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Note: Alternate name considered was “Metal Queer Solid”, but I thought that could be deemed a little too offensive.
Cast:
Dale Winton
Graham Norton
Elton John
Jeremy Spake
George Michael
Boy George
Stephen Gately
And introducing Will Young
The story starts on the rain lashed streets of London, where Dale Winton driving the ‘Pink Dale Groovy Camp Car of Gayness’, was heading to BBC Television Centre to film his latest TV programme ‘Celebrities & Their Handbags’.
With him in the car was his equally camp friend, Graham Norton.
It seemed like just an ordinary day, but as the camp duo pulled up to the car park area, it seemed quiet, but too quiet for Dale’s liking.
Dale—“Don’t you think it looks a bit flat around here Graham?”
Graham—“Not from where I’m sitting Dale *nudge nudge*”.
Dale—“It seems strange that there’s no security guards around. I’m going to venture inside the centre, I want you to stay in the car and keep a watch for anything suspicious.”
Graham—“O.K Dale, I’ll cover your ass.”
Dale—“Oooo I love it when you talk dirty Graham!”
So Dale got out of the car, the rain was still pouring down, and as he didn’t want to get his freshly pressed Safari Suit wet he started to run like a girl towards the centre.
He mooched into the reception area, but there was still nobody to be seen. Just as Dale was about to use the telephone and call for some assistance, he noticed a note on the reception desk. It was from Dale’s arch nemeses, the ‘Sons of Campness’!
It read:
Hello Dale, long time no see; I’ve been expecting you to turn up.
This is your old pal Elton John. What, you thought I was dead didn’t you? Ha ha ha, well think again!
I’m back and now I’m in control, and together with my band of gay musicians, we will rule the world!!
My gay minions have constructed a giant satellite dish on the roof of BBC Centre, and I will use the nations airwaves to broadcast camp songs, love melodies and gay propaganda to the world and show that gay musicians are better than gay TV personalities, HA HA HA!!
Signed, your old pal,
Elton.
Dale—“Ooo that cheeky bounder, I must stop him!”
Dales first port of call was to head to the locker room. As he crept along the corridor, at the end was a patrolling unit of large sailors with tight t-shirts and leather trousers.
Dale looked longingly, but he had a mission—to foil Elton’s plans and prove that TV personalities could be more camp than music ones.
He eventually made it to the locker room, where many times Dale had dropped the soap on purpose. He opened his locker, and donned his Solid Snake style all-in-one leather look sneaking suit.
When in the locker room, Dale contacted Graham via their in-built camp codec.
Dale—“Hello Graham, can you hear me?”
Graham—“Well hello again Dale!”
Dale—“Graham, Elton is still alive!!”
Graham—“What, I thought you got rid of him in ‘The Elton Wig Burning Incident’.
Dale—“That’s what I thought, but he’s back, and now he and his group of camp musicians have taken over the centre. It’s up to me to stop him.”
Graham—“OK Dale, I’ll stay down here and keep a watch out, you go and defeat Elton.”
So Dale left the locker room and began to head for the broadcasting control room. However, he noticed a security camera. Seeing as Dale had left his Chaff Grenades at home, he decided to spray his overly whiffy perfume at it to disable the sensors.
Having past the security cameras, Dale proceeded to the Blue Peter studio, where he knew there was something that would help him….
Minutes later, Dale had sneaked past many cameras and sailor patrol units, and eventually arrived at the Blue Peter studio. As a huge fan of the show, Dale knew that the previous week, the show had been about modern military weapons, and they had many examples of firepower in the studio.
So, much like Arnie in ‘Commando’, Dale suited up with all the weapons he could carry, and left the studio.
But, just as he left the area, he heard a voice:
“Stop right there Mr. Winton.”
Dale stopped and turned around to face the man who spoke.
It was Jeremy Spake!!
Dale—“Jeremy, I’m I glad to see you! How did you manage to escape the clutches of the Sons of Campness?
Jeremy—“Wouldn’t you like to know. Actually, I didn’t escape, they let me go.”
Dale—“Why did they let you go?”
Jeremy—“Well actually Dale, I’m ‘playing for the other team’.”
Dale—“Yes, in more ways than one *nudge nudge*.”
Jeremy then pointed a gun at Dale.
Jeremy—“Drop your weapons Dale.”
Dale—“Jeremy, what are you doing, have you forgotten what I mean to you?”
Jeremy—“For all these years since I first arrived on the TV scene, I’ve been yearning for a musical career as well. Elton had returned from his exile after you burnt his wig and hideously disfigured his face, and offered me the chance to release a record. It was to be a duet with him, but he’d only let me do it on one condition: in exchange for the song opportunity, I had to assist him in capturing you.”
Dale relinquished all of his weapons and a team of beefy sailors detained him and knocked him unconscious.
*Some time later*
Dale awoke from his enforced slumber; he was tied up and had the badly burnt face of Elton John gurning in his direction.
Elton—“This is your meddling did to my face Dale, if only you hadn’t released that Christmas number 1 record, our paths would never have crossed and the wig burning incident would never have happened. I’m getting annoyed at the amount of camp TV personalities releasing singles these days that enter the charts higher than real musicians work. So I’ve decided to set up this satellite to brain wash the world into loving camp musicians rather than camp TV personalities.”
Dale—“The wig burning incident was your fault as you should have been more careful with your cigar ashes! You’ll never get away with this you cad.”
