessary.
4)VIDEO GAME STYLE QUASI-FUTURE VR WARRIOR
In the year 2005, the world will be in a bad state, in fact, a 'State Of Emergency'. The new breed of robot soldiers will be 'Virtually Controlled' by troops of gamers in underground bunkers. While Corporal Fat Nigel sits in his armchair, eating Crunchies, with a converted Gamecube controller in his hand, he will also be battling terrorists in the chemical fog above ground at the same time. Top notch career satisfaction, army pensions and the need to play video games all the time.'At Ease!' would be an under-statement.
SKILLS NEEDED: GCSEs-none (you should have been practising Street Fighter 2), A Levels-none (you should have been practising Goldeneye), Degree-none (you should have been practising Halo). Flat feet, obesity, midgetry(?) and sofa/carbohydrate-snack disorders will be admirable qualities of future crack commandoes.
Any IQ accepted.
5)THE KFC COLONEL
As far as I'm aware this guy must be rolling in reddies, and I've never seen him in KFC once. He makes loadsa money, and he's always skiving off. I appreciate he needs to put in some quality time to grow his small furry chin-beaver, but he really just rests on the laurels of the Secret Recipe. This would be an ideal opportunity for a self-starter, willing to make the next 'secret recipe' and become the next KFC Colonel. Klegness Fried Chicken perhaps?
SKILLS NEEDED: White fur, redneck accent, fondness for chicken and frying. No need to understand the art of nice chips though, it's only KFC.
IQ 81... precisely.
6)A RADIO SHIPPING BROADCASTER
No one really cares what they say, I simply don't believe anyone really understands what they are talking about. "Ice Cream One... Osborne Seven, Yes, Simply Red Four... Sixteen Four, No, etc etc" You could just do that job at home, in bed on the telephone, talking ish, while playing Gran Turismo and supping brandy. That would be cool.
SKILLS NEEDED: Um... not.. a... clue??
... I hope you found some inspiration there that the Job Centre or Careers Advice buffoons may have forgotten to tell you about. Should you have any career suggestions for me, then please feel free to advise.
Aiiight.
Righty ho, this is my final word of advice...
If you are looking for a job, and are in fact desperately in need of one, do not squander your time writing peculiar messages on internet forums... especially when no-one reads them.
oh
Ah well, at least I'm speeding up my touch-typing skills. Another month unemployed and I should be at least 180 wpm.
If you are looking for a job, and are in fact desperately in need of one, do not squander your time writing peculiar messages on internet forums... especially when no-one reads them.
oh
Ah well, at least I'm speeding up my touch-typing skills. Another month unemployed and I should be at least 180 wpm.
I will not lose faith in my students... Oh no no no... I shall persevere in my quest of ultimate career guidance. Even if no-one reads it, it will still be studied by generations of the future, as a primary source for understanding 'history of career guidance'(probably a BSc at the University of Barrow-on-Furness).
TOP TIPS FOR A JOB INTERVIEW:
1) BEAR GIFTS: If you are going for a Media type job, bring your interviewer a trendy cup of coffee: Perhaps a 'Sippanalpacino with sour cream and chives' from Starbucks. Or if you are going for a more down-to-earth job, bring plenty of biscuits (Milk Chocolate Hobnobs for maximum persuasion) and a large thermos of tea. If you are accused of a weak attempt at bribery... then follow my next recommended tip.
2) HAGGLE: If you are going for a job that you know you can't really get, and if it's a big enough company, there's bound to be room for a few bumbling incompetents in the background. Strike a deal with your interviewer (who will hopefully be a bumbling incompetent from HR): Let's say you're trying to blag a job that earns 60 grand a year: Offer the interviewer 20% of your salary... You would still get 48 grand a year, and the interviewer would lie to their bosses to make you look really good. Tops.
3) REFER TO REAL LIFE VIDEO GAME EXPERIENCES: This is actually a bonafide tactic of mine to handle the trickier interview questions. The ones that start: 'Give me an example of when you...' or 'What have you acheived that makes you proud..' etc. By talking about games you've played (without admitting they were just games), you can lie quite convincingly: you will be able to go into great detail without fumbling. Gran Turismo can be an exciting topic of part-time racing antics (sure to impress). Metal Gear will make you look like a secret agent (and they can't really check your references if you incinuate you used to work at Mi5 or something! bonus!). Be sure to steer clear of references to GTA3 though. Bad news.
