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Before you read, please note that to understand many of the extremely poor jokes that have been intricately woven into this story, you will have had to play MGS2. If not, then please enjoy it for the plot. Not that that’ll be any comfort to you…
_________________________________
Snake and Otacon approached the Mansion slowly and carefully.
“Snake, why don’t you take your stealth suit off for a bit?” Otacon asked, optimistic about the evening ahead.
“Dammit Otacon, you can never be too careful. I’ve heard info that…”
“Shut up, someone’s coming out!” Otacon whispered fiercely. Snake smiled, noticing Otacon’s nervousness.
They both stood against a wall, occasionally peeking out as the stranger neared. He was only a couple of metres away when he said, “Hey-a, where have they gone-a?” He continued forward past them, and Snake seized the opportunity, He jumped, produced his M9 and aimed it at the back of the stranger’s head. “Freeze!”
The stranger gasped, and put his hands in the air. “Please-a, don’t kill-a me!”
Snake rounded him, keeping the gun pointed at his head. “Who are you?” He asked, his tone forceful.
“I’m-a Mario, Luigi’s brother!” Mario cried.
“Prove it,” Snake growled. Mario looked desperate, but then he started to shake. Something fell from his neck, and Otacon picked it up. “It’s a dog tag. According to this, he’s Mario.”
Snake holstered the gun, “sorry about that, I’m naturally paranoid. I’m also Snake, one of the guests for the dinner party tonight.”
Mario’s face brightened, “Ahhh, I am the servant for tonight, please-a come in-a and meet the rest of the guests-a!”
“Are we late?” Snake asked.
“Only a little.”
“Damn.”
_________________________________________
“Well, your assets are some of the biggest I’ve ever seen!” Joanna Dark told Lara Croft.
“Yours aren’t exactly small either,” Lara replied, as the two women discussed their money situation. “Tomb Raider has been a huge success, no matter what some people say, and Perfect Dark was by the far the best game on the N64.
“That’s not exactly saying much though,” Joanna said, before sipping some of her white wine.
“You did have James, Mario and Zelda to contend with though.”
A well-groomed man stepped between them, “did someone mention my name?”
“Maybe,” Lara said, nibbling on a sandwich, “what is your name?”
“The name’s Bond. James Bond.” He said, eyeing up the two beauties. “Maybe I will have the honour of sitting next to one of you when we eat.”
Joanna smiled seductively, “I most certainly hope so.”
Lara decided she wanted another glass of wine, and she headed to the other side where they were served. A strange mushroom handed one to her.
“Hey.”
“Aaah!” Lara screamed, dropping her beverage. “Where the hell did you come from?” She asked Snake.
“Sorry, I was a little late.”
Lara calmed herself, and then looked Snake up and down. “I like the suit.”
Snake smiled, “yeah, it’s a new kind. Only made in…San Marino. Anyway, where’s the man around here?”
“You mean the guy who’s hosting the party? Luigi? I’m not sure, no one’s seen him yet.”
Just as she had finished speaking, the wall next to her began to open like an automatic door. She stepped back in shock, calmed herself once again, and then looked. In front of her stood a glorious dining room. Chandeliers hung all over the ceiling, portraits of people like Shigeru Miyamoto and Hideo Kojima filled the walls, but what she found most impressive was the golden table in the centre of the room, which staged foods of all different kinds, ranging from your basic apple to Luigi’s Special Strawberry, Banana, Apple and Mushroom Pie.
In front of the table, stood Luigi. “Hello my friends-a, and welcome to my mansion! Please-a, come in-a and eat-a!”
“Semper Fi,” Snake commented, before entering the dining room and taking his seat next to Crash Bandicoot and Tails. He considered delivering some well-timed puns to break the ice, but decided to leave them for later. Crash looked extremely nervous about the whole thing, but Tails seemed to be enjoying himself.
“Where’s your little friend?” Snake enquired.
“You mean Sonic? He’s over there with *Knuckles*” Tales answered, pointing to Snake’s left. He said ‘Knuckles’ as though it were a curse.
Snake ripped a large chunk off his chicken leg, before hanging it over Tails’ head, “I take it you have some “meat” with this Knuckles “character.” Wow, two puns in one sentence. Snake was pleased with himself.
Tails however, didn’t get the joke, “yeah, you know, it always used to be me and Sonic. The best of friends we were, until he came along. So what if he’s a bit ‘harder’ than me, I’M THE ONE WHO CAN FLY WITH MY TAILS!!” He shrieked. This sudden outburst turned many heads, apart from the Resident Evil zombie who didn’t have one.
“Want me to take him out?”
“Lethally!?” Tails asked hopefully.
“No, sorry, I’ve only got my M9. It’ll put him unconscious for a while though.”
“Ah well, it’ll do,” Tails said dejectedly.
Snake snuck silently underneath the table. It was surprisingly dark, and so he applied his Night Vision Goggles.
Meanwhile, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi were having a bit of trouble with the staff.
“But we do not allow-a weapons here-a!” Luigi cried.
“But we Chancellor’s Ambassadors, we must always have access to our Light sabres in case of trouble.” Qui-Gon explained.
“Yeah!” Obi-Wan shouted heatedly.
“But no one else-a has weapons,” Luigi said, a little desperately. He wanted this dinner party to go faultlessly.
“Yes, that Solid Snake guy has,” Qui-Gon looked around the table, “…wherever he’s gone.”
Snake, was still under the table. He had somehow managed to sneak past the feet of characters including Donkey Kong, Dante, Zelda and Max Payne. He’d also managed to nick a few painkillers from the latter. And there, just to his left, was Sonic. Unfortunately, he was so small Snake didn’t have much to aim at. Trying for the feet would be useless as he had shoes on, but he could see just a tiny bit of his right leg. It would need a good shot, but Snake knew he was capable. He crawled back a little, aimed, and fired.
Knuckles and Sonic were enjoying their bowls of Carrot and Coriander Soup, when suddenly Sonic let out a little groan, and then fell face first into the hot soup.
