The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
I've posted up my view on life, so here is my view on religion. I'm not taking the pee, I'm just bored and fancy writing something. Hopefully the result will be funny. But it's not meant to be offensive.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ok, religion. Here goes:
Jospeh, poor chap, was a bit of a thick man. No GCSE's or whatnot, hence he was a carpenter (which until I was about 7 I thought meant he made carpets - no joke!). A very skilful job, carpenter, but not much use for the old grey matter, eh?
So he was a bit on the slow side, to say the least.
Mary went out one night with the girls (perhaps a hen night? Who knows, it's wrapped up in the mystery of the bible), and had too many Bacardi Breezers. She was a little tipsy and did something with someone she shouldn't.
I.e. she got involved with a few foreign blokes (Yup, more than one - she was a right go-er) and now she had a bun in the oven.
What could she do? Her a Joseph weren't married, hadn't had sex yet. She would be found out and thrown out of the village! Perhaps she would be stoned like that bit in that Monty Python film! Gosh!
But her and the girls contrived a plan, at a coffee morning, or was it at the hairdressers? Dunno, anyway, she arrived at this plan that would certainly get her out of the situation she now found herself in. So she went home that night and said unto Joseph:
"Umm, Joseph, I got something to tell you."
"Duh?"
"I'm pregnant."
"Duh?"
"By the great lord! It's a miracle! You'll be the father of the son of God!"
"Duh?"
"Nevermind, shall I put the kettle on?"
"Duh."
So she put the kettle on, and the issue was settled. Mary was the mother, and Joseph the father of the Son of God. And no one said a word, as God rocked and His Hand touched everything, so it was obvious this was meant to be.
< 9 Months later >
Mary and Joseph go to Nazereth (or where ever it is) and can't find anywhere to stay. You know the score - they didn't plan ahead and left late because Mary had to do her hair so they had to sleep in a barn messing Mary's hair up making it pointless her doing it in the first place! Bloody women!
Anyway, they get there and she gives birth to the baby. Just after she's done this three blokes bowl in. Mary recognises them. They're the three that got her up the duff in the first place. She pretends not to notcie them.
"Goo goo ga ga." Says Joseph. Well, it's an improvement on "Duh?" anyway...
The three blokes give Mary gifts so she doesn't say anything about their orgy. A kind of olde-worlde CSA I suppose. Anyway, they give loads of gold and stuff. Stupid Joseph thinks that it's all to do with the kid being the son of God. Fool.
Anyway, some years pass and the baby, Jesus, grows up thinking he's special.
Why does he think this? Not because his dad tells him that he, Joseph, is the father of the son of God (he still hasn't worked out that makes him God - even after about 20 years). No, it's because he's the only white man for hundreds and hundreds of miles.
Seen any pictures of Jesus? Yup, he's white in all of them. Yet all around him would be Arabs. Hmmm, no wonder he thinks he's special.
Anyway, he thinks he's so special he goes into drug dealing and... I'm bored now so I'll stop. Possibly carry on tomorrow night if anyone gives a toss...
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ok, religion. Here goes:
Jospeh, poor chap, was a bit of a thick man. No GCSE's or whatnot, hence he was a carpenter (which until I was about 7 I thought meant he made carpets - no joke!). A very skilful job, carpenter, but not much use for the old grey matter, eh?
So he was a bit on the slow side, to say the least.
Mary went out one night with the girls (perhaps a hen night? Who knows, it's wrapped up in the mystery of the bible), and had too many Bacardi Breezers. She was a little tipsy and did something with someone she shouldn't.
I.e. she got involved with a few foreign blokes (Yup, more than one - she was a right go-er) and now she had a bun in the oven.
What could she do? Her a Joseph weren't married, hadn't had sex yet. She would be found out and thrown out of the village! Perhaps she would be stoned like that bit in that Monty Python film! Gosh!
But her and the girls contrived a plan, at a coffee morning, or was it at the hairdressers? Dunno, anyway, she arrived at this plan that would certainly get her out of the situation she now found herself in. So she went home that night and said unto Joseph:
"Umm, Joseph, I got something to tell you."