4) REFRAIN FROM EXPELLING BODILY FLUIDS OR GASES: You'd think this was obvious. But I, erm, know this guy right, er, a friend of a cousin, erm, anyway, he let out a teeny-weeny little guff in the interview waiting room, y'know, he was bit nervous. But it turned out to be a truely evil silent but violent killer fart from hell. He thought he'd got away with it. But it lingered... and lingered... and lingered. The interviewer came back into the room, and BLAM, a waft of cabbage gas right up the hooter. I, erm, I mean he, went very red indeed. He didn't get the job. Be warned.
5) DO A LITTLE DANCE AT THE END: This really is a great way to end off any job interview. Perhaps a few disco moves, or breakdancing on the desk, or tap dancing on the chair, or doing Robotics and body-popping all the way out of the room. Keep a straight face all the while, as if you're normal. They'll be intrigued... oh yes... They'll wonder: 'that guy who did the little dance, he was kinda mysterious, there was something about him, maybe we need to find out a little more'. Be that enigma.
TOP TIPS FOR A JOB INTERVIEW:
1) BEAR GIFTS: If you are going for a Media type job, bring your interviewer a trendy cup of coffee: Perhaps a 'Sippanalpacino with sour cream and chives' from Starbucks. Or if you are going for a more down-to-earth job, bring plenty of biscuits (Milk Chocolate Hobnobs for maximum persuasion) and a large thermos of tea. If you are accused of a weak attempt at bribery... then follow my next recommended tip.
2) HAGGLE: If you are going for a job that you know you can't really get, and if it's a big enough company, there's bound to be room for a few bumbling incompetents in the background. Strike a deal with your interviewer (who will hopefully be a bumbling incompetent from HR): Let's say you're trying to blag a job that earns 60 grand a year: Offer the interviewer 20% of your salary... You would still get 48 grand a year, and the interviewer would lie to their bosses to make you look really good. Tops.
3) REFER TO REAL LIFE VIDEO GAME EXPERIENCES: This is actually a bonafide tactic of mine to handle the trickier interview questions. The ones that start: 'Give me an example of when you...' or 'What have you acheived that makes you proud..' etc. By talking about games you've played (without admitting they were just games), you can lie quite convincingly: you will be able to go into great detail without fumbling. Gran Turismo can be an exciting topic of part-time racing antics (sure to impress). Metal Gear will make you look like a secret agent (and they can't really check your references if you incinuate you used to work at Mi5 or something! bonus!). Be sure to steer clear of references to GTA3 though. Bad news.
4) REFRAIN FROM EXPELLING BODILY FLUIDS OR GASES: You'd think this was obvious. But I, erm, know this guy right, er, a friend of a cousin, erm, anyway, he let out a teeny-weeny little guff in the interview waiting room, y'know, he was bit nervous. But it turned out to be a truely evil silent but violent killer fart from hell. He thought he'd got away with it. But it lingered... and lingered... and lingered. The interviewer came back into the room, and BLAM, a waft of cabbage gas right up the hooter. I, erm, I mean he, went very red indeed. He didn't get the job. Be warned.
5) DO A LITTLE DANCE AT THE END: This really is a great way to end off any job interview. Perhaps a few disco moves, or breakdancing on the desk, or tap dancing on the chair, or doing Robotics and body-popping all the way out of the room. Keep a straight face all the while, as if you're normal. They'll be intrigued... oh yes... They'll wonder: 'that guy who did the little dance, he was kinda mysterious, there was something about him, maybe we need to find out a little more'. Be that enigma.
OK then, ignore me, see if I care...
...just don't come crying to me when you end up working in a cold-calling telesales job...
"Er, hello, I was wondering if you were interested in taking advantage of our latest double gla..."
"Who are you? How did you get my number? How dare you call me at this time of the evening? You little fu..."
[hangs up]
...just don't come crying to me when you end up working in a cold-calling telesales job...
"Er, hello, I was wondering if you were interested in taking advantage of our latest double gla..."
"Who are you? How did you get my number? How dare you call me at this time of the evening? You little fu..."