“Sonic! What happened?!” Knuckles pulled his best friend from the steaming bowl and tried to sit him back on the chair. However he pulled back with too much force, and the speedy Hedgehog fell backwards off his chair and landed harshly on the unforgiving wooden floor. “Aaah!” Knuckles cried. He then put his head in his hands, and started crying. Mario came over to try and help.
Snake had managed to make his way back to his spot, and he sat down without anyone noticing he’d been gone. Snake tapped Tails on the back and waited for the reaction, happy to have helped someone.
Tails whisked around, “YOU!?”
“What?” Snake asked, confused.
“You took out Sonic!!”
“Yeah, just like you told me.”
“No, I wanted you to get Knuckles! KNUCKLES!!”
At this point, Mario was struggling to get Sonic back on his feet. Mario staggered back from the weight, and slammed hard into a wall. The force of the impact then caused part of the wall to open like a door, revealing a dark, winding staircase. Well actually, it was a secret passageway, which was triggered when you touched a specific tile. Mario, had opened it.
As you have probably guessed, the whole group, led by Snake and Luigi, made their way down the staircase. Luigi, supposedly, had no knowledge of the passageway. As they continued further and further down into the deep, dark realms of this mysterious lair, they could hear noises. Voices mainly, but occasionally they could hear this loud “BOOM! BOOM!” Like someone was dropping two massive crates on the floor, again and again.
These became louder as they carried on, and by now they could hear some sort of gunfire. Then voices.
“We-a are looking good-a!”
“The testing is going very well, soon it will be 100% ready!” This voice was strangely English. It was also familiar to Snake and Otacon, but they couldn’t quite place it.
They reached the bottom of the stairs, and were greeted by an amazing sight. A walking nuclear warhead. A weapon of mass destruction. Metal Gear.
“Metal Gear!?” Snake cried.
“Metal Gear!?” Otacon followed.
“Metal Gear-a!?” Luigi was next.
“Metal Gear!?” Lara said, fondling her breasts.
“Metal Gear!?” James Bond shouted, doing the same.
Raiden appeared from no where, “I have no penis!?”
They found themselves inside what seemed like a massive indoor airfield. There were these long, wide metallic platforms, on one of which Metal Gear stood. In the far right corner to them was an office which housed some of the controls to Metal Gear, and to the left was a drinks machine. It was quite dark around the outside, but floodlights in the middle of the roof centred on Metal Gear and the surrounding platforms.
“Hello everyone!” Their eyes turned, to meet the smiling figures of Liquid Snake, Wario and Darth Maul.
“Liquid…” Snake growled.
“Hello brother! What do you think of my new toy?”
Snake marvelled at the small model Ferrari his genetically created sibling held. “Well, I have to say, it’s very realistic. And I love Ferrari’s.”
“I knew you’d like it. And, what do you think of Metal Gear?”
“It looks pretty good now, but by the time we’re finished with it, it will look…not as good.” Snake was very unhappy with this line.
“Who’s we?” Liquid asked menacingly.
Snake looked behind him, shocked to see that everyone else had run away. He felt much happier a couple of minutes later however, when they all came back after a little trip to the toilet.
“Them,” Snake said as he turned back to Liquid. Unfortunately, he had apparently disappeared.
“There! He’s in the office!” Joanna pointed to Liquid’s whereabouts. Snake was about to follow when Darth Maul powered up his Double Light sabre, and Wario grabbed some mushrooms from a plastic bag.
“Damn! We’ll have to deal with these guys first. Those Jedi will come in useful, and Max,” he looked over at Max Payne, “we’re gonna need your help to.”
Max looked around hesitantly, “you’re all against me!” He suddenly pulled out two Uzi’s and began firing madly. His shots were unintentionally directed towards the general area of Darth Maul, who deflected them all with ease. Meanwhile, Mario had spotted a pound coin on the floor and ran over to collect it. He picked it up, and suddenly grew a little bit taller. Wario threw a mushroom at him, but he leaped into the air at the perfect time and landed on it, causing it to disappear.
Darth Maul was proving harder to sort out however, as all of Snake’s, Joanna’s, James’ and Lara’s shots were just deflected. One hit Bond in the head, but he was seemingly unaffected.
In the nick of time Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stepped forward, taking off their robes and revealing their own Light sabres. They battled it out with him, sabres clashing and sparks flying. Maul appeared to have the upper hand though as they moved towards the centre of the room. Maul had ducked a sweep from Qui Gon and was about to kill him for real this time, until Metal Gear stepped on him.
“Oops,” Liquid said, embarrassed. He was now inside Metal Gear, and although it was saddening that he had destroyed his former friend, it was only a minor setback. This Metal Gear was sure to bring world domination, one way or another.
Wario was also finished, as Mario tossed a massive piece of broccoli at him. Liquid didn’t care though as he equipped the weapons on the walking mass destruction weapon, and aimed towards the group.
Snake was prepared, and he pulled out his Stinger Missile Launcher.
“I thought you said you only had your M9?” Tails asked, a little angry.
“Nah, I always keep one of these handy. Strangely enough, it’s not very hard to carry around either.”
Max Payne, who had now finally realised whose side he was on, produced an M79. Joanna revealed some sort of massive futuristic weapon which shot razors, bullets, rockets and friendship bracelets at the same time, while Lara took her bra off.
Liquid stared in shock at her, “My…surely they’re not real!?”
The group took advantage of this, using the time Lara had earned by firing their weapons at the head of Metal Gear. Although these did some damage, it was not enough to destroy it. Luckily, the pound coin that Mario had thrown just after hit a rather important part of Metal Gear, a tiny little battery that was needed for it to work properly.
Liquid desperately tried to control the teetering Metal Gear, but he could do nothing as it slowly fell, finally smashing with awesome impact on the unforgiving metallic floor.
__________________________
Snake and Otacon finally left a few hours later, after a great night.
“See, I said you can never be too careful.” Snake boasted.
Otacon was too busy studying his micro-computer to hear.
“What are you doing?”
After a short pause, Otacon looked up at his friend. “Judging by all the possible evidence, I have worked out that Luigi…”
“Yeah?”
“Wasn’t really Luigi.”
Snake thought about an appropriate reply, and in the end settled for, “What the hell!?”
___________________
Thanks for reading, Ant.