"Duh?"
"I'm pregnant."
"Duh?"
"By the great lord! It's a miracle! You'll be the father of the son of God!"
"Duh?"
"Nevermind, shall I put the kettle on?"
"Duh."
So she put the kettle on, and the issue was settled. Mary was the mother, and Joseph the father of the Son of God. And no one said a word, as God rocked and His Hand touched everything, so it was obvious this was meant to be.
< 9 Months later >
Mary and Joseph go to Nazereth (or where ever it is) and can't find anywhere to stay. You know the score - they didn't plan ahead and left late because Mary had to do her hair so they had to sleep in a barn messing Mary's hair up making it pointless her doing it in the first place! Bloody women!
Anyway, they get there and she gives birth to the baby. Just after she's done this three blokes bowl in. Mary recognises them. They're the three that got her up the duff in the first place. She pretends not to notcie them.
"Goo goo ga ga." Says Joseph. Well, it's an improvement on "Duh?" anyway...
The three blokes give Mary gifts so she doesn't say anything about their orgy. A kind of olde-worlde CSA I suppose. Anyway, they give loads of gold and stuff. Stupid Joseph thinks that it's all to do with the kid being the son of God. Fool.
Anyway, some years pass and the baby, Jesus, grows up thinking he's special.
Why does he think this? Not because his dad tells him that he, Joseph, is the father of the son of God (he still hasn't worked out that makes him God - even after about 20 years). No, it's because he's the only white man for hundreds and hundreds of miles.
Seen any pictures of Jesus? Yup, he's white in all of them. Yet all around him would be Arabs. Hmmm, no wonder he thinks he's special.
Anyway, he thinks he's so special he goes into drug dealing and... I'm bored now so I'll stop. Possibly carry on tomorrow night if anyone gives a toss...
Your Honour wrote:
> Jospeh, poor chap, was a bit of a thick man. No
> GCSE's or whatnot, hence he was a carpenter (which until I was about 7 I thought
> meant he made carpets - no joke!).
Even im not that stupid, i thought he fitted the carpets (no joke).
> Jospeh, poor chap, was a bit of a thick man. No
> GCSE's or whatnot, hence he was a carpenter (which until I was about 7 I thought
> meant he made carpets - no joke!).
Even im not that stupid, i thought he fitted the carpets (no joke).
Ok, so 'my view on Christianity' instead of 'my view on my religion'. Thanks for the apology, I wasn't offended or anything, it's just that you see 'religion' and it's all about just one of them, not religion the concept, and it strikes you as strange if you're not of the faith.
Thanks anyway, it was very funny.
Thanks anyway, it was very funny.
Very funny :D
PS in todays modern society, if there was another 'Son of God' then I think all these people would start sueing him for various 'acts of God' (ie. floods, lightning, droughts, etc.) and pretty soon he'd be broke, living on the streets, trying to remember how to heal cripples, and the number for that religious attourney who offered him a 50% discount on legal fees...
:D
PS in todays modern society, if there was another 'Son of God' then I think all these people would start sueing him for various 'acts of God' (ie. floods, lightning, droughts, etc.) and pretty soon he'd be broke, living on the streets, trying to remember how to heal cripples, and the number for that religious attourney who offered him a 50% discount on legal fees...
:D
Your Honour wrote:
>
But still, I apologise for any offence.
--
Why? As you said, it's not your religion, so you don't believe in it. To me, the Bible is just a story - a bad story. Not much interesting happens. It's just the same as someone taking the mick out of Lord of the Rings. It doesn't mean anything. So don't apologise for something you shouldn't.
It was hilarious, by the way. :-)
>
But still, I apologise for any offence.
--
Why? As you said, it's not your religion, so you don't believe in it. To me, the Bible is just a story - a bad story. Not much interesting happens. It's just the same as someone taking the mick out of Lord of the Rings. It doesn't mean anything. So don't apologise for something you shouldn't.
