The "General Games Chat" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Americans, whilst indulging in their favourite pastime of sitting on their huge rear ends, munching dustbin sized boxes of popcorn and watching television, saw the camaraderie and passion evoked in the British public during the passing of the Queen Mother, but many wondered why they didn’t have a royal family of their own.
The point was brought before congress, and discussed between top-level government officials for many hours in the confines of the White House.
Eventually, it was a nationwide topic for discussion, with every American feeling that they deserved a monarchy of their own. Radio and TV chat shows were filled with the mumblings and Jerry Springer even had a number of members of the British royal family on his show, although the show was abandoned halfway through when a slanging match and cat fight broke out between Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Edward. (Edward ended up crying like a girl).
The issue of an American royal family became a national obsession and got stuck in the consciousness of every American. Despite the fact that America was not high on people’s favourite nation list because of the Kyoto Agreement, flagging war on terrorism, Middle East peace crisis and George W Bush’s worries of eating small salty snack foods without choking, the U.S government thought it would be a good idea to divert the attention of the world away from America’s failings by agreeing to install a royal family. The government also knew that every American loved to buy tacky royal merchandise, so they could flog countless naff items and make billions of dollars for various top secret projects like nuclear powered toasters, and aid families who’ve suffered from ‘Pretzel Choking Syndrome’.
George W Bush eventually made a statement to the American people:
“My fellow Americans, as the greatest nation on planet Earth, you the loyal U.S citizens deserve to have a royal family like our tiny neighbours from across the pond, Great Britain.
It gives me great pleasure to declare that from the 1st January 2004, America will have its own royal family.
It will give our nation a great opportunity for unity and togetherness to have a number one family to look up to.
We may be devoid of great culture and long history, but heck, we can make some up can’t we?”
Initially, scholars and historians wanted to trace the family of the man who supposedly discovered America, Christopher Columbus. However, after months of research and many DNA tests, only two distant blood relative of Columbus were found. One was a gangster rapper style homeboy from the ghettos of Harlem who embraced the youth gun culture. Although G.W liked his attitudes towards weaponry, he was deemed too bad an influence. The other was a scabby, slack-jawed, tobacco chewing hillbilly redneck named Cletus who was addicted to moonshine and had a constant urge to scratch his various body crevices. He was a simple man who lived in a trailer park with his flatulent dog Joe.
Initially, having met with Cletus, G.W Bush liked the guy and admired his rather uncomplicated outlook on life, and was excited at the prospects of having another redneck in an important public role. However, Mr. Bush was advised to change the plan as the government wanted a more “P.R friendly” royal, so the idea of getting a blood relation of Columbus was swiftly brushed under the carpet along with ‘The Roswell Incident’, the real identity of the Kennedy assassin and the fact that it was really a Russian monkey called ‘Chimpovski’ that was the first living organism from Earth to walk on the Moon.
Many Native Americans believed that one of their own should rightfully claim the moniker of the royal family as they had inhabited the land for millions of years, but various white supremacist groups shouted them down, and the government didn’t want someone named ‘Chief Eagle Dropping’ to be the prominent royal.
The government was struggling, and no one could come up with idea to choose who would be the new royal family. A lottery style idea was considered; whereby people would buy tickets to enter the draw, and eventually a winner would be selected live on TV. But the winner would be too random, and may not fit the strict bill of criteria.
A ‘Weakest Link’ style quiz was thought of, but the U.S government couldn’t afford Anne Robinson’s hefty price tag, so the idea was scrapped.
Time past, and after many failed ideas, the last resort was discovered: a ‘Pop Idol’ style tournament, whereby all Americans would be given the opportunity to display their various skills and prove that they are worthy to be a royal personage.
As Pop Idol was currently the highest rating show around the world, everyone embraced the idea most heartedly, and there were many regional heats to discover the finalists. Many royal historians and etiquette experts were brought in to judge the heats.
So, after months and months of district heats, the numbers of contestants were whittled down to a manageable number for the incoming final.
George W Bush asked for well-known names associated with royalty to judge the final, however, he was in for a surprise....
His stooges took G.W’s words a little too literally however, and the judges for the final were boxing promoter Don King, Brian May out of rock group ‘Queen’ and purple loving pop weirdo ‘Prince’, the artist formerly known as that squiggly symbol.
Many finalists came on and performed various tricks and feats, but not many captured the imagination, until one man came on to the stage…
It was Cletus the redneck!!! He had managed to progress through the trials and was up on stage in front of a worldwide audience of billions.
He was amazing; he could reel off all the previous American presidents, all the U.S states, sing ‘Star Spangled Banner’ backwards whilst riding a unicycle and swig a whole keg of moonshine in one gulp.
The audience cheered as Cletus performed, and the three judges had no doubts as to the identity of the winner.