_________________________________
Snake and Otacon approached the Mansion slowly and carefully.
“Snake, why don’t you take your stealth suit off for a bit?” Otacon asked, optimistic about the evening ahead.
“Dammit Otacon, you can never be too careful. I’ve heard info that…”
“Shut up, someone’s coming out!” Otacon whispered fiercely. Snake smiled, noticing Otacon’s nervousness.
They both stood against a wall, occasionally peeking out as the stranger neared. He was only a couple of metres away when he said, “Hey-a, where have they gone-a?” He continued forward past them, and Snake seized the opportunity, He jumped, produced his M9 and aimed it at the back of the stranger’s head. “Freeze!”
The stranger gasped, and put his hands in the air. “Please-a, don’t kill-a me!”
Snake rounded him, keeping the gun pointed at his head. “Who are you?” He asked, his tone forceful.
“I’m-a Mario, Luigi’s brother!” Mario cried.
“Prove it,” Snake growled. Mario looked desperate, but then he started to shake. Something fell from his neck, and Otacon picked it up. “It’s a dog tag. According to this, he’s Mario.”
Snake holstered the gun, “sorry about that, I’m naturally paranoid. I’m also Snake, one of the guests for the dinner party tonight.”
Mario’s face brightened, “Ahhh, I am the servant for tonight, please-a come in-a and meet the rest of the guests-a!”
“Are we late?” Snake asked.
“Only a little.”
“Damn.”
_________________________________________
“Well, your assets are some of the biggest I’ve ever seen!” Joanna Dark told Lara Croft.
“Yours aren’t exactly small either,” Lara replied, as the two women discussed their money situation. “Tomb Raider has been a huge success, no matter what some people say, and Perfect Dark was by the far the best game on the N64.
“That’s not exactly saying much though,” Joanna said, before sipping some of her white wine.
“You did have James, Mario and Zelda to contend with though.”
A well-groomed man stepped between them, “did someone mention my name?”
“Maybe,” Lara said, nibbling on a sandwich, “what is your name?”
“The name’s Bond. James Bond.” He said, eyeing up the two beauties. “Maybe I will have the honour of sitting next to one of you when we eat.”
Joanna smiled seductively, “I most certainly hope so.”
Lara decided she wanted another glass of wine, and she headed to the other side where they were served. A strange mushroom handed one to her.
“Hey.”
“Aaah!” Lara screamed, dropping her beverage. “Where the hell did you come from?” She asked Snake.
“Sorry, I was a little late.”
Lara calmed herself, and then looked Snake up and down. “I like the suit.”
Snake smiled, “yeah, it’s a new kind. Only made in…San Marino. Anyway, where’s the man around here?”
“You mean the guy who’s hosting the party? Luigi? I’m not sure, no one’s seen him yet.”
Just as she had finished speaking, the wall next to her began to open like an automatic door. She stepped back in shock, calmed herself once again, and then looked. In front of her stood a glorious dining room. Chandeliers hung all over the ceiling, portraits of people like Shigeru Miyamoto and Hideo Kojima filled the walls, but what she found most impressive was the golden table in the centre of the room, which staged foods of all different kinds, ranging from your basic apple to Luigi’s Special Strawberry, Banana, Apple and Mushroom Pie.
In front of the table, stood Luigi. “Hello my friends-a, and welcome to my mansion! Please-a, come in-a and eat-a!”
“Semper Fi,” Snake commented, before entering the dining room and taking his seat next to Crash Bandicoot and Tails. He considered delivering some well-timed puns to break the ice, but decided to leave them for later. Crash looked extremely nervous about the whole thing, but Tails seemed to be enjoying himself.
“Where’s your little friend?” Snake enquired.
“You mean Sonic? He’s over there with *Knuckles*” Tales answered, pointing to Snake’s left. He said ‘Knuckles’ as though it were a curse.
Snake ripped a large chunk off his chicken leg, before hanging it over Tails’ head, “I take it you have some “meat” with this Knuckles “character.” Wow, two puns in one sentence. Snake was pleased with himself.
Tails however, didn’t get the joke, “yeah, you know, it always used to be me and Sonic. The best of friends we were, until he came along. So what if he’s a bit ‘harder’ than me, I’M THE ONE WHO CAN FLY WITH MY TAILS!!” He shrieked. This sudden outburst turned many heads, apart from the Resident Evil zombie who didn’t have one.
“Want me to take him out?”
“Lethally!?” Tails asked hopefully.
“No, sorry, I’ve only got my M9. It’ll put him unconscious for a while though.”
“Ah well, it’ll do,” Tails said dejectedly.
Snake snuck silently underneath the table. It was surprisingly dark, and so he applied his Night Vision Goggles.
Meanwhile, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi were having a bit of trouble with the staff.
“But we do not allow-a weapons here-a!” Luigi cried.
“But we Chancellor’s Ambassadors, we must always have access to our Light sabres in case of trouble.” Qui-Gon explained.
“Yeah!” Obi-Wan shouted heatedly.
“But no one else-a has weapons,” Luigi said, a little desperately. He wanted this dinner party to go faultlessly.
“Yes, that Solid Snake guy has,” Qui-Gon looked around the table, “…wherever he’s gone.”
Snake, was still under the table. He had somehow managed to sneak past the feet of characters including Donkey Kong, Dante, Zelda and Max Payne. He’d also managed to nick a few painkillers from the latter. And there, just to his left, was Sonic. Unfortunately, he was so small Snake didn’t have much to aim at. Trying for the feet would be useless as he had shoes on, but he could see just a tiny bit of his right leg. It would need a good shot, but Snake knew he was capable. He crawled back a little, aimed, and fired.
Knuckles and Sonic were enjoying their bowls of Carrot and Coriander Soup, when suddenly Sonic let out a little groan, and then fell face first into the hot soup.
“Sonic! What happened?!” Knuckles pulled his best friend from the steaming bowl and tried to sit him back on the chair. However he pulled back with too much force, and the speedy Hedgehog fell backwards off his chair and landed harshly on the unforgiving wooden floor. “Aaah!” Knuckles cried. He then put his head in his hands, and started crying. Mario came over to try and help.
