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":.-.:The Forlan Files:.-.: A PES2 Spoof. (+)"

Day 1:

Today we started our tour of Japan. The flight journey was bad. Ruud was sick on my knee and Fabien stole my Game Boy. I told him not to waste the batteries, they were the only ones I had, and considering I had to spend 4 whole matches on the subs bench, it didn't make me happy to think he was wasting my only means of entertainment, apart from seeing Ryan in shorts of course. Finally after 10 hours of travel we reached Japan. All the Japanese fans wanted our autographs. Unfortunately when it got around to my turn, all the fans ran out of space in their books. Its just one of those things I suppose...

Day 2:

Before our first match, some gaming company wanted us to all go over and take part in a photo shoot for some promotion. Ryan was unable to come along due to a contract with another games company, but he did lend us his so called '12th' man known only as 'Gigsi'. We all arrived at a rather derelict looking building. We asked Alex if this was the right place, but before he could answer a rather small man with glasses skipped out of a door to the side of the building. He ushered us to follow him back in. We all did. As we reached the murky depths of the building our guide suddenly disappeared. It all went black and there was the slight smell of soiled pants coming from Ole's direction. What happened next I do not know, only that there was a strange voice saying 'Welcome, all you football freaks'. It was Peter Brackley. His voice sent me to sleep with boredom.

Day 3:

I awoke on what must have been the next day. The room I was in was black, but straight ahead I could make out a strange light. It was aliens! I was sure of it! But a closer inspection revealed that it was just Scholes, who had gone a bit over the top with the lemon flavoured Fructis. As I looked around I could also make out faint silhouettes of the other guys. Before I had chance to say anything though, a loud chorus of music broke out. It was Queen! Everything then went black... again.

Day 4:

AM:

I felt something hit my head. I looked up and saw Ruud with a grin on his face. "Can I have de ball back", he said. "You dare kick it at me again! I mean it, I'll kick your head in Ruud!" I shouted back. But before I could say any more, I was silenced by a stereotypical boot camp leader type voice. "No.1 rule in PES Country. No real Dutch names! GOT IT!?!", "Yes Sir" I replied. Ruud then asked what he should be called. "Oranges032!" was the reply from 'the gob’, which we all decided to refer to the boot camp leader as. "Oranges!?!? Oranges!?!?" replied Ruud worriedly. "What happens at half time when Alex says that the half time refreshment is Oranges!!? I'm telling you, some of the lads will get the wrong idea!” The argument carried on for a while. Ruud and me then went to one side and he explained that he thought he knew what was happening. He explained that the evil little man at the derelict building transformed us into his game and that we must play along with it. He added that different games have different rules and that the stupid name rule was just one that we had to follow while we was taking part in this game. I didn't like it one bit. Before we returned back to the pitch Ruud wanted to say one more thing. He went on to say how he has been in a similar experience before. When he was on a trip in London, he visited Soho and just like the other day, he was transformed into a game. He even said that he had to be called Rod Nistroy. Poor Ruud. We then went back to training.

PM:

As we returned, I remembered going to look for my Puma boots. When asking 'the gob' if he had seen them he replied, "No.2 rule in PES Country. No non-Umbro kit! So that means you get your Umbro boots out of your Umbro locker, then you leave your Umbro locker room, then come onto the Umbro training pitch, kick your Umbro footballs into the Umbro goals with your Umbro boots, then you go and clean your Umbro boots with your Umbro scrubbing brush. GEDDIT!?!" "Yes sir" I replied. This was crazy. Over the next few hours we managed to get a bit of training in. We had to prepare for our first match. According to Ruud, now we are in ‘the game’, we have to play 'PES' teams. Our first fixture was against 'The Lake District'. Hmmm, sound like a 'great' team. Not! Either way, we were still made to train all afternoon. Most the time was spent watching David swing his free kicks in, aiming to hit a spooky floating target. This was really quite boring, but I did like the little bleep sound that was made every time David hit the target.

Day 5:

Today was the day of the match. I was expecting to be sat on the bench, but fortunately Ruud had a bit of a problem. He refused to play without his Nike boots on. Oh well, his loss. So finally I got to step onto a football pitch in the starting eleven. Maybe this PES thing wasn't so bad after all. So off I went. The crowd was cheering... well, booing, but I can dream. One strange thing I did notice was the banners around the side. Apart from the odd 'Get Forlan out, he stinks' banners, there were the odd ‘Calcio Hell’ and ‘Get Goal Elevens’ banners. I'd never seen anything like it. And that’s not the only strange thing. I actually managed to score a goal, and Fabien didn't make even one mistake! Incredible. After the match we all sat around and watched the highlights. Oh God. It was Peter Brackley doing the analysis. "Lets take a look at this incident. Wow, that was a great incident. And what happened on this incident." All the way through. That was all he said. At first I thought it was just him being a bad analyser, but then it all became clear. While he was analysing, we all heard a voice in the background. "Say it badly. Say incident you fool! I'll whip you again. And you need not laugh Mr.Brooking!" It was 'the gob'. "I actually work for EA you fools! Now say it badly else Trevor gets it!" we all laughed. I felt like part of the team. I cried with happiness.

Day 45:

Now it was finally the day to leave, back to our world. I ended up as top scorer, top assister, and we even won the league. In fact, I loved this world so much that I decided to stay. So in an ET fashion I waved goodbye to my 'pals'. Finally I had found a place I could enjoy. THE END.

Join me in PES2 out now for PS2.



Many thanks go out to:

Peter 'Incident' Brackley.
Diego Forlan.
The 12th Man.
Little Japanese man with glasses.
Fructis Garnier.
Spooky Floating Target.
ET.
'The Gob'.
Paul Scholes.
Fabien Barthez.
Ruud Van Nistelrooy a.k.a. Oranges032
Ruud Van Nistelrooys Puke.

That'll do. This post was sponsored by Umbro.

Thanks for reading,
Nath.

Heh, thankyou. :)

If the topic wasn't briliant enough, the title definitely was, Well Done!

You sure did. Oh well not to worry. It was making me smell like smokey bacon anyway...

I wee-weed all over it. :)

Thanks Nev and Russ. I'm sorry I beat you Russ. :(
And stop trying to wee wee on my bonfire Blank ;)

I thought he was Oranges038...

Congratulations mr Buchanan. Another well written piece of satire.

Keep up the good work.

Neville.

Maybe Forlan saw the sign that said 'We love Dynamite Shooter'. Or something.

Was gutted when my post didn't win, then I read this. Top drawer stuff Natbuc - maybe some other players deserve the PES spoof treatment?

:)

Thankyou very much SR :)

Cheers Mandy. :D