[hangs up]
I wasn't really sure where to post this at first, but clearly every gaming fanatic who also finds time to post remarks up here on a daily basis is either unemployed or not yet employable. So, perhaps here is a good spot after all...
I've slowly deliberated over my own options, and have concluded that I must pursue one of the following careers. For all you young 'uns and lazy old folk too, please feel free to follow my valuable advice... and let that dream job unfurl.
1)FULL-TIME REALITY TV SHOW CONTESTANT
Love 'em or hate 'em, reality shows are blatantly huge at the moment, and are sure to be around for a while. I've often toyed with the notion of applying for Shipwrecked or Eden or something, but I hate the idea of being recognised in the street. As for Big Brother, you can win a stash of cash for just sitting on your rse, but you will forever be deemed 'that rse off Big Brother'.
So, here comes the clever bit... make sure you are ALWAYS on a reality TV show, somewhere in the world, performing some foolish task... so you never have to go back to the real world, and you'll never need to suffer from all the negative consequences of being on TV. Ha Hah. Flawless.
SKILLS NEEDED: Ability to jibber constantly about meaningless nonsense (something I feel I have perfected quite effortlessly!), Willingness to show a man boob or lady lump.
IQ under 80.
2)NINJA ASSASSIN
I mean, it can't be THAT hard, and you'd get paid a load. It is obviously the coolest job available, but the destiny of only a chosen few. All you do, once a month or so, is slash some geezer with a bigef off sword, then go back home and spend your blood money. It would be the acest... I must commence my training soon.
SKILLS NEEDED: General air of ninja-Don-ness, secret ninja outfit, ninja Don armoury and 3 years relevant experience (perhaps abatoire butcher or pest controller)
IQ over a million
3)THE GUY/GAL WHO WINDS THE SCREEN BACK IN BLIND DATE
I'm sure this is actually a real job... and one fit for the laziest dude in the dudiverse. Once a week, you wind a screen back, and then forwards, and then back, and then forwards, then you go home. You'd also get the chance to see if Cilla's teeth are made of Kryptonite and if 'Graham' is really just a mouth and a brain in a jar. Expect £21,000 p.a. plus expenses.
SKILLS NEEDED: One or two arms, & the ability to refrain from laughing in the face of the deluded imbeciles who thought they might get away with being on Blind Date and not looking like a total helmet.
IQ not necessary.
4)VIDEO GAME STYLE QUASI-FUTURE VR WARRIOR
In the year 2005, the world will be in a bad state, in fact, a 'State Of Emergency'. The new breed of robot soldiers will be 'Virtually Controlled' by troops of gamers in underground bunkers. While Corporal Fat Nigel sits in his armchair, eating Crunchies, with a converted Gamecube controller in his hand, he will also be battling terrorists in the chemical fog above ground at the same time. Top notch career satisfaction, army pensions and the need to play video games all the time.'At Ease!' would be an under-statement.
SKILLS NEEDED: GCSEs-none (you should have been practising Street Fighter 2), A Levels-none (you should have been practising Goldeneye), Degree-none (you should have been practising Halo). Flat feet, obesity, midgetry(?) and sofa/carbohydrate-snack disorders will be admirable qualities of future crack commandoes.
Any IQ accepted.
5)THE KFC COLONEL
As far as I'm aware this guy must be rolling in reddies, and I've never seen him in KFC once. He makes loadsa money, and he's always skiving off. I appreciate he needs to put in some quality time to grow his small furry chin-beaver, but he really just rests on the laurels of the Secret Recipe. This would be an ideal opportunity for a self-starter, willing to make the next 'secret recipe' and become the next KFC Colonel. Klegness Fried Chicken perhaps?
SKILLS NEEDED: White fur, redneck accent, fondness for chicken and frying. No need to understand the art of nice chips though, it's only KFC.
IQ 81... precisely.
6)A RADIO SHIPPING BROADCASTER
No one really cares what they say, I simply don't believe anyone really understands what they are talking about. "Ice Cream One... Osborne Seven, Yes, Simply Red Four... Sixteen Four, No, etc etc" You could just do that job at home, in bed on the telephone, talking ish, while playing Gran Turismo and supping brandy. That would be cool.
SKILLS NEEDED: Um... not.. a... clue??
... I hope you found some inspiration there that the Job Centre or Careers Advice buffoons may have forgotten to tell you about. Should you have any career suggestions for me, then please feel free to advise.