Elton—“I think I will. In the meantime I’ll leave you with my associates.”
Elton left the room, heading for the roof. George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young walked in to torture Dale.
Will—“I know, lets untie him and rough him up a bit.”
George—“Good idea Will, we’ve never liked you Dale as you always held the nations affections as their favourite camp icon.”
So the team untied Dale ready to give him a savage beating…BUT…
Boy George—“Ooooo is that a gun in your pocket Dale, or are you just pleased to see me, ha ha ha.”
The boys all laughed at Boy George’s hilarious innuendo.
Dale—“Actually, It is a gun!! Your foolish guards didn’t think to check my codpiece for weaponry!!”
So without stalling, Dale pulled out his gun and shot out at the camp musicians, disabling them all by hitting them in the legs (he didn’t want to kill them as he was a peace loving and nice man).
Before leaving the room, Dale picked up all his artillery, and headed for the control room.
He ran along the corridors like a John Woo style hero, shooting guards in the legs and taking out security cameras, until he finally made it to the room.
He smashed down the door to the control room.
Dale—“KNOCK KNOCK!”
He burst in and took out all the guards in the room, and then destroyed the controls to the gay propaganda satellite, and therefore stopping its signals.
Dale then headed for the roof for the final showdown with Elton.
Upon arriving at the roof area, Dale used his binoculars and saw Elton handing over a record contract to that snake in the grass Jeremy.
Dale aimed his gun at the contract and fired. The piece of paper ripped to shreds and the conspiring musicians turned to face Dale. Dale aimed another shot at Jeremy’s legs, but the gun had run out of bullets!!
Seeing his opportunity to escape, Elton ran off, but Dale chased Jeremy and cornered him.
Jeremy—“Please don’t hurt me Dale, I just wanted a pop career and to get a Christmas number 1 like you did, forgive me.”
Dale—“OK, all is forgiven.”
Dale went up to shake his hand, but swiftly got Jeremy in an arm lock and gave him a judo chop to the back of the neck, knocking him out cold.
Dale—“You can say all your apologies to the police you big fool.”
Dale then looked around for Elton, who had tripped over and as he was a rather large man, he couldn’t get back up again.
Dale walked over to Elton, but as he approached, Elton suddenly leaped up and began to attack Dale!!
A ‘handbag’ fight ensued, with both men dishing out a plentiful supply of girly slaps, but then Dale resorted to hair pulling, with unexpected results.....
Having expected Elton’s wig to come off in his hands, Dale was surprised when no matter how hard he pulled, Elton’s wig didn’t come off!
Dale—“This is real hair! You’re not the real Elton John!
Elton Clone—“No, I’m not the real Elton John, I’m merely a clone made in a laboratory. Using cells from Elton John, scientists were able to grow an artificial clone. I was the result, and for many years I have been forced to do Elton’s dirty work, whilst he hides in his hollowed-out volcano lair and concocts evil plans.
Then all of a sudden, the ground started to shake, and a giant robot jumped up onto the roof of Television Centre and knocked the Elton clone a mile through the air
Dale—“What the hell!!!”
Elton—“Do you like my new toy Dale? I call it the ‘Metal Gear Elton’. Having achieved great success and earned billions of pounds with my massive music career, I was able to buy plans for this machine over Ebay. Luckily for me, I found a man named ‘Revolver Ocelot’ who was willing to sell me blueprints for ‘Metal Gear Ray’. After years of research and construction, this beautiful device is the result. Though you may have foiled my plans for a world populated by lovers of gay music, and revealed the identity of my clone, I will still use this robot to destroy you ha ha ha!!”
The robot swung its giant arm in Dale’s direction, narrowly missing his well coiffed hair, but it struck a wall, showering debris all around. Dale rolled along the floor in dodging its many attacks, until he remembered something: amongst the many weapons he purloined from the Blue Peter studio was a Stinger Missile launcher! He had dropped it when apprehending Jeremy and fighting the clone, so Dale managed to cross over to the other side of the roof, and snatched the missile launcher.
Despite the giant robot continuing its unrelenting assaults, Dale managed to aim the launcher and fired a shot, hitting the robot on its exposed weak spot (heh, all enemy robots have weak spots).
The Metal Gear Elton crashed down to the ground below. Dale ran over to the edge of the roof, only to see Elton escape from the wreckage and run to a nearby vehicle to make his escape.
Although Dale didn’t capture Elton, he had saved the day and kept the nations airwaves free of crappy love songs and gay musician propaganda, whilst restoring the public’s faith in camp TV personalities.
Dale made his way back down to the car park, and met up again with Graham.
Graham—“So, how did it go Dale?”
Dale—“It was tough; I shot loads of gay pop stars, destroyed Elton John’s giant robot, stole all the high powered weapons from the Blue Peter studio and had a fight with a clone of Elton John.”
Graham—“So, in the end it was just an ordinary day in the life of Dale Winton!”
THE END
Elton John may return....
Cast:
Dale Winton
Graham Norton
Elton John
Jeremy Spake
George Michael
Boy George
Stephen Gately
And introducing Will Young
The story starts on the rain lashed streets of London, where Dale Winton driving the ‘Pink Dale Groovy Camp Car of Gayness’, was heading to BBC Television Centre to film his latest TV programme ‘Celebrities & Their Handbags’.
With him in the car was his equally camp friend, Graham Norton.
