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Well, I guess the console wars are over. Sony's Playstation 2 has once again taken the crown, and newcomers Microsoft have had to settle with joint second (or should I say last) with Nintendo with their respective machines the XBOX and Gamecube. We know Sony and Microsoft are working on hardware sequels already, and with Nintendo's recent statements that they're still in the console making business, it's probable that they'll be releasing a second GC soon. So, what will the machines do? What will they look like? What exclusive games and features will they have, and what will their controllers be like? As always, I have the answers. After months of undercover work, I have discovered the blueprints of the next generation of consoles.
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THE SONY PLAYSTATION 3
Well, firstly, the machine design. The PSOne was all round, cuddly and light, where the PS2 was sharp, sleek and dark. So, to meet them halfway, the PS3 is a sort of beige colour with lots of razor sharp edges, but reset and power buttons made of rubber. The famously obscure 'third place' advertising campaign that accompanied the PS2 would lose some of its impact this time round, seeing as it actually WOULD be the 'third place', which would mean that it would be overshadowed in this respect by its competitors (more later). The start up screen would have lots of sci-fi stuff using neon such as flying cars and pills that have all the nutrition of a whole meal, with whooshing sounds so that you know it's all futuristic and expensive and clever and stuff. It would be the first console to actually be both a console and a Swiss Army Knife, with a shaving razor, a corkscrew and a bottle opener amongst other things folded inside the disk tray. Of course, the razor would be rubbish and break easily, the corkscrew would fall off if twisted too hard and the bottle opener wouldn't really open bottles that well, but that's what you can expect from Sony's quality control. Also, after six weeks the machine would automatically stop reading all discs, and after eight it would sprout legs and runaway. Sony say it's to combat piracy.
As already confirmed, the machine can harness the powers of other machines...and so, when six PS3's all join together their power rings, they morph into one giant super console, capable of killing evil robot pollution and paedophiles. In a bid to remind everyone that the Playstation is a franchise, continuity is kept in the form of the company being too goddamn lazy to finally design a new controller. The control sticks would still be frustratingly close together, although now each button has a jillion degrees of sensitivity, and make different pitches of 'click' depending on how hard they're pressed. Instead of making any proper visible differences, the controllers have got 'Playstation Dual Shock 3' written all over them, and silver glitter has been dotted about the black surface so that you know it's all futuristic and expensive and clever and stuff. Sony's main exclusivity deal is Lara Croft. Having lost just about everything that isn't made by EA to Microsoft (more later), Sony have been forced to make game after game with the buxom wench, including Lara Croft Rally (a racing sim), and Metal Gear Lara (a stealth game). Also, in a bid to boost profits, the console doesn't come with any controller ports, or wires to plug into the TV, so you need to buy a special Playstation 3 Startup Pack for £200. The console itsself costs £1100.
======= ========= ========= ========
THE XBOX2
Microsoft are back, and bigger than ever...literally. The XBOX2 is a huge, tower like structure with a disct tray, power button and special floppy disk drive. It also comes free with its own special XBOX TV or 'monitor'. The loading sequence takes a few minutes and you are introduced to your home browser, or 'desktop'. From here you can put in games to play, or as they're called in the manual, 'applications'. When you finish a gaming session you must exit the 'application' and 'desktop', 'shutting down' the console. There are warning stickers all over the machine, with such slogans as 'Careful: Heavy Load' and 'Do Not Keep in High Places'. There is also a frighteningly huge Microsoft logo plastered across the top, and an equally big XBOX2 logo on the front that lights up a deep red when switched on, and can see into your soul when you sleep at night. The controller has four handles, because you need four hands to hold the thing. Then, you need another four to reach all the buttons. It feels a bit like a keyboard made out of lead, only deeper, with bigger buttons that are wider apart. You control movement with the W, A, S and D keys, and use the Ctrl and Alt triggers for firing, as well as the F numbers to reload, open doors and switch camera angles.
To compete with Sony, Microsoft have a special Swiss Army Knife add-on kit for £60 with improved shaving, corkscrewing and bottle opening abilities that are fixed on to your 'DVD drive'. The XBOX2 will have backwards compatibility with the Genesis 32x CD thingie after Microsoft bought Sega and their whole back catalogue. In addition to this Microsoft have bought Capcom, Konami, Reflections, Activision, Rockstar, and every other idependent games company around (excluding EA) to ensure that any game not featuring Nintendo trademarks or Lara Croft can only appear on the Bill's Big Black Box 2. To make sure you don't instead go for the PS3, instead of matching Sony's £1100 price MS have gone 1100 better, and are actually giving the XBOX2 away for free, along with six controllers, four games and a lock of JJ Allard's hair!
