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In the new story postin format I'm going to write a brief description here and then post the story as a reply.. if you see what I mean...
First thing to realise, in case you start to get confused is that the paragraphs alternate between the minds of two different people. I'm quite pleased with it really, espcially as I started it at about 5:30 am and it's now 6:45 am. Excuse any typos because though I am not tired, my fingers are and I'm increasingly becoming a dyslexic typer.
The story is about understanding and bonding with another person. And that's all I'm going to say for now, but if you want to know more then just ask.
First thing to realise, in case you start to get confused is that the paragraphs alternate between the minds of two different people. I'm quite pleased with it really, espcially as I started it at about 5:30 am and it's now 6:45 am. Excuse any typos because though I am not tired, my fingers are and I'm increasingly becoming a dyslexic typer.
The story is about understanding and bonding with another person. And that's all I'm going to say for now, but if you want to know more then just ask.
yeah Grix I know what you mean... making eye contact almost feels wrong with many people... I dunno what it is, but you kind of feel like they know what you're thinking- you feel exposed...
That was great to read.
I love eyes. Anything and everything to do with them I love, because I'm utterly, utterly scared of them. I really don't know what it is, but if I gain eye contact with anyone, I look straight away and my mind blanks completely. I just can't cope with it.
But it inspires me a hell of a lot, because I'm so intrigued with them.
I love eyes. Anything and everything to do with them I love, because I'm utterly, utterly scared of them. I really don't know what it is, but if I gain eye contact with anyone, I look straight away and my mind blanks completely. I just can't cope with it.
But it inspires me a hell of a lot, because I'm so intrigued with them.
Yeah the coming together was the idea at the end. I wasn't sure how to end it.. I had one prospective ending where it turned out to be two men, but I thought that might be a little risqué.
It's basically about doubts and fears and the moment when you connect with somebodies eyes and know everything. Eyes don't lie and they have a way of conveying more than you could say or write in an hour. At first they are dijointed and don't understand what the other wants or needs. But as things progress they move on to the same wave length, and when he says "Your the only person I have ever kissed" he doesn't say it; it's a thought that rings out so loudly she has to look up into his eyes and then they communicate to each other in a look, which seems to last for ages but probably only takes place in a second as they stand at the altar on the verge of marriage. And when they reach an understanding they don't speak in seperate paragraphs anymore, they can speak as one and the same.
Gingerlord that idea's quite strange. Looking back it does work like that, which I hadn't realised. The second speaker (probably the woman - that's what I decided in the end) sees the first speaker as out of her league. He's the dominant lover in Sylvia Plath's "To a Jilted Lover":
Once I wounded him with so
small a thorn
I never thought his flesh would burn
or that the heat within would grow
until he stood
incandescent as a god;
And so he is god-like in her eyes, as someone who she cannot possibly live up to. But he has the problem of not believing in himself because of a rival who he refers to as HE, right up till the end when HE becomes he, as he realises that he is the one.
Anyway thanks very much for taking the time to read this (and my long post in the life forum) it means a lot to me.
ANd it was easier to read in word, because one person spoke in blue and the other in yellow and at the end they mix into green (which is un petit peu pretentious so thankfully SR doesn't let you have colours!)
It's basically about doubts and fears and the moment when you connect with somebodies eyes and know everything. Eyes don't lie and they have a way of conveying more than you could say or write in an hour. At first they are dijointed and don't understand what the other wants or needs. But as things progress they move on to the same wave length, and when he says "Your the only person I have ever kissed" he doesn't say it; it's a thought that rings out so loudly she has to look up into his eyes and then they communicate to each other in a look, which seems to last for ages but probably only takes place in a second as they stand at the altar on the verge of marriage. And when they reach an understanding they don't speak in seperate paragraphs anymore, they can speak as one and the same.
Gingerlord that idea's quite strange. Looking back it does work like that, which I hadn't realised. The second speaker (probably the woman - that's what I decided in the end) sees the first speaker as out of her league. He's the dominant lover in Sylvia Plath's "To a Jilted Lover":
Once I wounded him with so
small a thorn
I never thought his flesh would burn
or that the heat within would grow
until he stood
incandescent as a god;
And so he is god-like in her eyes, as someone who she cannot possibly live up to. But he has the problem of not believing in himself because of a rival who he refers to as HE, right up till the end when HE becomes he, as he realises that he is the one.
Anyway thanks very much for taking the time to read this (and my long post in the life forum) it means a lot to me.
ANd it was easier to read in word, because one person spoke in blue and the other in yellow and at the end they mix into green (which is un petit peu pretentious so thankfully SR doesn't let you have colours!)