It seemed like just an ordinary day, but as the camp duo pulled up to the car park area, it seemed quiet, but too quiet for Dale’s liking.
Dale—“Don’t you think it looks a bit flat around here Graham?”
Graham—“Not from where I’m sitting Dale *nudge nudge*”.
Dale—“It seems strange that there’s no security guards around. I’m going to venture inside the centre, I want you to stay in the car and keep a watch for anything suspicious.”
Graham—“O.K Dale, I’ll cover your ass.”
Dale—“Oooo I love it when you talk dirty Graham!”
So Dale got out of the car, the rain was still pouring down, and as he didn’t want to get his freshly pressed Safari Suit wet he started to run like a girl towards the centre.
He mooched into the reception area, but there was still nobody to be seen. Just as Dale was about to use the telephone and call for some assistance, he noticed a note on the reception desk. It was from Dale’s arch nemeses, the ‘Sons of Campness’!
It read:
Hello Dale, long time no see; I’ve been expecting you to turn up.
This is your old pal Elton John. What, you thought I was dead didn’t you? Ha ha ha, well think again!
I’m back and now I’m in control, and together with my band of gay musicians, we will rule the world!!
My gay minions have constructed a giant satellite dish on the roof of BBC Centre, and I will use the nations airwaves to broadcast camp songs, love melodies and gay propaganda to the world and show that gay musicians are better than gay TV personalities, HA HA HA!!
Signed, your old pal,
Elton.
Dale—“Ooo that cheeky bounder, I must stop him!”
Dales first port of call was to head to the locker room. As he crept along the corridor, at the end was a patrolling unit of large sailors with tight t-shirts and leather trousers.
Dale looked longingly, but he had a mission—to foil Elton’s plans and prove that TV personalities could be more camp than music ones.
He eventually made it to the locker room, where many times Dale had dropped the soap on purpose. He opened his locker, and donned his Solid Snake style all-in-one leather look sneaking suit.
When in the locker room, Dale contacted Graham via their in-built camp codec.
Dale—“Hello Graham, can you hear me?”
Graham—“Well hello again Dale!”
Dale—“Graham, Elton is still alive!!”
Graham—“What, I thought you got rid of him in ‘The Elton Wig Burning Incident’.
Dale—“That’s what I thought, but he’s back, and now he and his group of camp musicians have taken over the centre. It’s up to me to stop him.”
Graham—“OK Dale, I’ll stay down here and keep a watch out, you go and defeat Elton.”
So Dale left the locker room and began to head for the broadcasting control room. However, he noticed a security camera. Seeing as Dale had left his Chaff Grenades at home, he decided to spray his overly whiffy perfume at it to disable the sensors.
Having past the security cameras, Dale proceeded to the Blue Peter studio, where he knew there was something that would help him….
Minutes later, Dale had sneaked past many cameras and sailor patrol units, and eventually arrived at the Blue Peter studio. As a huge fan of the show, Dale knew that the previous week, the show had been about modern military weapons, and they had many examples of firepower in the studio.
So, much like Arnie in ‘Commando’, Dale suited up with all the weapons he could carry, and left the studio.
But, just as he left the area, he heard a voice:
“Stop right there Mr. Winton.”
Dale stopped and turned around to face the man who spoke.
It was Jeremy Spake!!
Dale—“Jeremy, I’m I glad to see you! How did you manage to escape the clutches of the Sons of Campness?
Jeremy—“Wouldn’t you like to know. Actually, I didn’t escape, they let me go.”
Dale—“Why did they let you go?”
Jeremy—“Well actually Dale, I’m ‘playing for the other team’.”
Dale—“Yes, in more ways than one *nudge nudge*.”
Jeremy then pointed a gun at Dale.
Jeremy—“Drop your weapons Dale.”
Dale—“Jeremy, what are you doing, have you forgotten what I mean to you?”
Jeremy—“For all these years since I first arrived on the TV scene, I’ve been yearning for a musical career as well. Elton had returned from his exile after you burnt his wig and hideously disfigured his face, and offered me the chance to release a record. It was to be a duet with him, but he’d only let me do it on one condition: in exchange for the song opportunity, I had to assist him in capturing you.”
Dale relinquished all of his weapons and a team of beefy sailors detained him and knocked him unconscious.
*Some time later*
Dale awoke from his enforced slumber; he was tied up and had the badly burnt face of Elton John gurning in his direction.
Elton—“This is your meddling did to my face Dale, if only you hadn’t released that Christmas number 1 record, our paths would never have crossed and the wig burning incident would never have happened. I’m getting annoyed at the amount of camp TV personalities releasing singles these days that enter the charts higher than real musicians work. So I’ve decided to set up this satellite to brain wash the world into loving camp musicians rather than camp TV personalities.”
Dale—“The wig burning incident was your fault as you should have been more careful with your cigar ashes! You’ll never get away with this you cad.”
Elton—“I think I will. In the meantime I’ll leave you with my associates.”
Elton left the room, heading for the roof. George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young walked in to torture Dale.
Will—“I know, lets untie him and rough him up a bit.”
George—“Good idea Will, we’ve never liked you Dale as you always held the nations affections as their favourite camp icon.”
So the team untied Dale ready to give him a savage beating…BUT…
Boy George—“Ooooo is that a gun in your pocket Dale, or are you just pleased to see me, ha ha ha.”
