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Before anyone reads any further, please note everything I am about to write is strictly in the Brass Eye spirit. So please read it in the appropriate Jeremy Paxman style of speech. Chris Morris eat your dying, bleeding, diseased hazelnut of a heart out of your putrid twitching corpse and then read these words...
This morning's feature: COMPUTER USERS - THE DREGS OF HUMANITY?
There was once a time when computers were a thing only crazy people would dream in their most surreal Night-Nurse induced nightmares. They were things of science fiction. They were instruments of the devil. They were still in pieces of sand and ore, yet to be put together by someone who knew how to turn that into an electronic tool that spotty fools could pretend was their own. Now computers are all around us, they're even used in swimming galas! and that's all thanks to one man, Mr Osborne Oscar Computer. His name is heard in every house, and that's because his name is now a household one...
CM "SO, MR COMPUTER, YOU'RE A HOUSEHOLD NAME, YOU PUT COMPUTER MACHINES EVERYWHERE... WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING? HOW CAN YOU COME TO THIS INTERVIEW WITHOUT A MASSIVE GREAT BLACK BAG ON YOUR HEAD? DID YOU FEEL YOUR FATHER RESENTED YOU AS A CHILD? WHAT DID YOU HOPE TO ACHEIVE WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS COMPUTATIONS? I MEAN, WHY, WHY DID YOU DO IT?"
#tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss####
CM "IT WOULD SEEM WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF TECHNICAL TROUBLE GETTING THROUGH TO MR COMPUTER? THAT'S IRONIC REALLY... SEEING AS I CUT EVERY WIRE IN THAT BLOODY MACHINE OVER THERE. ha ha ha what an idiot"
Thanks loads to Mr Computer's total lack of co-operation with our highly probing investigation, we had to go undercover. In this next part of the report, which was previously termed 'the report: part 2' we decided to follow a computer 'user' with our hidden camera. With the camcorder our team had painstakingly created without using a single piece of computer, our undercover specialist, David Beckam, went to find out just how bad the problem had become. It was of upmost importance that Bex appeared to our computer 'user' to be just a simple man on the street. So he conducted the questioning in the street...
DB: "Er, excuse me mate, you don't know where I could get my hands on some Tetris do you?"
USER: "yeh, what you lookin for bruv? I got some game'n'watches man, this is the ish man, believe... Or if you're after some high grade stuff, I can get you an X-Box game for £50 a gram, but imma have to aks my cousin for that though."
DB: "...."
USER: "You ain't computer literate are you man?"
DB: "... computer what?"
CM (on ear piece): " OH GIVE IT HERE BEX YOU IGNORANT BUT STRANGLEY HOMOEROTIC FOOTBALLING ICON...
[to 'User']YOU, YES YOU, 'USER', THIS IS CRISP MORRISON... CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE SCUM, DEALING COMPUTERS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF... WHAT IF HE LET IT NEAR A DOG?
SO WHY DO YOU DO IT, SELL COMPUTERS, LIKE THEY WERE JUST PRODUCTS FROM A PRODUCTION MARKET?"
USER: "That's the way it goes down out here dnyamean, I mean I aint the one who does all the hackin and crackin, I just do what Big Bill tells me dnyamean. He might look like kinda a nerd but...
CM: "HACKIN AND CRACKIN SHMAKIN COMPUTER 'USER' I DON'T MIND THAT. HELL I HACKED UP MY NEIGHBOURS CAT, AND I PARTAKE IN CRACK SMOKING ON THE WEEKENDS, BUT BIG BILL? NOW YOU'RE BEING LESS REPRESENTATIVE OF A**E, WHO IS BIG BILL?, TELL ME, TELL ME... tell me."
USER:"Man, I aint never actually politicked with Big Bill man, I just get my orders from Steamy Porkins, he's some kinda half man, half computer man hybrid man, man, with wheels for feet and a brain all in his torso, man, with his vital organs in his mouth..."
