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The Shell is protective. Calming. Relaxing. Safe.
No, this isn't me trying to imitate everyone else by writing lots of really deep, meaningful stuff. No, that's not really my style. This is partly about me - well, it's taken from my own experiences, but it's also related to people in general.
The Shell is a reference, but I'm not sure what to. It's related to confidence, but it ISN'T confidence. The Shell is basically what I am, quiet. I don't like to shout my opinions to everybody (although I will do on these forums), I don't like to argue very much and I'm certainly not a confrontational sort of person.
New people. Girls. I just cannot feel comfortable around them...okay, of course I can around girls I know, but...
No, I'm going too far. From the start.
You guys tell me not to regret things, and I try not to. But there is one thing about my life I would like to change. When I was around four or five, I started Buttsbury Infants School. These were possibly the worst years of my life. I was already quite shy, but my time at this school made it so much worse...
Although she has apparently been successful in her job, my teacher terrorised me. She had an awful attitude towards us, no patience whatsoever and couldn't stand any of us after a few months of our company. We had her for three straight years. This scared me to death. I couldn't do my work properly because I was so frightened I'd do it wrong, and in the end I got in trouble for doing nothing.
I made sure, even in Year 2 that my Mum always walked with me into school. We weren't supposed to that in our final year, but I did. If my teacher saw this she would try and lead me away from her, but I would cry or just point-blank refuse to do it. She couldn't scare me if my mum was there.
In Year 1, we were queuing up to use the toilet before lunch. I was next, my hand resting between the wall and inside of the door. The door opened, shutting my fingers between it and the wall. Pain. I needed to be cared for, but my parents weren't there. So the teacher got angry, and then sent me to the medical office with an unbelievably arrogant girl who also used to get peeved off with me, just because I was this shy, little kid who couldn't do anything.
We walked into our first day of Year 2. A foul look spread across her pale features, and she growled, "Well, I’m extremely angry because I’ve got you lot again this year, so just sit down and shut up!”
During Art once (definitely one of my worse subjects), I was so nervous that I literally bunked off the afternoon by just staying in the toilet. She knew all right, but when the bell went I rushed in, grabbed my stuff and ran out again. By the next school day, thankfully, she’d forgotten. Or maybe not…I wouldn’t be surprised if she had some scam up her sleeve.
I saw her again a few years ago. I was in Year 5, Junior School, and I went to the Infant School Bazaar with my younger brother. I’m going a little ahead of myself, but by then I had gained much more confidence. Still not enough, but more. I had grown, maybe I seemed more threatening now. She was nice to me of course, so maybe I was wrong about her…but I don’t think so. I still shudder when I think of my Infant School days.
And since then, I have had to build myself up. I came out a nervous wreck and had to force myself to go to Junior school. I wouldn’t talk to anyone who wasn’t my friend (fortunately I had a few close ones), and I was the youngest in my class. Born the 5th August. By many of the girls in my class, most of whom were inexplicably taller than me treated me like a small child, especially in Years 3 and 4. However, Year 3 was the best of my Junior school. The teacher was very kind, and I went through the year gaining in confidence. Improving myself.
Over the past eight or so years I have been doing that. Some years have been tougher than others, but I’ve progressed. In the Juniors I couldn’t reach the “A” race in Sports Day, now I’m possibly the fastest in my year.
However, it still isn’t enough. At least that’s how it seems to me, and a lot of it I think is based on appearance. Unlike many of my mates in Junior school, I didn’t gel my hair or anything. Never looked anything special. I was one of the only ones who didn’t “go out” with any of the girls. So I entered Year 7 like this, still very quiet and shy, and with a quite blatant mullet. :D
This did my reputation no good, and as my former best friend grew further apart from me due to our now noticeable differences, I felt even worse. Fortunately, I got myself into a small little circle of friends. I found something to actually do with my hair to make it look better, and although I can’t make myself grow any taller I now feel much better about myself. Now in Year 10, and although I have gained confidence in massive amounts, it is still not enough. I would still class myself as ‘shy’.
For once I’m not checking back all the time to see if I’ve used the same word too many times, made any stupid grammar mistakes or anything, this is just me typing what comes to mind, so please excuse any grammatical errors. I also might go on a bit or not explain myself properly, but hopefully it’ll be okay.