Snake had managed to make his way back to his spot, and he sat down without anyone noticing he’d been gone. Snake tapped Tails on the back and waited for the reaction, happy to have helped someone.
Tails whisked around, “YOU!?”
“What?” Snake asked, confused.
“You took out Sonic!!”
“Yeah, just like you told me.”
“No, I wanted you to get Knuckles! KNUCKLES!!”
At this point, Mario was struggling to get Sonic back on his feet. Mario staggered back from the weight, and slammed hard into a wall. The force of the impact then caused part of the wall to open like a door, revealing a dark, winding staircase. Well actually, it was a secret passageway, which was triggered when you touched a specific tile. Mario, had opened it.
As you have probably guessed, the whole group, led by Snake and Luigi, made their way down the staircase. Luigi, supposedly, had no knowledge of the passageway. As they continued further and further down into the deep, dark realms of this mysterious lair, they could hear noises. Voices mainly, but occasionally they could hear this loud “BOOM! BOOM!” Like someone was dropping two massive crates on the floor, again and again.
These became louder as they carried on, and by now they could hear some sort of gunfire. Then voices.
“We-a are looking good-a!”
“The testing is going very well, soon it will be 100% ready!” This voice was strangely English. It was also familiar to Snake and Otacon, but they couldn’t quite place it.
They reached the bottom of the stairs, and were greeted by an amazing sight. A walking nuclear warhead. A weapon of mass destruction. Metal Gear.
“Metal Gear!?” Snake cried.
“Metal Gear!?” Otacon followed.
“Metal Gear-a!?” Luigi was next.
“Metal Gear!?” Lara said, fondling her breasts.
“Metal Gear!?” James Bond shouted, doing the same.
Raiden appeared from no where, “I have no penis!?”
They found themselves inside what seemed like a massive indoor airfield. There were these long, wide metallic platforms, on one of which Metal Gear stood. In the far right corner to them was an office which housed some of the controls to Metal Gear, and to the left was a drinks machine. It was quite dark around the outside, but floodlights in the middle of the roof centred on Metal Gear and the surrounding platforms.
“Hello everyone!” Their eyes turned, to meet the smiling figures of Liquid Snake, Wario and Darth Maul.
“Liquid…” Snake growled.
“Hello brother! What do you think of my new toy?”
Snake marvelled at the small model Ferrari his genetically created sibling held. “Well, I have to say, it’s very realistic. And I love Ferrari’s.”
“I knew you’d like it. And, what do you think of Metal Gear?”
“It looks pretty good now, but by the time we’re finished with it, it will look…not as good.” Snake was very unhappy with this line.
“Who’s we?” Liquid asked menacingly.
Snake looked behind him, shocked to see that everyone else had run away. He felt much happier a couple of minutes later however, when they all came back after a little trip to the toilet.
“Them,” Snake said as he turned back to Liquid. Unfortunately, he had apparently disappeared.
“There! He’s in the office!” Joanna pointed to Liquid’s whereabouts. Snake was about to follow when Darth Maul powered up his Double Light sabre, and Wario grabbed some mushrooms from a plastic bag.
“Damn! We’ll have to deal with these guys first. Those Jedi will come in useful, and Max,” he looked over at Max Payne, “we’re gonna need your help to.”
Max looked around hesitantly, “you’re all against me!” He suddenly pulled out two Uzi’s and began firing madly. His shots were unintentionally directed towards the general area of Darth Maul, who deflected them all with ease. Meanwhile, Mario had spotted a pound coin on the floor and ran over to collect it. He picked it up, and suddenly grew a little bit taller. Wario threw a mushroom at him, but he leaped into the air at the perfect time and landed on it, causing it to disappear.
Darth Maul was proving harder to sort out however, as all of Snake’s, Joanna’s, James’ and Lara’s shots were just deflected. One hit Bond in the head, but he was seemingly unaffected.
In the nick of time Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stepped forward, taking off their robes and revealing their own Light sabres. They battled it out with him, sabres clashing and sparks flying. Maul appeared to have the upper hand though as they moved towards the centre of the room. Maul had ducked a sweep from Qui Gon and was about to kill him for real this time, until Metal Gear stepped on him.
“Oops,” Liquid said, embarrassed. He was now inside Metal Gear, and although it was saddening that he had destroyed his former friend, it was only a minor setback. This Metal Gear was sure to bring world domination, one way or another.
Wario was also finished, as Mario tossed a massive piece of broccoli at him. Liquid didn’t care though as he equipped the weapons on the walking mass destruction weapon, and aimed towards the group.
Snake was prepared, and he pulled out his Stinger Missile Launcher.
“I thought you said you only had your M9?” Tails asked, a little angry.
“Nah, I always keep one of these handy. Strangely enough, it’s not very hard to carry around either.”
Max Payne, who had now finally realised whose side he was on, produced an M79. Joanna revealed some sort of massive futuristic weapon which shot razors, bullets, rockets and friendship bracelets at the same time, while Lara took her bra off.
Liquid stared in shock at her, “My…surely they’re not real!?”
The group took advantage of this, using the time Lara had earned by firing their weapons at the head of Metal Gear. Although these did some damage, it was not enough to destroy it. Luckily, the pound coin that Mario had thrown just after hit a rather important part of Metal Gear, a tiny little battery that was needed for it to work properly.
Liquid desperately tried to control the teetering Metal Gear, but he could do nothing as it slowly fell, finally smashing with awesome impact on the unforgiving metallic floor.
__________________________
Snake and Otacon finally left a few hours later, after a great night.
“See, I said you can never be too careful.” Snake boasted.
Otacon was too busy studying his micro-computer to hear.
“What are you doing?”
After a short pause, Otacon looked up at his friend. “Judging by all the possible evidence, I have worked out that Luigi…”
“Yeah?”
“Wasn’t really Luigi.”
Snake thought about an appropriate reply, and in the end settled for, “What the hell!?”
___________________
Thanks for reading, Ant.
Guyzer wrote:
> Great post Ant, rather enjoyed that. I knew you would have the word
> “Semper Fi,” in there, brilliant.
I had to use it though. Just had to. :D
> Great post Ant, rather enjoyed that. I knew you would have the word
> “Semper Fi,” in there, brilliant.