The boys all laughed at Boy George’s hilarious innuendo.
Dale—“Actually, It is a gun!! Your foolish guards didn’t think to check my codpiece for weaponry!!”
So without stalling, Dale pulled out his gun and shot out at the camp musicians, disabling them all by hitting them in the legs (he didn’t want to kill them as he was a peace loving and nice man).
Before leaving the room, Dale picked up all his artillery, and headed for the control room.
He ran along the corridors like a John Woo style hero, shooting guards in the legs and taking out security cameras, until he finally made it to the room.
He smashed down the door to the control room.
Dale—“KNOCK KNOCK!”
He burst in and took out all the guards in the room, and then destroyed the controls to the gay propaganda satellite, and therefore stopping its signals.
Dale then headed for the roof for the final showdown with Elton.
Upon arriving at the roof area, Dale used his binoculars and saw Elton handing over a record contract to that snake in the grass Jeremy.
Dale aimed his gun at the contract and fired. The piece of paper ripped to shreds and the conspiring musicians turned to face Dale. Dale aimed another shot at Jeremy’s legs, but the gun had run out of bullets!!
Seeing his opportunity to escape, Elton ran off, but Dale chased Jeremy and cornered him.
Jeremy—“Please don’t hurt me Dale, I just wanted a pop career and to get a Christmas number 1 like you did, forgive me.”
Dale—“OK, all is forgiven.”
Dale went up to shake his hand, but swiftly got Jeremy in an arm lock and gave him a judo chop to the back of the neck, knocking him out cold.
Dale—“You can say all your apologies to the police you big fool.”
Dale then looked around for Elton, who had tripped over and as he was a rather large man, he couldn’t get back up again.
Dale walked over to Elton, but as he approached, Elton suddenly leaped up and began to attack Dale!!
A ‘handbag’ fight ensued, with both men dishing out a plentiful supply of girly slaps, but then Dale resorted to hair pulling, with unexpected results.....
Having expected Elton’s wig to come off in his hands, Dale was surprised when no matter how hard he pulled, Elton’s wig didn’t come off!
Dale—“This is real hair! You’re not the real Elton John!
Elton Clone—“No, I’m not the real Elton John, I’m merely a clone made in a laboratory. Using cells from Elton John, scientists were able to grow an artificial clone. I was the result, and for many years I have been forced to do Elton’s dirty work, whilst he hides in his hollowed-out volcano lair and concocts evil plans.
Then all of a sudden, the ground started to shake, and a giant robot jumped up onto the roof of Television Centre and knocked the Elton clone a mile through the air
Dale—“What the hell!!!”
Elton—“Do you like my new toy Dale? I call it the ‘Metal Gear Elton’. Having achieved great success and earned billions of pounds with my massive music career, I was able to buy plans for this machine over Ebay. Luckily for me, I found a man named ‘Revolver Ocelot’ who was willing to sell me blueprints for ‘Metal Gear Ray’. After years of research and construction, this beautiful device is the result. Though you may have foiled my plans for a world populated by lovers of gay music, and revealed the identity of my clone, I will still use this robot to destroy you ha ha ha!!”
The robot swung its giant arm in Dale’s direction, narrowly missing his well coiffed hair, but it struck a wall, showering debris all around. Dale rolled along the floor in dodging its many attacks, until he remembered something: amongst the many weapons he purloined from the Blue Peter studio was a Stinger Missile launcher! He had dropped it when apprehending Jeremy and fighting the clone, so Dale managed to cross over to the other side of the roof, and snatched the missile launcher.
Despite the giant robot continuing its unrelenting assaults, Dale managed to aim the launcher and fired a shot, hitting the robot on its exposed weak spot (heh, all enemy robots have weak spots).
The Metal Gear Elton crashed down to the ground below. Dale ran over to the edge of the roof, only to see Elton escape from the wreckage and run to a nearby vehicle to make his escape.
Although Dale didn’t capture Elton, he had saved the day and kept the nations airwaves free of crappy love songs and gay musician propaganda, whilst restoring the public’s faith in camp TV personalities.
Dale made his way back down to the car park, and met up again with Graham.
Graham—“So, how did it go Dale?”
Dale—“It was tough; I shot loads of gay pop stars, destroyed Elton John’s giant robot, stole all the high powered weapons from the Blue Peter studio and had a fight with a clone of Elton John.”
Graham—“So, in the end it was just an ordinary day in the life of Dale Winton!”
THE END
Elton John may return....
Note: Alternate name considered was “Metal Queer Solid”, but I thought that could be deemed a little too offensive.
Cast:
Dale Winton
Graham Norton
Elton John
Jeremy Spake
George Michael
Boy George
Stephen Gately
And introducing Will Young
The story starts on the rain lashed streets of London, where Dale Winton driving the ‘Pink Dale Groovy Camp Car of Gayness’, was heading to BBC Television Centre to film his latest TV programme ‘Celebrities & Their Handbags’.
With him in the car was his equally camp friend, Graham Norton.
It seemed like just an ordinary day, but as the camp duo pulled up to the car park area, it seemed quiet, but too quiet for Dale’s liking.
Dale—“Don’t you think it looks a bit flat around here Graham?”
Graham—“Not from where I’m sitting Dale *nudge nudge*”.
Dale—“It seems strange that there’s no security guards around. I’m going to venture inside the centre, I want you to stay in the car and keep a watch for anything suspicious.”