The Shell, what is it? Well, in my mind, it’s shyness. It sort of protects me, you know? Stops me making myself looking stupid, means I don’t get into too many arguments or fights. This is basically why, I don’t mind. I’ve now realised that being shy is part of me. Being confident isn’t bad but it’s not always good, and being shy can be frustrating at times. But it’s who I am, and hopefully friends will like me for it. Maybe I wouldn’t have the friends I have now if I was extremely confident in myself, if I was shouting all the time and didn’t care how other people felt. I know most confident people aren’t like that, but some are.
Of course I’d like to be a little more confident, I’d like to be able to talk to people better. Hopefully when I go off to University in a few years I can walk in feeling good about myself, knowing I look reasonably okay and that I’ll be meeting with people who are a lot like me, and have the same interests.
Okay, I’ve droned on about myself long enough now. To be honest, I’m very lucky. I have a working body (with the exception of that damn stomach valve), and I’ve had a good life with a decent family. Okay, so when I look at some people around me I will feel unhappy that they have so much more confidence than me and that they probably enjoyed their time at Infant School, but overall I’m happy with the way things have turned out.
I prefer not to talk a lot of the time. I’d rather just sit there and listen and take everything in, than just talk all the time. Sometimes other people need to be heard, not just yourself all the time.
This is sort of a message to others who are like me. Shy, quiet, with different tastes from other people. Don’t be ashamed of it. I used to be, and still am sometimes, but shyness is part of you. If people can’t accept that, then they don’t matter. Feel fortunate that you’re not one of those loud-mouthed gits with no respect for other people, that are unfortunately abundant in this world.
Here’s where I’ll seem a bit mad. :) Being confident can be great though. If I’m hanging around with few close mates or my family, I feel good. When I’m around my cousins and their friends (including a girl my age) I’m confident in myself, and I love it. I try not to let it get the better of me though.
Humm…this post really makes no sense whatsoever. :D I hope that you can understand in some way what I mean by “The Shell”, and that I’m happy with it. It is hard to crack though, and maybe if I’d gone to a different Infant school then it wouldn’t be that way. I expect if I had, I would still be shy, but not so much. That would be cool.
But you can’t go back in time and change anything, so there’s no point worrying about it. I am who I am. Grix is Grix. Guyzer is Guyzer. Tony is Tony. There’s nothing we can do to change it, and so we may as well make the best of what we’ve got.
*nice girl walks up to Ant*
“Hey Ant.”
*runs away*
Thanks for reading this load of tripe, Ant.
No, this isn't me trying to imitate everyone else by writing lots of really deep, meaningful stuff. No, that's not really my style. This is partly about me - well, it's taken from my own experiences, but it's also related to people in general.
The Shell is a reference, but I'm not sure what to. It's related to confidence, but it ISN'T confidence. The Shell is basically what I am, quiet. I don't like to shout my opinions to everybody (although I will do on these forums), I don't like to argue very much and I'm certainly not a confrontational sort of person.
New people. Girls. I just cannot feel comfortable around them...okay, of course I can around girls I know, but...
No, I'm going too far. From the start.
You guys tell me not to regret things, and I try not to. But there is one thing about my life I would like to change. When I was around four or five, I started Buttsbury Infants School. These were possibly the worst years of my life. I was already quite shy, but my time at this school made it so much worse...
Although she has apparently been successful in her job, my teacher terrorised me. She had an awful attitude towards us, no patience whatsoever and couldn't stand any of us after a few months of our company. We had her for three straight years. This scared me to death. I couldn't do my work properly because I was so frightened I'd do it wrong, and in the end I got in trouble for doing nothing.
I made sure, even in Year 2 that my Mum always walked with me into school. We weren't supposed to that in our final year, but I did. If my teacher saw this she would try and lead me away from her, but I would cry or just point-blank refuse to do it. She couldn't scare me if my mum was there.
In Year 1, we were queuing up to use the toilet before lunch. I was next, my hand resting between the wall and inside of the door. The door opened, shutting my fingers between it and the wall. Pain. I needed to be cared for, but my parents weren't there. So the teacher got angry, and then sent me to the medical office with an unbelievably arrogant girl who also used to get peeved off with me, just because I was this shy, little kid who couldn't do anything.
We walked into our first day of Year 2. A foul look spread across her pale features, and she growled, "Well, I’m extremely angry because I’ve got you lot again this year, so just sit down and shut up!”
During Art once (definitely one of my worse subjects), I was so nervous that I literally bunked off the afternoon by just staying in the toilet. She knew all right, but when the bell went I rushed in, grabbed my stuff and ran out again. By the next school day, thankfully, she’d forgotten. Or maybe not…I wouldn’t be surprised if she had some scam up her sleeve.