Aiiight.
I've slowly deliberated over my own options, and have concluded that I must pursue one of the following careers. For all you young 'uns and lazy old folk too, please feel free to follow my valuable advice... and let that dream job unfurl.
1)FULL-TIME REALITY TV SHOW CONTESTANT
Love 'em or hate 'em, reality shows are blatantly huge at the moment, and are sure to be around for a while. I've often toyed with the notion of applying for Shipwrecked or Eden or something, but I hate the idea of being recognised in the street. As for Big Brother, you can win a stash of cash for just sitting on your rse, but you will forever be deemed 'that rse off Big Brother'.
So, here comes the clever bit... make sure you are ALWAYS on a reality TV show, somewhere in the world, performing some foolish task... so you never have to go back to the real world, and you'll never need to suffer from all the negative consequences of being on TV. Ha Hah. Flawless.
SKILLS NEEDED: Ability to jibber constantly about meaningless nonsense (something I feel I have perfected quite effortlessly!), Willingness to show a man boob or lady lump.
IQ under 80.
2)NINJA ASSASSIN
I mean, it can't be THAT hard, and you'd get paid a load. It is obviously the coolest job available, but the destiny of only a chosen few. All you do, once a month or so, is slash some geezer with a bigef off sword, then go back home and spend your blood money. It would be the acest... I must commence my training soon.
SKILLS NEEDED: General air of ninja-Don-ness, secret ninja outfit, ninja Don armoury and 3 years relevant experience (perhaps abatoire butcher or pest controller)
IQ over a million
3)THE GUY/GAL WHO WINDS THE SCREEN BACK IN BLIND DATE
I'm sure this is actually a real job... and one fit for the laziest dude in the dudiverse. Once a week, you wind a screen back, and then forwards, and then back, and then forwards, then you go home. You'd also get the chance to see if Cilla's teeth are made of Kryptonite and if 'Graham' is really just a mouth and a brain in a jar. Expect £21,000 p.a. plus expenses.
SKILLS NEEDED: One or two arms, & the ability to refrain from laughing in the face of the deluded imbeciles who thought they might get away with being on Blind Date and not looking like a total helmet.
IQ not necessary.
4)VIDEO GAME STYLE QUASI-FUTURE VR WARRIOR
In the year 2005, the world will be in a bad state, in fact, a 'State Of Emergency'. The new breed of robot soldiers will be 'Virtually Controlled' by troops of gamers in underground bunkers. While Corporal Fat Nigel sits in his armchair, eating Crunchies, with a converted Gamecube controller in his hand, he will also be battling terrorists in the chemical fog above ground at the same time. Top notch career satisfaction, army pensions and the need to play video games all the time.'At Ease!' would be an under-statement.
SKILLS NEEDED: GCSEs-none (you should have been practising Street Fighter 2), A Levels-none (you should have been practising Goldeneye), Degree-none (you should have been practising Halo). Flat feet, obesity, midgetry(?) and sofa/carbohydrate-snack disorders will be admirable qualities of future crack commandoes.
Any IQ accepted.
5)THE KFC COLONEL
As far as I'm aware this guy must be rolling in reddies, and I've never seen him in KFC once. He makes loadsa money, and he's always skiving off. I appreciate he needs to put in some quality time to grow his small furry chin-beaver, but he really just rests on the laurels of the Secret Recipe. This would be an ideal opportunity for a self-starter, willing to make the next 'secret recipe' and become the next KFC Colonel. Klegness Fried Chicken perhaps?
SKILLS NEEDED: White fur, redneck accent, fondness for chicken and frying. No need to understand the art of nice chips though, it's only KFC.
IQ 81... precisely.
6)A RADIO SHIPPING BROADCASTER
No one really cares what they say, I simply don't believe anyone really understands what they are talking about. "Ice Cream One... Osborne Seven, Yes, Simply Red Four... Sixteen Four, No, etc etc" You could just do that job at home, in bed on the telephone, talking ish, while playing Gran Turismo and supping brandy. That would be cool.
SKILLS NEEDED: Um... not.. a... clue??
... I hope you found some inspiration there that the Job Centre or Careers Advice buffoons may have forgotten to tell you about. Should you have any career suggestions for me, then please feel free to advise.
Aiiight.