It was hilarious, by the way. :-)
Seinfeld_Enthusiast wrote:
I liked your satirical take on Christianity, but I am amazed that you chose to label this topic 'my view on religion', when of course, you meant your view on your religion, not everyone else's. I am sure it was an innocent mistake, but I still think it's one worth apologising for, I'm sure your not too big for it.
So it should have been called:
"My view on my religion"?
But it's not my religion. I don't own it, nor do I believe in it.
But still, I apologise for any offence.
I liked your satirical take on Christianity, but I am amazed that you chose to label this topic 'my view on religion', when of course, you meant your view on your religion, not everyone else's. I am sure it was an innocent mistake, but I still think it's one worth apologising for, I'm sure your not too big for it.
So it should have been called:
"My view on my religion"?
But it's not my religion. I don't own it, nor do I believe in it.
But still, I apologise for any offence.
I liked your satirical take on Christianity, but I am amazed that you chose to label this topic 'my view on religion', when of course, you meant your view on your religion, not everyone else's. I am sure it was an innocent mistake, but I still think it's one worth apologising for, I'm sure your not too big for it.
Interesting
Expect a reply from Ant sentencing you to hell :)
Expect a reply from Ant sentencing you to hell :)
It's frightening to think that the same thing could happen again.. I can see it now...
Victoria Beckham has a one night stand with one of her dancers, gets pregnant. David says "ooh you're pregnant, that weren't me", "gosh David, that must mean it's the son of God!", "Crikey, that's a turn up for the books"
And so David Beckham's sponsors come around to talk about endorsing the son of God. With the billions of multinational dollars behind the baby, the Pope will be bought into the whole sordid affair, especially if it's a new Pope. The Pope will proclaim the child the son of God and that's how it'll be.
It could happen, but only to a father *that* stupid.
Victoria Beckham has a one night stand with one of her dancers, gets pregnant. David says "ooh you're pregnant, that weren't me", "gosh David, that must mean it's the son of God!", "Crikey, that's a turn up for the books"
And so David Beckham's sponsors come around to talk about endorsing the son of God. With the billions of multinational dollars behind the baby, the Pope will be bought into the whole sordid affair, especially if it's a new Pope. The Pope will proclaim the child the son of God and that's how it'll be.
It could happen, but only to a father *that* stupid.
I've posted up my view on life, so here is my view on religion. I'm not taking the pee, I'm just bored and fancy writing something. Hopefully the result will be funny. But it's not meant to be offensive.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ok, religion. Here goes:
Jospeh, poor chap, was a bit of a thick man. No GCSE's or whatnot, hence he was a carpenter (which until I was about 7 I thought meant he made carpets - no joke!). A very skilful job, carpenter, but not much use for the old grey matter, eh?
So he was a bit on the slow side, to say the least.
Mary went out one night with the girls (perhaps a hen night? Who knows, it's wrapped up in the mystery of the bible), and had too many Bacardi Breezers. She was a little tipsy and did something with someone she shouldn't.
I.e. she got involved with a few foreign blokes (Yup, more than one - she was a right go-er) and now she had a bun in the oven.
What could she do? Her a Joseph weren't married, hadn't had sex yet. She would be found out and thrown out of the village! Perhaps she would be stoned like that bit in that Monty Python film! Gosh!
But her and the girls contrived a plan, at a coffee morning, or was it at the hairdressers? Dunno, anyway, she arrived at this plan that would certainly get her out of the situation she now found herself in. So she went home that night and said unto Joseph:
"Umm, Joseph, I got something to tell you."
"Duh?"
"I'm pregnant."
"Duh?"
"By the great lord! It's a miracle! You'll be the father of the son of God!"
"Duh?"
"Nevermind, shall I put the kettle on?"
"Duh."
So she put the kettle on, and the issue was settled. Mary was the mother, and Joseph the father of the Son of God. And no one said a word, as God rocked and His Hand touched everything, so it was obvious this was meant to be.
< 9 Months later >
Mary and Joseph go to Nazereth (or where ever it is) and can't find anywhere to stay. You know the score - they didn't plan ahead and left late because Mary had to do her hair so they had to sleep in a barn messing Mary's hair up making it pointless her doing it in the first place! Bloody women!