I saw her again a few years ago. I was in Year 5, Junior School, and I went to the Infant School Bazaar with my younger brother. I’m going a little ahead of myself, but by then I had gained much more confidence. Still not enough, but more. I had grown, maybe I seemed more threatening now. She was nice to me of course, so maybe I was wrong about her…but I don’t think so. I still shudder when I think of my Infant School days.
And since then, I have had to build myself up. I came out a nervous wreck and had to force myself to go to Junior school. I wouldn’t talk to anyone who wasn’t my friend (fortunately I had a few close ones), and I was the youngest in my class. Born the 5th August. By many of the girls in my class, most of whom were inexplicably taller than me treated me like a small child, especially in Years 3 and 4. However, Year 3 was the best of my Junior school. The teacher was very kind, and I went through the year gaining in confidence. Improving myself.
Over the past eight or so years I have been doing that. Some years have been tougher than others, but I’ve progressed. In the Juniors I couldn’t reach the “A” race in Sports Day, now I’m possibly the fastest in my year.
However, it still isn’t enough. At least that’s how it seems to me, and a lot of it I think is based on appearance. Unlike many of my mates in Junior school, I didn’t gel my hair or anything. Never looked anything special. I was one of the only ones who didn’t “go out” with any of the girls. So I entered Year 7 like this, still very quiet and shy, and with a quite blatant mullet. :D
This did my reputation no good, and as my former best friend grew further apart from me due to our now noticeable differences, I felt even worse. Fortunately, I got myself into a small little circle of friends. I found something to actually do with my hair to make it look better, and although I can’t make myself grow any taller I now feel much better about myself. Now in Year 10, and although I have gained confidence in massive amounts, it is still not enough. I would still class myself as ‘shy’.
For once I’m not checking back all the time to see if I’ve used the same word too many times, made any stupid grammar mistakes or anything, this is just me typing what comes to mind, so please excuse any grammatical errors. I also might go on a bit or not explain myself properly, but hopefully it’ll be okay.
The Shell, what is it? Well, in my mind, it’s shyness. It sort of protects me, you know? Stops me making myself looking stupid, means I don’t get into too many arguments or fights. This is basically why, I don’t mind. I’ve now realised that being shy is part of me. Being confident isn’t bad but it’s not always good, and being shy can be frustrating at times. But it’s who I am, and hopefully friends will like me for it. Maybe I wouldn’t have the friends I have now if I was extremely confident in myself, if I was shouting all the time and didn’t care how other people felt. I know most confident people aren’t like that, but some are.
Of course I’d like to be a little more confident, I’d like to be able to talk to people better. Hopefully when I go off to University in a few years I can walk in feeling good about myself, knowing I look reasonably okay and that I’ll be meeting with people who are a lot like me, and have the same interests.
Okay, I’ve droned on about myself long enough now. To be honest, I’m very lucky. I have a working body (with the exception of that damn stomach valve), and I’ve had a good life with a decent family. Okay, so when I look at some people around me I will feel unhappy that they have so much more confidence than me and that they probably enjoyed their time at Infant School, but overall I’m happy with the way things have turned out.
I prefer not to talk a lot of the time. I’d rather just sit there and listen and take everything in, than just talk all the time. Sometimes other people need to be heard, not just yourself all the time.
This is sort of a message to others who are like me. Shy, quiet, with different tastes from other people. Don’t be ashamed of it. I used to be, and still am sometimes, but shyness is part of you. If people can’t accept that, then they don’t matter. Feel fortunate that you’re not one of those loud-mouthed gits with no respect for other people, that are unfortunately abundant in this world.
Here’s where I’ll seem a bit mad. :) Being confident can be great though. If I’m hanging around with few close mates or my family, I feel good. When I’m around my cousins and their friends (including a girl my age) I’m confident in myself, and I love it. I try not to let it get the better of me though.
Humm…this post really makes no sense whatsoever. :D I hope that you can understand in some way what I mean by “The Shell”, and that I’m happy with it. It is hard to crack though, and maybe if I’d gone to a different Infant school then it wouldn’t be that way. I expect if I had, I would still be shy, but not so much. That would be cool.
But you can’t go back in time and change anything, so there’s no point worrying about it. I am who I am. Grix is Grix. Guyzer is Guyzer. Tony is Tony. There’s nothing we can do to change it, and so we may as well make the best of what we’ve got.
*nice girl walks up to Ant*
“Hey Ant.”
*runs away*
Thanks for reading this load of tripe, Ant.
