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No idea what happens in this one except Clones. And they attack. So based on fictitious assumption, here is the script:
---
Opening Crawl
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
The Trade Federation is in tatters. The excuse for a plot in The Phantom Menace has left SW fans reeling and crying, wondering how their childhood memories could be so sullied in 120 minutes. The rebellion is in tatters, with Dark Jackson ruling from his two towers with his Ring. The Empire had crumbled, with the previous Emperor Lucas being lambasted in all corners of the galaxy.
The time of the Jedi approaches…”
Pan Down to Planet
Ship Flies from top of screen
STAR DESTROYER
“I will crush them. All of them”
“Yes Lord Lucas, they will all pay for mocking The Phantom Menace”
Darth Lucas spins away and his flannel-check cape billows out behind him.
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin sit in the sand.
“Hey Anakin, you grew up from a gormless wide-faced kid to a sulky teen!”
“Shut up Obi-Wan or I’ll kick your ass”
“Let’s practice Jedi stuff”
They do.
NABOO
“Mesa secondary character now! Mesa gone from this movie in 2 mins”
Audience “Christ, he’s in it again.”
STAR DESTROYER
“So Lord Lucas, how will this unfurl? Bearing in mind the audience already knows the outcome of this story?”
“I will use many expensive effects and include nods to the 1st three movies in an attempt to create a sense of hope. Which I will crush. Mwahahahaha. Ooo look, here’s Boba Fett! You loved him right? This movie is equally as cool as Empire! Eh? Eh? Boba Fett!”
“My name is Jango Fett, Boba is my son. We are both evil.”
Audience “Boba Fett is a kid? Man that sucks, he was the coolest thing in Empire and we see him as a kid? What is going on?”
“My Lord, they are unsettled!”
“Dammit. Ok, here comes Samuel L Jackson, the coolest thing about TPM. He has more than 7 lines in this one.
JEDI COUCIL CHAMBER
“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious Midichlorians, those who attempt to poison and destroy my Jedi soup”
Audience “Jackson! Yay! This movie rules”
“And you will know, my name is Mace Windu when I totally kick some Stormtroopers’ faces off with my lightsaber”
Audience “…Stormtroopers? Did he just say Stormtroopers? Cool!”
STAR DESTROYER
“See Rick McCallum? They love it already, just chuck in Stormtroopers and other stuff from the 1st three that they liked. Fools.”
“Lord Lucas, nothing has happened to advance the plot in 7minutes.”
“damn”
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin have stopped doing Jedi stuff and are walking through several blue-screen sets.
In the background are Jawas, Ewoks and other cool things from the 1st 3 movies.
“C’mon Anni, let’s go get into a fight in a Cantina. Just like in the first movie”
“STOP CALLING ME ANNI! I’M NOT A CHICK!”
“Jeez, touchy touchy.”
“I’M GETTING ANGRY, I’LL TURN TO THE DARKSIDE IF YOU DON’T STOP”
Audience “Yeah, darkside! Darth Vader! This is going to rock!”
“There’s Amidala, she’s hot. I’m going to touch her space-boobs”
Audience “Yeah! Sex and Darth Vader and Samuel L Jackson and Stormtroopers! This is way better than TPM”
STAR DESTROYER
“My Lord, they have taken the bait. Now?”
“No, soon.”
JEDI CHAMBER
Obi-Wan is being told off by Yoda for having a beard and for spending 90% of TPM waiting on a ship whilst Qui-Gon did all the work in a crap stick-on beard.
“Hmm, have stuff to do in this movie you will. Fight many Stormtroopers you will. Now go and take Anakin, Amidala and some droids to another planet.”
C3P0 & R2D2 come in, looking like they did in the first two movies.
Audience “Yay! The droids are back! This truly is a fantastic film”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“No, wait”
SOME PLANET
Obi-Wan, Anakin and Amidala are having a massive lightsaber fight with loads of CGI baddies
“Quick Anni, go mental and run off.”
“GGGRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHH, I’M ANGRY!”
Audience “Yes! He’s doing to be Darth Vader now!”
The fight ends.
Anakin & Amidala spend 40 mins being lovey with each other.
Audience “WTF?”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“Yes, now”
For the next hour there follows some crap about a plot to kill Amidala and all the bits that weren’t in the trailer happen.