I had to use it though. Just had to. :D
That is an extremely well written post, well done!
RM18, I always know what you are gonna say when I see you name as the last posted heh
Excellent stuff Ant!
Before you read, please note that to understand many of the extremely poor jokes that have been intricately woven into this story, you will have had to play MGS2. If not, then please enjoy it for the plot. Not that that’ll be any comfort to you…
_________________________________
Snake and Otacon approached the Mansion slowly and carefully.
“Snake, why don’t you take your stealth suit off for a bit?” Otacon asked, optimistic about the evening ahead.
“Dammit Otacon, you can never be too careful. I’ve heard info that…”
“Shut up, someone’s coming out!” Otacon whispered fiercely. Snake smiled, noticing Otacon’s nervousness.
They both stood against a wall, occasionally peeking out as the stranger neared. He was only a couple of metres away when he said, “Hey-a, where have they gone-a?” He continued forward past them, and Snake seized the opportunity, He jumped, produced his M9 and aimed it at the back of the stranger’s head. “Freeze!”
The stranger gasped, and put his hands in the air. “Please-a, don’t kill-a me!”
Snake rounded him, keeping the gun pointed at his head. “Who are you?” He asked, his tone forceful.
“I’m-a Mario, Luigi’s brother!” Mario cried.
“Prove it,” Snake growled. Mario looked desperate, but then he started to shake. Something fell from his neck, and Otacon picked it up. “It’s a dog tag. According to this, he’s Mario.”
Snake holstered the gun, “sorry about that, I’m naturally paranoid. I’m also Snake, one of the guests for the dinner party tonight.”
Mario’s face brightened, “Ahhh, I am the servant for tonight, please-a come in-a and meet the rest of the guests-a!”
“Are we late?” Snake asked.
“Only a little.”
“Damn.”
_________________________________________
“Well, your assets are some of the biggest I’ve ever seen!” Joanna Dark told Lara Croft.
“Yours aren’t exactly small either,” Lara replied, as the two women discussed their money situation. “Tomb Raider has been a huge success, no matter what some people say, and Perfect Dark was by the far the best game on the N64.
“That’s not exactly saying much though,” Joanna said, before sipping some of her white wine.
“You did have James, Mario and Zelda to contend with though.”
A well-groomed man stepped between them, “did someone mention my name?”
“Maybe,” Lara said, nibbling on a sandwich, “what is your name?”
“The name’s Bond. James Bond.” He said, eyeing up the two beauties. “Maybe I will have the honour of sitting next to one of you when we eat.”
Joanna smiled seductively, “I most certainly hope so.”
Lara decided she wanted another glass of wine, and she headed to the other side where they were served. A strange mushroom handed one to her.
“Hey.”
“Aaah!” Lara screamed, dropping her beverage. “Where the hell did you come from?” She asked Snake.
“Sorry, I was a little late.”
Lara calmed herself, and then looked Snake up and down. “I like the suit.”
Snake smiled, “yeah, it’s a new kind. Only made in…San Marino. Anyway, where’s the man around here?”
“You mean the guy who’s hosting the party? Luigi? I’m not sure, no one’s seen him yet.”
Just as she had finished speaking, the wall next to her began to open like an automatic door. She stepped back in shock, calmed herself once again, and then looked. In front of her stood a glorious dining room. Chandeliers hung all over the ceiling, portraits of people like Shigeru Miyamoto and Hideo Kojima filled the walls, but what she found most impressive was the golden table in the centre of the room, which staged foods of all different kinds, ranging from your basic apple to Luigi’s Special Strawberry, Banana, Apple and Mushroom Pie.
In front of the table, stood Luigi. “Hello my friends-a, and welcome to my mansion! Please-a, come in-a and eat-a!”
“Semper Fi,” Snake commented, before entering the dining room and taking his seat next to Crash Bandicoot and Tails. He considered delivering some well-timed puns to break the ice, but decided to leave them for later. Crash looked extremely nervous about the whole thing, but Tails seemed to be enjoying himself.
“Where’s your little friend?” Snake enquired.
“You mean Sonic? He’s over there with *Knuckles*” Tales answered, pointing to Snake’s left. He said ‘Knuckles’ as though it were a curse.
Snake ripped a large chunk off his chicken leg, before hanging it over Tails’ head, “I take it you have some “meat” with this Knuckles “character.” Wow, two puns in one sentence. Snake was pleased with himself.
Tails however, didn’t get the joke, “yeah, you know, it always used to be me and Sonic. The best of friends we were, until he came along. So what if he’s a bit ‘harder’ than me, I’M THE ONE WHO CAN FLY WITH MY TAILS!!” He shrieked. This sudden outburst turned many heads, apart from the Resident Evil zombie who didn’t have one.
“Want me to take him out?”
“Lethally!?” Tails asked hopefully.
“No, sorry, I’ve only got my M9. It’ll put him unconscious for a while though.”
“Ah well, it’ll do,” Tails said dejectedly.
Snake snuck silently underneath the table. It was surprisingly dark, and so he applied his Night Vision Goggles.
Meanwhile, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi were having a bit of trouble with the staff.
“But we do not allow-a weapons here-a!” Luigi cried.
“But we Chancellor’s Ambassadors, we must always have access to our Light sabres in case of trouble.” Qui-Gon explained.
“Yeah!” Obi-Wan shouted heatedly.
“But no one else-a has weapons,” Luigi said, a little desperately. He wanted this dinner party to go faultlessly.
“Yes, that Solid Snake guy has,” Qui-Gon looked around the table, “…wherever he’s gone.”
Snake, was still under the table. He had somehow managed to sneak past the feet of characters including Donkey Kong, Dante, Zelda and Max Payne. He’d also managed to nick a few painkillers from the latter. And there, just to his left, was Sonic. Unfortunately, he was so small Snake didn’t have much to aim at. Trying for the feet would be useless as he had shoes on, but he could see just a tiny bit of his right leg. It would need a good shot, but Snake knew he was capable. He crawled back a little, aimed, and fired.
Knuckles and Sonic were enjoying their bowls of Carrot and Coriander Soup, when suddenly Sonic let out a little groan, and then fell face first into the hot soup.