Heh, I just knew there was something that goes a bit deeper than that name of yours. :0)
Must have been so damn scary though, Christ. I'm so glad I live where I live. It's not that I go outside and wander the streets... just not a lot of tension around here... well, not as much as other places.
I know what you mean about the mood you're in though... I'm like that.
Must have been so damn scary though, Christ. I'm so glad I live where I live. It's not that I go outside and wander the streets... just not a lot of tension around here... well, not as much as other places.
I know what you mean about the mood you're in though... I'm like that.
My shell is my room. I like the way that there are no variables in there. Everything is predictable and so I feel secure there. Secure but bored and alone. If I retreat into myself then it's usually out of wanting to be reflective than wanting to hide.
Because outside is a big scary world with a million and one variables that no one can account for and it's scary as hell. Anything could happen to you out there. But good things happen as well as bad things. Maybe outside your shell you'll meet the most wonderful, beautiful girl who needs you in everything she does. Maybe you won't, but you'll never know if you let things get you down.
I say this from experience because I wittered away years of my life being introverted because of stupid stuff at school. Basically the people I was friends with decided that they didn't want to be friends with me and so I missed out this huge gap in my life. I didn't really have anyone to talk to, so I did work instead and read a lot, and I guess it's made me who I am today, but I know now that I shouldn't have let it get me down as much as it did. Because it wrecked my confidence.
I am still scared when I go outside into the big world. I'm scared because of something that happened to me around that time. I was walking to the astroturf in the local park near my school for hockey practice after school. I was beladen with bags and I didn't have any hands free. This guy from Trinity School, who have an entirely pointless feud with my school, cycles past and then decides to be antagonised. He starts calling me and two of my friends faggots and asking why we were looking at him, do we want a fight, I'll knock your lights out, b*******-macho posturing. So we ignored him. Then his friends came round the top of the cycle path, about 200m away, as we were crossing over a small footbridge. He stood in the middle of the bridge and started standing in the way of my friends. They got past him and last of all was me. His friends were approaching fast and I was the last one so he blocked me from passing and then unleashed a haymaker of a punch into the side of my head. It was hard enough that he overbalanced himself and the adrenaline rush that kicked in inside me opted for flight instead of fight, so I ran past him. I was so desperate to get away that when my tennis racket fell out of my bag I didn't bother stopping to pick it up because I was scared. So off he went with his mates and they smashed my tennis racket to pieces.
The guy was a moron though and when he had been blocking me off he had shouted to one of his friends "Hey Langley! Over here!". There was only one Langley in the local phonebook and the police payed him a visit. He pointed them to his friend, who received a caution. According to the policeman he cried during the interview. They might have told me that to make me feel avenged or something, but it helps to see him like that in my mind. I still think sometimes of all the thing I would have liked to have done to him. Not that I could have done any of them. But he has left me with a fear of the outside world. I look behind me before walking down alleys now, I steer away from gangs of youths in town, I don't trust people as much as I once did.
But I try as hard as I can to keep on living on my own terms and I'm getting better. I know that it probably won't help but if you just try not to care about the little things then life gets so much easier. When I'm happy, little things that go wrong don't bother me. When I'm depressed they worry me and make me further depressed. It's a state of mind I guess.
mmm rambling I am. Listen to Grix you must. mmm. a man of wisdom he is.
Because outside is a big scary world with a million and one variables that no one can account for and it's scary as hell. Anything could happen to you out there. But good things happen as well as bad things. Maybe outside your shell you'll meet the most wonderful, beautiful girl who needs you in everything she does. Maybe you won't, but you'll never know if you let things get you down.
I say this from experience because I wittered away years of my life being introverted because of stupid stuff at school. Basically the people I was friends with decided that they didn't want to be friends with me and so I missed out this huge gap in my life. I didn't really have anyone to talk to, so I did work instead and read a lot, and I guess it's made me who I am today, but I know now that I shouldn't have let it get me down as much as it did. Because it wrecked my confidence.
I am still scared when I go outside into the big world. I'm scared because of something that happened to me around that time. I was walking to the astroturf in the local park near my school for hockey practice after school. I was beladen with bags and I didn't have any hands free. This guy from Trinity School, who have an entirely pointless feud with my school, cycles past and then decides to be antagonised. He starts calling me and two of my friends faggots and asking why we were looking at him, do we want a fight, I'll knock your lights out, b*******-macho posturing. So we ignored him. Then his friends came round the top of the cycle path, about 200m away, as we were crossing over a small footbridge. He stood in the middle of the bridge and started standing in the way of my friends. They got past him and last of all was me. His friends were approaching fast and I was the last one so he blocked me from passing and then unleashed a haymaker of a punch into the side of my head. It was hard enough that he overbalanced himself and the adrenaline rush that kicked in inside me opted for flight instead of fight, so I ran past him. I was so desperate to get away that when my tennis racket fell out of my bag I didn't bother stopping to pick it up because I was scared. So off he went with his mates and they smashed my tennis racket to pieces.
