Viewing Thread:
"Agh..."

Those of you who know me well, and those of you that have been here for over a year will probably have read my topic entitled "Now It's My Turn..." Because I can't find a link to it, I'll post it here now and then write my latest thoughts underneath.
If you have already read this then just scroll down, but if not then you'll need to, because otherwise you won't understand. Here's the original topic:

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After seeing Grix and er-no write emotional posts about how gaming and the forums have helped them through there tough times, I thought I'd do my own. But, mine is not as serious as Grix's or er-no's, but I hope I interest you.

It was...probably about a year ago now. My parents were off on their anniversary weekend away, and I went to stay with my Aunt and Uncle who lived about 45 mins away. I was quite looking forward to it, as my 2 cousins Tom and James may be younger than me, but they are totally mad-and highly amusing.

My Aunt and Uncle are very friendly with their 'neighbourhood,' and many nights everyone gets together and it's a lot of fun. Their best friends have a daughter called Grace who's my age, and a brother who's a couple of years younger-but a good friend.

I'd always liked Grace, but I thought I wasn't in her league. The surprising thing was...well, as many of you know I may seem quite confident in here, but I'm am actually very unconfident, and I get very nervous around new people or girls. But with Grace I could talk to here, with no problems at all!
That weekend I went over to her house for a while, strutted my stuff, and after I'd been there for a while her brother started some rather awkward rumour. She didn't mind though-she's very forward. The opposite of me, really.

I got home, and that same day won my FIRST ever GAD!! And that same night, she rang me up and asked me out! I was extremely happy, ecstatic even. *For note, I can't even remember what game I chose*

Living 45 mins away was a bit annoying. So we e-mailed and phoned eachother all the time. I was so happy! Even when I was going through a really tough day at school, I said to myself, "Just get through it, you can talk to Grace when you get home." I don't know if any of you have felt like this, but it's amazing. I seemed so much more happier than usual. Another thing was I wasn't so unconfident at school-another plus.

So this continued for a while, with us seeing each other every week or so. It was one of the greatest times of my life.

A few months ago I won what I think was my 4th GAD. On that exact same night, she e-mailed me saying she wanted to be 'just friends.' I didn't give up hope, I continued to e-mail her, asking her for a good reason, and then it came. There was some 15 year old boy who liked her-and she liked him. I should've guessed really, she'd been out with nearly every boy in her year, and now she was going out with someone from the year above.

For a while I refused to talk to her. I had this...contemptous hate for her, as well as this boy. In the end I began to forget. I tried to forget her and the great time I'd spent with her. But I knew I'd have to face her soon...after all, I couldn't ignore my cousins forever, could I?? I mean, everytime I went round there, she was there too.

I was right. We went over there, and Grace and her family were there too. We got talking as 'friends,' and it felt a bit like the old days. A week later I stayed at her house again. I was so sure she wanted me back afterwards, so sure it was...well, unbelievable. I was 99% sure.

So I kept dropping hints and finally at her house, my cousin did something I'll remember for the rest of my life. He got me to whisper how I felt about Grace, and then got Grace to whisper to him how she felt about me. I hesitated, worried about her not feeling the same way as me. But I was sick of being unconfident, sick of it. I was sick of never talking to girls, but most of all I was sick of being unhappy. So I told him the truth. He then took me outside and said exactly this,

"Okay, Ant. Grace says that she doesn't love you."

There it was. Crack. BOOM! Snap. Whichever way you put it, my heart was broken. He said something else, and the jist of it was that she knew as well. I was terribly embarassed, but more so heartbroken. I nodded to my cousin, and to Grace (who was actually rather nice about it) I just laughed, and said that it 'didn't matter.' That was a lie. Inside I was crying, I felt as though someone had stuck their hand into my chest, grabbed my heart, and snapped it in two.

My mind was hell. Messages were flying everywhere, I didn't know what to do, I was embarrased...I just wanted to scream. "Why'd this have to happen me?! What did I do to deserve this!?!?"

But I didn't. I continuted to laugh and smile. And then we went and watched a video with my aunt and her parents. It was Notting Hill. That made me feel even worse.
"That lucky sod. How come he gets the girl he wants, eh?"

That night was hell. I was sleeping over there, and as I tried to sleep in this annoying sleeping bag, I was literally crying. I couldn’t take it. I just wanted to go home and see my parents, my brother and sister, my friends, but most of all, I wanted to see you guys. I’ll explain more a bit later.

The next day was okay. I’d recovered a little, but having to sit through dinner with their whole family (including Grace’s Gran and Grandad,) was not enjoyable. Well, the food was, but I just wanted to go HOME!

My dad picked me up and asked, “So, how’d it go?”

I wanted to say, “It went crap. She broke my heart and I feel like crap.” But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

“Oh, fine. It was okay,” was my actual reply.