CM: "HALF-MAN, HALF-COMPUTER!? BUGGERY FLIP! THIS IS A MONUMENTAL MENTAL DISASTER...."
So the time has come. Just as the prophet 'Kyle' had predicted, one day the world would be overrun my robots, 'computers' and 'terminators'. And that day has come. So now follows a serene clip of peacefulness to watch whilst you await your imminent assasination by the very screen before your eyes.
CM: " NO, BY THE VERY OFFSPRING OF JESUS, I WILL STOP THIS. WE STILL HAVE ONE WEAPON UP OUR NICELY-CUFFED SLEEVES. I WILL UNLEASH THIS PACKET OF MILLENIUM BUGS TO BRING BACK THE OLDE WORLDE OF THE DAYS I LOVED [sob] WE WILL BE FREE AGAIN"
Bex: "Crisp, that packet says Perennial Shrubs... I don't see how planting flowers that aren't gonna blossom for ages is gonna help?"
CM: "OH PSS OFF YOU CABBAGE! YOU PICKED A RIGHT TIME TO LEARN HOW TO READ."
#beeeeeeeeep#
#beep#
x click x
This morning's feature: COMPUTER USERS - THE DREGS OF HUMANITY?
There was once a time when computers were a thing only crazy people would dream in their most surreal Night-Nurse induced nightmares. They were things of science fiction. They were instruments of the devil. They were still in pieces of sand and ore, yet to be put together by someone who knew how to turn that into an electronic tool that spotty fools could pretend was their own. Now computers are all around us, they're even used in swimming galas! and that's all thanks to one man, Mr Osborne Oscar Computer. His name is heard in every house, and that's because his name is now a household one...
CM "SO, MR COMPUTER, YOU'RE A HOUSEHOLD NAME, YOU PUT COMPUTER MACHINES EVERYWHERE... WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING? HOW CAN YOU COME TO THIS INTERVIEW WITHOUT A MASSIVE GREAT BLACK BAG ON YOUR HEAD? DID YOU FEEL YOUR FATHER RESENTED YOU AS A CHILD? WHAT DID YOU HOPE TO ACHEIVE WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS COMPUTATIONS? I MEAN, WHY, WHY DID YOU DO IT?"
#tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss####
CM "IT WOULD SEEM WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF TECHNICAL TROUBLE GETTING THROUGH TO MR COMPUTER? THAT'S IRONIC REALLY... SEEING AS I CUT EVERY WIRE IN THAT BLOODY MACHINE OVER THERE. ha ha ha what an idiot"
Thanks loads to Mr Computer's total lack of co-operation with our highly probing investigation, we had to go undercover. In this next part of the report, which was previously termed 'the report: part 2' we decided to follow a computer 'user' with our hidden camera. With the camcorder our team had painstakingly created without using a single piece of computer, our undercover specialist, David Beckam, went to find out just how bad the problem had become. It was of upmost importance that Bex appeared to our computer 'user' to be just a simple man on the street. So he conducted the questioning in the street...
DB: "Er, excuse me mate, you don't know where I could get my hands on some Tetris do you?"
USER: "yeh, what you lookin for bruv? I got some game'n'watches man, this is the ish man, believe... Or if you're after some high grade stuff, I can get you an X-Box game for £50 a gram, but imma have to aks my cousin for that though."
DB: "...."
USER: "You ain't computer literate are you man?"
DB: "... computer what?"
CM (on ear piece): " OH GIVE IT HERE BEX YOU IGNORANT BUT STRANGLEY HOMOEROTIC FOOTBALLING ICON...
[to 'User']YOU, YES YOU, 'USER', THIS IS CRISP MORRISON... CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE SCUM, DEALING COMPUTERS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF... WHAT IF HE LET IT NEAR A DOG?
SO WHY DO YOU DO IT, SELL COMPUTERS, LIKE THEY WERE JUST PRODUCTS FROM A PRODUCTION MARKET?"