Anyway, they get there and she gives birth to the baby. Just after she's done this three blokes bowl in. Mary recognises them. They're the three that got her up the duff in the first place. She pretends not to notcie them.
"Goo goo ga ga." Says Joseph. Well, it's an improvement on "Duh?" anyway...
The three blokes give Mary gifts so she doesn't say anything about their orgy. A kind of olde-worlde CSA I suppose. Anyway, they give loads of gold and stuff. Stupid Joseph thinks that it's all to do with the kid being the son of God. Fool.
Anyway, some years pass and the baby, Jesus, grows up thinking he's special.
Why does he think this? Not because his dad tells him that he, Joseph, is the father of the son of God (he still hasn't worked out that makes him God - even after about 20 years). No, it's because he's the only white man for hundreds and hundreds of miles.
Seen any pictures of Jesus? Yup, he's white in all of them. Yet all around him would be Arabs. Hmmm, no wonder he thinks he's special.
Anyway, he thinks he's so special he goes into drug dealing and... I'm bored now so I'll stop. Possibly carry on tomorrow night if anyone gives a toss...
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ok, religion. Here goes:
Jospeh, poor chap, was a bit of a thick man. No GCSE's or whatnot, hence he was a carpenter (which until I was about 7 I thought meant he made carpets - no joke!). A very skilful job, carpenter, but not much use for the old grey matter, eh?
So he was a bit on the slow side, to say the least.
Mary went out one night with the girls (perhaps a hen night? Who knows, it's wrapped up in the mystery of the bible), and had too many Bacardi Breezers. She was a little tipsy and did something with someone she shouldn't.
I.e. she got involved with a few foreign blokes (Yup, more than one - she was a right go-er) and now she had a bun in the oven.
What could she do? Her a Joseph weren't married, hadn't had sex yet. She would be found out and thrown out of the village! Perhaps she would be stoned like that bit in that Monty Python film! Gosh!
But her and the girls contrived a plan, at a coffee morning, or was it at the hairdressers? Dunno, anyway, she arrived at this plan that would certainly get her out of the situation she now found herself in. So she went home that night and said unto Joseph:
"Umm, Joseph, I got something to tell you."
"Duh?"
"I'm pregnant."
"Duh?"
"By the great lord! It's a miracle! You'll be the father of the son of God!"
"Duh?"
"Nevermind, shall I put the kettle on?"
"Duh."
So she put the kettle on, and the issue was settled. Mary was the mother, and Joseph the father of the Son of God. And no one said a word, as God rocked and His Hand touched everything, so it was obvious this was meant to be.
< 9 Months later >
Mary and Joseph go to Nazereth (or where ever it is) and can't find anywhere to stay. You know the score - they didn't plan ahead and left late because Mary had to do her hair so they had to sleep in a barn messing Mary's hair up making it pointless her doing it in the first place! Bloody women!
Anyway, they get there and she gives birth to the baby. Just after she's done this three blokes bowl in. Mary recognises them. They're the three that got her up the duff in the first place. She pretends not to notcie them.
"Goo goo ga ga." Says Joseph. Well, it's an improvement on "Duh?" anyway...
The three blokes give Mary gifts so she doesn't say anything about their orgy. A kind of olde-worlde CSA I suppose. Anyway, they give loads of gold and stuff. Stupid Joseph thinks that it's all to do with the kid being the son of God. Fool.
Anyway, some years pass and the baby, Jesus, grows up thinking he's special.
Why does he think this? Not because his dad tells him that he, Joseph, is the father of the son of God (he still hasn't worked out that makes him God - even after about 20 years). No, it's because he's the only white man for hundreds and hundreds of miles.
Seen any pictures of Jesus? Yup, he's white in all of them. Yet all around him would be Arabs. Hmmm, no wonder he thinks he's special.
Anyway, he thinks he's so special he goes into drug dealing and... I'm bored now so I'll stop. Possibly carry on tomorrow night if anyone gives a toss...