“Sonic! What happened?!” Knuckles pulled his best friend from the steaming bowl and tried to sit him back on the chair. However he pulled back with too much force, and the speedy Hedgehog fell backwards off his chair and landed harshly on the unforgiving wooden floor. “Aaah!” Knuckles cried. He then put his head in his hands, and started crying. Mario came over to try and help.
Snake had managed to make his way back to his spot, and he sat down without anyone noticing he’d been gone. Snake tapped Tails on the back and waited for the reaction, happy to have helped someone.
Tails whisked around, “YOU!?”
“What?” Snake asked, confused.
“You took out Sonic!!”
“Yeah, just like you told me.”
“No, I wanted you to get Knuckles! KNUCKLES!!”
At this point, Mario was struggling to get Sonic back on his feet. Mario staggered back from the weight, and slammed hard into a wall. The force of the impact then caused part of the wall to open like a door, revealing a dark, winding staircase. Well actually, it was a secret passageway, which was triggered when you touched a specific tile. Mario, had opened it.
As you have probably guessed, the whole group, led by Snake and Luigi, made their way down the staircase. Luigi, supposedly, had no knowledge of the passageway. As they continued further and further down into the deep, dark realms of this mysterious lair, they could hear noises. Voices mainly, but occasionally they could hear this loud “BOOM! BOOM!” Like someone was dropping two massive crates on the floor, again and again.
These became louder as they carried on, and by now they could hear some sort of gunfire. Then voices.
“We-a are looking good-a!”
“The testing is going very well, soon it will be 100% ready!” This voice was strangely English. It was also familiar to Snake and Otacon, but they couldn’t quite place it.
They reached the bottom of the stairs, and were greeted by an amazing sight. A walking nuclear warhead. A weapon of mass destruction. Metal Gear.
“Metal Gear!?” Snake cried.
“Metal Gear!?” Otacon followed.
“Metal Gear-a!?” Luigi was next.
“Metal Gear!?” Lara said, fondling her breasts.
“Metal Gear!?” James Bond shouted, doing the same.
Raiden appeared from no where, “I have no penis!?”
They found themselves inside what seemed like a massive indoor airfield. There were these long, wide metallic platforms, on one of which Metal Gear stood. In the far right corner to them was an office which housed some of the controls to Metal Gear, and to the left was a drinks machine. It was quite dark around the outside, but floodlights in the middle of the roof centred on Metal Gear and the surrounding platforms.
“Hello everyone!” Their eyes turned, to meet the smiling figures of Liquid Snake, Wario and Darth Maul.
“Liquid…” Snake growled.
“Hello brother! What do you think of my new toy?”
Snake marvelled at the small model Ferrari his genetically created sibling held. “Well, I have to say, it’s very realistic. And I love Ferrari’s.”
“I knew you’d like it. And, what do you think of Metal Gear?”
“It looks pretty good now, but by the time we’re finished with it, it will look…not as good.” Snake was very unhappy with this line.
“Who’s we?” Liquid asked menacingly.
Snake looked behind him, shocked to see that everyone else had run away. He felt much happier a couple of minutes later however, when they all came back after a little trip to the toilet.
“Them,” Snake said as he turned back to Liquid. Unfortunately, he had apparently disappeared.
“There! He’s in the office!” Joanna pointed to Liquid’s whereabouts. Snake was about to follow when Darth Maul powered up his Double Light sabre, and Wario grabbed some mushrooms from a plastic bag.
“Damn! We’ll have to deal with these guys first. Those Jedi will come in useful, and Max,” he looked over at Max Payne, “we’re gonna need your help to.”
Max looked around hesitantly, “you’re all against me!” He suddenly pulled out two Uzi’s and began firing madly. His shots were unintentionally directed towards the general area of Darth Maul, who deflected them all with ease. Meanwhile, Mario had spotted a pound coin on the floor and ran over to collect it. He picked it up, and suddenly grew a little bit taller. Wario threw a mushroom at him, but he leaped into the air at the perfect time and landed on it, causing it to disappear.
Darth Maul was proving harder to sort out however, as all of Snake’s, Joanna’s, James’ and Lara’s shots were just deflected. One hit Bond in the head, but he was seemingly unaffected.
In the nick of time Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stepped forward, taking off their robes and revealing their own Light sabres. They battled it out with him, sabres clashing and sparks flying. Maul appeared to have the upper hand though as they moved towards the centre of the room. Maul had ducked a sweep from Qui Gon and was about to kill him for real this time, until Metal Gear stepped on him.
“Oops,” Liquid said, embarrassed. He was now inside Metal Gear, and although it was saddening that he had destroyed his former friend, it was only a minor setback. This Metal Gear was sure to bring world domination, one way or another.
Wario was also finished, as Mario tossed a massive piece of broccoli at him. Liquid didn’t care though as he equipped the weapons on the walking mass destruction weapon, and aimed towards the group.
Snake was prepared, and he pulled out his Stinger Missile Launcher.
“I thought you said you only had your M9?” Tails asked, a little angry.
“Nah, I always keep one of these handy. Strangely enough, it’s not very hard to carry around either.”
Max Payne, who had now finally realised whose side he was on, produced an M79. Joanna revealed some sort of massive futuristic weapon which shot razors, bullets, rockets and friendship bracelets at the same time, while Lara took her bra off.
Liquid stared in shock at her, “My…surely they’re not real!?”
The group took advantage of this, using the time Lara had earned by firing their weapons at the head of Metal Gear. Although these did some damage, it was not enough to destroy it. Luckily, the pound coin that Mario had thrown just after hit a rather important part of Metal Gear, a tiny little battery that was needed for it to work properly.
Liquid desperately tried to control the teetering Metal Gear, but he could do nothing as it slowly fell, finally smashing with awesome impact on the unforgiving metallic floor.
__________________________
Snake and Otacon finally left a few hours later, after a great night.
“See, I said you can never be too careful.” Snake boasted.
Otacon was too busy studying his micro-computer to hear.
“What are you doing?”
After a short pause, Otacon looked up at his friend. “Judging by all the possible evidence, I have worked out that Luigi…”
“Yeah?”