USER: "That's the way it goes down out here dnyamean, I mean I aint the one who does all the hackin and crackin, I just do what Big Bill tells me dnyamean. He might look like kinda a nerd but...
CM: "HACKIN AND CRACKIN SHMAKIN COMPUTER 'USER' I DON'T MIND THAT. HELL I HACKED UP MY NEIGHBOURS CAT, AND I PARTAKE IN CRACK SMOKING ON THE WEEKENDS, BUT BIG BILL? NOW YOU'RE BEING LESS REPRESENTATIVE OF A**E, WHO IS BIG BILL?, TELL ME, TELL ME... tell me."
USER:"Man, I aint never actually politicked with Big Bill man, I just get my orders from Steamy Porkins, he's some kinda half man, half computer man hybrid man, man, with wheels for feet and a brain all in his torso, man, with his vital organs in his mouth..."
CM: "HALF-MAN, HALF-COMPUTER!? BUGGERY FLIP! THIS IS A MONUMENTAL MENTAL DISASTER...."
So the time has come. Just as the prophet 'Kyle' had predicted, one day the world would be overrun my robots, 'computers' and 'terminators'. And that day has come. So now follows a serene clip of peacefulness to watch whilst you await your imminent assasination by the very screen before your eyes.
CM: " NO, BY THE VERY OFFSPRING OF JESUS, I WILL STOP THIS. WE STILL HAVE ONE WEAPON UP OUR NICELY-CUFFED SLEEVES. I WILL UNLEASH THIS PACKET OF MILLENIUM BUGS TO BRING BACK THE OLDE WORLDE OF THE DAYS I LOVED [sob] WE WILL BE FREE AGAIN"
Bex: "Crisp, that packet says Perennial Shrubs... I don't see how planting flowers that aren't gonna blossom for ages is gonna help?"
CM: "OH PSS OFF YOU CABBAGE! YOU PICKED A RIGHT TIME TO LEARN HOW TO READ."
#beeeeeeeeep#
#beep#
x click x
...or maybe a parody of a parody's just a stupid idea...
Before anyone reads any further, please note everything I am about to write is strictly in the Brass Eye spirit. So please read it in the appropriate Jeremy Paxman style of speech. Chris Morris eat your dying, bleeding, diseased hazelnut of a heart out of your putrid twitching corpse and then read these words...
This morning's feature: COMPUTER USERS - THE DREGS OF HUMANITY?
There was once a time when computers were a thing only crazy people would dream in their most surreal Night-Nurse induced nightmares. They were things of science fiction. They were instruments of the devil. They were still in pieces of sand and ore, yet to be put together by someone who knew how to turn that into an electronic tool that spotty fools could pretend was their own. Now computers are all around us, they're even used in swimming galas! and that's all thanks to one man, Mr Osborne Oscar Computer. His name is heard in every house, and that's because his name is now a household one...
CM "SO, MR COMPUTER, YOU'RE A HOUSEHOLD NAME, YOU PUT COMPUTER MACHINES EVERYWHERE... WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING? HOW CAN YOU COME TO THIS INTERVIEW WITHOUT A MASSIVE GREAT BLACK BAG ON YOUR HEAD? DID YOU FEEL YOUR FATHER RESENTED YOU AS A CHILD? WHAT DID YOU HOPE TO ACHEIVE WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS COMPUTATIONS? I MEAN, WHY, WHY DID YOU DO IT?"
#tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss####
CM "IT WOULD SEEM WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF TECHNICAL TROUBLE GETTING THROUGH TO MR COMPUTER? THAT'S IRONIC REALLY... SEEING AS I CUT EVERY WIRE IN THAT BLOODY MACHINE OVER THERE. ha ha ha what an idiot"
Thanks loads to Mr Computer's total lack of co-operation with our highly probing investigation, we had to go undercover. In this next part of the report, which was previously termed 'the report: part 2' we decided to follow a computer 'user' with our hidden camera. With the camcorder our team had painstakingly created without using a single piece of computer, our undercover specialist, David Beckam, went to find out just how bad the problem had become. It was of upmost importance that Bex appeared to our computer 'user' to be just a simple man on the street. So he conducted the questioning in the street...