The audience starts to fidget and root around in their ears waiting for the big Jedi battle.
JEDI BATTLE
Loads of Jedi run about and kill stormtroopers.
Obi-Wan is captured and left for dead by Jango Fett.
Anakin has a hissy fit and kills Samuel L Jackson.
Lord Lucas sits back and counts the money.
The Audience shuffle out at the end.
“Well it was ok, I saw Boba Fett as a child and Anakin going mental. I still know how this all ends though. Ah well, 3 years until the final episode”
---
Opening Crawl
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
The Trade Federation is in tatters. The excuse for a plot in The Phantom Menace has left SW fans reeling and crying, wondering how their childhood memories could be so sullied in 120 minutes. The rebellion is in tatters, with Dark Jackson ruling from his two towers with his Ring. The Empire had crumbled, with the previous Emperor Lucas being lambasted in all corners of the galaxy.
The time of the Jedi approaches…”
Pan Down to Planet
Ship Flies from top of screen
STAR DESTROYER
“I will crush them. All of them”
“Yes Lord Lucas, they will all pay for mocking The Phantom Menace”
Darth Lucas spins away and his flannel-check cape billows out behind him.
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin sit in the sand.
“Hey Anakin, you grew up from a gormless wide-faced kid to a sulky teen!”
“Shut up Obi-Wan or I’ll kick your ass”
“Let’s practice Jedi stuff”
They do.
NABOO
“Mesa secondary character now! Mesa gone from this movie in 2 mins”
Audience “Christ, he’s in it again.”
STAR DESTROYER
“So Lord Lucas, how will this unfurl? Bearing in mind the audience already knows the outcome of this story?”
“I will use many expensive effects and include nods to the 1st three movies in an attempt to create a sense of hope. Which I will crush. Mwahahahaha. Ooo look, here’s Boba Fett! You loved him right? This movie is equally as cool as Empire! Eh? Eh? Boba Fett!”
“My name is Jango Fett, Boba is my son. We are both evil.”
Audience “Boba Fett is a kid? Man that sucks, he was the coolest thing in Empire and we see him as a kid? What is going on?”
“My Lord, they are unsettled!”
“Dammit. Ok, here comes Samuel L Jackson, the coolest thing about TPM. He has more than 7 lines in this one.
JEDI COUCIL CHAMBER
“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious Midichlorians, those who attempt to poison and destroy my Jedi soup”
Audience “Jackson! Yay! This movie rules”
“And you will know, my name is Mace Windu when I totally kick some Stormtroopers’ faces off with my lightsaber”
Audience “…Stormtroopers? Did he just say Stormtroopers? Cool!”
STAR DESTROYER
“See Rick McCallum? They love it already, just chuck in Stormtroopers and other stuff from the 1st three that they liked. Fools.”
“Lord Lucas, nothing has happened to advance the plot in 7minutes.”
“damn”
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin have stopped doing Jedi stuff and are walking through several blue-screen sets.
In the background are Jawas, Ewoks and other cool things from the 1st 3 movies.
“C’mon Anni, let’s go get into a fight in a Cantina. Just like in the first movie”
“STOP CALLING ME ANNI! I’M NOT A CHICK!”
“Jeez, touchy touchy.”
“I’M GETTING ANGRY, I’LL TURN TO THE DARKSIDE IF YOU DON’T STOP”
Audience “Yeah, darkside! Darth Vader! This is going to rock!”
“There’s Amidala, she’s hot. I’m going to touch her space-boobs”
Audience “Yeah! Sex and Darth Vader and Samuel L Jackson and Stormtroopers! This is way better than TPM”
STAR DESTROYER
“My Lord, they have taken the bait. Now?”
“No, soon.”
JEDI CHAMBER
Obi-Wan is being told off by Yoda for having a beard and for spending 90% of TPM waiting on a ship whilst Qui-Gon did all the work in a crap stick-on beard.
“Hmm, have stuff to do in this movie you will. Fight many Stormtroopers you will. Now go and take Anakin, Amidala and some droids to another planet.”
C3P0 & R2D2 come in, looking like they did in the first two movies.