The guy was a moron though and when he had been blocking me off he had shouted to one of his friends "Hey Langley! Over here!". There was only one Langley in the local phonebook and the police payed him a visit. He pointed them to his friend, who received a caution. According to the policeman he cried during the interview. They might have told me that to make me feel avenged or something, but it helps to see him like that in my mind. I still think sometimes of all the thing I would have liked to have done to him. Not that I could have done any of them. But he has left me with a fear of the outside world. I look behind me before walking down alleys now, I steer away from gangs of youths in town, I don't trust people as much as I once did.
But I try as hard as I can to keep on living on my own terms and I'm getting better. I know that it probably won't help but if you just try not to care about the little things then life gets so much easier. When I'm happy, little things that go wrong don't bother me. When I'm depressed they worry me and make me further depressed. It's a state of mind I guess.
mmm rambling I am. Listen to Grix you must. mmm. a man of wisdom he is.
(Grix knows how to handle women perfectly, don't you Grix? Go on, give him a lesson.)
Will you shut up about that!
(Nasty nasty boy. I bet she's dying to ring you now, just scared out of her mind in case you have a go at her again.)
Urgh... I didn't have a go at her...
Anyway, Ant, understand completely what you mean by the shell. :0)
I have little or no confidence really... but I've learned to block it out, and just write and work and do as much as I can. I do get little boosts every now and again, I mean, we all need them.
Don't take any of this the wrong way.
Your confidence is such a huge problem though... I honestly believe you'd be a better writer, if you simply just wrote with the knowledge in your mind that you're an absolutely fantastic writer. I think you really do hold yourself back too much, check everything, make sure it's ok for others, when really, it should just be great for you.
I mean, like this. This is a great piece of writing, and you said you didn't go back and check all the words... that's the first sign of great writing being formed, is when you just can't stop. When you don't care what you've written, you only care what you're going to write next... but you don't even have time to think, because it's just coming out anyway. :0D
So really. If you just go for something, believe that you're the great writer that you are, and really, really sink deep into a story, anything, I reckon you could pull off something quite spectacular.
I don't give much of a toss if people hate me moaning on about my little problems, or the fact that half the stuff I write is depressing deep crap, because that's what I write, and nobody's going to stop me. :0)
But you... I reckon you're hiding something deep down that you're refusing to bring to the surface. You're hiding behind something and trying to be something you're not... I mean, you've got a hell of a lot of anger and frustration built up in you, but you never release it... until the moment you don't need to. Remember tackling that kid playing football?
Write more of your deeper stuff. I know it's in there, and you know it too. Bring it right out to the surface, use it wisely, and you'll be utterly suprised at what you could create.
Will you shut up about that!
(Nasty nasty boy. I bet she's dying to ring you now, just scared out of her mind in case you have a go at her again.)
Urgh... I didn't have a go at her...
Anyway, Ant, understand completely what you mean by the shell. :0)
I have little or no confidence really... but I've learned to block it out, and just write and work and do as much as I can. I do get little boosts every now and again, I mean, we all need them.
Don't take any of this the wrong way.
Your confidence is such a huge problem though... I honestly believe you'd be a better writer, if you simply just wrote with the knowledge in your mind that you're an absolutely fantastic writer. I think you really do hold yourself back too much, check everything, make sure it's ok for others, when really, it should just be great for you.
I mean, like this. This is a great piece of writing, and you said you didn't go back and check all the words... that's the first sign of great writing being formed, is when you just can't stop. When you don't care what you've written, you only care what you're going to write next... but you don't even have time to think, because it's just coming out anyway. :0D
So really. If you just go for something, believe that you're the great writer that you are, and really, really sink deep into a story, anything, I reckon you could pull off something quite spectacular.
I don't give much of a toss if people hate me moaning on about my little problems, or the fact that half the stuff I write is depressing deep crap, because that's what I write, and nobody's going to stop me. :0)
But you... I reckon you're hiding something deep down that you're refusing to bring to the surface. You're hiding behind something and trying to be something you're not... I mean, you've got a hell of a lot of anger and frustration built up in you, but you never release it... until the moment you don't need to. Remember tackling that kid playing football?