DB: "Er, excuse me mate, you don't know where I could get my hands on some Tetris do you?"
USER: "yeh, what you lookin for bruv? I got some game'n'watches man, this is the ish man, believe... Or if you're after some high grade stuff, I can get you an X-Box game for £50 a gram, but imma have to aks my cousin for that though."
DB: "...."
USER: "You ain't computer literate are you man?"
DB: "... computer what?"
CM (on ear piece): " OH GIVE IT HERE BEX YOU IGNORANT BUT STRANGLEY HOMOEROTIC FOOTBALLING ICON...
[to 'User']YOU, YES YOU, 'USER', THIS IS CRISP MORRISON... CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE SCUM, DEALING COMPUTERS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF... WHAT IF HE LET IT NEAR A DOG?
SO WHY DO YOU DO IT, SELL COMPUTERS, LIKE THEY WERE JUST PRODUCTS FROM A PRODUCTION MARKET?"
USER: "That's the way it goes down out here dnyamean, I mean I aint the one who does all the hackin and crackin, I just do what Big Bill tells me dnyamean. He might look like kinda a nerd but...
CM: "HACKIN AND CRACKIN SHMAKIN COMPUTER 'USER' I DON'T MIND THAT. HELL I HACKED UP MY NEIGHBOURS CAT, AND I PARTAKE IN CRACK SMOKING ON THE WEEKENDS, BUT BIG BILL? NOW YOU'RE BEING LESS REPRESENTATIVE OF A**E, WHO IS BIG BILL?, TELL ME, TELL ME... tell me."
USER:"Man, I aint never actually politicked with Big Bill man, I just get my orders from Steamy Porkins, he's some kinda half man, half computer man hybrid man, man, with wheels for feet and a brain all in his torso, man, with his vital organs in his mouth..."
CM: "HALF-MAN, HALF-COMPUTER!? BUGGERY FLIP! THIS IS A MONUMENTAL MENTAL DISASTER...."
So the time has come. Just as the prophet 'Kyle' had predicted, one day the world would be overrun my robots, 'computers' and 'terminators'. And that day has come. So now follows a serene clip of peacefulness to watch whilst you await your imminent assasination by the very screen before your eyes.
CM: " NO, BY THE VERY OFFSPRING OF JESUS, I WILL STOP THIS. WE STILL HAVE ONE WEAPON UP OUR NICELY-CUFFED SLEEVES. I WILL UNLEASH THIS PACKET OF MILLENIUM BUGS TO BRING BACK THE OLDE WORLDE OF THE DAYS I LOVED [sob] WE WILL BE FREE AGAIN"
Bex: "Crisp, that packet says Perennial Shrubs... I don't see how planting flowers that aren't gonna blossom for ages is gonna help?"
CM: "OH PSS OFF YOU CABBAGE! YOU PICKED A RIGHT TIME TO LEARN HOW TO READ."
#beeeeeeeeep#
#beep#
x click x
This morning's feature: COMPUTER USERS - THE DREGS OF HUMANITY?
There was once a time when computers were a thing only crazy people would dream in their most surreal Night-Nurse induced nightmares. They were things of science fiction. They were instruments of the devil. They were still in pieces of sand and ore, yet to be put together by someone who knew how to turn that into an electronic tool that spotty fools could pretend was their own. Now computers are all around us, they're even used in swimming galas! and that's all thanks to one man, Mr Osborne Oscar Computer. His name is heard in every house, and that's because his name is now a household one...
CM "SO, MR COMPUTER, YOU'RE A HOUSEHOLD NAME, YOU PUT COMPUTER MACHINES EVERYWHERE... WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING? HOW CAN YOU COME TO THIS INTERVIEW WITHOUT A MASSIVE GREAT BLACK BAG ON YOUR HEAD? DID YOU FEEL YOUR FATHER RESENTED YOU AS A CHILD? WHAT DID YOU HOPE TO ACHEIVE WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS COMPUTATIONS? I MEAN, WHY, WHY DID YOU DO IT?"
#tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss####
CM "IT WOULD SEEM WE'RE HAVING A BIT OF TECHNICAL TROUBLE GETTING THROUGH TO MR COMPUTER? THAT'S IRONIC REALLY... SEEING AS I CUT EVERY WIRE IN THAT BLOODY MACHINE OVER THERE. ha ha ha what an idiot"
Thanks loads to Mr Computer's total lack of co-operation with our highly probing investigation, we had to go undercover. In this next part of the report, which was previously termed 'the report: part 2' we decided to follow a computer 'user' with our hidden camera. With the camcorder our team had painstakingly created without using a single piece of computer, our undercover specialist, David Beckam, went to find out just how bad the problem had become. It was of upmost importance that Bex appeared to our computer 'user' to be just a simple man on the street. So he conducted the questioning in the street...
DB: "Er, excuse me mate, you don't know where I could get my hands on some Tetris do you?"
USER: "yeh, what you lookin for bruv? I got some game'n'watches man, this is the ish man, believe... Or if you're after some high grade stuff, I can get you an X-Box game for £50 a gram, but imma have to aks my cousin for that though."
DB: "...."
USER: "You ain't computer literate are you man?"
DB: "... computer what?"
CM (on ear piece): " OH GIVE IT HERE BEX YOU IGNORANT BUT STRANGLEY HOMOEROTIC FOOTBALLING ICON...
[to 'User']YOU, YES YOU, 'USER', THIS IS CRISP MORRISON... CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE SCUM, DEALING COMPUTERS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF... WHAT IF HE LET IT NEAR A DOG?
SO WHY DO YOU DO IT, SELL COMPUTERS, LIKE THEY WERE JUST PRODUCTS FROM A PRODUCTION MARKET?"
USER: "That's the way it goes down out here dnyamean, I mean I aint the one who does all the hackin and crackin, I just do what Big Bill tells me dnyamean. He might look like kinda a nerd but...
CM: "HACKIN AND CRACKIN SHMAKIN COMPUTER 'USER' I DON'T MIND THAT. HELL I HACKED UP MY NEIGHBOURS CAT, AND I PARTAKE IN CRACK SMOKING ON THE WEEKENDS, BUT BIG BILL? NOW YOU'RE BEING LESS REPRESENTATIVE OF A**E, WHO IS BIG BILL?, TELL ME, TELL ME... tell me."
USER:"Man, I aint never actually politicked with Big Bill man, I just get my orders from Steamy Porkins, he's some kinda half man, half computer man hybrid man, man, with wheels for feet and a brain all in his torso, man, with his vital organs in his mouth..."
CM: "HALF-MAN, HALF-COMPUTER!? BUGGERY FLIP! THIS IS A MONUMENTAL MENTAL DISASTER...."
So the time has come. Just as the prophet 'Kyle' had predicted, one day the world would be overrun my robots, 'computers' and 'terminators'. And that day has come. So now follows a serene clip of peacefulness to watch whilst you await your imminent assasination by the very screen before your eyes.
CM: " NO, BY THE VERY OFFSPRING OF JESUS, I WILL STOP THIS. WE STILL HAVE ONE WEAPON UP OUR NICELY-CUFFED SLEEVES. I WILL UNLEASH THIS PACKET OF MILLENIUM BUGS TO BRING BACK THE OLDE WORLDE OF THE DAYS I LOVED [sob] WE WILL BE FREE AGAIN"
Bex: "Crisp, that packet says Perennial Shrubs... I don't see how planting flowers that aren't gonna blossom for ages is gonna help?"
CM: "OH PSS OFF YOU CABBAGE! YOU PICKED A RIGHT TIME TO LEARN HOW TO READ."
#beeeeeeeeep#
#beep#
x click x