Audience “Yay! The droids are back! This truly is a fantastic film”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“No, wait”
SOME PLANET
Obi-Wan, Anakin and Amidala are having a massive lightsaber fight with loads of CGI baddies
“Quick Anni, go mental and run off.”
“GGGRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHH, I’M ANGRY!”
Audience “Yes! He’s doing to be Darth Vader now!”
The fight ends.
Anakin & Amidala spend 40 mins being lovey with each other.
Audience “WTF?”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“Yes, now”
For the next hour there follows some crap about a plot to kill Amidala and all the bits that weren’t in the trailer happen.
The audience starts to fidget and root around in their ears waiting for the big Jedi battle.
JEDI BATTLE
Loads of Jedi run about and kill stormtroopers.
Obi-Wan is captured and left for dead by Jango Fett.
Anakin has a hissy fit and kills Samuel L Jackson.
Lord Lucas sits back and counts the money.
The Audience shuffle out at the end.
“Well it was ok, I saw Boba Fett as a child and Anakin going mental. I still know how this all ends though. Ah well, 3 years until the final episode”
And Stormtroopers and Boba Fett.
Thereby making it cool as the first 3 without having to do anything new.
I forgot the deleted/but restored scene:
A SPACESHIP
"What's the matter Obi-Wan, you look miserable"
"I miss Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon appears in spirit form like in the first movie
"Trust your instincts Luk...er...Obi-Wan"
"Qui-Gon? Is that really you?"
"Yes. You beard is much better than mine."
"Thanks"
"Let's talk about how hate and anger is a bad thing"
"Ok"
"It's bad."
"Yep."
"Your Jedi clobber looks like pajamas. You nancy"
"Shut up Qui-Gon"
"And you pony-tail was stolen from a little girl"
"Don't make me scowl again"
He does so
"Sorry Obi-Wan, I sense your innner torment by your constant scowl"
"Hpmh"
"Cheer up, I'll let you kiss me"
"...really?"
"Yes. Feel my force"
"It's powerful!"
"Yes. Touch it, go on"
"I love you"
"I love you too Obi-Wan. Now you must live in a cave, wallowing in shame until Luke finds you in A New Hope"
"Ok"
Thereby making it cool as the first 3 without having to do anything new.
I forgot the deleted/but restored scene:
A SPACESHIP
"What's the matter Obi-Wan, you look miserable"
"I miss Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon appears in spirit form like in the first movie
"Trust your instincts Luk...er...Obi-Wan"
"Qui-Gon? Is that really you?"
"Yes. You beard is much better than mine."
"Thanks"
"Let's talk about how hate and anger is a bad thing"
"Ok"
"It's bad."
"Yep."
"Your Jedi clobber looks like pajamas. You nancy"
"Shut up Qui-Gon"
"And you pony-tail was stolen from a little girl"
"Don't make me scowl again"
He does so
"Sorry Obi-Wan, I sense your innner torment by your constant scowl"
"Hpmh"
"Cheer up, I'll let you kiss me"
"...really?"
"Yes. Feel my force"
"It's powerful!"
"Yes. Touch it, go on"
"I love you"
"I love you too Obi-Wan. Now you must live in a cave, wallowing in shame until Luke finds you in A New Hope"
"Ok"
A plot full of hope, and yet despair.
No idea what happens in this one except Clones. And they attack. So based on fictitious assumption, here is the script:
---
Opening Crawl
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
The Trade Federation is in tatters. The excuse for a plot in The Phantom Menace has left SW fans reeling and crying, wondering how their childhood memories could be so sullied in 120 minutes. The rebellion is in tatters, with Dark Jackson ruling from his two towers with his Ring. The Empire had crumbled, with the previous Emperor Lucas being lambasted in all corners of the galaxy.
The time of the Jedi approaches…”
Pan Down to Planet
Ship Flies from top of screen
STAR DESTROYER
“I will crush them. All of them”
“Yes Lord Lucas, they will all pay for mocking The Phantom Menace”
Darth Lucas spins away and his flannel-check cape billows out behind him.
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin sit in the sand.
“Hey Anakin, you grew up from a gormless wide-faced kid to a sulky teen!”
“Shut up Obi-Wan or I’ll kick your ass”
“Let’s practice Jedi stuff”
They do.
NABOO
“Mesa secondary character now! Mesa gone from this movie in 2 mins”
Audience “Christ, he’s in it again.”