Graham—“O.K Dale, I’ll cover your ass.”
Dale—“Oooo I love it when you talk dirty Graham!”
So Dale got out of the car, the rain was still pouring down, and as he didn’t want to get his freshly pressed Safari Suit wet he started to run like a girl towards the centre.
He mooched into the reception area, but there was still nobody to be seen. Just as Dale was about to use the telephone and call for some assistance, he noticed a note on the reception desk. It was from Dale’s arch nemeses, the ‘Sons of Campness’!
It read:
Hello Dale, long time no see; I’ve been expecting you to turn up.
This is your old pal Elton John. What, you thought I was dead didn’t you? Ha ha ha, well think again!
I’m back and now I’m in control, and together with my band of gay musicians, we will rule the world!!
My gay minions have constructed a giant satellite dish on the roof of BBC Centre, and I will use the nations airwaves to broadcast camp songs, love melodies and gay propaganda to the world and show that gay musicians are better than gay TV personalities, HA HA HA!!
Signed, your old pal,
Elton.
Dale—“Ooo that cheeky bounder, I must stop him!”
Dales first port of call was to head to the locker room. As he crept along the corridor, at the end was a patrolling unit of large sailors with tight t-shirts and leather trousers.
Dale looked longingly, but he had a mission—to foil Elton’s plans and prove that TV personalities could be more camp than music ones.
He eventually made it to the locker room, where many times Dale had dropped the soap on purpose. He opened his locker, and donned his Solid Snake style all-in-one leather look sneaking suit.
When in the locker room, Dale contacted Graham via their in-built camp codec.
Dale—“Hello Graham, can you hear me?”
Graham—“Well hello again Dale!”
Dale—“Graham, Elton is still alive!!”
Graham—“What, I thought you got rid of him in ‘The Elton Wig Burning Incident’.
Dale—“That’s what I thought, but he’s back, and now he and his group of camp musicians have taken over the centre. It’s up to me to stop him.”
Graham—“OK Dale, I’ll stay down here and keep a watch out, you go and defeat Elton.”
So Dale left the locker room and began to head for the broadcasting control room. However, he noticed a security camera. Seeing as Dale had left his Chaff Grenades at home, he decided to spray his overly whiffy perfume at it to disable the sensors.
Having past the security cameras, Dale proceeded to the Blue Peter studio, where he knew there was something that would help him….
Minutes later, Dale had sneaked past many cameras and sailor patrol units, and eventually arrived at the Blue Peter studio. As a huge fan of the show, Dale knew that the previous week, the show had been about modern military weapons, and they had many examples of firepower in the studio.
So, much like Arnie in ‘Commando’, Dale suited up with all the weapons he could carry, and left the studio.
But, just as he left the area, he heard a voice:
“Stop right there Mr. Winton.”
Dale stopped and turned around to face the man who spoke.
It was Jeremy Spake!!
Dale—“Jeremy, I’m I glad to see you! How did you manage to escape the clutches of the Sons of Campness?
Jeremy—“Wouldn’t you like to know. Actually, I didn’t escape, they let me go.”
Dale—“Why did they let you go?”
Jeremy—“Well actually Dale, I’m ‘playing for the other team’.”
Dale—“Yes, in more ways than one *nudge nudge*.”
Jeremy then pointed a gun at Dale.
Jeremy—“Drop your weapons Dale.”
Dale—“Jeremy, what are you doing, have you forgotten what I mean to you?”
Jeremy—“For all these years since I first arrived on the TV scene, I’ve been yearning for a musical career as well. Elton had returned from his exile after you burnt his wig and hideously disfigured his face, and offered me the chance to release a record. It was to be a duet with him, but he’d only let me do it on one condition: in exchange for the song opportunity, I had to assist him in capturing you.”
Dale relinquished all of his weapons and a team of beefy sailors detained him and knocked him unconscious.
*Some time later*
Dale awoke from his enforced slumber; he was tied up and had the badly burnt face of Elton John gurning in his direction.
Elton—“This is your meddling did to my face Dale, if only you hadn’t released that Christmas number 1 record, our paths would never have crossed and the wig burning incident would never have happened. I’m getting annoyed at the amount of camp TV personalities releasing singles these days that enter the charts higher than real musicians work. So I’ve decided to set up this satellite to brain wash the world into loving camp musicians rather than camp TV personalities.”
Dale—“The wig burning incident was your fault as you should have been more careful with your cigar ashes! You’ll never get away with this you cad.”
Elton—“I think I will. In the meantime I’ll leave you with my associates.”
Elton left the room, heading for the roof. George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young walked in to torture Dale.
Will—“I know, lets untie him and rough him up a bit.”
George—“Good idea Will, we’ve never liked you Dale as you always held the nations affections as their favourite camp icon.”
So the team untied Dale ready to give him a savage beating…BUT…
Boy George—“Ooooo is that a gun in your pocket Dale, or are you just pleased to see me, ha ha ha.”
The boys all laughed at Boy George’s hilarious innuendo.
Dale—“Actually, It is a gun!! Your foolish guards didn’t think to check my codpiece for weaponry!!”
So without stalling, Dale pulled out his gun and shot out at the camp musicians, disabling them all by hitting them in the legs (he didn’t want to kill them as he was a peace loving and nice man).
Before leaving the room, Dale picked up all his artillery, and headed for the control room.
He ran along the corridors like a John Woo style hero, shooting guards in the legs and taking out security cameras, until he finally made it to the room.
He smashed down the door to the control room.
Dale—“KNOCK KNOCK!”
He burst in and took out all the guards in the room, and then destroyed the controls to the gay propaganda satellite, and therefore stopping its signals.
Dale then headed for the roof for the final showdown with Elton.
Upon arriving at the roof area, Dale used his binoculars and saw Elton handing over a record contract to that snake in the grass Jeremy.
Dale aimed his gun at the contract and fired. The piece of paper ripped to shreds and the conspiring musicians turned to face Dale. Dale aimed another shot at Jeremy’s legs, but the gun had run out of bullets!!
Seeing his opportunity to escape, Elton ran off, but Dale chased Jeremy and cornered him.
Jeremy—“Please don’t hurt me Dale, I just wanted a pop career and to get a Christmas number 1 like you did, forgive me.”
Dale—“OK, all is forgiven.”
Dale went up to shake his hand, but swiftly got Jeremy in an arm lock and gave him a judo chop to the back of the neck, knocking him out cold.
Dale—“You can say all your apologies to the police you big fool.”
Dale then looked around for Elton, who had tripped over and as he was a rather large man, he couldn’t get back up again.
Dale walked over to Elton, but as he approached, Elton suddenly leaped up and began to attack Dale!!
A ‘handbag’ fight ensued, with both men dishing out a plentiful supply of girly slaps, but then Dale resorted to hair pulling, with unexpected results.....
Having expected Elton’s wig to come off in his hands, Dale was surprised when no matter how hard he pulled, Elton’s wig didn’t come off!
Dale—“This is real hair! You’re not the real Elton John!
Elton Clone—“No, I’m not the real Elton John, I’m merely a clone made in a laboratory. Using cells from Elton John, scientists were able to grow an artificial clone. I was the result, and for many years I have been forced to do Elton’s dirty work, whilst he hides in his hollowed-out volcano lair and concocts evil plans.
Then all of a sudden, the ground started to shake, and a giant robot jumped up onto the roof of Television Centre and knocked the Elton clone a mile through the air
Dale—“What the hell!!!”
Elton—“Do you like my new toy Dale? I call it the ‘Metal Gear Elton’. Having achieved great success and earned billions of pounds with my massive music career, I was able to buy plans for this machine over Ebay. Luckily for me, I found a man named ‘Revolver Ocelot’ who was willing to sell me blueprints for ‘Metal Gear Ray’. After years of research and construction, this beautiful device is the result. Though you may have foiled my plans for a world populated by lovers of gay music, and revealed the identity of my clone, I will still use this robot to destroy you ha ha ha!!”
The robot swung its giant arm in Dale’s direction, narrowly missing his well coiffed hair, but it struck a wall, showering debris all around. Dale rolled along the floor in dodging its many attacks, until he remembered something: amongst the many weapons he purloined from the Blue Peter studio was a Stinger Missile launcher! He had dropped it when apprehending Jeremy and fighting the clone, so Dale managed to cross over to the other side of the roof, and snatched the missile launcher.
Despite the giant robot continuing its unrelenting assaults, Dale managed to aim the launcher and fired a shot, hitting the robot on its exposed weak spot (heh, all enemy robots have weak spots).
The Metal Gear Elton crashed down to the ground below. Dale ran over to the edge of the roof, only to see Elton escape from the wreckage and run to a nearby vehicle to make his escape.
Although Dale didn’t capture Elton, he had saved the day and kept the nations airwaves free of crappy love songs and gay musician propaganda, whilst restoring the public’s faith in camp TV personalities.
Dale made his way back down to the car park, and met up again with Graham.
Graham—“So, how did it go Dale?”
Dale—“It was tough; I shot loads of gay pop stars, destroyed Elton John’s giant robot, stole all the high powered weapons from the Blue Peter studio and had a fight with a clone of Elton John.”
Graham—“So, in the end it was just an ordinary day in the life of Dale Winton!”
THE END
Elton John may return....
Cast:
Dale Winton
Graham Norton
Elton John
Jeremy Spake
George Michael
Boy George
Stephen Gately
And introducing Will Young
The story starts on the rain lashed streets of London, where Dale Winton driving the ‘Pink Dale Groovy Camp Car of Gayness’, was heading to BBC Television Centre to film his latest TV programme ‘Celebrities & Their Handbags’.
With him in the car was his equally camp friend, Graham Norton.
It seemed like just an ordinary day, but as the camp duo pulled up to the car park area, it seemed quiet, but too quiet for Dale’s liking.
Dale—“Don’t you think it looks a bit flat around here Graham?”
Graham—“Not from where I’m sitting Dale *nudge nudge*”.
Dale—“It seems strange that there’s no security guards around. I’m going to venture inside the centre, I want you to stay in the car and keep a watch for anything suspicious.”
Graham—“O.K Dale, I’ll cover your ass.”
Dale—“Oooo I love it when you talk dirty Graham!”
So Dale got out of the car, the rain was still pouring down, and as he didn’t want to get his freshly pressed Safari Suit wet he started to run like a girl towards the centre.
He mooched into the reception area, but there was still nobody to be seen. Just as Dale was about to use the telephone and call for some assistance, he noticed a note on the reception desk. It was from Dale’s arch nemeses, the ‘Sons of Campness’!
It read:
Hello Dale, long time no see; I’ve been expecting you to turn up.
This is your old pal Elton John. What, you thought I was dead didn’t you? Ha ha ha, well think again!
I’m back and now I’m in control, and together with my band of gay musicians, we will rule the world!!
My gay minions have constructed a giant satellite dish on the roof of BBC Centre, and I will use the nations airwaves to broadcast camp songs, love melodies and gay propaganda to the world and show that gay musicians are better than gay TV personalities, HA HA HA!!
Signed, your old pal,
Elton.
Dale—“Ooo that cheeky bounder, I must stop him!”
Dales first port of call was to head to the locker room. As he crept along the corridor, at the end was a patrolling unit of large sailors with tight t-shirts and leather trousers.
Dale looked longingly, but he had a mission—to foil Elton’s plans and prove that TV personalities could be more camp than music ones.
He eventually made it to the locker room, where many times Dale had dropped the soap on purpose. He opened his locker, and donned his Solid Snake style all-in-one leather look sneaking suit.
When in the locker room, Dale contacted Graham via their in-built camp codec.
Dale—“Hello Graham, can you hear me?”
Graham—“Well hello again Dale!”
Dale—“Graham, Elton is still alive!!”
Graham—“What, I thought you got rid of him in ‘The Elton Wig Burning Incident’.
Dale—“That’s what I thought, but he’s back, and now he and his group of camp musicians have taken over the centre. It’s up to me to stop him.”
Graham—“OK Dale, I’ll stay down here and keep a watch out, you go and defeat Elton.”
So Dale left the locker room and began to head for the broadcasting control room. However, he noticed a security camera. Seeing as Dale had left his Chaff Grenades at home, he decided to spray his overly whiffy perfume at it to disable the sensors.
Having past the security cameras, Dale proceeded to the Blue Peter studio, where he knew there was something that would help him….
Minutes later, Dale had sneaked past many cameras and sailor patrol units, and eventually arrived at the Blue Peter studio. As a huge fan of the show, Dale knew that the previous week, the show had been about modern military weapons, and they had many examples of firepower in the studio.
So, much like Arnie in ‘Commando’, Dale suited up with all the weapons he could carry, and left the studio.
But, just as he left the area, he heard a voice:
“Stop right there Mr. Winton.”
Dale stopped and turned around to face the man who spoke.
It was Jeremy Spake!!
Dale—“Jeremy, I’m I glad to see you! How did you manage to escape the clutches of the Sons of Campness?
Jeremy—“Wouldn’t you like to know. Actually, I didn’t escape, they let me go.”
Dale—“Why did they let you go?”
Jeremy—“Well actually Dale, I’m ‘playing for the other team’.”
Dale—“Yes, in more ways than one *nudge nudge*.”
Jeremy then pointed a gun at Dale.
Jeremy—“Drop your weapons Dale.”
Dale—“Jeremy, what are you doing, have you forgotten what I mean to you?”
Jeremy—“For all these years since I first arrived on the TV scene, I’ve been yearning for a musical career as well. Elton had returned from his exile after you burnt his wig and hideously disfigured his face, and offered me the chance to release a record. It was to be a duet with him, but he’d only let me do it on one condition: in exchange for the song opportunity, I had to assist him in capturing you.”
Dale relinquished all of his weapons and a team of beefy sailors detained him and knocked him unconscious.
*Some time later*
Dale awoke from his enforced slumber; he was tied up and had the badly burnt face of Elton John gurning in his direction.
Elton—“This is your meddling did to my face Dale, if only you hadn’t released that Christmas number 1 record, our paths would never have crossed and the wig burning incident would never have happened. I’m getting annoyed at the amount of camp TV personalities releasing singles these days that enter the charts higher than real musicians work. So I’ve decided to set up this satellite to brain wash the world into loving camp musicians rather than camp TV personalities.”
Dale—“The wig burning incident was your fault as you should have been more careful with your cigar ashes! You’ll never get away with this you cad.”
Elton—“I think I will. In the meantime I’ll leave you with my associates.”
Elton left the room, heading for the roof. George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young walked in to torture Dale.
Will—“I know, lets untie him and rough him up a bit.”
George—“Good idea Will, we’ve never liked you Dale as you always held the nations affections as their favourite camp icon.”
So the team untied Dale ready to give him a savage beating…BUT…
Boy George—“Ooooo is that a gun in your pocket Dale, or are you just pleased to see me, ha ha ha.”
The boys all laughed at Boy George’s hilarious innuendo.
Dale—“Actually, It is a gun!! Your foolish guards didn’t think to check my codpiece for weaponry!!”
So without stalling, Dale pulled out his gun and shot out at the camp musicians, disabling them all by hitting them in the legs (he didn’t want to kill them as he was a peace loving and nice man).
Before leaving the room, Dale picked up all his artillery, and headed for the control room.
He ran along the corridors like a John Woo style hero, shooting guards in the legs and taking out security cameras, until he finally made it to the room.
He smashed down the door to the control room.
Dale—“KNOCK KNOCK!”
He burst in and took out all the guards in the room, and then destroyed the controls to the gay propaganda satellite, and therefore stopping its signals.
Dale then headed for the roof for the final showdown with Elton.
Upon arriving at the roof area, Dale used his binoculars and saw Elton handing over a record contract to that snake in the grass Jeremy.
