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Lights, camera , action!
[Tribute does that thing down the barrel of a gun and shoots, somebody at the side holding clapperboard falls over clutching at their side]
Scene 1
[A forest; an agent is being chased by tough guys. They run, the agent stops behind a tree. The toughies carry on running, the agent shoots them, but then someone comes from behind the tree and kills the agent. ]
Scene 2
[Tribute walks into a casino. He wanders about, he puts on a pair of sunglasses, he walks into a table. [We see through his eyes someone standing in their underwear. Cut away over his shoulder; they are actually only in their underwear.] Tribute walks over to the table where Mystique is.]
Loki: Huit. La banque. Suivi, carte. Madame wins.
[General sighs etc. around the table. Tribute sits down.]
Loki: Sir? All players.
[People push their chips forward. Tribute is smoking a cigarette in a long yellow holder.]
Loki: Carte.
(He is passed a card by Bazzman.)
Mystique:(placing cards down) Cinq.
Tribute: (placing his cards down) Six.
Loki: Sir wins.
[General applause and Tribute stands up. Tribute looks embarrassed. Mystique looks at him curiously.]
Tribute: Hold on, I’ve got something in my mouth…
[Tribute spontaneously removes a Ping-Pong ball from his mouth. Mystique looks impressed. Meanwhile, his cigarette holder has changed to red.]
Mystique: I admire your balls, Mr…?
Tribute: Tribute (drags on cigarette), Just Tribute. Miss…?
Mystique: Tique Mystique .
Tribute: We all have our foibles.
Mystique: Let me see… (measures him with a tape-measure, seemingly randomly) Hmm… Dry vodka Martini; shaken, not stirred. Correct, Mr Tribute?
Tribute: I’d prefer a wet one.
Mystique: Garcon?
[A waiter arrives and takes their order.]
Tribute: So… Do you come here often?
Mystique: No, it’s my first time.
Tribute: Mmm… a virgin.
[Mystique looks offended. She slaps him, knocking him out. She then storms off. Tribute gets up in time to take both drinks from the prompt waiter and down them both himself. Slightly wobbly, he wanders off to the same roulette table, where Rosalind is sitting. He is smoking grissini.]
Bazzman: Place your bets.
[Tribute places a bet (gasp!).]
Bazzman: Red 13.
Rosalind: Quatsch!
Tribute: You’ve had your chips. (He sniggers.)
Rosalind: Oh! A funny man, I see! (She pulls out a knife)
Tribute: A girl after my own heart.
(Rosalind looks sheepish and hides the knife.)
Rosalind: (making to get up) It’s been a pleasure, Mr…?
(Tribute is now smoking a party squeaker.)
Tribute: Tribute (party thing squeaks as he tries to smoke it),Just Tribute. (pulls her back into her seat) Miss…?
Rosalind: Rosalind. No more
Tribute: Promises, promises.
Rosalind: Drink, Mr Tribute?
Tribute: Vodka on the rocks. And you?
Rosalind: I’d quite like a Howling Orgasm.
Tribute: Later.
Rosalind: No! It’s a subtle blend of Malibu, Vodka,… and absinthe.
Tribute: Of course… (clicks fingers)
(Waiter zooms to him, carrying a tray with a glass of vile looking liquid and a glass of pebbles.)
Rosalind: So Mr Tribute, what do you do?
Tribute: (drunkish) I’m a British Spy with a Licence to Kill…
Rosalind: Really?
Tribute: No! Damn! I’m a… erm… travel agent.
(Rosalind has lost interest and doesn’t seem to notice this give-away. Nonetheless Tribute swoops in for a kiss. He misses her and ends up in a sailor’s lap. The sailor looks pleased. Tribute fights his way free. He’s now smoking a carrot. He staggers away from the puppy-dog sailor and on to Drunk cows table. He sits down at the table. They are playing a manly game of Snap. The sailor seems to have got there before Tribute and is eyeing him up.)
Bazzman: No more players.
(He starts to deal the cards out. Tribute is a bit beasted. He looks around and catches the eye of sailor-boy, who winks provocatively back at him. He turns back to the table and play begins. A furious bout of card throwing-down ensues until a pair is dealt. Tribute immediately reaches for it,… as does the sailor boy. They touch hands on top of the pile. There seems to be some sort of weird spark in the sailor’s eye. He leans away immediately and grabs the nearest stiff… drink. There’s a pause in play. The sailor has won the cards. Tribute looks around and sees Drunk cow. He turns to her.)
Tribute: I was very unlucky there. Do you not agree, Miss…?
Drunk cow: I call it fate.
Tribute: That’s a bit of a silly name, isn’t it?
Drunk cow: (through gritted teeth) My name… is Drunk cow. Akay?
Tribute: I’m not that drunk. (nearly falls over)
Drunk cow: A joker.
Tribute: I’m known as quite a wit.
Drunk cow: That’s one word for it.
(Tribute, who is now very VERY drunk, takes another drink.)
Tribute: So who are you?
Drunk cow: I’m Drunk cow.
Tribute: That’s a bit of a silly name.
(Tribute, failing to find another glass, grabs a bucket from a nearby waiter and drinks deeply from it.)
Bazzman: La banque.
Tribute: Cheeky!
(Tribute is now so larried that he picks up a glass, tips his head to drink it, and falls over backwards, out of shot.)
CUT!!!
Scene 3
(A room with a large table. Sitting at the table are: Drunk cow, Mystique and Rosalind.)
Mystique: So how long were you married to your husband?