“Wasn’t really Luigi.”
Snake thought about an appropriate reply, and in the end settled for, “What the hell!?”
___________________
Thanks for reading, Ant.
_________________________________
Snake and Otacon approached the Mansion slowly and carefully.
“Snake, why don’t you take your stealth suit off for a bit?” Otacon asked, optimistic about the evening ahead.
“Dammit Otacon, you can never be too careful. I’ve heard info that…”
“Shut up, someone’s coming out!” Otacon whispered fiercely. Snake smiled, noticing Otacon’s nervousness.
They both stood against a wall, occasionally peeking out as the stranger neared. He was only a couple of metres away when he said, “Hey-a, where have they gone-a?” He continued forward past them, and Snake seized the opportunity, He jumped, produced his M9 and aimed it at the back of the stranger’s head. “Freeze!”
The stranger gasped, and put his hands in the air. “Please-a, don’t kill-a me!”
Snake rounded him, keeping the gun pointed at his head. “Who are you?” He asked, his tone forceful.
“I’m-a Mario, Luigi’s brother!” Mario cried.
“Prove it,” Snake growled. Mario looked desperate, but then he started to shake. Something fell from his neck, and Otacon picked it up. “It’s a dog tag. According to this, he’s Mario.”
Snake holstered the gun, “sorry about that, I’m naturally paranoid. I’m also Snake, one of the guests for the dinner party tonight.”
Mario’s face brightened, “Ahhh, I am the servant for tonight, please-a come in-a and meet the rest of the guests-a!”
“Are we late?” Snake asked.
“Only a little.”
“Damn.”
_________________________________________
“Well, your assets are some of the biggest I’ve ever seen!” Joanna Dark told Lara Croft.
“Yours aren’t exactly small either,” Lara replied, as the two women discussed their money situation. “Tomb Raider has been a huge success, no matter what some people say, and Perfect Dark was by the far the best game on the N64.
“That’s not exactly saying much though,” Joanna said, before sipping some of her white wine.
“You did have James, Mario and Zelda to contend with though.”
A well-groomed man stepped between them, “did someone mention my name?”
“Maybe,” Lara said, nibbling on a sandwich, “what is your name?”
“The name’s Bond. James Bond.” He said, eyeing up the two beauties. “Maybe I will have the honour of sitting next to one of you when we eat.”
Joanna smiled seductively, “I most certainly hope so.”
Lara decided she wanted another glass of wine, and she headed to the other side where they were served. A strange mushroom handed one to her.
“Hey.”
“Aaah!” Lara screamed, dropping her beverage. “Where the hell did you come from?” She asked Snake.
“Sorry, I was a little late.”
Lara calmed herself, and then looked Snake up and down. “I like the suit.”
Snake smiled, “yeah, it’s a new kind. Only made in…San Marino. Anyway, where’s the man around here?”
“You mean the guy who’s hosting the party? Luigi? I’m not sure, no one’s seen him yet.”
Just as she had finished speaking, the wall next to her began to open like an automatic door. She stepped back in shock, calmed herself once again, and then looked. In front of her stood a glorious dining room. Chandeliers hung all over the ceiling, portraits of people like Shigeru Miyamoto and Hideo Kojima filled the walls, but what she found most impressive was the golden table in the centre of the room, which staged foods of all different kinds, ranging from your basic apple to Luigi’s Special Strawberry, Banana, Apple and Mushroom Pie.
In front of the table, stood Luigi. “Hello my friends-a, and welcome to my mansion! Please-a, come in-a and eat-a!”
“Semper Fi,” Snake commented, before entering the dining room and taking his seat next to Crash Bandicoot and Tails. He considered delivering some well-timed puns to break the ice, but decided to leave them for later. Crash looked extremely nervous about the whole thing, but Tails seemed to be enjoying himself.
“Where’s your little friend?” Snake enquired.
“You mean Sonic? He’s over there with *Knuckles*” Tales answered, pointing to Snake’s left. He said ‘Knuckles’ as though it were a curse.
Snake ripped a large chunk off his chicken leg, before hanging it over Tails’ head, “I take it you have some “meat” with this Knuckles “character.” Wow, two puns in one sentence. Snake was pleased with himself.
Tails however, didn’t get the joke, “yeah, you know, it always used to be me and Sonic. The best of friends we were, until he came along. So what if he’s a bit ‘harder’ than me, I’M THE ONE WHO CAN FLY WITH MY TAILS!!” He shrieked. This sudden outburst turned many heads, apart from the Resident Evil zombie who didn’t have one.
“Want me to take him out?”
“Lethally!?” Tails asked hopefully.
“No, sorry, I’ve only got my M9. It’ll put him unconscious for a while though.”
“Ah well, it’ll do,” Tails said dejectedly.
Snake snuck silently underneath the table. It was surprisingly dark, and so he applied his Night Vision Goggles.
Meanwhile, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi were having a bit of trouble with the staff.
“But we do not allow-a weapons here-a!” Luigi cried.
“But we Chancellor’s Ambassadors, we must always have access to our Light sabres in case of trouble.” Qui-Gon explained.
“Yeah!” Obi-Wan shouted heatedly.
“But no one else-a has weapons,” Luigi said, a little desperately. He wanted this dinner party to go faultlessly.
“Yes, that Solid Snake guy has,” Qui-Gon looked around the table, “…wherever he’s gone.”
Snake, was still under the table. He had somehow managed to sneak past the feet of characters including Donkey Kong, Dante, Zelda and Max Payne. He’d also managed to nick a few painkillers from the latter. And there, just to his left, was Sonic. Unfortunately, he was so small Snake didn’t have much to aim at. Trying for the feet would be useless as he had shoes on, but he could see just a tiny bit of his right leg. It would need a good shot, but Snake knew he was capable. He crawled back a little, aimed, and fired.
Knuckles and Sonic were enjoying their bowls of Carrot and Coriander Soup, when suddenly Sonic let out a little groan, and then fell face first into the hot soup.