A special royal palace was built for the newly crowned King Cletus in Washington D.C and on the 1st January 2004 he attended a lavish inauguration ceremony frequented by many Hollywood stars and E-List hangers on. Although he didn’t really have any power or influence, as he was a manufactured royal, much like the film ‘King Ralph’, an American enjoyed the high living of royalty. As the majority of Americans are rednecks, a prosperous time ensued as many had a national figurehead with whom they could relate to.
The moral of the story is that although Cletus wasn’t born with many of life’s great privileges such as being able to use cutlery and not having overtly hairy knuckles, it was a case of triumph over adversity for Cletus, as he had done it against the odds of Mother Nature, so no matter your position in life, you can always achieve something if you put your mind to it.
However, things didn’t always go so well for Cletus.
A few months later, the newly crowned King Cletus was invited on a state visit to Great Britain. Queen Elizabeth had abdicated the thrown a year previously, so Prince Charles was now king.
Whilst in Great Britain, Charles took Cletus around the beauty spots of the Scottish Highlands, they walked for many a mile enjoying each others ‘chalk & cheese’ company (I’ll leave you to decide which one was the cheese). Having not eaten for a while, Cletus’s farty dog Joe was getting a trifle peckish, and after sniffing around for a few seconds, suddenly leapt at Charles’s lower regions. Charles had been wearing a traditional Scottish kilt (with nothing else underneath), so you can imagine his terror and pain. Joe had thought that Charles had a wiener down there somewhere, and was only going on instincts.
Eventually, the gnawing dog released his vice like grip and Charles could escape with his pride and something else considerably bruised.
The people of Britain were up in arms at the ruffian treatment dished out to our king, and were furious at the U.S.
In America, Cletus went from hero to zero, and was removed from the thrown and the idea of an American royal family was scrapped as nobody suitable could be found for the position.
The other moral to the story is don’t let your dog sniff around other peoples crotches for wieners, as in the end, you may suffer the consequences.
The point was brought before congress, and discussed between top-level government officials for many hours in the confines of the White House.
Eventually, it was a nationwide topic for discussion, with every American feeling that they deserved a monarchy of their own. Radio and TV chat shows were filled with the mumblings and Jerry Springer even had a number of members of the British royal family on his show, although the show was abandoned halfway through when a slanging match and cat fight broke out between Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Edward. (Edward ended up crying like a girl).
The issue of an American royal family became a national obsession and got stuck in the consciousness of every American. Despite the fact that America was not high on people’s favourite nation list because of the Kyoto Agreement, flagging war on terrorism, Middle East peace crisis and George W Bush’s worries of eating small salty snack foods without choking, the U.S government thought it would be a good idea to divert the attention of the world away from America’s failings by agreeing to install a royal family. The government also knew that every American loved to buy tacky royal merchandise, so they could flog countless naff items and make billions of dollars for various top secret projects like nuclear powered toasters, and aid families who’ve suffered from ‘Pretzel Choking Syndrome’.
George W Bush eventually made a statement to the American people:
“My fellow Americans, as the greatest nation on planet Earth, you the loyal U.S citizens deserve to have a royal family like our tiny neighbours from across the pond, Great Britain.
It gives me great pleasure to declare that from the 1st January 2004, America will have its own royal family.
It will give our nation a great opportunity for unity and togetherness to have a number one family to look up to.
We may be devoid of great culture and long history, but heck, we can make some up can’t we?”
Initially, scholars and historians wanted to trace the family of the man who supposedly discovered America, Christopher Columbus. However, after months of research and many DNA tests, only two distant blood relative of Columbus were found. One was a gangster rapper style homeboy from the ghettos of Harlem who embraced the youth gun culture. Although G.W liked his attitudes towards weaponry, he was deemed too bad an influence. The other was a scabby, slack-jawed, tobacco chewing hillbilly redneck named Cletus who was addicted to moonshine and had a constant urge to scratch his various body crevices. He was a simple man who lived in a trailer park with his flatulent dog Joe.
Initially, having met with Cletus, G.W Bush liked the guy and admired his rather uncomplicated outlook on life, and was excited at the prospects of having another redneck in an important public role. However, Mr. Bush was advised to change the plan as the government wanted a more “P.R friendly” royal, so the idea of getting a blood relation of Columbus was swiftly brushed under the carpet along with ‘The Roswell Incident’, the real identity of the Kennedy assassin and the fact that it was really a Russian monkey called ‘Chimpovski’ that was the first living organism from Earth to walk on the Moon.
Many Native Americans believed that one of their own should rightfully claim the moniker of the royal family as they had inhabited the land for millions of years, but various white supremacist groups shouted them down, and the government didn’t want someone named ‘Chief Eagle Dropping’ to be the prominent royal.