Write more of your deeper stuff. I know it's in there, and you know it too. Bring it right out to the surface, use it wisely, and you'll be utterly suprised at what you could create.
The Shell is protective. Calming. Relaxing. Safe.
No, this isn't me trying to imitate everyone else by writing lots of really deep, meaningful stuff. No, that's not really my style. This is partly about me - well, it's taken from my own experiences, but it's also related to people in general.
The Shell is a reference, but I'm not sure what to. It's related to confidence, but it ISN'T confidence. The Shell is basically what I am, quiet. I don't like to shout my opinions to everybody (although I will do on these forums), I don't like to argue very much and I'm certainly not a confrontational sort of person.
New people. Girls. I just cannot feel comfortable around them...okay, of course I can around girls I know, but...
No, I'm going too far. From the start.
You guys tell me not to regret things, and I try not to. But there is one thing about my life I would like to change. When I was around four or five, I started Buttsbury Infants School. These were possibly the worst years of my life. I was already quite shy, but my time at this school made it so much worse...
Although she has apparently been successful in her job, my teacher terrorised me. She had an awful attitude towards us, no patience whatsoever and couldn't stand any of us after a few months of our company. We had her for three straight years. This scared me to death. I couldn't do my work properly because I was so frightened I'd do it wrong, and in the end I got in trouble for doing nothing.
I made sure, even in Year 2 that my Mum always walked with me into school. We weren't supposed to that in our final year, but I did. If my teacher saw this she would try and lead me away from her, but I would cry or just point-blank refuse to do it. She couldn't scare me if my mum was there.
In Year 1, we were queuing up to use the toilet before lunch. I was next, my hand resting between the wall and inside of the door. The door opened, shutting my fingers between it and the wall. Pain. I needed to be cared for, but my parents weren't there. So the teacher got angry, and then sent me to the medical office with an unbelievably arrogant girl who also used to get peeved off with me, just because I was this shy, little kid who couldn't do anything.
We walked into our first day of Year 2. A foul look spread across her pale features, and she growled, "Well, I’m extremely angry because I’ve got you lot again this year, so just sit down and shut up!”
During Art once (definitely one of my worse subjects), I was so nervous that I literally bunked off the afternoon by just staying in the toilet. She knew all right, but when the bell went I rushed in, grabbed my stuff and ran out again. By the next school day, thankfully, she’d forgotten. Or maybe not…I wouldn’t be surprised if she had some scam up her sleeve.
I saw her again a few years ago. I was in Year 5, Junior School, and I went to the Infant School Bazaar with my younger brother. I’m going a little ahead of myself, but by then I had gained much more confidence. Still not enough, but more. I had grown, maybe I seemed more threatening now. She was nice to me of course, so maybe I was wrong about her…but I don’t think so. I still shudder when I think of my Infant School days.
And since then, I have had to build myself up. I came out a nervous wreck and had to force myself to go to Junior school. I wouldn’t talk to anyone who wasn’t my friend (fortunately I had a few close ones), and I was the youngest in my class. Born the 5th August. By many of the girls in my class, most of whom were inexplicably taller than me treated me like a small child, especially in Years 3 and 4. However, Year 3 was the best of my Junior school. The teacher was very kind, and I went through the year gaining in confidence. Improving myself.
Over the past eight or so years I have been doing that. Some years have been tougher than others, but I’ve progressed. In the Juniors I couldn’t reach the “A” race in Sports Day, now I’m possibly the fastest in my year.
However, it still isn’t enough. At least that’s how it seems to me, and a lot of it I think is based on appearance. Unlike many of my mates in Junior school, I didn’t gel my hair or anything. Never looked anything special. I was one of the only ones who didn’t “go out” with any of the girls. So I entered Year 7 like this, still very quiet and shy, and with a quite blatant mullet. :D
This did my reputation no good, and as my former best friend grew further apart from me due to our now noticeable differences, I felt even worse. Fortunately, I got myself into a small little circle of friends. I found something to actually do with my hair to make it look better, and although I can’t make myself grow any taller I now feel much better about myself. Now in Year 10, and although I have gained confidence in massive amounts, it is still not enough. I would still class myself as ‘shy’.
For once I’m not checking back all the time to see if I’ve used the same word too many times, made any stupid grammar mistakes or anything, this is just me typing what comes to mind, so please excuse any grammatical errors. I also might go on a bit or not explain myself properly, but hopefully it’ll be okay.
