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Some are sexist. Hope no-one finds them in too bad taste!
*******
Bug on the Windscreen
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices ... suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the mans pecker ... angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car...
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him ... all of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?!?"...
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey"
.. the daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says..."sure had a big"
*******
Kenny the Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. - WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again -WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
*******
Have you been drinking?
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.
The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly- it was the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat gave it away."
********
An Executive Decision
An executive was in a quandry. He had to get rid of one of his staff.He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
*******
Kevin Keegan - does he have a clue what he's saying ??
(1) "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
(2) "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card."
(3) "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
(4) "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."
(5) "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
(6) "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."
(7) "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
(8) "The tide is very much in our court now."
(9) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
(10) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different."
(11) "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon."
(12) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."
(13) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
(14) "It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."
(15) "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.
*******
Top Tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent marker pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it is gone.
Give VIZ and other comics that "Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
MSN users. Save yourself a lot of time and money by simply ringing a public call box and waiting for some sad to walk by with nothing to do than answer it.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little bit slower and letting someone else win.
Avoid drink driving by freezing beer in an ice maker, then eating it.
Lorry drivers. Keep your indicator on for half an hour after each manoeuvre in order to keep us car drivers on our toes.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Road rage drivers. Settle your dispute honourably by removing your car aerials and having a fencing duel. The aerials will retract if they hit a solid object, thus preventing serious injury.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Car tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.
Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
Why pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Micra Drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
*******
Bug on the Windscreen
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices ... suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the mans pecker ... angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car...
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him ... all of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?!?"...
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey"
.. the daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says..."sure had a big"
*******
Kenny the Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. - WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again -WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
*******
Have you been drinking?
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.
The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly- it was the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat gave it away."
********
An Executive Decision
An executive was in a quandry. He had to get rid of one of his staff.He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
*******
Kevin Keegan - does he have a clue what he's saying ??
(1) "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
(2) "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card."
(3) "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
(4) "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."
(5) "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
(6) "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."
(7) "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
(8) "The tide is very much in our court now."
(9) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
(10) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different."
(11) "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon."
(12) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."
(13) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
(14) "It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."
(15) "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.
*******
Top Tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent marker pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it is gone.
Give VIZ and other comics that "Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
MSN users. Save yourself a lot of time and money by simply ringing a public call box and waiting for some sad to walk by with nothing to do than answer it.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little bit slower and letting someone else win.
Avoid drink driving by freezing beer in an ice maker, then eating it.
Lorry drivers. Keep your indicator on for half an hour after each manoeuvre in order to keep us car drivers on our toes.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Road rage drivers. Settle your dispute honourably by removing your car aerials and having a fencing duel. The aerials will retract if they hit a solid object, thus preventing serious injury.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Car tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.
Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
Why pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Micra Drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
Well, life's all about laughter, so it's just as welcome here as in chat, only here I won't see so many awful, awful topics.
Excellent stuff though. Much appreciated.
Apologies, I meant to post this in chat
GH
GH
Some are sexist. Hope no-one finds them in too bad taste!
*******
Bug on the Windscreen
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices ... suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the mans pecker ... angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car...
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him ... all of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?!?"...
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey"
.. the daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says..."sure had a big"
*******
Kenny the Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. - WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again -WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
*******
Have you been drinking?
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.
The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly- it was the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat gave it away."
********
An Executive Decision
An executive was in a quandry. He had to get rid of one of his staff.He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
*******
Kevin Keegan - does he have a clue what he's saying ??
(1) "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
(2) "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card."
(3) "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
(4) "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."
(5) "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
(6) "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."
(7) "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
(8) "The tide is very much in our court now."
(9) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
(10) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different."
(11) "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon."
(12) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."
(13) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
(14) "It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."
(15) "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.
*******
Top Tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent marker pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it is gone.
Give VIZ and other comics that "Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
MSN users. Save yourself a lot of time and money by simply ringing a public call box and waiting for some sad to walk by with nothing to do than answer it.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little bit slower and letting someone else win.
Avoid drink driving by freezing beer in an ice maker, then eating it.
Lorry drivers. Keep your indicator on for half an hour after each manoeuvre in order to keep us car drivers on our toes.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Road rage drivers. Settle your dispute honourably by removing your car aerials and having a fencing duel. The aerials will retract if they hit a solid object, thus preventing serious injury.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Car tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.
Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
Why pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Micra Drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
*******
Bug on the Windscreen
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices ... suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the mans pecker ... angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car...
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a fella with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him ... all of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?!?"...
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey"
.. the daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says..."sure had a big"
*******
Kenny the Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. - WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again -WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
*******
Have you been drinking?
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.
The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly- it was the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat gave it away."
********
An Executive Decision
An executive was in a quandry. He had to get rid of one of his staff.He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
*******
Kevin Keegan - does he have a clue what he's saying ??
(1) "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
(2) "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card."
(3) "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."
(4) "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."
(5) "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
(6) "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."
(7) "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
(8) "The tide is very much in our court now."
(9) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
(10) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different."
(11) "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon."
(12) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."
(13) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
(14) "It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney."
(15) "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.
*******
Top Tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent marker pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it is gone.
Give VIZ and other comics that "Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
MSN users. Save yourself a lot of time and money by simply ringing a public call box and waiting for some sad to walk by with nothing to do than answer it.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little bit slower and letting someone else win.
Avoid drink driving by freezing beer in an ice maker, then eating it.
Lorry drivers. Keep your indicator on for half an hour after each manoeuvre in order to keep us car drivers on our toes.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Road rage drivers. Settle your dispute honourably by removing your car aerials and having a fencing duel. The aerials will retract if they hit a solid object, thus preventing serious injury.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Car tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal packets of Polos for short sighted giants.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.
Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".
Why pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Micra Drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.