“Sonic! What happened?!” Knuckles pulled his best friend from the steaming bowl and tried to sit him back on the chair. However he pulled back with too much force, and the speedy Hedgehog fell backwards off his chair and landed harshly on the unforgiving wooden floor. “Aaah!” Knuckles cried. He then put his head in his hands, and started crying. Mario came over to try and help.
Snake had managed to make his way back to his spot, and he sat down without anyone noticing he’d been gone. Snake tapped Tails on the back and waited for the reaction, happy to have helped someone.
Tails whisked around, “YOU!?”
“What?” Snake asked, confused.
“You took out Sonic!!”
“Yeah, just like you told me.”
“No, I wanted you to get Knuckles! KNUCKLES!!”
At this point, Mario was struggling to get Sonic back on his feet. Mario staggered back from the weight, and slammed hard into a wall. The force of the impact then caused part of the wall to open like a door, revealing a dark, winding staircase. Well actually, it was a secret passageway, which was triggered when you touched a specific tile. Mario, had opened it.
As you have probably guessed, the whole group, led by Snake and Luigi, made their way down the staircase. Luigi, supposedly, had no knowledge of the passageway. As they continued further and further down into the deep, dark realms of this mysterious lair, they could hear noises. Voices mainly, but occasionally they could hear this loud “BOOM! BOOM!” Like someone was dropping two massive crates on the floor, again and again.
These became louder as they carried on, and by now they could hear some sort of gunfire. Then voices.
“We-a are looking good-a!”
“The testing is going very well, soon it will be 100% ready!” This voice was strangely English. It was also familiar to Snake and Otacon, but they couldn’t quite place it.
They reached the bottom of the stairs, and were greeted by an amazing sight. A walking nuclear warhead. A weapon of mass destruction. Metal Gear.
“Metal Gear!?” Snake cried.
“Metal Gear!?” Otacon followed.
“Metal Gear-a!?” Luigi was next.
“Metal Gear!?” Lara said, fondling her breasts.
“Metal Gear!?” James Bond shouted, doing the same.
Raiden appeared from no where, “I have no penis!?”
They found themselves inside what seemed like a massive indoor airfield. There were these long, wide metallic platforms, on one of which Metal Gear stood. In the far right corner to them was an office which housed some of the controls to Metal Gear, and to the left was a drinks machine. It was quite dark around the outside, but floodlights in the middle of the roof centred on Metal Gear and the surrounding platforms.
“Hello everyone!” Their eyes turned, to meet the smiling figures of Liquid Snake, Wario and Darth Maul.
“Liquid…” Snake growled.
“Hello brother! What do you think of my new toy?”
Snake marvelled at the small model Ferrari his genetically created sibling held. “Well, I have to say, it’s very realistic. And I love Ferrari’s.”
“I knew you’d like it. And, what do you think of Metal Gear?”
“It looks pretty good now, but by the time we’re finished with it, it will look…not as good.” Snake was very unhappy with this line.
“Who’s we?” Liquid asked menacingly.
Snake looked behind him, shocked to see that everyone else had run away. He felt much happier a couple of minutes later however, when they all came back after a little trip to the toilet.
“Them,” Snake said as he turned back to Liquid. Unfortunately, he had apparently disappeared.
“There! He’s in the office!” Joanna pointed to Liquid’s whereabouts. Snake was about to follow when Darth Maul powered up his Double Light sabre, and Wario grabbed some mushrooms from a plastic bag.
“Damn! We’ll have to deal with these guys first. Those Jedi will come in useful, and Max,” he looked over at Max Payne, “we’re gonna need your help to.”
Max looked around hesitantly, “you’re all against me!” He suddenly pulled out two Uzi’s and began firing madly. His shots were unintentionally directed towards the general area of Darth Maul, who deflected them all with ease. Meanwhile, Mario had spotted a pound coin on the floor and ran over to collect it. He picked it up, and suddenly grew a little bit taller. Wario threw a mushroom at him, but he leaped into the air at the perfect time and landed on it, causing it to disappear.
Darth Maul was proving harder to sort out however, as all of Snake’s, Joanna’s, James’ and Lara’s shots were just deflected. One hit Bond in the head, but he was seemingly unaffected.
In the nick of time Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon stepped forward, taking off their robes and revealing their own Light sabres. They battled it out with him, sabres clashing and sparks flying. Maul appeared to have the upper hand though as they moved towards the centre of the room. Maul had ducked a sweep from Qui Gon and was about to kill him for real this time, until Metal Gear stepped on him.
“Oops,” Liquid said, embarrassed. He was now inside Metal Gear, and although it was saddening that he had destroyed his former friend, it was only a minor setback. This Metal Gear was sure to bring world domination, one way or another.
Wario was also finished, as Mario tossed a massive piece of broccoli at him. Liquid didn’t care though as he equipped the weapons on the walking mass destruction weapon, and aimed towards the group.
Snake was prepared, and he pulled out his Stinger Missile Launcher.
“I thought you said you only had your M9?” Tails asked, a little angry.
“Nah, I always keep one of these handy. Strangely enough, it’s not very hard to carry around either.”
Max Payne, who had now finally realised whose side he was on, produced an M79. Joanna revealed some sort of massive futuristic weapon which shot razors, bullets, rockets and friendship bracelets at the same time, while Lara took her bra off.
Liquid stared in shock at her, “My…surely they’re not real!?”
The group took advantage of this, using the time Lara had earned by firing their weapons at the head of Metal Gear. Although these did some damage, it was not enough to destroy it. Luckily, the pound coin that Mario had thrown just after hit a rather important part of Metal Gear, a tiny little battery that was needed for it to work properly.
Liquid desperately tried to control the teetering Metal Gear, but he could do nothing as it slowly fell, finally smashing with awesome impact on the unforgiving metallic floor.
__________________________
Snake and Otacon finally left a few hours later, after a great night.
“See, I said you can never be too careful.” Snake boasted.
Otacon was too busy studying his micro-computer to hear.
“What are you doing?”
After a short pause, Otacon looked up at his friend. “Judging by all the possible evidence, I have worked out that Luigi…”
“Yeah?”
“Wasn’t really Luigi.”
Snake thought about an appropriate reply, and in the end settled for, “What the hell!?”
___________________
Thanks for reading, Ant.