STAR DESTROYER
“So Lord Lucas, how will this unfurl? Bearing in mind the audience already knows the outcome of this story?”
“I will use many expensive effects and include nods to the 1st three movies in an attempt to create a sense of hope. Which I will crush. Mwahahahaha. Ooo look, here’s Boba Fett! You loved him right? This movie is equally as cool as Empire! Eh? Eh? Boba Fett!”
“My name is Jango Fett, Boba is my son. We are both evil.”
Audience “Boba Fett is a kid? Man that sucks, he was the coolest thing in Empire and we see him as a kid? What is going on?”
“My Lord, they are unsettled!”
“Dammit. Ok, here comes Samuel L Jackson, the coolest thing about TPM. He has more than 7 lines in this one.
JEDI COUCIL CHAMBER
“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious Midichlorians, those who attempt to poison and destroy my Jedi soup”
Audience “Jackson! Yay! This movie rules”
“And you will know, my name is Mace Windu when I totally kick some Stormtroopers’ faces off with my lightsaber”
Audience “…Stormtroopers? Did he just say Stormtroopers? Cool!”
STAR DESTROYER
“See Rick McCallum? They love it already, just chuck in Stormtroopers and other stuff from the 1st three that they liked. Fools.”
“Lord Lucas, nothing has happened to advance the plot in 7minutes.”
“damn”
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin have stopped doing Jedi stuff and are walking through several blue-screen sets.
In the background are Jawas, Ewoks and other cool things from the 1st 3 movies.
“C’mon Anni, let’s go get into a fight in a Cantina. Just like in the first movie”
“STOP CALLING ME ANNI! I’M NOT A CHICK!”
“Jeez, touchy touchy.”
“I’M GETTING ANGRY, I’LL TURN TO THE DARKSIDE IF YOU DON’T STOP”
Audience “Yeah, darkside! Darth Vader! This is going to rock!”
“There’s Amidala, she’s hot. I’m going to touch her space-boobs”
Audience “Yeah! Sex and Darth Vader and Samuel L Jackson and Stormtroopers! This is way better than TPM”
STAR DESTROYER
“My Lord, they have taken the bait. Now?”
“No, soon.”
JEDI CHAMBER
Obi-Wan is being told off by Yoda for having a beard and for spending 90% of TPM waiting on a ship whilst Qui-Gon did all the work in a crap stick-on beard.
“Hmm, have stuff to do in this movie you will. Fight many Stormtroopers you will. Now go and take Anakin, Amidala and some droids to another planet.”
C3P0 & R2D2 come in, looking like they did in the first two movies.
Audience “Yay! The droids are back! This truly is a fantastic film”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“No, wait”
SOME PLANET
Obi-Wan, Anakin and Amidala are having a massive lightsaber fight with loads of CGI baddies
“Quick Anni, go mental and run off.”
“GGGRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHH, I’M ANGRY!”
Audience “Yes! He’s doing to be Darth Vader now!”
The fight ends.
Anakin & Amidala spend 40 mins being lovey with each other.
Audience “WTF?”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“Yes, now”
For the next hour there follows some crap about a plot to kill Amidala and all the bits that weren’t in the trailer happen.
The audience starts to fidget and root around in their ears waiting for the big Jedi battle.
JEDI BATTLE
Loads of Jedi run about and kill stormtroopers.
Obi-Wan is captured and left for dead by Jango Fett.
Anakin has a hissy fit and kills Samuel L Jackson.
Lord Lucas sits back and counts the money.
The Audience shuffle out at the end.
“Well it was ok, I saw Boba Fett as a child and Anakin going mental. I still know how this all ends though. Ah well, 3 years until the final episode”
---
Opening Crawl
“A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
The Trade Federation is in tatters. The excuse for a plot in The Phantom Menace has left SW fans reeling and crying, wondering how their childhood memories could be so sullied in 120 minutes. The rebellion is in tatters, with Dark Jackson ruling from his two towers with his Ring. The Empire had crumbled, with the previous Emperor Lucas being lambasted in all corners of the galaxy.
The time of the Jedi approaches…”
Pan Down to Planet
Ship Flies from top of screen
STAR DESTROYER
“I will crush them. All of them”
“Yes Lord Lucas, they will all pay for mocking The Phantom Menace”
Darth Lucas spins away and his flannel-check cape billows out behind him.