Quality post, hope you win a GAD for it, you deserve it. For a while it felt like a person speaking to God, reread it and see whether you can see that.
Good twist at the end, I thought you were losing your way with it, and then BAM! You spring that one out. Quality!
Good twist at the end, I thought you were losing your way with it, and then BAM! You spring that one out. Quality!
that was a very good piece of writing, the shifting mixed me up a little, but the ending was very good, the two of them becoming one as it were...
You stand there not listening to a word I say. Your eyes diverted from mine and your mind in another place entirely. “As it was in the beginning, is now, and Forever shall be world without end. Amen.” And I say these words that make no sense and they barely register. Look into my eyes and show me a flicker. Anything. Just make me feel like I’m not making a mistake.
Your eyes are darker than mine and I cannot read them nor appreciate the depths of your soul but that doesn’t make me a bad person; it makes me normal, hopelessly so, in comparison to your incandescent figure. And you stand glowering over me and speaking in words that I try to follow but can’t and so I look to the ground in shame because you wouldn’t feel as you do if you knew this. Try to understand me please.
You still haven’t looked up… what goes on inside your head? If I could look into your eyes for a second I would understand all: your hopes, dreams and fears. The eyes are the portal to the soul and the soul is a book that writes itself eternally. Your eyes are beautiful and the way the light used to catch them when you were young, when we were young, sent shivers down my spine and made me love you more than I knew how to… Is that why you abhor my gaze so greatly now? Did I not meet the expectations you had of me? Look at me, look at me!
I can hear the sound of you thinking and not speaking, which means your thinking about me. You’re probably looking at me wistfully or sadly, I can’t tell, but I can feel the warmness of your gaze on the side of my face. Do I disappoint you? I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t look up to you without feeling inadequate in every possible way; dwarfed by your intellect and disfigured by your beauty. How am I to satisfy you ever? How am I to be the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life? I can’t let you see these insecurities, not today, not now.
Your eyes still avoid my gaze. I know you can sense me looking at you. I know that ever since HE died it’s not been the same but we have to move on. We have to claim back our lives and learn to love each other the way we did before. You must remember the days when you and I would hold each other so tightly in the night, even though they could have caught us. I would do anything for you to hold me that way again, and to hear you whisper my name to yourself when sleeping, knowing that the dreams you dreamt were of me, just as mine are of you. And I want to scream that I love you but I can’t. Not here, not now. It’s not right.
If only you would realise that it’s not about HIM. You think that I had such a deep affinity with him, and that I loved him with every atom of my being, when I didn’t. I chose you, not him, and the fact that he’s dead now should set you free from his shadow. Can’t you ever see how much better than all of us you always have been? This is about me and you; our relationship. Surely you remember the first time we kissed. I never told you but it was the first time I had ever kissed or been kissed… I feel in love with you, HE was never anything to me. You just thought he was.
I know you loved HIM. I know that you are only with me because HE went away to fight. You disapproved of the war, of everything that our country stood for and that HE upheld in fighting for them. That’s why you chose me, not because you loved me but because I stayed here and you needed someone to make you feel complete like HE did. But the memory of you holding the letter in your hands and knowing that HE was dead and that it could never be between the two of you is etched into my memory… so why do you linger? Why do you hold on to me when HE’s never going to return? Is it our kiss? Surely you remember our first kiss. I never told you it was the first time I had ever kissed anyone before, because I thought you would think me naïve, and that you would doubt me. If we are doomed to go in separate ways then I’ll tell you so you can look up and see how pathetic I am “You’re the only person I’ve ever kissed”
There you’ve made me look at you. You’ve made me look at you with the tears rolling down my cheeks and you are so beautiful. More beautiful than I can find words to describe, I’ve never been good at describing things, if only I could say this to you. If only I could tell you the words that lie within my soul.
But you can. You can tell me everything; those words are the same words I see in your eyes. Your beautiful blue eyes.
Our eyes my dear. Our radiant blue eyes. You should have told me. You should have told me before. I never knew. You were always the one we looked up to, aloof like some God looking down on us from you greater experience. You never knew what it was to fear something, you never knew what it was to understand either. Understand that he means nothing.
“I do”
“I now pronounce you man and wife” exploded the priest with gusto.
“You may kiss the bride”
He lifted her veil and her eyes glowed fondly, and I love you they said and thought and felt. Then they kissed and like the first time I shivered and my stomach tightened, and so did mine my darling and we are together, at last we are together. Your lips on mine, and yours on mine, and for the first time I am free, and so am I.