Rosalind: Oh about 20 odd years…
Drunk cow: Why do you say odd?
Rosalind: You never met him…
(The door bursts open and a guard runs in)
Guard 1: Mistresses! The Job is done! 0042 has been exterminated!
Drunk cow: Good job you shall be rewarded
Guard 1: Thank you mistress! (Bows down)
Mystique: Excellent! Now the key part of our plan can be executed!
(She points to a flip chart with "Key Part of Our Plan." Written on it. Guard 1 stabs it with a knife laughs manically and leaves)
Rosalind: Yes, the final extermination of the American, British and Russian secret services!
All three: Mwahahahahaha!
(Guard 2 rushes in holding a keyboard)
Guard 2: The live link up with Agent Maddmun is ready mistresses!
(They look to a TV where a bloke is seen to be sitting)
Agent Maddmun: Ah gut morning ladies; I am sorry that I cannot be there to receive my execution, but you have sent some boys round. So… I’d just like to say ooh ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
All three: Mwahahahahaha!
Scene 4
(Close-up of Tribute asleep. His mobile rings on the bedside table. Tribute answers the phone groggily.)
Tribute: (behangovered) Helllo?
Gerrid: Tribute?
Tribute: What.
Gerrid: Where on Earth are you?
Tribute: I’m… err… in the office.
Gerrid: No you’re not, Tribute, I am…
Tribute: Ah.
Gerrid: Be here in three minutes, OK?
(Tribute checks the time on his watch. The camera pans out to view the whole bed, occupied, strangely enough, by two people. Tribute drowsily looks over to the other side of the bed. The sailor boy lies there, asleep. Tribute squeals and falls out of the bed.)
Scene 5
(Tribute walks into Gerrid’s office. Throws his hat at the hat stand, which falls over. )
Gerrid: Hello Tribute.
Tribute: Hello Gerrid, why don’t you come and sit on my lap. How have you been keeping without me?
(The intercom thingy goes with Stryke’s voice)
Stryke: Cut the chat 0069 and get in here now.
Gerrid: You’d better go; he’s got Kyz22 in there.
Tribute: Oh well, see you later Gerrid.
Scene 6
(Tribute walks in to find Stryke and Kyz22 sitting either side of a large desk.
Stryke: Good morning 0069
Tribute: Morning Stryke .
Stryke: As you may know 0069 this is Kyz22, the head of the intelligence services.
Tribute: (nods head)
Stryke: We are here with great sadness to report that 0043 was recently killed in cold blood. He drowned in the stuff.
Kyz22: Recently there has been a spate of killings of double ‘0’ agents in the Lickey Hills area of Birmingham.
Tribute: Hmmmm. Do we know who did it?
Kyz22: The ultimate question.
Stryke: Do you recognise these ?
(Shows Tribute pictures of the villains.) [3 papier maché heads drop down]
Tribute: Hmm. That one’s Drunk cow (points to one), that one’s Mystique (points to another), and the last one’s Rosalind (points to the last).
Stryke: Good Tribute, I see that you have been brushing up on your shady women.
Tribute: Certainly have.
Kyz22: Hilarious Tribute; we want you to go and investigate these ladies, of course. This is a highly dangerous mission, one where only the best will do, unfortunately he’s on holiday, so…
Stryke: Chop, chop Tribute, and remember to report back any developments.
(Tribute gets up and leaves)
Scene 7
(Gerrid’s office, same as scene 2)
Gerrid: Off on another dangerous mission Tribute?
Tribute: Afraid so Gerrid.
Gerrid: Oh isn’t it so romantic, so…
(he is cut off by the intercom thingy, which is relaying a rather sordid exchange between Kyz22 and Stryke).
Stryke: Oh, let me open your classified files, Big Boy.
Kyz22: Oooh! But that’s illegal.
Stryke: But it gives me such a buzz.
Tribute (cutting over the intimacy): Do you normally listen in on these things?
Gerrid: Oh no! … It’s jammed on at that end. Sheepy wants to see you. I’ll just tell him you’re coming.
(Picks up a microphone as Tribute leaves)
Scene 8
(Sheepy’s test hall. Sheepy is speaking to Edgy with the usual random explosions going on in the background. Tribute enters.)
Sheepy: Speak of the Devil.
(Tribute picks up a crucifix and waves it around frantically)
Tribute: Where! Where!
Sheepy: Do calm down 0069.
Edgy: Put it down 0069.
Sheepy: Treat that with…
Tribute: Extra special care, I know!
Sheepy: Not just the usual contempt you treat anything I make with. Be gentle with it! It’s especially for papal exterminations.
Tribute: But of course.
Sheepy: Now look carefully 0069, this looks like a normal gun… but it is actually… a gun!
Tribute: How… imaginative.
Sheepy: What? I thought it would make a change…no? Oh well, look at this…
(Tribute is now disinterested)
Edgy: Oh no, this is actually remarkably good.
(Tribute perks up)
Sheepy: You see this…(shows him a handful of money.) Just one pence can do this… (Flicks coin away. Cut to shot of a nuclear test)
Tribute: Impressive.
Sheepy: In any currency you require.
Edgy: My idea.
Sheepy: Do shut up!
Edgy: Francium!
Sheepy: I’ve told you!
(Tribute is now fingering a curtain with "DO NOT TOUCH!" written on it)
Sheepy: Don’t touch that!
Tribute: Why?
Sheepy: Read the sign.
Tribute: Oh!
Sheepy: It’s my latest pet project.