======= ========= ========= ========
THE GAMECUBE 2
Nintendo have made sure that nobody will ever make fun of them or their image any more...by only selling their product to people that can't speak yet! That's right, the GCN2 will be entirely made out of scratch and sniff material, with such exotic smells as 'circuitry' and 'failure'. The machine will be multi-coloured, with each of the six panels being a different bright colour be it orange, purple, yellow, green, aquamarine or pink. The GCN2 is now about as big as a watermelon, after complaints last time around that small children were actually swallowing the console. Now, when you press the buttons on the machine or controller, you will hear barnyard animal noises, helping you to both have fun AND learn something! The opening sequence will feature such family friends as the baby in the sun from the Teletubbies, and creepy schoolkid look alike Jeanette Cranky. Unfortunately, it only lasts a few seconds to accomodate for the target audience's short attention span. Next you see a big Nintendo logo bouncing around the screen, making hilarious 'boing' noises when it hits the edges of the TV screen, and occasionall stopping to catch its breath. Minutes of fun!
The games themselves are up to the usual Nintendo standard of 'nowhere near as good as what it used to be'. The launch didn't actually have any games, and it was a full two years before EA bothered to release NHL2009. After six more months, Super Smash Brothers Again came out to raptuous burping and dribbling, and then after another eleven years Super Mario 256 came out...and sucked. In the pipeline are Mario Tennis 3 and...uh...well, that's it really. The Gamecube controller only has one button because baby hands are small and pudgy, and don't move around all that quickly. Also, instead of plastic it's made out of Play-Dough, to let you make your own funny shapes. Also, the console itsself has two big handles allowing you to either carry it around to your friend's house, or wear it as an adorable backpack! The GCN2's versatility and funny noises are sure to confirm Nintendo have definitely lost their touch, and to take into consideration the fact that babies don't get pocket money, Nintendo will actually be going even further than Microsoft, and giving children sweeties and rides home from school in fire engines in exchange for taking the console!
======= ========= ========= ========
Well, there you have it. Some may have speculated, some may even have come close but above are the hard facts. In a couple of years, you too can own the masters of technology we will know as the PS3, XBOX2 and GCN2.
Thanks for reading.
-El Blokey
======= ========= ========= ========
THE SONY PLAYSTATION 3
Well, firstly, the machine design. The PSOne was all round, cuddly and light, where the PS2 was sharp, sleek and dark. So, to meet them halfway, the PS3 is a sort of beige colour with lots of razor sharp edges, but reset and power buttons made of rubber. The famously obscure 'third place' advertising campaign that accompanied the PS2 would lose some of its impact this time round, seeing as it actually WOULD be the 'third place', which would mean that it would be overshadowed in this respect by its competitors (more later). The start up screen would have lots of sci-fi stuff using neon such as flying cars and pills that have all the nutrition of a whole meal, with whooshing sounds so that you know it's all futuristic and expensive and clever and stuff. It would be the first console to actually be both a console and a Swiss Army Knife, with a shaving razor, a corkscrew and a bottle opener amongst other things folded inside the disk tray. Of course, the razor would be rubbish and break easily, the corkscrew would fall off if twisted too hard and the bottle opener wouldn't really open bottles that well, but that's what you can expect from Sony's quality control. Also, after six weeks the machine would automatically stop reading all discs, and after eight it would sprout legs and runaway. Sony say it's to combat piracy.
As already confirmed, the machine can harness the powers of other machines...and so, when six PS3's all join together their power rings, they morph into one giant super console, capable of killing evil robot pollution and paedophiles. In a bid to remind everyone that the Playstation is a franchise, continuity is kept in the form of the company being too goddamn lazy to finally design a new controller. The control sticks would still be frustratingly close together, although now each button has a jillion degrees of sensitivity, and make different pitches of 'click' depending on how hard they're pressed. Instead of making any proper visible differences, the controllers have got 'Playstation Dual Shock 3' written all over them, and silver glitter has been dotted about the black surface so that you know it's all futuristic and expensive and clever and stuff. Sony's main exclusivity deal is Lara Croft. Having lost just about everything that isn't made by EA to Microsoft (more later), Sony have been forced to make game after game with the buxom wench, including Lara Croft Rally (a racing sim), and Metal Gear Lara (a stealth game). Also, in a bid to boost profits, the console doesn't come with any controller ports, or wires to plug into the TV, so you need to buy a special Playstation 3 Startup Pack for £200. The console itsself costs £1100.