The Shell, what is it? Well, in my mind, it’s shyness. It sort of protects me, you know? Stops me making myself looking stupid, means I don’t get into too many arguments or fights. This is basically why, I don’t mind. I’ve now realised that being shy is part of me. Being confident isn’t bad but it’s not always good, and being shy can be frustrating at times. But it’s who I am, and hopefully friends will like me for it. Maybe I wouldn’t have the friends I have now if I was extremely confident in myself, if I was shouting all the time and didn’t care how other people felt. I know most confident people aren’t like that, but some are.
Of course I’d like to be a little more confident, I’d like to be able to talk to people better. Hopefully when I go off to University in a few years I can walk in feeling good about myself, knowing I look reasonably okay and that I’ll be meeting with people who are a lot like me, and have the same interests.
Okay, I’ve droned on about myself long enough now. To be honest, I’m very lucky. I have a working body (with the exception of that damn stomach valve), and I’ve had a good life with a decent family. Okay, so when I look at some people around me I will feel unhappy that they have so much more confidence than me and that they probably enjoyed their time at Infant School, but overall I’m happy with the way things have turned out.
I prefer not to talk a lot of the time. I’d rather just sit there and listen and take everything in, than just talk all the time. Sometimes other people need to be heard, not just yourself all the time.
This is sort of a message to others who are like me. Shy, quiet, with different tastes from other people. Don’t be ashamed of it. I used to be, and still am sometimes, but shyness is part of you. If people can’t accept that, then they don’t matter. Feel fortunate that you’re not one of those loud-mouthed gits with no respect for other people, that are unfortunately abundant in this world.
Here’s where I’ll seem a bit mad. :) Being confident can be great though. If I’m hanging around with few close mates or my family, I feel good. When I’m around my cousins and their friends (including a girl my age) I’m confident in myself, and I love it. I try not to let it get the better of me though.
Humm…this post really makes no sense whatsoever. :D I hope that you can understand in some way what I mean by “The Shell”, and that I’m happy with it. It is hard to crack though, and maybe if I’d gone to a different Infant school then it wouldn’t be that way. I expect if I had, I would still be shy, but not so much. That would be cool.
But you can’t go back in time and change anything, so there’s no point worrying about it. I am who I am. Grix is Grix. Guyzer is Guyzer. Tony is Tony. There’s nothing we can do to change it, and so we may as well make the best of what we’ve got.
*nice girl walks up to Ant*
“Hey Ant.”
*runs away*
Thanks for reading this load of tripe, Ant.
No, this isn't me trying to imitate everyone else by writing lots of really deep, meaningful stuff. No, that's not really my style. This is partly about me - well, it's taken from my own experiences, but it's also related to people in general.
The Shell is a reference, but I'm not sure what to. It's related to confidence, but it ISN'T confidence. The Shell is basically what I am, quiet. I don't like to shout my opinions to everybody (although I will do on these forums), I don't like to argue very much and I'm certainly not a confrontational sort of person.
New people. Girls. I just cannot feel comfortable around them...okay, of course I can around girls I know, but...
No, I'm going too far. From the start.
You guys tell me not to regret things, and I try not to. But there is one thing about my life I would like to change. When I was around four or five, I started Buttsbury Infants School. These were possibly the worst years of my life. I was already quite shy, but my time at this school made it so much worse...
Although she has apparently been successful in her job, my teacher terrorised me. She had an awful attitude towards us, no patience whatsoever and couldn't stand any of us after a few months of our company. We had her for three straight years. This scared me to death. I couldn't do my work properly because I was so frightened I'd do it wrong, and in the end I got in trouble for doing nothing.
I made sure, even in Year 2 that my Mum always walked with me into school. We weren't supposed to that in our final year, but I did. If my teacher saw this she would try and lead me away from her, but I would cry or just point-blank refuse to do it. She couldn't scare me if my mum was there.
In Year 1, we were queuing up to use the toilet before lunch. I was next, my hand resting between the wall and inside of the door. The door opened, shutting my fingers between it and the wall. Pain. I needed to be cared for, but my parents weren't there. So the teacher got angry, and then sent me to the medical office with an unbelievably arrogant girl who also used to get peeved off with me, just because I was this shy, little kid who couldn't do anything.
We walked into our first day of Year 2. A foul look spread across her pale features, and she growled, "Well, I’m extremely angry because I’ve got you lot again this year, so just sit down and shut up!”
During Art once (definitely one of my worse subjects), I was so nervous that I literally bunked off the afternoon by just staying in the toilet. She knew all right, but when the bell went I rushed in, grabbed my stuff and ran out again. By the next school day, thankfully, she’d forgotten. Or maybe not…I wouldn’t be surprised if she had some scam up her sleeve.