Tribute: Which is? A cat?
Sheepy: A submarine, powered by water and electricity.
Tribute: Can I see?
Sheepy: NO!
Edgy: It’s mildly explosive at the moment.
(There is a loud yell from behind the curtain.)
Edgy: Teething problems.
(Sheepy guides Tribute away, to a pair of shoes)
Tribute: Interesting…
Sheepy: Remarkably so:
(Points to the heel of one of the shoes)
Sheepy: See this?
Tribute: What is it?
Sheepy: A sewing kit.
Tribute: For those times when I have to…
Sheepy: Darn your way out of a pickle, exactly.
Tribute: Hmmm.
(Points to the heel of the other shoe.)
Sheepy: Now this 0069.
Tribute: What is it now? A miniature sewing machine?
Sheepy: Now I see where you gained your reputation for an incisive wit.
Tribute: Why thank you.
Sheepy: Hidden in the heel is a camera, so you can see whom, or what is following you.
Tribute: Where do I see the pictures?
Edgy: Now this is the interesting part. This watch (holds up a watch) each link is an explosive charge; here two buttons form a taser, when this is pushed. And the face flips back to form a mini-computer, a radar screen and the screen to watch the pictures from the shoe camera.
Tribute: Very good.
(Tribute picks up a rucksack and starts twiddling with it.)
Tribute: What is this? A rocket pack?
Sheepy: Do put it down 0069.
(Tribute pushes a button and it begins to play VERY loud Scottish music. Sheepy grabs it off him.)
Sheepy: That’s MY bag!
Edgy: Don’t touch what you can’t afford!
Sheepy: (changing the subject) See this belt (holds up a belt) it creates an electrical field around the wearer, see…
(Sheepy grabs Edgy by the arm. Edgy shrieks and begins rubbing his arm)
Tribute: Shocking.
Sheepy: Could you please sound a little more enthusiastic about my devices; I put my entire lifeblood into these devices. (Begins sobbing)
Edgy: Now look what you’ve done! Oh well… here’s one more to show you (pulls out a wallet) see this; a changing identity card, it can morph into any identity you wish. And in here are a mixture of family photos, to show any inquisitors. And, this is the best bit, toffee! And over here…
(The tannoy cuts in, Stryke and Kyz22 are still fornicating in the background, but Gerrid says: "0069 to Stryke’s office." Tribute walks off leaving Sheepy sobbing and Edgy talking to himself.)
Scene 9
(Gerrid’s office.)
(Tribute walks in)
Tribute: Are they still at it?
Gerrid: No, he’s just left. he was just telling him that he was like a Stevedore…
Tribute: Ooh tell me more!
Stryke (on intercom): No in fact I beg you to stop.
Scene 10
(Stryke’s office again. Tribute enters and sits)
Stryke: Good morning 0069…
Tribute: I bet it was!
Stryke (ignoring it): We have just had news from the Russians, that one of their top agents; Agent Maddmun has just been executed. It looks like he was executed by the same by the same people that killed 0042.
Tribute: Hmm there have been 73 agents killed in the same manner, but there’s no connection.
Stryke: That’s just it!
Tribute: What is?
Stryke: I’ve got it!
Tribute: Well whatever it is don’t give it to me!
Stryke: There is a connection.
Tribute: How can the surprisingly similar deaths of 42 agents be connected?
Stryke: We’re missing the point!
Tribute: Speak for yourself!
Stryke: Grow up! No, it’s the international black market in drugs.
Tribute: How?
Stryke: Don’t interrupt me! I’m thinking.
Tribute: Shouldn’t I just go to the Lickey Hills?
Stryke: Of course: Coffee is a stimulant. Mmm.
Bond: Hello! Anyone in there?
Stryke: Mmm sugar high.
Tribute: I’m going to the Lickey Hills.
(Stryke pulls out a cafetière and attempts to snort it as Tribute leaves.)
Scene 11
(Gerrid’s office. Tribute walks in.)
Tribute: What is a stevedore?
Gerrid: How should I know?
Tribute: You told me about it.
Stryke (On intercom): Tell commander Biggleswade to come in, but that I’m with the flower people.
Gerrid: What?
Tribute: Coffee.
Gerid: Oh!
Tribute: Do you by any chance know who our operative in the Lickey Hills is?
Gerrid: Hmm (looks on computer/filing cabinet/diary thing) Ah, here she is, Tiltawhirl
Tribute: Sounds like my kind of girl.
Gerrid: Ooh Tribute, you randy old soak!
Tribute: So, this Tiltawhirl, she lives up to her name, right?
Gerrid: Right.
Scene 12
(Some room with a suitable looking drugs lord (Grix Thraves ) in it. He is surrounded by packages. There are two administrators (Belldandy and Cubist))
Cubist: Our fifth quarter takings are up.
Belldandy: yes sir, you appear to have cornered the stimulant market.
Grix Thraves: Muy bien. Now I must speak to the mistresses, so GO!
Cubist and Belldandy : Yes Master.
(They go and cower behind some shelves).
Grix (on a speakerphone): Hello Mistresses!
Mechanical Voice: Hello, you have reached the evil headquarters.
Grix: Ah. Thank you…
Voice (cutting him off): Please dial 1 for hostage negotiations, 2 For Mercenary enquiries, 3 for extortion demands, 4 for today’s coup, 5 to order copies of "How to be an international criminal mastermind", 6 to press a random phone number for no apparent reason, 7 for our free booklet "How to bring the world down from the inside", 8 for a live link up to the evil mistresses.
Grix: At last, God these bloody automated answering machines.
Voice: Don’t you get cocky you lowlife scumbag.
Grix: Uh?
Voice: You heard me dial the friggin number!
(Grix pushes the number)
Voice: Good. You have selected 8 for a live link up with the evil mistresses, unfortunately they are busy at the moment, please hold. (Starts singing); Ave Mariiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa!
Grix: NOOOOO!
Voice: I’ll have you know I’m renowned for my voice.
Grix: Riight, just put me through.
Voice: Fine, Philistine!
(lots of beeping etc. I’m not sure how to write the next bit, whether to cut between the two or just stay on either one, but here’s the scene: )
Drunk cow: Hello Grix. How is the drugs trade?
Grix: Good. We shipped 12 tonnes of Columbian pure today.
Mystique: We have some here…
(They all have steaming cups in front of them. Rosalind has some white powder on a piece of foil in front of her.)
Mystique: Uh?
Rosalind: Talcum powder.
Mystique: The world’s governments are stumped by a coffee merchant.
Grix: They don’t know that yet.
Rosalind: So we’ve cornered the coffee market, we sell to all the greats.
Mystique: All of the secret services deal with us…
Rosalind: Soon we will drug the secret services across the globe.
All: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scene 13
(Tribute is in a car with Tiltawhirl, he has a set of earphones on, listening to the conversation. He takes the ‘phones off.)
Tribute: Why don’t they use scramblers? Don’t they know we’re listening?
Tiltawhirl: But hey, we’re all high on their coffee.
Tribute: I never touch the stuff.
Tiltawhirl: At least we won’t be affected darling.
(She blows him a kiss)
Tribute: WATCH THE ROAD!!
Tiltawhirl: Oops.
Tribute: Take me to Grix Thraves.
Tiltawhirl: But everyone who goes near his place dies.
Tribute: Not me.
Scene 14
(A car park or something. Tribute gets out as well as Tiltawhirl: Tribute goes round to the boot and gets a gun out. He says bye to Tiltawhirl and walks off.)
Scene 15
(down a corridor, Tribute stalks along; is confronted by guard quickly kills him; more guards, shooting, killing and so on)
Scene 16
(Grix’ hideout. Tribute enters & shoots Belldandy and Cubist and points the gun at Grix)
Tribute: You are busted!
Grix: I think not secret agent puppy!
(He reaches under his desk for a gun, which Tribute shoots out of his hand)
Tribute: I think so.
Grix: Who are you?
(Walks over to him)
Tribute: Tribute just Tribute
Tribute: Who do you work for?
Grix: No one
(Tribute hits him across the face with his gun hand)
Tribute: Who?
Grix: OK! OK! I tell you. Three ladies. Drunk cow, Mystique and Rosalind
Tribute: I know, where are they?
Grix: I will never tell you!
(Tribute raises his hand)
Grix: OK! OK! I tell you… in the folly at the top of the Lickey Hills.
Tribute: Good.
Grix: But now you die!
(Tribute turns and shoots something, which flies at Grix and knocks him out).
Scene 17
(As scene 12, Tribute walks up to the car, Tiltawhirl runs up to him and hugs him.)
Tiltawhirl: Tribute, I thought you were never coming back.
Tribute: Never fear Tiltawhirl I am safe. Could you take me to the Lickey Hills, please?
Tiltawhirl: But of course!
(They get in the car)
Scene 18
(The Lickey hills Tribute and Tiltawhirl are walking towards a forest, as they enter, they have more gunfights etc.)
Scene 19
(Kind of the same as 16, but Tiltawhirl & Tribute are approaching the ‘Tankard’ shooting etc.)
Scene 20
(The villanesses room. Tribute & Tiltawhirl enter shooting guards)
Rosalind: Mr Tribute, you appear to have overwhelmed our guards, but you will never take us!
(Tribute shoots in the air)
Mystique: Or, if you insist we’ll come quietly.
Rosalind: But you can never stop our plan!
Drunk cow: The secret agents across the world have drunk our coffee! We control them all!
Tribute: I think not. We Brits only drink Tea; the Russians only drink vodka and the Americans only drink Decaf Lattés, which I doubt you produce!
Drunk cow: Damn foiled again!
Tiltawhirl: Will you never learn that good triumphs over evil?
(All except Tiltawhirl retch)
Tiltawhirl: What?
Tribute: Now you must promise not to continue with your evil plans. But to be sure we are putting you under arrest.
(Some Guards appear; they could be the same ones that Bond has just killed …cunning…ok not.)
Mystique: We won’t be naughty.
Rosalind: We promise to stay here and be nice.
(They look at each other and snigger)
(Tiltawhirl drags Tribute out)
Scene 21
(Tribute and Tiltawhirl getting raunchy. Typical lurve fest)
Tribute and Tiltawhirl on a bench; camera moves up bra thrown on it.
Scene 22
(The three vilanesses obviously having escaped are walking away looking evil.)
[Tribute does that thing down the barrel of a gun and shoots, somebody at the side holding clapperboard falls over clutching at their side]
Scene 1
[A forest; an agent is being chased by tough guys. They run, the agent stops behind a tree. The toughies carry on running, the agent shoots them, but then someone comes from behind the tree and kills the agent. ]
Scene 2
[Tribute walks into a casino. He wanders about, he puts on a pair of sunglasses, he walks into a table. [We see through his eyes someone standing in their underwear. Cut away over his shoulder; they are actually only in their underwear.] Tribute walks over to the table where Mystique is.]
Loki: Huit. La banque. Suivi, carte. Madame wins.
[General sighs etc. around the table. Tribute sits down.]
Loki: Sir? All players.
[People push their chips forward. Tribute is smoking a cigarette in a long yellow holder.]
Loki: Carte.
(He is passed a card by Bazzman.)
Mystique:(placing cards down) Cinq.
Tribute: (placing his cards down) Six.
Loki: Sir wins.
[General applause and Tribute stands up. Tribute looks embarrassed. Mystique looks at him curiously.]
Tribute: Hold on, I’ve got something in my mouth…
[Tribute spontaneously removes a Ping-Pong ball from his mouth. Mystique looks impressed. Meanwhile, his cigarette holder has changed to red.]
Mystique: I admire your balls, Mr…?
Tribute: Tribute (drags on cigarette), Just Tribute. Miss…?
Mystique: Tique Mystique .
Tribute: We all have our foibles.
Mystique: Let me see… (measures him with a tape-measure, seemingly randomly) Hmm… Dry vodka Martini; shaken, not stirred. Correct, Mr Tribute?
Tribute: I’d prefer a wet one.
Mystique: Garcon?
[A waiter arrives and takes their order.]
Tribute: So… Do you come here often?
Mystique: No, it’s my first time.
Tribute: Mmm… a virgin.
[Mystique looks offended. She slaps him, knocking him out. She then storms off. Tribute gets up in time to take both drinks from the prompt waiter and down them both himself. Slightly wobbly, he wanders off to the same roulette table, where Rosalind is sitting. He is smoking grissini.]
Bazzman: Place your bets.
[Tribute places a bet (gasp!).]
Bazzman: Red 13.
Rosalind: Quatsch!
Tribute: You’ve had your chips. (He sniggers.)
Rosalind: Oh! A funny man, I see! (She pulls out a knife)
Tribute: A girl after my own heart.
(Rosalind looks sheepish and hides the knife.)
Rosalind: (making to get up) It’s been a pleasure, Mr…?
(Tribute is now smoking a party squeaker.)
Tribute: Tribute (party thing squeaks as he tries to smoke it),Just Tribute. (pulls her back into her seat) Miss…?
Rosalind: Rosalind. No more
Tribute: Promises, promises.
Rosalind: Drink, Mr Tribute?
Tribute: Vodka on the rocks. And you?
Rosalind: I’d quite like a Howling Orgasm.
Tribute: Later.
Rosalind: No! It’s a subtle blend of Malibu, Vodka,… and absinthe.
Tribute: Of course… (clicks fingers)
(Waiter zooms to him, carrying a tray with a glass of vile looking liquid and a glass of pebbles.)
Rosalind: So Mr Tribute, what do you do?
Tribute: (drunkish) I’m a British Spy with a Licence to Kill…
Rosalind: Really?
Tribute: No! Damn! I’m a… erm… travel agent.
(Rosalind has lost interest and doesn’t seem to notice this give-away. Nonetheless Tribute swoops in for a kiss. He misses her and ends up in a sailor’s lap. The sailor looks pleased. Tribute fights his way free. He’s now smoking a carrot. He staggers away from the puppy-dog sailor and on to Drunk cows table. He sits down at the table. They are playing a manly game of Snap. The sailor seems to have got there before Tribute and is eyeing him up.)
Bazzman: No more players.
(He starts to deal the cards out. Tribute is a bit beasted. He looks around and catches the eye of sailor-boy, who winks provocatively back at him. He turns back to the table and play begins. A furious bout of card throwing-down ensues until a pair is dealt. Tribute immediately reaches for it,… as does the sailor boy. They touch hands on top of the pile. There seems to be some sort of weird spark in the sailor’s eye. He leans away immediately and grabs the nearest stiff… drink. There’s a pause in play. The sailor has won the cards. Tribute looks around and sees Drunk cow. He turns to her.)
Tribute: I was very unlucky there. Do you not agree, Miss…?
Drunk cow: I call it fate.
Tribute: That’s a bit of a silly name, isn’t it?
Drunk cow: (through gritted teeth) My name… is Drunk cow. Akay?
Tribute: I’m not that drunk. (nearly falls over)
Drunk cow: A joker.
Tribute: I’m known as quite a wit.
Drunk cow: That’s one word for it.
(Tribute, who is now very VERY drunk, takes another drink.)
Tribute: So who are you?
Drunk cow: I’m Drunk cow.
Tribute: That’s a bit of a silly name.
(Tribute, failing to find another glass, grabs a bucket from a nearby waiter and drinks deeply from it.)
Bazzman: La banque.
Tribute: Cheeky!
(Tribute is now so larried that he picks up a glass, tips his head to drink it, and falls over backwards, out of shot.)
CUT!!!
Scene 3
(A room with a large table. Sitting at the table are: Drunk cow, Mystique and Rosalind.)
Mystique: So how long were you married to your husband?
Rosalind: Oh about 20 odd years…
Drunk cow: Why do you say odd?
Rosalind: You never met him…
(The door bursts open and a guard runs in)
Guard 1: Mistresses! The Job is done! 0042 has been exterminated!
Drunk cow: Good job you shall be rewarded
Guard 1: Thank you mistress! (Bows down)
Mystique: Excellent! Now the key part of our plan can be executed!
(She points to a flip chart with "Key Part of Our Plan." Written on it. Guard 1 stabs it with a knife laughs manically and leaves)
Rosalind: Yes, the final extermination of the American, British and Russian secret services!
All three: Mwahahahahaha!
(Guard 2 rushes in holding a keyboard)
Guard 2: The live link up with Agent Maddmun is ready mistresses!
(They look to a TV where a bloke is seen to be sitting)
Agent Maddmun: Ah gut morning ladies; I am sorry that I cannot be there to receive my execution, but you have sent some boys round. So… I’d just like to say
All three: Mwahahahahaha!
Scene 4
(Close-up of Tribute asleep. His mobile rings on the bedside table. Tribute answers the phone groggily.)
Tribute: (behangovered) Helllo?
Gerrid: Tribute?
Tribute: What.
Gerrid: Where on Earth are you?
Tribute: I’m… err… in the office.
Gerrid: No you’re not, Tribute, I am…
Tribute: Ah.
Gerrid: Be here in three minutes, OK?
(Tribute checks the time on his watch. The camera pans out to view the whole bed, occupied, strangely enough, by two people. Tribute drowsily looks over to the other side of the bed. The sailor boy lies there, asleep. Tribute squeals and falls out of the bed.)
Scene 5
(Tribute walks into Gerrid’s office. Throws his hat at the hat stand, which falls over. )
Gerrid: Hello Tribute.
Tribute: Hello Gerrid, why don’t you come and sit on my lap. How have you been keeping without me?
(The intercom thingy goes with Stryke’s voice)
Stryke: Cut the chat 0069 and get in here now.
Gerrid: You’d better go; he’s got Kyz22 in there.
Tribute: Oh well, see you later Gerrid.
Scene 6
(Tribute walks in to find Stryke and Kyz22 sitting either side of a large desk.
Stryke: Good morning 0069
Tribute: Morning Stryke .
Stryke: As you may know 0069 this is Kyz22, the head of the intelligence services.
Tribute: (nods head)
Stryke: We are here with great sadness to report that 0043 was recently killed in cold blood. He drowned in the stuff.
Kyz22: Recently there has been a spate of killings of double ‘0’ agents in the Lickey Hills area of Birmingham.
Tribute: Hmmmm. Do we know who did it?
Kyz22: The ultimate question.
Stryke: Do you recognise these ?
(Shows Tribute pictures of the villains.) [3 papier maché heads drop down]
Tribute: Hmm. That one’s Drunk cow (points to one), that one’s Mystique (points to another), and the last one’s Rosalind (points to the last).
Stryke: Good Tribute, I see that you have been brushing up on your shady women.
Tribute: Certainly have.
Kyz22: Hilarious Tribute; we want you to go and investigate these ladies, of course. This is a highly dangerous mission, one where only the best will do, unfortunately he’s on holiday, so…
Stryke: Chop, chop Tribute, and remember to report back any developments.
(Tribute gets up and leaves)
Scene 7
(Gerrid’s office, same as scene 2)
Gerrid: Off on another dangerous mission Tribute?
Tribute: Afraid so Gerrid.
Gerrid: Oh isn’t it so romantic, so…
(he is cut off by the intercom thingy, which is relaying a rather sordid exchange between Kyz22 and Stryke).
Stryke: Oh, let me open your classified files, Big Boy.
Kyz22: Oooh! But that’s illegal.
Stryke: But it gives me such a buzz.
Tribute (cutting over the intimacy): Do you normally listen in on these things?
Gerrid: Oh no! … It’s jammed on at that end. Sheepy wants to see you. I’ll just tell him you’re coming.
(Picks up a microphone as Tribute leaves)
Scene 8
(Sheepy’s test hall. Sheepy is speaking to Edgy with the usual random explosions going on in the background. Tribute enters.)
Sheepy: Speak of the Devil.
(Tribute picks up a crucifix and waves it around frantically)
Tribute: Where! Where!
Sheepy: Do calm down 0069.
Edgy: Put it down 0069.
Sheepy: Treat that with…
Tribute: Extra special care, I know!
Sheepy: Not just the usual contempt you treat anything I make with. Be gentle with it! It’s especially for papal exterminations.
Tribute: But of course.
Sheepy: Now look carefully 0069, this looks like a normal gun… but it is actually… a gun!
Tribute: How… imaginative.
Sheepy: What? I thought it would make a change…no? Oh well, look at this…
(Tribute is now disinterested)
Edgy: Oh no, this is actually remarkably good.
(Tribute perks up)
Sheepy: You see this…(shows him a handful of money.) Just one pence can do this… (Flicks coin away. Cut to shot of a nuclear test)
Tribute: Impressive.
Sheepy: In any currency you require.
Edgy: My idea.
Sheepy: Do shut up!
Edgy: Francium!
Sheepy: I’ve told you!
(Tribute is now fingering a curtain with "DO NOT TOUCH!" written on it)
Sheepy: Don’t touch that!
Tribute: Why?
Sheepy: Read the sign.
Tribute: Oh!
Sheepy: It’s my latest pet project.
Tribute: Which is? A cat?
Sheepy: A submarine, powered by water and electricity.
Tribute: Can I see?
Sheepy: NO!
Edgy: It’s mildly explosive at the moment.
(There is a loud yell from behind the curtain.)
Edgy: Teething problems.
(Sheepy guides Tribute away, to a pair of shoes)
Tribute: Interesting…
Sheepy: Remarkably so:
(Points to the heel of one of the shoes)
Sheepy: See this?
Tribute: What is it?
Sheepy: A sewing kit.
Tribute: For those times when I have to…
Sheepy: Darn your way out of a pickle, exactly.
Tribute: Hmmm.
(Points to the heel of the other shoe.)
Sheepy: Now this 0069.
Tribute: What is it now? A miniature sewing machine?
Sheepy: Now I see where you gained your reputation for an incisive wit.
Tribute: Why thank you.
Sheepy: Hidden in the heel is a camera, so you can see whom, or what is following you.
Tribute: Where do I see the pictures?
Edgy: Now this is the interesting part. This watch (holds up a watch) each link is an explosive charge; here two buttons form a taser, when this is pushed. And the face flips back to form a mini-computer, a radar screen and the screen to watch the pictures from the shoe camera.
Tribute: Very good.
(Tribute picks up a rucksack and starts twiddling with it.)
Tribute: What is this? A rocket pack?
Sheepy: Do put it down 0069.
(Tribute pushes a button and it begins to play VERY loud Scottish music. Sheepy grabs it off him.)
Sheepy: That’s MY bag!
Edgy: Don’t touch what you can’t afford!
Sheepy: (changing the subject) See this belt (holds up a belt) it creates an electrical field around the wearer, see…
(Sheepy grabs Edgy by the arm. Edgy shrieks and begins rubbing his arm)
Tribute: Shocking.
Sheepy: Could you please sound a little more enthusiastic about my devices; I put my entire lifeblood into these devices. (Begins sobbing)
Edgy: Now look what you’ve done! Oh well… here’s one more to show you (pulls out a wallet) see this; a changing identity card, it can morph into any identity you wish. And in here are a mixture of family photos, to show any inquisitors. And, this is the best bit, toffee! And over here…
(The tannoy cuts in, Stryke and Kyz22 are still fornicating in the background, but Gerrid says: "0069 to Stryke’s office." Tribute walks off leaving Sheepy sobbing and Edgy talking to himself.)
Scene 9
(Gerrid’s office.)
(Tribute walks in)
Tribute: Are they still at it?
Gerrid: No, he’s just left. he was just telling him that he was like a Stevedore…
Tribute: Ooh tell me more!
Stryke (on intercom): No in fact I beg you to stop.
Scene 10
(Stryke’s office again. Tribute enters and sits)
Stryke: Good morning 0069…
Tribute: I bet it was!
Stryke (ignoring it): We have just had news from the Russians, that one of their top agents; Agent Maddmun has just been executed. It looks like he was executed by the same by the same people that killed 0042.
Tribute: Hmm there have been 73 agents killed in the same manner, but there’s no connection.
Stryke: That’s just it!
Tribute: What is?
Stryke: I’ve got it!
Tribute: Well whatever it is don’t give it to me!
Stryke: There is a connection.
Tribute: How can the surprisingly similar deaths of 42 agents be connected?
Stryke: We’re missing the point!
Tribute: Speak for yourself!
Stryke: Grow up! No, it’s the international black market in drugs.
Tribute: How?
Stryke: Don’t interrupt me! I’m thinking.
Tribute: Shouldn’t I just go to the Lickey Hills?
Stryke: Of course: Coffee is a stimulant. Mmm.
Bond: Hello! Anyone in there?
Stryke: Mmm sugar high.
Tribute: I’m going to the Lickey Hills.
(Stryke pulls out a cafetière and attempts to snort it as Tribute leaves.)
Scene 11
(Gerrid’s office. Tribute walks in.)
Tribute: What is a stevedore?
Gerrid: How should I know?
Tribute: You told me about it.
Stryke (On intercom): Tell commander Biggleswade to come in, but that I’m with the flower people.
Gerrid: What?
Tribute: Coffee.
Gerid: Oh!
Tribute: Do you by any chance know who our operative in the Lickey Hills is?
Gerrid: Hmm (looks on computer/filing cabinet/diary thing) Ah, here she is, Tiltawhirl
Tribute: Sounds like my kind of girl.
Gerrid: Ooh Tribute, you randy old soak!
Tribute: So, this Tiltawhirl, she lives up to her name, right?
Gerrid: Right.
Scene 12
(Some room with a suitable looking drugs lord (Grix Thraves ) in it. He is surrounded by packages. There are two administrators (Belldandy and Cubist))
Cubist: Our fifth quarter takings are up.
Belldandy: yes sir, you appear to have cornered the stimulant market.
Grix Thraves: Muy bien. Now I must speak to the mistresses, so GO!
Cubist and Belldandy : Yes Master.
(They go and cower behind some shelves).
Grix (on a speakerphone): Hello Mistresses!
Mechanical Voice: Hello, you have reached the evil headquarters.
Grix: Ah. Thank you…
Voice (cutting him off): Please dial 1 for hostage negotiations, 2 For Mercenary enquiries, 3 for extortion demands, 4 for today’s coup, 5 to order copies of "How to be an international criminal mastermind", 6 to press a random phone number for no apparent reason, 7 for our free booklet "How to bring the world down from the inside", 8 for a live link up to the evil mistresses.
Grix: At last, God these bloody automated answering machines.
Voice: Don’t you get cocky you lowlife scumbag.
Grix: Uh?
Voice: You heard me dial the friggin number!
(Grix pushes the number)
Voice: Good. You have selected 8 for a live link up with the evil mistresses, unfortunately they are busy at the moment, please hold. (Starts singing); Ave Mariiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa!
Grix: NOOOOO!
Voice: I’ll have you know I’m renowned for my voice.
Grix: Riight, just put me through.
Voice: Fine, Philistine!
(lots of beeping etc. I’m not sure how to write the next bit, whether to cut between the two or just stay on either one, but here’s the scene: )
Drunk cow: Hello Grix. How is the drugs trade?
Grix: Good. We shipped 12 tonnes of Columbian pure today.
Mystique: We have some here…
(They all have steaming cups in front of them. Rosalind has some white powder on a piece of foil in front of her.)
Mystique: Uh?
Rosalind: Talcum powder.
Mystique: The world’s governments are stumped by a coffee merchant.
Grix: They don’t know that yet.
Rosalind: So we’ve cornered the coffee market, we sell to all the greats.
Mystique: All of the secret services deal with us…
Rosalind: Soon we will drug the secret services across the globe.
All: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Scene 13
(Tribute is in a car with Tiltawhirl, he has a set of earphones on, listening to the conversation. He takes the ‘phones off.)
Tribute: Why don’t they use scramblers? Don’t they know we’re listening?
Tiltawhirl: But hey, we’re all high on their coffee.
Tribute: I never touch the stuff.
Tiltawhirl: At least we won’t be affected darling.
(She blows him a kiss)
Tribute: WATCH THE ROAD!!
Tiltawhirl: Oops.
Tribute: Take me to Grix Thraves.
Tiltawhirl: But everyone who goes near his place dies.
Tribute: Not me.
Scene 14
(A car park or something. Tribute gets out as well as Tiltawhirl: Tribute goes round to the boot and gets a gun out. He says bye to Tiltawhirl and walks off.)
Scene 15
(down a corridor, Tribute stalks along; is confronted by guard quickly kills him; more guards, shooting, killing and so on)
Scene 16
(Grix’ hideout. Tribute enters & shoots Belldandy and Cubist and points the gun at Grix)
Tribute: You are busted!
Grix: I think not secret agent puppy!
(He reaches under his desk for a gun, which Tribute shoots out of his hand)
Tribute: I think so.
Grix: Who are you?
(Walks over to him)
Tribute: Tribute just Tribute
Tribute: Who do you work for?
Grix: No one
(Tribute hits him across the face with his gun hand)
Tribute: Who?
Grix: OK! OK! I tell you. Three ladies. Drunk cow, Mystique and Rosalind
Tribute: I know, where are they?
Grix: I will never tell you!
(Tribute raises his hand)
Grix: OK! OK! I tell you… in the folly at the top of the Lickey Hills.
Tribute: Good.
Grix: But now you die!
(Tribute turns and shoots something, which flies at Grix and knocks him out).
Scene 17
(As scene 12, Tribute walks up to the car, Tiltawhirl runs up to him and hugs him.)
Tiltawhirl: Tribute, I thought you were never coming back.
Tribute: Never fear Tiltawhirl I am safe. Could you take me to the Lickey Hills, please?
Tiltawhirl: But of course!
(They get in the car)
Scene 18
(The Lickey hills Tribute and Tiltawhirl are walking towards a forest, as they enter, they have more gunfights etc.)
Scene 19
(Kind of the same as 16, but Tiltawhirl & Tribute are approaching the ‘Tankard’ shooting etc.)
Scene 20
(The villanesses room. Tribute & Tiltawhirl enter shooting guards)
Rosalind: Mr Tribute, you appear to have overwhelmed our guards, but you will never take us!
(Tribute shoots in the air)
Mystique: Or, if you insist we’ll come quietly.
Rosalind: But you can never stop our plan!
Drunk cow: The secret agents across the world have drunk our coffee! We control them all!
Tribute: I think not. We Brits only drink Tea; the Russians only drink vodka and the Americans only drink Decaf Lattés, which I doubt you produce!
Drunk cow: Damn foiled again!
Tiltawhirl: Will you never learn that good triumphs over evil?
(All except Tiltawhirl retch)
Tiltawhirl: What?
Tribute: Now you must promise not to continue with your evil plans. But to be sure we are putting you under arrest.
(Some Guards appear; they could be the same ones that Bond has just killed …cunning…ok not.)
Mystique: We won’t be naughty.
Rosalind: We promise to stay here and be nice.
(They look at each other and snigger)
(Tiltawhirl drags Tribute out)
Scene 21
(Tribute and Tiltawhirl getting raunchy. Typical lurve fest)
Tribute and Tiltawhirl on a bench; camera moves up bra thrown on it.
Scene 22
(The three vilanesses obviously having escaped are walking away looking evil.)
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PoP before the new one come out...
*looks at Rabbit K's normal SR posts*
*looks at main post*
MS Word is a wonderful thing.
From what I saw, it looked quite funny.
*looks at main post*
MS Word is a wonderful thing.
From what I saw, it looked quite funny.
I broke the wheel on my mouse!
maddmun wrote:
> i want to be in the sequel (even though I'm dead...)
You didn't actually show me dead, just going ow oww oww! and the girls laughing, so I can easily be brought back! Can I kill people with a ladle?
> i want to be in the sequel (even though I'm dead...)
You didn't actually show me dead, just going ow oww oww! and the girls laughing, so I can easily be brought back! Can I kill people with a ladle?
Rabbit<>K wrote:
> Thank you gerrid im just sorru i didnt manage to get you i nice man in
> the story maybe the sequel eh?
It's up to you mate. If it's as good as the first one, then I'd love to be in it.
> Thank you gerrid im just sorru i didnt manage to get you i nice man in
> the story maybe the sequel eh?
It's up to you mate. If it's as good as the first one, then I'd love to be in it.
i want to be in the sequel (even though I'm dead...)
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