======= ========= ========= ========
THE XBOX2
Microsoft are back, and bigger than ever...literally. The XBOX2 is a huge, tower like structure with a disct tray, power button and special floppy disk drive. It also comes free with its own special XBOX TV or 'monitor'. The loading sequence takes a few minutes and you are introduced to your home browser, or 'desktop'. From here you can put in games to play, or as they're called in the manual, 'applications'. When you finish a gaming session you must exit the 'application' and 'desktop', 'shutting down' the console. There are warning stickers all over the machine, with such slogans as 'Careful: Heavy Load' and 'Do Not Keep in High Places'. There is also a frighteningly huge Microsoft logo plastered across the top, and an equally big XBOX2 logo on the front that lights up a deep red when switched on, and can see into your soul when you sleep at night. The controller has four handles, because you need four hands to hold the thing. Then, you need another four to reach all the buttons. It feels a bit like a keyboard made out of lead, only deeper, with bigger buttons that are wider apart. You control movement with the W, A, S and D keys, and use the Ctrl and Alt triggers for firing, as well as the F numbers to reload, open doors and switch camera angles.
To compete with Sony, Microsoft have a special Swiss Army Knife add-on kit for £60 with improved shaving, corkscrewing and bottle opening abilities that are fixed on to your 'DVD drive'. The XBOX2 will have backwards compatibility with the Genesis 32x CD thingie after Microsoft bought Sega and their whole back catalogue. In addition to this Microsoft have bought Capcom, Konami, Reflections, Activision, Rockstar, and every other idependent games company around (excluding EA) to ensure that any game not featuring Nintendo trademarks or Lara Croft can only appear on the Bill's Big Black Box 2. To make sure you don't instead go for the PS3, instead of matching Sony's £1100 price MS have gone 1100 better, and are actually giving the XBOX2 away for free, along with six controllers, four games and a lock of JJ Allard's hair!
======= ========= ========= ========
THE GAMECUBE 2
Nintendo have made sure that nobody will ever make fun of them or their image any more...by only selling their product to people that can't speak yet! That's right, the GCN2 will be entirely made out of scratch and sniff material, with such exotic smells as 'circuitry' and 'failure'. The machine will be multi-coloured, with each of the six panels being a different bright colour be it orange, purple, yellow, green, aquamarine or pink. The GCN2 is now about as big as a watermelon, after complaints last time around that small children were actually swallowing the console. Now, when you press the buttons on the machine or controller, you will hear barnyard animal noises, helping you to both have fun AND learn something! The opening sequence will feature such family friends as the baby in the sun from the Teletubbies, and creepy schoolkid look alike Jeanette Cranky. Unfortunately, it only lasts a few seconds to accomodate for the target audience's short attention span. Next you see a big Nintendo logo bouncing around the screen, making hilarious 'boing' noises when it hits the edges of the TV screen, and occasionall stopping to catch its breath. Minutes of fun!
The games themselves are up to the usual Nintendo standard of 'nowhere near as good as what it used to be'. The launch didn't actually have any games, and it was a full two years before EA bothered to release NHL2009. After six more months, Super Smash Brothers Again came out to raptuous burping and dribbling, and then after another eleven years Super Mario 256 came out...and sucked. In the pipeline are Mario Tennis 3 and...uh...well, that's it really. The Gamecube controller only has one button because baby hands are small and pudgy, and don't move around all that quickly. Also, instead of plastic it's made out of Play-Dough, to let you make your own funny shapes. Also, the console itsself has two big handles allowing you to either carry it around to your friend's house, or wear it as an adorable backpack! The GCN2's versatility and funny noises are sure to confirm Nintendo have definitely lost their touch, and to take into consideration the fact that babies don't get pocket money, Nintendo will actually be going even further than Microsoft, and giving children sweeties and rides home from school in fire engines in exchange for taking the console!
======= ========= ========= ========
Well, there you have it. Some may have speculated, some may even have come close but above are the hard facts. In a couple of years, you too can own the masters of technology we will know as the PS3, XBOX2 and GCN2.
Thanks for reading.
-El Blokey
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Oh yes, I forgot to say: the GCN2's games would be on solid gold bars, to combat piracy.
I will ruin your thread and take it off subject if its the last thing i do, which it may be
i dont know, i forgot the password i think... go on msn alex
Quinty, are you still bitter over that football games post? You won GAD for it, so it all evens out. Feel free to comment at the subject at hand.
And Joe, what happened to your psychot account?
And Joe, what happened to your psychot account?
unfortunately not. He just plays the guitar and says a/s/l to old ladys he passes by on the streets
torticollis wrote:
> he also talks in internet slang, hes a wonder with the ladys
So he's a gimp then? Thought so.
> he also talks in internet slang, hes a wonder with the ladys
So he's a gimp then? Thought so.
he also talks in internet slang, hes a wonder with the ladys
I know el blokey, goes by the name of alex, quite a funny guy, once you get past the fact that he actually glued himself to his pentium minus 4 with quasi super duper broadband whilst eating spaggheti with superglue instead of a fork.
I actually read through it and its a good post, why has nobody else commented on it?
POP
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