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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
-----
The Heimlich Manoeuvre
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
-----
The Heimlich Manoeuvre
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
These are 58 actual newspaper headlines, and they're hilarious!
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Good ones Wookie and thanks for your YH - People in the office did wonder why I was lol so I have had to print them off and pass them round.
Cheers for brightening up the office. :D
Cheers for brightening up the office. :D
Your Honour:
>I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
LMAO!!! :D
>I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
LMAO!!! :D
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an
old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his c**k, wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would
you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken
and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it.
... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just cant take it anymore.
... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to
swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an
old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every
morning at 6am his c**k, wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would
you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken
and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it.
... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just cant take it anymore.
... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to
swallow.
Heh, good ones Wookiee, yet again.
Not so good from Football God, but still, fair enough.
Not so good from Football God, but still, fair enough.
man: Doctor Doctor i am seeing double.
doctor:sit on the couch.
man: which one?
Why is an elephant so wrinkled?
It is to big to fit on an ironing board.
Knock-knock
who is there
mima
mima who
mima fingers they're shut in the door.
Does your shirt have holes in it
no
then how would you put it on?
doctor:sit on the couch.
man: which one?
Why is an elephant so wrinkled?
It is to big to fit on an ironing board.
Knock-knock
who is there
mima
mima who
mima fingers they're shut in the door.
Does your shirt have holes in it
no
then how would you put it on?
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
-----
The Heimlich Manoeuvre
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
"Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
-----
The Heimlich Manoeuvre
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.