I had school the next day, which made me feel even worse. But for some reason I wasn’t inconsolable. I thought I would be, but I thought of UKDiscussions (as it was known then,) and my heart rose. That’s how much these forums mean to me.

I got home and played on a game. I can’t remember what it was, but I know I played for a long time. I was in a different world…I was able to forget everything that had happened the previous night, and as I turned my PS2 off everything came back to me suddenly. But I went onto the forums, and I forgot everything that had happened. As soon as I started talking to Grix, FM, Meka, er-no whoever it was, I felt a whole lot better.

The only people who know about this are Grix and Grandprix. My parents don’t know. My friends at school don’t know. My brother and sister don’t know. Why have I told you all this?? Because you’re all people I can class as ‘friends.’ It feels good to get all this off my chest, and I’d just like to thank Grix for giving me the words that have helped me the most. He said to me, “Well, it’s an experience, Ant.”

And that’s true. It was an experience. Not a nice one, but I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. And hopefully it’ll help me through other tough times.

Thanks for reading guys, and thanks for chatting. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.

Thanks once again for reading, Ant.

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Heh, pretty emotional. Well, it's about a year on from that, and yesterday I saw her again for the first time since.

Once again, I'm confused. I don't know what to think. I enjoy being around her so much. We always have a laugh, and hanging around with her, my cousins and my brother is brilliant, even if they are all younger than me (my cousins are 10 and 7, Grace is a few months younger.)

One of the highlights of yesterday is when we all went to the store to buy my Aunt some bread and orange juice. Grace was the only girl out of all of us, and so one of my 'mad' cousins began to call her mum. Me and my brother joined in, saying stuff like, "Oh muuum, can't we have some sweets!?" "Why aren't we going this way mum??" "Mum, what are you buying??"

She said she was annoyed but she knew it was just a laugh. I couldn't stop laughing as people at the counters and around the sotre stared and laughed at us, and the women who were in the queue with her sympathised. My cousin continued to do it with a straight face. I thought it wad funny until he started to call me Dad. {:)

As always with her, I was confident. It felt so good to be confident around someone like her, always sure of myself. But as we talked more we came across the subject of my friends, who she met a couple of weeks before we broke up. Now, my mates are the sort of people who like to take the p|ss out of everyone, and because she was younger than me they were all whispering and giggling about it. I didn't care that much because they always do that, but I found out yesterday that she was a little hurt. Well, actually, she said they were horrible but laughed afterwards, as if she didn't care. But I don't know...maybe she did. Are they the reason we broke up?? Are they the reason I've felt so confused...so unhappy?? I don't know, and don't think I'll ever have the courage to find out.

Maybe some of my friends will read this. People like Darkness and Lodge. Hopefully they won't because they might spread my innermost feelings around school, but maybe I should trust them more. I don't think either of them met Grace so I can't blame them, but...Agh, I don't know.

She's going away until tuesday now, I'm already missing her. We've chatted on MSN, but that's not the same. It's so frustrating that she lives far away, but I can't do anything about it. Hopefully I'll get to see her again, but I just can't see it...I'm sure there's something there for us, we get on so well...maybe she just doesn't realise it. You know, she's been out with a lot of boys, and maybe she doesn't know. But I can wait. I should try and get over this but it's hard, especially when we're good friends...damn, I'm confused and my head hurts.

Look, as I always say, if you read this then I thank-you, because it means you took a few minutes out of your precious lives to read something written by me. I'm sorry to shove all of my stupid feelings onto you guys, but I feel that this is the only place I can let them all out.

Thanks for reading, Ant.

Aye well Anty boy seems your in love.

Something I wouldn't really know about, but you took the good with the bad or something.

Anyway keep up the good work, no slacking.

Darkness_2K wrote:
> I met Grace. She seemed really nice to me, but yeah, our mates do enjoy taking
> the p**s. Out of strangers, friends, each other, me. It all seems like harmless
> fun to them, but some people can be hurt by this.

I'm not sure where or when
> I heard it, but I knew about you two. I spoke not a word to our mates, knowing
> their attitude.

Remember Ant, I've been on here as long as you have (my
> stats may not show it, but I told you about this place), I've read many things
> you've written, and not once have I gone to school and said: "You'll never
> guess what happened to Ant....." or anything like that.

I dont feel
> like I can be open on these forums, any more thani can to my friends. Well,
> maybe a little more than to them :) But I've never really opened up as some of
> you people have.

I do not hold this against you, not at all. I think telling
> someone about your troubles is the best way of helping them. Be it to a friend,
> family member, or someone you've never met, but still hold the same respect for
> nevertheless.

I seem to know a lot about you now Ant. I know you as a friend,
> and I know you as a UkChatforums member. Two completely different people, both
> of whom I like. I seem to know an auwful lot about you with these two combined,
> and I admire you. You're abiltity to put these thoughts out in the open. Its
> something I cant do (yes, I do have feelings!)

Perhaps you'll have to be more
> careful with other people from school joining the forums. Or perhaps they too
> have fake personalities in real life, and they too can let out their true selves
> on here.

Anyway, I didn't say much about the original post, as I didn't
> really know what to :) But I hope.

I have read this post Ant, and no I wont
> spread your innermost feelings at school, as I hope if I ever was to write a
> post like this, you would too.

Lets all just hope Lodge doesn't read it ;)

Hehe, I agree.

Cheers Dan, I'm sure you won't spread it at school. I do really have to be more careful now, with people like Jon and Lodge joining up.

You see, I know that people like you, Jon, Lodge, Rich, Ian etc. all probably have the same sort of feelings as me, I'm just lucky I have a place to talk about them. {:) Maybe you should too, but then again, some people prefer to keep them to themselves. Me? I try to, but sometimes I just need to get it off my chest.

Also, yeah, I expect you did know a bit about this earlier. Maybe you skimmed over my previous topic a while ago, or heard stuff from other members. And it's true, nothing's been said at school.

I hope this can stay the same between us Dan, keep the stuff that we read on here about each-other secret. I guess it's stupid really, but if you want to enjoy some of school you don't want to spend all the time having the p!ss taken out of you, just for letting out feelings that they don't.

Anyway, cheers Dan mate, it's much appreciated. {:)

Just want you to know I read it all and I wish I could give advice but I have never been in a situation like this before In fact I've only ever had one girlfriend. I have lots of Female Friends who hang out with me and my mates but I doubt I'll find a girl who I love in the near future .

Still good post though.

I read it all, and just wanted you to know that. There's nothing better then posting about your feelings on something. I mean, finally being able to talk to people about a situation, without the fear of what others think. As with the internet, there is the log off button, which just doesn't happen to exist in real life.

There's people in my life who I can talk to. I appear to people as someone filled with confidence and that's the impression that I give. "Who from the group is gonna go up in front of the class and do a presentation", I'd volunteer. It doesn't bother me. Why should I really worry about what other people think? It's just not really that easy, but you have to put up with it.

Nice post, Ant.

I met Grace. She seemed really nice to me, but yeah, our mates do enjoy taking the p**s. Out of strangers, friends, each other, me. It all seems like harmless fun to them, but some people can be hurt by this.

I'm not sure where or when I heard it, but I knew about you two. I spoke not a word to our mates, knowing their attitude.

Remember Ant, I've been on here as long as you have (my stats may not show it, but I told you about this place), I've read many things you've written, and not once have I gone to school and said: "You'll never guess what happened to Ant....." or anything like that.

I dont feel like I can be open on these forums, any more thani can to my friends. Well, maybe a little more than to them :) But I've never really opened up as some of you people have.

I do not hold this against you, not at all. I think telling someone about your troubles is the best way of helping them. Be it to a friend, family member, or someone you've never met, but still hold the same respect for nevertheless.

I seem to know a lot about you now Ant. I know you as a friend, and I know you as a UkChatforums member. Two completely different people, both of whom I like. I seem to know an auwful lot about you with these two combined, and I admire you. You're abiltity to put these thoughts out in the open. Its something I cant do (yes, I do have feelings!)

Perhaps you'll have to be more careful with other people from school joining the forums. Or perhaps they too have fake personalities in real life, and they too can let out their true selves on here.

Anyway, I didn't say much about the original post, as I didn't really know what to :) But I hope.

I have read this post Ant, and no I wont spread your innermost feelings at school, as I hope if I ever was to write a post like this, you would too.

Lets all just hope Lodge doesn't read it ;)

i remember your first post ant which one gameaday.. I remember you were well chuffed for about a week and now it appears you had another reason to be happy. I'd like to be able to give you some advice but everysituation is different.

Ashley (not mystique)

Mouldy Cheese wrote:

These kind of posts always rule.

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They do indeed. And Ant's do especially. I wish I could write like that........

Grandprix wrote:
I'm assuming that Grace is
> your first love. I don't think I'll ever forget my first love. I never see her
> anymore so it must be harder for you, seeing her every so often. All the
> feelings that you thought were gone start rushing back and confusing the mind.

Heh, I couldn't have put it better. I manage to forget about her, and then just one day with her brings everything back.

Not serious.

If that isn't serious then what is?

:-)

I'm glad that you were able to say these things to me. It meant a lot, because I hadn't been around SR very long at that point.

I'm assuming that Grace is your first love. I don't think I'll ever forget my first love. I never see her anymore so it must be harder for you, seeing her every so often. All the feelings that you thought were gone start rushing back and confusing the mind.