The government was struggling, and no one could come up with idea to choose who would be the new royal family. A lottery style idea was considered; whereby people would buy tickets to enter the draw, and eventually a winner would be selected live on TV. But the winner would be too random, and may not fit the strict bill of criteria.
A ‘Weakest Link’ style quiz was thought of, but the U.S government couldn’t afford Anne Robinson’s hefty price tag, so the idea was scrapped.
Time past, and after many failed ideas, the last resort was discovered: a ‘Pop Idol’ style tournament, whereby all Americans would be given the opportunity to display their various skills and prove that they are worthy to be a royal personage.
As Pop Idol was currently the highest rating show around the world, everyone embraced the idea most heartedly, and there were many regional heats to discover the finalists. Many royal historians and etiquette experts were brought in to judge the heats.
So, after months and months of district heats, the numbers of contestants were whittled down to a manageable number for the incoming final.
George W Bush asked for well-known names associated with royalty to judge the final, however, he was in for a surprise....
His stooges took G.W’s words a little too literally however, and the judges for the final were boxing promoter Don King, Brian May out of rock group ‘Queen’ and purple loving pop weirdo ‘Prince’, the artist formerly known as that squiggly symbol.
Many finalists came on and performed various tricks and feats, but not many captured the imagination, until one man came on to the stage…
It was Cletus the redneck!!! He had managed to progress through the trials and was up on stage in front of a worldwide audience of billions.
He was amazing; he could reel off all the previous American presidents, all the U.S states, sing ‘Star Spangled Banner’ backwards whilst riding a unicycle and swig a whole keg of moonshine in one gulp.
The audience cheered as Cletus performed, and the three judges had no doubts as to the identity of the winner.
A special royal palace was built for the newly crowned King Cletus in Washington D.C and on the 1st January 2004 he attended a lavish inauguration ceremony frequented by many Hollywood stars and E-List hangers on. Although he didn’t really have any power or influence, as he was a manufactured royal, much like the film ‘King Ralph’, an American enjoyed the high living of royalty. As the majority of Americans are rednecks, a prosperous time ensued as many had a national figurehead with whom they could relate to.
The moral of the story is that although Cletus wasn’t born with many of life’s great privileges such as being able to use cutlery and not having overtly hairy knuckles, it was a case of triumph over adversity for Cletus, as he had done it against the odds of Mother Nature, so no matter your position in life, you can always achieve something if you put your mind to it.
However, things didn’t always go so well for Cletus.
A few months later, the newly crowned King Cletus was invited on a state visit to Great Britain. Queen Elizabeth had abdicated the thrown a year previously, so Prince Charles was now king.
Whilst in Great Britain, Charles took Cletus around the beauty spots of the Scottish Highlands, they walked for many a mile enjoying each others ‘chalk & cheese’ company (I’ll leave you to decide which one was the cheese). Having not eaten for a while, Cletus’s farty dog Joe was getting a trifle peckish, and after sniffing around for a few seconds, suddenly leapt at Charles’s lower regions. Charles had been wearing a traditional Scottish kilt (with nothing else underneath), so you can imagine his terror and pain. Joe had thought that Charles had a wiener down there somewhere, and was only going on instincts.
Eventually, the gnawing dog released his vice like grip and Charles could escape with his pride and something else considerably bruised.
The people of Britain were up in arms at the ruffian treatment dished out to our king, and were furious at the U.S.
In America, Cletus went from hero to zero, and was removed from the thrown and the idea of an American royal family was scrapped as nobody suitable could be found for the position.
The other moral to the story is don’t let your dog sniff around other peoples crotches for wieners, as in the end, you may suffer the consequences.
Page:
Axel wrote:
> Thats pretty funny Totoro, good post!
I agree :D)
> Thats pretty funny Totoro, good post!
I agree :D)
Thats pretty funny Totoro, good post!
I wonder what it would be like if the Americans did decide to give themselves a royal family??...Would a trailer trash family be considered??
Heh, it's very good. I think a lot of Americans would be offended by it though... Which isn't nessecarily a bad thing ;)
RM18 wrote:
> I noticed a lot of new topics by you recently Totoro, want a new game?
That would be nice, are you offering?:)
> I noticed a lot of new topics by you recently Totoro, want a new game?
That would be nice, are you offering?:)
I noticed a lot of new topics by you recently Totoro, want a new game?
:)
:)
As i said, i was going to put it in Prime, but things tend to get a bit ignored in there as not many people go in there.
It is pretty funny, I just hope it doesn't get buried in Chat
Ggrrhh...i just noticed i kept spelling "throne" as "thrown", man i feel silly.
P.S--i was going to put this is FOG prime, but not many people seem to bother with that forum, and i wanted more people to see this one as i thought it was quite funny.
Page: