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Some of these have been posted before, but I just got this nice little collection in an e-mail.
Enjoy...
-----
Having exhausted the stock of the local Ferrari agent Posh was still looking for a Christmas present for David.
She enquired in Boots and they suggested a personalised Thermos Flask.
"Oh that's a good idea-what's it for?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What a good idea. It'll be useful on David's trips."
David was delighted. "But what's it for?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
On embarking on the M.U. luxury coach for the next away game the other great intellect Gary Neville asked what it was. David explained that it was a thermos flask which kept hot things hot and cold things cold.
"That's useful", said Nev. "What you got in it then?"
"2 cups of coffee and a choc ice."
--
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their Manchester United Treble commemorative stamps?
People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
--
Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
--
Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
--
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
--
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend replies, "I ran over David Beckham."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
--
Q: How many Man Utd players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out!
--
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and butts are interchangeable.
--
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.
The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
--
David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stands up and offers that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy.
"No", Beckham says, That would be an ACCIDENT.
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not", explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer.
"What?" asks Beckham, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says, "if an airplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful", Beckham beams. "Marvellous and can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
--
Q. How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the 1997 light bulb changing commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
--
Manchester United Directors - why spend 25 million on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford? Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches?
--
Alex Ferguson told his wife he was going out shopping. "What are you going for?" she asked.
Ferguson replied, "I'm getting some pizzas, some booze, oh and a new pair of gloves for Fabian Barthez."
"Sounds like a good swap to me," said his wife!
--
Prize winning letter from a true football fan:
I've been supporting Man United for a couple of years now and I'm sick of people taking the mick out of us. In the past ten years I've supported Blackburn, Leeds, Newcastle, Arsenal and Liverpool, and I never had any stick when I supported them!
--
One wet and cold Monday in Manchester, the Red Devils were training hard when Cole says to Becks and Giggs "Lads, you know the Boss leaves at 12, let's do a bunk and just go home. He will never know."
Becks and Giggs think it's a great idea and agree to it.
So, as normal, Fergie disappears at 12 and within 5 minutes the lads are off. Giggs goes to the flicks, Cole goes off to chill to some R & B, Becks dashes off home to surprise Posh. When Becks arrives home he can't find her so he rushes upstairs and enters the bedroom.
To his horror he sees Sir Alex giving Vic the time of her life, he leaves the room without saying a word.
The following Monday on the training ground, Cole says "Lads I had a really good afternoon last week. Are we gonna do it again ?"
Giggs thinks it's a great idea as he had a good time too but Becks replies "No way Lads, I nearly got caught last week!"
Enjoy...
-----
Having exhausted the stock of the local Ferrari agent Posh was still looking for a Christmas present for David.
She enquired in Boots and they suggested a personalised Thermos Flask.
"Oh that's a good idea-what's it for?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What a good idea. It'll be useful on David's trips."
David was delighted. "But what's it for?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
On embarking on the M.U. luxury coach for the next away game the other great intellect Gary Neville asked what it was. David explained that it was a thermos flask which kept hot things hot and cold things cold.
"That's useful", said Nev. "What you got in it then?"
"2 cups of coffee and a choc ice."
--
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their Manchester United Treble commemorative stamps?
People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
--
Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
--
Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
--
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
--
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend replies, "I ran over David Beckham."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
--
Q: How many Man Utd players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out!
--
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and butts are interchangeable.
--
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.
The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
--
David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stands up and offers that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy.
"No", Beckham says, That would be an ACCIDENT.
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not", explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer.
"What?" asks Beckham, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says, "if an airplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful", Beckham beams. "Marvellous and can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
--
Q. How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the 1997 light bulb changing commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
--
Manchester United Directors - why spend 25 million on a new 3 tier stand at Old Trafford? Why not relocate and build a brand new stadium somewhere near London to reward your loyal lifelong supporters with a shorter journey home after matches?
--
Alex Ferguson told his wife he was going out shopping. "What are you going for?" she asked.
Ferguson replied, "I'm getting some pizzas, some booze, oh and a new pair of gloves for Fabian Barthez."
"Sounds like a good swap to me," said his wife!
--
Prize winning letter from a true football fan:
I've been supporting Man United for a couple of years now and I'm sick of people taking the mick out of us. In the past ten years I've supported Blackburn, Leeds, Newcastle, Arsenal and Liverpool, and I never had any stick when I supported them!
--
One wet and cold Monday in Manchester, the Red Devils were training hard when Cole says to Becks and Giggs "Lads, you know the Boss leaves at 12, let's do a bunk and just go home. He will never know."
Becks and Giggs think it's a great idea and agree to it.
So, as normal, Fergie disappears at 12 and within 5 minutes the lads are off. Giggs goes to the flicks, Cole goes off to chill to some R & B, Becks dashes off home to surprise Posh. When Becks arrives home he can't find her so he rushes upstairs and enters the bedroom.
To his horror he sees Sir Alex giving Vic the time of her life, he leaves the room without saying a word.
The following Monday on the training ground, Cole says "Lads I had a really good afternoon last week. Are we gonna do it again ?"
Giggs thinks it's a great idea as he had a good time too but Becks replies "No way Lads, I nearly got caught last week!"
Page:
Figo wrote:
> Bloody Wookiee taken the p**s.....:D you just wait till Wednesday
All that waiting...
Was it good for you too? :-)
> Bloody Wookiee taken the p**s.....:D you just wait till Wednesday
All that waiting...
Was it good for you too? :-)
reynolds wrote:
> point taking the mick
Cos it's funny dont let them get to you jesss!
> point taking the mick
Cos it's funny dont let them get to you jesss!
LMAO!!! Great jokes Wookie, they may be old, but I haven't heard them before. Ok, here's my pearl of wisdom:
Q: How do you confuse a Man Utd fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester
Q: How do you confuse a Man Utd fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester
Arsenal game tomorrow....
I'll love it if we beat them, love it!
(Noooo! Stop your mind games wookiee!)
I'll love it if we beat them, love it!
(Noooo! Stop your mind games wookiee!)
Figo wrote:
> Bloody Wookiee taken the p**s.....:D you just wait till Wednesday
Yup - then we'll REALLY take the p**s!
Who knows - we might get your hopes up by letting you win, then beat you down by beating Everton. :-)
> Bloody Wookiee taken the p**s.....:D you just wait till Wednesday
Yup - then we'll REALLY take the p**s!
Who knows - we might get your hopes up by letting you win, then beat you down by beating Everton. :-)
point taking the mick, just like figo said wait till tommorow.
Bloody Wookiee taken the p**s.....:D you just wait till Wednesday
AbsoluT Neó wrote:
> How about, "What happens when Arsenal Take a Trip to Old
> Trafford?"
>
> Answer: "They get beat 6-1"
>
> :D
Dunno why, but I found that funny. Not nearly as funny as it will be watching all the Arsenal players celebrating winning the Premiership at Old Trafford though :D.
> How about, "What happens when Arsenal Take a Trip to Old
> Trafford?"
>
> Answer: "They get beat 6-1"
>
> :D
Dunno why, but I found that funny. Not nearly as funny as it will be watching all the Arsenal players celebrating winning the Premiership at Old Trafford though :D.
How about, "What happens when Arsenal Take a Trip to Old Trafford?"
Answer: "They get beat 6-1"
:D
Answer: "They get beat 6-1"
:D
More than likely!
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