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It's been a while since there were any jokes posted in here, so here's a few:
3 Dead bodies
-------------
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.", replies the coroner.
Pinocchio
--------
Pinocchio goes up to his dad and says "dad , can i talk to you about anything?" "Course you can!" replies father in surprise, "Its just that every time i get a girl back to my flat and we go at it , she keeps screamin' 'Splinter!' . I am at my wits end , what am i to do?" So his dad gives him a sheet of sandpaper and says"Here son, you know what to do.." Pinocchio thanks him and goes away. 2 weeks later , the long nosed one trots in and father asks him , "How did it go with the girls?" to which Pinocchio replies "GIRLS? WHAT GIRLS?"!
More Blasphemy
--------------
Proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
4. His last request was a drink.
5. He lived with his parents until he was 29.
6. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, god bless her, thought he was the saviour of the world!
Drunk Again
-----------
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home, though when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face, again. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one last time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" she says. "What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again!
3 Dead bodies
-------------
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.", replies the coroner.
Pinocchio
--------
Pinocchio goes up to his dad and says "dad , can i talk to you about anything?" "Course you can!" replies father in surprise, "Its just that every time i get a girl back to my flat and we go at it , she keeps screamin' 'Splinter!' . I am at my wits end , what am i to do?" So his dad gives him a sheet of sandpaper and says"Here son, you know what to do.." Pinocchio thanks him and goes away. 2 weeks later , the long nosed one trots in and father asks him , "How did it go with the girls?" to which Pinocchio replies "GIRLS? WHAT GIRLS?"!
More Blasphemy
--------------
Proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
4. His last request was a drink.
5. He lived with his parents until he was 29.
6. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, god bless her, thought he was the saviour of the world!
Drunk Again
-----------
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home, though when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face, again. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one last time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" she says. "What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again!
There have been no replies to this thread yet.
It's been a while since there were any jokes posted in here, so here's a few:
3 Dead bodies
-------------
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.", replies the coroner.
Pinocchio
--------
Pinocchio goes up to his dad and says "dad , can i talk to you about anything?" "Course you can!" replies father in surprise, "Its just that every time i get a girl back to my flat and we go at it , she keeps screamin' 'Splinter!' . I am at my wits end , what am i to do?" So his dad gives him a sheet of sandpaper and says"Here son, you know what to do.." Pinocchio thanks him and goes away. 2 weeks later , the long nosed one trots in and father asks him , "How did it go with the girls?" to which Pinocchio replies "GIRLS? WHAT GIRLS?"!
More Blasphemy
--------------
Proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
4. His last request was a drink.
5. He lived with his parents until he was 29.
6. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, god bless her, thought he was the saviour of the world!
Drunk Again
-----------
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home, though when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face, again. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one last time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" she says. "What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again!
3 Dead bodies
-------------
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.", replies the coroner.
Pinocchio
--------
Pinocchio goes up to his dad and says "dad , can i talk to you about anything?" "Course you can!" replies father in surprise, "Its just that every time i get a girl back to my flat and we go at it , she keeps screamin' 'Splinter!' . I am at my wits end , what am i to do?" So his dad gives him a sheet of sandpaper and says"Here son, you know what to do.." Pinocchio thanks him and goes away. 2 weeks later , the long nosed one trots in and father asks him , "How did it go with the girls?" to which Pinocchio replies "GIRLS? WHAT GIRLS?"!
More Blasphemy
--------------
Proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
4. His last request was a drink.
5. He lived with his parents until he was 29.
6. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, god bless her, thought he was the saviour of the world!
Drunk Again
-----------
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home, though when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face, again. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one last time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" she says. "What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again!