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin sit in the sand.
“Hey Anakin, you grew up from a gormless wide-faced kid to a sulky teen!”
“Shut up Obi-Wan or I’ll kick your ass”
“Let’s practice Jedi stuff”
They do.
NABOO
“Mesa secondary character now! Mesa gone from this movie in 2 mins”
Audience “Christ, he’s in it again.”
STAR DESTROYER
“So Lord Lucas, how will this unfurl? Bearing in mind the audience already knows the outcome of this story?”
“I will use many expensive effects and include nods to the 1st three movies in an attempt to create a sense of hope. Which I will crush. Mwahahahaha. Ooo look, here’s Boba Fett! You loved him right? This movie is equally as cool as Empire! Eh? Eh? Boba Fett!”
“My name is Jango Fett, Boba is my son. We are both evil.”
Audience “Boba Fett is a kid? Man that sucks, he was the coolest thing in Empire and we see him as a kid? What is going on?”
“My Lord, they are unsettled!”
“Dammit. Ok, here comes Samuel L Jackson, the coolest thing about TPM. He has more than 7 lines in this one.
JEDI COUCIL CHAMBER
“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious Midichlorians, those who attempt to poison and destroy my Jedi soup”
Audience “Jackson! Yay! This movie rules”
“And you will know, my name is Mace Windu when I totally kick some Stormtroopers’ faces off with my lightsaber”
Audience “…Stormtroopers? Did he just say Stormtroopers? Cool!”
STAR DESTROYER
“See Rick McCallum? They love it already, just chuck in Stormtroopers and other stuff from the 1st three that they liked. Fools.”
“Lord Lucas, nothing has happened to advance the plot in 7minutes.”
“damn”
TATTOOINE
Obi-Wan & Anakin have stopped doing Jedi stuff and are walking through several blue-screen sets.
In the background are Jawas, Ewoks and other cool things from the 1st 3 movies.
“C’mon Anni, let’s go get into a fight in a Cantina. Just like in the first movie”
“STOP CALLING ME ANNI! I’M NOT A CHICK!”
“Jeez, touchy touchy.”
“I’M GETTING ANGRY, I’LL TURN TO THE DARKSIDE IF YOU DON’T STOP”
Audience “Yeah, darkside! Darth Vader! This is going to rock!”
“There’s Amidala, she’s hot. I’m going to touch her space-boobs”
Audience “Yeah! Sex and Darth Vader and Samuel L Jackson and Stormtroopers! This is way better than TPM”
STAR DESTROYER
“My Lord, they have taken the bait. Now?”
“No, soon.”
JEDI CHAMBER
Obi-Wan is being told off by Yoda for having a beard and for spending 90% of TPM waiting on a ship whilst Qui-Gon did all the work in a crap stick-on beard.
“Hmm, have stuff to do in this movie you will. Fight many Stormtroopers you will. Now go and take Anakin, Amidala and some droids to another planet.”
C3P0 & R2D2 come in, looking like they did in the first two movies.
Audience “Yay! The droids are back! This truly is a fantastic film”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“No, wait”
SOME PLANET
Obi-Wan, Anakin and Amidala are having a massive lightsaber fight with loads of CGI baddies
“Quick Anni, go mental and run off.”
“GGGRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHH, I’M ANGRY!”
Audience “Yes! He’s doing to be Darth Vader now!”
The fight ends.
Anakin & Amidala spend 40 mins being lovey with each other.
Audience “WTF?”
STAR DESTROYER
“Now?”
“Yes, now”
For the next hour there follows some crap about a plot to kill Amidala and all the bits that weren’t in the trailer happen.
The audience starts to fidget and root around in their ears waiting for the big Jedi battle.
JEDI BATTLE
Loads of Jedi run about and kill stormtroopers.
Obi-Wan is captured and left for dead by Jango Fett.
Anakin has a hissy fit and kills Samuel L Jackson.
Lord Lucas sits back and counts the money.
The Audience shuffle out at the end.
“Well it was ok, I saw Boba Fett as a child and Anakin going mental. I still know how this all ends though. Ah well, 3 years until the final episode”