Dale aimed his gun at the contract and fired. The piece of paper ripped to shreds and the conspiring musicians turned to face Dale. Dale aimed another shot at Jeremy’s legs, but the gun had run out of bullets!!
Seeing his opportunity to escape, Elton ran off, but Dale chased Jeremy and cornered him.
Jeremy—“Please don’t hurt me Dale, I just wanted a pop career and to get a Christmas number 1 like you did, forgive me.”
Dale—“OK, all is forgiven.”
Dale went up to shake his hand, but swiftly got Jeremy in an arm lock and gave him a judo chop to the back of the neck, knocking him out cold.
Dale—“You can say all your apologies to the police you big fool.”
Dale then looked around for Elton, who had tripped over and as he was a rather large man, he couldn’t get back up again.
Dale walked over to Elton, but as he approached, Elton suddenly leaped up and began to attack Dale!!
A ‘handbag’ fight ensued, with both men dishing out a plentiful supply of girly slaps, but then Dale resorted to hair pulling, with unexpected results.....
Having expected Elton’s wig to come off in his hands, Dale was surprised when no matter how hard he pulled, Elton’s wig didn’t come off!
Dale—“This is real hair! You’re not the real Elton John!
Elton Clone—“No, I’m not the real Elton John, I’m merely a clone made in a laboratory. Using cells from Elton John, scientists were able to grow an artificial clone. I was the result, and for many years I have been forced to do Elton’s dirty work, whilst he hides in his hollowed-out volcano lair and concocts evil plans.
Then all of a sudden, the ground started to shake, and a giant robot jumped up onto the roof of Television Centre and knocked the Elton clone a mile through the air
Dale—“What the hell!!!”
Elton—“Do you like my new toy Dale? I call it the ‘Metal Gear Elton’. Having achieved great success and earned billions of pounds with my massive music career, I was able to buy plans for this machine over Ebay. Luckily for me, I found a man named ‘Revolver Ocelot’ who was willing to sell me blueprints for ‘Metal Gear Ray’. After years of research and construction, this beautiful device is the result. Though you may have foiled my plans for a world populated by lovers of gay music, and revealed the identity of my clone, I will still use this robot to destroy you ha ha ha!!”
The robot swung its giant arm in Dale’s direction, narrowly missing his well coiffed hair, but it struck a wall, showering debris all around. Dale rolled along the floor in dodging its many attacks, until he remembered something: amongst the many weapons he purloined from the Blue Peter studio was a Stinger Missile launcher! He had dropped it when apprehending Jeremy and fighting the clone, so Dale managed to cross over to the other side of the roof, and snatched the missile launcher.
Despite the giant robot continuing its unrelenting assaults, Dale managed to aim the launcher and fired a shot, hitting the robot on its exposed weak spot (heh, all enemy robots have weak spots).
The Metal Gear Elton crashed down to the ground below. Dale ran over to the edge of the roof, only to see Elton escape from the wreckage and run to a nearby vehicle to make his escape.
Although Dale didn’t capture Elton, he had saved the day and kept the nations airwaves free of crappy love songs and gay musician propaganda, whilst restoring the public’s faith in camp TV personalities.
Dale made his way back down to the car park, and met up again with Graham.
Graham—“So, how did it go Dale?”
Dale—“It was tough; I shot loads of gay pop stars, destroyed Elton John’s giant robot, stole all the high powered weapons from the Blue Peter studio and had a fight with a clone of Elton John.”
Graham—“So, in the end it was just an ordinary day in the life of Dale Winton!”
THE END
Elton John may return....
That was too long to read and the bits i read weren't really that funny.
agent under fire wrote:
> That was too long to read and the bits i read weren't really that
> funny.
Well i guess some people don't have a sense of humour do they!
> That was too long to read and the bits i read weren't really that
> funny.
Well i guess some people don't have a sense of humour do they!
if you related the story to metal gear solid a bit more, then it would have been a good post.
Puddleface wrote:
> if you related the story to metal gear solid a bit more, then it would
> have been a good post.
Yea, but who wants to hear the usual Metal Gear spoof rubbish when you could read about 'Metal Gear Elton' and Dale Winton being an tough action hero?
> if you related the story to metal gear solid a bit more, then it would
> have been a good post.
Yea, but who wants to hear the usual Metal Gear spoof rubbish when you could read about 'Metal Gear Elton' and Dale Winton being an tough action hero?
Hey, I hope that wasn't aimed at me - anyway, the readers reactions and comments says it all.
Ohhhh! That is sooooo lovley darlings!
RM18 wrote:
> Hey, I hope that wasn't aimed at me - anyway, the readers reactions
> and comments says it all.
No, don't worry, those comments weren't aimed at you. Your MGS spoof was very good. It's just a shame that more people aren't willing to embrace something a bit "different" for a change. I try to write something that hasn't really been heared before and people don't bother with it. Oh well, i might as well stick to writing boring console war topics as people don't appreciate decent humour:(
> Hey, I hope that wasn't aimed at me - anyway, the readers reactions
> and comments says it all.
No, don't worry, those comments weren't aimed at you. Your MGS spoof was very good. It's just a shame that more people aren't willing to embrace something a bit "different" for a change. I try to write something that hasn't really been heared before and people don't bother with it. Oh well, i might as well stick to writing boring console war topics as people don't appreciate decent humour:(
That's fine Totoro
Ah shutup