I saw her again a few years ago. I was in Year 5, Junior School, and I went to the Infant School Bazaar with my younger brother. I’m going a little ahead of myself, but by then I had gained much more confidence. Still not enough, but more. I had grown, maybe I seemed more threatening now. She was nice to me of course, so maybe I was wrong about her…but I don’t think so. I still shudder when I think of my Infant School days.
And since then, I have had to build myself up. I came out a nervous wreck and had to force myself to go to Junior school. I wouldn’t talk to anyone who wasn’t my friend (fortunately I had a few close ones), and I was the youngest in my class. Born the 5th August. By many of the girls in my class, most of whom were inexplicably taller than me treated me like a small child, especially in Years 3 and 4. However, Year 3 was the best of my Junior school. The teacher was very kind, and I went through the year gaining in confidence. Improving myself.
Over the past eight or so years I have been doing that. Some years have been tougher than others, but I’ve progressed. In the Juniors I couldn’t reach the “A” race in Sports Day, now I’m possibly the fastest in my year.
However, it still isn’t enough. At least that’s how it seems to me, and a lot of it I think is based on appearance. Unlike many of my mates in Junior school, I didn’t gel my hair or anything. Never looked anything special. I was one of the only ones who didn’t “go out” with any of the girls. So I entered Year 7 like this, still very quiet and shy, and with a quite blatant mullet. :D
This did my reputation no good, and as my former best friend grew further apart from me due to our now noticeable differences, I felt even worse. Fortunately, I got myself into a small little circle of friends. I found something to actually do with my hair to make it look better, and although I can’t make myself grow any taller I now feel much better about myself. Now in Year 10, and although I have gained confidence in massive amounts, it is still not enough. I would still class myself as ‘shy’.
For once I’m not checking back all the time to see if I’ve used the same word too many times, made any stupid grammar mistakes or anything, this is just me typing what comes to mind, so please excuse any grammatical errors. I also might go on a bit or not explain myself properly, but hopefully it’ll be okay.
The Shell, what is it? Well, in my mind, it’s shyness. It sort of protects me, you know? Stops me making myself looking stupid, means I don’t get into too many arguments or fights. This is basically why, I don’t mind. I’ve now realised that being shy is part of me. Being confident isn’t bad but it’s not always good, and being shy can be frustrating at times. But it’s who I am, and hopefully friends will like me for it. Maybe I wouldn’t have the friends I have now if I was extremely confident in myself, if I was shouting all the time and didn’t care how other people felt. I know most confident people aren’t like that, but some are.
Of course I’d like to be a little more confident, I’d like to be able to talk to people better. Hopefully when I go off to University in a few years I can walk in feeling good about myself, knowing I look reasonably okay and that I’ll be meeting with people who are a lot like me, and have the same interests.
Okay, I’ve droned on about myself long enough now. To be honest, I’m very lucky. I have a working body (with the exception of that damn stomach valve), and I’ve had a good life with a decent family. Okay, so when I look at some people around me I will feel unhappy that they have so much more confidence than me and that they probably enjoyed their time at Infant School, but overall I’m happy with the way things have turned out.
I prefer not to talk a lot of the time. I’d rather just sit there and listen and take everything in, than just talk all the time. Sometimes other people need to be heard, not just yourself all the time.
This is sort of a message to others who are like me. Shy, quiet, with different tastes from other people. Don’t be ashamed of it. I used to be, and still am sometimes, but shyness is part of you. If people can’t accept that, then they don’t matter. Feel fortunate that you’re not one of those loud-mouthed gits with no respect for other people, that are unfortunately abundant in this world.
Here’s where I’ll seem a bit mad. :) Being confident can be great though. If I’m hanging around with few close mates or my family, I feel good. When I’m around my cousins and their friends (including a girl my age) I’m confident in myself, and I love it. I try not to let it get the better of me though.
Humm…this post really makes no sense whatsoever. :D I hope that you can understand in some way what I mean by “The Shell”, and that I’m happy with it. It is hard to crack though, and maybe if I’d gone to a different Infant school then it wouldn’t be that way. I expect if I had, I would still be shy, but not so much. That would be cool.
But you can’t go back in time and change anything, so there’s no point worrying about it. I am who I am. Grix is Grix. Guyzer is Guyzer. Tony is Tony. There’s nothing we can do to change it, and so we may as well make the best of what we’ve got.
*nice girl walks up to Ant*
“Hey Ant.”
*runs away*
Thanks for reading this load of tripe, Ant.