Your eyes are darker than mine and I cannot read them nor appreciate the depths of your soul but that doesn’t make me a bad person; it makes me normal, hopelessly so, in comparison to your incandescent figure. And you stand glowering over me and speaking in words that I try to follow but can’t and so I look to the ground in shame because you wouldn’t feel as you do if you knew this. Try to understand me please.
You still haven’t looked up… what goes on inside your head? If I could look into your eyes for a second I would understand all: your hopes, dreams and fears. The eyes are the portal to the soul and the soul is a book that writes itself eternally. Your eyes are beautiful and the way the light used to catch them when you were young, when we were young, sent shivers down my spine and made me love you more than I knew how to… Is that why you abhor my gaze so greatly now? Did I not meet the expectations you had of me? Look at me, look at me!
I can hear the sound of you thinking and not speaking, which means your thinking about me. You’re probably looking at me wistfully or sadly, I can’t tell, but I can feel the warmness of your gaze on the side of my face. Do I disappoint you? I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t look up to you without feeling inadequate in every possible way; dwarfed by your intellect and disfigured by your beauty. How am I to satisfy you ever? How am I to be the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life? I can’t let you see these insecurities, not today, not now.
Your eyes still avoid my gaze. I know you can sense me looking at you. I know that ever since HE died it’s not been the same but we have to move on. We have to claim back our lives and learn to love each other the way we did before. You must remember the days when you and I would hold each other so tightly in the night, even though they could have caught us. I would do anything for you to hold me that way again, and to hear you whisper my name to yourself when sleeping, knowing that the dreams you dreamt were of me, just as mine are of you. And I want to scream that I love you but I can’t. Not here, not now. It’s not right.
If only you would realise that it’s not about HIM. You think that I had such a deep affinity with him, and that I loved him with every atom of my being, when I didn’t. I chose you, not him, and the fact that he’s dead now should set you free from his shadow. Can’t you ever see how much better than all of us you always have been? This is about me and you; our relationship. Surely you remember the first time we kissed. I never told you but it was the first time I had ever kissed or been kissed… I feel in love with you, HE was never anything to me. You just thought he was.
I know you loved HIM. I know that you are only with me because HE went away to fight. You disapproved of the war, of everything that our country stood for and that HE upheld in fighting for them. That’s why you chose me, not because you loved me but because I stayed here and you needed someone to make you feel complete like HE did. But the memory of you holding the letter in your hands and knowing that HE was dead and that it could never be between the two of you is etched into my memory… so why do you linger? Why do you hold on to me when HE’s never going to return? Is it our kiss? Surely you remember our first kiss. I never told you it was the first time I had ever kissed anyone before, because I thought you would think me naïve, and that you would doubt me. If we are doomed to go in separate ways then I’ll tell you so you can look up and see how pathetic I am “You’re the only person I’ve ever kissed”
There you’ve made me look at you. You’ve made me look at you with the tears rolling down my cheeks and you are so beautiful. More beautiful than I can find words to describe, I’ve never been good at describing things, if only I could say this to you. If only I could tell you the words that lie within my soul.
But you can. You can tell me everything; those words are the same words I see in your eyes. Your beautiful blue eyes.
Our eyes my dear. Our radiant blue eyes. You should have told me. You should have told me before. I never knew. You were always the one we looked up to, aloof like some God looking down on us from you greater experience. You never knew what it was to fear something, you never knew what it was to understand either. Understand that he means nothing.
“I do”
“I now pronounce you man and wife” exploded the priest with gusto.
“You may kiss the bride”
He lifted her veil and her eyes glowed fondly, and I love you they said and thought and felt. Then they kissed and like the first time I shivered and my stomach tightened, and so did mine my darling and we are together, at last we are together. Your lips on mine, and yours on mine, and for the first time I am free, and so am I.
In the new story postin format I'm going to write a brief description here and then post the story as a reply.. if you see what I mean...
First thing to realise, in case you start to get confused is that the paragraphs alternate between the minds of two different people. I'm quite pleased with it really, espcially as I started it at about 5:30 am and it's now 6:45 am. Excuse any typos because though I am not tired, my fingers are and I'm increasingly becoming a dyslexic typer.
The story is about understanding and bonding with another person. And that's all I'm going to say for now, but if you want to know more then just ask.
First thing to realise, in case you start to get confused is that the paragraphs alternate between the minds of two different people. I'm quite pleased with it really, espcially as I started it at about 5:30 am and it's now 6:45 am. Excuse any typos because though I am not tired, my fingers are and I'm increasingly becoming a dyslexic typer.
The story is about understanding and bonding with another person. And that's all I'm going to say for now, but if you want to know more then just ask.